John Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show, Ears Edition podcast.
Join late night legend John Stewart and the best news team for today's biggest headlines, exclusive extended interviews and more.
Now this is the second term we can all get behind.
Listen to The Daily Show, Ears Edition on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Do you want to see into the future?
Do you want to understand an invisible force that's shaping your life?
Do you want to experience the frontiers of what makes us human?
On Tech Stuff, we travel from the minds of Congo to the surface of Mars, from conversations with Nobel Prize winners to the depths of TikTok to ask burning questions about technology, from high tech to low culture and everywhere in between.
Join us. Listen to Tech Stuff on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
People, my people, what's up?
This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.
Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season, but, you know, I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.
I mean, we talked to A.
Marie, Johnny Marr, E.
Johnny Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.
Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance.
You've got to check them out.
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hello, everybody, and welcome back to the psychology of your twenties, the podcast where we talk through some of the big life changes and transitions of our twenties and what they mean for our psychology.
Hello everybody, welcome back to the show, welcome back to the podcast, new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode, back for another topic as we break down the psychology of our twenties.
When we think about our twenties, I think there are four things that we worry about more than anything else.
We worry about love, we worry about money, the future, and finally our friendships.
Today we're really going to focus in on that final point there and examine the way that our friendships change during this decade and why despite a lot of the fear and our anxiety and our discomfort, this experience is totally normal.
It's natural and it's going to be okay.
Every one of us has had to witness as someone they were once really close to slowly kind of drifts away, replies to their messages less and less, finds new friends who are maybe better for them whilst you're left feeling a little bit discarded, a little bit unmoored, or maybe you are the friend who has moved
on and you're coming to terms with the realization that you have outgrown the people who are once your closest friends.
The friendship group has disbanded, your friends just got a new partner, there are so many ways that we see our friendships change and it's scary because those relationships are really what hold us up during this decade as we slowly kind of separate away from the security of the family unit and we're
trying to form our own identity.
Having a broad set of friends in those moments to really rely on and call upon is super vital and it's also really vital for our mental health.
There's been so many studies that have shown that people who have close friends, close confidants, they're more satisfied with their lives, they're less likely to suffer from depression, they overall just feel happier and in contrast people with poor quality friendships or no friends, they are twice
as likely to die prematurely, of course they suffer increased loneliness, so maintaining a really healthy broad fulfilling network of friendships is undoubtedly important and it's not just about the fact that they provide us with comfort and obviously massive contributors to our health, but friendship
is also just one of the greatest joys in life, right?
There are genuinely friends I consider family who know more about me than any partner of mine ever has who make me laugh like beyond reason.
That connection is so deep that we never want it to fade.
In fact I think we never consider the fact that it might, it will.
That is not where our brain naturally goes to the conclusion of the friendship because unlike romantic relationships I think friendships aren't meant to have an expiry date, they aren't meant to go up in flames, there isn't meant to be a breakup, we're not meant to fall out of love with our friends.
That is kind of the beauty of platonic intimacy and connection, it's meant to outlast a lot of other forms of love.
So it comes as a shock when we begin to notice our relationships really shifting or drifting apart from people or realizing that we have mutually outgrown each other or just need space.
And a lot of the time our instinct is to a blame ourselves or b panic, immediately jump to the worst case scenario, what if I lose all my friends and I end up alone.
We don't give ourselves the grace or the permission in these moments of transition to understand that some friendships just have a shorter life cycle and our friendscape is naturally going to shift with age and time.
And I think that reaction that entire sequence of events and realizations is what we're really talking about today along with all of the psychology that I think comes with watching our friendships change in our twenties.
We are going to explore the why, including the literal scientific formula for friendship, the types of friendship endings from the fizzle to the replacement or the breakup, how intensity may actually shorten the lifespan of our friendships and the impact of simply just entering into a new chapter of your
life and dealing with some of the loneliness that might come along with that.
I think there are a lot of friendship misconceptions that keep us stuck in really, really draining relationships.
You know, what am I a bad person if I don't want to be friends with this person anymore?
Am I toxic because all of my friends have kind of moved away and stopped talking to me?
Am I boring? How am I going to adapt to this new reality?
There is so much to discuss here, especially since I think it is so universal.
It is such an important experience to explore because it is inherently isolating.
So we don't find ourselves talking about it enough, which is to say in the midst of a massive friendship transition that I'm sure we are all experiencing, I really hope this helps you.
I hope that this gives you a sense of guidance.
So without further ado, let's get into the psychology behind why our friendships change and why that is totally okay.
Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show, which means he's also back in our ears on The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.
The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.
You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports, and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors.
The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.
Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Do you want to understand an invisible force that's shaping your life?
I'm Osviloshin, one of the new hosts of the long -running podcast Tech Stuff.
I'm slightly skeptical but obsessively intrigued.
And I'm Kara Price, the other new host, and I'm ready to adopt early and often.
On Tech Stuff, we travel all the way from the minds of Congo to the surface of Mars to the dark corners of TikTok to ask and attempt to answer burning questions about technology.
One of the kind of tricks for surviving Mars is to live there long enough so that people evolve into Martians.
Like data is a very rough proxy for a complex reality.
How is it possible that the world's new energy revolution can be based in this place where there's no electricity at night?
Oz and I will cut through the noise to bring you the best conversations and deep dives that will help you understand how tech is changing our world and what you need to know to survive the singularity.
So join us. Listen to Tech Stuff on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
The forces shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers.
So that's why we created the Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts to give you the context you need to make sense of it all.
Every day in just 15 minutes, we dive into one global business story that matters.
You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine.
A lot of this meme stock stuff is, I think, embarrassing to the SEC.
Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column.
Very few companies who go viral are totally prepared for what that means.
And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter.
Courts are not supposed to decide elections.
Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders.
It's for the voters to decide.
Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you listen.
Good people. What's up?
It's Questo. Questlove.
And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss.
Now, one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody.
Every type of musical lover, we enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements.
Some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and be paved the way for those that followed.
You know, keystones to the culture.
This season, we've had some amazing one -on -one conversations.
Like Umpie Phil chatting up with hitmaker Sam Holland.
Shook at Steve Chatter with the legend, Nick Lowe.
And I've had pleasures in doing one -on -one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matreah, Kathleen Hanna, and the RZA.
These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else.
So make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right?
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get in your podcast.
This past year for me has been a period of like rapid transition.
And with that, there's been this real shift in who I spend my time with, the friendships I have.
And unfortunately, it's required a lot of reflecting on some of the people that I've seen fade away from my life and kind of feeling a little bit like my friendship circle is unbalanced.
The true biggest factors for me, I think in that change has been, firstly, seeing a lot of my friends move away from the city where we kind of all grew to knew each other when we were at university.
We all went to university at Canberra and I was talking to my boyfriend about this the other day.
But I think the reason I've been feeling really isolated is because as we like enter into our, I think early and mid 20s in particular, a lot of people choose to scatter.
A lot of people move away.
And of the people that I'm closest to, one now lives in Paris, one lives in London, one lives in Tasmania, which is like a kind of semi -regional island off of Australia.
You know, one of them is in Nepal and everyone just makes the decision that's best for them.
They move on with their lives.
And that means that each of us is feeling, I think uniquely very isolated.
That distance is naturally going to change kind of the dynamic because you don't have that same proximity and the ease or access to this other person.
It requires more of an investment.
And if you're not willing to keep that up, you have to be willing to see that friendship fizzle out a little bit, not be what it once was or kind of hope that they return.
And it's one of those magical moments where it's kind of right back to normal.
So I think that's like the first big change I've seen in my personal life.
The second factor has to do not just with specific friendships, but an entire way of socializing.
The older we get, I think we lose some of our interest in the ways we used to hang out with our friends when we were 18 or 19 or even 20, particularly to do with the drinking culture.
I know for me personally that when I was at uni, it was like binge drinking central, like that was part of how we socialized.
That was part of how we spent our, you know, Thursday, Friday, Saturday nights.
It is this thing in psychology called bad behavior bonding, where we sometimes find ourselves really attracted and attached to people who are on an equally chaotic and self destructive path or in that same place as us in that moment.
And then we enable each other.
But when one person decides it's kind of time to outgrow that, that they've matured past that kind of chapter, it comes at the cost of the friends they made through those behaviors.
I think 18 year old Gemma would be shocked to hear that, you know, I don't go clubbing really anymore.
I don't really want to be up till 2am on a weeknight.
I want to be in bed.
I want to be watching Seinfeld.
My threshold for social interaction, and I think most people's threshold for social interaction has lowered significantly as I've entered like my mid 20s.
Some of that is obviously environmental, but also some of it is just psychological and personal.
Like that's not what I'm really interested in anymore.
And then there's the other factor of the fact that I have met someone that I have a partner now.
When we enter into a relationship, the center of our social universe, our emotional universe or solar system, it shifts away from our friendships and towards our partner.
And if you're not careful, you kind of fall out of orbit with those around you, you know, you want to spend as much time as possible with this person that you're falling in love with.
You want to see them all the time.
You want to invite them to everything that you're doing that can come to sometimes come at the expense of those platonic relationships that you've maintained for much longer than you've known this person.
So I think it's these like two to three parallel changes that have left me feeling pretty isolated, perhaps feeling like I haven't adapted as quickly to these situations as I could have.
However, I also recognize that in our 20s, we are riding what I like to call the friendship roller coaster.
The friendship roller coaster is this phenomenon I've noticed whereby we can feel incredibly happy and fulfilled by our friendships, almost overwhelmed with love, you know, one day.
And then three days later, you can end up in this total thought spiral about how we have no one, how we're totally alone, how no one wants to spend time with, you know, with us as if three days earlier you hadn't been having the best time.
You hadn't been feeling totally validated.
That is the friendship roller coaster of our 20s.
There are a lot of really high highs and a lot of really low lows.
And normally at those low points, nothing really has changed except our mental state.
And it goes to show how so much of our experience of feeling isolated or lonely is entirely subjective.
And it's based on what I think is a very instinctual inherent fear of loneliness that is not always based on the truth.
It is a false alarm.
That is why we are so fearful of friendships changing.
Because underneath that fear is a much more primal fear of being alone.
And so we become really hypervigilant to any cues, small suggestions that, you know, point to the fact that our relationships are weakening, that people are becoming more distant.
Sometimes that is true.
As sad as it is, we are naturally going to lose friends.
It is unavoidable. And I want to talk about why we see that so often in our 20s in particular.
This decade is a period of transition for all of us, career transition, mental transition, emotional transition, even physical transition, as we've spoken about, as we kind of move, we scatter, we pursue different paths.
Everyone is kind of on their own, you know, I know it sounds cheesy, but their own journey in that moment.
We are all trying equally as hard as everyone else to just figure out what we want from life and how we can actually do those things.
It's interesting because I think although we are all the same age, we are all almost like different life points, we've all hit different milestones.
Some of us are still living at home.
Some of us have moved in with like partners.
We're living abroad.
Some of us are still at uni.
We are all at these very different stages.
Whereas for the first 18 years of our lives, if someone was our age, we could assume that they were doing a lot of the same things as we were.
We were kind of living parallel lives because of the structures of childhood and adolescence.
But in our 20s, that all splinters.
It's kind of like a life path explosion.
It's at this point of, I don't want to say, you know, upheaval, but like significant growth and impact that we see the relationships around us change as well.
And they will continue to do so for the remainder of our 20s and the remainder of our lives.
One of the biggest moments that I think we encounter this is following university or high school.
When we are at uni, we spend so much time together.
There is just endless opportunities to be around your friends, opportunities to laugh, to have fun.
And we are having this very shared experience.
We're working towards the same goal to graduate at the end of all this.
And our friendships at that point are really, really convenient.
You are living in the same place, possibly the same town, even sometimes the same building.
You're going to the library every day.
You are eating together every day, seeing each other as much as you can.
And when we no longer have, A, those shared experiences, or B, the shared environment, we slowly lose that closeness.
And to understand this, we really need to look at the psychological principles underlying friendship.
These researchers back in the 90s, they proposed that there are four key ingredients or factors that can basically predict whether you and someone else will become friends and also whether you'll be able to maintain that friendship.
And these like ingredients are proximity, similarity, familiarity, and reciprocity.
So proximity basically just means physical closeness.
How easy is it for you to see this person regularly?
They did a study on this at University dorm rooms and they found that how close people's rooms were to each other actually predicted the likelihood of them becoming friends.
A lot of our friendships basically come down to the ease of contact and the frequency of contact.
Secondly, we have similarity.
We're obviously going to like someone more if they share the same interests, hobbies, lifestyle beliefs as us.
But this also includes similarity in terms of current and past life experiences or sharing a similar environment.
Then we have familiarity that refers to not just how long we've known someone, how close we are with them, but also the depth of the connection.
You know, sometimes we think that the people who have known us the longest know us the best.
That is not always the case.
Sometimes we meet people and there's just this intense, intense spark, this intense platonic chemistry, such that we automatically immediately feel like we have known them our whole lives.
Familiarity is basically just close knowledge of another person.
And finally, we have reciprocity, which is knowing that what you give someone in terms of your love, in terms of your energy, in terms of your time is going to be returned, is going to be reciprocated.
So those are the most important factors.
When we talk about our friendships changing in our twenties, nine out of 10 times, I would say that change normally comes down to a shift in one of these four conditions.
For example, when people move away or they get really busy, they start full -time work, we lose that proximity.
It makes it harder to see them.
When we lose those shared experiences, like no longer being at university together, we have less to talk about.
When we lose that familiarity, we feel like this person no longer knows us.
And when we begin to see a friendship as one -sided, without that reciprocity we were speaking about, this is when it makes us question how much this person really wants us to be in their life.
What I often say is that friendships can survive a reduction or a change in one of these conditions, but not two.
So for example, it's totally fine if your friend gets really busy at work and can only see you once a fortnight, once a month, as long as you maintain that similarity, familiarity, reciprocity.
You make time when you have time and you talk about things that are interesting and you want to see them.
But if suddenly you no longer have those shared stories, beliefs, values, interests, and then you also don't see them regularly, that is when the friendship starts to crumble.
Or if the friend is not reciprocating your excitement or your investment in seeing them, again we really begin to question the value of the friendship, or how much longer it can last.
I want to stress this again.
I know that that feels really painful, but it's not abnormal.
You are not the only one who is either going through these changes themselves, struggling to connect with people you once loved, or watching someone else feel the same way about your friendship.
Watching the people around you suddenly almost disappear.
Friendships change because people change, and sometimes they just don't change in the same direction.
That is not a crime.
It is not because there is something wrong with you, or something wrong with them.
I think the worst thing we can do in response to that is actually act from a place of anger or rejection.
Because you're not actually angry at them.
You're just hurt. You're just scared of losing them.
You're just scared of change.
And your sadness and your panic is in itself an indicator that you love them deeply.
So I think when we are in those moments where we are really fearful that we're losing people, feeling like we should push them away, or you know sometimes find a replacement, we do just need to pause and approach this very rationally.
This is all about a transition.
It's all about a journey.
And where you are at now with your friends, like we said it is the friendship roller coaster.
It may not be where you end up.
There are other factors as well that I think also alter our friendships irreversibly.
And that includes really significant events like a big breach of trust, a betrayal, misunderstandings.
I think these things differ from what we were talking about before.
And when we encounter those things there are four kind of friendship breakups that we most often see.
These are the friendship fizzle, the replacement, the one -sided severance, and the breakup where really drastic measures are required.
So I would say if we have a look at our friendships, the mutual and you know friendships from the past, the mutual fizzle is most common.
There are some people we are not meant to be around our entire lives.
We are only meant to be with them for a season before it is you know time for us to move on.
Maybe this person just no longer fills your cup in the same way you were friends at work, now you no longer have that shared topic to discuss.
They were your ex's friends.
The key word though here is mutual.
We both kind of understand that we aren't as close as we once were.
The context around us has changed and perhaps it's time to actually just let the other person go.
Stop trying to reschedule the plans, just let it fizzle.
Then we have the replacement.
This one really hurts.
It hurts so much. Sometimes we have this really intense relationship with someone.
They're our best friend.
We do everything together and then slowly they start mentioning some other person more and more.
They're spending more time with them.
We feel shut out or replaced or perhaps as we were talking about before they meet someone.
They meet a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a partner.
Even though we know that we are not entitled to all of their time a lot of this comes from a very I think justified place of jealousy and it's a jealousy we typically think is reserved for romantic relationships but when you love someone as deeply as you love this person another individual's kind of entrance
into your relationship or like the equation can feel like a real threat and it's these friendships, I think those very very close friendships that keep us quite grounded that actually form a huge part of our identity and how we see ourselves.
So when one person seemingly moves on or stops investing as much or starts investing more in someone else it can quite honestly leave us feeling really lost.
Maybe feel like we should be sharing our time around as well.
There's also a saying about these intense relationships that really applies here.
The flame that burns twice as bright burns out quicker.
I see this all the time with those really high intensity friendships.
You're kind of like addicted to them.
You put a lot of pressure on them more than other friendships.
You have this really high expectation this high level of time that you spend with each other and a lot of demands for the other person that I think can rarely be sustained without the occasional break or some very solid boundaries and I don't think that those relationships those really intense relationships
can survive very long without one person in that kind of dynamic choosing to make a change which is why I think not only do they hurt a lot but we also see them ending quite frequently.
And then we have this one -sided severance where without reason someone suddenly detaches doesn't want to talk to you doesn't want to communicate with you doesn't really offer you any kind of explanation.
That is just I can understand how devastating that is.
I've had that happen to me before.
Sometimes people have their reasons they don't want to share them with you.
That's fine but you're kind of having to go through a friendship breakup all on your own without the closure.
We have to go searching for the answers ourselves.
I think when a true friendship breakup actually occurs we kind of both understand why.
We know what happened.
We know our role in it.
We know what we need to take accountability for but when we have these one -sided severances you really are kind of left in the dark.
You're left looking for your own answers.
I really do believe that friendship breakups hurt so much more than romantic breakups because we never expect them.
Friendships always feel so permanent and as we get older we quickly realize that they're not.
It is okay to grieve what was to think about them to want to reach out but it's also okay to recognize that just like the end of a romantic relationship this might have been for the best.
Sometimes not only do we grow apart but we begin to kind of realize and recognize how this person has caused friction in our lives.
May not have respected our boundaries or maybe there was some event where suddenly you saw them in a new light and you're just shocked that this is actually who they are and you've never seen that before.
I actually had someone tell me the other day about a friendship breakup they had with their best friend of eight years and they went on vacation together and throughout this trip this person slowly realized that her and her friend could not be friends anymore, that when she returned it would have to
be over. Her friend was cruel, would yell at her, would ignore her when other people were around, wasn't willing to compromise.
That is not a relationship we should prioritize and sometimes we don't see those parts of someone until we see them in a new situation like a wedding like an engagement like a baby is coming or what one of you is experiencing like a lot of really great success and the other person is jealous.
I guess in those situations it's better to kind of feel lonely than to be around someone or trust someone who obviously doesn't have your best intentions at heart and I guess that's one of my main premises or arguments here.
Not all friendships are meant to last for a good reason and our fear of loneliness should not keep us in relationships that do not nurture and build us up and make us better people.
We should not sacrifice our boundaries or our needs for the sake of company.
You can find company anywhere, you can go to the local coffee shop and have a chat with some nice lady in her 60s and there you go bingo bango you have a best friend.
When we continue to pour attention and time and energy into these dead -end relationships we lose out on a lot of other opportunities to meet people who might suit this chapter or season of your life better even if it takes some time.
The saying that I always come back to again and again and again it is impossible to keep every single friend you've ever had especially as you add new relationships when your life circumstances change or when you become aware of key differences in your values and characters.
It does not make you a bad person to want to move on but it also doesn't make you a bad person to grieve and still know that that was necessary.
So what I really want to discuss next is how to manage your kind of changing friendship landscape.
Whether it is you're seeing more of the fizzle or there has been a friendship breakup or people have moved what other do's and don'ts of evolving friendships in our 20s.
So all of that and more after this short break.
Jon Stewart is back in the host chair at The Daily Show which means he's also back in our ears on the Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.
The Daily Show podcast has everything you need to stay on top of today's news and pop culture.
You get hilarious satirical takes on entertainment, politics, sports and more from Jon and the team of correspondents and contributors.
The podcast also has content you can't get anywhere else like extended interviews and a roundup of the weekly headlines.
Listen to The Daily Show Ears Edition on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast or wherever you get your podcasts.
Do you want to understand an invisible force that's shaping your life?
I'm Osviloshin, one of the new hosts of the long -running podcast Tech Stuff.
I'm slightly skeptical but obsessively intrigued.
And I'm Kara Price, the other new host.
And I'm ready to adopt early and often.
On Tech Stuff we travel all the way from the minds of Congo to the surface of Mars to the dark corners of TikTok to ask and attempt to answer burning questions about technology.
One of the kind of tricks for surviving Mars is to live there long enough so that people evolve into Martians.
Like data is a very rough proxy for a complex reality.
How is it possible that the world's new energy revolution can be based in this place where there's no electricity at night?
Oz and I will cut through the noise to bring you the best conversations and deep dives that will help you understand how tech is changing our world and what you need to know to survive the singularity.
So join us. Listen to Tech Stuff on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
The force is shaping markets and the economy are often hiding behind a blur of numbers.
So that's why we created the Big Take from Bloomberg Podcasts to give you the context you need to make sense of it all.
Every day in just 15 minutes we dive into one global business story that matters.
You'll hear from Bloomberg journalists like Matt Levine.
A lot of this meme stock stuff is I think embarrassing to the SEC.
Amanda Mull, who writes our Business Week buying power column.
Very few companies who go viral are like totally prepared for what that means.
And Zoe Tillman, senior legal reporter.
Courts are not supposed to decide elections.
Courts are not really supposed to play a big role in choosing our elected leaders.
It's for the voters to decide.
Follow the Big Take podcast on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen.
Good people, what's up?
It's Questo, Questlove.
And Team Supreme and I have been working hard to bring you some incredible episodes of Questlove Supreme with guests you definitely don't want to miss.
Now one of the things I love about this Questlove Supreme podcast is we got something for everybody, every type of musical upper.
We enjoy speaking to the people who are the face of some movements.
Some people you've seen on stage or TV or magazine covers, but we also love speaking to the folks who are making it happen behind the scenes and we paved the way for those that followed.
You know, keystones to the culture.
This season we've had some amazing one -on -one conversations like um people chatting up with hip maker Sam Holland, took a steve chatting with the legend Nick Lowe and I've had pleasures in doing one -on -one conversations with Willow, Sonata Matria, Kathleen Hanna and the RZA.
These are conversations you won't hear anywhere else, so make sure you go back and you check those episodes out, all right?
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the I Heart Radio App, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get in your podcast.
There are a few common misconceptions about friendships that I think make us feel particularly panicked when we notice things changing in our 20s.
The first one that I think is perpetrated especially during this decade is that we need to have a massive group of friends in order to be happy.
This personally drives me insane because I have never been someone who has had this one big jolly group of friends who do everything together and I personally blame shows like Friends and New Girl for this idea that we need this one tight group of people from ages like 10 to 60 or whatever like for our
entire adult life in order to be happy or this argument that we can't be equally fulfilled by one -on -one friendships.
When we strip it down, what we really need friends for is trust, comfort, love and belonging and it doesn't matter what form that comes in.
It doesn't matter if it's a huge group situation or if it looks different to what we see others doing in social media or what we see other people doing online or in the movies and the TV shows that we watch.
A lot of that is fiction and I don't think that we should buy into this idea that just because you've never had a big group of girlfriends or a big group of friends that somehow you are lonelier than the rest.
The second biggest misconception is that you should continue a friendship because you owe it to them either due to the length of time that you've known each other or maybe because they have a lot going on in their life.
One therapist calls this a sense of emotional servitude because it involves putting effort towards a friendship as if you're paying off a debt or paying off you know or paying them this like energy this time without ever getting anything back for you.
Like you are doing the emotional labor for this other person and I see this a lot with friends in a situation where one party is really going through something really difficult but despite that has no respect for the well -being of the other person, has no appreciation for the other person's boundaries,
has no appreciation for what the other person needs.
Sometimes that's understandable right if you're going through a really hard season in life you're not always that aware of what other people are doing.
Empathy is kind of not something that you can prioritize at that moment but that does not mean that you are not allowed to set boundaries with this person just because you're afraid of appearing disloyal or you're afraid of upsetting them right.
That relationship when it gets to that point is actually if you maintain it without setting up proper parameters or limits is going to do a lot more harm than good.
It is going to end up hurting both of you and we see that a lot with people that have also been friends with someone for a really long time and even though they just have nothing in common anymore even though this person may drain their energy, may actually make them feel bad about themselves, they stay
because they don't want to be labeled as someone who leaves and I think when you hold on too tight to people who don't want to maintain their relationship or who don't appreciate you you're basically carrying a dead weight that is holding you back from a new season of friendship and a new season of connection for you.
The third misconception is that it's too late for you to make new friends that by our 20s we should already know the people who will be in our wedding party or be our children's godparents or who we will mourn at their funeral.
I think that is absolutely incorrect.
Research has shown that we replace half of our friends every seven years up until old age which is to say that we are constantly in a state of pruning our friendships, letting go of certain friends, letting them drift and then subsequently making new ones throughout life.
I read an article that put it really really well that you are not going to be the same person your entire life and you cannot expect other people to be the same version of themselves as well.
You have changed so much in the past 10 years, five years, even the last six months so it makes sense that those around you, those relationships, have also shifted with time.
Yes, there might be certain friendships that have evolved to align with this new version of you and this new version of themselves but it's sometimes just not feasible for you to keep up with every single person who has known you since you were a child, who has known you since you were a teenager.
There's just not enough time in the week, like there genuinely just isn't enough time in the day to maintain connections with everybody so you need to give yourself I think space to make new friendships that might fulfill you more without being scared that you will never find anybody.
I kind of want to reiterate that.
Do not hold on to these relationships just because you're scared that no one will fill their place or fill that social need in your life.
I think that there are so many people that will just show up in your life one day by surprise and change everything but you do need to leave space for them and leaving space means the following.
Don't adopt the philosophy that you already have all the friends you need.
It may feel true but you never know, you truly never know how much opening yourself up to that one extra person could really like change everything for you.
Also say yes to things even when they scare you to invitations, to activities, to joining sports clubs, to new hobbies.
Take on the philosophy that everyone wants to be your friend.
You are magnetic, you attract really good people.
Don't isolate yourself by thinking that you can only be friends with one type of person or that the length of time you've been friends with someone is the only factor in your closeness, is the only kind of indicator of compatibility.
I think that we buy into that a lot.
That just because we've known someone the longest must mean that they are our best friend and time and time again we see that that is not true.
That compatibility and chemistry and love and platonic intimacy work in really strange and surprising ways and with that do not buy into this idea that you are past your friendship prime because when you believe that there was a time and place to make your lifelong friends, you've missed it, you've
missed the boat, you're subconsciously going to be less likely to initiate new conversations, new connections, new relationships because you already feel like you've lost, you already feel like you're behind.
I also think it's very important to not respond with fear when we feel our kind of friendship landscape shifting because fear will have you reacting in ways that are irrational and actually counter to your true intentions which is to foster deep love with those around you, to feel like you belong.
Perceived rejection can really sting but just because your relationship has changed doesn't mean that it needs to be completely discarded.
I think about my friendships at least a lot of the time in terms of levels, you have your top rung, kind of your ride or die friendships, then those friends that you maybe wished you saw more or you're slightly less close to at the moment.
You've got your work friends, you've got your acquaintances who you would very kindly have a chat with in the street and know a little bit about their life but you're not super close to and then you have strangers.
Maybe this person, this person that you are thinking about right now, this friend, is just sitting at a rung lower than normal.
Does that mean that they need to be completely relegated to the strangers category?
Probably not, they're just at a different point in their relationship to you but you should keep the door open for them to come back in, for them to promote themselves back up to top rung.
Obviously this does not apply to friends who have totally crossed boundaries with you or who have treated you terribly but just those who have maybe just have different priorities right now.
Give them the grace that you would want in that situation.
So I actually have a story about this.
I have a very very close friend of mine, possibly my longest friend and we were incredibly close for the first three or four years that we, after we'd met, like we did everything together.
We knew everything about each other's life and then we went through this period almost randomly without any context of just like complete disconnect.
We saw each other rarely.
I really did feel like for certain that the friendship was over.
It was really upsetting.
It weighed really heavily on my mind but I didn't want to close the door and I know that she didn't want to either and lo and behold two years on, I think even a little bit longer than that now.
Like three or four years on we are back to that same level of closeness, maybe even closer.
She is one of the best people in my life and I think it's because we gave each other permission, maybe even subconsciously, to follow our own paths that our friendship has allowed to, you know, is allowed to be this strong because we've seen it through moments of tension and moments of change and we
knew that either we would come back to each other or we wouldn't and we would still be incredibly happy for the other person.
Change does not mean death.
It does not mean the end.
The best kinds of friendships change and evolve despite factors like time and proximity.
Don't panic. I promise the fear you have is temporary and alongside that, that fear may also motivate you to make new friends.
To go out there and, I don't know, actually put yourself in a position that you haven't had to before.
Put yourself in a position where friendship isn't as convenient as it once was but now you have, you know, the opportunity to choose, right?
Someone once said to me, I was asking this person he was like I don't really have many friends and I was like why?
You know, aren't you lonely?
Why don't, why wouldn't you want a million friends?
And he was like well the people around you are who you become and so I think that it's actually worthwhile to be a little bit picky when it comes to that.
And maybe if you are at a place where you are quite isolated and you aren't kind, you know, you're quite lonely, you have seen a lot of friendships change, instead of viewing it as this like negative like life -ending thing of like I'm never going to have what I once had.
I'm never going to feel connected or like I belong again.
View it as a new beginning.
Be like wow I get to like I get to create the life that I want here.
I get to make the friendships that I would like to make.
I get to be surprised by the people who are one day just going to walk in the door and completely change who I am.
I think loneliness is just an emotion.
It is just a message from our mind telling us what we need the same way that hunger tells us, you know, that our body needs fuel or thirst tells us that we need hydration.
Loneliness and feeling disconnected to people tells you that it's time to reach out.
And I guess that's my final tip here.
Be honest with your friends that you would like to see them more or you would like to chat more often.
I did this the other day with my friend Steph where I was like I'm on the friendship roller coaster right now and I'm at a dip.
Can we make time to see each other?
And of course she said yes that openness that vulnerability is vital here because often others in our life don't really know what we're going through.
They don't know how we're feeling.
They may not have noticed what we have noticed that we have drifted.
So you can choose to say nothing or you can choose to be honest with how you feel in that moment.
And 90 % of the time the people who truly love you want you to be happy and they will respond positively to that and they will make time for you.
It is just a matter of reaching out.
And you know what? In case I haven't said it enough times, this is not just you.
I know it's hard, change is hard, human beings naturally fear change, isolation is hard.
But do not blame yourself or start to internalize what are actually really common transitions here as a sign that there is something wrong with you or that you are undeserving of good long -lasting friendships.
You absolutely are.
You just may not have found them yet.
I always think of this quote and it brings me so much peace in kind of these moments of catastrophizing.
You haven't yet met all the people who you will love in this life.
And I think that is so beautiful.
How magical is it to imagine all of the people who are now strangers one day being individuals in your life who you won't be able to live without.
These people who you will one day meet who will tell you the story of the life they are now living.
We are so young. Sometimes it's so impossible to really appreciate how young we are.
It is not the end of the road.
There is so much more love to experience.
And like we said, there has been so many studies that have shown that not only is this incredibly common but a lot of us replace, you know, 50 % of our friends, 80 % of our friends every seven years.
You are just in a transition period right now, along with many, many others, one that you will come out of and you'll be able to look back at and say, I needed that to happen.
I needed to see these friendships fade away.
I needed to be alone for a while in order to really appreciate how beautiful these new people in my life are.
So I really hope that this episode has helped normalize this experience for the year.
I totally understand the fear.
Please I feel like I live this fear every day.
So it was actually quite comforting to discuss this and to kind of explore.
I think some of the reasons behind why we see that happen.
I really do hope that you enjoyed this episode.
I hope it brought you comfort.
As always, if you feel like there is someone in your life who feels this way, who needs to hear this episode, please feel free to send them a link to share it along, to share the love along.
Leave a five star review if you feel called to do so and make sure you're following so that you know when new episodes come out.
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I love hearing about what your twenties has been like.
You guys always have the most amazing suggestions for topics I have never considered before.
So follow us over there.
And as always, we will be back next week with another episode.
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People, my people, what's up?
This is Questlove. Man, I cannot believe we're already wrapping up another season of Questlove Supreme.
Man, we've got some amazing guests lined up to close out the season, but I don't want any of you guys to miss all the incredible conversations we've had so far.
I mean, we talked to Aemoree, Jonny Marr, E, Jonny Schechter, Billy Porter, and so many more.
Look, if you haven't heard these episodes yet, hey, now's your chance.
Got to check them out.
Listen to Questlove Supreme on the iHeartRadio app, Apple podcast, or wherever you get your podcasts.
