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What if kittens played the glockenspiel?
What if unicorns were real?
What if you could fly or travel back in time?
We welcome you to What If World.
Hey there folks, and welcome back to What If World, the show where your questions and ideas inspire off-the-cuff stories.
I'm Mr. Eric, your host, and today we've got a question from Samuel E.
Hello, Mr. Eric and all of Wative World.
I'm Samuel, and I'm almost 11 in Chicago, Illinois.
I like karate and ducks, and my word of question is what if Alabaster Zero and Petey the Pirate were first to go on a mission together?
Thanks.
Bye.
Oh, man.
I can't believe I've never paired up Alabaster and Petey.
Now we've also got a patron question from Zoe and it is about Alabaster Zero.
But I'll tell you about it at the end.
Now, some of you may be thinking that this What If question sounds familiar.
Well, that's because this is a remastered episode.
I have added a bunch of fresh new sound effects.
I've balanced the music a little better and removed a bunch of little clicks and pops that I used to not know how to edit out.
If you're a supporter of What If World, you're also going to get a brand new episode of Stump, Mr Eric released on Wednesday.
And of course, supporters get to hear all of our episodes ad-free.
Grownups.
Supporting What If World helps me keep doing what I love, which is answering your kids' questions with the best stories I can come up with.
So please go to whatifworldpodcast.com support or just click those support links in our show notes.
Thanks.
Now let's find out.
What if Alabaster Zero and Petey the Pirate were forced to go on a mission together?
Plus our patron question from Zoe that we'll hear about later.
We'll start your story right after a quick break.
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And that's critical.
Meaning important, yes.
Well, I did a little bit of digging.
And I found out that IXL is used by over 15 million students and has more than 75 research studies that show it delivers real results.
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What if?
Visit ixl.com slash what if to get the most effective learning program out there at the best price.
Alabaster Zero was so excited to be walking down the dock that led him to Patrina the Pirate's ship.
If you didn't know, knitting is one of Alabaster's favorite pastimes and Patrina is his teacher as well as his friend.
Alabaster stood at the base of the plank that would lead him on to Patrina's ship.
He cupped his hands over his mouth and shouted in a very authoritarian voice Petrina, the Pirate, put down your knitting and come out with your hands up so I can measure you for a sweater.
But who should appear at the other end of the gangplank?
Well, you know, it was Petey the Pirate.
Sorry, Detective Zero.
I think we must have gotten our calendars crossed.
That's okay, Mr. The Pirate.
Is your grandma home?
She's not my grandma.
I mean, she's practically raised me, so if anything she's more of a maternal figure.
Oh, sorry, Petey.
Sorry, Alabaster.
I'm afraid this is all my fault.
Petrina walked up to the deck of her ship with a twinkle in her eye.
Oh, it seems I agreed to fix up Petey's ship today.
And totally forgot that you and I had plans to knit Alabaster.
Oh, but it's knit Tuesday.
All petty made a mess of things, eh?
Yeah well sorry Alabaster, but I was here first and my ship really does need a fixing.
Oh, that's true, and it'll take me all day.
So um, you know, i just had a totally spontaneous idea, said petrina slyly, why don't you two boys spend the day together?
Dude, you've never mixed up a date in your life.
Oh well, there's a first time for everything.
No, and listen, i absolutely love being your friend, slash mother, slash grandmother figures.
But don't you do think it'd be nice to have a friend your own age what?
I have plenty of friends.
It's just because Verilice is a few hundred years old and Tabby Tallulah's only two.
Oh, and I'm friends with Potty the Pirate, if I recall.
And when was the last time you and Potty hung out?
Yeah, it was 174 episodes ago, give or take.
Oh, clearly you two have all the friends you need.
You know it's too bad, said Petrina, reaching for the inside pocket of her long coat.
With just the hint of a smile,
I had a very important mission to send you two on, but I guess I'll just have to find another pirate and detective I can trust.
Woof!
There's no detective more trustworthy than me, and you're the only other pirate for miles around.
Oh well, if you two wouldn't mind.
I demand you give us this mission.
I'm insulted you'd even think to give it to another pirate and detective.
Okay, if you two insist.
And Petrina pulled out an envelope. of thick, tea-colored paper.
The contents of this letter are very special, and I need you two to find someplace safe to keep it.
Someplace far from here.
Maybe even as far as, oh, say, Alabaster Zero's house.
I don't want to leave me ship behind.
I think she's onto something, Petey.
There's no place safer than my fortress of detectitude.
That is definitely not a word, Alabaster.
That's detectitude, Alabaster, to you. were walking down a long and winding path that would lead them back to the detective's house.
Well, Petrina's a pretty smart pirate.
If she put us on this mission together, you must think we've got at least something in common.
Well, we both insisted on holding this envelope.
And indeed the two of them were walking side by side, each with a hand on a different end of the envelope.
I'm not sure that counts.
Well, we must both like pirating.
I like The idea of pirates.
But I think stealing is bad.
So... Yargh.
Not all pirates steal.
I mean, that's kind of what the verb actually means.
Well, do all detectives detect?
Yes, we do.
Yar, yar, you would, wouldn't you?
Well, I'm also very interested in real estate.
They rounded a bend, feeling a little crestfallen. wondering if this whole day was gonna be a big mistake.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
After pirating and detecting real estate and cats, let's each say what our next favorite thing is.
Sure, I guess, but it's really two things, and I kind of like them both equally.
Fine, let's say our next two favorite things on the count of three.
So do we say it right when we say the word three?
Or is there like a beat?
I thought maybe the three would be silent and implied and we'd say it then.
But then we're only counting to two.
You're right, you're right.
It's count to three out loud.
And then, instead of saying four, we'll say our two favorite things.
Ugh.
If we were meant to be friends, this wouldn't be so hard.
Oh, there's something we agree on.
A one, a two, a three.
Karate and Ducks.
What did you say?
What was that?
Ducks and karate?
Ducks?
No way.
No way.
Yeah, I'm so good at karate.
I can like cut paper in half.
But from the thin side, you know.
So you end up with like two skinnier sheets of paper.
Nah, I don't believe it.
Yeah, you should believe it.
I did it once with toilet paper.
I chopped it right out of the air.
And then there was a whole other piece of teepee, only half as thick.
You're talking about two ply.
Nuh-uh.
Well then prove it.
Make this envelope into two envelopes, said Petey the Pirate, pulling Petrina's envelope away and tossing it into the air.
Easy.
Alabaster quickly shifted into a guarding stance. and struck the falling envelope with a swift chop.
It seemed to burst open and something green flew out and started floating away on the wind!
Grab it, grab it!
Alabaster and Petey ran after the floating green thing Snatching grabbing kicking pulling, falling over each other, trying to get it.
Yeah, gotcha, said Alabaster.
He inspected the green paper that had fallen out of the envelope.
Petey, you're not gonna believe this.
Why wouldn't I believe it?
I'm looking at it right now.
It's a hundred dollar bill.
Yeah, I know, I saw it while we were trying to grab it out of the air earlier.
And it's all mine.
Nah, we both found it.
But I chucked the envelope open.
But I dared you to.
But I won it.
Well, when you think about it, it's actually Petrina's, remember?
Oh, right.
Yar, yar, it's Petrina's.
Our mission was to protect it.
Oh, we failed our mission.
Or did we?
An alabaster carefully slipped the $100 bill into the inside pocket of his dungaree jacket.
The contents of the envelope are still safe.
That was our mission.
You're right, Alabaster.
And I know just how to keep that hundred dollar bill safe.
Pirate style.
PD the Pirate. was merrily burying the $100 bill in Alabaster Zero's backyard.
Pity.
Shouldn't we, like, deposit it in the bank for her?
Then it'd be safe.
And collecting interest.
Oh, silly landlubber.
Buried money collects interest faster than any other kind of money.
And he patted down the last shovel full of dirt.
See?
Aren't you interested more already?
So you sell people houses, but you have no idea how money works, huh?
Just then, a little green shoot sprouted out from where they'd just buried the money.
What was that?
The little green shoot sprouted and grew and branched out.
Pity.
This is what normally happens when you bury things.
I don't know.
This is my first time burying real treasure.
You've got to be kidding.
And suddenly a mighty tree was growing up right beneath their feet.
Its trunk was so thick and its branches were so wide that it caught up Petey and Alabaster, who found themselves clinging for dear life.
I never earned my burying badge.
I was just trying to impress you.
Oh, well, I'm so impressed.
Now that I'm stuck in a tree a hundred feet off the ground.
Oh, thank goodness.
Because frankly, I'm terrified.
All right, listen.
I'm gonna use my karate on this tree trunk to chop it in half.
And then after the top half falls, we'll slide down it to safety.
Oh, I don't know, Alabaster.
This grew from what was in the envelope, so I think we've got to keep this tree safe.
Duh, worthless tree.
And Alabaster gave the tree a little thump with the bottom of his fist.
And a bunch of leaves fell down on the two of them.
But they didn't feel quite like normal leaves.
Alabaster, are you seeing what I'm seeing?
Alabaster held up one of the rectangular leaves that had a lot of symbols on it and a number as well.
One hundred.
I think this is a... Alabaster.
I think this is a... A money tree.
We're the richest people in the world.
Well, thank you for including me this time.
I mean, that bill should have been accomplished.
Nessa celery?
Yarram, I'm actually getting a little hungry.
Yeah, me too.
Do you have any snacks on you?
Well, I have plenty of snacks in my pack, which I left right on the ground when I pulled the shovel out of it.
Um, are we stuck in this tree?
Um, hi.
You two are stuck up here, huh?
Said a little brown duck, landing lightly on the branch beside them.
You're quite the detective, responded Alabaster.
Um, you're too big.
I can't really get you down.
Could you fly me up a couple of tuna fish sandwiches from me pack?
Oh, tuna fish?
Uh, sure.
And the duck dove down toward the ground far below.
They were gone for a little while, and Alabaster's stomach grumbled.
That duck's not coming back.
This whole mission's been a disaster.
Yar, what good's all of the money in the world if you can't spend it?
I don't even know why people care.
My two dads had plenty of money, but I still had it pretty rough.
Oh, really?
Try sleeping on the deck of a ship for your whole childhood, eating barnacle sandwiches with hardtack bread.
Sorry, I never knew.
Everyone in our crew worked day and night trying to make ends meet.
Oh, what we would have done for a money tree.
I'm sorry.
I guess I thought people shouldn't worry about money because I've never had to.
Well, I accept your apology.
And the duck's going to owe us an apology too if he's not back with our tuna sandwiches soon.
And there was the duck. right on cue, if not on schedule.
You know, I looked all through that pack, and I only found six tuna fish sandwiches.
Yeah, I made six for the road, just like Petrina taught me.
Well, she should have taught you to make seven.
What are you saying, Doug?
Hey, my name's Farfall, because I wear this bowtie, and because I like diving.
Farfall, would you mind falling far and going and snatching up some of those sandwiches?
I already did!
Then where are they?
I ate them.
I'm very full, by the way.
Thank you very much.
Oh, Varfal, I will pay you any amount of money for just one bite of sandwich.
That's so generous of you.
Okay.
Actually, I think we're going to change our mind on that.
Oh, never mind, my friend Alabaster.
His dads were so rich.
That he never had to eat a half-digested tuna fish sandwich coughed up from a duck's belly.
Well, la-dee-da.
He must have had it made.
It wasn't like that.
I mean, sure, one of my dads was a doctor, but the other was a detective. there.
That's about five of the six sandwiches.
Should be plenty for you two.
Farvel, you've given me an idea.
Oh, good.
I want you to go gather all the ducks you've ever known.
Okay.
And Farfall flew off again.
Petey, I don't think we should be putting our trust in this duck.
No, no.
But the one thing you can always trust a duck to do is follow their belly.
And with that Petey picked up the pile of partially puked up sandwiches and spread them around the nearby branches.
Soon a whole flock of ducks had gathered in the tree around them.
See, Alabaster, I told you the ducks would come.
They're eating all the sandwiches.
I just can't.
Fellow ducks.
You're all very much like pirates in that you let nothing go to waste and that you're willing to go to great lengths to keep your family fed.
Well, I want you to take all the loose leaves from this money tree and fly them off to the far corners of What If World.
Um, why would we do that?
Alabaster was wondering that too, but then he had an idea.
For fun.
When you knew we had this tuna up in this tree, which ducks did you tell about it?
Well, I started by telling the hungriest ones.
Exactly.
We help each other out.
That's what kind people do.
And now you ducks can fly money to anyone in the world who needs it.
And also get to keep some money for ourselves?
Of course.
You need to eat and take care of yourself too.
The ducks all quacked among themselves for a minute.
And Farfall finally spoke up.
They want me to remind you that you are still stuck in a tree.
I don't think our mission was to get out of this tree.
Yar!
I think our mission was to help these ducks.
And now these ducks will take your bucks and go help other people.
And maybe those people will help other people.
And so on and so forth until someone helps us out of this tree.
Oh, wonderful.
So we're gonna wait until some theoretical person who's been helped by these buck ducks and their duck bucks decides to go looking for two people that they don't know are stuck in a tree.
Oh, you are quite the detective, Alabaster.
Aye, okay.
I love the buck ducks, don't get me wrong.
But I'm gonna just help us out a little bit with the last part of this plan.
And Alabaster pulled out his detective pen and pad, wrote a note and handed it to Farfall with a whisper.
Okay, see ya, said the duck, and flew off toward the horizon.
So Alabaster, I figure we'll need to have a few sleepovers in this tree before someone comes and saves us.
Okay.
And seeing as our tuna fish sandwiches are all gone, we'll have to survive off of the fancy syrup that we sap out of this money tree.
But I don't think that's going to happen, Petey.
I get it, I get it.
We've just been trapped in a tree together.
It doesn't make us friends or anything.
No, I mean it's not going to happen because I sent a note to Petrina the pirate.
And there she flew, captaining Petey's pirate ship.
Now that she'd finished fixing it up.
Yer, Patrina.
You saved us.
Oh, dear.
You two didn't happen to open that envelope, did you?
Well, it's a long story.
Yer, involving karate and ducks and regurgitated tuna fish sandwiches.
Petrina the Pirate extended a rope from the flying rocket pirate ship house, and Petey and Alabaster took turns climbing up it.
Sounds like you two had quite the day.
You got that right, Petrina.
And I think we're even gonna have a sleepover soon.
Oh, you mean it, Alabaster.
Of course I do, buddy.
We've got to make sure we share out this money equitably.
Oh, of course.
Otherwise we'll ruin what if world with crippling inflation.
So you don't understand, bank.
But you do understand the many varied causes and effects of inflation.
Oh, you two learned more than I'd bargained for.
Yay, don't get it.
The end.
Zoe and Samuel E., I hope you enjoyed your story.
Zoe's question, if you hadn't guessed, was what if Alabaster Zero found 100 and buried it and grew a money tree?
Oh, Alabaster and Petey, friends at last.
Can you think of a person in your life? that you have trouble talking to?
Maybe it's because you feel like you don't have anything in common, or maybe it's because you feel nervous.
Now I want you to think what are some of the wonderful things that makes this person different from you?
And what are some of the wonderful things that you might have in common.
If you can't think of anything, you might try asking them these four magical words.
What do you like?
Or maybe you can just talk to your grown-up first and practice having a conversation that way.
Who knows?
Maybe it'll help you come up with your next What If question.
And when that happens, get your grown-up's permission to email hello at whatifworldpodcast.com.
We love hearing from you or seeing your writing questions or artwork.
And as long as you give us a little bit of time, we respond to every family that emails us.
I'd like to thank Karen O'Keefe, my co-creator, my producer, Miss Lynn Craig Martinson for our theme song, and all you kids at home who know that, while money can't buy everything, it's still important that everyone has enough so they can stay healthy and safe.
And until we meet again, keep wondering.
