Hi, I'm Alastair Campbell from The Rest Is Politics.
Nish Kumar here from Pod Save the UK.
And Cristiana Figueres from Outrage and Optimism.
Rising inequality conflict, climate disaster is very hard to find reasons to be hopeful about the future.
That's why we're teaming up this September during the 80th General Assembly of the United Nations.
Along with Political Currency, Pod Save the World, The Week Junior and more.
We'll discuss the stories that give us hope and answer the question, how does hope turn into action?
Look out for the Be Hope Takeover this September.
Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Try Not To Care.
If you're new here, my name's Ashley.
I upload every single Monday.
If you like today's episode and you want to come back next week, I'm currently still recording from bed.
Sometimes I record from my couch because I'm slowly, slowly but surely, getting my podcast studio together and I don't want to film in there until it's ready.
We just painted the walls and now we're working on the bookshelf.
That will hopefully be the new backdrop for the podcast.
I moved into my new house back in June and we've been again, slowly but surely, working on different rooms, working outside.
It's definitely been a project.
But once it's all done, it's going to be so cozy, so homey, and I can't wait.
But if you want to keep up with that, I post about it on my socials, my Instagram, my TikTok.
Those will be linked in the show notes if you want to follow along.
But today's episode is going to be about moving on from someone and detaching from them so much that they no longer know anything about you.
There's been times in my life where I went through a hardship with someone, whether that be a friendship breakup or a romantic breakup.
And the aftermath of that connection ending was messy.
It wasn't a mutual breakup.
It wasn't a mutual, let's just not be friends.
Let's just take some space.
It was an abrupt ending where we not only couldn't be friends or be in a relationship, we couldn't even be cordial.
And more times than not, actually I would say pretty much every time I took it very, very hard, because when I invest into someone, I take it seriously.
I really care for them.
I really love them.
It's a hard hit and it takes me a long time to get over.
When someone hurts you so badly or when someone betrays you, it's really easy to lose yourself, trying to make sense of how that person could do that to you.
It's really easy to feel like you've wasted your time, like none of what you thought you had with that person was real.
And that can be a really complex thing to cope with and get over.
So today I want to talk about how it feels to be duped by someone and to have them hold so much power over you, but also how good it feels to finally let go of them and to grow so much as a person that that person that you once knew doesn't even know who you are now.
When someone hurts you so deeply, when they do something so awful to you, such as cheating on you or sneaking behind your back or lying to you or talking badly about you or even, you know, ghosting or abandoning you.
It can make you feel so weak and so powerless.
When someone who you put so much time into, so much trust into you, shared intimate conversations and moments with someone who you were so careful with to not hurt, just completely shatters what you thought you had with them, that fucks you up.
It's not easy to get over that.
You might feel like they robbed you of your time, or they robbed you of your confidence, or they robbed you of your self-worth, or you might even just feel used.
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I had dated this guy my freshman year of high school.
He was a senior.
I was a freshman.
And at the time, I thought that was really cool.
I thought if he, you know, someone his age wants to be with me, I must be really special.
I was really into him and I really wanted to be with him.
I wanted to be with him so badly.
He was my first real boyfriend.
The first guy I went on real dates with and the first guy I introduced my family and the first guy I chose to be intimate with.
But unfortunately, I was not those things to him and he didn't see me that way.
Of course, he said he did, but his actions never aligned with that relationship.
One of the most unforgivable things this guy had done to me was he had told me that if I didn't sleep with him, he was going to sleep with my ex-friend.
So out of fear of losing him and him doing that with her, I did it.
I slept with him and I lost my virginity to him.
And he still slept with her.
And I know that's morbid and it's hard to hear that.
And it's also hard to share that with people.
But I want to because I know there's other people out there who might have not experienced that.
I hope not.
But they might have experienced something similar.
And I want you to know you're not alone.
And that these things that happen to you don't just happen to you.
But I had a world of forgiveness for this guy.
I forgave him way too many times to the point where I felt embarrassed sharing that with people.
If I told them, they would riot and push me to leave him.
Although I was happy that I was finally out of that relationship, I also had this overwhelming feeling of I wasted such crucial parts of my life.
I felt like I wasted my time on him.
And I wasted my time spending nights crying at home, wondering what my boyfriend was doing or who he was with.
And I wasted my time staying home and not going out because he didn't want me to go to that party.
I also felt like I was robbed of my youth, especially robbed of such an important thing like losing it to him.
I felt tricked and I felt used and it's because I was.
I felt dumb for it.
I felt like it was my fault and I've had people tell me it was my fault during him and after him telling me that I have no one else to blame but myself, because I allowed him to treat me the way he did.
Betrayal and heartbreak will have you questioning yourself and questioning your judgment.
It'll make you look back and wonder, how could I have been so dumb and so naive?
It'll make you almost want to take revenge, accountability for what happened, just so you have some type of closure.
But at the end of the day, it's not your fault.
I do believe that we do teach people how to treat us.
I think enforcing boundaries is super important, But it's also not as simple as that and it's not as black and white as people try to make it out to be.
There's things that come into play like a power imbalance, abuse even just being attached to the person.
And anyone who blames you for not doing what they would have done haven't been in your position, because if they have, they wouldn't be judging you.
A couple years after me and that guy had broken up.
There was a night where I was sitting outside this bar with my friend Haley and my ex happened to be there and we hadn't spoken since we broke up.
We went full no contact, because that's what I needed to let go of him and let go of the relationship.
So my friend Hale and I are sitting outside this bar having a drink and my ex comes up to me trying to talk to me, trying to apologize.
And obviously he's drinking, so it's not the most coherent words coming out of his mouth, but enough for me to know what he's trying to say.
And in that moment, I felt nothing for him.
If this had happened, you know, if I had seen him, if he had come up to me maybe a year before, two years before, I would have been a mess seeing him and speaking to him.
I probably would have wanted to try to rekindle things and hear him out and fix things.
But in that moment where he had come up to me trying to apologize, there was no pull towards him at all.
Quite the opposite.
I wanted to be far away from him because I realized in that moment that when I'm away from him I'm better.
It took me being away from him to become a better version of me.
When he was trying to talk to me, I felt so disconnected from him because he was apologizing for what he had done to me, but I was no longer the person he was apologizing to.
In the time that I spent away from him, I became an entirely different person that he didn't know.
And you know what?
It felt good to know that.
To know that this person who held so much power over me for three years had nothing over me now.
That realization and that feeling... was better than any revenge I could have taken on him.
With all of the things that he had put me through, I could have easily plotted on him and tried to hurt him as badly as he hurt me.
But the best revenge that you can get on someone is taking away their access to you, removing yourself from the equation and never looking back.
Not allowing that person any wiggle room to be a part of your life and just living your life and growing as a person without them.
They'll still think of you as the person that they once knew.
They'll be stuck on who you were when you were involved with them, but they will never get a chance to know the person that you are now without them.
Often, when you're in a toxic relationship or a toxic friendship, They limit the possibilities of who you can be.
They try to tell you who you can and can't talk to, what you are and aren't allowed to do, and they close a lot of doors that were opened for you to explore.
But when you let go of that person and you start living for yourself rather than them, that's when things get good.
That's when your life gets better.
And I think a lot of those people know that.
They know that it would be better without them.
And that's why they try to hold you back.
They knew that you'd be better off without them.
And that's why they worked so hard to take away things that they knew would make you happy and would make you grow.
When you let go of the dead weight, life does get better.
Imagine yourself letting go of that person, or those people who made you feel small, who betrayed your trust, who no longer made you feel safe.
And Instead of putting all of your energy and all of your love into them, as you have for however long, you start pouring that into yourself.
You start living for yourself and doing things that you're called to do.
All of the things that you pushed aside to satisfy those people.
The things that they told you were too far out of reach or you weren't capable of accomplishing.
All the things that you said you wanted to do, but you were too preoccupied by your relationship you had with them.
Imagine you build this wonderful, peaceful life and you completely transform yourself into the person that you want to be.
And you look back at who you were when you were still involved with them.
And you no longer recognize yourself, but in a good way.
You go from such a dark place where you might have felt undervalued unseen replaceable, reliant on someone else and their love, to where you are now.
And where you are now, you like who you are.
You respect yourself.
You love yourself.
You enjoy what you do.
And you know that your value isn't dependent on someone else's view of you.
How would that feel?
How would it feel to know that your happiness and your future isn't dependent on that person who you thought was your world?
That you can live this insanely good life without that person or without those people?
I'll tell you, it feels pretty damn good.
The feeling of truly moving on is so much better than trying to prove to that person that you don't need them or they're going to regret what they did to you.
They're going to regret losing you or even stooping down to their level and trying to get payback.
Their payback is losing you.
Their payback is the consequences of their own actions.
They hurt you so badly, so they lose you, so they don't get access to you anymore.
They now don't have the privilege of knowing you or knowing what's going on in your life now.
I'm Alastair Campbell from The Rest Is Politics.
Nish Kumar here from Pod Save the UK.
And Cristiana Figueres from Outrage and Optimism.
Rising inequality conflict, climate disaster is very hard to find reasons to be hopeful about the future.
That's why we're teaming up this September during the 80th General Assembly of the United Nations.
Along with Political Currency, Pod Save the World, The Week Junior and more.
We'll discuss the stories that give us hope and answer the question, how does hope turn into action?
Look out for the Be Hope Takeover this September.
Bugs crashing your pack's party?
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That's where Wonderside comes in.
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It kills and repels fleas ticks, mosquitoes and ants without questionable ingredients or overpowering smells.
Safety use around kids and pets when used as directed.
Lap proven to work fast and proudly made in the USA.
We offer sprays for pets, people, homes, and yards.
Plus, spot-on treatments, colors, and even shampoos.
Whatever your pack needs, we've got it covered.
Founded by a pet parent looking for a better way to protect her dog Luna, Wonderside's now protected over 21 million lives and counting.
You might have even seen us on Shark Tank.
Go to wonderside.com and use code WONDER20 for 20% off your first order.
That's WONDER20 at wonderside.com.
Wonderside.
Protect your pack with plant-powered Wonderside today.
There is so much peace in being able to let go of that friendship or that relationship where someone hurt you, and no longer needing to check up on them or no longer wondering what they're doing or what they're thinking or if they regret what they did to you.
There is so much peace.
In not needing closure and being the one to decide that this chapter is over and they're no longer a part of your story anymore.
There is so much power in reclaiming your life and reclaiming your identity.
Because what happens a lot of the time when someone breaks our heart or betrays our trust is we identify with that and we believe that we were deserving of what they did or we were lacking something, or we are the person they're trying to frame us as and we lose a sense of self.
Being able to let go of that person and let go of their narrative and not allow someone to tell you who you are is so powerful.
It's powerful to move on and move forward as the person you believe you are or you believe you want to be.
There's also a lot of satisfaction in knowing that, regardless of what this person says about you, regardless of the story they tell their friends, regardless of the narrative they try to push online about you, they don't know you anymore.
They can go on and on and try to tell people who you are, but at the end of the day, they have no idea who you are.
Healing makes you unrecognizable to people still stuck in the past.
They have no idea what's going on in your current life.
All they have to talk about is who you used to be, the person they used to know.
And you don't even identify with that person anymore, so it doesn't matter.
They want to say, oh, you're so mean, you're so selfish, you're so weak.
And even if any of that were true, it's past tense because they don't know you.
They don't know all the work that you've done, how much you've poured into yourself your career, your health, your friends and family.
They don't know how you spend your day, or who you spend your time with, or what you spend your time doing.
They don't know the new you and they never will.
And how amazing is that?
Someone who had so much power over you has nothing to work with but a past version of you.
They might have hurt you so deeply in the past, but they can't hurt you or even touch who you are now.
I hope if you've ever shared a similar experience as me, where someone who you loved so much and you poured so much time into ended up hurting you, you take this episode as a reminder That the best revenge is moving forward and becoming someone that they don't even recognize.
Someone they'll never have the privilege of knowing.
I hope that the pain that this person or people have caused you empowers you to let go and to grow as an individual.
The peace and the power of being able to move on from them and not look back is honestly, the best closure you could ever give yourself.
If you liked today's episode, make sure to let me know in the comments on Spotify or in the group chat.
The group chat's linked in the show notes.
And I would really like it.
I would really love it actually, if you're ready to try not to care on Spotify Apple, wherever you listen.
It really helps me out and I would really appreciate it.
And I hope to have you back here next week so we can chat it up.
But that's all for today.
I hope you liked today's episode.
And I hope you have the best week or weekend or I don't know what day it is when you're listening to this.
I just hope you have a good day.
Okay?
I love you.
And I will talk to you next Monday.
Goodbye.
I'm Alastair Campbell from The Rest Is Politics.
Nish Kumar here from Pod Save the UK.
And Cristiana Figueres from Outrage and Optimism.
Rising inequality conflict, climate disaster is very hard to find reasons to be hopeful about the future.
That's why we're teaming up this September during the 80th General Assembly of the United Nations.
Along with Political Currency, Pod Save the World, The Week Junior and more.
We'll discuss the stories that give us hope and answer the question, how does hope turn into action?
Look out for the Be Hope Takeover this September.
Bugs crashing your pack's party?
Whether they've got paws or sneakers, your pack deserves a home that's protected from pests.
That's where Wondersight comes in.
Plant-powered protection made with steam-distilled natural essential oils that actually work.
It kills and repels fleas ticks, mosquitoes and ants without questionable ingredients or overpowering smells.
Safe to use around kids and pets when used as directed.
Lap proven to work fast and proudly made in the USA.
We offer sprays for pets, people, homes, and yards.
Plus spot-on treatments, collars, and even shampoos.
Whatever your pack needs, We've got it covered.
Founded by a pet parent looking for a better way to protect her dog Luna, Wonderside's now protected over 21 million lives and counting.
You might have even seen us on Shark Tank.
Go to wonderside.com and use code WONDER20 for 20% off your first order.
That's WONDER20 at wonderside.com.
Wonderside.
Protect your pack with plant-powered Wonderside today.
I'm Alastair Campbell from The Rest Is Politics.
Nish Kumar here from Pod Save the UK.
And Cristiana Figueres from Outrage and Optimism.
Rising inequality conflict, climate disaster is very hard to find reasons to be hopeful about the future.
That's why we're teaming up this September during the 80th General Assembly of the United Nations.
Along with Political Currency, Pod Save the World, The Week Junior and more.
We'll discuss the stories that give us hope and answer the question, how does hope turn into action?
Look out for the Be Hope Takeover this September.
