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Hey fam, I'm Simone Boyce.
I'm Danielle Robay.
And we're the host of The Bright Side, the podcast from Hello Sunshine that's guaranteed
to light up your day.
Like our recent episode with fellow podcast host and sports journalist, Carrie Champion.
The making it starts to subside, that doesn't become the goal anymore.
The goal is am I really being responsible with what I have been given?
Listen to The Bright Side from Hello Sunshine on the I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or
wherever you get your podcasts.
It's like a police knew who he was before they got here.
From I Heart Podcasts.
The medical school dean at USC was leading a secret double life.
A story about money, power and corruption.
When people fall in line, they fall in line.
Looking back, I realized, oh, everyone did.
I'm Paul Pringle, an investigative reporter for the LA Times.
Binge the full season of Fallen Angels, a story of California Corruption.
Now on The I Heart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hello, everybody.
And welcome back to The Psychology of Your 20s.
The podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our
20s.
And what they mean for our psychology.
Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast.
New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we break down the psychology
of our 20s.
Today, we're talking about something that we've actually never spoken about on the podcast
before, which is honestly shocking because when it comes to our 20s, one of the universal
relatable joint experiences of people during this decade is living with other people.
Is the sharehouse communal living, flattening, whatever you want to call it?
And a lot about that experience is deeply psychological, how we learn to live with others,
how we communicate our relationships, the conflict, the tension, the psychology is really
everywhere in that dynamic.
I think our 20s are often that time for many of us when we take the leap to move out of
our childhood home, our family home, and really forge kind of our own independent lives.
It's a huge hallmark of this decade.
I guess we just outgrow the family environment.
We don't feel like a child anymore.
We want our own space.
And often the most kind of economically viable option is to move in with a group of other
people our own age.
I think not only is that sometimes the only thing we can afford, that's be real, but a lot
of this is that these are people that we share the same lifestyle with.
And it's kind of like a right of passage, such a valuable social experience to see how
we live with others, to maybe make lifelong friends, to build our own community that is separate
from the family unit.
But it's also not that straightforward.
I've been living in shareholders or dorms with roommates since I was 17, so for the last
seven years, that is way too long.
And of course I think like anyone who has done their time, I have some stories.
We might romanticize this way of living and the chaos and the group dinners and the movie
nights, whatever it may be.
But the people we choose to live with are sometimes the most important people in our lives.
And so it's kind of make or break, depending on how well we actually get along.
We are sharing a home together, which if you think about it, is like the most sacred space
that a human can have.
It is our place of comfort, of safety, of security.
We sleep under the same roof as these people.
We see them constantly and their choices impact our quality of life.
There was actually one piece of research published on this in 2016 and it indicates that the
people who we live with impact everything from our eating habits, our exercise habits,
our sleeping habits in both a positive and a negative direction, particularly through
things like peer pressure or observational learning and the adoption of like communal
values.
And depending on your experience, that can actually be really great.
We can become really thick and fast friends.
For example, in Korea, they surveyed nearly a thousand young single adults living in
share housing and they found that people who were living with a roommate reported feeling
less lonely and more socially supported.
So there are definitely a lot of benefits.
But when that turns sour, when we're met with conflict, different personalities, different
standards for cleanliness, when we move in with friends and we begin to see a different
side of someone now that we share a bathroom or a kitchen with them, that is when I think
the share house truly becomes a real like psychological peatry dish.
Conflict or tension in a home has a massive effect on our mental well-being and there have
been so many studies, articles, research projects on this, particularly amongst young adults.
Because if you think about it, you're basically putting two, three, four, sometimes more people
together in a small environment, all of whom have different backgrounds, expectations,
lifestyles, and we're just kind of praying that it works.
And so a share house is kind of its own social experiment on how relationships are formed,
how we communicate, how we interact, how relationships break down.
And that is really what I want to explore today.
We are going to discuss what makes a good roommate, different types of roommates, the four
different types of roommates and living styles, the dilemma of kind of moving in with friends
and also what causes social harmony to break down when you are in a share house.
I also want to talk about what psychology has to say about creating a positive space,
being a good roommate, dealing with conflict in the home, and also being able to recognize
that moment when it is time to move out, when it is time to live alone.
I think I'm getting to that point now.
I've done my time, I've done my hours, I've had this share house experience, and I really
just want to come home and not talk to anyone at this point.
I kind of want to watch whatever I want to watch on TV and not have to like time my showers
around other people.
So I think I might only have like a few more months to actually be able to talk about
this properly from like a lived experience, and that's what we're going to do today.
So without further ado, I think it's about time we break down all of the psychology
to do with communal living, share houses, and roommates.
So let's get into it.
I love being able to talk about brands that I use on the podcast, and this is a brand
that I've been personally using for over five years.
Our sponsor, Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies, are specifically formulated
for women. They contain 16 vitamins and minerals, including the full B vitamin complex to help
you convert food into fuel.
They also have calcium and vitamin D to support bone health and healthy hair, skin and nails.
And for those of you who may be watching your sugar intake, they now have a zero sugar
version made with plant-based sweetness, including stevia extract and monk fruit extract.
With just two delicious gummies, Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies are an
easy way to feel like your best self every day.
To learn more, visit naturesway.com slash jema and use code jema10 at checkout for 10% of
any alive women's multivitamins, terms and conditions apply valid through June 30th.
My name is Curly, and I'm Maya.
And welcome to the Super Secret Besty Club.
A Super Secret Club where we talk about super secret things.
Yeah, like secrets that are super.
That's when it is.
In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreak, men, and of course, our favorite
secrets.
Get in here!
How's your spirit?
My spirit is, it's popping.
I was like, text your ax, I'm like, touch the flame.
Ego will have you crying over a closed door that had nothing behind it.
And I say, be yourself, have fun, and have a good giggle.
Listen to the Super Secret Besty Club as part of the Michael Thura Podcast Network available
on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.
Get emotional with me, Radeh Devluke, in my new podcast, A Really Good Cry.
We're going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult
to process alone.
We're going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal
development, and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
We're going to be talking with some of my best friends.
I didn't know we were going to go there.
I'm in there.
People that I admire, when we say listen to your body, really tune into what's going on.
Authors, a book that have changed my life.
Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
And basically, have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call
life.
I already believe in myself.
I already see myself.
And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh great, you see me too.
We'll laugh together, we'll cry together, and find a way through all of our emotions.
Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
Listen to a really good cry with Radeh Devluke on the iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever
you get your podcasts.
I'm Tamika Di Mallory.
And it's your boy, my son, in general.
And we are your host of TMI, New Year, New Name, New Energy, but...
Say more.
And catch us every Wednesday on the Black defect network, breaking down social and civil rights
issues, pop culture and politics in hopes of pushing our culture forward to make the world
a better place for generations to come.
But that's not all.
We will also have special guests to add their thoughts on the topics, as well as break
down different political issues with local activists in their community.
If you like to be informed and to expand your thoughts, listen to TMI on the Black defect
podcast network iHeartRadio app Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcast.
That's right.
To move to share housing from the family home, whether you're living with complete strangers
or friends, whoever, it's really exciting.
Like we can't overstate the anticipation and like fun of getting to buy your own bowls
and picking out your bed sheets and being able to have a space that is your own and separate
from your parents and your siblings, whoever else is in your house.
It honestly just feels like super adult.
It's like one of those experiences I think we look at and we're like, oh yeah, this is
the point where I felt like I was actually mature enough to call myself an adult human being.
Then I think the social element of it is also super appealing, especially when you live
with friends.
It's like summer camp or a sleepover every night of the week.
It's the freedom that many of us I think have been aspiring towards since we were children.
It's kind of similar to having your own money.
You get a space where you can live your life exactly how you would like it.
So I have this theory that the first six months of communal living are like the honeymoon period.
It is the buzz of new things, of new relationships or at least a new dimension to a relationship
if you're living with friends and this really new environment.
But I think after that six months period is when the reality of like constantly having
to share your space with someone who was not related to your sinks in.
The biggest thing we have to adapt to is different living styles because each of us has grown
up in a certain unique environment, expecting certain levels of cleanliness, different rules,
times that we want to rest, times that we want to socialize.
People just use their spaces differently.
They treat them differently based on the home environment of their childhood.
It's really interesting because there's been research on this and it's shown that how
your parents organized a home is going to be one of the biggest determinants for how you
choose to treat your future living spaces.
And it is natural, normal for those there to be kind of differences across people.
The biggest one for me is the level of mess that we are willing to tolerate.
I have noticed this in my own sharehouses and with my roommates where there is a distinction
between wanting things tidy and wanting things clean.
Some people just don't care if the floors aren't vacuumed or the couches are a little bit
dirty as long as there are no personal items in a communal space.
But others are totally fine with a certain level of untightiness as long as the house is
sanitized.
And then there are the housemates, the unique housemates who just don't care, who are
happy to live in absolute squilla.
I often see this as a reaction to three things.
Firstly, for these individuals who really don't care about mess or cleanliness, that was
the standard that their parents set.
Whereby they also didn't really care about living amongst, I'm not going to say filth,
but just like living amongst mess.
Maybe it's because yeah, they just really, they were completely apathetic to it or be
they were too busy to deal with it.
And so because that person has never known any differently because they have adjusted
to this lifestyle, they bring that to the sharehouse, they bring that to the environment.
I had a roommate once who was so revolting, he would use like all of the glasses in
our house for coffee and wine and beer, whatever.
And then he would refuse to clean them.
And so we stopped cleaning them as well, we were like, I don't want to be, you're like
servant anymore, almost in like protest.
Until every, I kid you not, every single glass in our house had like a layer of mold at
the bottom.
We couldn't even use them.
Eventually, I actually, I took all of the glasses over to my friend's house.
I put them through their dishwasher, brought them home and hid them from him.
And I told my other roommates like where they were.
And for like weeks, we would have like a glass of water or whatever.
We would finish, we would wash our glass and just like put it back in its hiding place until
he kind of had to like come back to us with his like tail between his legs.
There's just people like that who like do not care about filth.
The second reaction is whereby we have these people who have grown up in a really strict
household where the level of clendiness was like almost hospital like and they move
out of home and experience like a complete reversal in habits.
They finally have like the freedom to treat their space as they would like it.
And so they unconsciously counteract what was previously expected of them by going in the
complete entire opposite direction.
It's almost like a delayed childhood rebellion against the rules that were upheld by their
parents.
And also there's the other element of you know no one's asking them to be clean anymore.
No one's asking them to keep their space tidy.
And so they no longer have the motivation to self-enforce those levels of clendiness.
It's really interesting because this is actually a concept in psychology.
It's known as the rebellion of the over criticised child.
But in these instances often what we see is people who skip their childhood and teenage
rebellion stage because the family environment was so strict but then that emerges in adulthood
when they start living with others almost as a form of like emotional catharsis or release
from the pressure they experienced as a child.
And finally there are situations in which one roommate has such a high standard for
clendiness that they are just willing to do all the work to keep their environment as
they would like it.
And that results in what we would call freeloading by the other members of the house.
So freeloading is actually an economics term whereby we see people take advantage of
other people's generosity or efforts.
Sometimes unconsciously they've just come to expect this from the other person.
Sometimes they like engage in the delusion that oh yeah my roommate claims because it makes
them happy or they don't even notice yet they still benefit from this person's like additional
labour in the house.
I like to call this type of roommate the Cinderella roommate.
Obviously in the fairy tale Cinderella Cinderella is the one who keeps everything clean in the
background.
She does all the washing all the sweeping the dishes for her step sisters without any appreciation.
I would say that most houses have a Cinderella and often these people are also very deep
people pleases.
So they won't say anything until it kind of like boils over and explodes or they just
become so resigned to the mess that they let everything get disgusting and then even
more frustrated when nobody does anything whilst the other roommates don't really like pick
up on that and they're just waiting expecting this person to eventually get to a point
of like such deep frustration that they'll just go back to cleaning everything all over
again.
It's super unfair.
It is super unfair and I think the existence of a Cinderella points to a very important
psychological truth about share houses.
Each roommate is going to take on a certain social role in the house.
The same way that each of us takes on a role in the family home and those roles sometimes
are going to come into conflict.
So the best way to understand this I think is through this theory called the style of
life theory.
This was originally introduced by the psychiatrist Alfred Adler.
He might know him because he coined the term inferiority complex but he also came up
with this theory that each of us has a unique unconscious and repetitive way of responding
to or avoiding the main tasks of life.
That includes friendships, love, work, behavior or relationships in the home.
Obviously, he wasn't applying this theory to like the relationship between roommates
in the 21st century but when we take his core ideas they have a lot of applicability.
So there are four styles or roles that we can take on in the share home.
So there's the ruling type.
This person is the leader.
They might take care of the bills.
Maybe they were like the OG housemate or renter.
They feel more of a sense of like possessiveness or control over the home.
They are more liberal with using communal spaces.
They host parties.
It kind of feels like it's their home.
Then we have the getting type.
The ones who don't really do anything they take rather than give.
They take advantage of the other members in the house.
We have the avoiding type.
The one who is kind of like never there who like very much doesn't take part in sharehouse
activities.
Kind of stays out of conflict, stays out of the way is a bit of a ghost and finally
we have the socially useful type.
This is very similar to the Cinderella archetype.
They kind of contribute more than all the others but they're also more likely to have like
a social interest in keeping the pace and they really like like a certain level of social
activity.
Each of us in a share house takes on one of these roles.
It's really interesting because I know which one I am and I'm pretty sure I could easily
assign every single roommate I've ever had to one of these roles.
Easily.
You don't have to be a house in four.
You can be a house of two or three or five or six because some people can take on the
same role but also there can be people who only take on one role and there is one left
out.
I think that this theory is one of the best psychological explanations for why we have
different share house or roommate like personalities and archetypes.
Beyond these kinds of prototypes, I've already mentioned it but we have the kind of added
nuance of personality.
Each of us is going to come to the table not just with a different background and a different
set of standards but a different set of attributes and personality traits which kind of influence
how easy it really is that people to get along with you.
I often think about this according to the big five personality traits in psychology so
these are openness, conscientiousness, extroversion, agreeableness and neuroticism.
Out of those five kind of big five personality traits, each of us sits somewhere along the
spectrum of each of them.
If you've ever done the Maya Breaks personality test, you can kind of based on this combination
determine what kind of person you are and also what kind of person you're going to be
in a communal environment like maybe you are the entertainer or the executive or the mediator,
the debate or the commander.
I don't know which one you are but that individual personality profile is going to contribute
to the dynamic.
Personally, I believe that the best combination for a roommate is someone who is conscientious,
honest, open to experience, agreeable and hopefully low on neuroticism which means that they
are emotionally stable and they deal with stress well.
And one of the worst combinations is someone who we would call high conflict.
I think we all have an idea of what a high conflict individual looks like.
We've probably all met one.
This is someone who loves drama and they have this pattern of increasing tension, increasing
like the mellow drama of an environment rather than reducing it or resolving it.
This pattern usually happens over and over again in many different situations with many
different people.
They blame others, they don't care about boundaries, they never feel like they've done anything
wrong.
They are extreme and they always prefer to prioritize themselves over like the collective
well-being and comfort of the home.
For example, I had a roommate like this who would throw parties all the time and I honestly
got to the point where I think he just enjoyed us getting angry at him.
Like he liked being the villain in the house for some weird neurological psychological
reason.
I think some people are just more conflict prone compared to others, those of us who
are conflict averse running away from disagreements or frustration.
But honestly, either end of that spectrum is equally harmful when we're talking about
living in a shared home.
Obviously, it's extremely difficult to live with someone who has no respect for other
people and is always wanting to argue.
But then we also have that roommate who is mad about something, is annoyed at doing
all the cleaning or people not paying bills on time and they say nothing about it.
They keep it to themselves but it shows up in other ways like they stonewall you or they
I see out.
I think it's hard because the people we live with don't have the same conflict style as
us but also sometimes when we don't have the same comfort as we would with a family
member.
So we feel really awkward bringing things up.
You know, perhaps if it's a stranger and you just feel like it would be really inappropriate
to have those kinds of conversations or even worse is when they are a friend and we worry
that a small disagreement to do with like house upkeep or lifestyles or whatever is going
to impact our relationship as friends beyond our relationship as roommates.
This brings me to I think one of my biggest points moving in with friends.
This is such a big risk.
Let me just tell you that now I also think that it is a mistake that I've made in the
past but I've also had really great success stories.
I lived with two of my closest friends for almost two years.
We never had a single problem because our lifestyles, our expectations for each other,
our communication styles, they all lined up.
But I think sometimes we want to live with friends more than strangers because of that
familiarity, right?
It feels like less of a risk because we already know that you know like we at least like this
person.
But there's also an equal risk that moving in together is going to cost you the relationship
because it will change the dynamic either by increasing like the intensity of your closeness,
sometimes causing codependency or making it such that small conflicts in the home begin
to affect your bigger relationship as friends.
Living together in a shared environment that you have mutual responsibility towards changes
the dynamic.
When the quarters are that close there is more room for tension like just a small spark
of anger or frustration if it's not taken care of is going to spiral.
And I have friends who I understand I just couldn't live with.
It doesn't mean that I don't love them.
It's just that we acknowledge that our living styles, how much downtime we need, our levels
of cleanliness, they're different.
And putting our relationship in like the absolute pressure cooker that is living together would
be I think disastrous and destructive.
Some of us obviously don't realize that until it's way too late and that's what leads
to conflict.
Conflict in a sharehouse is inevitable the same way that it's inevitable in a workplace
or a family home in a romantic relationship.
And I think the biggest sources in this specific situation are obviously mess roommates who
are just respectful as well when we speak to them about mess.
People not really doing their part, borrowing things without asking first.
People not paying their bills on time or not paying a fair share for commonly used items.
People who are really noisy.
And then people who are really really controlling of the environment.
Once again, a lot of this comes down to not just personality differences of course, but
differences in how we were raised.
And when that bubbles up, it becomes really unpleasant and it can actually have really
serious consequences for our mental health.
There have been countless studies on this because we understand that there is an important
relationship between our living environment and our mental state or our emotional well-being.
Like, it is our place of rest.
It's our home.
It's where we should feel most calm and safe.
But when that environment is disturbed or not to our liking, we see massive consequences.
People who are fighting with their roommates no longer feel the sense of security that
they need from their home environment.
We don't feel like we are allowed to relax or be ourselves in the home.
And if we can't do those things in our house, where are we going to do that?
We never have a time or a place to turn off, to switch off.
The worst case of this is when it's not just that it gets to the point of full on blow
outs, but when it gets to the point where people are completely avoiding each other in
common spaces.
It's like they're playing an unspoken game of hide and seek with each other.
It feels like you're a stranger in your own home.
You're constantly locked in your room.
Your anxiety is spiked.
You feel hyper-vigilant or stressed whenever you perceive that there is a threat in the
environment.
Right?
You're cooking dinner and then suddenly this person walks in.
And you don't say anything to each other.
And it's awkward and it's painful.
Another story for you guys once again about dirty dishes man.
Because he is obviously infamous when it comes to my share house experiences.
But by the end of living together, we would go entire weeks without speaking a word to
the other person.
And at that point, we lived in a three bedroom house with five people in it and it was during
COVID.
So it wasn't like we didn't see each other.
But it got to the point where he had just overstepped.
So many boundaries he had caused so much pain and obviously didn't respect the other people
living in the house that there was no point trying to repair what was broken or even be
civil about it.
And in those situations, you kind of have three options.
Right?
Either you move out, they move out, or you swallow your pride and you get to the bottom of
it.
The last option is obviously the hardest because sometimes it feels like once again,
we have to be the bigger person and we're sick of doing that.
We don't want to be the peacemaker all the time or carry the mental load.
So we just become resigned to how things are and that's when the house starts to crumble.
Because there is no longer that not just positive but transparent communication.
And I think if you don't set that up at the beginning, if you don't feel that routine
of talking about your problems, if you don't set those ground rules, when the time does
come, that frustration, tension, conflict does emerge.
You're kind of going into it with no rulebook or really no understanding of the other person's
expectations or perspective.
So what I really want to discuss next is how we can actually make it so we never get
to that point, how we can have a positive share house experience, the dream, share house
experience, all of that and more after this short break.
I love being able to talk about brands that I use on the podcast and this is a brand
that I've been personally using for over five years.
Our sponsor, Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies, are specifically formulated
for women.
They contain 16 vitamins and minerals, including the full B vitamin complex to help you convert
food into fuel.
They also have calcium and vitamin D to support bone health and healthy hair skin and nails.
And for those of you who may be watching your sugar intake, they now have a zero sugar
version made with plant-based sweetness, including stevia extract and monk fruit extract.
With just two delicious gummies, Nature's Way Alive Women's Multivitamin Gummies are
an easy way to feel like your best self every day.
To learn more, visit nature's Way.com slash Gemma and use code Gemma10 at checkout for
10% of any Alive Women's Multivitamins.
Terms and conditions apply valid through June 30th.
My name is Curly and I'm Maya and welcome to the Super Secret Bestie Club.
A Super Secret Club where we talk about super secret things.
Yeah, like secrets that are super.
That's when it is.
In each episode, we'll talk about love, friendship, heartbreak, men, and of course, our favorite
secrets.
Get in here!
How's your spirit?
My spirit is, it's popping.
I was like, text your ex, I'm like, touch the blame.
Ego will have you crying over a closed door that had nothing behind it.
And I say, be yourself, have fun and have a good giggle.
Listen to the Super Secret Bestie Club as part of the Michael Thura Podcast Network available
on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
Parents, if you've ever experienced bedtime battles with the kids, I'm going to let
you into a little secret.
I'm Abby, a mother of two and I had these battles myself.
Endless excuses, delay tactics, and many tears and tantrums.
But I've created a solution.
The perfect kids podcast that makes bedtime a dream.
It's called Koala Moon and it's hosted by me, Abby.
With over 300 episodes packed with original stories and sleep meditations, Koala Moon
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Episodes start out engaging and really rather magical, but as they progress, they gently
slow to a calm and relaxing pace to have your little ones out like a light.
Since launching in 2022, Koala Moon has helped with over 20 million night sleep.
And received over 6,000 five star reviews.
Win back your evenings.
Listen to Koala Moon now on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your
podcasts.
Get emotional with me, Radeh Devluke, in my new podcast, a really good cry.
We're going to talk about and go through all the things that are sometimes difficult
to process alone.
We're going to go over how to regulate your emotions, diving deep into holistic personal
development and just building your mindset to have a happier, healthier life.
We're going to be talking with some of my best friends.
I didn't know we were going to go there.
I'm in there.
I'm in there.
People that I admire when we say listen to your body really tune into what's going on.
All Thursday books that have changed my life.
Now you're talking about sympathy, which is different than empathy.
And basically, I have conversations that can help us get through this crazy thing we call
life.
I already believe in myself.
I already see myself.
And so when people give me an opportunity, I'm just like, oh great, you see me too.
We'll laugh together, we'll cry together and find a way through all of our emotions.
Never forget, it's okay to cry as long as you make it a really good one.
Listen to a really good cry with Radee de Bluke here on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts
or wherever you get your podcasts.
So let's talk about what it means to be a good roommate and the ways we can hopefully
avoid that kind of all-too-common experience of the sharehouse going up in flames.
Like not literal flames, emotional flames.
We want to be on speaking terms with the people who live in our home.
We want to avoid the silent treatment or breaking the lease or a million other less than
ideal ways that this can end.
So the first app really begins before you even sign the lease, right?
Like the biggest error people make is not actually asserting their standards beforehand.
The standards for cleanliness, for a loan time, for noise, for bills, for splitting expenses,
for even minor things like when are you going to turn the aircon on during the year or
the heating?
Every point of ambiguity is a potential point of conflict.
My dad actually gave me this incredible tip when I first moved into a sharehouse.
He told me that we need to sit down, all of us, write out our house rules and everyone
had to agree, everyone had to sign off on the rules, and then they went on the fridge
and they were basically never discussed again unless someone quote unquote broke the rules.
Then it was never a discussion of like, oh I didn't know, oh I was confused.
They had agreed to the rules, they'd broken them consciously, they'd broken the like
roommate contract, and obviously it was then up to them to apologize and make up for
it.
There are though sometimes some people who believe that rules are need to be broken.
I think in those instances when you have a roommate like that, instead of just like pushing
again and again and reminding them again and again and just becoming exhausted when they
don't listen, the trick is to find out what this person actually cares about, what causes
them to act in a certain way.
There is something that matters to them and if you can link the behavior that you need
from them with what matters to them, then you have a chance to actually make something
happen.
For example, if they are someone who really likes or needs the approval of others, make
it known that when they keep things tidy it makes you really happy and appreciative.
Maybe it's that they have a real sense of duty or fairness, really reinforced then like
the duty of being a good roommate.
Maybe it's guilt whatever, find what motivates them and leverage that.
But as the therapist doctor Fitzpatrick said in her incredible article about this, I'll
link it below.
Sometimes there are people who just like are not really caught up in the rules of engagement
here.
They kind of need to be gently reminded that to be humanist to sometimes have to be cooperative
and to compromise.
We often really like to believe in the goodness of others, but sometimes it just encounter
people who have a different agenda.
And we're talking about that level of inconsideration.
Often what's behind that is some sort of resentment, hurt, anger.
It could just be pure laziness because they've been babyed all of their life.
And what you need to do as a house is kind of unfortunately I know it sounds unfair,
but you're the one who now has to help them realize that this is where it stops.
I think it's very rare that you end up living with like a total psychopath.
I don't know, maybe you have a story for me and that has been your experience, but
the majority of people still respond to human emotion.
So if you tell them how their actions have impacted you, how they've left you feeling
disrespected, if they've left you feeling upset, most people don't want to be that person.
They don't want to be the household villain.
That is the wake up call that they need honesty and vulnerability.
And I know it's really hard to put yourself in a position where you have to be vulnerable
with someone, especially if you don't know them, especially if it's a little bit awkward,
but I think vulnerability always has a lot of rewards that come with it.
And you know what, you might not feel like best friends now, but keeping open those
kind of lines of communication when you're living under the same roof is really essential.
If you are the one though, who is the source of frustration, you have been told that
you are not pulling your fair share, you're not contributing, you're not keeping things clean.
Remember, this is not them expressing unconditional anger at you.
They are speaking to you about this in order to give you an opportunity to improve and
adjust.
The worst thing we can do is interpret boundary setting and like basic respectful discussion
as an insult or a takedown as a criticism and allow ourselves to react from a place of
defensiveness.
That is when we see irreparable conflict.
When we feel threatened or confronted, often our first primal instinct is to defend ourselves
at all costs by minimizing the other person's feelings, feeling like they are unjustified
or really digging our heels in.
It's very primitive and psychologists often point to the role of our self-esteem in those
moments where we don't want to feel like we're a bad person, so to regulate that cognitive
dissonance, we put the problem back on someone else.
That instinct is not helping you.
In fact, I would argue that it's highly counterproductive in this situation.
Instead accept accountability in those moments.
Make a plan to be better, make a plan to hold yourself accountable that doesn't disturb
the peace any further.
Because we all have a shared goal here, right?
We have a shared goal of peace and harmony.
And I know that sounds cheesy, but honestly that is what we all want at the end of the
day to be able to come home to our home and feel like it's fun and feel like it's that
we're meant to be there and feel safe.
That brings me to my next tip.
So you don't have to be best friends with someone just because you live in the same home.
It doesn't hurt by any means to have some kind of social contact.
Familiarity is such an amazing bonding, emotion and experience.
You don't want to be the avoiding type.
You don't want to live in a house of ghosts where the silence is super deafening and it's
really, really lonely.
So I think frequent casual contact, social contact is a really nice way to just bond and
stay friendly with each other.
We used to do Sunday dinners each week and everyone was responsible for some part of the
meal and then we would play board games and have a wine and just chat or go to trivia
and bingo, host parties together.
And then it didn't feel like we were just all these strangers who had suddenly been placed
in a house together and had to just find a way to get along.
We could actually be friends, we could actually turn to one another.
So I'm not going to talk about cleaning rosters or anything to do with bills or splitting
things because I think we know the drill, right?
Like I feel like that is something we will have a pretty good understanding of.
But I do have two final tips.
Firstly, don't form groups within the house.
Don't gossip about one house member solely with another member of the house.
Bring up your grievances in person because you don't want to create a collective enemy
here.
It's shit for everybody.
You don't want to exclude someone.
Like I've had share houses or friends and share houses where there's been like three
members of the house and two of them have become super close and just excluded the third
person.
Don't be that person.
It's giving high school bully.
It keeps people isolated and it builds resentment.
And secondly, don't and I mean do not sleep with your roommates.
We have all heard the horror stories here.
The second you cross that platonic line, all rules disappear, all boundaries are gone.
It's like you've basically moved in together after your first date.
Not a great start for a healthy relationship if that's what you want and if it's not what
you want, then it's just really awkward because then suddenly your other roommates feel
like they're living with this couple that has this weird like past or not quite a couple
at all.
There's so much that can go wrong.
There's other people involved.
You never get the space you need when you've just started out like bad idea.
Please trust me on this.
So our final discussion point for the day is when do you know it's time to leave the
share house life behind and live alone?
I really believe that everyone should live at loan at least once and I know it's such
a privilege to say that but if it is within your means the benefits are really endless.
You learn to value your own company, you decide exactly how you want to live, you have that
independence and autonomy of your space.
I think although the solid should can sometimes be really scary and that's a reason why a lot
of us don't do it, it's also really important to do scary things every now and again and
to prove to yourself that you're capable of loving your own life, loving your own company,
loving your own space.
When you live alone you have that time to really focus on who you are.
I think it leads to a lot of increased self awareness because you're not just able
to distract yourself with very convenient like social interaction.
It also comes down to what you're willing to kind of compromise.
Do you decision or change like this inevitably comes with sacrifice but do you have, you
know, but it's about really what you value.
It's about what you're willing to give up for the benefits.
Like do you value your loan time more or the convenience of company?
Would giving up that built in social interaction be harder for you than having to give up a
certain level of privacy and autonomy?
It's really an equation that only you can do, a decision only you can make, but I do
think there are some pretty big signs that you are, you're ready to take that leap.
Firstly, you have the financial means to do it.
That's just like a number one point here.
You have to do like a big financial overhaul I think, bit of an audit, bit of an investigation
and just make sure you actually have enough leeway to be able to afford a solo lifestyle
because it naturally will be more expensive. You don't want to live by yourself for like
seven months, realize you can no longer afford it and have to go back, but you've already
like gotten a taste of like of a sweeter fruit.
You've already like begun to adapt to this kind of way of living and suddenly you're back
in like the share house with like four people who don't know how to wash their dishes.
Secondly, another reason is if you are increasingly irritated by the presence of others, you find
yourself hermiting, you're avoiding your roommates.
Thirdly, if you have the social supports and like the social circle to enable you to spend
more time just alone in your home without feeling disconnected, do you need more space
for yourself?
Like it's just literal physical space, like storage space, not emotional space.
E, if your relationship is getting serious and you know that the next step may be to
live together, but you want to have that solo living experience before then.
And finally, if you're just ready for the freedom, that's huge to me at the moment.
As long with that, the reason I gave before like my relationship is getting serious, I'm
kind of like, oh, like we are going to end up living together.
Before we do that, I want to live alone.
I think living alone has always been a really huge goal for me because I have a really
deep fear of being alone and I want to challenge that at least once in my life and stop
letting that fear kind of control me and keep me in a place of depending on other people
for company and comfort, even when actually what I would rather do is just be by myself,
but I'm so like almost addicted to that validation of having other people around me.
That has just gone way too deep.
They're very vulnerable, but honestly, I feel like I'm not the only one who has that
experience.
Share houses as a conclusion can be great, but they're also just inherently a bit of like
a mental laparant and a bit of a hassle at times.
It is like so strangely intimate when you think about it.
The home is normally something reserved for like a family or people who are in love,
and now it's reserved for people who sometimes don't even know each other and suddenly you're
like asleep in the next room.
Like I said, at the beginning, putting a bunch of people in a house and expecting it to
just work is like so implausible, they literally have TV shows about that very premise.
Like that is what big brother is about.
That's like how fascinating it is.
That's how interesting the dynamics get.
So if you're living with roommates now and they're just kind of getting on your nerves,
you're in the midst of some like weird tension, I feel you, we've all been there.
Sometimes it is a dream and it's super fun.
Other times it's just frustrating, but I also think it is an important experience of
about 20s to at least have those moments because then you'll never take your alone time
for granted ever again.
One of my friends said to me, she was like to me, what did she say?
She was like, I want to push myself to the point of like absolutely hating my share housing
so that I never want to go back.
And so that I'm never like in my 30s or 40s being like, oh, I should have spent more time
in my share house.
I think we've all been there.
We've all been at that point.
So I really hope that you enjoyed this episode.
Remember, if you're having a shit time right now, everything is temporary.
And I hope you just like learnt something about how roommates and share houses and communal
spaces operate.
It is so psychological.
It comes down to like so many strange theories about people's personalities and ways of life
and how they were raised.
So it's no wonder that I think so much drama and tension but also so many good times come
from the share house.
So thank you so much for listening.
I think I've already said this but I do really hope that you've enjoyed this episode.
If you have like a roommate horror story, send it my way.
Maybe we'll do like a follow up episode just talking about roommate horror stories.
I feel like I'm also just nosy and I want to I want to know what you guys have been through.
So if you enjoyed this episode and you feel like there is someone else who might benefit
from it, please feel free to share a link with them or leave a five star review wherever
you're listening right now.
I read every single review that is left for me and they're really amazing.
It's such a beautiful point of encouragement, a beautiful part of like my week to have
a little raid and yeah, it's just super lovely that there are so many of you out there who
love this show.
Thank you for supporting me so much recently.
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