Do you think maybe sometimes you try too hard?
Look at me.
What chance do I have if I don't try too hard?
Well, you'd have a terrific chance.
I mean, you're smart, you're funny, you have a cool job.
You build stuff that goes into outer space.
I guess.
No look, I'm telling you.
I've known you for like a year and a half and this is the first time I feel like I'm talking to a real person.
And you know what?
I like him.
He's a nice guy.
You really think so?
Yes.
I don't know.
No, I do.
I'm the great Howdini, and it's an honor to be auditioning at the Magic Castle.
Could I borrow your watch, sir?
Sure.
Thank you.
Ooh, Rolex.
Fancy.
I'll get it right back to you.
Observe one very expensive watch.
One wooden mallet.
Do I dare?
I do.
Would you be amazed if your watch survived that pounding?
I think you would.
Behold!
The first pitch will be thrown out by NASA astronaut Howard Wolowitz.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Can he really throw a ball?
On our Quidditch team, he doesn't.
Yeah, that's a no.
I have a message for the young people here today.
When I was asked to throw the first pitch, a little voice in my head said I couldn't do it.
So I practiced and practiced.
And you know what?
That little voice was right.
Then I remembered that I'm not an athlete.
I'm a scientist.
So today's first pitch will be delivered to home plate by science.
Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, I present to you a working prototype of the Mars rover!
And here's the wind-up.
And the pitch!
Why is it going so slow?
Because I'm an idiot who didn't think this through.
Okay, new plan.
We go to Disneyland, play hide and seek on Tom Sawyer's Island and then come back and see the end of the pitch.
Okay, boo, it isn't gonna make it go any faster!
Please, Leonard, not now.
Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango.
Our tango?
The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro.
But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still.
I'm begging you, stop talking.
Look, normally I can just ignore you.
I mean, I get it, you're a little peculiar, you know, like Sheldon.
Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you're the one who's peculiar.
Yeah, you might be right.
But back to you.
I know you think you're some sort of smooth-talking ladies' man, but the truth is you are just pathetic and creepy.
Um, so what are you saying?
I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable.
It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say, ooh, it must be jelly, because jam don't shake like that.
And most important, we are not dancing a tango.
We're not to-ing and fro-ing.
Nothing is ever going to happen between us.
Ever.
Wait a minute.
This isn't flirting.
You're serious.
Flirting?
You think I'm flirting with you?
I am not flirting with you.
No woman is ever going to flirt with you.
You're just going to grow old and die alone.
Thanks for the heads up.
Howard, where are you going?
I'm going home to live my creepy, pathetic life.
Wow.
Well, someone had to say it.
What?
He said maybe we should enter you in the Killer Robot competition.
What do you guys do?
Oh, you know, goth stuff, goth magazines, goth music.
Goth food.
What's goth food?
Blackened salmon.
No, I meant, what do you do for jobs?
We're scientists.
Yeah, you know, the dark sciences.
What are the dark sciences?
Well, I am an astrophysicist, and a lot of that takes place at night.
When there are vampires and miscellaneous undead out and about.
Oy vey.
That sounds really cool.
Does it?
Okay, if you like space stuff, I designed components for the International Space Station, which is in space.
Where, as I'm sure you know, no one can hear you scream.
So what do you girls do?
I work at the Gap.
Really?
How about that?
I've been to the Gap.
I've been there as well.
I like your t-shirts with the little pocket.
I work there too.
Not that anyone cares.
You know, this place is boring.
Yeah.
Why don't we go somewhere else and have some fun?
Okay.
Sure.
We are fun.
We are fun people.
Dark and fun.
Come on.
I know a place you'll really dig.
Did you bring the black condoms?
In my fanny pack.
Let's go.
Are you happy now?
Not particularly.
What do you want, Howard?
I'm fine, thanks for asking.
I've come to call on Missy.
Missy!
Hi, Howard.
The amazing Howard.
Do you like magic?
Not really, no.
Then you are in for a treat.
Behold, an ordinary cane.
Ta-da!
No.
Okay.
Thank God you're here.
What's the emergency?
I got the Mars rover stuck in a ditch.
Where?
On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield.
Where do you think?
On Mars!
Hey, Howard, is everything okay?
Yeah, baby, I'll be right in.
You brought a girl to the Mars Rover control room?
Yeah, I picked her up in the bar.
She's a doctor.
One free barium enema and my mother won't care she's not Jewish.
So what exactly do you want us to do?
I need you and Raj to help me get the rover out of the ditch and I need you to get Stephanie out before somebody notices she's here.
She doesn't exactly have clearance.
Really?
They don't let strange women from Honky Tonks come in and play with 200 million government projects on distant planets.
Yes, I was bad.
Maybe she'll spank me.
Can we please move on?
Hey, Howard, you know, it's getting late, so do I get to drive this thing or what?
Yeah, no, I'm sorry, but something's come up.
Kind of a Mars Rover... Mars Rover can Howard come over... situation.
Anything?
Actually, I was just checking my email.
But, uh, nope, the rover is not responding.
I believe the appropriate metaphor here involves a river of excrement and a Native American water vessel without any means of propulsion.
Hang on, there's got to be other options.
I could try calling Triple A.
But based on NASA's latest timetable, they won't get there for 35 years.
Plus, I understand you have to be standing next to the vehicle with your card when they arrive.
Oh, snap.
Snap what?
Okay, I guess we have to turn to plan B. What's plan B?
Erase all the hard drives, grab the surveillance tapes, wipe our fingerprints off every surface and run.
Why wasn't that plan A?
Hi, I'm the small package good things come in.
Okay, here's another one.
If you married the famous rock guitarist Johnny Winter, you'd be Summer Winter.
Okay, I'm gonna just go for broke here and say I like you.
Yeah?
So, here's my question.
Do you realistically see any conversational path that would take us from where we are right now to a place where I could ask you out and you'd say yes?
No.
Fair enough.
I'll leave you in peace.
Thank you.
But before I go, would you mind if I just take one picture of us together for my Facebook page?
Sure.
Great.
Now, can I take one where it looks like we're making out?
We're going to roll up this newspaper.
It's a fake picture.
You got wax in your ears?
The man said it's an ordinary picture.
How, Deanie?
Okay, we're going to stick this in here, and then I'm going to pour in the milk.
I hope this works, because I didn't bring a change of pants.
Look, I googled it.
It's a fake picture.
That's it.
No cake for you.
Anyone else want to join the no cake club?
She's just kidding, boys and girls.
Everyone gets cake.
Give me the pitcher.
Behold.
Wrong pitcher.
We'll get the crib out and you can take it for a test drive.
I'm telling you, this fam is gonna be... Oh, is it your bath?
Yeah.
Oh.
Anyway, let's just get in and see if the GPS can take us to the nearest emergency room.
Uh, what was I thinking?
Wallowiches are not unlifting people.
We tip the lifting people!
Do we really have to sit for hours in the emergency room?
They're just gonna give you ice and Advil like last time.
You're gonna feel terrible when I'm in a wheelchair.
Which, by the way, would fit easily in the back of this award-winning minivan.
Fine, we'll go to the ER.
Just stop selling me on the van.
You're right.
It sells itself.
I have to admit, it's a pretty smooth ride.
I was hoping it'd be quieter.
If childbirth is half this bad, you are so screwed!
What action figures have arrived?
This is the best $500 I've ever spent.
$1,000 on action figures?
How can you afford that?
Easy.
His family's loaded and Bernadette has a great job.
My wife came with both fun bags and money bags.
Say hello to an exact scale model of me.
Oh, I'm not dark chocolate.
I'm melting your mouth caramel.
Oh, man.
Look at my nose.
Maybe it's a shipping problem.
What?
Yeah, maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.
This sucks.
I can't believe I wasted all that money.
Oh, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one.
Look at my face.
Do I look smug?
I feel smug.
Yo, always bet on black.
Get that waste of money out of my face.
It's only a waste of money if we don't play with them.
He's right, dog.
Please, I'm working.
You know, there is a way we can get action figures to look exactly like us.
Oh, yeah?
How's that?
Two words, 3-D printer.
Maybe it's three words.
No?
Hang on.
Okay, one word, a letter, and a number.
And maybe a hyphen.
3-D printer.
I have always wanted a 3D printer.
Of course you have.
They're an engineer's dream.
Anything you can design, a 3D printer can make out of plastic.
Yeah, but they're so expensive.
Oh, come on.
You deserve one.
You've worked hard to find a woman who makes a lot of money.
Well, the prices have been coming down.
Well, true.
They're practically giving them away.
You know, in exchange for money.
I mean, we can make stuff we need for work with it.
Prototypes of my cat cam design, specialized tools.
Not to mention Malibu Kootrapalli in his totally bitching dream house.
We don't need Malibu Couture Polly's dream house.
Really, smart guy?
Where's he supposed to park his sweet little Corvette?
Okay, give me a superhero pose, and I will scan you into the computer for your action figure.
Oh, I wish I was in better shape holding your stomach in.
I'll give you a six pack with the computer.
Oh, okay, great.
Now I can look like Val Kilmer as Batman instead of Val Kilmer as he looks today.
All right, you can suck it in a little bit.
Okay, you're home.
Got a little surprise for you.
All right.
Say hello to my little friend.
Oh, my God.
So cute.
I didn't think there could be a smaller version of you.
I know, right?
And thanks to photographs and little 3D modeling, here comes the bride.
Oh, Howie, I love these.
I thought you might.
Were they expensive?
It didn't cost a thing.
I made them myself.
How?
Kuther Polly and I bought a used 3D printer for $5,000.
$5,000 for a couple of dolls?
Are you out of your mind?
Not just a couple of dolls.
For as many dolls as we want.
And whistles.
At any point did it dawn on you to talk to me about spending this kind of money?
It's kind of dawning on me now.
I don't believe you.
Howie, we can't afford to waste money on junk like this.
What are you talking about?
We make plenty of money.
I make plenty of money.
You make peanuts.
Yes, but we're married now.
That means when you get sick, I take care of you.
And when you make a bunch of money, I get to buy stuff.
Sorry if you don't like it, but that's how love works.
No, here's how love works.
You're going to return the machine, or you could print out a working set of lady parts and sleep with those.
Oh, my God, are you actually thinking about it?
All right, test my ringtone.
Rock is mad!
That really is a good song.
Oh, yeah.
There's a reason he's so Elton John.
They don't make you a knight for writing, wake me up before you go-go.
Howard, are you coming down for breakfast?
Ma, I told you I have a video conference with NASA.
I said don't bother me.
Listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Yes, please listen to Mr. Big Shot Astronaut!
Hey, good morning.
Hey, Howard.
Thanks for getting up so early.
No problem, Dr. Massimino.
The guys here call me Mass.
Mass, that's a cool nickname, because force equals mass times acceleration.
Yeah, it's just short for Massimino.
Anyway, the plan for this morning is to go over the... Sorry, my phone.
What is that?
Is that Rocket Man?
Yeah, my ringtone, kind of my favorite song, Rocket Man.
Howard, your Froot Loops are getting soggy!
Not now!
Who's that?
My mom, sorry.
No problem, Froot Loops.
Boy, oh boy, that's a lot of pieces.
You know what they all do, right?
Yes, of course.
What about this one?
Well, how familiar are you with miniaturized integrated logic circuits?
Not very.
That right there is a miniaturized integrated logic circuit.
So can you get it working?
I'm an MIT-trained engineer.
I built components for the space station.
I thought the zero-gravity toilet didn't work.
It worked fine.
It just wasn't designed for Russian cosmonauts and their potato-based diet.
