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Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our days and what they mean for ourpsychology.
Helloeverybody, welcome back to theshow.
Welcome back to thepodcast.
Newlisteners, oldlisteners, wherever you are in theworld.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we have called spray down the psychology of our20s.
Youknow, I truly believe this decade is such a sacred time for every single one ofus.
There is something kind of magical about being this young and chaotic but also so focused on thefuture, gainingself-awareness, wanting to get the most out of life'sexperiences, kind of growingup, kind of stillyoung, kind of still knowing you've kind of stillexcited.
There's just so much tolearn.
So much tolearn, especially about ourselves and there's these huge life changing moments of growth and wonder and joy and also these hugerelationships.
This big part of this whole experience of thisdecade, something that really makes and breaks our years and our months as 20-something yearolds, is who we choose todate, who we fallfor, who we spend our timewith, youknow,romantically, whether that's in a committed sense ornot, the people that wepursue.
I think that if you ask most of us in thisdecade, what is one of the things that you think the most about or which has the biggest impact on your experiences and your mood and so muchelse?
It would be love and it would be relationships and it would be dating and it's honestly such a formative part of these years but not all relationships are meant to be and they're not always beneficial to this like journey of discovery that we've got going on in our 20s and not always who weneed.
Sometimes being in love and having fun just isn'tenough, especially when there are some pretty huge signs that this relationship might not be goinganywhere, it might be costing you a lot more than you thought it wouldbe, it might actually be jeopardizing some of the experiences that you have in this period of life or jeopardizing part of your identity or your personhood ingeneral.
And I think one of the big regrets that a lot of peoplehave, or something that we think that we're going toregret, we fear is being in our late20s, early 30s and realizing that we ignored red flags in our relationship or we continue to pursue people who weren't good for us and we really should have been alone and we really should have been with somebodybetter.
And that's what I want to talk abouttoday.
What are the red flags specifically for relationships in our 20s that we need to look outfor?
What are the warning signs that something is off in a relationship or about aperson?
I think we all understand what red flagsare, they are essentially these things that should cause us to break things off withsomebody.
And there are a lot of red flags that are prettyuniversal.
If they'rejealous, if they treat youpoorly, if they don't communicate or supportyou, if they loveBOMU, if they'renarcissistic, these are really true no matter where youare, your gender and most specifically yourage.
But there are some red flags that I think are specifically valuable to be aware of during thisdecade.
And when you'rewants, they're a bit more specific to the life stage and the period that we're in and the experiences that we'rehaving.
And I think my biggest guiding philosophy that I had when thinking about these five big red flags was that the relationship with the right person during this decade can really elevate the experiences that you're having in your20s.
But with the wrongperson, you are much better experiencing everything by yourself or with your friends or accompanied by family or platoniclove.
Then spending theseyears, hoping somebody's going to change with the wrong person in the wrongrelationship, there is I think a very fine line and an important line between wanting to experiencelove, but then also knowing that you would benefit from beingsingle.
And that's what I want to talk abouttoday.
One of the red flags that we should look outfor, one of the situations that we don't want to get stuckin, one of some of the things that we might realize will inevitably cost us so that we will inevitably regret about the relationships that we have in our20s.
We have so much tocover.
So without furtherado, my lovelylisteners, let's get intoit.
Let's start this offstrong.
If there was just one red flag on this list and noneother, no other redflags,personally, this would be mynumber, my number one as it relates to our20s.
So our number one redflag, if they hold you back from havingexperiences, especially the kind of experiences that create memories that are going to last longer than thatrelationship, that is not the right relationship foryou.
Listen, everyone is in a differentstage, but if you have big dreams of moving overseas or traveling for three months or starting your own business or solo hiking or whatever itis,please,please,please, please don't give that up for arelationship.
A good relationship should allow you to be all of those things andmore.
You should feel secure enough in that connection and in the stability of your partnership to be an independent person because you don't get this timeback.
You might not get this opportunityagain.
You may never be where you arenow.
You may never be prepared to seek out this adventure and take thatrisk.
And if you wait for when your partner is ready or you hold off because somebody you're dating doesn't want to go or doesn't want you togo, which is evenworse.
I'm telling you rightnow, you will regretthat.
And the reason that I know this is because there have been studies on this verything, saying no or not making a decision leads to so much more long-term regret thansaying,yes, even if by sayingyes, you end up losing out on something else because thatexperience, those memories will make up for what it is that you mightlose.
They will last so muchlonger.
They will be such a source of joy and they will just be evidence that despite thebarriers, despite everything telling you to stay with this person to staysafe, to staycomfortable, you did itanyways.
Some of the most enduring regrets that people have at the end of theirlife, and which they tell people who do studies onthis, they stem from actions nottaken.
And the right kind of love will accommodate yourdreams.
The worst kinds of love will restrictyou.
We'll want to keep yousmall.
So when I first started dating myboyfriend, like three monthsin, I kind of sat himdown.
Andsaid,basically, if I wasn't datingyou, I wouldn't be inAustralia.
I had these plans that in sixmonths'time, like at the end of theyear, that I was going to moveoverseas.
And I used to kind of always joke with people when we first met that it was like such terrible timing to meet somebody so wonderful tome, like the love of mylife.
Like, part of mewas, and itlike, oh mygosh, why didn't I meet him like a year earlier when everything was still up in theair?
Why did I meet him in twoyears' time when I'd gone and done thosethings?
And I did have a moment of beinglike, I don't want to give my dreams up for this guy who only three months ago was astranger.
And so I talked to him aboutit.
Isaid, I really want to liveoverseas.
And Ireally, really likeyou.
I don't know if I loved him at thatpoint, but I waslike, I really enjoy ourrelationship.
But this is kind of a deal breaker forme.
And you know what hesaid?
Hesaid,okay, let's make atimeline.
This is an experience that you want to have to live overseas for a year ortwo.
Let's make ithappen. And if you want to gonow, let's make itwork.
And that was a huge greenflag.
It was like a respect for the fact that my life existed beyond ourrelationship.
And he really appreciated mydreams.
And he appreciated my dreams not just for mylife, but for my20s.
Youknow, I'm somebody who thinks about their 20s a lot and who thinks about getting the most out of this decade somuch.
And I think that I couldn't be with somebody who didn't appreciate what I wanted to experience in the life I wanted tolive.
So if someone doesn't respect thosethings, if they hold youback, if they make you feel insecure about doing the things that you want todo, if they don't want you to do them withoutthem, I just think that that shouldn't impede your decision making and that you should be free to be a person before you are apartner, to have a life before you have arelationship.
So red flag numbertwo, they are not the one if they are causing you intense emotionalchaos.
There is a really fine balance between someone who is exciting and exhilarating and someone who is going to absolutely destroy everything in yourlife, yourself-esteem, yourvalues, yourself-confidence.
And that can take a long time torepair.
So there was a study in 2019 that examined this verything.
They examined romantic relationships in emerging adulthood and emerging adulthood is this period between like 18 and29.
And what this research suggested was that romantic relationships during this period that areunpredictable, that are disruptive ordistressing, they can actually cause significant changes in ourmood, significant changes in our interest inlife.
They can reduce our positive emotions and they can reduce our sense of stableself-worth.
And that impact doesn't disappear when we leave the relationshipeither.
It can linger sometimes foryears.
So let me explain by what I mean by intense emotionalchaos.
And if you relate to any of thesethings, see it as a redflag.
So feeling good about the relationship one day and then terrible the next without any explanation as towhy, never knowing what to expect from the otherperson, your emotions are out of control when it comes to this person or yourrelationship, crying over this person in yourrelationship, sometimes without any givenreason, feeling nauseous or anxious about thefuture, not feeling likeyourself.
If your friends notice that you've changed or your lesson touched with yourself or yourupset, feeling the need to kind of completely explode your life because ofthem.
That is the intense emotional chaos that I'm talkingabout.
There are a few kinds of relationships that I think create thisreaction.
Forstarters, relationships with people who are just simply manipulative or breadcrumbing you or who aren't right for you and in our deepest of hearts we know that that often elicits thisreaction.
But the biggest one that is very so uniquely 20 something issituationships.
Thesehalf-baked, pseudo relationships that leave you feeling uneasy and unsure what actually toexpect, unsure of what's actually going on and veryconvoluted.
Situationships by nature are chaotic because whilst you're inthem, they neither have a future or anend.
So they are constantly suspended in this emotionallimbo.
And I think whilst our natural instinct is to bond and attach to this person because we are connecting withthem, we are building memories withthem, we are sharing time withthem.
And the lack of a label or exclusivity creates this very logical and irrational understanding that we shouldn't be doingthat.
But our emotional and our biological urge is doing soanyways.
So basically what I'm saying is that you end up getting attached whether you want to ornot.
These situations can be sointense.
I do really feel for anyone who was going through this at themoment.
Back in like2021, I was in this like six-month relationship with thisguy.
After the end of my first big long-term relationship and it was like a complete rollercoaster and it was a completedisaster.
And throughout theexperience,I, it was a state of emotionalchaos.
I lost a big part ofmyself.
I lost friends and I lost my sense of self-respect and to behonest, I think I lost a bit of my healthy perspective onlove.
And it took a while torecover.
It took a while to unlearn what I had implicitly learned about myself and about others because of thatsituation.
Nowadays I definitely value what I went through because it taught me things about myself that I never would havelearned.
But I would have preferred to learn them in a different way rather than going throughthat.
And the biggest red flag for me should have been the emotional chaos I was experiencing at thebeginning.
But because I was in such a self-destructive place and I'll be the first to admitit, theanxiety, the ups anddowns, thejitters,that, youknow, that was my intuition telling me to break itoff.
But thosejitters, thoseexperiences, thisemotion, it felt fun and it feltexciting.
And I didn't know how to identify what I was goingthrough.
Maybe it's a ride ofpassage.
I don'tknow. Maybe a lot of people you have to have a relationship like this in your20s.
It seems like a lot of ushave.
But I also think save thesuffering, save themisery, save yourself the time and the inevitable explosion threemonths, six months later and try and notice those feelings when they firstoccur.
So red flag numberthree, a little bit different from that lastone.
They don't celebrate you or encourageyou.
Now this is problematic to me for quite a fewreasons.
Numberone, quitefrankly, you just deserve someone who thinks you are incredible and I think that being celebratory and encouraging somebody is just part of being a goodpartner.
So it kind of shows that they aren'tthat.
And numbertwo, it is part of a healthy partnership and it shows their commitment to yourgrowth, which is also a great greenflag.
Numberthree, if they aren't celebrating younow, don't expect that to change in thefuture.
So I always say how the relationship begins is how itends.
If it has begun with a complete deficit in them feeling proud of you or them wanting to express happiness foryou, that's not going tochange.
And numberfour, which is similar to number two actually comes down to a theory known as the Michelangelotheory, which states that our close partners sculpt us into hopefully becoming the best versions of ourselves by implicitly promoting and encouraging our best traits and inhibiting the things that hold usback.
The reason that it's called the Michelangelo phenomena is after the artist and the sculptor who would make these beautiful creations frommarble.
And that is what a good partner couldn't do toyou.
It's not that they are like intentionally chipping away and trying to make you a better person or make you into the version of you that theylike.
It's more that the right person encourages the things that you really like about yourself and helps you become the version of you that you have chosen to become or who is withinyou.
One way that they do that is through encouragement andcelebration, which as the theory would suggest pushes us towards our idealselves.
We obviously care about our partner's opinions and we trust what they say and what theythink.
And if they are the ones who arelike,yeah, that was a really great job that you went to the gymtoday.
We feel really great when they say that or if they encourage us to go back to school or if they encourage us to pursue ourdreams, that is quitemotivating.
And if your partner is not doingthat, especiallynow, especially in your20s, I think that that is something that isn't going to change and perhaps it's preventing you from living up to yourpotential.
Andalso, I just think that naturally if you lovesomebody, if you care aboutthem, you do care about theirfuture.
And you do care about their goals and their pursuits and you do want them to improve the way that they seefit.
I think we often think about our goals in our dreams is quite a solitaryaffair, especially during this decade when we're just gettingstarted.
Youknow, it all comes down to our discipline and our commitment and our intelligence and our creativity and the hours that we are putting intosomething.
But this theory really suggests that the opposite istrue, that actually it does take a village and it's the people closest to us who have the biggest influence on whether we succeed in our dreams or whether wedon't.
There's also additional research that shows that having an equally motivated partner who encourages you and celebratesyou, but also is equally productive and equally pursuing a sense of satisfaction and fulfillment in their lives will help you be a betterperson.
It's called socialcontagion.
That's what we call it inpsychology.
You probably heard thequote, youknow, you are the product of the five people closest to you and that's what this idea of social contagionreflects.
So partner is definitely one of thosefive,right?
And the older weget, the further we get into our 20s and even our 30s and our40s, they normally become the numberone.
So if they aren't in yourcorner, if you have a big win at work and they brush pastit, if you like set a PR at the gym and it's not something that they care about or they're even interestedin, sometimes their disinterests can actually work as a form of negative reinforcement and it can discourage you from continuing to pursue yourgoals.
Youknow, the opposite of the Michelangelo phenomenon is actually the blueberryphenomena.
And what the blueberry theory basically says is that independent people bring out the worst in each other because when one person is doing poorly or failing orstruggling, they bring the other person down withthem.
Youknow, it's kind of where the name comes from is having like a pun of blueberries orstrawberries.
If you've ever had like one blueberry go bad in thepun, like quickly thewhole, the rest of the blueberries becomerotten.
And that is what this theory is saying is basicallylike, if you are with a partner who does not encourage you or celebrate you or who does not want you tosucceed, it's not that they'rerotten, but youknow, their values are contagious and might end up spoiling your owngoals.
And I know it's very easy to see dating in our 20s is maybe lowerstakes, especially early in our 20s because we have a lot of time to find the one and to explore and to get your heart broken andwhatever, whatever that maybe, but really don't compromise on this onefactor.
If you're going to be in a long term committed relationship withsomebody, maybe youwon't, but if you're goingto, they better think that you are fantastic and they better be in yourcorner, everything that youdo,especially, especially during such a formative decade for your identity and in which we are growing our own selfworth, we want to build the skills and the community to succeed in whatever it is we'redoing.
So quick recap of our red flags sofar.
Numberone, if they hold you back from having importantexperiences, redflag, if they're creating emotionalchaos, redflag, andfinally, if they don't celebrate or encourageyou, huge redflag.
We have two final points to talk abouttoday, the red flags with the relationships that we have in our20s.
And we're going to return to those plus afew, maybe bonussigns, bonus flags after this shortbreak.
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Our first time using something normally forms a lifelong impression even if psychology says that impression is not alwayscorrect.
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So a story about this the other day I had three of my closest girlfriends and my boyfriend over for dinner and we had this bottle we decided we wanted to try itout.
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However, you want to think about your 20s whether this is a time to get serious about your future or a time for freedom and the ability to make mistakes and chase emotional highs and maybelows.
I think that something we can all agree is that they are not to be rushed and that taking time to know yourself and to know somebody else when you're dating and in a relationship before making huge decisions about your future is reallyimportant.
I don't think that's a controversial thing tosay.
So my fourth red flag for thisepisode, if the other person wants an all or nothing relationship and wants it right away or just wants a relationship for the sake of a relationship so as pushingtimelines, redflag, getout.
Sometimes I think people like the idea of love more than the person that they think they are in lovewith.
To them a relationship is like a check box right something that needs to be achieved in order to feel good about ourselves and to move on to the next life chapter or the next life stage just feels secure to be in a relationship and to belike,okay,yeah, got that all tieddown.
These are unfortunately the people toavoid.
Those who see their relationship with you is no more than a commitment to maybe what the world expects ofthem, what they think they should be doing in their 20s where the world expects them to be by a certainage.
In love livingtogether, cutdog,hormone, or by the age of30.
And so they rushit, they rush it without respecting the need to get to know each other or the value of a slow burn or a slowman.
But some people that is the path that they choose totake.
So I don't necessarily think this is a red flag if you're on the same page about the pace of yourrelationship,right?
Like if you're both in mutual agreement oflike,yes, we are in love and obsessed with each other andlike, let's movein.
Youknow, I can't say if that's a mistake or not because it's up to you and if you're both feeling thatway, that'sgreat, but I think you need to let that happen organically and when it feelsright, rather than feel like you're being rushed intosomething, rather than feeling like the commitment is happening faster than the getting to no usestage.
So if this person is coming into therelationship, wanting everything all atonce, I think there is probably some deeper psychological or subconscious motivation that is happeningthere.
And maybe they don't even know ityet, maybe it does have to do with their attachmentstyle, maybe it does have to do with past relationship ortrauma, but it definitely needs furtherexploring.
Here's why I think that this is a warning sign in myeyes.
Why it qualifies as a redflag?
Firstly, it comes off as being very similar to lovebombing.
Love bombing if you haven't listened to the episode that we did on this a little whileback.
It basically involves huge grand gestures and over the top displays of love and affection as an artificial way to speed up the relationship timeline and to really hook a line and sink of you to really get youattached, youknow, saying that they love you after datetoo, moving in after date for that kind ofthing.
And sometimes that promise of exclusivity and commitment can be really nice if you've been let down by a few duds or people who never give you what youwant, but it can also be an indication of someone who was just addicted to the intensity of a relationship in those early days or who's trying to manipulate and control the situation or who is actually quite emotionallyimmature, has an anxious attachmentstyle.
So they're trying to lock you downASAP.
It's just something to be awareof.
When we are in thesesituations, we sometimes lose who weare.
It can become verycontrolling, it can disconnect you and I think it doesn't leave much space for you to actually think through what you mightwant, not just from a relationship in your20s, but what you might want from yourfuture.
So the other red flag or the other worry that this red flag alerts me to is this kind of relationship that really burns way too bright and the relationships that burn very bright burn veryquickly.
And we get very wrapped up in the promise and the extremes and that can come crashing down and I think if you have built everything around being with thisperson, if everything has just happened soquickly, it can be incredibly disruptive and shocking when suddenly that isover.
So it's okay to just pause and slowdown.
Youknow, if they are theone, you will spend the rest of your lifetogether.
Youknow, if they are theone, don't worry about rushingit.
The future is always going to bethere.
And if they cannot take no for ananswer, if they cannot respect yourtimeline, I would say getout.
Youknow, I get it in our 30s or our 40s when some of those milestones have a bit more of a crunchperiod.
Maybe we are better able to understand what wewant.
I get maybe the timelines being a bit moreaccelerated, but not now20s.
Not now20s.Okay. I'll final a red flag fortoday, numberfive, you just feel like different people and from thebeginning, you want them to change something fundamental or crucial aboutthemselves.
Now this isn't a red flag in that it doesn't necessarily indicate that the other person is going to ruin yourlife.
It's more of an orange flag that this relationship and this person isn't right for you and ignoring that for toolong, investing more and more time and energy into trying to make it work into quoteunquote, fixing all these huge gaps in your personalities and your interests and your values is eventually going to lead you nowhere and it may even lead to someregrets.
Think about it in thisway.
You wouldn't want to be with somebody who had this small seed in the back of their heads at all time that they wanted to alter something aboutyou.
So I do think that it's a bit unfairto, it's unfair to everybody to pursue a relationship with somebody who is always going to createfriction.
There's always going to be a friction between what you expect from them and what they're actually able togive.
Obviously, I think different isgood.
Different is newperspectives.
Different is newplaces, newbeliefs, newopinions, newmemories.
And youknow, if both of you want to keep it casual and you want to learn from eachother, go forit, but when it comes to like a seriousrelationship, like an I'm all in foryou, you're all in for me kind ofrelationship.
If there is a fundamental difference that feels like thisbrews, a brews on yourpartnership, a brews on your connection that never goes away and that youkeep, youknow, pushing and prodding and it keeps stinging and flaring up and you just can never resolveit.
Maybe they're not the one and maybe you were better off being single for a littlebit.
I know that might be something that's hard tohear.
In those situations when you are unsure and perhaps ignoring a real emotional and deeper psychological signal or clue from within that you need to moveon, I do have a very deep belief if you can't already tell that we are better offalone.
99% of the time during our 20s with99% of the people that we comeacross.
If we were given the option to stay single or to be in arelationship, you should stay single because anything a relationship can giveyou, you can give those toyourself, those same things plus even greater realizations and an even greater dedication to your growth and to your identity and to your friends and to yourgoals.
So the only person that I think worth not so much in losing but the only person worth switching from single to being in a relationship and perhaps losing out on some of thosethings, the only person that it's worth doing that for is somebody who is pretty dang good and somebody who you are not100% sure of because I don't think you can ever be100%sure.
But who you are like really fascinated by and who is obviously providing you with a really safe and comfortable foundation to grow and who you aren't spending time wanting tochange, youknow, who aren't just in a relationship with for the sake of being in arelationship.
If you are two tothree, six months in and you're waiting for them to shift orchange, I just don't think that that will everhappen.
And there was a study done by business inside a last year which said of all the reasons people break up that don't have to do with ghastly things like cheating or badbehaviors, the number one culprit is that they ignored the incompatibilities earlyon.
You want kids they never wantedthem.
You were aworkaholic, they wanted to slow a lot oflife, youknow.
He was really into drinking and partying and that just wasn't who youwere.
It's an incompatibility that is the orangeflag.
Youknow, two trulynice, lovely people can be in a relationship together and it could just not work out because they don't mesh in what they need from each other and they're kind of playing a tug ofwar.
Are you going to change or amI?
Who's going to shifthere?
That's what a really amazingdoctor,Dr.
Susan South from PoeterUniversity.
She had to say aboutthat.
She called it a tug ofwar, a tug of war between two people who want to be themselves in a relationship but perhaps acknowledge that they might have to give up something they really care about to be with this person and questioning whether that's worthit.
I don't think that itis.
Relationships take up so much time and they're aninvestment.
Soplease, please do not think this valuable energy and space that you have in your life right now to something that doesn't feelright.
Actually during this period in our lives when there are so many situations and events andemotions, even the hard ones that we would get the privilege to experience solo and that we could really growthrough.
So I want to include some final lightning round red flags that are perhaps a bit more obvious for relationships in our20s.
Obviously there are some that are crucial no matterwhat.
I think I said them before but just to clear itup, youknow,narcissism, abusivebehavior,lying, all those things that we would typically thinkof, they are forevery, everydecade.
But in our20s, I think a lack of personal boundaries and not wanting to spend time apart that is a huge redflag.
Make sure that you get the chance to be a free birdsometimes.
Youknow, you don't get these yearsback.
I think it's very similar to the first redflag.
You still want to beyourself.
You still want to have things that are separate fromthem.
I think it's reallyvaluable.
If they are extremely jealous and possessive that is gross at anyage, getout.
If they are financially irresponsible and they go on to lie about it or they want your help run for thehills, run for thehills.
Youknow, sometimes people just aren't the best withmoney.
Perhaps they didn't have the greatest financialliteracy.
That is not the same as being financially irresponsible and beingcompletely, what's theword?
It's completely dangerous about it or completely destructive about it and getting somebody that you care aboutinvolved.
Youknow, I think they can recognize it as a problem and hopefully fixit.
And I think the final thing to just rememberis, are you on the same page about what you actuallywant?
It doesn't matter how you choose to date in your20s, whether you like casualdating, whether you like committeddating, whether you likepolyamory, whether you like justsects.
It doesn'tmatter. It's all up toyou, but just rememberrespect,communication, honesty andsincerity.
But also that the other person is gentle and is justkind.
That is amust. That is an absolutemust.
So thank you so much for listening to today'sepisode.
As we ran through some of the redflags, there may not have been some that you would think should make thislist.
Maybe I didn't include some that you thought were quiteobvious.
So if you have some additionalcontributions, please feel free to DM me at that psychologypodcast.
And I'll share them on my Instagram because I feel like the more the merrier if there is something that you have learnt from your experience dating in your20s, whether that was committed oruncommitted, I would love to hear from you and make sure that you are following along with whatever you are listening rightnow,Spotify, Applepodcasts, wherever itis, make sure you know miss anotherepisode.
And if you did enjoy thisepisode, feel free to share it with a friend or leave a five-starreview.
And asalways, until nexttime, staysafe, be kind and of course be gentle with yourself and look out for these red flags for your ownsake.
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