Someone touched my board.
Oh, God, my board.
Leonard?
Leonard!
Hey, what's the matter?
My equations.
Someone's tampered with my equations.
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics.
The sign's been changed.
Oh, yeah.
But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having?
Are you insane?
Are you out of your mind?
Hey, look, that fixes the problem I've been having.
You're welcome.
You did this?
Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it and now you can show that corks are asymptotically free at high energies.
Pretty cool, huh?
Cool?
Cool?
Listen, I gotta get to the lab.
Thanks for a great night.
Thank you.
I'll see you at work.
Hold on.
Hold on.
What?
Who told you you could touch my board?
No one.
Yeah, I don't come into your house and touch your board.
There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Oh, that is so, so...
I'm sorry, I gotta run.
If you come up with an adjective, text me.
Inconsiderate.
That is the adjective.
Inconsiderate.
You're listening to NPR's Science Friday.
Joining us today by phone from his office in Pasadena, California, is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Uh-oh, this is gonna be a riot.
Thanks for being with us today, Dr. Cooper.
My pleasure, Ira.
Now let's talk about magnetic monopoles.
Can you explain to our audience just what a monopole is?
Of course.
First consider an ordinary magnet which has, as even the most uneducated in your audience must know, two poles.
A north and south pole.
If you cut that in half, you have two smaller magnets, each with its own north and south pole.
Uh, Dr. Cooper, I think there might be something wrong with our connection.
No, I hear you fine.
As I was saying, an ordinary magnet has two poles.
The primary characteristic of a monopole is that it has only one pole, hence monopole.
All right, let's keep it simple.
How about darts?
No, that's not fair either.
Why not?
Darts is a bar game.
You've been frequenting drinking establishments since you were of legal age.
Yeah, that's when it started.
57, 58, 59.
That's one minute.
Long division.
Long division.
Go, go, go.
Remember, show your work.
I'm okay.
I'm okay.
I'm not okay.
Get up.
We can't lose in math.
37!
Yes!
Can you identify our cricket?
Of course I can.
I can identify every insect and arachnid on the planet.
Not that that's going to keep me from having to move in with my daughter in Oxnard.
And we're not talking Oxnard at the beach.
No, we're talking Oxnard in the onion fields.
Well, could you look at Toby?
Stupid name for a cricket.
Told you.
It's a field cricket.
Yes!
Wait, Dr. Crawley, are you sure?
Young man, I've been studying insects since I was eight years old.
You know what they used to call me in school?
Creepy Crawley.
Cruel as that may be, that is not in itself a credential.
Let me show you something.
See that?
That's a Crawley's dung beetle.
I discovered it after spending six months slogging through the Bornean rainforests while my wife was back home shacking up with a two-bit ornithologist who lives on a sailboat and likes to wear boot cut jeans.
So when I tell you that that's a common field cricket, you can take that to the damn bank, because God knows I can't.
That tramp took me for everything.
Well, apparently I was wrong.
Solve the equation.
Holy crap.
What the hell is that?
It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.
Or I think.
Leslie?
Leonard, it's not gonna work if you rush me.
You have to let me get there.
You are never going to let that go, are you?
Ten seconds.
He doesn't have it.
He's got squat.
AA, I need your answer.
The answer is minus eight pi alpha.
Hang on, hang on a second.
That's not our answer.
What are you doing?
Answering question.
Winning physics bowl.
How do you know anything about physics?
Here I am janitor in former Soviet Union.
I am physicist.
Leningrad Polytechnica.
Go polar bears.
Well, that's a delightful little story, but our arrangement was that you sit here and not say anything.
I answer the questions.
You didn't answer a question.
Hey, look!
Now maybe you have democracy now in your beloved Russia.
But on this physics bowl team I rule with an iron fist.
Ow!
A.A., I need your official answer.
Well, it's not what he said.
Then what is it?
I want a different question.
You can't have a different question.
Formal protest.
Denied.
Informal protest.
Denied.
I need your official answer.
No, I declined to provide one.
Well, that's too bad because the answer your teammate gave was correct.
That's your opinion?
All right, the winner of the match is... Hang on.
Sheldon is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else.
So important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team.
I don't understand the question.
What are you doing?
I am settling once and for all who is the smartest around here.
Okay?
Are you ready?
Absolutely.
Bring it on.
Okay.
Marsha, Jan, and Cindy were the three daughters in what TV family?
The Brady Bunch.
Okay.
Sammy Hagar replaced David Lee Roth as the lead singer.
In what group?
Brady bunch van halen, all right, madonna was married to this ridgemont high alum.
Oh my god, sean penn, how do you know these things?
I go outside and i talk to people.
Okay here, what actor holds the record for being named people magazine's sexiest man alive?
William shatner?
I don't think it's Shatner.
Then it's gotta be Patrick Stewart.
No.
Formal protest.
All right, singer who sang Oops, I Did It Again?
Oh, isn't this nice?
What is it?
You know, it's one of those Nope, doesn't do that.
Oh, maybe it's candy.
Lick it.
I don't want to lick it.
You lick it.
I'm not going to lick it.
I just brush my teeth.
Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows?
None of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb.
Sheldon.
OK, Westworld.
But this has nothing to do with that show, other than it's also inexplicable.
Well, Leonard and Penny are our best friends.
They know us better than anyone.
They said it's the perfect gift.
We must be missing something.
You don't think it's a marital aid, do you?
Would y'all be silly?
Amy, how is this big glass shaft going to aid our marriage?
Hey.
I just wanted to pop over and hand deliver this thank you note for your very thoughtful wedding gift.
Oh, good.
You guys liked it?
Yeah, well, we liked it a lot more than things that aren't it, I'll tell you that.
Well, you know, that's great because when we saw it we thought Amy and Sheldon just have to have that.
Oh, do tell.
Now paint a picture for me, like where you were when you found it and what you thought we'd enjoy doing with it.
Do you not know what it is?
Of course he knows what it is.
Smartest man in the world.
I don't know about the world.
Some of those Chinese fellas are pretty clever.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to return home and use your gift in the manner which it was intended.
He's never going to figure it out.
What are you?
Gosh, this makes me happy.
What's with all the yelling?
Leonard disproved my element.
Now all the attention is going to go away.
Oh, that's great.
You must be thrilled.
That's it.
I'm down to seven friends.
He's counting hobbits and superheroes, right?
When I thought the element was real, I didn't want it.
But now that Leonard made it not exist, I want it more than anything in the world.
The element never existed.
I didn't take it away.
Science took it away.
Be mad at science.
Don't you dare use science against me.
Science is my best friend.
Oh, good.
I'm back up to eight.
Will you tell him he's out of his mind?
Actually, I get what he's saying.
Yes!
Nine!
Welcome back, buddy.
It's like if you're dating someone you're not that into and then they break up with you, and then you want them more than ever.
I have no idea what she's talking about, but we're ganging up on you, so I agree.
Okay, Sheldon, what do you want me to do?
Hide the information?
If I don't publish it, it's just a matter of time before someone else does.
No, no, of course you have to publish.
That's your responsibility as a scientist.
Doing otherwise would be unethical.
You have no choice.
Fine, I'll publish.
Can you believe this guy?
One, two, three.
Go!
Bird in the apartment!
Bird in the apartment!
No!
Hello.
Hello.
I see you are dressed as Doc Brown from Back to the Future.
May I assume that Amy is going as his wife, Clara Clayton, from Back to the Future Part III?
She is.
Did you do something different to your hair?
Yes.
Looking good.
It's Stephen Hawking.
Answer it.
I want to hear.
Professor Hawking, how nice of you to call.
Hello.
I really enjoyed our game, Dr. Cooper.
Oh, me too.
Or should I say Dr. Loser?
Ha ha ha.
Yes, congratulations.
You won fair and square.
Very impressive, sir.
Do you like brain teasers?
Oh, I love brain teasers.
What does Sheldon Cooper and a black hole have in common?
They both suck.
Neater, neater.
Well, then, first things first.
Are you familiar with the brachistochrone problem?
I am.
Good.
And how it relates to the calculus of variations?
It's an inverted cycloid.
Wonderful.
Now, what about Euler-Lagrange theorems?
That's where I'm a little fuzzy.
Ha!
I knew it!
All right.
We have a lot of information to cover before your first test which, by the way, is in eight minutes.
The good news is I'm grading on a curve, so you're pretty much guaranteed a C. What are you doing?
What are you doing?
If you're gonna be a crappy teacher, then I'm gonna be a crappy student.
Uh, uh, ludicrous going in on the verse because I've never been defeated and I won't stop now.
Yeah, but now stop it!
This is a classroom.
This is not American Bandstand.
Okay.
Now where was I?
Let's see.
Oh yes, over here.
What are you doing now?
Making a straw.
Why?
So I can shoot you with a spitball.
You're not going to do that and I'll tell you why.
This is an institution of higher learning.
I am your professor, and you're going to treat me with the proper... You shot your spit in my mouth!
Is that going to be on the test because I don't think I can do that again?
Spending time with Michael and Hallie today really made me think about our future children.
Huh.
What an interesting and completely unforeseen development.
What are you thinking?
Well, I just can't decide.
Either five sets of triplets or three sets of quintuplets.
You know what?
It doesn't matter as long as they're healthy.
And divisible by three.
That's a lot of babies, Sheldon.
Oh, only for humans.
For frogs, it's just a drop in the bucket.
Well, I'm sorry I'm not a frog.
Oh, don't feel bad, Amy.
You're good enough for me.
That is a bracing cold.
An invigorating cold.
Lord, is it cold!
Uh, help you with your bag, sir?
Oh, thank you, fellow Bosite.
May I say you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
Wait!
Wait!
Excuse me!
One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
That's your card, right?
Seven of clubs!
That is amazing!
It's not amazing.
Oh, really?
So, how did I do it?
I don't care how you did it.
I have more important things to think about.
Clearly, the cards are marked.
I thought you had more important things to think about.
I do.
You just happen to have caught me on a break.
Let me see those cards.
Big deal.
Not knowing is part of the fun.
Not knowing is part of the fun.
Was that the motto of your community college?
And was your card the Jack of Diamonds?
Unbelievable.
Know how he did it yet?
Um... Aw, he has the same look my little nephew gets when he can't figure out how I got his nose.
This is my desk.
These are my books.
This is my door.
Please close it behind you.
Goodbye.
Looks like you're doing work in Quantum Loop Corrections.
Keen observation.
Goodbye.
You see where he went wrong, don't you?
Leonard?
Yeah?
Get him out.
Come on, Dennis.
I'll show you the rec center.
They've got Nautilus equipment.
Do I look like I lift weights?
Not heavy ones.
It's startling to me you haven't considered a Lorenz and Varian or field theory approach.
You think I haven't considered it?
You really think I haven't considered it?
Have you considered it?
Get him out, Leonard.
Come on.
I'll show you the radiation lab.
Wow.
You won the Stevenson Award?
Yes.
In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Really?
How old?
Fourteen and a half.
You were the youngest person ever to win it.
It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?
If I'm wrong, prove it.
Okay.
Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
You've misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Let me finish defacing my work.
I'm not defacing it.
I'm fixing it.
Give me the eraser.
No.
I said give it to me.
Come and get it.
Fine.
Dr. Kuntrapalli is your superior.
I forbid you from riding on my board.
You are not my superior.
I am in every way.
Oh, yeah?
Can you do this?
Nice working with you.
I'm sorry.
For you.
Thank you for watching it.
It's one of my all-time favorites.
It was very entertaining, despite the glaring story problem.
Story problem?
Oh.
What a dewy-eyed moon calf you are.
Raiders of the Lost Ark is the love child of Steven Spielberg and George Lucas, two of the most gifted filmmakers of our generation.
I've watched it 36 times, except for the snake scene and the face-melting scene, which I can only watch when it's still light out.
I defy you to find a story problem.
Here's my jaw.
Drop it.
All right.
Indiana Jones plays no role in the outcome of the story.
If he weren't in the film, it would turn out exactly the same.
I see your confusion.
You don't understand.
Indiana Jones was the one in the hat with the whip.
No, I do.
And if he weren't in the movie, the Nazis would have still found the Ark, taken it to the island, opened it up and all died, just like they did.
Let me close that for you.
Oh.
Hello.
Time to do your laundry, huh?
It's Saturday night.
Saturday is laundry night.
I know.
Every Saturday at 8.15.
Easy to anticipate.
What are you implying?
I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.
And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 815, you might find it unpleasant.
Knuckle under my ass.
Oh, no.
Are all the machines taken?
What are you gonna do?
No problem.
I'll just do my laundry another night.
Another night?
Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Yeah, well, your ken can kiss my Barbie.
