I just got back from the most glorious trip to Bali with my mum.
It's so funny that the older we get, the less quality time we actually get to spend with our parents, which is why I felt so lucky to be able to spend hours by the pool with her in our Airbnb, tucked away below the rice fields doing yoga every day eating the best Indonesian food I've ever had cooked
by our Airbnb host.
It was the most glorious trip and we made memories that are going to last the rest of my life and it was even better having our own private space just for us rather than a hotel.
Tucked away we really got to enjoy all the serenity that Bali had to offer thanks in part to our beautiful Airbnb.
One of my most treasured pieces of jewelry is a Pandora ring from my mum.
To this day it is a staple, it is a part of every single outfit I wear and I never take it off.
Pandora has such a beautiful variety of rings, bracelets, earrings, necklaces and charms, meaning that there are endless ways to show your individual style and personality.
They're also expertly crafted and their classic designs means that each piece lasts the test of time and you will never want to take it off.
Treat yourself or someone you love to a Pandora gift that shines from within.
Shop Pandora jewelry today.
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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our 20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great as always to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology of our 20s.
There is no pain, I think, more unique and unexplainable than the pain of unreciprocated and unrequited love.
It feels very misplaced.
It feels like a lot of people don't really understand what we're saying or what we're trying to communicate when we say, I love this person so deeply and they don't love me back and I don't know how to move on.
It is such a bizarre state to be in.
We're so used to heartbreak coming from a mutual affection or the pain of loving someone only occurring when they loved you back.
But honestly, I think that it's just as easy to be perhaps in love, obsessed, overwhelmed by your feelings for someone, even though they are completely one -sided.
And in all honesty, I think it can really drive us a bit mad.
It can drive us to become someone that we never thought we'd be.
It can drive us into a completely strange and confused mental state, not really knowing where to turn.
But we do actually have a word for this feeling as confusing as it may be for you right now, as chaotic as it may be.
What you're feeling is limerence, this involuntary, all -consuming sense of love and obsession with somebody who doesn't feel the same way about us.
It's this attachment that we can't let go of and it impacts us in so many ways and it impacts so many of us.
But we, I think, just feel a little bit ashamed to talk about it, mainly because it feels so much like love for us.
But we kind of know that from the outside or to a stranger or a friend, it wouldn't look that way.
Maybe we think that we'd be called dramatic or that we're overreacting, we're too sensitive, we're romanticizing things too much.
Whatever it is, we feel like there is no place for this feeling that it's, you know, not a valid one to have.
But I really do think that it is.
I think that it is actually a lot more normal than you would think and that there is a lot of valid explanations as to why we feel this, why so many of us find ourselves in this state.
Let's bring that all out into the open today and really discuss what causes us to enter into this space of limerence.
I have my own stories of limerence that will hopefully bring you some comfort as well.
You know, when I was 21, I spent about, I honestly would have to say almost two years, maybe a year and a half, madly in love with someone who was very clear he did not feel the same way.
And even after I kind of recovered from that, that continued into my mid 20s where I would meet people, new people, and immediately romanticize a very grand future together after the first date.
And even after the fifth, sixth, seventh date, when it became clear that they were not thinking the same thing, I just couldn't let it go.
And I don't like to use the word crazy, but it did feel like I was slowly going crazy.
Like this is not a normal response.
The more that I've paid attention and learned about the evidence behind this, the studies, the psychology behind it, the more I realized that actually this was something that was driven by a much deeper need, a much deeper sensation and a much deeper explanation.
And now that I'm in this like very healthy, happy relationship, I can kind of find a balance between, I wouldn't want to say like calm and healthy love, but sustainable, reciprocal love, and this like all consuming passion.
So let's talk about it today.
I know it may be uncomfortable at times, but I do think that that innate and intense capacity to love is something very beautiful and something that we can find a space for.
We're going to break down exactly what limerance is, when it was first given a name, the four stages of limerance.
I don't know if you know what those are, but also why it is that some of us just feel more intensely than others.
What gets us stuck in the cycle?
And finally, how we can slowly find a pathway out of the state, how we can move on from unrequited love, even if that idea feels quite painful right now, even if you feel like you are relying on this person in this emotional state as a crutch.
I promise that there is closure to be had, there is hope to be had, and hopefully this episode brings that to you.
So I'm very excited, passionate about this subject actually, as a fellow person who has been in a limerance state more than I can probably count, there is a lot to discuss and hopefully you learn something, hopefully you heal something.
Without further ado, let us get into the psychology of limerance.
Even if you've never heard of the term limerance before, you've probably experienced the sensation of seeing someone else experience it and just not really heard the label.
Limerance at face value may be seen as a kind of unrequited love, where we feel intensely about someone who does not reciprocate.
It is a lot more than that though.
For the people who are experiencing it, it is a deep and sometimes intrusive obsession with this person.
And it feels so, so similar to passionate love, maybe even mutual love, but it has this melancholic undertone that you know this person doesn't feel the same way.
You know this is not someone you can hold on to who will return the feelings.
And yet despite that knowledge, there is not much that you feel is in your power that you can do to move on.
You may have tried many, many things, none of it has really worked.
So the term was created by the psychologist Dorothy Tinov in 1979.
So kind of actually a lot further back than you might expect.
Dorothy is actually a really fascinating woman because she spent a great deal of her life basically wanting to understand love, the different kinds of love we experience, how love differs between us, the science behind love, desire, compassion, passion, all of those things.
And it was through that kind of scientific exploration and work that she started interviewing people for her second book which was very appropriately titled Love and Limerance.
And she interviewed over 500 people on the topic of love.
She got their testimonials, she had them answer you know questionnaires, surveys, and from this extensive data what she saw was that there was the typical kind of love that we would expect called amorance where people are kind of equally in love with each other, they're set on building a life together,
it's you know very reciprocal.
And then she also identified this state of limerance which she hadn't really you know nobody had really given it a label before.
It was this combination of infatuation, love sickness, passionate love, and what very much felt like romantic love to the people experiencing it, it just wasn't fulfilled.
Actually most researchers would actually say that limerance has a lot in common with passionate love.
And we should note that you know the word passion initially meant agony which kind of goes to show that there is a lot of agony in this situation.
There is both a beauty and a pain kind of intertwined with this state of longing and love.
In fact actually there was further research on this kind of emotional experience which seems to determine that the very unattainable nature of our goal of being with this person is actually what makes the state of limerance so powerful, the fact that we know deep down that we can't have it.
That is one explanation and there's also the explanation that because we are given occasional positive reinforcement you know someone looks at you from across the room, they text you back.
Every now and again you get to see them occasionally.
That positive reinforcement actually keeps the hope of your affection alive.
You think that it might eventually be realized.
To further see this kind of inaction, this you know state of of longing that seems to contribute to itself, that seems to grow on itself based on occasional positive reinforcement.
We also need to explain the four stages of limerance which are attraction, obsession, elation and frustration and finally resolution which is not so much as a stage I guess but where we exit the cycle where we finally heal or move on which is very much possible.
I want to make sure that that is very clear and articulated.
It is very much possible to move on from limerance.
Let's talk through these stages though.
So attraction is when that kind of intoxicating spark first connects you to.
Maybe it's a first date where you felt an instant bond or particularly deep conversation, something that has emotionally connected you in a way that makes you see potential and really fall for this person.
It feels again very similar to falling in love, the euphoria, the adrenaline, constantly thinking about this person and what that leads to is obsession.
Your thoughts become consumed with this person at work, at school, when you're driving, when you're with your friends, when you're zoning out.
You're always kind of in this fantasy scenario or rethinking something that has occurred.
You bring them up in conversation as often as possible.
You're thinking about all the ways that you could potentially see them this weekend.
Their kind of words and actions are also constantly being analyzed for signs of interest or rejection.
You know, did they text you back a little bit quicker today?
Did they linger? Was that song on their Instagram story about you?
Did they talk to you a little bit differently?
Your mood suddenly becomes heavily dependent on their perceived reactions to you.
This is when we kind of get to the state of elation and frustration, otherwise known as kind of the emotional roller coaster stage, which may be all familiar to some of you.
You kind of alternate between feeling infatuated and validated, too exhausted and hopeless.
It's been likened in this way to kind of an emotional drug addiction that is insatiable and uncontrollable.
You have these crushing lows followed by these hugely euphoric highs and you start to feel more desperate for those highs, but also more distressed when you don't receive them, which I think is basically your mind starting to pick up on the fact that this is a state of longing, this is an inconsistent
relationship, this is an inconsistent bond.
It doesn't really know where to place that.
It doesn't really know what to do with it because the pursuit, the chase feels so addictive.
Sometimes that state of elation and frustration, that state of longing, can last up to three years.
That was one of the figures that really shocked me from this initial research was how sometimes it even outlasts love.
Our state of limerence can outlast the love that occurs in a relationship.
But what we really and seriously need to start steering towards when we get to that state, three years of not much, of nothing, of wishful thinking, that's when we really need to start seeing a resolution.
Either I'm going to say the least likely possibility here, and I know it might be upsetting, but either a mutual relationship does eventuate, which I do think is unlikely, or we do start to see our link and our bond to them gradually fade.
Our brain basically is like, okay, we need to find a way through this.
We cannot stay in this state for the next three, six, nine, 12 years.
It gets bored of it.
It gets bored of longing.
Basically, no matter what happens, we cannot stay in a perpetual state of longing for that long.
Eventually, and hopefully this brings some hope and positivity here, we do realize that we deserve more.
We do want to put our attention towards someone who is going to reciprocate our affection, our adoration, and our time.
Something will trigger you to move on.
I remember this very clearly, what this was for me when I was in a limerick state a few years back.
I'd spent months begging some universal, higher power to please, please let me move on.
Please let me see some clarity in this situation.
Please let me be more logical about this.
I was genuinely desperate.
What actually ended up helping me was I saw this person again.
I hadn't seen them in a while, probably over a year, and upon finally seeing them, I was just like, oh my gosh, you are not what I expected you to be.
You are not who I wanted you to be.
I built up this whole fantasy, and I think it's ready that I give myself what I deserve, and I try and process this.
It did take a few more months, but it was one of those things where once I had the opportunity to leave the situation and come back into it and see that it really wasn't a connection, it wasn't anything more than infatuation and obsession on my behalf, I was like, okay, I have permission now to realize
that this is never going to eventuate, and it's time to move on.
There are a few other things to note about limerence, but beyond just the four stages.
Limerence is at its core involuntary.
You cannot make or force yourself into a limerent, obsessive, infatuated state.
It's almost like there is some underlying pull towards this person, how you're feeling, and some would suggest that that's actually a result of how dopamine and serotonin circuits are wired in the brains of those who experience limerence more often.
Limerence has been related to addiction, and we know this from a series of studies conducted by the anthropologist Helen Fisher.
Helen Fisher, she actually passed away last month, which is quite sad.
I hope she's enjoying whatever awaits us in death, because she was a pretty remarkable lady.
She was one of the first people to prove that love, and with that limerence, is hardwired into the brain.
Her and her co -authors basically drew on brain scan evidence that showed that romantic love is associated with dopamine, which is associated with certain addictive, I don't know if it's addictive cycles, but addictive underlying systems in the brain.
Love can be a positive addiction when it is requited, and it's a negative addiction when it's unrequited or inappropriate.
That kind of explains why when you are in a state of limerence, you are experiencing a negative addiction.
You're experiencing something deeper than your conscious awareness of, like a full dopamine system that is working against you to keep you attached to this person.
The second thing to note is that limerence sometimes does blind us to faults or flaws of the person that we desire, and there was another series of studies conducted in 1999, in which the main researcher found that the dominating similarity between people experiencing limerence was that no matter how
hard they tried, they just could not point out anything that made this person unattractive, even when it was pointed out to them, even when it had to do with what this person was making them feel.
Like, surely this person isn't all that great, considering you're pretty hung up on them and pretty upset and distressed and almost in agony.
And they would say, well, no, no, no, that's not them.
It's just, you know, the circumstances.
We have this blind loyalty to their greatness, which is a very hard illusion to break.
And the final thing that I think is important to note about limerence, it is normally based more on an emotional desire rather than a sexual desire, which is really what distinguishes it from lust.
If you are in a state of limerence, you'll probably relate to wanting to just simply hear from this person, to connect with them, to talk for hours, to see where your relationship could grow rather than just wanting them to be attracted to you or just wanting to have sex with them.
It's what really puts it more in the realm of romantic love for me.
You care the way you would care for a romantic partner or someone that you've known.
