And I'm going to say right upfront, this is not really a conversation about parenting or tips and tricks aboutparenting.

This conversation will strike deep to the core of what it means to bealive.

And the mistakes that you and I are making in every relationship that wehave, and moreimportantly, what we can do aboutit.

Today,Dr. Shafali and I have a profound invitation for you to really consider your own experience and your parent-childrelationship, how it impactedyou, and the opportunity that you have today to reconnect with your authenticself.

I am so excited that you're here withme, so let's get intoit.

First ofall, it's just such an honor to be able to spend some time with youtoday.

And I want to acknowledge you for choosing to listen to something that could help you create a betterlife.

That is just so awesome that you're taking time foryourself.

And I love spending time withyou.

And if you're brand new to theshow,welcome.

Welcome to the Mel Robbins podcastfamily.

I'm MelRobbins. I'm going to mission to inspire and empower you with the tools and the expert resources that you need to create a betterlife.

And I'm thrilled to welcomeDr.

Shafali to the Mel Robbinspodcast.

Let me tell you a little bit abouther.

Dr. Shafali received her doctorate in clinical psychology from ColumbiaUniversity.

She is an expert in family dynamics and is known as the pioneer of the conscious parentingmovement.

Now, she specializes in the integration of Western psychology and Easternphilosophy.

She's a New York Times bestselling author of sevenbooks.

Her newest book is the ParentingMap.

And I also want to congratulateDr.

Shafali because she's finally launching her ownpodcast, Parenting and You withDr.

Shafali.Now, I've been wanting to have her on the Mel Robbins podcast since I launched this almost two years ago because she uses the parent child relationship as a lens to examine your relationship with yourself and you becoming conscious of your owndestiny.

And before we jump intoit, I want to askyou, share this with yourparents.

Share this conversation with your children and with your partner because I know thatDr.

Shafali is going to inspire you to think aboutyourself, your life and your relationships in a whole newway.

So please help me welcomeDr.

Shafali to the Mel Robbinspodcast.

I'm so excited to behere.

I can't even tellyou.Well, I'm both excited for the personlistening, but as a parent of three adultchildren, I cannot wait to learn fromyou.

Dr.Shafali, could you speak directly to the person who's listening to us today and explain what they might experience in their life if they take to heart everything you're about toshare?

Well, I think the main thing is that they will begin to understand that they need to control theirlife.

They need to be the master puppeteer of theirlife, their relationships and their children comes from their own inneranxiety, which is connected to their ownunworthiness.

When they begin to discover that it's their own inner lack that's driving all this control towards theirchildren, towards theirpartners, towards micromanaging everything aroundthem, then they have an opportunity to look at that and heal that wound andawaken.

You are teaching the world this revolutionary concept called consciousparenting.

Can you explain what thatis?

So let me tell you about consciousparenting.

What I teach is kind of against thegrain,right?

It's revolutionary in that it's not focused oncurating,producing, micromanaging this perfect product called achild, but instead focuses on the awakening of the parent'sconsciousness, because I truly believe the future of the planet lies in the evolution of theparent.

Okay,well,okay, you'realready, because that is a very big departure from what most parenting experts are focusedon, which are strategies for either connecting with or controlling your child's behavior and your focus is on using the experience of parenting to awaken something withinyou,right?

Awakened theparents, because no matter what you say to yourchild, you may have the bestscript, but if you are operating from a place of disconnect withinyourself, then no matter what you tell yourchild, it will land in a way that is disconnected and disempowering for thechild.

So what I help parents understand is that their internal disconnection from their ownself-governance, their ownself-authority, their ownin-unknowing, which they divorced from way back in childhood is still operating in their parentingtoday.

And the relationship with their children is not here so much to fix thechild, but to use the relationship as a mirror to their own unhealedself.

Whoa, your approach is to get parents to understand that your job is not to change or fix thechild, but to use the experience to change or fix and heal something aboutyourself.

Right, the child is notbroken, so there's nothing tofix.

So if you come with that attitudeof, I need to fix and micromanage and produce this star achiever that I can post on Facebook about and share with all my friends and feel good and tell my mom anddad,look, I'm not aloser,see?

That whole approach is never going to work well because you're operating from a state of lack and scarcity and unworthiness looking for your child to be yourtrophy.

So the first thing I help parents understand is that this anxiety that they have translates to control and children who feel subconsciously even that they are being controlled will begin to operate from their own brokenness because they will think tothemselves, why am I being controlled all thetime?

Why am I being micromanaged all thetime?

It must be because I'mbroken.

So if we look back to our ownchildhood, to our ownparenting, we will remember moments where we feltdisconnected, disempowered by ourparents, but we would deny that right and disconnected from our knowing because they were operating from anxiety and a need tocontrol.

So the one thing I offer parents through thisapproach, if they're open toit, is an invitation to release control because our children are notcontrollable, life is not controllable and that is the greatest nugget of wisdom the jewel I offer through conscious parenting is imagine raising your children without anxiety andcontrol.

Is thatpossible? Ofcourse, but it requires a lot of inner work on the part of the parent and it's constant and it's daily and it's to becultivated, it's apractice.

So conscious parenting is the art of living in themoment, understanding that life is so precarious and fragile that any instinct to control will actually create the opposite effect of moreuncontrollability.

Youknow, I wrote a book called Out of Control because we're operating out ofcontrol, but everything becomes out of control and the whole world is operating out of this desire tocontrol.

If you look all aroundyou, monuments and cathedrals to our need to besignificant, to control our anxiety that we're not good enough and if the parent operates out of that unknowingly that I am not good enough and therefore I need to raise a child who's asuperstar, actually you will raise a child who feels unworthy because paradoxically it is when you raise the child who feels good enough as they are without the tentacles of yourcontrol.

Now that child will be raised on a bastion ofempowerment.

One thing I want to just establish at the very beginning because we are going to focus so much on both the act ofparenting, but also on beingparented.

So your own experience of growingup, your own experience of how your parents shapedyou.

Could you speak to the person listening who is not aparent?

Yes. Because we have so many just mothers and daughters and fathers and sons and friends that share episodes to one another that I could see this conversation today being a big one where maybe you send this to your mom or dad to get them to think differently about your relationship or your mom or dad is sending it down to a daughter orson.

And so if you do not have childrenthough, how would you advise somebody to listen to what you're about to teach us today so that it impacts your life whether you are parenting a child ornot?

Yeah, I always say my work is really for any human raising a child or who has beenone,right?

A parent or someone who's beenparented.

So my work is all about deconstructing and demystifying the institutions of culture that have pervaded minds and our belief systems in such perniciousways.

And the reason why I focus on parents is because I see that that's how the transmission of those institutional belief systems gets passeddown.

So which better source to cut it at is theparent.

So I help the parent disrupt their harmful conditioning so that the next generations can befree.

So what institutions am I talkingabout?

This whole idea that we need to raise a successfulchild.

That is amyth. It comes from the institution of achievement and wealth and competition and climbing theladder.

And from a youngage, we're training our children to go off tocollege.

Children don't even have a childhood anymore because of theparents' anxiety and desire to control the future which in theparents' mind because they're indoctrinated is I need to raise a kid who is a superstar which meanswealthy,elite, with a goodcareer.

Those aspirations could be worthy but when that is the solefocus, you miss theprocess.

You miss the essence of who your child is and you actually fill your child with anxiety about thefuture.

Let's take another institution that's very common inparenting.

I want my child to behappy,right?

The institution ofhappiness.

It's aninstitution. Infact, our entire culture is chasinghappiness.

Well, that is adisease.

It's a toxic way tolive, toparent, to be parented because when our focus is on this ubiquitous ideal calledhappiness, we miss the process that occurs in this present moment and children more than any human has the capacity to live in the presentmoment.

But because we're only focused on happiness for the future and raising that superstartomorrow, we're missing the awakening that can happen in the experience of the year and thenow.

I am listening to you and I'm thinking both as aparent.

Yes. And as somebody who has been conditioned to chase success and chase happiness and I can admit to youeasily, I can see it right now that I absolutely was about the chasing success early in theparenting.

But I've just passed it off tohappiness.

And I thought I was doing itright.

I'mlike,oh, I don't care if they'resuccessful.

I don't care about thegrades.

I don't care what college I go to ornot.

I just want my kids to behappy.

But I didn't think that that was causinganxiety.

How does that causeanxiety?

Oh mygoodness. So first andforemost, you're absolutelyright.

Parents in the newage, the positive psychological parents who are so enlightened have just completely euphemistically transferred the focus from achievement and money and wealth because that's too passe and too primitive on to this more enlightened concept calledhappiness.

But it's equally a load ofBS.

I love when parents come tome, theysay, talk to eachother.

Okay,okay,okay. I've learned everything you'vesaid.

I don't care if my child is acarpenter, a ballet danceror, youknow, a monk inTibet.

I have given up the Ivy League dream and they think they have done a bigjob, which they have to adegree.

All Iwant,Dr.Shafar, youknow, all I'm asking for is that they just behappy.

Okay, so let'sdeconstruct.

I just want my child to behappy.

What's the firstlead?I.

I. What's the thirdword?

Want.Yeah,okay. I wantmy.

Every word there isproblematic.

So it starts withI, which is full ofego,want.

Meaning I want my the possessive because this being belongs tome.

Yes.Child. So I want for another being to be in a state that works forme.

And I call that statehappiness.

And it should look like beinggrateful, alwayssmiling, feelingreally, youknow, empowered and successful andworthy.

So what happens then when the child doesn't have those states of being that I have deemedhappy?

Then whathappens? I'll tell you whathappens.

Yeah, I freakout.Exactly.

And I start trying to fixeverything.

Exactly. And I start worrying aboutit.

Infact, I was on the phone with my husband thismorning.

I'm realizing I've fallen right into yourtrap.

Yes. I am now the parent that needs thecoaching.

Yes.Dr.Shafar,I, and so I was on the phone with myhusband, Chris this morning because I'm really worried about one of our kids because I saw this post that went up and I'mlike, that's notthem.

That looks kind ofcringey.

What are theydoing?Yes.

They don't lookhappy. We got to find atherapist.

Something iswrong. And so I swooped right in like a freaking controlfreak.

Right. But since I have been focused onemotion,yes, I think it isnoble.

Exactly. What should Ido?

Make them sit andsuffer?

Right.Right.See, I'mlike, I'm asking anurge.

Iknow. And that's what parents will do when I just suggest to theparent, can we just pause and just look at our controlissues?

Youknow, what they say in protest exactly what you justsaid?

Oh, so then I should just make my cansuffer.

Like I'm going to just allow them to do drug sex and rock androll.

Yes. That what you're saying is that what you'resaying?

You cannot eventolerate.

Correct. Me justsaying,okay, can we just pause for a moment and re-evaluate where weare?

Your anxiety takesyou.

Oh,okay,fine. Then I'll just let them smoke part with me and become analcoholic.

Imean, one and a what I'm also getting that my reaction is the same reaction that I experienced from my parents when I did something that triggered them100% because we havechildren,okay, if we're reallyhonest, so that they can make us feel good aboutourselves.

We have children to fill our inner void of unworthiness if we're reallyhonest.

We don't have children so that they can discover who it is theyare.

That just sounds too chaotic and scary and too much in theunknown.

We have children so that we can take the trophy home to our parents and go see I'm worthy and let them be the mirror of our own deepsense, deep desire craving forsignificance.

Unless we are willing and brave enough to look under the hood and own with humility andcompassion.

Yes, that's why I had a child so I can feel good aboutmyself.

Then we are now progressing but to get parents to even to admitthat.

Oh mygoodness, I sweat bullets and cry blood and tears because the parental ego is so firmly in place by societyreally.

It's not the parentsfault.

So now let me put on the hat of being adaughter.

Yes. And so as you'relistening, whether you have kids in yourlife, you are somebody's kid always alwaysalways.

It doesn't matter how old you are until your parentsdie, you still have somebody in your life where you are thechild.

And one of the things that is really struck me is how what I feel has been passed down as something toxic from my grandparents to parents to me to my kids is this sense of just loyalty and duty that you are supposed to do absolutely everything that your parents would like for you to do whether it's coming home on certain weekends or it is wearing your hair a certain way or it is because we owethem.

We owethem. That is the subtle subscript of all parenting that because the parent is so deluded to believe that they're actually having the child out ofselflessness, they have convinced the child through the you know the songs over the crib and the breastfeeding that I am doing all this like a martyr for you mychild.

So we've convinced the child therefore you owe me undyingloyalty,duty, obligation andallegiance.

And you will pay with yoursoul.

I think this is why we offer soguilty.

Oh yes exactly because the parent doesn't want to own that they are having the child forthem.

The moment you can own to achild.

Listen I'm alunatic. I'munhealed.

I really just had you to feel good aboutmyself.

I'm sosorry. The child will say to you thankyou.

I knew that alreadyright.

We know when our parents are usingus, our children know when they're beingobjectified.

You know we women talk about being objectified by culture but the first objectification starts between parent andchild.

What do you think the most toxic parenting behavioris?

It's exactly this where you use your child to fulfill your unmetfantasies, expectations and desires and do not own it and pretend as if you're so selfless that you're doing it all for these children who are so ungrateful and if only they could understand the sacrifices we've been through and that is the subtle imprint on our children's psyche and that's how we keep them festered to our ownwounds.

We keep them festering in this way andconnected.

Well you know what's interesting is when my mom was in college she and my dad met and she ended up getting pregnant with me and when she had me she dropped out ofcollege.

Yeah. And she has said to me and she has said to my two daughters in particular I gave upeverything.

Yes.Yes. For yourmother.

So imagine thatsubscript.

Now she said it blatantly but we are saying this over the dinner table constantly like how could you do that aren't you happy I got you to thebeach.

Look I've enrolled you in dance classes what do you mean you want to dropout.

It happens in the most subtle and also not so subtle ways all the way from who you're going tomarry.

How can you leave the traditions of our family system the cast the race in all sorts of ways we have these invisible puppeteering strings tethered to our children and we keep them to us because we have not empowered ourselves and we haven't awakened ourselves into our own authenticity you see because we're not authentic we're not living in our own power and knowing we need our children to complete us we need them to fulfill all that is unfulfilled within and if you don't have kids yet you feel this tether to your own parents and which is why there's that conflict between you being who you want to be yes but constantly defaulting and thinking to what are they going to think about it and you know I'll be the first to admit that this behavior of feeling like well you owe me yes I did everything I could I paid for that so I expect you to behave a certain way yes this is the single biggest behavior and way of thinking that I'm trying to break yes it comes up all the time when I get triggered yes and when I then what a control yes what somebody's doing yes that if I don't get the control yes I immediately go to well you should be doing it right like look at everything I've over yes yes in serious yes and the reason why I focus so much on parental control and the unmasking of it versus giving strategies on how to get your kids to eat carrots and giving strategies for what to say at bedtime I'm like screw the strategies yeah because if you're coming from a split off disconnected disempowered place of lack it doesn't matter because that is what your child is going to absorb screw the carrots get in alignment with your own true self first because children will pick up the bullshit and they will absorb your anxiety and the reason why we are robots in adult life searching for love in all the wrong places is because we were raised by parents who weren't authentically in their own body in their being in their presence we were raised disconnected so our first primary relationship was disconnected and we're walking around like zombies looking for connection through the corporate corner office through the boat arc through the jewelry through the maserades because we're searching for that thing on the outside because we never cultivated it on the inside parents get really upset with me because they're like oh you didn't give me the three keys to fix my child's you know social media addiction I say because they are not the problem only of course they become eventual problems but it starts in the parents psyche the child is born in the parent psyche how is the parent perceiving the child and the parent will perceive the child based on how the parent perceives themselves so our relationship with our children is just like every intimate relationship a mirror of how we relate to ourselves which is why your entire philosophy about conscious parenting and having an awakening yourself is important for all of us so why don't we start with then the positive definition of what is a parents job because I can see that I've been trying to control I can see the legacy of you owe me yeah I gave you life I paid for your life yeah you know what's it's so yeah I can see all that yeah I know I'm not supposed to be the friend I know I'm not supposed to be the enabler I don't want my kids to be entitled yes what the hell is my role our role is actually so eloquently elegantly simple that parents are actually not going to like what I'm going to say okay even though I'm helping them liberate out of all the anxieties our role is to really be the bastion and the refuge of unconditional presence unconditional acceptance but it needs to be embodied and that's the hard part right I don't even know what you just said right this is so far away from what I'm doing that what is this even me because you're here right with most parents are here yeah yeah how do I fix how do I control how do I get my kid to take the science and the physics and the finance course and how do I get them to not be in that relationship we're so focused externally to puppeteer these beings who actually don't require puppeteering it's coming from our machinations of anxieties all being produced in our movie because we are not in the present moment connected to ourselves so what is our role our role is to be the embodiment of unconditional acceptance every human being desires to be seen to be considered worthy to have unconditional validation for who it is they are in their essence every human being wants to be in the presence of others where they feel good enough as they are correct so you desire just like me just like every authentic human being we desire to be seen for who it is we are we desire to be told that we're good enough as we are that we don't need to be perfect that wherever we move in life it will be our destiny our adventure to own even though it doesn't look like the script or the prescription that you had for me now then I experience freedom in your presence I feel liberated because you are not impinging your worth onto me you are in your own lane working on your own self esteem now I'm free to be an f up to be whoever I want to be because you are not impinging your worth on me or your anxiety or your native control or all of it all all how you are fairing as a parent based on how I am doing I tell parents all the time how you try it is fairing in the world doesn't give you a grade how you are fairing in the world gives you a grade but we look at our children as the trophy for our self worth and that's the enmeshment that is toxic I want to broaden this out because I have a feeling that you may be listening to this episode and listening toDr.

Sheffali and I want to validate something that you're saying which is if you just think about your own experience as a human being and what it was like or it wasn't like when you were a child yes and you now think about yourself as an adult every one of us can relate to this idea that when you feel controlled by your parents or you feel judged by them or you feel like there's going to be friction there what do you do you just pull away yes and you hide more of yourself and you lie and you lie wear a mask yes and you live in authentically yes and so the invitation that you have for each and every one of us is to recognize this dynamic that you have with the parents that you love or that you you know have whatever kind of relationship with you know that this is true yes that when you feel judged when you feel controlled when you feel somebody else's anxiety and worry creeping on to you you literally shrink and hide and run away and pull away from it yes and what you're here to say is that a you are passing this now to your kids and I would imagine you probably also see this with the way that people are in romantic relationships every with their friendships that you're doing the same thing and that the invitation is to recognize it and to have this awakening in yourself yes so that you are okay and you are present and you create enough space around you so that your parents can be your parents your kids and your friends and your significant other can be themselves and you can recognize your own emotion and your own ability to be okay with the ups and downs of it all is that what we're working on here and it's so hard to do in the parenting journey isn't it because they literally at least biologically come from you so for the parent to conceive that I don't own this being I don't possess this being and I shouldn't control this being is unfathomable because you're like what the hell it came from here look I have these stretch marks look I have all this cell you like it came from me it's mine so conscious parenting really has its underpinnings in eastern spirituality and meditation and therefore it's a deeper philosophy than just strategies to create the perfect child until people understand that our biggest plague in humanity is our desire to impose control possession ownership over others they will not understand what I'm saying so this is really a call to something bigger than parenting it's an awakening of humanity to understand that our children our partners our lovers our siblings each of us has our own unique destiny and whenever that destiny doesn't match with ours it creates panic because we all want to be mirrored we all want to be enmeshed because we're hungry for that validation but if we realize that that validation needs to come from within and each one of us has the complete freedom to live our own path now we can walk by each other's side without the need to micromanage and fly free to a destiny of our own making but that takes supreme in our empowerment and inner discernment in our boundaries in our power because when you enter your own power and claim it you will not need your children to be a certain way look a certain way and they will fly free to a destiny that is glorious but you have to trust that and that takes supreme maturity and it takes a wholeness of self as you're listening toDr.

Sheffali I want you to think about a battle for control that you have right now with either a child that you're parenting yes or if you're not a parent think about a significant other yep you want them to exercise more you want them to eat healthy you want them to be more proactive at their job you wish they weren't such a slob and so you're in this and in your heart you're a good person you're a good person and you know that this is like going to help them and it's going to help them and you're all contentious exactly exactly and so you like want to control this person that you love deeply and you want to control them because how do you go deeper yes you know what I see too I see this happening with relationships yes I see so much pressure that everybody is putting on their significant other and they're dating and the prom proposal and now like the fancy Instagram post and what it's all got to look like it's like everything has been ramped up yes how do you stop making your child or your significant other or your parents the enemy the only reason people are enemies to us is because they've triggered something deep within us that we haven't healed there is no enemy really on the outside except for people who physically subjugate you and even then they're not real enemies because ultimately mental liberation is an inner job so in terms of psychological enemies those are created by your own unhealed self I'm sorry to say after a certain age now children who tell me that they are being emotionally abused by their parents those children I will fully validate and I will call the parents to task but after a certain age I tell those children if they've grown up after 21 I say okay it's time for you to release the unconsciousness your parents burdened you with and all the suffering that they indoctrinated you with it's time to release them and now to parent yourself because I believe every human is a parent to their own in a child that's beautiful every human is a parent to their own inner child I love thatDr.

Shavali this feels like a really good point to take a pause here a word from responses let all of this incredible wisdom that you're sharing just really sink in and as you are listening to our sponsors please take a moment and share this with someone share it with your parents share it with one of your kids or somebody that you love who really will benefit from this extraordinary insight fromDr.

Shavali and don't go anywhere because we are just scratching the surface we have so much more to teach you to share with you to empower you to stay with us welcome back it's your buddy Mel I'm here with the amazingDr.

ShavaliDr. Shavali here's where I want to go next what do you do if you're listening right nowDr.

Shavali and you're having this kind of heaviness in your heart because you're really maybe for the first time giving yourself permission to see your experience as a child and to realize that your parents did not give you what you needed that there was this battle for control that you do feel the sense of obligation and undying loyalty and you didn't feel same what is your advice to somebody who's kind of having that awakening of what their experience has been yeah that realization is huge coming to that awareness although it's a heavy awareness to come to is actually the first step of disrupting patterns and healing generational pain we actually cannot avoid that trauma of that realization that holy shit I wasn't honored for who it is I was or I've been living a lie or I've been living in authentically in fact if a person doesn't come to the the humble footsteps of that realization they haven't really begun the awakening process that is the first step of coming to your knees and going holy shit I've been living a lie oh my god I didn't see this where have I been living I didn't realize this about myself I've been living as a puppet to my parents fantasies for all this time I've been lying to my authentic self so to come to that realization is the jewel but it comes with pain so now can we tolerate that pain and then take the next step forward so what is the next step okay now let's have compassion for where our parents came from they only did what they did to the level of consciousness they had we all operate only to the degree of consciousness we have we're not good or bad we are all on a spectrum of consciousness to unconsciousness at any given point in time so once we come to that wisdom we can see their pain we can see that they do not parent themselves we can see that our grandmire and grandpa were really you know yes so then we have compassion and we have compassion for our mistakes with our children and we don't go back and berate ourselves because that's again continuing the cycle of low earth and scarcity and then we begin to start in the here and now no matter how old your child is no matter how old you are no matter how many marriages or divorces the moment to begin living an awakened life is available right here right now and it's difficult to get your mind out of the resentments and regrets of the past but it is in our power to bring that mind to the beauty and abundance that this moment allows for you I want to thank you for highlighting the fact that when you start to have this awakening that you don't want to do things the same way that your parents or grandparents did that you want to truly have this awakening of taking control of yourself and your life and the way that you go through life that there is this major reaction especially on social media to just judge what can't be toxic can't cancel and cut your parents out and all that stuff and I'm so happy that you just highlighted this idea that first of all this is their first time being human beings absolutely and how could you expect somebody who was probably raised in a very troubling manner to somehow magically evolve I'm not excusing any like abuse or like anything that was done to any of us but really bringing a lens of compassion to oh somebody is repeating the patterns that were done to them they did what they did based on the consciousness that they have and now that I am listening toDr.

Sheffali and I am learning all these things I have a level of consciousness that's different yes and if you then jump on the bandwagon of judge toxic cut out all that stuff that is just like you're now back in the lane of controlling right so boundaries are healthy yes but when they are used euphemistically for walls and barriers and crevices then we're just perpetuating the same trauma over and over again when we truly evolve it comes with it unconditional self acceptance unconditional self acceptance comes with it and acceptance of our shadow right so when you accept your own shadow now you see it in everyone around you and you have the same compassion so truly evolved human beings who are working on themselves they are actually the most aware of their shadow so when parents stand up in audiences and tell me talk to Sheffali you know I'm a conscious parent I go you're putting because there is no such thing as a label consciousness is a calling it's a striving it's a quest it's a daily cultivation and it's not a journey of perfection it's not a destination it is actually the most grueling process of constantly looking at your florid ego in its face well you know I'll share with you as you're listening toDr.

Sheffali and I that I am so excited that my adult daughters are both in therapy yes because I've said to them please yes like talk about all the things I did wrong please yes let's heal the things that I did wrong tell me what patterns that I have that are not working for you if you felt unseen or invalidated if I was a control freak if I was checked out your experience is exactly right and I can do better and so giving yourself permission to evolve giving your children giving your parents giving your partners the same permission but you know why you did that because you're releasing your desire your need to be perfect you're letting it go you're like I've smashed it I can see that it's not going to work I need to let it go now that humility even though it takes some you know defacing of your pride doesn't it bring about a liberation absolutely because you're like who said I was perfect so when we can enter that humility of seeing your shadows seeing your limitations you actually free your children because your children knew all along it wasn't them they knew we were the crazy ones but we were acting like it was them so when we now own our crazy children are like hallelujah I don't need you to be perfect I'm okay being imperfect you were the one who thought you needed to be the perfect parent I didn't put that on you mommy you put that on yourself because you were still hungry for worth from your childhood and you put it on me I can't wait to hear what your reaction and your relationships are because I know that people are going to send this episode to their parents they're going to send it to their kids they're going to send it to their friends how do we do this like how like you we started to talk about the steps because as somebody's listening to you doctor Sheffali and they're thinking I want this yes I don't want to be a control freak yes I don't want to have my ego tied to micromanaging everything I can see how my need to control is blowing up in my face yes in with my kids with my parents with my partners how do you start to let go of control because I think we control because it's the way that we feel better we don't feel anxious like one of the reasons why I control is because I'm so worried something's going to happen to my kids yes I'm so worried about them and how do you start well it's really a practice and it takes work and I know parents don't want to hear that they want the one two three but I wrote the one two three in this book called the parenting map because parents were asking me for the steps but really the steps are about number one uncovering your own childhood conditioning you've got to do the work you've got to go back and understand how you are carrying your internal mother how you've internalized your mother and your father sorry you have to do that work so you work with a coach a therapist and the second thing is you have to awaken to really what life is about and what life is about in a very simple way is the present moment the impermanence and fragility of death and the absolute relinquishment of control over ourselves or another human being you just have this way of explaining things that it makes something so profound makes so much sense here's where I want to go next I want to talk about a topic that listeners around the world are writing in about and it is the documented and alarming spike in depression and anxiety and mental health issues particularly in young adults yes and when I hear a lot of experts talk about it they just talking broad strokes can you help us understand the various factors that have gone into this spike because I feel like I don't know what to stop controlling like if the main behavior that we need to get ourselves to change is this constant need to control other people in our lives particularly our kids right and to become more conscious right to let and go right and being in the moment right how do we do that on a topic where you've got somebody that you really care about that's deeply in the spiral okay of anxiety or depression okay so then several layers to your questions so number one what do we do with all this disease that we're seeing yes really disease from within it is a symbol and a symptom of inner disconnect right where disconnected and while we were always I think disconnected since the birth of the agricultural revolution and technology and industrialization in the past 30 years we have seen technology in front of our eyes take over our lives to the point where we are using technology as proxies as surrogates for relationships now children need presence they need a parent who embodies the here and now attunement and alignment in order to thrive now when the parent is constantly distracted on a screen using the screen as a proxy for their own anxiety management as medication the child now is not getting the source of warmth of connection of soothing safety security significance from the primary caregiver it's also beginning to rely on the same proxies so this is why we have seen a greater incline in mental disease now than ever before because our proxies have multiplied we have a proxy in the back pocket we have a proxy in the car we have a proxy in the back of the car in the trunk we have batteries and chargers and adapters and 10 devices so we are now replacing human to human connection which is the core foundational essence of quote unquote good parenting with these proxies so our children are feeling that lack so mental health is rising I know it's a broad answer what do we do about it right what do we do we take our children in our charge soon we don't wait for the schools to relinquish technology we can do it at home each parent has the power in their own microcosm at home to increase connectivity with that children if we want to raise children who are secure well empowered in adulthood they require the first 10 years of true presence it doesn't mean daily moment by moment presence but it's the embodiment of that energy so we have to do away with the screens we have to be decluttered in our own schedules in our own agendas cut out all the 10,000 activities all of that is a waste of time for the most part focus on the connection between parent and child or siblings and keep it simple what happened in the pandemic was really tragedy in many ways in so many people's lives but it was a call back to simplicity a call back to consciousness a call back to connection but now we've lost it again so you will see this rise continuing because children know that they're missing they can feel it they're like where are my connected parents why am I not in nature why am I sitting in front of this plastic one-dimensional screen clicking on buttons that are artificial they sense it and their psyche suffers soDr.

Shafali are you saying that modern parenting where we are parenting with a phone in our hand and we ourselves are not present yes because we are on the screen and we are distracted and we are over-scheduled and we are anxious and worried is the direct cause of the anxiety that our kids are failing it makes sense yeah but but the parent if we can't blame the parent because I don't mind like I'll take the blame like I see I see my responsibility right but greater than that like instead of just focusing on the parent we have to see it as a system of parents right I call it the parenting industrial complex this is not just one parent the parent is being swallowed by a system and the system is to be called to task and it takes people like us who are out there with a microphone to be the harbinger of a new tomorrow where we inform parents hey you can do it differently just because everyone in the neighborhood is doing it this way I'm here to tell you it's harmful of course it takes courage but there is a way to do things differently and that's what I teach doctor shafali I am just so grateful that you're here I'm just learning so much I mean nobody has ever explained it like this before and I know you're feeling the exact same way so I want to take a quick pause we can hear a word from our amazing sponsors but take a minute over the break and share this with someone that you love who needs this information because when we come back doctor shafali has even more to share with you and your loved ones we'll be waiting for you after a short break so don't go anywhere stay with us welcome back it's your buddy Mel I'm here with the amazing doctor shafali so doctor shafali are there specific recommendations because I agree with you I think we all know that this is something we have majorly screwed up and I love that you use the word we've been swallowed by it yeah and there is that sense that well everybody else my kids going to be the one that's left out and if they're left out and they're not on the smartphone and they're not doing this and they can't do that then they're going to experience more anxiety and so our anxiety about what they're going to feel is creating this pressure to do things that you know instinctively this doesn't work it doesn't work that I'm sitting at a dinner at a restaurant my four-year-old is watching an iPad and my teenager is texting under the table this doesn't work it's not good for anybody yes so doctor shafali what do you recommend as just a couple things that you're like parents this is simple things you need to do to reclaim the presence for yourself because you are that safe base that is modeling yes what this looks like yes and here in this one area I become super controlling okay so now you're like what happened to the I'll take it back let's go it's because I see the pernicious nature of this movement the social media movement this technological movement because it's taking children away from their core needs being met and then I become controlling right so when I see a parent going completely off track and doing things that are so harmful to the child then I'm like okay this is where we have to just be hard clear so one of the few things the parent has to do yeah can I just say so yeah because I look at this like if your kid were sucking on the vape pipe that's what I say you take it away if your kid were like pounding jack Daniels before dinner you would take it away or if your kid needed treatment for cancer and they were like no mommy I don't want to go for radiation you're going to say to the kid I'm so sorry you hate me we are going in the car and we're going to go get your treatment if that's what you choose to do so at that point you're not thinking about good guy or bad guy right you're just doing what is good for your child's essence and I think what parents are not realizing because they are meditating themselves you see on this drug they're not realizing is that this drug is no different to the child's brain then alcohol or crack cocaine or anything that you would immediately say no way it's not entering my house how have we allowed this to happen we've allowed it to happen because we the parent gets sued and medicated on this drug it's an intoxicant for us it's taking us away from that anxiety I've been talking about so what I encourage parents to do a it's not too late let's clean up your own house your internal house and your own life begin with you start with an hour a day off screen free time where you are just present and the parents go but then my kid will do nothing my kid will just be bored my kid will just be on the couch and I say that's amazing we don't need to do we need to be together in the space of this oneness energy like what is so scary about that right because we just filled our life with this constant need for distraction so the parent has to become disciplined start with an hour start with 30 minutes or like you say five minutes a day right just start there where you say okay this is a screen free moment where we're going to just be we're going to be bored we're going to be frustrated we're going to be with our feelings we're going to be annoyed with each other we're going to be authentic we're not going to numb or dissociate when the parent begins to practice that and there will be protests and there will be a strong withdrawal right where they're going to detox and they're going to drive you crazy then the ripple effect will start but the parent has to seize that moment and realize that this is a drug that is in your house and your kids are vaping it every minute this comes back to your core message which is it is all about your own awakening yes yes and we're so busy trying to control what everybody else is doing and the kids are on the phone and you're complaining about it while you're looking at your phone yes and so it starts with you yes you know one thing that we did that was hugely helpful is there's a basket in the kitchen with a charger yes and phones are not allowed at our table you're not allowed to have them when we're having meals together and the basket helps to find the boundary yes blame the basket yes so how as somebody who is an expert right how is social mediaDr.

Sheffali impacting children and their ability to connect and I know it's been talked about a lot but I think it's never enough yes how disconnecting social media is what used to be a photo on your fridge being commented upon by your nasty auntie is now out there for the world to comment on and young children teenagers especially are not equipped to handle that degree of self criticism that degree of scrutiny judgment scorn degradation racism ages and sexism they're not yet equipped so when we allow our children to be exposed to this vast milieu of strangers and their toxicity into your child's life you're actually not protecting your children right just like you wouldn't let them go and travel the world and when they're eight and because who knows who they will meet and can they navigate the the scary risky territories of the unknown foreign country in the same way giving your child access to strangers in such an indiscriminate way is like saying here go go go if you get raped if you get damaged if you get stolen from oh well that's what's happening to our children's psychology and that's why our children are showing acute signs of distress are we listening no we're not we're not right I think everybody's not to lunch because we've we've disappeared we've disconnected even more right and this is because we as parents are not grounded in our own present moment the present moment scares us so much that we're so relieved right if you look at any bus stop any train station where are we looking down on our phones I'm guilty of this100% and I have to catch myself and go oh my goodness where did the last 10 minutes go and life is always reminding us hey listen I'm fragile don't waste me I'm not here forever pay attention to me I'm beautiful I am your greatest dopamine hit I'm the greatest intoxicant of of euphoria pay attention to me I'm for free life is always backening to us but we're not paying attention then we have children and we don't pay attention then we have the relationship when we don't pay attention and then we have the terminal illness maybe then we'll pay attention well the invitation today is to wake the hell up and start paying attention yes because if I'm hearing you correctly the only way to get your kids or your teens off their phones is to get yourself off yours first yes and to be more present yes because what you'll find when you're more present yes is how sad you feel and how disconnected you are yes as you sit with your family and everybody's on their phone yes is there like a script that you have because I would imagine that there's going to be a lot of you listening to this especially if you have adult kids yeah we're like okay this gene is out of the bottle I really blew this correct they don't even live here anymore I don't like other than dinners out yeah and everybody hey guys let's put our phones away yeah how do you begin to call back something yes especially if the big message here is you're not like yes obviously we focus with ourselves but how do you right start the conversation with somebody who you're not controlling yes so parents who are listening maybe thinking oh my goodness I missed it I didn't know this and they're sitting with regret or feeling blame and guilt and shame okay I understand that the reason you have guilt and shame is because you're missing the power of this message which I'm about to say it's not about the past anymore so it's about the present moment right so now what do I do tomorrow or today with my child right here right now well we don't we don't tell our child you know what I heardDr.

Schviley and Mel talk about the phone let's story our phone you don't do that you don't come attacking with your sermons and your lectures and your wisdom you begin to show up with a curiosity about who it is they are you begin to show up with this desire to know who it is they are as humans no human I believe will turn away from another human who's genuinely curious about them whenever I'm with my adult daughter now and I want to control her I always switch it to if you're not curious about her if you don't seek to understand her zip your mouth right I shifted to change your desire to control to fix to opinionate to sermonize to lecture to preach to give a history lesson to be curious about your child show up as interested look at them as if they're the most amazing human being every single bud of a child will blossom into a flower under that gaze there's no human being it may take time depending on the ravages of the wreckage of the past but no human being will turn down from somebody who's looking at them as if they're the only person on earth now if you begin to look at your child and give them that unconditional whole presence without tarnishing them without seeking to fix micromanage do their hair change their clothes give them advice they will blossom under your gaze they will come to you like a flower to the sun it is human nature this is what we're seeking at the most desperate level this is the reason why we go to our phones so if you go beneath to the need why are our children going to the phones why are we going to the phones it's because it gives us safety it gives us security it allows us to check out for my anxiety okay so now if I can provide that for my child and for my loved ones they will come to me they will prefer me over the phone but you have to become that energy you have to become the energy greater than the phone you have to be the dopamine hit bigger than the phone you have to be the attractant larger than life and I'm not saying wear a clown suit into gymnastics and backwheels you just have to show up with that unconditional curiosity and acceptance and validation and celebration of the other human being and they will come to you I love this I love this because it's within your power yes to shift yourself yes and to radiate something different yes and I can see that I often in the past have led with I'm going to criticize right I am going to try to control what you're doing right if I shift that to how can I be connected to you and how can I be curious about you so lead with the curiosity and the connection let that radiate yes I tell every parent when you are sitting with your child or another loved human being check your energy how are you showing up you take care of how you are showing up the shine in your eyes the tilt of your chin toward them the unremitting gaze upon them and if you keep aligning to that presence sooner or later the person in your presence will feel that energy and they will gravitate they will be magnetized to you but you see because we don't believe we have that inner power we don't capitalize on it right so what I tell parents is so easy on one level but also difficult on another because it requires the parent to believe they are the beacon they are who the child wants the child wants you your loved one wants you but they want an uncontaminated you I've healed you I hold you every human being wants to be in the presence of somebody who is whole that's why we go to spiritual teachers because they've done that work we feel free in their presence so that's the calling that I want parents to rise to what a beautiful invitation I did an episode on the passing of time and it really resonated with so many listeners around the world by the time that your kids are 18 years old you've spent90% of the time that you have with them and I said during that episode that I'm really conscious about being present with our son Oakley because he's a senior in high school and he is heading off to college and I want to make the most of the time that I have with him andDr.

Shafali it was like an avalanche hit our inbox there are so many parents and their adult children that listen to this show and it was like this real kind of rallying cry about being present with the time that you have and just kind of the sense that it's really fleeting so as somebody's listening to this and they're feeling like that window of time has passed the kids have grown up their adults they've moved on and there's this sense of grief that you feel what is your advice to somebody that really is kind of thinking about what they didn't do or the time that was lost it's so natural to ruminate about all that could have been and should have been but it is another trap to take you out of the present moment so while I have compassion for that I typically wake parents up to say that time is not here in the present the only moment of relevance is what we are doing here and now but that's where our power lies how can I align now how can I make it work now you know I work with countless parents whose children have canceled them right because some therapists tell them stay away from your parents and they come to me grieving because they feel remorse but they can't reach their children and I tell the parents you may not get the ideal relationship back but nothing is stopping you from being the bastion of love and unconditional acceptance right here right now and the parents will say but how my child blocks me or how my child refuses to see me I say to them there is always a way you can leave a note at the doorstep you can send flowers every Sunday you can cook a meal and leave it outside because you are not doing this unconditional love to receive something back you're doing it to simply tell your child that you are in that state right we often think of love as a two-way street that okay I'll show you love as long as I get something back but what I encourage all of us to do but especially with our children is don't love your children to get something back to post on Facebook that your children come to you with every problem you love your children because you are the emblem of that you radiate with that and let the universe do its work so that is enough power again well it is so hard to just be loved yes without the expectation of it being returned because I do think a lot of the pattern that's been passed down from generation to generation is the transactional nature of love that I am doing this for you therefore you must love me yes I am paying for this therefore you must behave a certain way this sort of tit for tat yes as somebody's listening there's a lot of listeners around the world who are seeking greater connection with their kids as they're moving through high school and into college and their young adults in their 20s so right at the time where there's a biological imperative for your child to separate yes what advice do you have for parents who are trying to be more connected with their adult kids as the kids really are craving their independence right so when we say connect to your adult child it's not about being in close proximity if that's not what the child desires when we say connect to the adult child it's connect to the need developmentally that the child is to leave the roast so connect to that need meet that need which is so counter because it's not meeting my need you see the battle is my need to have you be my proxy surrogate medicine to make me feel good yes don't take away my drug no exactly but what does the child need developmentally to live their life to leave to leave to take risks to f up to be a failure to learn to fly that is what they came to this earth to do you did your job by getting them to this place and now if you hold them back through tentacles of guilt and shame and control you're clipping the very wings you work so hard to help expand because holding on to somebody else not only robs you of somebody else flying into their destiny it actually robs you of flying into yours correct because it's not the authentic thing to do when the authentic thing to do is to release and you're grasping and you shrivel and die so are you ready for your next iteration you don't even know who the next male is going to be we all better watch out because you have no idea what is going to be birth within you when your last child leaves for college now aren't you excited about that well now I am thank GodDr.

Sheffali's jersey yes I do and one thing that I am curious about though because I know that so many of our listeners are worried about somebody that they love who's struggling yes so what is the balance between support versus control so here's the thing when we see people in pain our children anyone especially our children it brings up all our own untraceable issues with pain because we hate pain and we haven't truly befriended pain in our lives psychological pain exists in our life for one reason only what is it we are resisting the as is what does that mean we're fighting reality my child is leaving for college I'm panicking because I don't know who I am without my child I don't like my partner and this is going to bring all my couples issues to the floor and I need my time to be around or I have a terminal illness and I thought I was more special I should not have a terminal illness or I got fired from a job and how could that happen to me we are resisting reality in the here and now so when we keep resisting pain pain becomes bigger doesn't go away so what is pain here to teach you to surrender when we surrender we not only release the pain the pain actually becomes shrunken we expand into the next evolution now these sound like pretty words but every human being who has been through pain will hear the resonance and echoes of wisdom in what I'm saying for those who have not yet had the privilege of pain in their lives I am not worried because pain comes to all I tell my clients all the time you know you're not ready because you're not in pain enough so come back to me when there's more pain because when there's more pain then the ego will be ready to release its dogmatism I need to have it my way and I will release to the surrender of the business if there's somebody that's in a lot of psychological pain right now yeah and intellectually yes they get it that this pain is here to teach me how to surrender yes how to accept what is how to accept what isn't yes how to accept what is not in my control yes how to discover my okhanus yes that's the next step though so after the okay it's here to teach me you just hit on the second step which is oh my goodness I have to now discover that I can be okay oh shit I don't know how to do that because I've never been okay that is the work and so every difficult moment in life is about a marriage to your own deepest self and your own inner power which is abundant within us but we've been divorced from it so pain is here our children are here the hardship in life is here to take you back to the wisdom that you can be okay no matter what and that's a beautiful homecoming isn't it what is the first step to rebuilding a relationship with especially a child that's older that you feel like you really screwed up or you've grown apart from or you just are like even listening to you today and you're like I want that back so first just because you want it doesn't mean you're going to get it immediately right so when you truly awaken you will stop wanting it to look a particular way you will then the next step is take accountability right so write that letter send that text saying you know what I have finally realized that your grandmother screwed me up and I'm so sorry just let your children know that you've been working on your shadow and now you see how you have been unconscious and it may not land as authentic to your children at first because children are always skeptical and they don't really believe us because we have so hoodwinked them so many times it may take a while but when you consistently show up in your own truth in your own state of abundant love maybe one day your child will be ready to come back into the fold but if you rush it if you dictate it if you are hungry for it you will reset the same dysfunctional cycle your child owes you nothing parents don't like when I say that your child owes you nothing no human being owes you anything I know I know I'm sorry why is it important to embrace the truth that your child owes you nothing when we say someone else owes us something that is being said with authority entitlement ownership possession and we own or possess nobody least of all our children we only if at all barely own our own self right here right now in this little moment this sounds disempowering I know but it's actually hugely liberating when you realize who the hell am I trying to control the universe is going to continue on I'm an irrelevant spec on the mode of a sun beam when I get that deeply life becomes beautiful it becomes lila play a beautiful dance because you've released the need for validation significance from others and binding them to us that's the greatest liberation I do think that like90% of the stress and agita that we cause ourselves is by trying to control other people and trying to get what we want out of life from the love and the validation and the respect by controlling other people and what you're saying is when you start to live your life and tell yourself the truth nobody owes me anything my job is to awaken myself to give myself the validation and the love to radiate the connection and the love that I want from other people and then everything magically aligns with that I want to talk a little bit just about boundaries yes because you had said we're not here to build walls but boundaries are really important so how do you set boundaries and how do you think about the difference between a wall versus a boundary yep so first boundaries have nothing to do with the other person how so so if I don't want you to drink that water yes the old self may think oh I'm gonna tell her can you not can you please not drink that water and you don't think that you're a bit thirsty you don't tell me what to do exactly and I'm gonna want to drink water then I'm gonna be really upset I'm like I told you what I want I made about it I said it clearly because I'm deluded to think that I get to tell you in the way of a boundary okay so what is a true boundary I see you really need to drink that water I think it's really unhealthy you're gonna have a huge bout of diarrhea and I just I'm too I can't handle it because I'm just not you know able to watch that so I'm going to leave right now so your boundary is about your behavior and what you will allow and what you won't and what you'll stay present for and what you want so how does it relate to children right I can't leave the toddler who's putting his fingers into every thing cookie dough and you know toxic stuff this is what you do you take it away right you don't bring the cookies into the house instead of herringing them every day don't eat the cookies don't eat the cookies don't eat the cookies you become the boundary so you have to think oh I just need to take away the wifi oh I can do that I have permission to do that in my own house you know what that would be the single best thing to do to get everybody off the phone yes I used to lie to my three-year-old daughter all the time that the park was closed in the evening I was like I'm so sorry we can't go the park is closed so I created a boundary as in it's not me we can't go to the park or just take away the wifi and children don't understand so you can make up things like oh I wouldn't eat that cake it's really spicy you know you may have to lie a little bit you have to be creative but what I'm basically saying is make it a condition in the house versus giving control to the other when you keep begging the other to follow your boundary you're actually disempowering yourself because you're holding them as the holders of your dignity of your control you don't give your power to someone else don't be hostage to someone listening to you or not you know I tell women all the time this took me like 40 years to realize myself oh I have two legs for a reason like I can walk away what a concept so what that means is you create the conditions to rise don't ask another to follow or not follow I love this the boundaries are about you and your own dignity yes and do not give it to somebody else to enforce your dignity yes you have two legs for a reason right if the if to rise right to walk out the door if you don't have two legs get in your wheelchair and wheel out the door right oh if every day right parents tell me I'm fighting with my children every day okay what are you fighting about well because they just eat junk food okay who bought the junk food I did but that's not the point I'm like okay that is the point okay I'm fighting with my kid every day because they won't get off the phone who got the phone I did but then they yell at me also you can't handle that right or the TV I mean they're only four five things that our kids obsess over what are the four or five things that parents constantly come oh my god it's the same thing it's so repetitive what is it yeah junk food it's electronics maybe a car that they're not yet ready to drive but that's about it and maybe money which again you have in your control so we're not talking about a lot of stuff now when it goes to red flag behavior like drugs or drinking then I don't play around right when it goes to red flag behaviors we're not gonna wait for the child to come to their own knowing yes so parents need to understand what I'm talking about till now has been for behaviors that are not harmful anything that harms them in a real detrimental way I hold no bars right how do you handle when a child or somebody that you love is in a relationship yeah or a friendship yes with somebody that is destructive yes I'm not talking physical abuse I'm talking mean friends yes toxic behavior you see the person that you love shrinking yes how do you handle that yeah you do the both end you say you know what I see this my stomach can't take it I know you may grow into the most beautiful butterfly from this but I don't have the stamina I don't have the guts I can't do this you know please help me forgive me I need to move away from this relationship right now I love you I'm here for you but when you are with this person I cannot engage because I'll be lying to you I'll be lying pretending that I'm here for you now that's in the most toxic of environments right in other situations and we've all had this with our girlfriends we don't just jump ship because we see them in trouble we actually let them know we do the both end I'm letting you know but I'll stick around as long as I can but if I feel like it's getting to a point where it's red flag then I need to disconnect so that you miss me enough that you will sit with yourself to go within to ask why did she leave me right I want to make you uncomfortable so that you can do the inner work I don't want to go but I see this is so harmful to you and you don't see it so I'm going to extricate myself with love but I'm always here I'm just not going to be around this dynamic it's really hard to do with finesse but you have to make it very clear to your friend or your child I love you I'm not abandoning you I'm abandoning my inability I cannot handle this so again I create the boundary I love this I love this it's very empowering not easy not easy but very empowering and you can see how this can work because if you stay in the dynamic and you lie it props the dynamic up yeah you enable it if you leave the dynamic and you make it clear that I love you this is what I see and I'm worried about you I can't be a part of this dynamic yes so I'm going to remove myself yes you know they're going to sit with it yes because your decision which is coming from your truth yes and you feeling empowered and you being present to love and connection yes shifts everything about the dynamic yes sometimes when I have a client who's in a relationship that's toxic all the client is engaging in self-homing behaviors I have to most lovingly you know disconnect and say I'm doing this because I love you if I treated you it would be an authentic because I cannot treat you when you are under the delusion of a drug or in this toxic environment I cannot release you to go home and you get battered every day although it looks like I'm being cruel I'm actually letting you know what a red flag this is that you need to wake up I don't think it's cruel at all I actually think this is the greatest act of love yeah to be honest with somebody yeah about where you stand with them and what you're concerned about without controlling it yes because only you can control your participation in this yeah and you're actually telling them that I know you have the potential to awaken I am leaving you to your own awakening because I trust it if I stay and lie I'm not awakened I am inauthentic and I keep you in the mess of it in the toxicity of it I always tell couples you know when they're scared to leave a relationship don't stay if you're inauthentic because you're actually stopping impeding the other person's capacity to be free and authentic themselves the greatest act of love is to follow your own authenticity because then you free others to discover theirs so true you knowDr.

Shafal you say that a midlife crisis can be a very good thing why any crisis but especially those at midlife are potent invitations to the threshold of a new beginning why midlife what happens in midlife is that we've checked off you know many of the things on the prescription list that culture our parents told us if you do this and you do that and you then you have the children you live in the neighborhood with the thing you're going to be happy and you're like okay I've done you know 37 of the 45 and happiness is not looking any closer you know I'm actually in a worse place today with my four children and I'm bankrupt and you know I'm not connected to my part of the forest and I'm this and I yeah so wow now is the opportunity to realize that you were sold alive that that prescription list that you were holding on to and checking off so valiantly and showing the world you see me now needs to be torn because it was all a mirage it was alive it was a bag of goods and now the invitation is to curate and create a life that is authentically designed by your in a knowing if you spend your whole life though checking the list and following the prescription of society which is everybody which is everybody yes how the hell do you figure out what a life that's authentically yours based on your inner like how do you even know you don't have to really figure it out because your life will eventually fall apart because it's based on a prescription list therefore it wasn't authentic it is going to fall apart it just happens more in midlife you know why because our children the youngest ones typically grow up into teenagers and use you as a chauffeur and a wallet and you are no longer mommy or mother and they don't like you very much because they've seen your bullshit so that's when you go holy cow even my last child doesn't like me anymore now what they're leaving the loose now what or you know I lost the 25 pounds now what I have the fancy job now what it's that now what that allows you to ask what now right to come into the now it is going to happen whether you like it or not either you beckon it invite it embrace it and celebrate it or it will happen to you because we've mostly been living in authentically and in authentic life cannot sustain itself it will fall apart and it should fall apart but we get terrified because then the next question is the deadly question okay then who am I but for the first time you are asking it naked raw transparent true and now it will answer itself the asking of the question is the direction toward the answer but we're so scared to ask that we keep pretending we know well I think it's also terrifying when you do ask who am I and you don't know you're not supposed to know say the thing is we when we came as children we were supposed to discover and unfold into our knowing but because our parents had all this anxiety and needed to micromanage and puppeteer and be the chorus conductor they conducted us and said no you will be a musician and a basketball player you will go to this school you will be this kind of scientist or engineer so they gave us the prescription right so all that we've been to now is actually not our true self because we were never allowed to discover it so now when things fall apart and you ask who am I of course you're not supposed to know because now begins the process that you should have been allowed to do in your childhood but you were never allowed so you are repairing yourself now you are meant to dissolve to then start again authentically knowing that the person listening so wants to take that invitation and we'll want something to do is there like a journal exercise or something that you can wake up and do every morning yes that might help you practice being more conscious and connected to yourself yes that will help you in this inquiry of who am I so there three layers the first one is a mental decision and a declaration to now look at yourself as a seeker of your own authentic truth first you have to decide oh okay I thought my my life was about being a perfect parent or being very skinny or traveling the world oh now I see that it is about being a seeker of my own authentic truth and power first you have to decide to become a seeker so first is mental the next thing is a psychological excavation which means bringing yourself to see your relationships as mirrors to the relationship you have with yourself so really begin to see it awaken to it on the psychological level oh my goodness I'm recreating that dynamic here oh my goodness it was in my boss it was me and then the third most important effective strategy is you have to learn meditation now people think meditation is religious or it's not it is the practice of being present minding your mind mindfulness in the here and now because every time you bring yourself back into the here and now you not only become more present you actually begin to let go the cravings that you were clinging onto so that constant reflection the pause the examination the deconstruction these sound like boring unglomerate things but this is the practice I don't think it sounds boring at all and I want to make sure that the way that you just described the meditation which isn't what I thought it was going to be because when you said meditation I thought you meant okay I got to like sit down and observe my thoughts for 15 minutes but what you actually just said is in this inquiry when you notice that you're starting to control when you notice you're jumping to the future when you notice that you're starting to get activated come back into the present moment and ask yourself why does this bother me why do I need to control this and it's in the seeking yes of that answer that you discover the ability yes to let go to be present and to understand who you really are yes and that's why I said the first step is to commit to now from this moment on to being in this laboratory of life this experimental play field to dance within to discover yourself you have to decide that everything here now is about me discovering my authentic self so therefore everyone is a teacher everyone is a gift because I am now going to extricate my own authentic self from this moment I am going to do that so I no longer need you to complete me I'd like it but I don't no longer obsess over it or control it or die without it I would like it but I'm now going to use this moment to complete myself and that declaration that commitment to seeing life as a constant reminder to come back to the self is the most beautiful gift and our children why do I focus on children because they by living in the present by being unencumbered by being in their raw state of essence unscripted unscribed unconditioned remind us oh there's another way to live and these are my teachers how do I become an unconditioned human being without the prescriptions of culture to deny that raw reflection of our truth potential so beautifuldr.

Schvalley if the person listening who I can just feel you as you're taking us on a walk or you're having us with you in your car or you're at home and you're kind of now probably sitting down and contemplating all this if there was one thing that you hope that the person listening to you right now takes away from this conversation and then puts into action starting today what would it be that no matter how difficult your life is right now no matter how no one is following the script and you know working according to your fantasy no matter how challenged you are I promise you there is an invitation here for you to lean in to find something that actually you are missing in this moment so they are acting out and they are not listening to you and they are being rude or disrespectful for you to discover something if you can realize that you will be excited you will be explorative you will be curious so lean into that ask this question what is this moment here to show me about my unhealed self please show me I'm awake I'm listening I'm ready to evolve absolutely extraordinary what are your parting wordsDr.

Schvally that parenting whether you're a real parent to a child or to your own in a child is your sacred task it's a sacred gift to parent your own in a child and or to parent those around you so use this relationship to yourself and to others as the latter as the journey toward your authentic freedom you are here on this earth to experience your wholeness it is present within you each one of us is whole we are just disconnected from that so these relationships are here to remind you that you can access a whole and liberate itself you have the powerDr.

Schvally it has been such a remarkable honor and privilege to spend time with you today thank you thank you thank you for being here thank you for everything that you shared it really has changed me thank you for everything you do in the world as well and I want to thank you for taking time with us today and for spending time listening or watching something that will truly not only help you create a better life but there is an invitation that was extended to you today a beautiful generous invitation for you to wake up and lean into a deeper relationship with yourself and to unlock this tremendous power that you have to experience life and every relationship that you have in a whole new way and I truly truly hope that you will take everything thatDr.