It is a bracing cold.
An invigorating cold.
Lord, is it cold.
Help you with your bag, sir?
Thank you, fellow Bosite.
May I say you are the living embodiment of all the promises made by our lovely town's Chamber of Commerce.
Wait!
Wait!
Excuse me!
One ticket to Pasadena, California, please.
Finally.
Oh, what fresh hell is this?
Wait, you can't leave here.
You've been exposed.
No, I haven't.
It's all good.
Mountain elf.
He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Hellhounds.
Hellhounds, who let the satanic dogs out?
Who, who, who?
Colossal serpent.
I got a colossal serpent right here.
Must you?
Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
Rotting zombie.
Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Xandor, Wizard of the North.
Ha, I win.
Did you skip the part about being under a two-week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease?
Absolutely.
I can't do this.
I'm going to faint.
Here, drink this.
It'll relax you.
Alcohol?
I don't drink alcohol.
Fine, faint.
I don't feel different.
This alcohol's defective.
Here, see if this one works.
First of all, the projects were totally different.
I was showing that classical music nurtures lima beans and makes them grow, but my mother didn't hear me.
If you'd like to look at the relationship between nurturing and growth.
I'd like to point out that my brother is eight inches taller than me.
I'm ready!
Great.
Ladies and gentlemen, our guest of honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
Thanks, Shorty.
I'll take it from here.
All right, you people ready to have some fun?
You have a basic understanding of differential calculus and at least one year of algebraic topology?
Well, here come the jokes.
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side.
Bazinga!
And Neutron walks into a bar and asks, how much for a drink?
The bartender says, for you, no charge.
Hello?
I know you're out there.
I can hear you metabolizing oxygen and expelling carbon dioxide.
It looks like we have some academic dignitaries in the audience.
Dr Randall from the geology department, only man who's happy when they take his work for granted, but a child.
I've kid the geologists, of course, but it's only because I have no respect for the field.
Let's get serious for a moment.
Why are we all here?
Because we're scientists.
And what do scientists study?
The universe.
And what's the universe made of?
I am so glad you asked.
There's antimony arsenic aluminum, selenium and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and uranium and nickel neodymium neptunium, germanium.
Everybody!
And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium.
Just the Asians!
Please kick down the door.
You're welcome to try, but the other day it took you 15 minutes to get into a FedEx box.
Who is it?
Your doom.
Don't say your doom.
Who opens the door for their doom?
Good point.
Basket of puppies.
What?
Uh... Sheldon?
Are you Todd Czarnecki?
Yeah.
Who are you?
I'm Sheldor of Azeroth.
I want my things back.
I don't think so.
Let me see that.
Careful.
That's a collectible.
I know.
I've always wanted one.
He's even more cunning than we thought.
Who are you here to see?
I'm just gonna tell you the truth.
Oh, you are killing me.
We don't have an appointment.
We're just fans of Mr Lucas's work and we thought we'd take a shot and see if we could get in and look around.
Sorry, guys, we get this a lot.
Can't let you in.
What if I told you that I was the voice of Yoda? a recording session I must attend.
I'm sorry.
Don't listen to him.
We're actually physicists.
We're giving a lecture at Berkeley later today.
We just had some time to kill.
Hey, listen, you seem like decent guys.
I can't let you in.
I got some hats and t-shirts I can give you.
Thank you so much.
See?
Maybe honesty is the best, but what are you doing?
I'm shedding the yoke of my oppressors, you blind, sad little man.
Don't move.
Code AA-23.
AA-23.
Copy.
I can see the ranch, Leonard.
Oh, it's rustic.
It's lovely.
I take a picture, but people are chasing me.
I'm gonna make it!
I'm gonna make it!
They have tasers.
They wouldn't dare use... Does this place look familiar?
It's hard to say.
Hey, Shelton's back!
Shelton!
It's getting clearer.
You gonna buy another round for the house?
No, thank you.
We now know why MasterCard sent me a fraud alert.
Ask him.
Um, yes.
Howdy, partner.
Do you happen to recollect if I left a notebook in these here parts?
These here bots, it's called fitting in.
By the way, good luck.
There you go.
Thank goodness.
One top secret quantum guidance system.
You understood the math?
No.
Sheldon told me all about it.
He told everybody.
That's just great.
Oh, don't worry.
He made us pinky swear we'd keep it a secret.
I swear.
I swear.
Not to tell anyone.
Not to tell anyone.
The top secret military information I'm about to tell you.
The top secret military information I'm about to tell you.
We really need this gonadal.
Thank you.
Bye.
See you.
You should probably erase this.
This appears significantly more monolithic than it did on my laptop.
No one expects to see hominids learning to use bones as weapons.
You afraid of heights, Cooper?
Hardly.
Fear of heights is illogical.
Fear of falling, on the other hand, is prudent and evolutionary.
What would you say is the minimum altitude I need to achieve to cement our newfound friendship?
Come on, they have birthday parties here.
Why don't kids climb this?
Little kid hominids, perhaps.
So is this your entire job?
Parents must be so proud.
Let's go, Koopa.
Coming, Kripke.
Okay.
Harness seems to be secure.
Small amount of incontinence just now, but the website said that's to be expected.
Hey.
This isn't so bad.
Could be like vertical swimming.
Hey, look at you, Cooper.
You're almost halfway to the top.
I am?
I was wrong.
It is a fear of heights.
You all right there, Cooper?
Not really.
I feel somewhat like an inverse tangent function that's approached an asymptote.
Are you saying you're stuck?
What part of inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote did you not understand?
I understood all of it.
I'm not a moron.
Just keep going.
Yeah, I don't think I can.
Well, then climb back down.
That doesn't seem any more likely.
So what's your plan, Cooper?
It's not exactly a plan, but I think I'm going to pass out.
How will it answer the door?
I'm busy!
I'm busy too!
You answer it!
I can't!
I'm on the toilet!
For God's sake, I don't need to hear that!
Can't you just say I'm busy?
I said I'm busy, but that wasn't good enough for you!
You know what?
I hope it's one of those home invasion deals and they show me in the head!
Well, if it's a home invader, don't tell them I'm on the toilet!
You're hearing things, you crazy old lady!
This reminds me of a traditional Amish barn raising with everyone pitching in.
How exactly are you pitching in?
I don't hear anyone else giving facts about traditional Amish barn raising.
The rest of us are pitching in with hammers and nails.
The facts are my nails, and my voice is the hammer which pounds them through the wood of your skull.
Well, that is how it feels.
Hey, uh, can you pass me that drill?
Yeah, fun fact about Amish barn raising, they don't use any power tools.
Amy, make him stop.
No, if he tires himself out now, he'll sleep better tonight.
Stew the cockatoo is new at the zoo.
Author.
Sarah Carpenter lives in Fort Wayne Indiana, with her husband and best friend Mark, and their cockatoo Stew.
That probably makes her an expert in making friends, wouldn't you agree?
I don't like birds.
They scare me.
Me too.
Most people don't see it.
What are you reading?
Curious George.
Oh, I do like monkeys.
Curious George is a monkey.
Somewhat anthropomorphized, but yes.
Say, maybe sometime you and I could go see monkeys together.
Would you like that?
Okay.
Sheldon, what are you doing?
I'm making friends with this little girl.
What's your name?
Rebecca.
Hi, Rebecca.
I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
No, you're not.
Let's go.
You're really hitting it off.
Don't look up those cameras.
That's my water.
What?
My water.
You're drinking it.
Dear Lord.
Have you been drinking it?
Yes, it's my water.
Well, that's it then.
I'm dead.
Here we go.
But I'm sorry, do I really need to connect the dots for you?
The backwash into this glass is every pathogen that calls your mouth home sweet home.
Not to mention the visitors who arrive on the dancing tongue of your subtropical girlfriend.
Hey, that's my sister and my country you're talking about.
Then it may have defiled one, but I won't have you talking smack about the other.
You guys ready to order?
Yes, I'd like a seven-day course of penicillin, some syrup of ipecac to induce vomiting, and a mint.
I don't understand.
He drank from Leonard's glass.
He drank from Leonard's glass.
Words they'll be carving into my tombstone.
That's actually my napkin.
Oh, this is a nightmare!
Where are you going?
To the bar to sterilize my mouth with alcohol.
Gangway, dead man walking!
Raiders of the Lost Ark with 21 additional seconds.
If I can't see it, no one else can see it.
This is crazy.
No.
Crazy was leaving the projection booth unattended.
Listen to me.
You are overtired.
You're not thinking right.
Put the movie back before we get into trouble.
Trouble is my middle name, Leonard.
Actually, it's Lee, but I prefer trouble.
Oh, look who they let in.
Don't worry, Wil Wheaton.
I was just leaving.
Right this way, Uncle Harvey.
Could you stop with that already?
I am trying not to attract attention.
Tipping his hat to the cleaning lady didn't do that?
She's had buenos noches.
What was he supposed to do?
Start the experiment.
Leonard, we should probably have our stories straight in case we get caught.
We're not getting caught.
You can't be sure of that.
What if the helium dealer rats us out?
What if Kripke asks where we got it?
What if the university checks my family tree and finds out I don't have an Uncle Harvey?
A dealer doesn't care.
Kripke has no authority over us, and you being related to a metal container would explain a lot.
Help me hook this up.
Uh-oh.
What?
Did you see this sticker?
What is it?
It's partially torn off, but the segment that remains reads property of and the letter U It's probably USC or UCLA.
But what if it's property of U.S. government?
There's a national helium reserve in Amarillo, Texas.
If this was stolen from there, we're accessories to a federal crime.
Let's not jump to conclusions.
A lot of things start with you.
That's true.
U.S.
Air Force, U.S.
Department of Defense, U.S.
Navy, you and I are going to jail.
Listen, we can do the experiment as planned and beat the Swedish team to the punch, or we can kiss our dreams goodbye, because we were too afraid to break a few rules.
Ma'am?
Dr. Dana feels he isn't that dangerous.
What makes you right and a trained psychiatrist wrong?
Because she feels.
I don't.
All I know is logic.
Yeah, right.
You can just shut your feelings off.
There goes television lying to us again.
We let you raise our children, and this is the thanks we get.
Leonard, how could I have been so foolish to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?
Well now, instead of idolizing fictional characters, you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.
Those are very wise words.
Thank you.
They'd just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.
