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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s
the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and
Transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology
Hello everybody welcome back to the show welcome back to the podcast new listeners old listeners
Wherever you are in the world
It is so great to have you here as we of course break down dive into the psychology of your 20s
Something that I think comes up a lot when we think about love crushes dating romance
is this like behavioral concept this behavioral idea of
Learning and it feels kind of strange to be doing an entire episode on on flirting
Because I don't know. I feel like I'm in this long-term relationship
Like I don't really think about it as much anymore
But when you are single or even when you are in a long-term relationship
And you want to kind of bring a little bit of passion back into things
Blurring is super valuable, and it's also this idea that is closely aligned with
Confidence romantic confidence with attraction. I feel like
Blurring is honestly just so much fun. You don't know where it's going to take you it can bring you so much power and self-esteem
It puts you kind of in the driver's seat of a relationship, but it's not always
So easy to do and not all of us are quite the expert so today
I thought I would bring someone on to discuss the unique
Psychology of flirting and I thought I would bring on the literal expert a float floating coach
Benjamin cameras. Thank you so much for joining us. Hello. Thank you so much for having me on the show today
I am thrilled and delighted to talk about my favorite thing in the world, which is flirting
I'm actually so excited as well
I was like, this is just perfect because it is such like a
It's like something that people don't think about all that often but then when you kind of have it down pat
I'm sure it like opens so many doors before we jump into it
Can you just like briefly introduce yourself what you do who you are any fun facts that you want to include?
Yes, my name is Benjamin. I am the floor coach and gay Libra self-proclaimed
And I got into this a couple of years ago
I had a whole nine to five before I got myself or found myself
Discovering coaching. I was a city planner for a long long time for over 10 years
That's what I went to school for more formally
and then when I was exploring a career change as I think a lot of us were
Contemplating many things during lockdown and during the pandemic having a lot of time to ourselves
I was living by myself and had all of this time just to like actually
Be instead of doing right going just forcing myself to always be busy
That really wasn't an option
And I knew I had to make some serious life changes some big upheavals and a conversation with a friend changed everything
I was just talking to him like I
What am I gonna do like I what do I do with my life if I was in my mid 30s then I'm 38 now
And he was like what what about coaching what just what about coaching?
I had no idea what that was had never considered that before
I had like these ideas in my head if you've seen movies or TV shows with life coaches
Yeah, they kind of get played up as a stereotype or like the football coach something like that
But me as a coach, I don't know but for the first time in a really long time
He recommended a program to me and within the week
I was signed up and enrolled and I explored coaching
before I quit my job and then started my business and
Was posting online trying all kinds of different things
and the video that really changed everything was a video about flirting and
that's when the like the stars aligned everything clicked and I
have not turned back since and that was about a year and a half ago and I really started creating content and talking about flirting and
Becoming evolving into the floor coach which is how I show up today. Oh my gosh
I love it and I will say like you bring such like this like and like it's beautiful energy to this recording
I'm like, yeah, I get why you're an expert in this
And it's so it's so funny you being like, oh the the idea of like a coach and I always think of like hitch like the
What's the actor in that Will Smith Will Smith? Yeah, but you're very very different which I appreciate
Thanks for giving us that little timeline. Okay, I'm gonna start such a simple question when I started I was like, I
Thought this would be a great introductory question
I was like, this is such a simple question and then I started thinking about it myself and I was like actually this is
Quite complicated. So to begin what actually kind of defines or qualifies as
flirting
Yeah, so I have a definition that I think is
Unconventional that maybe you all haven't heard before but my just like
Concise definition of flirting is that the flirt is the genuine expression of interest without
expectation in the present moment and
I talk about the flirt as being all about connection for me
That's the sole purpose of the flirt. It doesn't coming come in with these angles or these intentions, right?
You're just trying to get the phone number. You're coming right away with a physical complement something like that
I really try and always bring it back to connection
As I see that's been a huge part of my work
Even as a city planner where I was working in transportation and connectivity and sidewalks and things like that
connection in a different way and I'm still continuing with that theme now as the flirt coach just hoping and
Hoping to bring more connection into people's lives. I hope to inspire them to
Yeah, just to express themselves to put themselves out there to build confidence
Yeah, that's
That's what I that's what I hope every time I post and talk about flirting
So that's that's my like sort of a clean clear definition of flirting
But it is ultimately always always always about connection. Yeah, I like that
So this kind of leads to my next question. Does it always have to indicate like romantic or even?
Sexual interest or is it like just kind of gonna be playful platonic?
Yes. Yes. So when it comes to connection, I think you have three varieties of connection platonic
platonic connections
Romantic connections and the connection you have with yourself and you're gonna explore all of them in
the flirt
It's I know like sometimes I feel like I don't have like the juiciest like ripest answer of the flirt is like this sort of
Salacious like overt expression of sexual or romantic interest. It can be there's a time and a place for that
Certainly if you're in a relationship and like yours
Yeah, the flirt can help keep some of that aspect of a relationship alive and even when you're dating flirting in the bedroom
Something like that. Love it
but when you're on a first date there with someone you don't know or
You see someone a party at a party a networking event outrunning errands. You don't even know their name
That's that can never be where you start
It has to come it has to start first with connection
So I the flirt has many varieties and many forms
But it's ultimately about exploring those connections platonically romantically and with the self and
Yeah, depending on the actual connection then it can take many different forms
I'm so interested in this. Like how do you flirt with yourself? Like what's what is that intent?
Oh, so it's like how you are showing up to the flirt like it's
Because I am part of my story is a lifelong introvert. I still am introverted in many ways. I've had
Social anxiety my entire life. So just making connections, let alone flirting hasn't been easy
But so much about the flirt is how you show up and what's going on in your mind
Are you judging yourself? Are you being critical of yourself? Are you rejecting yourself?
Are you bringing past stories and experiences into the flirt?
So the connection with the self as it's related to flirting is about how you are
Showing up because you are a critical part of the flirt
Okay, I kind of get that now I'm like, okay
So the relationship like how you kind of flirt with yourself is by I mean guessing like flirting with others
But by doing that it brings a sense of confidence and it brings a sense of empowerment that maybe you previously don't have like
I'm showing up to this experience. I'm gonna just give it a go. I'm going to just put myself out there and
And like a previous version of myself may have been worried about rejection
But this version of myself that I want to create is not someone who does is that kind of what it's like
Yeah, I can very much be that and I think like
For everyone listening is like some other ways to flirt with yourself are
Right to wear something that really makes you feel good a favorite color
You're playing with your style your makeup your hair could be like it could be flirting with your with your
Positive self-talk self-talk or your affirmations. You could even take it in the direction of like you're flirting with new habits
Yeah flirting with a new I don't know cooking class or something like that. Yeah
So there's lots of ways to then open up the flirt and think of it
yeah, bring it into kind of all aspects of your life, but it's I
Love it as a tool for self-discovery and just to help people get to know themselves better
And so when you're showing up to the flirt
It's like like what are those thoughts? It's like is it I'm too weird or I'm too awkward or I'm not like
I don't look good enough or like what is it? Yeah happening or maybe you're feeling super super good. You're like, I got this
Yeah, you have like your opening line or your pickup line or something like that. So it's ultimately I think a great way to
Build self-awareness around how you like to connect and yeah with that self-awareness you can
You know, then then you can take action on sort of what what's happening
What's coming up? What thoughts are you having and and why?
So I feel like some people are definitely more flirtatious than others
Do you think like that comes down to personality or does it just come down to sheer confidence like a sheer willingness?
or not even willingness just an ability to yeah, you know potentially be rejected or to be
Feel embarrassed or whatever it is. Like do you think it's personality? Do you think it's confidence?
What really makes some people more tapped into the flirt as you call it?
Yeah, that's a good question
I think I think everyone has an inner flirt and when it comes to
Yeah, you see people that seem like they just have this natural flirt confidence about them
Um, I think sometimes it could be more innate, you know
If it's someone that is totally cool and loves receiving attention
Because that's part of the flirt too is you're giving attention energy to someone else sharing that but then looking to receive it back
So some people love they love giving a compliment because they know they're gonna get some attention back. That could be part of it
some people have
You know humor that just lends itself more to
That kind of in the moment, right? They're not so much in their heads
but I think what truly makes a natural flirt a sort of quote-unquote natural flirt is
not how they look or
Anything like that. It's their ability to just get out of their head with the flirt
and
And not second get them second-guess themselves in the moment
It really does a lot of times come down to confidence and how do you do that?
like if you're someone who wants the opportunities brought on by flirting like the playfulness like maybe more collection or
Like the ability to kind of express romantic interest and have that like reciprocated
What are some of like the strategies that maybe you've used or you've seen other people use to get themselves out of their heads
Into the present into the situation
Yeah, that's my that's my motto at the end at the open of all of all my podcast episodes
To get out of your head and into the flirt to stop thinking your way through the flirt more
So feel your way through the flirt
And I think one way you do that is by opening up your experience of flirting and your idea of what flirting is your
Concept of what flirting is and look to make those connections with everyone regardless of whether or not you think they're hot
Right
You want someone to give you attention back?
You see someone that has piqued your interest that now you want to go on a date with or you want to hook up with
Whatever if you're going into the flirt with this very narrow-minded point of view of who you think this person is and you're already
Assuming the role that you that you want them to play in your life because of how they look. Let's just say
Well, it's just
The flirt may not be received that way first of all
But then also you're very much limiting yourself to the types of flirts
You can experience into the types of people that you're going to flirt and then connect with so I love just
opening up people's
Idea of what the flirt is the role it can serve in their lives being that it's ultimately all about
connection
It's playful. It's an energetic exchange. Sometimes I describe it as an act of service
It really is
That it's an opportunity for you to learn
some incredible things about
Someone else about yourself. And so if if you're struggling with confidence or you just feel like you don't have the confidence to do that
think about the times in your life when you have
made connections just in the moment could be with friends and maybe you don't consider that a flirt but
Connection is connection nonetheless. And so you've proven to yourself that you can do it. Mm-hmm
I really like that like lower firstly lowering your expectation
Not even lowering but changing your expectations around what's flirting actually is and the desired outcome like going into it
Being like okay. Well, this is more about me than it is about them as of right now
Like this is a this is a confidence-building thing for me. I'm just gonna try and do it
Mm-hmm, and then the outcome is whatever it is. Whatever it is. Like it's a learning process
Mm-hmm. Um, I want to talk about some more like practical ways to flirt. Okay, okay
So and maybe this is like very I want it to be very specifically
What do you think are the most effective ways of flirting whether it's like asking questions like physical?
What in your mind and your experience like really works?
So I love starting with flirt styles, I think can be super useful
This is something that came from the University of Kansas
It's there's published published research on this like there's actually been four or five
But I've really distilled them down into four flirt styles where there's playful sincere traditional and physical
And I think I would even add a fifth now most recently
The demure flirt if you're on social media, you have probably seen that trend
So I think knowing your flirt style
can be
super super helpful and then it comes back to
Working the flirt
Non-verbally and verbally so ultimately with flirt styles. It's how how do you like to express interest in somebody how you like to connect?
Do you like I'm very much a playful flirt I have elements of sincere we have elements of all of them
But you probably have one or two
That are more dominant. So I'm very playful. I use lots of body language hand motions
I'm very expressive with my eyes and my face. I play with my tone of voice
So I bring a lot of playful elements
I bring some humor into it and then I pair that with sincerity where I am asking genuine questions
I'm practicing active listening. I'm offering compliments that are non-physical. Yeah
Can you break down those those four flirt styles like by profile?
Cuz I feel like I get where I get those examples was like, yeah
I kind of can they give some examples of sincere and of playful and a physical
But what are some of the more detailed like criteria or kind of characteristics of each of those styles?
Yeah, so playful is is the type of flirt that is gonna lean more towards humor
You might even like roast someone a little bit if this is someone you know, kind of well
You're gonna be very just overall playful and expressive probably in your demeanor
since the sincere flirt really likes to ask questions and
Offer compliments like this is the person that is like, maybe they don't bring a ton of
Humor or jokes to the flirt, but they are like they're in it
They're asking those those questions so they can really get to know you and understand you better the traditional flirt is
this style of flirt is like it's
Like sort of like quote-unquote playing it safe a little bit
That's not how I want to describe it like they they really follow a lot of traditional
Conventions when it comes to getting to know someone so kind of like hello
How are you? My name is like they're not really gonna be touchy-feely or looking to give a hug or something like that
they're sort of gonna really respect a lot of
Boundaries in a sense right away and it can give the illusion of a slower burn style of flirt
But this is just how this person likes to express interest
This is so interesting. Yeah
Of course, that is so interesting cuz that sounds like spot-on like my partner
Like when we first started dating I was like you even into me, but he would do things like open the door for me
Buy me flowers, but then I would be like, you know
Then I remember like on maybe our third day. He like gave me a hug and it was like the most awkward hug
I've ever had
Because he's just like not what he was used to and he's like, but he is definitely like it's so funny listening to this thing
like oh, yeah, he's totally traditional and very much like sincere where he will be like doing all the things that you would expect like a
Gentlemen in like the 1930s. Yeah, so they're I think that's probably his flirt style traditional with elements of sincere
Yeah, which is interesting. Sorry interrupted when the last one is
The last one is physical and this one like our minds tend to go right to oh
This is the person that is like giving physical compliments right away. They're being being very touchy-feely
To an extent yes, like when this is someone you get to know but right away in an initial flirt
This is someone that I feel like brings just a lot of physical energy. They're very animated like with their body language
They're gonna be very open. I think a little bit more relaxed
They may do a little bit of like touching you on top of the shoulder sort of nudging their shoulder into yards
Like they're gonna gravitate gravitate towards
Some touch probably as a means to express interest
But that can be conveyed and in a one-dimensional way
Even though if it's not meaning meaning to be in like intended as like hey, I want you kind of thing
Yeah, and then the demure flat, which is this new one that you've yeah
This recently is it something you've just recently introduced based on like the trend
Very yes, exactly that I think it I think it'd be a very fun
Fifth flirt style where this is the flirt. That's very mindful, right? Very
Respectable very approachable. I'm kind of getting like, you know
The flirt that's like a little bit more laid-back sort of come to me kind of thing
But I see them as also bringing a lot of sincere and playful elements, too
So maybe the demure is a combination of playful and sincere
Yeah, it's so interesting like hearing you say these and being like they a lot of them are kind of aligned with like our love languages
right, like yeah, you know acts of service being traditional like words of affirmation being sincere physical touch being
physical
Which is very and I feel like and that's what you were explaining before
It's like there is no way to go about like showing interest in someone
Does sometimes need to be a combination but you start small it's like asking a question
I feel like the thing that really holds people back from
Outwardly floating is being embarrassed about being called out by it or it. It's like yes rejection is a component
It's like someone just not reciprocating, but it's also like okay. Someone has noticed that I'm doing it and is then turned off by that
But what you were saying if like it can be so small like just asking a really sincere question is a way of like
Embracing the flirt or like being like very demure and very much like I want you to come in
Come and chase be in a way. Also another great example
So do you think that it's better to be like more subtle or more obvious when it comes to flooding? I
think it
Depends like it could
Mmm, like the flirt in that way could follow more
Heteronormative gender roles if it's like well the guy's gonna approach the woman kind of thing
And so like the woman is then giving some of those signals with some body language some eye contact, right?
Pulling the eye contact away
Maybe like the hair gets tucked behind the ear and then sort of like like I don't know tongue
I don't know bite the bottom lip or something like some of these sort of traditional expressions of
nonverbal interest we may think of
but it's like from what I hear and
Doing the work that I do. It's like I think everyone can approach everybody. Mm-hmm
But it starts with the point of connection and then letting it build from there and it can build quickly
It's not like you have to stay in this neutral space of connection forever
But like to to what you're saying
It's you never know
where someone is at how they're what they're thinking about how they're feeling on you on any given day if they're up to
Receive a flirt and so just working your way into it. I think is a great
Ultimately a great strategy, especially if this is someone you don't know you're just out in public somewhere. You're at an event
Mm-hmm. And I do feel I really do see what you mean
It's like starting subtle also gives them time to reciprocate in a way. Yes. Yes
I mean especially like okay
If you're you're listening to this episode and you like have someone in mind
You're like, okay, I want to start approaching this person
I am interested in them and I want them to know that like I'm kind of open to it
starting subtle and small
Kind of test that and it tests that they they're going that it is a mutual feeling
rather than sometimes, you know a more obvious common where there is a
lot more space to be
Rejected or maybe even embarrassed to go for it and to have them be like no, I don't think of you that way
maybe like that's another way of like
conceptualizing floating it's like
It's like testing the waters a little bit
Yeah before
Ultimately pursuing them. Have you found that to be like the case with people that you've spoken to or in your work? Oh
Yeah, absolutely. It's like yeah, if you are looking to explore some more romantic
Interest like if that is part of your intention with the flirt
It's like you've got to you've got to start somewhere and it could be you know
We're talking a lot of about in-person examples
But if it's online if you're on the apps if you're on social media, you want to slide into someone's
DMs
It's like if you go in
To the flirt right away with those expectations of I want this person to receive this flirt in this particular way
I want my interest to be reciprocated in this particular way
Well, ultimately you're flirting with another person and there's no guarantee
That that's gonna happen. And so then maybe you are feeling rejected or you're feeling like you've fumbled the flirt or like it
Just didn't go well
Um
But it's like starting a little bit more
subtly
Making that connection first expressing that interest having that interest received and reciprocated and then you get the flirt back
And like you can have a lot of fun in this initial phase
It's not as if you're going up to someone who's like, hello like
It's like that's you know, we're not just going with small talk some back-and-forth banter here. The flirt is
It's really about energy. It's about vibrations as well. It's much much more than just
You know talking about the weather
Yeah, I also I also feel like when I was fighting a lot more like
romantically
It really was like okay. It's not really about you. It's about the energy that I'm going to bring and
Hope and like not even hoping but knowing that what that is. That's going to be contagious and
Also being like, okay, if I'm going to step into this situation
I talk about this a lot on the show of like the golden orb theory
Which is my idea that if you visualize this like big golden orb like
Coming out of you and encircling everyone around you with each breath. It's like propelling confidence. It's propelling
all of this like good vibrant energy
And everyone that it touches will immediately like you
that's like the kind of energy that I really like to bring to the situations and it was interesting because
It's also a really great way of discerning
You know whether people are actually kind of at your level in a sense
Like whether they're going to be a good match because if you know
you've got someone who's like you're putting out all this really great energy and they're just not really picking it up and
Reciprocating it or even just not even noticing it or even the worst-case scenario like not enjoying it
it's kind of like well, okay, this stopped me from going really really slow and cautiously and
You know only asking questions and trying to like tow the line
Between expressing romantic interest and six months later realizing that this person is probably not for me versus
kind of again
Putting it like putting it out there
Yeah, and seeing what they take for themselves or what they kind of hand back to me
But you have any other like confidence tricks like that kind of instance of like a hack to
Immediately like being the mindset that is
Ready to embrace the flow or ready to flirt no matter the outcome
Do you have any like tricks for people to get into that state of mind where they're prepared and willing to give it a go?
Yeah, I think I do and I hope I hope everyone listening will like this as I know
Like oftentimes you you think about the flirt as you're dating or you're in a relationship
And so it oftentimes goes in the direction of romantic of expressing romantic interest
And so like let's just say you're out one night with friends
Like you're dancing and you see someone that's super right you find really attractive
You may be seeing them around a few times and you want to go and approach them and flirt
But maybe like the last one didn't go. Well, you're you're fearful, you know, oh, they're already taken
They're actually here with someone and you didn't know or they are right
Their person isn't here or they're gonna reject you and then it can just like sour
The rest of your night you're feeling embarrassed and just like, you know, I've been in that situation to plenty of times and so
one thing that I
Love to work with is thinking about the flirt as ultimately an act of service
Going into it with no expectations, right? You're not going in there expressing romantic interest or intent right away
but just looking to
Bring a smile to someone's face to
to uplift your mood and their mood in the process to have a laugh to share a moment and
Have it be that have it be truly that in the present moment and you will oftentimes be surprised
What unfolds after that? I really like that again back to those like lowering your expectations
Not of yourself, but of what someone else might be willing to give back, which is really okay
You
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so I want to talk about something else here because I think we're talking about flirting a lot in the sense of like
Casual connections people you've just met strangers even how can we incorporate flirting into like long-term?
Relationships because it's kind of like it can't just be something that you only pull out when
You want to get someone and then as soon as you've got them you you know, you stop the show
How do you kind of keep that as part of a healthy relationship?
It's a good question because I I like else I've said that the flirt is
The one thing that you'll have from your first meeting even before the first meeting all the way through the relationship
Like this is the one continuous thread that is gonna like the first date starts with the flirt
The second day you get there through the flirt and so on and so on and should it blossom into a relationship?
The flirt is what is in many ways carrying like
It's a part of it. It's a part of it for sure
And being that the flirt is all about connection. So ultimately, how do you all like to?
Connect like what is something that you both enjoy that is super fun to do if it's a poly or open relationship
That can be part of this discussion too. And so it's ultimately doing things that make you feel
really
connected to one another and so sometimes I'll work with couples or one one part of the couple where they're feeling disconnected and it's
Because they're not having a lot of quality time. It's maybe they don't feel considered when they're
Communicating right? It's sort of like oh, yeah sure sort of very being brushed off. So if you're not feeling truly
Seen in your relationship, of course the flirt
It's like that's probably that's gonna go out the out the door
Yeah, so there there are some foundational things to work on perhaps
around communication around just understanding one another
respecting boundaries needs like some of that but
Flirting can also be a huge part of what is gonna have a relationship
Be healthy and remain healthy as it's a way to connect to one another and so I
Oftentimes like to share this one example. This is from
My mom and stepdad and what they do is they got this pack of action figures
that's these little figurines I think from the dollar store here in the States and
they hide them all over the house and
Maybe on these action figures like there's there's these little notes or maybe like the action figure is like holding something
Random like a flower from outside or maybe it has this little note that says I love you or something like that
not a ton of
Time that really went into creating this moment
Connection and so I think just exploring, you know
Maybe that was an example that you really like if you're out there listening and in a relationship
I think it's bringing those really genuine moments of connection
Into the relationship where the whole point is just to say I see you. I'm glad you're in my life. I love you
Mmm, and that's the flirt can serve you there. Yeah, I really like that idea. That's actually very very sweet
It's just so cute. I know it's so cute and it's almost like
Maybe part of being flirty is being childish a little bit and really tapping into that
Part of you that's going to be willing to not be serious all the time is adult life kind of makes us serious and it makes
us think about big cushions and
Responsibilities and all these things and it's like actually no get back to like the real innocent
Oh my god gentle gooey part of your relationship and tap into that and it's so cute because I'm my grandparents who are
you know, my grandpa's about to turn 90 and
He is so flirtatious with my grandma still
And I'm sure like that part of their relationship like the more sexual side of the relationship like has probably died down a little bit
But you wouldn't be able to tell because it's like yeah, he's always like
You know has these gorgeous pet names for her
It's like spoiling her and it's kind of like okay, I can see that this is actually deliberate strategy that you are using
Not to keep the love alive, but to keep this like spark a flame
Rather than just something that dwindles. So do you see that a lot with with couples where it's like what you're really missing here is just
Finding ways to connect and appreciate each other through the flirt. It's yeah, cuz like as
Sometimes a relationship can become
Really?
Transactional it's like it's just about doing things for one another if like you're both super busy you're building careers
You're raising a family. Perhaps it's just okay. I'm doing this you do this
It just because you're playing your roles
That serves a purpose to an extent and this relationship becomes very transactional. Well, then it's like you're
two people
Kind of cohabitating perhaps and it's like where's the flirt?
Where's the romance and I feel like that's just as valuable as all the other things that you would do for someone like I think sometimes
The bare bones of a relationship are not enough showing up for them
It is great and like doing the dishes is great and saying I love you is great
but even having
Minimum it's like and sometimes like I was talking to someone about this the other day and she's like, yeah
You know when your partner says I love you
But like, you know, they don't actually like love you in that moment
they're just saying it because they look they know that they are that they love you in general and
It's really like taking the time to be like no like this is a conscious decision of mine
To be like actively present in this relationship and to again something you said earlier
I'd like to use this as a service like this is a service to you to keep this relationship alive
So my final question is any final tips tricks
practical advice pickup lines
Anything that comes to mind that you think can elevate the flirt for people. I
Mean this could be a whole other episode
Yeah, just off down this one question
I mean, I think like hopefully it's come through in the interview today that I am very playful
And I love to have a lot of fun
So I think just coming back to the part of the episode about your flirt style
Maybe you really relate or identify with one of them. I think reflecting back to parts of this episode
Where we talked about what the flirt is that it's about connection that it comes without those expectations in the present moment
So having some of that flirt framework in place and then when it comes to flirting in real life
it's like
have those one or two ways that you like to introduce yourself that you like to
Start initiate the flirt. It can be with some eye contact
Smiling that kind of thing
So just to give you like an as an example say like I were at the club the club and I saw someone cute
I wanted to flirt with and so instead of just like going right up tapping them on the shoulder like hey
Can I buy you a drink or something like that?
I might you know kind of make eye contact with them at some point like around the bar on the dance floor
Come over to them be like, hey, I saw you looking at me from across the way and then make a joke
Oh my god, do I still have my name tag on or oh is my tag on inside out?
It's my shirt on inside out or something like that and then bring some humor into it
Hopefully have them smile a laugh and then at that point introduce myself. Hey, my name is Benjamin. Yeah, I go
Yeah, and I really really like that
You're in the Florida at that point introduce yourself can be a part of it and then
Detaching from any and all expectations at that point. Maybe that's all
The maybe that's the whole flirt or maybe
We go to the dance floor. Maybe we go outside
And have a and and talk more. Yeah
Yeah, I really like that. Who knows and also that sorry
I'm already I'm continuing this conversation about even though I was last
Last piece of advice, but I will say like one thing that you just mentioned there was like the self-deprecating humor as well
like if you want to take if you want to take the pressure off maybe
you know
Just make it make fun of yourself bring a little bit of like lightness and like yeah
Just lightness to the situation so that neither of you feel like okay wait
There's expectations here if this person isn't interested like they need to immediately shut me down or I need to be immediately
Conscious of them not liking it like it's it's okay to just be a little bit again
I think this is a repetitive thing I've been saying and that you've been saying is like just be playful with it
It's a big part of it and the flirt is so much. It's about possibility
It's about opportunity
And so if you find you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to flirt like even I
I'm not in a flirting mood all the time. I don't flirt with literally everybody
so if you're not feeling up to it or you feel like
Or someone you think they were flirting with you and you didn't put up on it or someone you wanted to flirt with and you
Know now that say it you're at the club and that time has passed. Oh my god. I'll never see them again
There's always another flirt. You didn't mess it up
it's okay, so just take the pressure off yourself where sometimes I feel like we
We feel like we have to perform in the flirt where we have to show up as a certain person where oh now
I want this person to see me as sexy or flirty or fun or whatever
Like what your did you did an episode on this somewhat recently about this idea of perception and how we're
perceived and I think this is
This happens in the flirt too or sometimes we show up as the way we want to be perceived versus showing up as truly
ourselves and this is back to the point of connection with the self it's like
Yeah, I want you to just show up as you whoever that is whoever you are wherever you are
It's to be you. Yeah, the hardest things in the world though. Yeah, I know. I know I love that
We're like just be off but it's like no it takes a while. This is part of it. Yeah
Yeah, this is part of it just being like yeah part of it
Yeah, I'm open to whatever happens like we talked about in the fear of being perceived episode
it's like that you need to sometimes the best way to get over your fear of rejection is is through exposure and
Just being like okay. They might not be reciprocate might not reciprocate and I'll still be okay
So I feel like that is a great place to end it
I want to say thank you so much for coming on for this episode. Where can everyone find you?
Oh my goodness. I would love for everyone to come flirt with me on flirts to Graham, which is Instagram
Flirt talk, which is tick tock. There's flirt tube
YouTube I'm very much about branding and
flirtations
New episodes dropping every week where I talk about flirting. Yes, but also lots of
Dating advice as well. I really focus on in my work the flirt through
Defining that relationship. So these this early phase of dating where it's like sometimes what's happening?
Yeah, I know it's always always up in the air, but that actually I
Feel like if you're like going through a single period at the moment a low-confidence period definitely check out and stuff. It's incredible
Amazing and as always if you enjoyed this episode, please feel free to give us a follow leave a five-star review
Whatever you are listening right now. Maybe share with a friend who needs a little bit of advice
or
You know needs to be on flirts to Graham whatever it is
And make sure you go and check out all of Ben's work until next week. Stay stay stay kind and be gentle with yourself
We will talk very very soon
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