I love being able to talk about brands that I use on my podcasts and I've personally
been using this one for over five years.
Our sponsor Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies are specifically formulated
for women.
They contain 16 vitamins and minerals including the full B vitamin complex to help convert
food into fuel and have the added benefit of supporting healthy hair, skin and nails.
With just two delicious gummies, Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies are
an easy way to feel like your best self every day.
To learn more, visit naturesway.com slash Gemma 10 and use code Gemma 10 at checkout for
10% off any Alive Women's Multivitamins, terms and conditions apply valid through June
30th.
Managing our money in our 20s can feel like a bit of a challenge whether you're saving
for your first car or for a big overseas trip, it can take time to get there.
Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies is a very important thing to do.
To learn more about Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies, visit naturesway.com
and visit naturesway.com to learn more about Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin
Gummies.
Visit naturesway.com to learn more about Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies
will live their best financial lives.
Nearly half our youth are struggling with their mental health, but California is building
a new workforce of certified wellness coaches to help them lead happier, healthier lives.
Certified wellness coaches work with children and youth to build vital skills to improve
their mental health and wellbeing.
A coach can help make a difference.
It's time to spread the wellness.
Learn more at cawellnesscoach.org.
Supported by the California Department of Healthcare, Access and Information.
Ugh, out 20s.
The drunk dialing, the forgetting to wash out face at night, and yes neglecting out
teeth.
Don't do that last one.
You only get one set of teeth so you need to protect them.
Pronamel Intensive Enamel Repair penetrates deep into the enamel surface and locks
in vital minerals to repair acid-weekened enamel.
Pronamel also makes a new mouthwash, which helps to repair acid-weekened enamel beyond
brushing alone.
Pronamel is the number one dentist-recommended brand for acid erosion, so by pronamel repair
anywhere you buy your toothpaste or mouthwash, visit pronamel.com today.
Hello everybody and welcome back to the psychology of your 20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our
20s and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners,
old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
I'm so excited for today's episode because today we are talking about the idea or
the psychological construct of co-dependency and not just in romantic relationships but
also in other fundamental interpersonal relationships, particularly our friendships and with our
family.
I think that co-dependency can show up in so many facets of our social lives and although
there is a healthy amount of dependency and very real reasons why that kind of turns
into co-dependency when it's taken to extremes, when it's uncontrollable, what can emerge
are pretty, I would say parasitic, symbiotic relationships that restrict our lives.
It is a very nuanced idea and a very nuanced concept and I get this topic requested of
me all the time, all the time, so it must be bothering some of us out there and I honestly
don't know why I haven't done it sooner because it is such a crucial and valuable discussion
that needs to be had in this decade of our lives.
I also think another reason I was really cool to almost do an episode on this and the reason
I wanted to discuss the idea of co-dependency is because I think that its meaning has been
incredibly skewed by misinterpretations on the internet, in pop culture, across social
media and when we use the term co-dependency it's often really casual and flippant and
from the research that I've done I've just come to realise it's so much more than that.
So hopefully we can set the meaning straight in this episode and kind of dive into all
of the psychology that is the basis of this concept and this idea, especially how it can
become visible and can become a problem in our friendships and in our relationships.
So we're going to discuss of course the history behind the term co-dependency, how it actually
found its beginnings in AA meetings of all places, how it shows up in our lives, how
it manifests in our relationships, I guess also some of the warning signs and some of the
causes of this experience of co-dependency, specifically to do without upbringing and
childhood attachment but I also want to talk about healthy dependency, interdependency
and what it really means to rely on, to love and trust other people in a way that is
sustainable and healthy and what that means for our lives.
But if you're listening to this with a bit of fear, maybe that a relationship of yours
is becoming co-dependent, not to worry because I also really want to rehash some of the
discussions that we've had before around boundaries and how to separate yourself and someone
you may be co-dependent with and restore a healthy amount of reliance and support between
you and another person.
This topic is so relevant for our 20s, I feel like in this decade we are filled with
so many emotions and deep feelings and realizations but also insecurities and quite frankly things
that we need help with, things that we haven't yet figured out and the intensity of close
relationships that we have in this decade be that platonic with our family or intimate,
those relationships can be such a soothing band aid almost for so many of our worries
and concerns but often when we cling to people in times of uncertainty, it can create problems
you know, I've had partners and friends who have been an absolute lifeline for me in periods
of crisis, I felt like I couldn't live without them but I think it's important to know
when that is stepping into an unhealthy terrain and could actually potentially undermine what
is best for us.
So a discussion around codependency and how it manifests in the relationships we have
I think is so crucial and if you can relate, well you're definitely in the right place
I guess and in for a treat because there's so much fascinating stuff behind the scenes
of what we typically see or think of codependency and so many things to I guess discuss and explore.
So get ready, strap in, I'm so excited for this deep dive and the discussion and all
that is to come.
I love being able to talk about brands that I use on the podcast and this is a brand
that I've been personally using for over five years.
Our sponsor naturesway Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies are specifically formulated for women.
They contain 16 vitamins and minerals including the full B vitamin complex to help you convert
food into fuel, they also have calcium and vitamin D to support bone health and healthy hair
skin and nails and for those of you who may be watching your sugar intake they now have
a zero sugar version made with plant-based sweetness including stevia extract and monk fruit
extract with just two delicious gummies naturesway Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies are an easy
way to feel like your best self every day to learn more visit naturesway.com slash Gemma
and use code Gemma 10 at checkout for 10% of any Alive Women's Multivitamins terms and
conditions apply valid through June 30th.
Our first time using something normally forms a lifelong impression even if psychology
says that impression is not always correct.
For example you may try a new food for the first time, realize you don't like it and you're
convinced for the rest of your life to never try again or the first time shaving or using
hair removal cream.
I think we can all remember that strong chemical smell of those old formulas.
Well that is about to change.
Nair is the number one hair removal brand and now it has a new and improved formula that
actually smells amazing and does away with the need to shave or have a rusty razor on
hand.
I was honestly so surprised when I used these for the first time because I think the last
time I used hair removal creams was when I was probably 18.
There was nothing pleasant about that smell but now with scents like orange blossom and
Moroccan organ oil for the new shower creams and kirkar butter, oat milk, vanilla or
water lily and aloe vera for their body creams they actually make me enjoy the experience.
So a story about this the other day I had three of my closest girlfriends and my boyfriend
over for dinner and we had this bottle we decided we wanted to try it out.
We wanted to get rid of some hair on our legs.
We all used the oat milk and vanilla body cream.
Literally at my dining table we applied it and we waited for three minutes.
They turned out so smooth even my boyfriend put some on his calf and let me tell you
that little spot is still silky smooth a week later.
He can testify this stuff works and we also agreed these do formulas are a game changer
because not only can you actually get rid of hair it actually smells nice and it removes
the hassle of having to shave every few days every few weeks it also is free of dyes it's
free of parabens it's free of sulfates which is a big plus for me and I have to say again
the new spents actually smell really really good you can smell them for yourself try the
reformulated net body and shower creams available at retailers nationwide and online.
At Arizona State University we offer a wide variety of degree programs online to match all
kinds of interests and career aspirations programs that are taught by the same notable
faculty who teach on campus and designed using innovative technology to improve learning
outcomes and equip you for post graduation success that's why 87% of ASU online graduates
indicated they were promoted at work or received an increase in salary after earning their
degree find your program at as you online dot ASU dot edu.
Oh out 20s the drunk dialing the forgetting to wash our face at night and yes neglecting
out teeth don't do that last one you only get one set of teeth so you need to protect
them.
Pronamel intensive enamel repair penetrates deep into the enamel surface and locks in
vital minerals to repair acid weakened enamel.
Pronamel also makes a new mouthwash which helps to repair acid weakened enamel beyond brushing
alone.
Pronamel is the number one dentist recommended friend for acid erosion so by pronounble repair
anywhere you buy your toothpaste or mouthwash visit pronamel.com today.
Like we always do let's start this discussion this exploration by getting our basics down
packed what is codependency and what is the psychological basis I guess behind its existence
and presentation in our lives so essentially codependency is an unhealthy dysfunctional
relationship that is unbalanced whereby one person has assumed the role of the giver
or the provider there's someone who is willing to give and sacrifice everything for another
person whereas the other individual in this relationship is the takeer.
I think the first major element of this kind of relationship is that it is unhealthy.
I think when we typically think about codependency as a society as a community of people who
have access to the internet and whatnot we tend to imagine people who spend a lot of time
together who are really inseparable you know you may have a best friend who you see every
day and you do everything with and you talk for hours and you can't imagine your life
without.
That isn't inherently unhealthy or codependent if both people are equally reliant on each
other or the relationship is what we would call mutually beneficial you know there is a balance
level of support and compassion from both parties.
It becomes unhealthy and it becomes codependent when the balancing act is distributed or disturbed
and it shifts in one person's favour you know it's no longer even and this is really important
when we consider the second element of codependency which is that all the relationships that are
codependent are seen as one sided you know one person being the giver one person being
the takeer that doesn't mean that both parties don't actually get something from the arrangement
because the relationship that they have struck may mean that each is equally as dependent
for different reasons.
I don't think this is to make a generalisation about every codependent relationship you know
I think when we talk about abusive relationships or abuse we are moving away from simply you
know codependency and sometimes they come hand in hand especially when we consider emotional
abuse but I think most people who we would consider as codependent the nature of their codependency
rests on that truth that both parties are receiving something regardless of whether they recognise
that consciously.
For example in any codependent situation we have that giver we have that takeer and each
person has taken up one of those roles that's essentially the equation of any codependent
relationship and although I think we may take pity on the giver because they're being
really self-sacrificing maybe they're unable to set boundaries or they're exhausted by their
counterparts need to take from them or be reliant on them they may get some satisfaction
from providing this one sided support to the takeer or they may feel responsible for their
partner or their parents or their friends and all that comes with that their thoughts their
feelings and their actions and in contrast you know the takeer receives essentially unconditional
love and support you know patience money forgiveness whatever they need and they are willing
to accept that.
I think the term codependent like I said is often lobbied at people to describe them as kind of needy
or really clingy but it is so much more than that and it's often encouraged in some ways by
the giver and also the takeer as well I guess because they share in the responsibility and need
for each other.
I saw it described really well by this person called Dr. Legg in medical news today and what they
said essentially was that a codependent relationship occurs when one person needs the other who in turn
needs to be needed.
Like I said before codependency it's not just reserved for romantic relationships as we may assume
it can really take place in any relationship which becomes unbalanced friendships work relationships
family relationships with our parents with our siblings with our aunts and uncles anyone that
you have some kind of social interaction with. I often think about the people who message me or
tell me about friends of theirs who are absolutely reliant on them for all emotional support
and they're constantly sacrificing their time and their energy to almost tend to this person
whereas when they have problems or issues that friend is never there for them they're never
willing to make those sacrifices. Their friend is completely dependent on them whilst the other
person just has to bear that and either can't do something or doesn't feel right about asking for
that reciprocation. With drawing from that type of person someone who is codependent on you
can be really really difficult and we're going to talk about that later but interestingly before
we jump into that I think some of the history is quite fascinating you know the term codependent
or codependency it actually came out of research on the relationships between people who were
suffering from addiction and the people that were close to them in their lives. That's where the
term first appeared amongst researchers who were studying people with addiction and they used it
to describe the almost lopsided or you know one-sided enabling relationships between someone who
was struggling perhaps with alcohol abuse or substance abuse and the people you know normally
family and partners who feel that they have to give into that person's struggles and they have
to help them. Then it kind of moved its way into AA alcoholics anonymous meetings and then it kind
of became a common term through that as it became more accessible to people and I guess now it's
been embraced by pop culture and you know and psycho bubble to describe something that I think
it really wasn't intended to represent you know essentially it was used to describe enabling
relationships you know where one person is enabling another person's dependence on them
or their dependence on something like drugs or alcohol. This actually really surprised me when
I learnt this because I think like most people I had a very naive I would say understanding of what
it was I used it very casually but it is a lot more severe and intricate than that so now that we
kind of know some of the history and what I would call the basic elements of a codependent relationship
you know that they're maladaptive they're one sided they're unhealthy I really want to provide
a bit of an overview I guess of some of the warning signs in our own relationships and those
of people close to us as well some of the things to look out for. I'm going to quickly state that although
codependency is not something that you can be diagnosed with per se if you see some part of yourself
or your own experience in what I am describing what I'm going to talk about there is a lot of
professional help out there for you and there are people that you can talk to you know you're not
going to get a diagnosis or the person that you're speaking about isn't going to get a diagnosis
I think dependent personality disorder is probably the closest thing that we can get to and that's
essentially describing pervasive you know psychological dependence on other people in which
someone is unable to be independent and unable to meet their own emotional needs or make decisions
and needs to receive constant approval from others and I guess that is it's unlike codependency
in that it doesn't involve reliance on just one person but I think that like the general
psychological community you know the DSM it hasn't really caught up to the fact that
dependent personality disorder and codependency are actually quite hand in hand and we speak a lot
about codependency in terms of addiction but there still isn't that recognition that this is
something that is can really affect someone's psychological and physical and emotional well-being
so let's talk about some of the I guess warning signs some of the things to look out for
firstly in codependent relationships there is going to be an imbalance of power if you are
finding that you are giving much more energy time love patience to another person who is really
only using you for their own needs that's probably the biggest indicator so according to this
clinical psychologist I think their name was codered codered Derek or something like that
we may feel when we're in this situation if we are the giver in this situation like we have to
save the person from themselves and we feel responsible for their emotional state and their well-being
you know you take over their responsibility for themselves and you help them pick up the pieces
and that instance in which you
