I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed I can do this.
It's not so hard.
I don't know what Shanice is always bitching about.
Guess that's who she is.
I can't believe I still haven't slept.
I'm gonna be awake forever.
It's gonna be like that movie, Awakenings, but not at all.
Max, you can rub me.
Wow, that wig changed you.
No, here, rub the edge on the bottom of my jammie top like it's your pillowcase.
No, if I rub the bottom of your jammies, that would be my bottom.
Turkey Club Cutie didn't ask me out, probably because my hair was so messed up from the wig.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It could have been your personality, too.
You really think he only liked you for your hair?
I only like me for my hair.
Goldie, you're attached to it.
So attached to it.
Twirling it, tossing it, flipping it, feeling it on my neck, on my shoulders, on my back.
Caroline Channing without the option of a sleek updo is not Caroline Channing.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I judged you for having an attachment to something when I'm no better.
And I'm sorry I got rid of your sweet sheets.
Max.
Max?
Night, Max.
Why can't I ever have anything nice?
Here's some blankets for you, Max and Dick.
You can take the couch.
Caroline and I will take the bed.
Once again, our apologies.
We are just too drunk to go.
Too drunk.
You did share that one glass of wine.
Yep, we are too drunk.
So, too drunk to walk?
I don't know.
You be the judge.
I am so sorry about this.
It's fine, Caroline.
I know what's going on here.
Oh Nicholas, before you go, I just wanted to say thanks again for the drinks, the dinner, the dessert, my pillow and Deke's pillow.
We get it, Grandma.
Good night.
We'll be right over there.
And I'll be right over here.
Good night.
Sleep tight.
Don't let the bed bugs have sex with you.
Uh, you and I are going to do it, right?
Oh, yeah.
I think I took my pill this morning.
Either that or I didn't take my pill.
Wow, Max, this is a big step that you may or may not have taken today.
You know, if it's too much trouble, we don't have to go off condoms.
So you're the one guy in the world who wants to still wear a condom?
Do you have something?
No, it's not like that.
I'm just saying the pill is a big commitment.
Oh, so do you not want to take this step?
Because I already went to Planned Parenthood, and I never plan anything.
Max, I guess I'm just surprised.
Hold that thought.
I hear nothing.
So?
So?
That's what Caroline sounds like during sex.
Keep talking like I'm here.
Uh...
Oh, yeah, baby, right there.
That's the spot.
Yeah, and I'll slap my face with him.
If you were still here, that's what I'd be saying.
Sorry, I'll switch it up.
Uh, go fish, Max.
Max, what are you doing?
What are you doing?
We're fine.
We're just lying here talking.
No, we're not.
I'm really turned on.
Why?
What's he doing to you?
It's not him.
It's me.
I'm the predator here.
You were right.
You better stop me.
Get up here with us.
I'm not getting in bed with you.
Max, just get in the bed.
I know Jacques Bloch when I see one.
I am so sorry.
This is silly.
I know it must be hard for you.
Uh, not anymore.
No.
Max, are you mad?
Yes.
Are you up and mad?
No and yes.
Oh, your bed's so soft.
That's my boob.
I know I moved out, but I came back.
I took the rest of our dead dream money and bought some cocktails for myself and some people and myself.
Bring me back any of those, because I can't listen to this sober.
Max, I have nothing.
I really need the cupcake business.
I can be different.
No, you can't.
No, I can't.
But I can be better.
Please.
Please, let's do this.
I know you have a fair success.
You do?
Because no one ever believed in your dreams.
I believe in your dreams.
We have a dream.
God, you are so drunk.
So you probably won't even remember this.
I'm sorry I said that stuff about your father.
Did you hear me?
Max, are you up?
Hey, do you have any more of those poor people chips?
What is happening out here?
That's the kind of pounding that's supposed to happen after you're in the bed.
I can't do it.
I tried.
I really did.
But I can't.
I guess I can't do anything without my father's money.
You were right.
Trying is embarrassing.
So I'm not going to try anymore.
I'm sick of it.
I'm going to sleep on that horrible couch and get bad tits and cry every waitress day for the rest of my life.
Daddy, please.
God, you're a baby.
Okay, I'll help you.
This one time only.
And we're not going to bond when we do it.
We're not going to high five when we finish.
And I don't want to hear two months from now, hey, remember that night we built the Murphy bed?
That was awesome.
None of that.
You got it?
You need the power drill, quarter inch bits, some masonry screws, and a bear claw.
Now, delete eyebrows, type in Murphy bed, and let's build this mother.
I can't believe we did it.
It looks pretty good.
Oh, Max, you put the bakery up on your vision beam.
Say anything more and I'll take it down.
Do you know this number?
That's Peach.
Why would she call you?
It's about the cupcake business.
My number's on the card.
Put on speakerphone.
I found your card in my baby's room.
I have no idea who you are or how it got there, but I'm throwing a birthday party in a week and I thought cupcakes might be fun.
Oh, they are.
People love cupcakes.
They bring a sense of whimsy and nostalgia.
That's enough.
Why don't you tell me some of the other events you've done?
Oh, well, we're a startup company.
Oh, no.
I need a real business.
Bye-bye.
Well, there you go.
Complete waste of our time.
See?
Trying is embarrassing.
No, that was great.
Incredible.
What?
She hung up on you?
Yes, but it proves one thing.
The cards, they worked.
This is so inspiring.
First we build a Murphy bed, next a cupcake business, then Max.
Who knows what else?
Just the springs?
No, that's perfect.
Well, which episode do you want to watch?
Kim gets a new hat?
Or Kylie cries at Coachella?
Chloe gets a bikini wax.
Now that one's a classic.
How many of these do you have DVR'd?
Well, I got 17 on this TV and 53 on the one in the bedroom.
I like to go to sleep with the sound of Kim's voice.
It's so comforting when she says, this is super awkward.
And, you know, sometimes she arches her back when she says it like this.
This is super awkward.
This is super awkward.
You know, I bet you if I stayed in Poland, my sisters and I would have had our own show.
It would have been called Keeping Up with the Kaczynskis.
It's too bad we all didn't live to see 20.
Why?
Get the hell out.
It's morning.
I know.
I know.
But we couldn't stop watching them do nothing.
This show's freaking genius.
Is the blonde one crying?
Chris and Kim are in Vienna and someone stole Chris's Bottega bag and her Chanel clutch with the matching pumps that she bought in Paris.
All right.
I have to go take my morning tinkle.
But when I come back, I want you two to be out of here because I need that swing for my exercises.
Well, this is me.
What do you have to say?
Congratulations, you live in a building?
No, don't be lame.
I don't live in a building.
I live here.
Where?
All I see is a dumpster.
Yeah, it's my apartment.
I converted it and I live inside.
It's totally green.
I mean, it's horrible for the environment, but it's the color green.
Oh, you're not kidding.
You live in a dumpster?
This is usually the part where the girl says she has to be up early tomorrow or call the police.
So do you have to go?
Yeah.
I have to go inside the freaking cool dumpster.
And if you think it's cool now, watch this.
My dumpster's a grower, not a shower.
Holy crap, this is amazing.
You have a sink in here and a stove?
Is it heated here?
Did you teach the rats to shovel coal into the engine?
Yes, but there's also solar panels on the roof. and a microwave and a bathroom right here.
You have a microwave next to your toilet?
You're a genius!
That's the smartest way to eat a burrito.
I think it's everything.
And if you don't like your neighbors, you push your house to a new street.
Or you could just kill them and throw their bodies in here.
Added bonus, no rent, and the Chinese restaurant next door always tosses their garbage on my roof.
Free delivery, yo.
You don't have to tell me.
I read all about this place in Dumpster Living.
I'll take it.
All right, but it comes with a very handsome stuffed animal of a man with hair that gets him followed by security at Macy's.
I'm not just saying this because you live in a dumpster, but I'll take some brown chicken, brown cow right now.
So what was your first time having sex in a dumpster like?
Not like the other times I've had sex in a dumpster.
Next time I'm going to be naked.
Next time I won't be wearing this hat.
I hope you don't mind.
I sleep like this.
Get off me.
So nice to have a live body under me for a change.
Stop refreshing me.
This is really nice.
Yeah.
Yeah, I live all the way over by the diner.
Plus, I gotta pull these boots on.
And I got a horse and a cat.
Possibly a dead roommate, so... Right.
You gotta be up early.
Yeah, but not like that.
It's just like... Where's the door handle?
Is it the coffee pot?
I can't get out.
I'm used to climbing out of these things.
It's right here.
I'm sure you don't want to stay.
Chinese restaurant just delivered.
All right, everyone.
Let the sound of the bowls wash over you, cleansing you from head to toe and everywhere in between.
These bowls got their work cut out for them everyone.
Close your eyes and quiet the mind and receive the healing vibrations.
Sound bathe us, eugene.
When you feel called to join the bowls, begin with a soft hum.
I usually begin with a soft hummer.
How are we gonna get out of this?
Let's just call it what it is, a cold.
I'm not going anywhere until I see what's in those bowls.
I'm hoping for fettuccine.
I hope it's not fettuccine.
Because I really don't like cream-based sauces.
Do you mind?
This is important for Lady Marmalade.
She has fibromyalgia.
Fibromyalgia and seasonal depression?
You really won the dog lottery.
All right, everyone.
You may gently bring your energy back into the room.
Whenever you feel ready.
We gotta get out of here.
What are we gonna do?
We're in the middle of nowhere.
You know what would save the day right now?
Boober.
Caroline, did anything come up for you during the sound bath?
A little bit of the chicken satay, but all good.
Max, how are you?
Were you touched at all?
In high school, I was touched by an angel.
Well, technically his name was Angel.
I know this probably all seems like a lot of hooey, but I assure you you'll wake up feeling refreshed.
And Eugene makes a hell of a pancake breakfast.
He uses ricotta.
We're staying.
I mean, ricotta?
We gotta.
I guess so.
It'll be like staying at a B&B run by Elaine Ron Hubbard.
Good night, everyone.
Rachel has your room assignments.
Caroline, you're sharing a room with me.
Yay.
Max, you're sharing a room with Topher and Lady Marmalade.
Can I ever get a good roommate?
And do not fear.
Before the night is over, each of you will have a chance to make love with me.
And the rest of the satay just came up.
Before the sunrise, our moons will unite.
Oh, I'm guessing her moon's not waxed.
Caroline.
Caroline, wake up.
We're at the beach.
I drove us out to the Hamptons.
Happy birthday!
We're in the Hamptons?
We're in the Hamptons?
How are we in the Hamptons?
How long have I been sleeping?
Three hours, give or take.
You farted twice.
How did I not wake up?
I know, it was pretty bad.
After that last one, I thought we were going through egg town.
Max, you did it again.
You roofied me, didn't you?
Of course I did.
You were crying and babbling about the Hamptons, so I had to put you down.
You promised you wouldn't again.
The last time I was out for two days.
Yeah, I really just needed to get through Game of Thrones without someone talking during the incest.
What is wrong with you?
Have you got a pen and paper?
You knew I didn't want to do this.
You never want to do anything, so I did it for you.
You took a $450,000 car, a car we're not even supposed to be touching, on a joyride to the Hamptons?
You wanted to be here.
You are here.
Just enjoy it.
I can't enjoy it.
Scotty to the bridge.
This is Captain Kirk.
Scotty to the bridge.
You drove over the dunes and onto the beach?
Not intentionally.
I tried to stop it, but this car was like, mm, no, girl.
Oh, my god.
Did it get any scratches?
Max, get out of the car and help me look for scratches.
You said you were more fun in the Hamptons.
Not true.
Mr. Sulu, fire all phasers.
No scratches.
The Lamborghini is fine.
But thanks to you, I'm a rent a wreck.
Come on, we have to get this car back.
We will, geez relax, we still have time.
Look, you said you wanted to be here.
You're here and we are not leaving till you do something beachy like walk in the water or find a half-eaten lady from jaws.
No, no way, let's go.
Just take off your shoes or something.
No, Take off your shoes and feel the sand.
Max!
Max, stop!
I haven't had a proper pedicure since Justin Timberlake released a single.
There.
Now move your foot around.
No.
No!
No!
No!
Oh.
Oh, yeah, that feels nice.
The cold sand between my toes.
But, Max, don't look.
That middle nail's a horror show.
Too late.
Thought it was a pistachio for a second.
Max, how much do you love the beach?
I don't know.
I've never been to one.
You've never been to a beach?
No, what's the point?
I don't own a metal detector.
Well, time's up.
But we just sat down.
I know, but if we leave right now, we'll still have enough time to blow through a McDonald's drive-thru like something from Back to the Future.
Well, I'm gonna write our names in the sand, because it was a really nice thing for you to drug me, kidnap me and steal my car to get me out here.
Hey, we're friends.
All right, I'll just turn this baby around.
Uh-oh.
What's uh-oh?
What is uh-oh?
Are we stuck in the sand?
You have correctly identified the meaning of uh-oh.
I love that we don't need full sentences to communicate anymore.
