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listening today when you sign up for a free 30 -day trial at audible .com slash psych 20 or text psych 20 to 500 500 that's audible .com slash psych 20 or text psych 20 to 500 500 please welcome aboard the johnson family the whole fans here for the disney cruise so you know we came to play.
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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode.
As we of course, break down the psychology of our 20s.
Welcome to our 2025 valentine's day episode every single year i like to cover like a specific topic around love and dating and relationships um for this special time of the year and if you're listening to this after valentine's day you know what let's just pretend it's valentine's day show yourself
some self -love today show someone that you love some love today just for no reason every day can be Valentine's Day I will stop with the cliches right now so we can get into the episode but yes thank you so much for all the love you guys have shown me over the past year I feel like this is about to
be a crazy year with my book coming out in April obviously with mantra also out in the world my new podcast so hopefully this episode teaches you how to love yourself a little bit more but also how to have healthy relationships with others and you know recognize compatibility and recognize how important
that is that is my segue into what we are talking about today which is yes compatibility what makes people just click what really underlies those relationships that just work and seem so easy and calm and safe and how can we make sure that we know compatibility when we feel it especially in kind of a modern
world that's very very much about instant gratification and about passion and chemistry how do we find those like that love that really lasts i want to talk about five deep signs of emotional and psychological compatibility between two people that you may not be looking for in a relationship or even
in a platonic relationship?
What are the signs that it's meant to be or unfortunately not meant to be?
The reason I really wanted to do this episode and cover this topic is because I have in the past been someone who was confused chemistry and compatibility.
Now chemistry to me is all about attraction and emotional intensity and excitement and magnetism that pulls you together.
It's definitely more physical than emotional and also it's quite fast, it's quite rapid compared to compatibility which often simmers below the surface and takes a little bit longer to reveal itself.
It's why you hear these stories of people who are friends for years and then suddenly are like wait are you the one for me I think the moment that we realize a deep compatibility with someone it's very hard to ignore I also believe that we can have both you do need the passion and the fire um you know
you do need to to really feel like you are obsessed with them and that you love them but if weeks and months go by and down the road you realize you can't communicate.
You don't actually understand each other.
It's not as effortless as you think.
It can be a really rude awakening, and you can feel very blindsided by the realization, and what you realize you've missed all along is the compatibility.
You've thought that that's what the chemistry was, and it's not.
And I think in our 20s in particular, or at any rate, age really, you know, I'm going to take that back at any age, you don't want to waste your precious time in a relationship or even a friendship for that matter where no matter how hard you try the thing that would make you to click is just not there
you know take it from me I have been there done that got the souvenirs and although I wouldn't take those choices back you know it was very important for my growth as a person I do wish that there were some things that I'd learned to recognize earlier so I didn't have to learn the lesson twice luckily
for me I'm now with an amazing person with whom I have both compatibility and chemistry with and I've realized there are some essential things that do define a good relationship specifically a relationship that is secure so consider this your checklist whether you are dating someone new You are unsure
about the relationship you're currently in or you just want some sense of your standards.
I want to talk through all the psychology, the studies, the research on what makes two people compatible.
Without further ado, let's get into it.
Some people really don't agree with me when I say that two people who aren't compatible people just simply cannot be together.
Like if it's not there, it's not there.
But I really do fully believe that there has to be some fundamental emotional similarity sense of attraction.
Like, you know, if you're attracted to somebody, you can tell pretty quickly if it's mutual.
But compatibility to me, although it does take more time, is so worth it.
And it's this instinct that without even knowing that you know this person could learn everything about you this person in some ways already does see you very very deeply you know there is some part of you reflected in them a way of seeing the world a way of handling emotions a respect a likeness like
it's a depth that you share and I know that sounds very very intangible we're going to talk about exactly what that looks like but I think when you don't have that you will never feel fulfilled by the other person like they just simply don't meet your emotional needs and it's very very hard to ignore
now I will say and I say this like to my friends quite a lot actually it's not uncommon to occasionally have doubts about your relationship I really want to impress that like at some stage I think everyone will say to themselves is this person right for me and they actually think that's a really good
sign. It's really important to reevaluate at certain points in your relationship that this is working, that you actually want to be there, that you're not just like passively engaging in the relationship because it's the path of least resistance because you know you've just gotten used to them.
I really think that you can still have arguments in healthy compatible relationships, you can still feel misunderstood, you still will have to compromise or disagree and it doesn't mean that they are not right for you but that cannot be the core experience of being in a relationship with someone it
cannot be constant fights constant misunderstandings the same fights which you know give such a beautiful sense of relief when they're done that you confuse it with love like it cannot be feeling cold in the relationship or a sense of relief when you're not together i watched this really amazing interview
on youtube the other day of this woman her name is Spirit I don't like I think she just goes by Spirit and she explains what it feels like to be in an emotionally incompatible friendship or relationship and the way she describes it is the circle and the square so I want you to imagine like a big square you
can even draw it down like a big square and inside is a circle and the circle touches each side of the square.
It feels supported, you know, every side is touched.
But there are these gaps where the circle cannot touch the corners of the square because it's obviously not a square.
And those gaps between the circle's edges and the corners of the square, those are our unmet needs.
The circle and the square can never feel completely supported while they are with each other because there is all this space that is miscommunication all this space in which doubt flows in like you want to be with someone who it feels like you really really fit and I will like leave a link to this YouTube
video because it's really really good and I feel like it's a very visual way of seeing it but I think the first time I watched it I was like oh that totally makes sense like all of these relationships from my past I've just been trying to be the circle to the square or like the triangle to the square doesn't
work so let's talk about the five signs now I've rambled on long enough let's talk about what they are I think the first sign that you are compatible with someone is that you feel emotionally safe and there is this sense of coming home to them some part of you can finally rest and I think this is a big
distinction between chemistry and compatibility.
The butterflies aren't as overwhelming.
They're still there, but above all else, you're feeling like everything is quite still.
You know, there's a famous quote that we think butterflies mean we're in love, but they really just mean anxiety.
And I tend to agree.
It's why I always ask myself the question, is this excitement or is this nausea?
Because they do tend to feel eerily similar, and sometimes you can't always tell the difference.
Or when you meet the right person, you honestly might confuse it with boredom.
And I think it's because your body is used to feeling very alert and hypervigilant around people.
And now with this person, you can finally rest.
And I know this is very difficult for people who are naturally anxious to be able to discern.
I think if you are someone who is quite socially anxious or just has generalized anxiety like any first date anytime meeting a new person it can naturally and it will instinctually spike your anxiety so you might be going through life being like oh my gosh Gemma told me that it should feel peaceful
but I never feel peaceful anyways so how am I meant to tell same with like relationship trauma you can find dating to just honestly always be a very scary or fearful experience.
But I want you to just take note of the times and who you are with when your body feels at ease, whether it is that like even just for a couple of minutes, you exit a stressed state.
And, you know, sometimes that can mean that you have to be friends with people first.
And that's how you overcome the dating trauma or a sense of anxiety around meeting new people I think that's a really great way to meet someone who you genuinely are compatible with and that you like I experienced this with my boyfriend and we weren't friends to begin with but at the time I met him
our first date after our first date I left the date and I was like to my friends I felt like almost a little bit bored like it I felt bored almost and they were like weren't you on a date for like four five hours and you went to like three different locations like you went out for dinner you went out
for a drink you went out for frozen yogurt like you obviously weren't bored if you were still there and I was like oh yeah like you're probably right uh and I obviously went on another date with him and it was like wonderful but it felt like giddy and fun rather than stressful and tense like I was not confused
by what that feeling was something that also was very very apparent with him was like again this sense of like have I known you for a long time like I feel like I've met you before we even were trying to do this like backtracking math where I was like I just feel like this is not the first time we have met
and I know for like a scientific psychology podcast that sounds very woo woo but I don't know, that's just how it really felt and this really brings me kind of somewhat to my next sign of deep emotional compatibility and it's probably the most obvious one it feels like talking takes no effort we have all
had that experience of talking to someone like at a party or at an event and it genuinely feels like you are pulling out your eyelashes like each sentence each question is a stretch it's a struggle and it's the worst like it's awful but then on the flip side sometimes you meet these people who you like
immediately like you are on the same frequency like platonic or romantic the banter is perfect there is a lovely balance between serious and emotional but also jovial and light and the conversation almost feels like you've entered a flow state like you just feel like you don't want to leave the hours
are passing by you kind of forget to look up you forget about what's around you like you never run out of things to say this is like I think one of the most magical parts about being human and about falling in love or like finding yourself in a new connection or friendship like it's so magical it's
just like wow you get me I get you we're both here on this planet and here we are talking and it just feels so natural and even if you're quite introverted I do still think that this can happen even if you're quite shy I think it just feels like if you share similar values and similar interests you
don't feel judged talking to that person you don't feel like talking to them it's going to put you at risk it doesn't feel like your personalities are creating friction like they're very very harmonious this really brings me to another point and it's a very crucial ingredient for compatibility I don't
think you can have a fulfilling relationship with someone whose communication style and personality constantly clashes with yours.
For example the one -upper someone who always has to come up with a better story a better example that might be great for people who are competitive and want to be challenged but for the average person you know you're probably not going to get along with this person.
Same with people who are quite self -centered and arrogant in a conversation, it's pretty hard to feel like you're flowing with someone who is talking about their wealth or their accomplishments all the time or someone who is always looking over your shoulder for someone better to talk to or who gives
one word answers. I think how someone presents in a conversation is how they enter a relationship.
So if they are present, if they connect with you if they're focused and generous I think that's a really really good sign so this brings me to my third sign you acknowledge each other's independence but still value the same things the most compatible people I know are not identical they are actually
very different and they insist on being their own people.
They like each other.
They love each other because each person puts time and energy into themselves.
And so the individual things that they have fallen in love with, they don't disappear when they become one, I guess.
Also, I think independence shows that both people respect the other person's personhood.
That's just like critical, critical, critical critical.
Let's talk about what we need to have in common though despite our individual brilliance.
So a question I get all the time is can I be in a relationship with someone who has opposing political differences to me.
I especially got this after the US election when people were like hey my boyfriend or husband voted for Trump or my girlfriend voted independent like can this still work let's talk about a 2023 study conducted in italy that will answer that question for us not completely answer gives us a good insight
so the authors of this paper they recruited 274 italian adults to take part in a short online survey in the survey they wanted participants to rank which of 153 characteristics from morals to humor to intelligence were the ones they'd most like to share or have in common with a romantic partner the most
important compatibility characteristic for these people was having and sharing similar viewpoints on important issues like sexism abortion human rights the death penalty and gender roles but you know more general political beliefs and like specific economic policies like that wasn't really that important
like basically people wanted to share morals with their partner and of course who you vote for does indicate your moral values or your moral perspective a more recent study from last year 2024 so very timely examined the impact of political dissimilarity on romantic relationships the researchers studied
more than 500 couples and they looked at whether people voted the same and how their relationship was impacted if they didn't and they found that not agreeing on politics created more friction and less satisfaction.
Again this seemed most powerful when the political differences were about issues that had moral implications and they also found that in general more and more people do consider political alignment when it comes to their dating choices.
So it's not about politics.
This is what I really want to express.
It's not about politics.
It's about values, other values that are important to share as found by that original Italian study.
People want to raise their kids in a similar way.
If they want kids, they want to have similarities in terms of lifestyle, religion, about 76 % of people said that that was important and also how they express and perceive emotions, which we are going to discuss next.
But I think that all feels very self -explanatory, right?
Like the things you would fight with about your family and that you would disagree with about your friend's lifestyle, you don't want that to be reflected in your partner.
Like it's going to make it so difficult because you're around them all the time.
Like that just makes for so much more tension, a lot more unhappiness.
Now for those of you who would say, well, you can approach these things with respect and agree to disagree.
I also think that's completely true I do think that that is possible and shows great maturing with respect and agree to disagree I also think that's completely true I do think that that is possible and shows great maturity but for things as deeply personal as your opinions on human rights and you know
women's freedom it's hard to not then have a sense of resentment over that especially with the person that you love the most you know if you are a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't think that you should have access to reproductive rights and you do like that's just not going to work like I genuinely
just don't think that's going to work if you're a woman and you're dating a man who doesn't believe you should have access to reproductive rights and you also agree and you also think you know you're pro -life or whatever like that might work because you don't feel disrespected by that opinion very complicated
very nuanced hopefully that makes sense okay we're going to take a short little break to recover from that intensity and when we get back we are going to talk through the final two signs of deep emotional compatibility and how to be honest with yourself around whether this person is really the one.
Stay with us. Hello psychology of your 20s listeners.
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this is david eagleman host of the science podcast inner cosmos for valentine's day we're diving into the question what is love from the brain's point of view what does love have to do with how you were raised or the symmetry of someone's face or the smell of their underarms?
Why does the character of love change throughout our lives?
Why is heartbreak like drug withdrawal?
And what does any of this have to do with sweaty t -shirts or rom -coms or monogamous animals and the future of love and AI?
Join me for this week's Inner Cosmos for a deep dive into the neurobiology of love.
Listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on a deep dive into the neurobiology of love.
Listen to Inner Cosmos with David Eagleman on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Yo, what up? It's your girl Jess Hilarious and I think it's time to acknowledge that I'm not just a comedian.
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Send me your situation and let's fix it as a family.
Listen to Carefully Reckless on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
We talked briefly about conversational communication earlier, but let's also turn to emotional communication because whoa, like they are very, very different.
You can be completely in tune with someone when it comes to the fun light -hearted stuff and the hobbies and the interests and then discover like we do not talk about our emotions or approach them in the same way so the fourth sign that you are deeply compatible is that you express and process emotions
in a way that complements each other now note how I don't say in the same way because I don't think that's really necessary but you should have some similarities in the you know in this essential part of your relationship You should be able to see where the other person is coming from.
There are largely four different communication styles that influence emotional communication.
And this is really based on some original research from a psychologist called William Moulton.
So he began researching this back in the 1920s, so almost 100 years ago.
And it's obviously changed a bit from his first conceptualization.
but there is still, genuinely there still seems to be four categories of emotional communicators in society.
These are passive, assertive, passive -aggressive, and aggressive.
Some people also include manipulative here as well but I think that's just passive -aggressive so I think it all kind of falls into four categories.
Let's quickly talk about each one.
I'm going to start with assertive because it's most commonly considered the best style.
The assertive communicator is what we all should aspire to be.
They have high self -esteem.
They are able to find a really important middle ground between being aggressive and submissive.
They clearly communicate their needs without trying to hurt others and they're accountable.
Like when they talk about their emotions with you, they aren't dismissive and it comes from a place of building trust.
A plus to the assertive communicator, like we really are aiming for that.
Then we have the passive emotional communicator.
These communicators are the people pleasers and generally they prefer to go along with others' suggestions.
They may find that they typically don't express their feelings or needs.
They ignore their own personal rights and allow others to also ignore what they would like.
What that looks like is referring to others' decisions to make sure that there's no tension or conflict, not saying anything in the moment, which can lead to a lot of built -up anger or resentment.
But I don't think we can blame them.
I think sometimes being a passive communicator is really the only option that some people have in the face of violence or in the face of emotional abuse I heard from a psychiatrist actually who said the majority of his patients or clients who are passive communicators are those who have experienced
trauma in childhood bullying neglect abuse or prior trauma or dismissiveness in adult romantic relationships and so they have adopted this style to make themselves as small and as inoffensive as possible.
Next up we have passive -aggressive.
We have all encountered this, the individual who you know appears not to care but under the surface is really acting out of anger either through sarcasm or giving you the cold shoulder or being very indirect and then kind of blaming you for misinterpreting their feelings.
They're very prickly um and some would say they have limited consideration for others feelings.
I actually say that it's a it's a protective mechanism.
It's like they're kind of coming out of their shell and they want you to know what they're feeling but they don't know how to say it properly and say it with their say it with their chest.
Finally we have all out aggressive the person who says what they want and what they need and they don't care if it makes you angry and they are very forceful there is no room for compromise with these people they often lash out directly and they intend to hurt you like there is anger and there is dominance
and that's not to be confused with the self -respect of the assertive communicator I don't think many people benefit from being with an aggressive communicator unless you are also aggressive and you can kind of give it back like you can show them the love the tough love that they are showing you and like
i guess at that point they've kind of met their match but if you're a passive communicator with an aggressive communicator like there is so much that will forever be left unresolved because your way of approaching your emotions is entirely opposite you either need to be with another passive communicator so you
can kind of see each other's perspective and understand that this is a protective mechanism or an assertive communicator who can be like no like please tell me I want to know I want to get through this together same with the passive aggressive communicator they need an assertive communicator to cut
through some of the defenses and say okay we're going to work this out like adults like we're going to be big kids about this and I really want to do a whole episode on how to become a healthy assertive communicator because you can shift how you interpret and express your emotions It's a bit too much
for this episode but you know beyond communication I do think you need a similar style of emotional processing and this is kind of reflected in that emotional communication style but it also comes down to are you reactive or do you like are you reactive or you someone who contemplates what you're going
to do next do you need to talk through your emotions or feel them physically do you need space from your emotions or do you want to manage them straight away I think if you feel your emotions in a way that compliments each other this is a really beautiful sign of compatibility you know one person may go
silent the other person gives reassurance and you swap someone who wants to respond immediately is someone is with someone who is okay with taking time and you learn how to operate with those different styles together.
I think you really don't realize how much this makes or breaks a relationship until you start to get more serious with someone especially you know we know that our partner's emotions impact our own particularly particularly they're unmanaged ones so you want compatibility you know you want balance and attunement
when you work through vulnerable things we're going to talk about the final sign of deep emotional compatibility between two people and it is so simple it's laughter you know the saying goes couples who laugh together stay together.
And the science and the psychology seemingly confirms it.
It's a surprising sign of deep connection.
But when you share the same sense of humor, I think it kind of gets you through a lot of things.
Looks will fade, you will encounter challenges, you will move, you will change as people.
But if you can keep being silly and keep that light, childlike wonder in your relationship, it seems that like your success is somewhat ensured.
Really fascinating study on this from 2024, it asked participants in a couple to keep a diary.
And in it, they wanted them to report on how satisfied they felt with their relationship, how committed, and how much they were laughing each day.
They found that the days when each couple reported more humour were the days when they also were a lot happier and they felt more sad.
And these results really support findings from decades ago.
Like this has been known for a long time that when we laugh more in a relationship, that bond feels stronger for both parties.
Laughter is also a natural mood booster.
It relieves stress.
It gives us a more optimistic view on life, which is why I think so many of us use humor to get through tragedy and hard times.
And if it's your partner who's making you laugh, well, that's even better.
So those are our five biggest signs of emotional compatibility let's quickly do a little summary because you know this episode is almost half an hour long the five signs are it feels like you're coming home to them there's a sense of emotional safety the conversation is effortless you are independent
but you share values your emotional processing styles complement each other and last but certainly not least they make you laugh knowing this is one thing but how can we use it to almost stress test our relationship how do we use it as a litmus test when perhaps we are a bit blinded by early feelings
of passion and attraction so I want to give you a little bit of a checklist here these are questions that I would be asking myself if I was dating again when I see them do I feel anxious or at ease do our interactions either in person or online or over text leave me feeling uneasy or confused do I find
myself having to think about things to discuss with them am I hyper aware of silences when we're together are there conversations that I'm avoiding because I know that we'll disagree do I feel like my entire life is now focused on this person or are there still things that I love to do separately?
Do they help me with my emotions or make them worse?
Would I bring up an issue with them and know that it's something we can work through?
And finally, when was the last time they made me full on laugh out loud, roll on the floor laughter?
However you answered, you know, this isn't graded based on a yes or no answer.
You know, there really isn't any right or wrong answer although there's one that's definitely preferable I just think that these questions reveal some additional things for you to consider especially when you're in the early days and you can look past these things if you want you can decide that it's
not a deal breaker to be uncomfortable when you're silent around them you can decide that it's not a deal breaker um that sometimes you feel a bit emotional or that it's not a deal breaker that you can't bring up an issue with them but I would ask why you think that is the case and is it just because you
are compromising on what you really want and what's going to make the relationship last in the long term for the short -term spark and the short -term assurance that this person really really likes you now there is not a single relationship out there that has not experienced doubts that has not come across
some very existential question of should we be together but I think at the core when I look at the relationships of you know my grandparents who have been together for however many years and my parents and friends parents and people you see as relationship examples in the media I really like would say
a lot of what I know comes down to these very important pillars of compatibility So if you are with someone or you are dating right now and you are not sure and you're a bit like, oh, they kind of don't meet all these criteria.
Please wait. Please hold out for the other person.
I know that especially in our 20s, dating can just feel so exhausting because there is this real stupid sense that, like, you need to have someone by 30 and that you need to be in love.
And so I do understand the social pressure, 100%, absolutely.
But I think it's better to be single for a few more years than to wake up at 32 and be like, oh, wow, this person really wasn't right for me and now I have to start over again.
You don't know who is waiting for you to make the right choice in this relationship or this situation and leave this relationship so that you can find them.
So please go searching for compatibility over chemistry.
I hope that I should and leave this relationship so that you can find them so please go searching for compatibility over chemistry I hope that this episode really really helped you I hope that you can learn from some of my own experiences but also some of the research let me know if it resonated with you
and if you've made it this far please leave a little four -leaf clover emoji in the comments and tell me what you thought or whether you think there are other signs of compatibility that I didn't cover and share them with everyone else because I think that's also a really important part of this community
is that we expand on these ideas and I appreciate you listening to this episode if you have an episode idea that we haven't covered yet I'm currently looking for some new topics for this next season of the show so you can dm me on instagram at that psychology podcast if you don't already follow us over
there make sure that you have left a five -star review of this episode and that hopefully you are following along so you know when new episodes come out and until next time please stay safe stay kind be gentle to yourself and we will talk very very soon at David's Bridal love is in every stitch from the initial
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Jon Stewart is back at The Daily Show, and he's bringing his signature wit and insight straight to your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.
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This is My Legacy.
