Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Friendly Care.
If you're new here, my name's Ashley and I post every single Monday.
We just, you know, hang out, we sip our coffee, we chit chat, and we just have little girl time.
It's a fun time. Last episode, I asked if you'd be interested in me starting to group chat up again so we can all talk and get to know each other better.
And it seems like a lot of you want that, so I'm down.
I just need to figure out what app and like the logistics of it.
But let me know what you'd want, like what you'd want me to include.
Because when I did it last time, I had a page for affirmations, coffee of the day, outfits of the day, what we're reading.
So just let me know what you're into and what you'd want in that group chat.
And if you're not already, I'd love if you followed me on Instagram and TikTok.
I post there way more than I post here, probably more than I should.
So if you want to stay up to date with me, that's where to do it.
But anyways, today I want to talk about this idea of you've changed. people love to throw this around when they see someone growing and growing in a different direction than them they see someone who they either have a friendship with a relationship with or they used to have a connection with or you know even a parasocial relationship with them online like they don't actually know the person but they watch this person so they think they know them And they see this person changing and changing their life in a way that they don't like and they don't resonate with.
I have definitely dealt with people like this in my life who would say, you've changed.
And at the time, it hurt to hear these people say that because these people were using it as an insult.
They weren't saying like, oh, congrats, you changed.
I'm so proud of you. They were saying, you changed and I don't like it.
So today I want to talk more about that.
I want to talk about how people use you've changed as an insult and why you shouldn't let that bother you and why you shouldn't shrink yourself to make those people who are upset with you feel more comfortable.
So with that being said, let's get into it.
When people say that you've changed or someone's changed, they're not meaning that in a good way.
That is meant to be an insult. That's meant to make you hurt.
That's meant to make you think. That's meant to make you question who you are and what you're doing and your intentions and if you are a good person.
And I know that because if they were commenting on someone's growth in a positive way, they would say, I love how much you've grown and how much you've evolved, not you changed.
It's usually met with disappointment or resentment or anger.
It's not meant to make you feel good and it doesn't feel good.
It does hurt to hear people say that you've changed even if you disagree with what they're saying.
It makes you feel like you're becoming a bad person or the work that you've done isn't good enough or somehow all the work that you've done has made you worse.
It feels like rejection, especially when it's coming from someone that you respect or that you think highly of.
You don't want to hear that from a friend or a family member or someone that you love and care about.
You don't want to feel like they don't like you anymore, they don't accept you anymore, or they don't want to be around you anymore.
It's also hard to hear that from people... online I know this is very niche but if you do anything in the public eye like social media to have people who have watched you for months or for years tell you that you've changed and they don't like what you're doing sucks because you don't want to upset the people that support you but you also don't want to be only one thing for the rest of your life it's like these people are telling you that they don't like you anymore and they don't like what you're doing anymore but you're like wait I like what I'm doing.
Like, I like who I am right now. And that's why when people say that you've changed, it is the highest compliment, even if they're intending to insult you.
It is such a good thing that you are no longer a past version of you that you don't resonate with anymore.
I would be so worried if I was the same person I was 10 years ago, five years ago, even a year ago.
I want to constantly be evolving and changing and growing closer to the version of me that I'm meant to be.
I look back at photos of mine and videos of mine and journal entries of mine.
And although I remember those moments so vividly, like they feel like yesterday.
At times, I feel like I'm looking at a stranger, or maybe not a stranger, but I'm watching and listening to a person that I have nothing in common with.
This episode is sponsored by Green Chef.
During the summer, I really don't know what to make or what to cook.
Our go-to right now is grilling, but there really is only so much I can eat on the grill before I get sick of it.
I'd like to incorporate more vegetables and just other meals in general, and Green Chef has been a really big help with this.
I can never come up with an idea on what to make for dinner and I also hate grocery shopping, so Green Chef makes my life a million times easier.
Green Chef is the number one meal kit for clean eating.
It offers recipes that feature fresh organic seasonal produce and 100% responsibly sourced proteins to help you feel your best.
There's 80 plus dietitian approved weekly meal options, so it's really easy to find meals that fit your lifestyle and also your food palette. one thing that i really like is the recipes change every week so you never get bored and you can always adjust your plan to match your mood and schedule i really love green chef i love how simple it makes meals but also i really enjoy their smoothies and salads and i think you will too make this summer your healthiest yet with green chef head to greenchef.com 50tntc and use code 50tntc to get 50 off your first month then 20 off for two months with free shipping That's code 50TNTC at greenchef.com slash 50TNTC.
That's why it's so scary for me now when I see some of you listening to like my first podcast episode.
It's mortifying because although it is part of my journey, I know that I've changed so much.
I know that I have such different views.
So I'm like, oh my God, what if they listen to this, you know, episode from 2022 and they hate me and they don't even hate the current version of me and they don't give the current version of me a chance because they hate a past version of me so much.
And it's like, well, I'm not even that person.
Like, I hope... that they give me a chance now.
I'm just so, so different than who I was when I was 22.
I was what? How old was I? 24? 24 years old?
That is a whole different person. It has taken me so long to get to where I am and I'm proud of where I'm at, but I also know that in a year from now, I'll watch videos of me today and feel so cringed out because I don't relate to me anymore.
There's gonna be so much growth between now and a year and that's a good thing.
Just because you're changing doesn't mean it's for the worst.
We're meant to change and grow. We're not meant to stay the same.
We're meant to experiment and have new experiences and meet new people and try new things and learn new things and discover what we love and what we hate and what we want more of and what we want less of.
The more that we live, the more that we figure out what's right for us and what is very, very wrong for us.
And it takes a lot of time to get it right.
You're not going to figure out what's right for you the first go around.
Someone might say, well, you were okay with how I treated you for the last 10 years.
What's different now? Why are you acting up now?
Why are you switching up now? And it's like, well...
It took me some time to figure out what feels good and what doesn't.
Just because the last 10 years I was okay with something doesn't mean that I'm going to be okay with it tomorrow.
You might meet someone tomorrow who changes your viewpoints and everything that you thought you knew and you just have this moment of like, oh my god, this is how a friend is supposed to treat me.
This is how love is supposed to feel. This is what a healthy friendship or relationship looks like.
And I don't want to allow people to treat me poorly anymore.
I need to fix my boundaries. I need to change my expectations.
So yes, it's a change, but it doesn't mean it's a bad change.
Maybe it's a bad change for someone who's taking advantage of you, but it's an incredible thing for you.
And that's what you need to remember when people are coming at you saying, well, you've changed.
Okay, well, I'm supposed to. We're not meant to stay one thing forever for somebody else.
We're not meant to stay static for someone else's comfort.
This episode is sponsored by ZocDoc. No matter how old I get and no matter how mature I am, I will always have difficulty calling and making a doctor's appointment.
I don't know why it makes me so anxious, but it does.
But I actually found a very easy way to book my doctor's appointments that doesn't involve me calling and having to figure out my appointment over the phone, and that is ZocDoc.
ZocDoc is a free app and website where you can search and compare high quality in-network doctors and click to instantly book an appointment.
You can make these appointments straight from your phone.
You don't have to call them and be stuck on hold and figuring it out over the phone with the secretary.
You can actually go on and see their appointment openings and then choose a time that works best for you and instantly book an appointment.
Not only do I get nervous about calling the doctor, but when I get to the doctor, it's stressful because sometimes I feel dismissed and I feel like I'm not getting the care that I need.
But luckily with ZocDoc, you could filter for doctors that will help you with a specific medical need.
And it just makes me feel a lot better like I'm actually being taken care of.
I love ZocDoc and you will too. Stop putting off those doctor's appointments and go to ZocDoc.com slash trying not to find and instantly book a top rated doctor today.
That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash trying not.
ZocDoc.com slash trying not. The hard truth is the people that are mad at you for evolving as a person are mad because they're still stuck in their same ways and they haven't grown as a person.
So seeing your growth is a reminder of that for them.
You might have had something in common with them and they might have seen something in you that reminded them of themselves.
So for you to change and go on a different path makes them feel uncomfortable because they're like, well, why are they doing that?
Like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with what we've been doing?
Like, should I be changing? Should I be growing?
It's almost like a mirror showing them what they could be if they put themselves out there.
For example, let's say that you met your friend at work.
You're both working a minimum wage job. Maybe you're working in fast food and then you decide to go to school and get a degree and apply for a new job.
What you're doing is incredible, but they're talking down to you and treating you differently because they're upset that you're on a different path than them.
You two had something in common and now you don't.
They should be happy for you. They should want you to succeed, but it makes them uncomfortable and it makes them feel bad about themselves because it shines a light on the fact that they're not doing what they want.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to go to college and get a degree and I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with working a minimum wage job, But if that person feels that way internally and isn't working towards bettering their life the way that they want to and you are, they're going to look at you, you know, someone who is getting a better paying job and resent you for it because you're doing something that they can't or that they could do but they're deciding not to.
People tend to hold on to an older version of you if that version of you fits more with how they are now because it makes them feel better about themselves.
You could have been the worst possible version of you.
So self-destructive. The worst habits imaginable.
And there's still someone out there that's going to say they like that version better of you than who you are now.
And who you are now is a much healthier version.
A version of you that respects you and loves you.
And it's just better for literally everyone else. else around you but that person would still prefer the self-destructive toxic version of you because it looks more like them holding on to a past version of you that maybe isn't as great as you are now gives people an excuse to be shitty it gives people an excuse to continue their self-destructive toxic behavior because they're like well if this person's doing the exact same thing as i am it must not be that bad like if they're doing it it's okay if i do it if they think this way i I can think that way.
If they're talking this way about someone, I can talk this way about someone.
It's normalizing this very toxic behavior.
And when you decide to change your behavior and change your life for the better, even though you're doing the right thing and you're doing what's best for you, there's still people that are going to make you feel bad and make you feel like you're doing something wrong.
Because now you're no longer playing a role that they casted you in.
In their mind, you were just this one thing and you can only be this one thing for the rest of your life because that one thing fits them more.
It suits them more. It benefits them more.
But now that you're breaking out of that and becoming a better version of you, a version of you that you're proud of, it makes them uncomfortable.
Some people in your life, even if you love them so much and you care about them so much and want the best for them, will still only want a version of you that is struggling.
You might want people to succeed. You might want them to live their best life.
You might want them to do incredible things.
And those people will still want the lowest version of you because the lowest version of you makes them feel like the highest version of themselves.
Some people actually like when you're struggling because when you're struggling, when you're having a hard time, it makes them feel good about themselves.
It makes them feel powerful. It makes them feel important.
It makes them feel likable. It makes them feel strong.
It makes them feel good. when you're doing bad that's why people switch up on you when things start going good for you think of that friend that you text when things are going really good for you you text them saying hey i got a promotion i'm getting married i hit 100 000 followers on tiktok and they don't respond to your text or if they do respond they're nasty to you and they make you feel bad about your accomplishment they hate to see you doing good because to them when you're doing good They're doing bad.
It shines a light on the fact that they're doing nothing with their mediocre life.
But that's not your problem. It is not your responsibility to shrink yourself or to limit yourself to make other people feel good about themselves.
You are not just something for them to carry in their back pocket and use when they need a pick-me-up.
You're not something for them to kick around and put down to make them feel good.
It's the same thing for people that view you online.
If you're a content creator, again, I know it's niche, but if people are saying that you've changed and I miss the old you, I miss your old content, I know it hurts to hear that, but if those people don't like this new version of you and what you post, they can go find someone else that they do want to watch and that they do like.
I unfollow people all the time. I stopped watching people that I watched for years because it just didn't, their content didn't resonate with me anymore.
It is not your responsibility to fit into this very teeny tiny box of what someone else wants.
If they want that so bad, they can be that.
You don't have to. The people that you surround yourself with should want you to be the highest version of you.
They should want you to constantly be working on yourself and not be threatened by your growth.
And if they are... then that's not someone who should be involved with the new version of you.
Because you deserve to have people who either encourage you to grow or want to grow with you.
I want to finish this episode off with talking about signs that you're actually evolving, not just changing.
So that way when someone does come at you in an insulting way saying or like implying that you've changed, you can reflect on where you are and who you are. and not feel bad about it because like I was saying before, it can feel like rejection.
It can be very triggering because you have this person that you thought was your friend or that you thought really liked you accusing you of being something that you're not or coming at you and making you feel bad about a path that you decided to take.
Obviously, there are times where people can change for the worst.
They get involved with the wrong people.
They get involved with very destructive things like drugs.
There are so many things that can lead you in a downward spiral.
But just because someone's saying that you've changed and that you're not someone that you once were doesn't mean that you're on a downward spiral.
It doesn't mean that you're doing something bad.
I think it's important to check in with yourself and figure out how you feel.
Do you feel good? Have your thoughts and your mentality been positive lately?
Do you feel more aligned with your values and your goals?
Personally, I feel very icky when I'm doing things that aren't authentic to me when I'm following a trend or I'm just going with the flow to please other people.
Like if it doesn't align naturally with me, it's not gonna feel right with me you know it might make other people happy but I know in my gut that it isn't right because it's not me you won't really feel that way if you're doing things for yourself it might feel uncomfortable at times like posting online it's you know what you want to do but it's still uncomfortable because it's new but But you won't feel guilty about it.
You won't feel gross with yourself because you're being true to who you are.
So I would ask yourself, is what I'm doing right now performative?
Am I only living the way that I'm living for other people to please other people?
Am I... only changing myself to make other people like me or to fit in or am I living intentionally for myself am I doing things that I truly want to do or that my younger self would be proud of me doing or I'm doing for my future self things that would be beneficial for my future self When you're being intentional with your actions and you're being intentional with your plans, that is when you actually evolve.
I think changing and evolving are very different things.
Evolving is deliberate. You're deciding what you like and what you want to do and what you want to be and you're intentionally going in that direction.
You're growing in a specific direction. For me I noticed that when I'm being true to myself and I'm being the most authentic version of me more times than not I am doing things that I loved as a kid.
I'm indulging in the things that made me so happy and I had the most fun doing and that were just like very important to me.
When I was little I loved creating videos.
I loved painting and drawing. I loved music.
I loved playing outside and exploring and those are things now that I can still do for hours and they still bring me the same amount of joy but now as an adult obviously I can explore those things more and do more with it so When I'm tapping into those parts of myself and I'm expressing those parts now, if someone doesn't like that or they want to question my intentions or come at me saying that I've changed and I don't know why you're acting this way and why you're doing this, it's like I know for a fact that even if I have changed...
It's for the better and it's not even changing, it's evolving because I'm back to my roots but my roots are growing.
I'm still doing the things that I love just in a more evolved way.
I just think it's so funny when you're finally taking the time to do the things that you want to do and you're taking the time to take care of yourself and be a better version of you and then someone comes around saying well you've changed like you never want to hang out anymore you never want to talk about this thing anymore you never are able to take a joke anymore like you're not fun anymore and it's like well duh duh obviously I don't think your jokes are funny anymore because I've realized they're not actually jokes they're just mean backhanded compliments and And no, I don't want to hang out with you anymore because I've realized I don't want to spend my time doing things that I don't want to do.
And no, I don't want to keep talking about that thing that's so negative because I don't want to spend my time talking about things that I don't like.
They say it as if it's an insult and they try to upset you.
But in reality, you've grown and you've learned to respect yourself and like yourself more.
So... It seems like a win to me. They get mad at you for changing and they try to make it seem like you not being interested in the same things anymore or wanting to do the same things anymore is a bad thing.
But you know that you've changed for the better and you know that your life is better without those things or without those people.
And I guess that's the most important thing.
Like not everyone's going to get it or get you.
Not everyone's going to agree with what you do with your life or who you choose to be.
What actually matters is what you're happy doing and that you're being true to yourself.
Even if that's doing that on your own without those people that you used to surround yourself with or without the people that used to support you.
Because if those people can't get behind you deciding to change things up and try new things and work to be a better person... then they're probably not your people because your people are going to stick with you throughout so many different phases of your life and so many different versions of you.
So if they're not okay with you wanting to be a better version of you, then that's fine.
Like that's just, they're just not your people.
My favorite thing to say when someone says you've changed is, thanks, I sure hope I've changed.
But it's very clear that you haven't. Oh, you've changed.
Okay, like that's the point. That's the point.
We're supposed to change. We're supposed to grow. don't apologize for that.
Don't apologize for something that you should be doing and it's your right to do.
Don't shrink yourself to make other people feel more comfortable.
Don't shrink yourself to fit into old spaces that you've clearly outgrown and that you don't belong in anymore.
It's just going to make you feel uncomfortable trying to fit into a box that you clearly broke out of very, very long ago.
You deserve to become everything that you're meant to be and you deserve to explore whatever it is that is out there that could be for you.
And if other people don't want to come along for the ride and see it through with you, then that's on them and that is not... your responsibility oh god it feels so good to say that out loud because it feels like common sense like duh of course of course you're supposed to change so I hope you like this episode it was very therapeutic for me and I hope it was good for you to listen to I hope it helps you if you're struggling with that or if you needed validation from a past situation where someone made you feel bad for changing and for growing you're supposed to change you're supposed to grow and if they're not on board then they're not on board that's just not your girl and that's fine because your people will come but that is everything for today's episode I hope that you loved it if you did I would really appreciate if you rated it on Spotify Apple wherever you're listening I would really appreciate it if you shared it shared it with your girls your besties whoever you think needs to hear this and would enjoy trying to take care and if you're not already make sure to follow me on my socials they're all linked in the show notes and I will try to get the group chat up and running as soon as I can Working on it.
Okay. I love you. I hope you loved today's episode.
And I will see you next Monday for next Monday's episode.
Okay. Love you. Bye.
