Hey, hey, I just found a farm where they let you chop down your own tree.
Oh, cool.
I'll be like a pointy-eared Paul Bunyan.
Stupid idea.
No, what's stupid is a physicist who doesn't understand when you swing an axe, you don't let go.
For the tenth time.
My mittens were slippery.
It's 70 degrees.
You didn't need mittens.
You know how easily I blister.
Yes, yes, you bruise, you peel.
It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.
Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night, or we could stop and try to salvage the evening.
Fine.
Thank you.
Leonard?
Yeah?
There's something on the windshield.
You need a break?
You do not need a break.
There's no shame in asking for a break.
If I need a break, I'll ask for a break.
Leonard?
Yeah?
There's a tree on you.
You want to decorate it tonight?
Yeah, with gasoline and a match?
Sure.
I hope he kills us both.
Give us the precious.
Give it to me!
Get off of me!
Give me the ring!
It's mine!
Gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Give me the ring!
Is that the Fourier transform extends to minus infinity in time.
Hey, don't dumb this down for me.
Penny, I'm late for that thing.
See you.
Leonard!
Oh, Sheldon.
Didn't see you there.
What's up?
Well, he was excited to talk science with Amy, but she was working late, so he decided to come over and share it with me.
With me, Leonard.
Sheldon, we've talked about this.
You can't go around boring other people's wives.
Yeah.
I already got a man for that.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
It's just I've been enjoying my collaboration with Amy.
But ever since we got back from our honeymoon, she has so little time.
She does have her own job.
Yeah, but it's so dull.
Trying to understand how the brain translates the five senses into biochemical information.
I'd rather wait in line without my phone.
Okay, well, Leonard's here now.
You can talk science with him.
Where are you going?
That thing you were late for, one of us should really be there.
You try too hard.
Look at me.
What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
Well, you'd have a terrific chance.
I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you have a cool job.
You build stuff that goes into outer space.
I guess.
No look, I'm telling you.
I've known you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person.
And you know what?
I like him.
He's a nice guy.
You really think so?
Yes.
I don't know.
No, I do.
Nobody touches food on my plate.
All right, look, I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
What?
You have two strikes.
Three strikes and you're out.
It's a sports metaphor.
A sports metaphor?
Yes, baseball.
All right, yeah, I'll play along.
What was my first strike?
March 18th.
You violated my rule about forwarding email humor.
I did?
I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me.
Internet banality strike one.
Touching my food, strike two.
Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
Oh, come on.
I touched one onion ring.
And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?
Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a permanent member of our social group, I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
Congratulations.
You're officially one of us.
One of us.
One of us.
Well, what a thrill.
You're sitting in my spot.
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Leonard, she's in my spot.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't care.
I'm taking a stand.
All right.
That's it.
Strike three.
Ooh, strike three.
I'm banished?
What the hell kind of crap is that?
Don't worry, I'll talk to him.
Yeah, you do that.
Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class?
Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching.
We should finalize our plans.
What, that's a real thing?
What is it, Star Wars Christmas?
No, don't be ridiculous.
That's Wookiee Life Day.
So, when is it?
Well, it's not May the 5th, and it's not May the 3rd.
It's May the 4th.
Get it?
May the fourth be with you.
May the fourth be with you.
Get it?
Oh no, this face wasn't because I didn't get it.
I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Oh, my God.
Now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Oh, a pocket watch.
Okay, I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch.
No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
Still saying stupid stuff.
Ooh, she like bracelets?
Well, she's very fond of her silver one that says allergic to penicillin.
Maybe they have a dressier version of that.
Well, how are we doing this afternoon?
Are we looking for anything special?
Perhaps a ring for the lady?
Trust me, we are not a couple.
Excuse me?
I don't see why you get to snort derisively and point that out.
You'd be lucky to land a fellow like me.
Fine, go ahead.
Trust me, we are not a couple.
Do you go on many dates?
I wouldn't say many.
A few.
What's... Your characterization of approximately 171 different men is a few.
Where did you get 171 men?
Simple extrapolation.
In the three years that I've known you, you were single for two.
During that time, I saw 17 different suitors.
If we work backwards, correcting for observation bias, and postulate an initial dating age of 15?
Whoa wait wait, wait.
I did not start dating at 15.
I'm sorry, 16?
14.
My mistake.
Now assuming the left side of a bell curve peeking around the present, that would bring the total up to 193 men.
Plus or minus eight men.
Remarkable.
Did you have sexual intercourse with all of these men?
No.
Although that number would be fairly easy to calculate, based on the number of awkward encounters I've had with strange men leaving her apartment in the morning, plus the number of times she's returned home wearing the same clothes she wore the night before.
Okay, Sheldon, I think you've made your point.
So we multiply 193 minus 21 men before the loss of virginity.
So 172 times .18 gives us 30.96 sexual partners.
Let's round that up to 31.
Okay, Sheldon, you are so wrong.
That is not even close to the real number.
I'm gonna need a drink over here.
How's your work going, Penny?
Any acting jobs?
Well, the last big thing I did was this production of Diary of Anne Frank above a bowling alley.
But I think things might be turning around pretty soon.
Great.
How come?
Well, promise you won't make fun of me?
Of course.
I would never make fun of you.
Okay.
Well, I went to this psychic who told me that if I cut my hair, I'm gonna get a national commercial.
Wait, seriously?
You're getting career advice from a psychic?
Good job not making fun of her.
She's not one of those phonies, okay?
She wrote a book and has her own website.
Oh, gee, why didn't you say so?
They don't just let anyone have a website.
Why are you being such a jerk?
You're surprised your psychic didn't tell you I was going to be a jerk?
Bite me.
Come on, Penny.
Why don't you kids go ahead and chat?
We're gonna make out back here.
I'm sliding into third.
Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.
A young woman alone in the big city.
Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Then it hits her.
How is she going to survive?
But she has no prospects, no marketable skills.
And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Hang on.
Let's see where he's going.
She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, is it?
Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Okay, you know what?
I've already mooched dinner off you guys.
I don't need to listen to this.
Do friendship.
Would you booze hounds please stop that infernal clinking?
And the answer was elephant.
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Okay, look, this never happened.
Do you understand me?
Really?
Still can't talk to me?
What about your pedometer?
Don't have one.
Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Uh, no.
What do you do?
You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?
No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
Why are you doing that?
It's good to stretch your muscles before you run.
All right.
All right, let's start with a toe touch.
Okay, you do it.
I am doing it.
Oh, wow.
Good job.
Okay, um, can you do this?
We'll never know.
Okay, let's just warm up on the run.
Okay.
Okay, let's go.
I've been reading up on biomechanics.
I think you'll be surprised at my... Ah!
Oh, my God, are you okay?
I think so.
Let me help you up.
Thank you.
Oh, Sheldon!
If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.
Okay, first of all, what you call a gap was nearly three feet wide.
I slipped and skinned my knee.
Are you okay?
Second of all, the door to the stairwell of the other building was locked, so I had to go down the fire escape which ends on the third floor, forcing me to crawl through the window of a lovely Armenian family who insisted I stay for lunch.
That doesn't sound too bad.
It was eight courses of lamb, and they tried to fix me up with their son.
Not done.
By the time I finally got to work, they'd given my shift away.
Yeah, that's right.
I've lost an entire day's pay thanks to this.
This... Time machine.
The light's flashing the dish bins.
You want to try it?
No!
I don't want to try it!
My God, you are grown men!
How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books?
And now that!
That!
Again, time machines.
Oh, please, it's not a time machine.
If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
It's the last dumpling.
Oh, me.
Here's a penny.
A moment.
We just had Thai food.
In that culture, the last morsel is called the Grangai piece.
And it is reserved for the most important and valued member of the group.
Thank you all for this high honor.
I've seen pictures of your mother.
Keep eating.
Where the hell's the coin?
Wasn't the answer shell and spot?
Oh, yes, Leonard.
Yes, it was.
Where's the coin?
Yes, exactly.
Where is the coin?
Why don't you look in your pockets?
I slipped them in there earlier today.
I don't get it.
Don't you see?
When we're all having fun together, we're already winners.
Oh, look.
See?
Even I'm a winner.
Are you kidding me?
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You suck.
So hot.
Here are some topics that interest me.
Quantum mechanics, trains, flags.
No, no, it's about my acting career.
Oh, I'm sorry, that's not on the list.
Oh, how about we split the difference and discuss why Austria was an arch duchy and not just a regular duchy?
Okay, look, here's the thing.
I like pharmaceutical sales.
It's going great, but I have an audition for a movie, and if I get it, it could screw everything up.
Hmm.
I know exactly what you should do.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you.
Why?
I'm attempting to turn over a new leaf.
Earlier today it was pointed out to me that I tend to force my ideas on people.
You're really not going to tell me?
Nope.
That train has left the station.
Now, we can play this one of two ways.
You can say, trains, tell me more.
Or you can just look at me like that and I'll start.
How often would you pretend to like things just to have sex with me?
All the time.
You're kidding.
Does this sound familiar?
I'd love to go shoe shopping with you.
Hiking?
It's great.
It's 2 a.m.
Of course I want to go to Koreatown and sing karaoke with your friends.
Who wouldn't?
Okay, we were going out.
You were going to get sex anyway.
Really?
You would have slept with me after a three-hour documentary on dams?
No, no woman would.
See, now that's the great thing.
We're out as friends.
This is not a date.
Sex is off the table.
So let's go learn why hydroelectric power might not be the environmental bargain you think it is.
Sorry, spoiler alert.
All right, fine.
Thanks.
Tickets are 11 bucks.
Not a date.
And hold three, two, one.
Very good.
Now let's try warrior two.
And hold.
I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Oh, well, I don't think we're gonna get to do that today.
Too bad.
Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.
Hey, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.
Oh, thanks.
I thought I had more.
Damn, you've got more makeup than I do.
You've got better makeup than I do.
Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
Hey, hey, hey.
This is my Comic-Con makeup.
I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.
That's a wise policy.
I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest.
Got a terrible case of pink eye.
Yeah, but luckily, I was going as a zombie.
I won second place.
I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
That was San Diego Comic-Con.
This is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Is that better?
It's a lot smaller.
It's more about the comic books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
So to answer your question, no, it's not better.
Well, then why are you going?
It's a comic book convention.
It's like pizza or particle accelerators.
Even the stinky one's still pretty good.
All right, well, you guys have fun.
I guess I'll see you Sunday night.
Yeah.
Oh, hang on a second.
Hold this.
What was that for?
To show people when they don't believe me.
