Coming to get you.
Oh, nice new suit, Harry.
Oh, ta.
I like the yellow and brown cheeks.
You must have had a good day.
Couldn't have been better.
I say.
Couldn't have been better, I tell you.
We're a lot richer tonight than we was this morning.
Oh.
That's what I like to hear.
Your husband has sold no less than five cars.
Five?
Each one at a tidy profit.
Harry, you're a marvel.
Did you hear this, Michael?
Five cars, each at a tidy profit?
Yeah.
Sawdust in the gearboxes, the electric drill on the speedometer cables, a splash of paint here and there and a few other clever little tricks, and idiots were all falling over themselves to buy.
Of course they were.
What?
We need to celebrate.
How's about I nip out and get fish and chips?
That's my goal.
Won't be long.
Now then, Mike, my son, listen to your clever old dad.
Matilda, pass him that pad and pencil from off the side there.
Come on, buck up.
Here you are.
Right.
Now...
Seeing as you'll be going into the business with me one day, you've got to know how to add up the profits you make at the end of each day, right?
Yeah.
When you're in big business like I am, you've got to be hot stuff at arithmetic.
So, write down these figures.
Car number one was bought by me for £278 and sold for £1,425.
Got that?
Yeah.
Car number two cost me £118 and sold for £760.
Right?
Yeah.
Car number three cost £111 and sold for £999.50.
How much?
£999.50.
Cool!
Look, never ask for a big round figure.
Always go just below it.
It sounds much less, but it isn't.
Clever, eh?
You're brilliant, Dad.
Car number four cost 86 pounds, a real wreck that was, and sold for 699 pounds 50.
699 pounds... 50.
50.
Car number five cost 637 pounds and I sold it for 1649.50.
Got it?
I think so.
Right, son.
Now, work out the profit I made on each car and add up the total.
Then you'll be able to tell me how much money your brilliant father made altogether today.
That's a lot of sums.
Course it is.
But it took me less than ten minutes to work the whole thing out.
You mean you did it in your head?
Well, not exactly.
Nobody could do that.
Dad?
Don't butt in, Matilda.
You made exactly £4,303.50 altogether.
I said don't butt in.
Your brother and I are busy with iFinance.
But Dad... Shut up!
Stop guessing and try to be clever.
Look at your answer, Dad.
If you've done it right, it ought to be £4,303.50.
Is that what you've got?
Say that again.
£4,303.50.
I'm sure it's right.
You little cheat.
You looked at my piece of paper.
No.
You read it all from what I got written here.
Daddy, I'm the other side of the room.
How could I possibly see it?
Don't give me that rubbish.
Of course you looked.
I didn't.
You must have looked.
No.
No one in the world could get the right answer like that, especially a girl.
You're a little cheat, madam.
That's what you are.
I'm not.
You're a cheat and a liar.
I'm not.
Fish and chips all round.
Harry, you've gone all red in the face.
Whatever's the matter?
Your daughter is a cheat and a liar.
I'm not.
I promise I'm not.
Not another word out of you.
Do as your father says, Matilda.
Shut up.
Michael, turn the telly on and let's not have any more talk.
There was no doubt in my mind that this deserved more punishment, and my brain went to work on various possibilities.
Soon I had a plan.
It involved my mother's platinum blonde hair dye extra strong, which she kept on one shelf in the bathroom, and my father's oil of violets hair tonic, which he kept on another shelf and which he massaged into his scalp every morning, making great grunting noises as he did so.
Oh, get on with you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, that's a ticky.
Oh, rub it, rub it.
Oh, into the room.
Oh, into the room.
Oh, it's lovely.
Oh.
Hurry.
One more whisk.
Oh, that's the job.
Oh, good strong hair means there's a good strong brain underneath.
Harry, your breakfast's nearly ready.
I'm just doing my oil of violence.
I won't be a tick.
Oh, God.
Oh, this is, oh, this is, oh.
