looks good on you told you goodbye to see you hooked up with some carrots bugs bunny status like i know you like i uh i don't know if you got my text probably not a great signal in here but your mom might be a little late she's coming though because i know she's dying to see you all right man who am i kidding she's not coming I know that's hard to hear, and trust me, mother's not showing up.
I've been there, but I know wherever she is, she is thinking of you.
Okay, that's not true either.
Here's the thing.
Your mom is a flake, and you got two options.
You can sit around feeling sorry for yourself, or you can say, hey, my mom's not here.
I could watch TV all day and then go kick in a neighbor's window because I feel like it.
Hey, hey, look at me.
The fact that she's not here is not your fault.
It's hers.
There.
I just saved you, like, 14 inappropriate sexual encounters.
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Chestnut.
Hi, baby.
Oh, I missed you.
I missed you so much.
Did you miss me?
So you got all the cake mix?
Yes, plus the $23.
And I got you your Pillsbury as well.
Paid full price.
It killed me.
You are a freak with the coupons.
I know.
I don't know what came over me.
When I found a way to make free money, I forgot about everyone else.
Oh, my God.
Like my father.
Max, I have Ponzi DNA.
Yeah, coupons-y DNA.
Must have been hard learning to do everything on your own.
I mean, I don't know how to do any of that stuff either, but I had a staff of 20.
Yeah, I got stuff at 20.
You know, you may think your secret ingredient is a spoonful of Pillsbury, but it's not.
It's you.
It's everything you've been through that makes you who you are.
Someone who fights for a box of tampons and fights for horses' feelings and even fights for a box of cake mix when a friend in the middle of a cute Ponzi panic asks her to.
This is the part in the Lifetime movie version where I get up to pee.
I don't know who you're kidding.
You watch the entire movie and then you cry.
Listen to her chestnut.
She thinks she has me all figured out.
What she doesn't know is when it comes to the cupcakes, I have another secret, secret ingredient.
Oh, don't tell me it's a pinch of Betty Crocker.
I can't tell you it's a secret ingredient.
Okay, it's chocolate methamphetamine.
No, it's true.
Our slogan should be, they're so good, you'll rob your grandmother.
I gotta say, I'm pretty impressed I can do this.
It's not so hard.
I don't know what Shanice is always bitching about.
I guess that's who she is.
I can't believe I still haven't slept.
I'm gonna be awake forever.
It's gonna be like that movie Awakenings, but not at all.
Max, you can rub me.
Wow, that wig changed you.
No, here, rub the edge on the bottom of my jammie top like it's your pillowcase.
No, if I rub the bottom of your jammies, that would be my bottom.
Turkey Club Cutie didn't ask me out, probably because my hair was so messed up from the wig.
Don't be so hard on yourself.
It could have been your personality, too.
You really think he only liked you for your hair?
I only like me for my hair.
You're attached to it.
So attached to it.
Twirling it, tossing it, flipping it, feeling it on my neck, on my shoulders, on my back.
Caroline Channing without the option of a sleek updo is not Caroline Channing.
And I'm sorry.
I'm sorry I judged you for having an attachment to something when I'm no better.
And I'm sorry I got rid of your sweet sheets.
Max.
Max?
Night, Max.
Why can't I ever have anything nice?
That's what was in the box?
A Teddy Ruxpin doll?
Are you registered at mustybears.com?
Not a doll and not his name.
I had it legally changed to T-Rux.
I used the same lawyer my mom hired to declare me Native American, so she didn't have to pay for parking at the casino.
For six months, I had to answer the phone Max Proudfoot.
You know, in Poland, we didn't have dolls.
Yeah, we just hired little gypsy kids and we carried them around.
Yeah, mine was called Gurgio.
Yeah, and I think I had a little bit of polio.
Hey, didn't those things talk?
They did if you had 4C batteries.
Wait, I think I have some.
Yep, they came with this adorable teddy bear singing cassette.
So of course, I smashed that with a rock and made my own.
You know, my Gurgio didn't talk.
I'm not sure he had a tongue.
But he used to squeeze me really tight.
And then I found out later he was 35.
You had 4C batteries in your nightstand?
From what?
Do you want to hear the bear talk or don't you?
Oh, I'm sorry, girls.
I got to take this.
It's another guy that I'm breaking it off with.
I sure hope Oleg's worth it.
I just dumped a guy with multiple personalities.
Yeah, and he took it okay, and not great, and pretty bad.
There's no note or anything.
This box is really just a well of disappointment.
Why would your mother send you this?
Why would she do anything?
Why would she bite our dog?
Why would she make out with our jack-o'-lantern?
I don't know.
Well, Max, she did send you your favorite toy after all these years.
Maybe she's trying to make amends.
Oh, make amends?
She couldn't even make me a sandwich.
Okay, you ready?
I know you are, but what am I?
Oh, my God, Max, is that you?
Is that your little Max voice?
Careful.
I'm about to open up a can of whoop-ass.
It is you.
How old were you there, ted?
Whoop ass is kind of my thing, still is.
I mean, i guess i always knew you were a little kid once, but i couldn't picture it till i heard that, like i couldn't picture me eating fruit from an exxon station till i did that.
Why are you so upset?
I say worse things to you all the time.
Yesterday i said you were sad and pathetic, but that was to my face.
I can't believe you talk about me behind my back.
It's bad.
I am sorry.
What can I do?
Hit me, punch me, tell my mother where I live.
Congratulations, Max.
Now you're like all my old girlfriends talking behind my back.
Stop looking at that.
Delete it.
This is not what I think.
I'm not sick of you.
Really?
Because when I see it in writing, it feels like you are.
It's not me.
It's this phone.
It brought out the ugliness that was kind of already there.
There.
I killed it because it hurt you.
I swear I didn't mean it.
You have to believe me.
It's fine, Max.
I feel like I'm going to throw up french fried my phone.
What else can i do?
I mean really, it is technology's fault.
It's turning us against each other.
Caroline, i swear i will never accidentally say anything about you again, that i never meant.
I have to get ready for work, it's fine.
Stop saying that, please.
Stop saying it's fine.
Fine doesn't mean fine.
The scale goes great good okay, not okay.
I hate you fine.
If fine meant fine, that'd be great, but it doesn't okay.
You're right.
It's not fine.
It sucks.
I'm hurt.
You're the one person I care most about.
No, you are the one person I care the most about.
Well, right now, it doesn't feel that way.
It has to feel that way.
You're my best friend, Caroline.
I love you.
Oh, my god.
Now I'm really going to throw up.
Max, is that the first time you said I love you?
Don't look at me.
I'm embarrassed.
Now what do we do?
So you're not sick of me.
You are the only person in the entire world I am not sick of.
Caroline.
There's a woman here who said she paid to slap you.
If I had known it was an option, I would have thrown my name into that head.
Free cat?
Want a cat?
You are going to love it here.
Park Slope is like the Beverly Hills of Brooklyn.
Here comes a good one.
Hey, want a cat?
Excuse me?
Cat?
Yeah, I'll take some crack.
She said cat.
We're looking for a nice home for a cat.
Oh, so no crack?
No.
Well, why would I want a cat?
I'm a crackhead.
Well, kitty, as hard as this is, I think it's time we let you back out there into the world.
At least if we leave you in a rich neighborhood, you'll have a better shot at life.
Max, are you okay with this?
Well, I was more okay when I did this with my cousin's baby.
There you go.
Oh, yeah.
Move into the next house.
South facing sun.
Pre-war building.
She'll love it.
There you go.
You live in Park Slope now.
You can adopt an African baby and wheel it around in a $900 stroller.
Can you believe that was my plan B?
Run.
Run away.
Go.
My house is screwed.
She lives here now.
Ooh, look, they have a piano.
You can make videos.
You'll be a YouTube star.
Bye, kitty.
Wow, I'm shocked you didn't stop me.
Stop you?
If I had known that was an option, I would have had you stuff me in there.
Well, this is me.
What are you hoping to say?
Congratulations, you live in a building?
No, don't be lame.
I don't live in a building.
I live here.
Where?
All I see is a dumpster.
Yeah, it's my apartment.
I converted it and I live inside.
It's totally green.
I mean, it's horrible for the environment, but it's the color green.
Oh, you're not kidding.
You live in a dumpster?
This is usually the part where the girl says she has to be up early tomorrow or call the police.
So, do you have to go?
Yeah.
I have to go inside that freaking cool dumpster.
And if you think it's cool now, watch this.
My dumpster's a grower, not a shower.
Holy crap!
This is amazing!
You have a sink in here?
And a stove?
Is it heated in here?
Did you teach the rats to shovel coal into the engine?
Yes, but there's also solar panels on the roof.
And a microwave.
And a bathroom right here.
You have a microwave next to your toilet?
You're a genius!
That's the smartest way to eat a burrito.
I think of everything.
And if you don't like your neighbors, you push your house to a new street.
Or you could just kill them and throw their bodies in here.
Added bonus, no rent, and the Chinese restaurant next door always tosses their garbage on my roof.
Free delivery, yo.
You don't have to tell me.
I read all about this place in Dumpster Living.
I'll take it.
All right, but it comes with a very handsome stuffed animal of a man with hair that gets him followed by security at Macy's.
I'm not just saying this because you live in a dumpster, but I'll take some brown chicken, brown cow right now.
So what was your first time having sex in a dumpster like?
Well, like the other times I've had sex in a dumpster.
Next time, I'm going to be naked.
Next time, I won't be wearing this hat.
I hope you don't mind.
I sleep like this.
Get off me!
Oh, so nice to have a live body under me for a change.
Stop, you're crushing me!
This is really nice.
Yeah, I live all the way over by the diner.
Plus, I gotta pull these boots on.
And I got a horse and a cat.
Possibly a dead roommate, so... Right.
You gotta be up early.
Yeah, but not like that.
It's just like... Where's the door handle?
Is it the coffee pot?
I can't get out.
I'm used to climbing out of these things.
It's right here.
I'm sure you don't want to stay.
Chinese restaurant just delivered.
Oh, that's why his leg's up in the air.
I've seen enough.
I'm out.
Ow!
I think I landed on what was moving.
So that's dead now.
God, are you okay?
Yeah, I think.
Are you?
Yeah.
Wait, you said you weren't okay.
I meant emotionally.
I jumped into a floor hole for feelings?
Well, my feelings are really hurt, Max.
It's been four years.
Well, I don't know what to do because, like the sad hatter said, time goes forward, it doesn't go back.
I can't undo the rent thing.
I just thought we were in this together, 50-50.
We are.
And I should have told you four years ago, but I thought we wouldn't last a month.
But then we did.
And then another month, and I'm still not sure how this happened, we became best friends.
Max, that's the first time you've ever called me your best friend without a bribe.
And that's worth a lot more than money.
And you know how much I love money.
Yeah, you almost ruined our friendship over it.
All right, come on, let's get out of here.
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
I'm not okay.
Searing pain!
Searing pain!
Oh, I think I twisted my ankle when I jumped down here.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
You're right.
Sometimes sorry just doesn't cut it.
So, how are we gonna get you out of here?
If you want me to carry you, you'll have to take off your boobs.
Which way should we go?
My sense of direction led me to being a waitress in Brooklyn.
Let's go forward, because much like the time, you can't go back.
Also, the moving thing just came to and looks mad.
Max, I've never been this close to your butt before, and it's spectacular.
What's your secret?
I'm 27.
I really shouldn't be seeing this.
Can we please turn the light back off?
Well, one good thing about being down here, Sophie and Oleg are up there.
Hey, why is the floor sagging?
Oh!
You know, I'm pretty sure that phone knocked a baby right up into me.
Correction!
If I could turn the clock back, I wouldn't go back four years, I'd go back 30 seconds.
He's going to be here.
Why am I so positive?
The only reason I know where my dad is is because he's in prison.
Ooh, live one coming in.
This guy looks like he's missed a few soccer games.
If that jabroni is him, tell him I'm not here.
Max, one of these losers is going to be your dad.
I mean, we're in Rhode Island.
I'm going to get a quick refill.
I got it, hon.
I'm in the industry.
Caroline, I'm starting to think he's not going to show.
You really screwed the pooch this time.
Me?
Yeah, this is your thing now.
You took the reins, remember?
You're Trevor Noah and I'm Jon Stewart.
I've got my Emmys.
I'm done now.
Well, you started this, and after I finally got her over Randy, the night terrors just stopped.
I was terrified of her at night.
You can sleep with a cheap taser now.
I already do, for the same reason.
Quiet!
This girl is sleeping.
We just got him down.
And we'd like to make out.
I spilled a lot of syrup on myself.
Let's just wake Earl up and get out of here.
My dad's not coming.
Maybe your dad's still on his way.
I heard traffic's building up on all the expressways.
Kind of an ironic name, wouldn't you say?
Expressway?
More like slowway.
This is Caroline's thing.
Let's just go.
I want to get back before Cinnabon gives away their day olds.
You know we own a dessert bar, right?
Maybe he's still going to come.
If I know one thing about the man I know nothing about, he is not coming.
Are you disappointed?
No.
A little.
But maybe it's for the best he didn't come.
This is why I didn't want to meet him, because whoever comes through that door is just going to disappoint me.
And this way I get to imagine he's someone cool, like Burt Reynolds or Captain Crunch.
So you're really okay?
Yeah.
We had a great day.
Road trip, medical squirrel.
I don't need another loser in my life.
I have you guys.
Gary, Max's father didn't show.
How does that make me feel?
Terrible.
I don't think Han's handling it as well as I am.
Honestly, if it were my thing, I would want to kill myself right now.
She's hurt, and she's family to me.
How does that make me feel?
Like I should have gone to an out-of-network doctor.
God, I made Han have a meltdown on my day off.
You calm down, Gary.
I won't count to ten.
You count to ten, you bastard.
Hey, welcome to the, uh... Hey, y'all, what the hell is this place called, anyway?
Uh, oh, my God, Dad!
Hold on, Gary.
A vagrant that could very well be Max's father just walked in.
Pretend you're my dad and they'll give you 40 bucks.
Throw in a joint and we have a deal.
Maybe you are my dad.
Oh, no, I don't have kids.
Too much pot.
Guys, this is my dad.
I'm the hot girl's dad.
Was anyone else expecting a cop?
I mean, you know for the irony, i'm caroline.
See, it's like not a bob, but it's not shoulder length.
I'm responsible for this reunion.
Um, he's not really my dad.
I'm doing this for hot, all right, everybody.
Uh, my dad and i have had a heartwarming reunion and now he has to get to a secret mission in an exotic locale.
Sure, but i can't leave the county, sure?
Local secret mission.
Hey, you seem like a nice kid.
Your father should be proud.
Thanks.
Sorry about the outburst, Gary.
You know it stems from my mother's expectations.
Thanks for doing this, Han.
Anyone in the hug business?
I didn't even flinch.
We are making progress.
Sure am.
Don't want to get stuck being a cashier my whole life.
Oleg, you forgot the damn squirrel.
Come on, little guy.
We don't abandon anybody.
What's going on in there?
I don't suppose there's any way you took a giant dump on your dresser?
You can't blame Chestnut.
He's probably nervous.
After wearing your leggings, he's getting ready for his fame audition.
He's a maniac.
Maniac on all fours.
Oh, Max, here's something.
The Ivy Bridge Riding Stables in Brooklyn, only five miles away.
It says on their website that their horses are featured in commercials and films.
Can you say Chestnut, star of the War Horse sequel?
Did you take the weed from my bedside table?
Hey, look at me in the eyes.
Are you high?
Honestly, a little.
Close that and go to sleep.
No, I'm still reading.
Oh, look at that.
I just pulled down your browser history.
Interesting list.
Kitten plays a keyboard.
Kitten sneezes and farts at the same time.
Give me that.
That's private.
Kitten folds a T-shirt.
Oh, kitten rings a doorbell.
I thought you said you weren't into pets.
I'm not.
It's a kitten ringing a doorbell.
He's trying to get in like people.
You have a secret soft spot for animals.
No, I'm just into freaky kittens.
There's one who puts on a snakeskin suit and goes on a business trip.
That's not soft, that is freaky.
Fine, you're telling me to get a reality check about Chestnut, but you need one too.
You're gonna miss him when he's gone.
Max, are you listening?
Max, don't worry.
I know it's all going to work out perfectly at the stables tomorrow.
I'm not worried.
I'll see you soon, Chestnut.
You want a minute alone?
I'll be out.
This is probably gonna seem ridiculous to you, because you're a horse and I'm just some lady that's been slipping you carrots for the last few months, but I really got attached to you.
This is way more than most horses get out of me.
I wasn't even this upset when they discontinued tan M&Ms.
I, um...
I really haven't had much go right for me in my life and I'm pretty sure things are going to keep getting worse, but you were a good thing.
And when everything sucked, you were the best thing we had going.
And you're fuzzy, too.
You're so fuzzy, and no one can argue that touching a warm, fuzzy thing isn't straight-up lovely.
So, thank you for everything you did for us, but especially for being fuzzy.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm fine.
I'll always be fine.
Are you crying?
Yeah, I'm crying because I wish I could live here.
Don't worry.
We'll come visit and we'll find a way to bring him home in the spring.
Come on, I have a pocket full of dimes.
Let's go get some convenience store taquitos and wash them down with blue raspberry wine coolers.
They're on sale at the bodega.
Two four-packs for $5.
You know exactly what to say to cheer broke sista up.
Stupid showing up at movies like... No surprise, Max, I'm here.
Sorry, we're closed.
You ran out of there so fast, you trampled that strange exotic bird.
That was Tilda Swinton, and I apologized.
How did you know I was here?
I followed you.
You could have just poked me on Facebook.
I'd rather poke you in person.
So, gonna give me a drink?
Are you gonna give me a reason you're here?
Are you gonna give me a reason you're so beautiful?
Are you gonna give me a reason... Okay, fine, I'll give you a dream.
I just got over you.
What do you want from me?
I wanna be with you.
Oh, please!
You think you can just come in here in your suit and be like, uh, I want to be with you, Max.
You say you love me, you say you can't live without me, and then you go and live without me.
You, sir, are unreliable.
Max, I miss you.
Every time I see Cheeto dust or a girl wearing flip-flops in an expensive restaurant, I tear up.
Oh, really?
I thought you said long-distance relationships didn't work.
Not going to be long distance anymore.
What about your firm in LA?
We just opened offices in New York.
Where are they?
Two blocks from my new apartment I just got.
Where's your dog?
Doesn't he have season tickets to the Lakers?
He and Jack Nicholson got in a fight.
What about all that stuff you said about us being in different places in our lives?
I want to be in your place.
What about that thing you said about the way I eat noodles?
I'm working on that.
Max, I've been crazy about you since the moment I met you.
I don't want to live without you.
Oh, really?
Really.
Prove it.
Max George Black.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Wait, what?
Max, where did you go?
You missed everything.
And as hard as I tried, they wouldn't give me a second swag bag.
And I will not share the Kate Hudson yoga pants.
You can have them, because I have this.
You stole an engagement ring?
Can I come out now?
It smells in there.
Oh, my God.
Randy, are you upset that Max is engaged?
Oh, wait!
Now I know why you wanted to tell her without me.
Back to the smelly room.
Oh my god!
This night that was totally about me is totally about you and I'm not even jealous!
