It was nice spending this time with you.
Wait.
I have a request.
Yes?
I'd like you to meet my mother.
I see.
Can I get back to you on that?
Certainly.
Good night.
Good night.
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Leonard!
Yeah, what?
Amy Farrah Fowler has asked me to meet her mother.
Yeah, so?
What does that mean?
Well, you know how you're always saying that Amy is a girl who's your friend and not your girlfriend.
Uh-huh.
You can't say that anymore.
What are you working on?
I'm removing my digital footprint from the internet, so Amy Farrah Fowler can't find me and compel me to meet her mother.
Oh.
You're going off the grid.
Exactly.
The old Unabomber approach.
Kudos.
Thank you.
I've also sent Amy a relationship termination notice and changed my cell phone number and email address.
What if she just comes over?
She'll get lost.
We no longer live at 2311 Los Robles.
We now live at 311 Los Robles.
You changed the address on the building?
What about mail?
No worries.
I explained my predicament to our letter carrier.
He was sympathetic.
His exact words were, got your back, Jack.
Bitches be crazy.
Who is it?
Amy Farrah Fowler.
Darn, she found me.
She's been here before.
The only flaw in an otherwise perfect plan.
Raiders of the Lost Ark with 21 additional seconds.
If I can't see it, no one else can see it.
This is crazy.
No, crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
Listen to me.
You are overtired.
You're not thinking right.
Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
Trouble is my middle name, Leonard.
Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer trouble.
Oh, look who they let in.
Don't worry, Wil Wheaton.
I was just leaving.
Da-da-da-da.
Come on, short round.
Uh, that's my water.
What?
My water.
You're drinking it.
Dear Lord.
Have you been drinking it?
Yes, it's my water.
Well, that's it, then.
I'm dead.
Here we go.
I'm sorry.
Do I really need to connect the dots for you?
The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home sweet home.
Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about.
Then it may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other.
You guys ready to order?
Yes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of Ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
I don't understand.
He drank from Leonard's glass.
He drank from Leonard's glass.
Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
That's actually my napkin.
Oh, this is a nightmare!
Where are you going?
To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol.
Gangway!
Dead man walking!
Greetings.
I brought Amy here to show her some of the work I'm doing.
It's very impressive for theoretical work.
Do I detect a hint of condescension?
I'm sorry, was I being too subtle?
I meant compared to the real-world applications of neurobiology.
Theoretical physics is what's the word I'm looking for.
Hmm, cute.
Are you suggesting the work of a neurobiologist like Babinski could ever rise to the significance of a physicist like Clark, Maxwell or Dirac?
I'm stating it outright.
Babinski eats Dirac for breakfast and defecates Clark Maxwell.
You take that back.
Absolutely not.
My colleagues and I are mapping the neurological substrates that subserve global information processing, which is required for all cognitive reasoning, including scientific inquiry, making my research ipso facto prior in the Ordo Cognoscendi.
That means it's better than his research, and by extension, of course, yours.
I'm sorry, I'm still trying to work on defecating Clark Maxwell.
Excuse me, but a grand unified theory, insofar as it explains everything, will ipso facto explain neurobiology.
Yes, but if I'm successful, I will be able to map and reproduce your thought processes in deriving a grand unified theory and therefore subsume your conclusions under my paradigm.
That's the rankest psychologism.
It was conclusively revealed as hogwash by Gottlieb Frege in the 1890s.
We appear to have reached an impasse.
I agree.
I move our relationship terminate immediately.
Seconded.
There being no objections?
The motion carries.
Good day, Amy Farrah Fowler.
Good day, Sheldon Cooper.
Women, huh?
And live with them, can't successfully refute their hypotheses.
Amen to that.
Read into this bag.
What's going on?
They stole everything, Leonard.
Everything.
Are you the roommate?
Yeah, Leonard Hofstadter.
What happened?
Your friend here called 911 to report a robbery.
Oh, my God.
What did they get?
What didn't they get?
I got my enchanted weapons, my vicious gladiator armor, my wand of untainted power, and all my gold.
You called the police because someone hacked your World of Warcraft account?
What choice did I have?
The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf hero of the Eastern Kingdoms, has been picked clean like a carcass in the desert sun.
Plus the FBI hung up on me.
Into the bag.
They took my battle ostrich.
Oh no, not Glenn.
Yes, Glenn.
Only bird I ever loved.
Good luck, fellas.
Thank you, officer.
Wait a minute.
You're not going to do anything?
Mr. Cooper, there's nothing... Dr. Cooper.
Seriously?
Not the kind with access to drugs.
Fine.
Dr Cooper, I'm sorry for your loss, but the Pasadena Police Department doesn't have jurisdiction in Pandora.
That's from Avatar.
World of Warcraft takes place in Azeroth.
Goodness gracious, how are you allowed to carry a gun?
Your bird death ray is ready.
It's not a death ray.
It's just a little ultrasonic blast to scare him off.
Yet, trust me, if I had a death ray, I wouldn't be living here.
I'd be in my lair enjoying the money the people of Earth gave me for not using my death ray.
All right, and in three, two, one...
That is one tough birdie.
This is ridiculous.
I'm a grown man from Texas.
This isn't a terrifying bird like a swan or a goose.
It's just a blue jetty.
That's a pretty big blue jay.
One, two, three.
Burden the apartment!
No!
I know it all feels overwhelming right now, but I promise you, things will settle down.
There's no Earl Grey, you filthy liar!
Hey, is Penny here?
No, why?
I wanted to show her my latest creation.
I give you... Dr. Amy Farrah Fowler.
Wow, Amy, you look amazing.
Thank you.
Sheldon, what do you think?
I like you better the way you were.
But she looks beautiful.
Classic lines, colors that complement her skin tone and hair that goes from office to on the town in minutes.
I don't care.
Put it back.
I like the way I look.
Well, I don't!
My fault.
I was out of Earl Grey.
What are you doing?
Eating, reading, watching television, listening to the radio.
What is a lamb doing?
Asparagus?
I thought you hate asparagus.
I thought so too, but I also thought super asymmetry was a good idea, so what else am I wrong about?
Oh, so now you're reevaluating every opinion you've ever had?
Yes.
I am following the example of 17th century philosopher René Descartes.
He subjected all his beliefs to radical doubt so that he could build a bedrock belief and build his cognitive life back up on firm principles.
Oh, deliaki, deliaki.
Sheldon, I know you're upset about the paper, okay?
I'm upset too.
I mean, I was so sure we were right.
Every fiber of my being felt like this was it.
This was the one.
How can I trust my instincts anymore?
Well, just because our theory was wrong, that doesn't mean you're wrong about everything.
Doesn't it?
You know, I've always thought I hated jazz.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe it's great to hear all the notes at once.
I'm trying.
I'm really trying.
Someone touched my board.
Oh, God, my board.
Leonard?
Leonard!
Hey, what's the matter?
My equations.
Someone's tampered with my equations.
Are you sure?
Of course I'm sure.
Look at the beta function of quantum chromodynamics.
The sign's been changed.
Oh, yeah.
But doesn't that fix the problem you've been having?
Are you insane?
Are you out of your mind?
Hey, look, that fixes the problem I've been having.
You're welcome.
You did this?
Yeah, I noticed it when I got up to get a glass of water, so I fixed it and now you can show that corks are asymptotically free at high energies.
Pretty cool, huh?
Cool?
Cool?
Listen, I gotta get to the lab.
Thanks for a great night.
Thank you.
I'll see you at work.
Hold on.
Hold on.
What?
Who told you you could touch my board?
No one.
Yeah, I don't come into your house and touch your board.
There are no incorrect equations on my board.
Oh, that is so, so...
I'm sorry, I gotta run.
If you come up with an adjective, text me.
Inconsiderate.
That is the adjective.
Inconsiderate.
What's wrong?
I've made a horrible mistake.
What are you talking about?
This table.
It's in square centimeters.
I read it as square meters.
Do you know what that means?
That Americans can't handle the metric system?
Amy, I was off by a factor of 10,000.
But the Chinese team found the element.
Yeah, well, they shouldn't have.
My calculations were wrong.
There must be some resonance between the elements I didn't know about.
So you just got lucky?
Sheldon Cooper does not get lucky.
You and me both, brother.
It doesn't matter.
The element was found because of you, and that's groundbreaking.
What matters is the greatest scientific achievement of my life is based on a blunder.
I'm not a genius.
I'm a fraud.
You know Sheldon, in neuroscience we're forever finding something in one part of the brain that we thought was someplace else.
Oh, great.
Now I'm worse than a fraud.
I'm practically a biologist.
Day two.
It's 2.25 a.m. and I feel the urge to urinate.
My normal urination time is 7.10 a.m.
But here I am in the middle of the night struggling to keep my mind sharp and my pajamas dry.
It's only a matter of time before my tenuous grasp on reality fades.
I suppose I should pee while I still know what a toilet is.
Since when do you hum songs?
What are you talking about?
Just humming.
Are you sure?
Sometimes when my brain really gets moving, it makes noise.
How does your brain feel about calculating the surface tension of the domain walls?
Let's see.
I was humming.
One point for Hufflepuff.
What song is that?
Well, hum it again.
Is that the SpongeBob song?
Who lives in a pineapple?
No.
Whatever.
Can we just get back to this?
I feel like I know what song that is, but I can't put my finger on it.
My country, tis of thee.
No.
It's just a near worm.
It'll come to you.
Okay.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T.
No.
Is this what we're doing the rest of the night?
I'm surprised you have to ask.
If I'm wrong, prove it.
Okay.
Here's where we derive the mass of the dark matter particle.
No, no, no.
You've misstated the atomic weight of the target.
Let me finish defacing my work.
I'm not defacing it.
I'm fixing it.
Give me the eraser.
No.
I said give it to me.
Come and get it.
Fine.
Dr. Kuntrapalli is your superior.
I forbid you from riding on my board.
You are not my superior.
I am in every way.
Oh, yeah?
Can you do this?
Nice working with you.
I'm sorry.
For you.
Here you go.
Fresh from the cleaners.
Good as new.
Really?
Great.
Sheldon, look.
Good as new.
From that key maker, I highly doubt it.
Come on, Sheldon.
Just give it a try.
All right.
There.
Nice and comfy cozy.
Zero, zero, zero.
There's one more zero.
You forgot the time parameter.
Sit on the damn couch.
Nope.
What do you mean, nope?
What's wrong with it?
Nothing.
It's what's wrong with him.
It's exactly the same.
Penny, Penny.
I think I know what to do.
Shelton, I have some bad news.
More?
I'm afraid so.
You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
Yes, from Szechuan Palace.
Szechuan Palace closed two years ago.
What?
Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Golden Dragon.
No.
Oh, this isn't right.
Our food always comes in Szechuan Palace containers.
Yeah, well, before they went out of business, I bought 4,000 containers.
I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Oh, this changes everything.
I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
What's real?
What isn't?
How can I know?
You did make that up, right?
I wish I had.
Leonard?
Yeah, buddy?
I still don't like this cushion.
There are a million great vacations you could take.
What about Hawaii?
Hawaii is a former leper colony on top of an active volcano where the disappointing ending to Lost was filmed.
Mahalo for nothing, Hawaii.
How about Florida?
They got Cape Canaveral.
They got Disney.
They got my Aunt Ida and the world's largest collection of diabetic candy.
Plus, if you get sweaty enough, her plastic-covered furniture is like a flume ride.
My family took a trip to Florida when I was a child.
A seagull stole a hot dog from me on the beach.
I got the message.
You know, if I had a week off, I'd go back to the Two Bunch Palms resort and spa in the desert.
I tell you.
And I'll be on the massage table with Trevor, and you'll feel like you were born without bones.
I don't think I could ever let a guy give me a massage.
Really?
What was I doing to your neck last night while you were playing Xbox?
I'm living in a dictatorship.
You must take a vacation.
You must have fun.
You must enjoy life.
I don't think you have a good handle on dictatorships.
What the hell are you doing?
You said I'm not using my space, so I'm using it.
Okay, you need to move now.
No, I don't.
You can't stay there forever.
Actually, I have a plastic baggie strapped to my leg that says I can.
Give up, Wolowitz.
You've chosen to tangle with a superior intellect you can't defeat.
There is nothing you could possibly do to...
Those aren't going to help you, Sheldon.
Oh, yes, they are.
I mean, what?
I'm warning you, Sheldon.
Your threats are empty.
Nothing can move me.
Stop that.
Get out of my spot.
That's it.
I am calling campus security.
You prepare for the scolding of your life.
What are you idiots doing?
He's trying to kill me, Leonard.
Video games and rock music have desensitized him to violence.
Would you please talk some sense into your lunatic roommate?
They're both acting like lunatics.
It's just a parking spot.
It's not just a parking spot.
He can't handle the fact that I'm a bigger deal than he is now.
Oh, preposterous.
I have been solely responsible for this university's six-loop quantum gravity calculations.
I have changed the way we think about Bose-Einstein condensates.
And I am also the one who got Nutter Butters in the cafeteria vending machine.
And maybe you missed that news while you're floating around like a goof in outer space.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do.
Can you believe this guy?
What I don't believe is that you tried to run him over.
Oh, like you've never thought of doing that.
Don't hate me just because I lived the dream.
Hey, sweet ride.
What are you doing in there?
Just breaking in your new car.
Stop that.
You stop that.
You know what they say.
Revenge is a dish best served nude.
Leonard, are you in the shower?
I can't hear you.
I'm in the shower.
I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now.
What?
Moot rendered unimportant by recent events.
I can't hear you.
I'm in the shower.
I have to skip the chit-chat.
Emergency.
What kind of emergency?
Mathematical.
32-ounce banana smoothie, 16-ounce bladder.
You might not want to do that.
I assure you I do.
Sheldon, I'm not alone in here.
What?
Hello, Sheldon.
What are you doing in there?
She can't be in here.
We were in here first.
You can't be in here.
According to the roommate agreement, paragraph nine, subsection B, the right to bathroom privacy is suspended in the event of force majeure.
And believe me, I'm experiencing a very majeure force.
Come on, you can't wait two minutes.
Leonard, let the man be.
Penny, Penny, Penny.
What?
Move, move, move.
