back door has a five-pin tumbler system, single circuit alarm, child's play.
You can start sorting protons and neutrons while I build carbon atoms.
No, I don't think so.
We need to go home now.
But I'm still working.
If you don't come out of there, I'm going to have to drag you out.
You can try, but you'll never catch me.
For God's sakes!
Come here!
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Come here!
Bazinga.
Bazinga.
Bazinga!
Bazinga!
Bazinga!
You left your underwear in the dryer downstairs.
Those are not mine.
Really?
They have your little name label in them.
Yeah, no, I use those just to polish up my spearfishing equipment.
A spearfish. when I'm not crossbow hunting.
Uh, Penny, this is Sheldon's twin sister, Missy.
Missy, this is our neighbor, Penny.
Hi.
Wow, you don't look that much alike.
Can I get a hallelujah?
Fraternal twins come from two separate eggs.
They are no more alike than any other siblings.
Hallelujah!
Hey, guess what?
I've been accepted as a test subject for a new miracle drug to overcome pathological shyness.
For you, Raj.
Yes, I'm very hopeful.
Hello, Missy.
They mentioned there may be side effects.
I am Shiva the Destroyer.
I will have the woman.
I'm warning you, I was judo champion at birth camp.
All right, that's enough juvenile squabbling.
Stop it.
Stop it, I say!
I'm gonna settle this right now.
Neither of you are good enough for my sister.
Who are you to decide that?
He's the man of his family.
You have to respect his wishes.
You're out too, by the way.
Say what?
It's nothing personal.
I'd just prefer if my future niece or nephew didn't become flatulent every time they ate an Eskimo pie.
What are you so happy about?
I'm not happy.
It's the medication.
I can't stop smiling.
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Take that!
You want some more?
And ease down!
Come on, come on, get up!
Stay down, bitch.
Yeah!
Natural selection at work.
I weep for humanity.
Excuse me while I go tell Missy the good news.
Hey, Leonard.
Oh, hi, Penny.
How's it going?
Listen, that guy Mike that you were dating, is that still going on?
Uh, pretty much.
Why?
Nothing, just catching up.
By the way, may I speak to Missy, please?
Of course.
Hi, Leonard.
What's up?
Well, since you're leaving tomorrow, I was wondering if you'd like to go to dinner with me.
That's so sweet.
But no thanks.
Oh.
Do you have other plans or...?
No.
Oh.
All right.
Uh... Enjoy the rest of your evening.
Thanks.
See ya.
What do you see?
What do you see?
I can't... The living room appears to be empty.
Okay, he must be in his bedroom.
My spare glasses are in my bedroom, on my dresser, next to my bat signal.
I'm not going in there.
Raj?
No way, Jose.
Look, I can't do it.
I can't see anything.
It's all right.
Wireless minicam and Bluetooth headset will be your eyes.
Fine.
One more thing.
This is a subsonic impact sensor.
If Sheldon gets out of bed and starts to walk, this device will register it and send the signal to the laptop.
At that point, based on the geography of the apartment and the ambulatory speed of a sick Sheldon, you'll have seven seconds to get out glasses or no glasses.
Won't my footsteps set it off?
No, you'll be on your hands and knees.
Now, you'll need to get the sensor as close as you can to Sheldon's room.
But how do I carry it if I'm on my hands and knees?
Stay low.
Bear left.
Now keep true.
What?
It means go straight.
Then just say go straight.
You don't say go straight when you're giving bearings.
You say keep true.
All right.
I just hit my head.
Because you didn't keep true.
The picture's breaking up.
Angle your head to the right.
Now a little more.
A little more.
That's it.
Now just keep true.
All right, you're close enough to Sheldon's room.
Deploy the sensor.
Now turn it on.
It wasn't on.
No.
Then why did I have to crawl?
No, I guess he didn't.
Okay, it's on.
Good.
From this point forward, you will have to crawl.
I know.
Hang on.
The sensor's picking up something.
Turn your head back.
You rat bastard.
Okay, the sensor would work.
Why?
You deliberately stuck me with Sheldon.
Come on, I had to.
You see what he's like?
Betty, Betty, I'm hungry.
Uh, it's okay, sweetie.
Good news.
Leonard's home.
No!
Here you go.
Good luck.
Bye.
Wait, wait.
Leonard, I'm hungry.
Wait, Penny, take me with you!
I want grilled cheese.
Some guy is auctioning off a miniature time machine prop from the original film and no one is bidding on it.
A time machine from the movie The Time Machine?
No, a time machine from Sophie's Choice.
Boy, Sophie could have used a time machine in that movie.
Did you see it?
It's rough.
Oh, that's cool.
It's only $800?
Yeah, and that's my bid.
You bid $800?
It was a spur-of-the-moment thing.
I figured it would go for thousands, and I just wanted to be a part of it.
There's only 30 seconds left in the auction.
Do you have $800?
Not to blow on a miniature time machine.
Well, don't worry.
The way these things work is people wait until the last second of bid and then they swoop in and get it.
It's called sniping.
15 seconds.
Come on, snipers.
Ten, nine, eight.
Where are your snipers?
Five.
Snipe.
Four.
Snipe.
Three.
Snipe.
Two.
Snipe!
Congratulations.
You are the proud owner of a miniature time machine.
You lucky duck.
I wonder why no one else bid.
This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
I know.
I understand why no one else bid.
A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower.
Event B We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend.
On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Ah, yes.
Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Which is?
You think with your penis.
That's a biological impossibility, and you didn't have to come.
Oh, right.
Yes, I could have stayed behind to watch Wolowitz try to hit on Penny in Russian, Arabic, and Farsi.
Why can't she get her own TV?
There's some kind of dispute between Penny and her ex-boyfriend as to who gets custody of the TV.
She just wanted to avoid having a scene with him.
So we get to have a scene with him?
No, Sheldon, there's not going to be a scene.
I'll do the talking.
Yeah.
Uh, hi, I'm Leonard.
This is Sheldon.
Hello.
What did I just... Uh, we're here to pick up Penny's TV.
Okay, thanks for your time.
We're not going to give up just like that.
Leonard, the TV's in the building.
We've been denied access to the building, ergo we are done.
Come on, we have a combined IQ of 360.
We should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
What do you think their combined IQ is?
Just grab the door.
This is it.
I'll do the talking.
Good thinking.
I'll just be the muscle.
Yeah?
I'm Leonard.
This is Sheldon.
From the intercom.
How the hell did you get in the building?
Uh, we're scientists.
Tell him about our IQ.
Leonard.
What?
My mom bought me those pants.
I'm sorry.
Oh, no.
Oh, hey, Leonard.
Good afternoon, Penny.
So, hi, hey.
Uh... I was wondering if you had plans for dinner.
Uh, you mean dinner tonight?
I was thinking 6.30, if you can go, or a different time.
Uh, 6.30's great.
Really?
Great.
Yeah, I like hanging out with you guys.
Us guys?
You know, Sheldon, Howard, Raj.
Who else coming?
They... might all be there.
Or a subset of them might be there.
Algebraically speaking, there are too many unknowns.
Okay, whatever.
It sounds like fun.
Great.
Did we say a time?
6.30.
And that's still good for you?
It's fine.
Because it's not carved in stone.
No, 6.30 is great.
I'll get my chisel.
Why?
To carve the... Okay, I'll see you 6.30.
Are the rest of the guys meeting this year?
Oh, yeah.
No.
Well, it turns out that Raj and Howard had to work and Sheldon had a colonoscopy and he hasn't quite bounced back yet.
My uncle just had a colonoscopy.
You're kidding.
That's something we have in common.
How?
We both have people in our lives who want to nip intestinal polyps in the butt.
So what's new in the world of physics?
Nothing.
Well, with the exception of string theory, not much has happened since the 1930s.
And you can't prove string theory.
At best, you can say, hey, look, my idea has an internal logical consistency.
Hey, do you want to see something cool?
I can make this olive go into this glass without touching it.
How?
Physics.
Wow, centripetal force.
Actually, it's centripetal force, which is an inward force generated by the glass acting on the olive.
Excuse me.
Now, if you were riding on the olive, you'd be in a noninertial reference frame and would.
Are you okay?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Did you spill ketchup?
No.
I'm not okay.
Sheldon, why is this letter in the trash?
Well, there's always the possibility that a trash can spontaneously formed around the letter.
But Occam's razor would suggest that someone threw it out.
It's from the Institute for Experimental Physics.
They want us to present our paper on the properties of super solids at the topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates.
I know.
I read it before I threw it out.
If I may drill down to the bedrock of my question, why did you throw it out?
Because I have no interest in standing in the rose room of the Pasadena Marriott in front of a group of judgmental strangers who wouldn't recognize true genius if it were standing in front of them giving a speech.
Which if I were there, it would be.
I don't know, Sheldon, those topical conference on Bose-Einstein condensates parties are legendary.
Forget the parties?
Forget the parties?
What a nerd.
Are there any other honors I've gotten that I don't know about?
Did UPS drop off a Nobel Prize with my name on it?
Leonard, please don't take this the wrong way, but the day you win a Nobel Prize is the day I begin my research on the drag coefficient of tassels on flying carpets.
The only thing missing from that insult was your mama.
I got one.
Hey, Leonard, your mama's research methodology is so flawed.
Shut up, Howard.
Sheldon, we have to do this.
No, we don't.
We have to take in nourishment, expel waste, and inhale enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying.
Everything else is optional.
Okay, let me put it this way.
I'm doing it.
You can't.
I'm the lead author.
Come on.
The only reason you're the lead author is because we went alphabetically.
I let you think we went alphabetically to spare you the humiliation of dealing with the fact that it was my idea.
Not to put too fine a point on it, but I was throwing you a bone.
You're welcome.
Excuse me, I designed the experiment to prove the hypothesis.
It doesn't need proving.
So the entire scientific community is just supposed to take your word?
They're not supposed to, but they should.
All right, I don't care what you say.
I'm going to the conference and I'm presenting our findings.
And I forbid it.
You forbid it?
If I'm not taking credit for our work, then nobody is.
So you admit that it's our work?
No, once again, I'm throwing you a bone.
And once again, you are welcome.
Oh, no, he didn't.
Are there any questions?
Yeah.
What the hell was that?
Any other questions?
Dr. Sheldon Cooper here.
I am the lead author of this particular paper.
Thank you.
And you sir, you have completely skipped over the part where I was walking through the park and I saw these children on a merry-go-round, which started me thinking about the moment of inertia in gases like helium at temperatures approaching absolute zero.
I didn't skip it.
It's just an anecdote.
It's not science.
Oh, oh, I see.
It was the apple falling on Newton's head.
Was that just an anecdote?
You are not Isaac Newton.
No, no, that's true.
Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple. not possibly be that arrogant.
You continue to underestimate me, my good man.
Look, if you weren't happy with my presentation, then maybe you should have given it with me.
As I've explained repeatedly, unlike you, I don't need validation from lesser minds.
No offense.
Really?
So why did you come?
Because I knew you'd screw this up.
Maybe I didn't go to college when I was 11 like you.
Maybe I got my doctorate at 24 instead of 16.
But you are not the only person who is smarter than everyone else in this room.
No offense.
And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
So you admit you're an egotist?
Yes.
My name is Dr Leonard Hofstetter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all my self-esteem from strangers like you.
But he's worse.
OK, that is it.
Stop it.
You cannot blow up my head with your mind.
Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.
Stop it.
You hit me.
You saw that.
He hit me.
I'm trying to blow up my head.
So it was working.
It wasn't.
It was not.
You are a nutcase.
Oh, see about that.
Heads up, you people in the front row.
This is a splash zone.
Stop it.
Quit it.
Is this usually how these physics things go?
More often than you think.
What the hell is that?
I don't know, but if cats could sing, they'd hate it too.
Hey, guys!
Hi!
Where are you going?
What?
We just had to mail some letters.
And... throw away some chicken.
You'll never guess what just happened.
I give up.
I don't guess.
As a scientist, I reach conclusions based on observation and experimentation.
Although, as I'm saying this, it occurs to me you may have been employing a rhetorical device, rendering my response moot.
What was that?
Believe it or not, personal growth.
What happened?
All right, remember when I auditioned for that workshop production of Rent but I didn't get it and I couldn't figure out why.
I have a conclusion based on an observation.
No, you don't.
Well, the girl they picked to play Mimi, she dropped out, and they asked me to replace her.
Oh, congratulations.
What a lucky break.
It's not a big deal, just a one-night showcase, but they invite a lot of casting people and agents, so you never know.
I think I know.
No, you don't.
He doesn't.
It's this Friday at 8.
You guys want to come?
No.
Because, uh, Friday, we are attending a symposium on molecular positronium.
I think that's a week from Tuesday at six.
No, it's this Friday.
At eight.
Oh, too bad.
Well, I gotta get to rehearsal.
See you guys.
See ya.
Let's go out tonight.
You just lied to Penny.
Yes, I did.
But you did it so casually.
No rapid breathing, no increase in perspiration.
So?
So lack of a physiological response while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
No.
I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.
That's very true.
I think it really works in the room.
Yeah, it is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions the subterranean Morlocks who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle, surface-dwelling Eloy.
Talk about your chick magnets.
Oh, yeah.
The guy who lives next to me is always like, I have a jacuzzi on my balcony.
I have a jacuzzi on my balcony.
But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony.
Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns, but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
You can't just keep it here.
What if I meet a girl and say, you want to come up and see my time machine?
It's at my friend's house.
How lame is that?
He's got a point.
All right, I think we're going to need some ground rules.
In addition to the expected no shoes in the time machine and no eating in the time machine I propose that we add pants must be worn at all times in the time machine.
Seconded.
I was gonna put down a towel.
I still want it on my balcony.
I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
Yeah, that sounds fair.
Hold on.
Bimonthly is an ambiguous term.
Do you mean move it every other month or twice a month?
Twice a month.
Then no.
Okay.
Every other month?
No.
Sheldon, you can't be selfish.
We all paid for it, so it belongs to all of us.
Now get out of the way so I can sit in my time machine.
Okay.
I am setting the dials for March 10th, 1876.
Good choice.
Alexander Graham Bell invents the telephone and calls out for Dr. Watson.
Wait a minute.
I'd want to see that, too.
So, when it's your turn, you can.
If we all go back to the same point in time, Bell's lab's going to get very crowded.
He'll know something's up.
Also, since the time machine doesn't move in space, you'll end up in 1876 Pasadena.
And even if you can make it to Boston, what are you going to do?
Knock on the door and say to Mrs. Bell, hey, Mrs. Bell, big fan of your husband.
Can I come in and watch him invent the telephone?
Mrs. Bell was deaf.
She's not even going to hear you knock.
I have a solution.
First, go into the future and obtain a cloaking device.
How far into the future?
If I remember correctly, Captain Kirk will steal a cloaking device from the Romulans on stardate 50273, which would be January 10th 2328 by Pre-Federation Reckoning.
Okay, I am setting the dials for January 10th, 2328.
Here we go into the future.
That was fun.
See you Saturday?
I don't think so.
Why not?
I don't celebrate my birthday.
Shut up.
Yeah, you do.
It's no big deal.
It's just the way I was raised.
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
That's so silly.
It's actually based on very sound theories.
His mother published a paper on it.
Well, what was it called?
I hate my son, and that's why he can't have cake?
It was obviously effective.
Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.
Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Thank you.
Well, I love birthdays.
Waking up to Mom's special French toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Yeah, see?
That's what kids should have.
Actually, that was last year.
So you really never had a birthday party?
No, but it was okay.
I mean when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.
Like this one birthday.
I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.
When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
And?
Uh, it turns out my grandfather had died.
Oh, my God, that's terrible. it was kind of like a birthday party.
I got to see all my cousins, and there was cake, so... That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
You think?
Go ahead.
Tell her about your senior prom.
I'm back.
I'm sorry I yelled at you.
It's not your fault.
What happened?
Well, I went over to Mike's to make up with him.
Yeah, no, I know that part.
But he had already moved on.
Already?
That was quick.
That's what I said to the woman who had her legs wrapped around his neck.
Oh, Penny, I am so sorry.
How could he do that?
You know, you did throw an 80-gig iPod.
Yeah, no, how could he do that?
I swear to God, I am done with guys like that.
You know, macho with the perfect body and the hair and the money.
Yeah, that must get old quick.
You know just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice and honest and who actually cares about me.
What about me?
What about you what?
What about if you went out with me?
Are you asking me out?
Um, yes.
I am.
Asking you out.
Wow.
I was just going off your comment about the nice guy.
No, I know.
I got that.
And honest.
Yeah, totally.
So, but it's no big deal.
Yes.
Guess what?
Yes, I will go out with you.
Really?
Yeah.
Why not?
I mean, what do I have to lose?
Yeah.
That's the spirit.
What you're eating is not technically yogurt, because it doesn't have enough live acidophilus cultures.
It's really just ice milk with carrageenan added for thickness.
Oh, that's very interesting.
It's also not pink and has no berries.
Yeah, but it doesn't really answer my question.
What was your question again?
Do you want some?
Right, no.
I'm lactose intolerant.
Right.
So, gas.
What are you doing?
There's a draft.
I don't feel a draft.
Why don't we just go into your... Oh, yeah.
You know, but maybe we should slow things down a little.
No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to go fast.
No, I know.
I know what you meant.
It's just, it's only our first date.
Sure, no problem.
Why don't we just figure out where we're going and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time.
Solve for R. Or we could just wing it.
That might work, too.
Good night, Leonard.
Good night.
He's coming.
Screen saver.
Oh, hey, Leonard.
How was your date?
Bite me.
It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
No, he was some kind of scientist.
Let me start again.
Oh, hey, Leonard.
Hello.
Leslie.
Hi.
Okay, well, good night.
Well, good night.
That ain't gonna make your point.
Okay, okay, that's enough.
Good night.
Uh, what?
Had a great time.
Ciao.
Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Yes.
Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Yes.
Brown rice, not white?
Yes.
Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Yes.
Did you pick up the less sodium soy sauce from the market?
Yes.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
What took you so long?
Just sit down and eat.
Fine.
All right, it's shredded.
What do you want me to do?
Excuse me.
What the hell is wrong with you?
I'm helping you with Stephanie.
By making constipated moose sounds?
When I fail to open this jar and you succeed, it will establish you as the alpha male.
You see, when a female witnesses an exhibition of physical domination, she produces the hormone oxytocin.
If the two of you then engage in intercourse, this will create the biochemical reaction in the brain which lay people naively interpret as falling in love.
Huh.
Would it work if I just punched you in the face?
Yes, actually, it will, but let's see how the lid goes.
I'm not strong enough, Leonard.
You'll have to do it.
God's sakes.
Go ahead.
It's pre-loosened.
Do you want some help with this?
No, no, no.
I got it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, he's got it.
And that's not surprising.
This is something I long ago came to peace with, and my role is the beta male.
Open it.
Ow.
Oh, my God.
Ow.
Are you okay?
No, I'm bleeding.
Like a gladiator.
You're gonna need stitches.
Stitches?
With a needle?
Well, yeah.
I mean, just a few.
Oh, okay.
Yeah, hang on a sec.
FYI, I was defrosting a steak in there.
I'm sorry, I totally interrupted you.
What were you saying?
Oh.
Right, yeah, um... So, Stephanie, here's the thing.
I really like you.
Oh, God, here comes the speech.
What speech?
I really like you, but maybe we should spend a little less time together because I need my space.
But I'll call you on Tuesday, and then you never call me, so I call you, but you don't call me back.
And then, when I run into you at the coffee shop, you pretend like you've been having problems with your voicemail and I know that you're lying, but I pretend like I don't care, even though I'm dying inside.
No.
No, no.
I wasn't gonna say any of that.
I was just gonna say... I really like you.
Oh, good.
Because I really like you, too.
Terrific.
The problem appears to be unsolvable.
Maybe we could run some computer simulations.
There are too many variables.
It would take forever.
We've got to be missing something.
Let's start again.
The movie is playing here at 720, here at 740, here at 810, and here at 845.
All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.
Why?
They're state of the art.
Digital projection, 20 channel surround sound.
Yes, but they have no IC machines.
Despite my aggressive letter-writing campaign, I might add.
What about the multiplex here?
The seats are terrific.
They have Twizzlers instead of Red Vines.
No amount of lumbar support can compensate for that.
Well, it's going to take at least an hour to eat, and I don't see a Sheldon-approved restaurant proximate to a Sheldon-approved theater.
We could eat off to the movie.
Unacceptable.
The delay would result in tomorrow morning's bowel movement occurring at work.
Hang on, hang on.
There's a 7-11 here.
We smuggle Slurpees which are essentially ICs in under our coats after having a pleasant meal either here, here or here.
Wow.
I don't see how we missed that.
Excuse me, in what universe are Slurpees ICs?
That's how we missed it.
Sheldon, would you be prepared, on a non-precedential basis, to create an emergency ad hoc slurpy icy equivalency?
Oh, Leonard, you know I can't do that.
Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Yep, I don't see anywhere around it.
Bye, Sheldon.
See ya.
Little dude.
They're right, it was the only option.
Your Facebook status update.
Leonard Hofstetter is in a relationship.
What?
No.
No, that's not right.
Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did?
Speaking as an expert, way to look needy.
Seriously?
You went first after only two weeks?
That's bold.
It's not bold.
It's a mistake.
I didn't change my status.
Well, then who did?
I had no choice.
He cried in front of her.
You hacked my Facebook account?
Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, Kal-El.
Are you insane?
Now she's going to think I'm desperate.
You've destroyed this relationship.
And you want to know.
The worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong, because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
In which I am not... Don't even... Don't want to hear another word out of you.
Boo.
What's wrong, Lassie?
Timmy fall down the well?
Oh, wow.
She just updated her Facebook status.
Stephanie Barnett is in a relationship with Leonard Hofstetter.
Really?
Look at that.
I have a girlfriend.
If I'm permitted to speak again, Dr. Sheldon Cooper, for the win.
Is everything clear on the plan?
Yes.
Kuther Polly's going to wet himself.
I'm going to throw up, Sheldon's going to run away and you're going to die.
Shall we synchronize our watches?
Yes, there are four of us and one of him.
Which means his triumph will be even larger.
Menstruals will write songs about him.
Okay, how about this?
I'll do the talking.
You just stand behind me and try to look formidable.
I should have peed before we left.
Yeah?
Hi, Kurt.
Lenny, right?
I don't really go by Lenny, but that's okay.
You remember Sheldon, Howard, and Raj?
No.
What do you want?
You don't remember me.
How could he not remember me?
Sheldon, not now.
I remember him.
Okay, here it is.
Penny's in kind of a financial jam, and the money that you owe her would go a long way to solving her problems, and she sent you to get it from me.
No, no, she's too proud to ask for the money.
I, on the other hand, feel you should honor your debt.
You do?
Feel is kind of a strong word.
I just think it'd be a nice gesture on your part.
She'll get it when she gets it.
Well, there you go.
Problem solved.
A successful quest.
Now let's find a gas station with a clean bathroom.
No, the problem isn't solved.
He just blew us off.
I've got it.
He didn't remember me because the last time we met, I was in a Halloween costume.
Come on, Leonard.
Let's go.
No, you can leave if you want to.
I'm going to see this through.
I guess technically that was my fault.
I'm not leaving here without Penny's money.
What happened to your backup?
I don't need backup.
I have Wright on my side.
And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.
Congratulations.
You may not have succeeded in getting cash, but you did secure a formal acknowledgement of the debt.
Maybe we should have your head notarized.
Oh, boy.
What?
I can't comment without violating our agreement that I not criticize your work.
Then what was oh boy?
Great restraint on my part.
There's nothing wrong with the science here.
Perhaps you mean a different thing than I do when you say science.
Okay, how's that?
You actually had it right in the first place.
Once again, you've fallen for one of my classic pranks.
Bazinga.
Well, now, here's a peculiar email.
The president of the university wants me to meet him at his office tomorrow morning at 8 a.m.
Why?
Doesn't say.
Must be an emergency.
Everyone at the university knows I eat breakfast at 8 and move my bowels at 8.20.
Yes, how did we live before Twitter?
I guess you'll find out what it is in the morning.
That's 14 hours away.
And for the next 840 minutes, I'm effectively one of Heisenberg's particles.
I know where I am, or I know how fast I'm going, but I can't know both.
How am I supposed to carry on with this huge, annoying thing hovering over my head?
Yeah, I know the feeling.
Want to get a little crazy?
What are you thinking?
Let's slide over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
You are a dirty girl.
Oh, God, how did he know?
Hello?
Hi, Howard.
Am I interrupting?
A little bit, yeah.
Guess I should have called.
Yeah, maybe.
Tonight's the night I usually go line dancing with Raj at the Palomino.
Uh-huh.
But he's working with Sheldon.
Yes, we know.
Want me to leave?
You know, whatever.
Okay, I guess I can hang for a little while.
You really are a genius.
Not really.
I googled how to do that.
So, listen.
Have you ever made a pact with someone?
You mean like a pinky swear?
Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.
Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.
You know, from Sesame Street?
Yeah, I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.
Then we found out we both wanted Ernie.
We didn't speak again until middle school.
Over puppets?
The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.
OK.
Speaking of what the heart wants.
A long time ago I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.
OK.
I don't know where you're going with this, but tread carefully, because it may be the last conversation we ever have.
No, no.
Nothing like that.
The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend, we'd have her fix the other one up with one of her friends.
And you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Well, sure as hell wasn't going to bring it up before sex.
During I was trying to remember what I read on Google, so I'm not looking Wallowitz up with one of my friends.
Come on, it doesn't have to be a good friend.
And you know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
The problem isn't what's on the inside.
It's the creepy candy coating.
Will you at least think about it?
Just as a favor to me.
The great thing about Ernie was he never asked me for anything.
He just gave.
The best I can tell, there are eight other campsites nearby, mostly science nerds like us.
But just over Yon Ridge are two not unattractive middle school teachers who reek of desperation.
Wonderful.
How old are they?
I don't know, 50, 55?
Oh, menopause.
Nature's birth control.
Come on.
You guys can't be that hard up.
I am.
Yeah, me too.
They gave me homemade cookies.
Of course they did.
That's what grandmothers do.
So what are we waiting for?
Relax.
I said we'd stop by a little later after they have their nap.
Good idea.
They'll be refreshed.
Cookie?
Thank you.
Not bad.
Yeah, very tasty.
Wait, so tell me more about these tea shows.
Not much to tell.
I had a VW microbus and we're wearing tie-dyed Grateful Dead t-shirts.
Good cookies.
Stars are pretty, aren't they?
Up above the world so high, like little diamonds in the sky.
That's beautiful, dude.
You should write that down before someone steals it.
So when do the meteors get here?
The meteors don't get here.
The Earth is moving into their path.
I can feel it.
I can feel the Earth moving.
It's moving too fast.
Raj, slow it down.
Okay, how's that?
Better, thanks.
Stars are pretty, aren't they?
That's so funny.
It's your American accent.
Everything you say sounds stupid.
Stores are pretty, aren't they?
How's your experiment going?
Terrific.
We're getting the electron accelerator set up.
We should be ready to go day after tomorrow.
Boy, I'd love to see that.
You're welcome to come.
Really?
That'd be great.
How exciting is that?
Like Hanukkah in July.
Did I have that?
No.
Oh, you got me again.
This is a nonfat yogurt.
This is fatty fat fat.
Excuse me.
Could you grab me another napkin, sweetie?
Sure.
Thanks, honey.
All right, what is your deal?
Excuse me?
Inviting my girlfriend to come see your electron accelerator?
Yeah, so?
Wow, you really are a piece of work.
It's not enough you get the prom queen, you have to get the head of the decorating committee too.
What are you talking about?
Don't play innocent with me.
I practically invented using fancy lab equipment to seduce women.
Has it ever worked?
Not so far, but that's not the point.
Howard, relax.
I am not interested in your girlfriend.
I hope not.
I mean, you don't want to mess with me.
I'm crazy.
I believe you.
You could always learn more about why people who believe in psychics are idiots, Leonard.
Oh, we don't need to talk about that anymore.
Leonard covered it pretty well in the car.
I'm sorry, but facts are facts.
Right, and if you can't understand it, it's not a fact.
No, if it's not a fact, it's not a fact.
Oh, got it.
Thank you for educating me.
You're welcome.
How's your fish?
Amazing.
Would you like to try some?
Yeah, sure.
Well, the fact is you can't.
Howard, Bernadette, you're both scientists.
Help me out here.
What do you think?
Want to jump right in the middle of another couple's argument?
No, thank you.
Maybe we should just stop talking about this.
Maybe some of us should stop talking altogether.
How's everything tonight?
Really uncomfortable.
Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
No, no, I'm good.
If my PE teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Did you just quote Star Wars?
I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Oh, my God.
I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
I love you, Penny.
Thank you.
I just want to put that out there.
Oh, yeah.
No.
I'm glad.
Oh, good.
Glad is good.
Yeah.
No.
Um... So... It's getting pretty late.
We should probably go to sleep.
Yeah.
Okay.
Probably.
Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
I've been seeing Penny behind your back.
Okay.
When you say seeing Penny, what exactly does that mean?
We had dinner last night.
She made me spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in it.
Fine.
Why did you have dinner with Penny?
I told you she made spaghetti with little hot dogs.
I like spaghetti with little hot dogs.
Then why did you have Chinese food with us?
I didn't want to upset you.
Howard made it very clear that my allegiance should be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Is it possible he said bros before hoes?
Yes, but I rephrased it to avoid offending the hoes.
Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Well, who wants to stay in a hotel with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
I'm so glad you understand.
No, he doesn't understand.
I understand.
I understand, too.
You're just misappropriating my understanding.
I think any university would want you except, of course, any university that had already had you, because they would have already wanted you before they, you know, got you.
From the mind that brought you high-low.
Let me show you to your room.
All right.
I guess I am tired.
Good night, Leonard.
Uh, sleep night.
I mean, obviously, good night.
I started to say sleep tight, and then I changed my mind in the middle.
I swear to God, I'm smart.
Get it together, ma'am.
It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, too.
Enjoying your stay?
Yes, very much.
Good.
Excuse me.
Okay, well, I guess I should get dressed so I can take everyone to work.
You and Sheldon and Sheldon's friend, Dr. Plimpton, who you just met.
It'd be fun.
Like a clown car.
Hang on.
We just broke up.
You and me?
Yeah, we did not too long ago.
How you doing with it?
Not as good as you, apparently.
I don't follow.
You know what?
It's none of my business.
If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stop seeing each other, go for it.
Well, no.
Excuse me.
I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr Plimpton who, I assure you, has better things to do.
I'm not recommending it.
I'm saying it already happened.
That's preposterous.
Tell her, Leonard.
Well... No.
Oh, come on.
It wasn't my fault.
The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
You know what?
I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Penny, I can still drive you.
Oh, no, no, it's okay.
You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.
I must say, I'm shocked by this betrayal.
I didn't betray Penny.
Not Penny.
Me.
How am I betraying you?
Elizabeth's my friend, and you're playing with her.
Yeah, I guess I did.
Uh, I'm Leonard Hofstetter.
I called you about the apartment.
You said to come by or... I know what I said.
I know what you said.
I know what my mother said on March 5th, 1992.
What is the sixth noble gas?
What?
You said you're a scientist.
What is the sixth noble gas?
Uh, radon?
Are you asking me or telling me?
Telling you.
Telling you.
All right.
Next question.
Kirk or Picard?
Oh, well, that's tricky.
Original series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Correct.
You've passed the first barrier to roommate-hood.
You may enter.
Oh, this is pretty nice.
Bedrooms are back there?
That depends.
I don't understand.
Their existence is conditional?
No, but your ability to perceive their existence is conditional on you passing the second and third barriers.
There's three?
Each more daunting than the last.
Have a seat.
Okay.
No, that's where I sit.
Excuse me, but I've been working on this a long time.
Trust me, it'll work.
You don't see your mistake, do you?
There's no mistake.
This is for a full-scale rocket, not a model.
Well, I've adjusted the formula.
Not correctly.
Okay, I've had it with you.
You might be an expert on theoretical physics and science fiction programs and where to sit on a freaking couch, but this is applied physics.
And when it comes to applied physics... Uh, uh, uh, oh.
A bad thing, a very bad thing.
Get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door, get the door!
You're waiting for the elevator?
Oh, right.
Wait, it's you!
What'd you do that for?
I had plenty of time.
You're welcome.
Oh, hi.
What's going on?
We're up on the roof bouncing laser beams off the moon.
I'm sorry, what?
It's pretty cool.
We've got a two-meter parabolic reflector and everything.
I thought you might want to see it.
That makes no sense.
How can you bounce stuff off the moon?
There's no gravity.
Leonard, this is Zach.
Zach Leonard.
Hey.
Sorry, I didn't know you were busy.
Maybe another time.
Yeah, maybe.
Hey, I want to see this laser thing.
Oh, but what about the party?
It's a surprise party.
It doesn't matter when we get there.
Oh, right.
Okay, well, yeah, come on up.
So, how did you guys meet?
My company designs the venues for the Cheesecake Factory.
Well, my dad's, but me and my sister are VPs.
So, menus.
I know it sounds easy, but there's a lot of science that goes into designing them.
I can do it.
She can do it.
I can do it.
She can do it.
I can do it.
I can't do it.
Hello?
Hi.
Hey.
Hi, Leslie.
Leonard Hofstadter.
What are you doing here?
I know.
It's been a while.
Yeah, 18 months.
Right.
Right.
How you doing?
Fine.
You?
Not bad.
Do you remember when we used to have sex and you said that it didn't mean anything, it was just for fun?
Yeah.
Do you want to do that again?
What happened?
Blondie dumped you?
She didn't dump me.
We were just in different places in the relationship.
Right.
Um anyway, apparently it's okay to go back to people you're no longer seeing and have recreational sex with them.
Uh-huh.
So what do you say?
Let me think about it.
She's not coming back.
