I remember my friends were all looking at me like i was ridiculous, but i was like i don't regret this.
This is a great decision.
Our pathfinders no, it's true, this one worth it break my heart.
Hello and welcome to Hot Pursuit, a podcast about creating conversations where nothing is off limits.
This podcast was produced by Asian Boss Girl.
I'm Em, and all of my relationships start as situationships.
I'm Jen, and I think I'm getting screwed over by situationships every time.
She's a lover girl.
Love girl.
I'm Madeline, and I have successfully prescribed all of my friends situationships.
The single ones.
The single friends.
Yes.
Important.
So today we're talking about situationships and we thought we would start things off with a rapid fire.
Set of questions.
Do's and don'ts.
Do you do this?
Should you do this?
Should you not?
Yeah well, first i feel like we should quickly define what a situationship is.
Chat gpt says a situationship is a romantic or intimate connection that has emotional or physical closeness, but avoids clear labels, expectations or commitment.
That's pretty good.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dating without dating chat.
Gbt left it open with, like emotional or physical closeness or both yeah okay, so i'm gonna read off some do's or don'ts and you guys will tell me if it's yes or no, yay or nay.
Okay, you have to respond too, though i will too okay.
So, With your situationship, do you say good morning or good night?
I let them say good morning and good night to me.
I love when they say good morning, good night.
But it makes it so much worse at the end.
Yeah.
Do I?
No, I don't.
I don't either.
I don't.
But it is nice when they do.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Okay.
Do you introduce them to your friends?
No.
Negative.
Never.
No.
Well.
Yes or no?
Maybe.
Maybe.
Because.
Because.
She gives the answer that it's not.
Maybe.
No.
Well, this is not.
Because sometimes the situationship is the pre-dating period that you think it's going to be.
So then it's like, oh, come hang out.
Say hi.
Okay.
I have done that.
What about you?
I have done that.
Maybe it's a...
I'll only.
I only introduce them if they call on their FaceTiming and I'm with my friends and I'm like, do you guys want to meet them?
Like how many of those have I met?
Quite a few.
Quite a few.
This is true.
We've met a few.
Yeah.
Okay.
Um, okay.
Next FaceTiming.
Yeah.
I'm down to FaceTime if they call.
This was supposed to be rapid fire.
I know.
Rapid fire.
Okay.
Yes?
No.
Yes.
FaceTime?
Nah.
Okay.
Dates?
Casual.
No.
Casual date.
Like lunch, coffee?
You cannot call it a date if it's a situation, Chip.
You can.
No.
Sorry, this is what I would not.
Yeah.
Okay.
Dates.
Yes, dates.
I would go on a date.
It's food.
And you're dating.
I love spending time with my situationship.
She's like, this is not a situationship.
Yeah, you're just pre-dating.
Gifts.
No.
Oh, hell no.
Absolutely not.
No.
Yeah, depending on the length. of the situationship, maybe.
But no, not, not.
Didn't you get your last boyfriend perfume when you guys were in a situation?
Yeah, okay.
It was expensive.
Yeah, I really liked him.
I was like, Emily, what are you doing?
I had never met anyone like him, and he was so generous to me.
Two weeks in, I got him a $200 cologne that he was looking at.
I was like girl friends were all looking at me like I was ridiculous, but I was like I don't regret this.
This is a great decision.
I stand by it.
I will never do that again though.
With this brain, with this brand new 30 year old brain, no.
But at the time, I just really liked him.
Offering hospice care.
I'm just kidding.
Like if they're sick, if they're sick, would you nurse them to health?
I actually know a couple that is married and has a child now because when they were supposed to go on a date the guy got in a literal like life-threatening accident.
And so she went to visit him at the hospital and now they're married.
Wow, that's a sweet story.
They were dating?
They were on like, Called predating.
A second date or something?
That's not a situationship.
Okay, but back to situationship.
Yeah, I would.
They're human.
Yeah.
Would you?
Probably.
Oh, I don't see you saying no to like anyone, not just a situation shift.
Like if anyone needs help, you're not going to say no.
Okay.
You need me.
Sure.
Hello.
It just gets real complicated.
See all these things.
I'm like, yeah, I would.
Um, Stealing a hoodie.
Oh, of course.
Yeah, I would.
It's like, this is my territory.
How about you?
Mark me.
Territory?
Yeah.
If I want it, I guess.
Yeah.
If it's a nice hoodie.
If I want it.
I have never felt like I wanted it from a situationship.
I'm like, that's what I want for my boyfriend.
There was this one situationship I had.
I was like I need to get that sweatshirt.
The situation ship had already ended.
I reopened it.
She texted me and i was like i'm getting that sweatshirt, so i got the sweatshirt, that's right, you'll be doubled over.
Uh, you can decide if i'm a good person or not.
Okay, Traveling together.
Just traveling together, Madeline.
Deciding on a specific location that you will meet at.
Which could be a longer commute for some than others.
Yes or no, Jennifer? no this was pointed i would go yeah it's fun it's like an excursion it's like a hee hee hee i think yes they're a co-worker honestly yes why not why not sounds kind of fun It's pretty ideal.
Keeping the whole thing a secret.
Sure.
I can't because I need someone to debrief with.
Oh, yeah.
Secret from everybody?
Yeah.
No, that's no fun.
The whole point of a situation is to talk about it with your best friend.
Okay.
Following each other on socials.
Oh, inevitably.
Yes.
Yeah.
I meet most of mine through social.
I tried to avoid it, but then you like, you can't avoid it.
Yeah.
I like, just don't give it to them for like a long time.
And then they're just like, so.
I'm like, they're like, why don't we, we know what we look like.
Yeah.
Like why do you need my Instagram?
Yeah.
Whatever.
Um, keeping, okay.
Keeping their number after it ends.
Yeah.
You never know when you might want to.
Stay connected, you know?
It depends on the nature.
If it ended poorly, then no.
Block.
Oh, taking pictures together.
Oh, that's tough.
That's hard.
I mean, yeah, take the pictures.
But you might delete them after.
You got to show your friends what you did.
Yes, of course.
I think I didn't take pictures with some of them.
You didn't.
I didn't.
No.
The only pictures you sent of them were like pictures of their back.
Yeah.
I have like very few photos of situationships.
Yeah.
I have like a couple.
You have pictures of where they live.
Yeah.
And the food they gave you, that's it.
You're like, wow, look at this view.
Yeah.
I have like one or two with one of them.
Yeah.
Okay.
Having the same friend group.
Not recommended, but inevitable.
Guilty.
Telling them about your day.
If they ask.
If they ask.
Asking them about their day.
That's getting a little too much.
Yeah, that's too deep.
Okay.
Sending them selfies.
Like, this is what I'm wearing today.
I don't even do that with my friends, so no.
Yes.
Yeah, sometimes.
I need someone to admire me.
And then last but not least, pet names.
No.
Hail to the no.
No, negative.
No, that becomes predating territory.
Yeah.
I think pet names comes with a lot of obligation.
It comes with a role.
No, absolutely not.
Call me Emily.
My name is Emily to you.
All right.
So that was our fun rapid fire segment.
So clearly we have all been in situationships.
Would you guys recommend them to your friends?
Yes, I would.
100% yes.
Yes.
I am prescribing them actively.
I started after I became friends with Mads.
She was like, just try, it's fun.
You're not dating them.
He's not gonna be her husband.
And I'm like, oh.
Yeah, she's very good at that propaganda.
She kind of gives you permission.
Propaganda?
It's very good.
I'm setting you up for success in the future.
Yeah.
Yeah, she's like, this is good for you.
It is.
Why do you think that?
I think it's good for you because you learn so much about yourself.
You learn about how you interact with people.
You learn about your own expectations.
You learn about what you ultimately want.
You learn about how people interact with you.
And you also learn some emotional volatility and how to deal with that.
It's awful.
It's terrible, but it's character building.
Yeah, and sometimes you don't need to keep getting your heart ripped to shreds every time.
Yeah, it's like, what did I say?
It's an accelerated program for relationships.
You don't have to date someone for two years to learn all these things.
It's a three-month accelerated program.
It's called AP Toxic.
AP Toxic.
It's a three-month relationship you can sign up for, learn what you can, and then leave.
Or they might leave too.
And then you never know.
Afterwards, you could feel free or you could feel like, oh my gosh.
One time, one time after my situationship, I literally built a pyramid of tissues because I had so many.
So like they were all crumbled up into balls and I was like, as I was putting them down, I was like, let me just make a pyramid.
It was like 20 tissues.
I made like two pyramids.
I created, I erected a pyramid as well in Jen's rental car when mine was done.
I like went through so many tissues.
Yeah.
So clearly.
Situationships are like heart-wrenching, pretty awful.
They're really awful.
They're not for the faint of heart.
No yeah, that's true, but we're still laughing about it later.
So, like what, what's so good about them?
What's the problem?
Yeah, they're so fun at the beginning.
They're so fun Like I think that's something that is.
The best part of it is the thrill of the beginning period where you just you both know this could be something, this could not be something, but you're just fooling around all the time.
It's the best.
It's the worst when you're in the middle of the end and you're like, oh my God.
We've said too many selfies.
We've talked too much about our families to each other.
That's predating.
And you get to predating and got to rip yourself apart again.
Yeah.
No, it gets to a point where you're just like, oh, no, this feels like it's happening.
You're like, we could either move forward or this needs to end now.
And, but I think the part that makes it so fun is that there are no boxes that they have to check.
So you can just like explore this human as themselves and like cause.
You already know.
Ah, this isn't going to end up.
Well, this isn't going to be.
This isn't my husband.
He might be, but he probably isn't.
So he doesn't have to check any boxes.
I can just like appreciate him as a human being.
And that's like the fun part.
Cause then you get to learn so much about a different life and a different person.
It's really cool.
And then you're like, oh my gosh, I didn't know some people live this way.
It's so cool.
It opens your mind.
It opens your world.
Opens your heart.
Yeah.
It does.
At the beginning of your situationships, what do you often think is going to happen?
And do you often know like gut reaction?
Yes.
It's probably in it.
That's why it's a situationship.
But proceed.
You proceed anyways.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because if you think there's a chance, then you will not risk a situation.
Well, I wouldn't risk a situationship with them.
I'd be like, no, not at all.
Let's go through this process properly.
Yeah.
Let's be legit about this.
Yeah.
Otherwise, you're free tonight.
You want to watch a movie at your place?
No, okay, yeah, you learn so much about other people.
You learn so much about yourself too, because you can be a little more toxic almost.
You can be, because you're like, you're already thinking this relationship is gonna end.
And of course you shouldn't use people like this like flippantly for your pleasure.
But if they're in, If they sign up, if they bought into the game and you bought into the game, like let's go.
It's a mutual agreement.
Yeah.
You're both just like, all right, let's just let's just mess around.
Let's just see.
And so if you do get an argument, it's just so easy to be like, well, I didn't I didn't like that.
I'm going to go.
We don't have to work through anything.
Goodbye.
Yeah, it's all ambiguity, no commitment.
No clarity.
No clarity.
It's the best.
Tell us how you feel, Jen.
Yeah, okay.
I don't think I can do them anymore, guys.
How many have you been in?
There's like two or three that really come to mind.
And they were when I was younger.
And I just feel like my heart just naturally wants to, and like build something.
And so, even though I know, like I always know, at the beginning I'm like just saying it, but I'm still they're telling me, You know, and I'm like, I'm so invested in you now.
Yeah.
Even though I knew this was not going to be anything.
And then afterwards, I'm like, you knew anyway. but here you are.
And then you beat yourself up for it?
Well, it's more just like the head and the heart don't make sense.
Cause the head is like, yeah, you knew though.
And the heart is like, oh, but I just want to spend more time with him, you know?
So I can't do it anymore.
This girl loves to excavate a soul.
It's one of her favorite activities.
It's so beautiful, but then you're invested in the soul.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't think situationships are for lover girls.
Can't do it.
Yeah.
She's like a no.
100% no?
100% no to situationships?
No, I actually think it's really good to have a few of them, especially in your early years.
You really figure out how you react to things and the emotional risks that you can take and how you deal with them afterwards.
How emotionally resilient you are, I think, I think it's a really interesting indicator.
Oh, that's really good.
I'm not very emotionally resilient, so therefore I can't do them anymore.
But you learned that, right?
I'm like all in or, and then I have to be all out all of a sudden, you know?
I can't do the gray.
It's really hard.
It's hard.
It's so hard.
Like the stark difference between being with them and then nothing at all the next day.
They're blocked.
And I think like the later ones, I just felt like it was emptier for me.
Like afterward, just like you would spend time with them laying in bed, and you're just like but this is- You're laying there.
This isn't fun anymore.
Yeah, really.
I shouldn't do this anymore.
It takes a certain mindset.
It takes a measure of emotional unavailability, which is something I am learning right now.
It's really great.
Something I'm trying to unlearn.
Yeah, so she's more no.
She's like very yes.
I'm kind of like in the middle.
Cause you're a lover girl too.
I am.
I don't think every single time I'm like, I don't think I can do a situation chip.
And then I, and then I just do it.
And then I fall in love.
Cause I'm like, I see their soul.
I see their humanity awful.
I see like their, their parents, how their parents affected them and everything, and i'm just like.
I see you for who you are.
I don't i don't know if anyone's seen you like this.
I know you oh, exactly like.
The thing that I started realizing too, is that like I never wanted a future with them, but I didn't want to not have them in my life.
So then you're in this weird middle period of like I just want to be with you, but I don't want a future with you.
Right now.
Yeah.
I don't want to build anything with you.
I also don't, I don't want, I don't want to leave either.
You enjoy them.
Yeah, so what does it do with that?
I don't know.
It's pretty awful.
I think safety-wise, just don't even start.
But then there's just so many wonderful people that you meet.
And you miss out on if you're thinking about...
Yeah, that you miss out on if you are just barreling down the path of no, no, no, no, no.
Yeah.
You know?
You got to say yes to a couple.
Yeah, a couple.
I've had the best experiences with situationships.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Like some of the best memories.
The best memories, yeah.
Yeah.
I don't even want to call that one a situationship.
That was something else.
That was like life transformation.
Yeah, he changed my life.
My life is split into before him and after him.
This is the ultimate testimony, like life changed from a...
But if you had said no, we would have never known.
Yeah, exactly.
If I had adhered to my stringent these are my rules for getting close to me he wouldn't have taught me all these wonderful life things that now I apply to my life, and it's really helped me achieve my dreams even further.
He's inspired me so much.
It's because you know that you're not going to end up ultimately together.
You are then more open to entertaining new schools of thought, new ideas, things that you typically don't necessarily want or think of as desirable, because you're just like i'm just here for a good time, not a long time, so let me just like check out every corner while i'm here and then, once i don't like it anymore, i can leave.
But like, if you don't have, if you don't have like that mentality, then you just miss out.
It's like.
It's like you think america is the only place on earth.
You know what i mean?
Yeah, but then you go to europe.
Maybe i want to move to europe.
You know what I'm saying?
We know where her last situation ship was.
My last situation ship has me learning another language.
This is true.
Look at us expanding our horizons.
Yeah, it really does expand your world.
It does, and this is why you need one.
I really believe this in my soul.
I have assigned so many of my friends just to play.
What has been your most exciting and most transformative experience from a situationship that has made you feel so strongly to prescribe it to everybody, like cough drops being handed out.
No, because I just see that people are so careful with like their romantic life.
And I just sit here and I think for what?
Like, why does it have to be so serious?
It's not, you know, like the way that you make friends.
You're not gonna just try three people and hope you find the best one.
You gotta find, you gotta try so many friends.
How did I find you guys?
You know what I mean?
So many friends.
Yeah, like needle and haystack.
And I mean I'm not like go situationship with everybody, but like someone that's like exciting to you, someone that like you just want to play with, like just do it.
You know, like don't fight yourself, which I see a lot of people doing.
So I'm like, it's fine.
Just do it.
It's okay.
Like, will you come out mauled?
Yes.
Yes.
Yes.
For sure.
You must know this ahead of time.
But prepare yourself now.
You will be down in the dumps.
Yeah.
If you have your girls.
Exactly.
Yeah.
Tell your friends beforehand.
They will all tell you no.
And then... And just do it.
Exactly.
But be safe.
Wrap it up.
It's so funny because I've heard you give this manifesto to so many people in your life personally and to hear you give it to the world now.
She's prescribing you, our audience, our beloved audience.
No, because I want to know who you were before the situationship and who you are after the situationship.
Because some of them might not be that impactful, but I feel like everybody has one.
Yeah.
One that really changes things for you.
Yeah.
And I feel like that is just a life experience, that if you're holier than thou with situationships, you are robbing yourself of a life experience.
And maybe it's like an emotional low and that's okay.
It will happen.
And you'll be fine.
You're going to survive.
You're going to come back up.
And I'll be here to pick you back up.
Yeah.
The last time I saw mine, he dropped so many words of wisdom.
My life completely changed.
I really feel like my brain chemistry changed.
Like he taught me like, you can't wait.
He told me himself, cause I told him I was like sad that like we don't live in the same country.
And he told me like, I can't be the one that makes you happy.
You have to be the one that makes you happy.
And like, when I heard that, I was like, oh my gosh.
Oh wow, I have control over my own happiness.
And then he also told me he's like you need to live in the present, because the present is all you have.
It's just like words of wisdom.
And I'm just like dang okay yes sir, it's like things you already knew, but somehow, when he said it to you yeah, it just like knowing who he is and how he lives his life it it crystallized, it clicked for you, which is weird when that happens, something you've heard a million times over finally like went from here.
Yeah, it was clocking to you, it was clocking to you, to me Yeah, I had.
I had a youth group pastor, youth pastor when I was a teenager, and he was talking about dating and he had this like paper heart.
And he said, every single time you date, he rips the paper heart, drops it on the ground.
You give a piece of your heart away.
And he said, another boyfriend, rip, drop it on the ground, rip, drop it on the ground.
So I remember thinking like, oh, my heart is finite.
I only have this much love to give, and so I need to be protective of it.
So in my teenage years to mid-20s I wouldn't even call anyone.
I dated my boyfriend because I was like I can't give you my heart because I only have this much to give.
Paper piece will fall to the ground.
It'll just like slow mo.
Yeah, and now i'm realizing that's not true.
Love isn't finite.
Yeah you, you can pick yourself back up and regenerate like your heart will come back if you are open to it.
Love is the most powerful force in the world and it is not finite.
Yeah, and how beautiful is it to have so many people know a sliver of your love.
Yes,
Yes.
Like the love you have to give is also so beautiful.
I think like.
The one thing about situationships though, is that it always hurts more than you project.
Because you're like this is going to suck at the end, but it always hurts like a million times worse.
Yeah.
And the thing is, like every successive one, you're like, I really know, should know.
I know better.
Yeah.
You're like, last time we knew.
But I think –
Somehow, like you just have these goggles on that, like everything that you know, you don't like their side mirror.
It's like things in the mirror look closer than they appear.
Or are closer than they appear.
Yeah, it's like the reverse of that.
Yeah, yeah.
Everything you think will hurt will hurt more than it actually will.
But you're not going to believe me now, so just find out when you get there.
Exactly.
Yeah, in my head, as I'm entering one, I'm like, future me will deal with this later.
I'm really not taking care of her.
But it's fun while it lasted.
Okay, I have a question.
Did you guys ever have any situationships that surprised you?
Yeah.
A pleasant surprise.
Those are the best ones.
Which ones?
Yeah.
Yeah, which ones?
And what surprised you about it? like how exciting it was.
It was so fun.
I think it may be with that person, maybe it was just chemistry, but it was like how sounds so lame, how our personalities melded together.
That's important yeah, it's like pretty rare it is.
But then there's also been people that have been very like not worth the situationship as well.
Yeah yes, that's most of them.
Yeah yeah, so so i think it's important to note that, like i'm not saying go out and like situationship with everything.
It's like people who you think Could be fun.
Could be fun.
Are worth wasting your time.
But you also know that probably it's not going to end up together.
But you still like them.
You're still interested in them.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Because otherwise, you just have no standards.
That's not what we're going for.
Yeah.
And then you sit there and you're just like, how did I get here?
Then it's fully wasting your time.
Don't betray yourself.
The best situation of someone where, like you, could have been together in another multiverse strand of yourself.
Yeah yeah yeah, like another, another lifetime it could have maybe worked, but do you have time?
Yeah, her smile went new, similarly transformative.
I i don't know what it is, but This man has said things that I feel like I have heard a million times over and somehow it felt like he understood like three inches more deep into the ground.
And like, that's more than most other people that have known me for years knew.
So I think the most surprising ones are when the chemistry and the connection is so clear and the care feels really genuine, even though you know it's going to be a short time.
Like the care feels genuine real, instead of you're just kind of using it.
I've been in those situationships too, where i've left feeling used instead of feeling like oh, this is a really great connection and like it's beautiful for what it was.
So i either leave those situations being like.
I feel like or wow, i'm so glad that happened, but this could never be.
That must have been painful though, when it ended.
Yeah.
Because you found someone that really finally truly understood you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
It sucked.
And then no more.
Yeah.
So it's kind of like it's actually the worst, because they are evidence that what you want and what you need exists in this world.
Mm-hmm.
But you can't have it.
Yeah, we bonded over this.
Yeah, we did.
Because it happened within like a few weeks.
Ours happened.
We both had situationships that were just like completely life-changing.
They were so surprising.
And then the guys were just like beyond what we could have asked or imagined.
Yeah.
And that is why you need to have one, because then you have hope that that person exists and is better than the one that you guys met.
And then they both hopped on a plane and flew away forever.
What did we call them?
We called them our pathfinders.
Are pathfinders?
No, it's true.
No, but I still stand by it.
That is so unsexy.
He was my pathfinder.
I still stand by that.
Yeah.
But the important distinction though, which is like According to Chachapi too, emotional closeness is a part of situationship sometimes.
Physical closeness also part of it sometimes.
And the ones where it's just physical, like you gotta be really clear about that.
Otherwise you'd be feeling like shit.
They're good at those.
And just the physical then is not a situationship because then that's just a hookup, you know?
Yeah, but the hookups sometimes turn into situations just because you It's all kind of meld together.
You get breakfast the next day.
Opposed coy to a meal.
Oh, that's where my last relationship started.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So it could be... Breakfast the next day.
Breakfast the next day.
You chat.
The thing is they tell you about their family and their childhood and you're like, gosh.
Here we go.
Here we go.
I don't want to emotionally invest in you.
Yeah.
That's part of the fun.
I know.
I know.
But the ones we had, it was just, it felt so effortless.
And I compare everyone to him now.
Like.
Sorry, every, the prede, wait, prede, no, successors, whatever.
Successors.
I compare every, everyone to him now.
Yeah.
And no, just no one is, no one is as good.
Yeah.
So if you had to sum up like what you have learned from your situationships.
Overall.
Yeah, overall, what would it be?
Ooh, I don't even know the answer to that question.
That's hard.
I think it's always, It's kind of like gambling.
It's kind of like a blind box, like a la booboo, you just don't know what you're gonna get.
Yeah, it's like gambling.
It's like gambling.
You just, you don't know if you're gonna win or if you're gonna lose.
And most of the time you lose, most of the time you lose and it's like awful but it's fun, but it's.
It's fun at first.
It's fun for the first, like 10 of the timeline, and then it gets awful afterwards.
Three weeks are great yeah yeah, and then they start the masks comes off.
But i think i what i've learned is it's still always worth a shot And you never know who you're gonna meet.
You never know what you're gonna learn.
And like, believe it or not, men can teach you things that are valuable.
Some of them might have wisdom that's quite valuable.
Yeah, some of them have lived very different lives and they can offer you wisdom from that point of view and it's like really cool.
Or they might see you in the way that you need to be seen in that stage of your life and just heal that part of you and then you move on.
They're just like little magic fairies that become trolls and then they run away.
This is all just a simulation.
It's just an accelerated program.
I'd recommend it.
I'd recommend it for the people who aren't faint of heart.
If you truly are looking for someone to spend the rest of your life with and you don't want to waste your time, I wouldn't recommend it.
I actually think it's more important for the people that are rigid, because they are really the ones that need to flex their mind a little bit and stretch it a little bit.
You don't need to live your life that way.
That's not what I'm saying, but you just need to have an experience that you would not have otherwise, so you can draw from it, so you can be like.
I know what that's like.
I did this thing and I really hated it, you know?
Yeah.
I feel like it's really helpful for figuring out like your aptitude for emotional volatility.
Wow.
Like that is the most valuable, which is like an important dimension to know in yourself.
Yeah.
Because you know the next time you are entering in a state of emotional volatility, even if you're choosing it, You're like, I know how I will react.
I know how I process.
I know how I will heal.
But if you never know, then I think that's when it's more daunting, more dangerous.
And you either like barrel down the highway at 125 miles per hour and crash, or you just never enter the like, you never leave the garage.
And either one of those two things is also- I would purport that life is emotionally volatile, as is.
So even if you try to avoid it in all other areas of your life, you won't be able to.
So you might as well just have some fun.
Because like – Get some practice.
Get some reps in.
If it's not this thing that's going to fuck you up, it's going to be something else.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
And maybe it's going to be a lot worse.
Like maybe someone – maybe you'll lose someone or like maybe – I don't know.
I don't want to go there because it's really sad.
But, like I think that life will always be emotionally volatile and therefore – sign up for another activity.
Yeah.
And I feel like, even if you do engage with the negatives, like the red flags, you're able to catch them much quicker the next time.
You have clarity.
You have more clarity.
You're like oh my gosh, I didn't notice this before, but now you're able to clock it much easier.
If someone's trying to mask it, you can catch it a little like the ego if they just like mention something in passing.
And you're like, I've seen this before.
Uh-oh.
I think...
The way that I've approached situationships when I was younger versus now is like probably so would be so different, because I think younger out anybody you're like okay, sure.
Now you have intuition to know.
This one's not worth it.
He's not worth the pain at the end.
Versus this one, worth it.
Break my heart.
So you're saying you do have standards for your situationships?
Yeah, but yeah, I guess there's only one way to know.
Would you agree?
Yeah, of course.
Okay.
You could have standards for everything in life.
What?
Have standards for the person you're not going to commit to.
Absolutely.
You should be excited.
Yeah, yeah.
You should admire them, I think.
And also knowing when to get out.
No, that's the hardest part.
Actually.
How do you know?
And do you start the conversation?
Because it's probably already really good.
You're coasting along.
It feels good.
And then you hit a point where you're like, oh, this feels a little too good.
This is concerning.
Should I bring it up now?
Or should I just ride the wave?
How do you guys usually get out of situationships?
It's really bad.
I used to wait for them to mess up really bad for me to be like, I got to leave.
That was really bad.
You're forcing me out.
So you wait longer than you think.
Yeah.
I wait for them to mess up so it's their fault.
Cause I don't want accountability.
Like, I don't want to have that conversation myself.
Cause, like I'm just, I'm too scared to be like, I'm too scared to take the accountability of, like you know, I don't want this anymore.
It's been good.
I just kind of wait for them to do the bad thing.
And I'm like, oh, you did this.
I can't believe you.
I gotta go.
She literally does that.
Yeah.
It's bad.
It's just sitting there waiting.
Yeah, it's not good.
I need to be brave and respectful.
But also, you wouldn't have the gall to do that in a relationship.
Yeah.
Because you're like, I got to work through this.
Exactly.
It's the easy way out.
Yeah.
I did it for the first time. last year, so that was good.
I was like, we shouldn't talk anymore.
And he's like, please, no, I'm sorry.
I'm like, no, I will not take sorry's block.
Oh, it felt so empowering.
And after that, it just kept getting easier.
You just gotta do it the first time.
So how do you get out?
Well, let's see.
I've walked away.
I've been fucked over.
It's just not been fun anymore.
It runs the gamut.
It's usually something bad happens too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Usually you see a side of them that they show that you're just all of a sudden.
Yeah.
That comes out at like three, a couple weeks.
And then they show this side and you're like, And you call it out, you smear it all over their faces.
And they usually handle it poorly when you call it out to them and then you're like, ah.
Yeah.
I've always admired you for doing that.
Yeah.
Thanks.
I was like, I wish I could do that to a guy.
I do not take the BS.
She does not.
She does not.
No.
Jay says in fear.
The first time I heard that she called out a guy, I was like, I would never call out a guy.
And I was like, wow, you're so brave.
Yeah, that's the one I think about.
You laid down the law.
And at the end of it, he agreed.
And I was like, how did she do that?
He deserved that.
Yeah, he did.
I have no sympathy for him.
He deserved it.
None.
So what happens when you actually fall in love with them?
That's usually how most of mine end.
Fall in love. you've realized this is not gonna work.
And then usually you can tell that they're also like, I don't think it's going to work.
There's a moment when the magic stops.
Yeah.
Like there's a crack in the magic.
There is.
And then you're like, okay, the end is near.
Yeah.
It's like 11.59 p.m.
Yes.
And it's like, will I stay to 12.01 when I know it's going to be sour or will I leave now?
Yes.
Oh, leave when it's high.
It's like, you said you would take me on a date the past four times.
No date to be had.
I don't think it's going to work.
Therefore, note the dates in the rapid fire.
Yeah, actually, that's why.
When you start seeing their true colors, coupled with your own toxic response, and then it just starts like melding together into this really gross, nasty thing.
That's when you're like oh, this isn't fun anymore.
That's the exact feeling.
You're lying there in the dark being like.
But like how long will you withstand that before you finally leave?
Yeah.
Cause like one time, okay, fine.
Two times.
Okay.
Three, four times.
That's when you're like, you know, I don't know.
Maybe, maybe I should leave.
I think it's important because, like I mean, you could argue it's bad but like, seeing how toxic you can be and how bad you can be like is really important because, like I mean, It's not to say, do it on someone else and not the real person you love.
Kind of, yeah.
It's a good way to find out, because you're going to probably more likely be in a toxic.
Well, let's hope anyways.
In an ideal situation, which I know, this is not how the world is.
When you're looking for a life partner.
Hopefully you're looking for the least toxic of concentrations.
Yeah, someone that works well with you.
You're going to let more fly in a situation, Chip.
And so, as a result, your toxicities are going to play a lot more frequently and probably a lot deeper and far-reaching, because you don't have to work through stuff.
And so, like i have come out like kind of terrified of myself because i'm i'm like, oh my god, you are so ugly, you did that like you broke down that person so bad because of your pride.
Who do you think you are?
Like, why do you think you have the agency to do that?
Because you're playing in the name of like a situation ship?
That's fucked up, you know?
But like, I guess the alternative is doing that to a relationship.
And you could argue that it's like through the highs and the lows, you make it through.
But sometimes, if that's someone that you really care about, sometimes you can't recover from those things.
And I would also say that you can make anything work if you want to.
I don't know, like that person, that you are spending your life with your life partner like.
Hopefully does not bring that side out of you too.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But if they do, you know what to do with it.
Like you now have the tools to know how to like reel yourself back.
To be like, you're not going to do that to me.
Either that or I'm not gonna do that to you.
The thing that's interesting about like situationship as a term is that it is so broad.
Like there's situations that, situationships that are really toxic.
There are ones that change your lives and transform you and everything in between.
So it's kind of like a salad bar.
Like you just gotta like curate your situationships well.
Put the crispies on it because you figured out you like the crispies and don't put the beets on it if you don't want like it to all look like purple.
No gluten if you're celiac.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But like knowing how to create the best situation for you.
And no one to walk away from the ones that are like going to kind of fuck you up a little bit.
Yeah, create more like confirming narratives that you already have, that you know are unhealthy, versus actually opening up to new narratives around men or yourself or whatever your relationship, that are better and like expand.
Yeah.
I think like another muscle that probably isn't talked about enough is knowing when to walk away.
And this is like another way you can get those reps because, like there's just so much, there's such a heavy cost for staying in things that are serious relationships and wasting away in I don't know years of your life or losing yourself.
And sometimes like if you had known how to walk away, knowing you had the strength to do it the first time.
You could do it one more time.
It's the ultimate act of self-love.
And that's how we have diluted ourselves and you.
No honestly, I feel like emotional unavailability can be a power, because if you are just giving your heart to every single person that comes by, they might not know how to handle it, deserve it or deserve it.
So knowing, knowing like oh, i don't want to give my heart to this person, like they can't handle it, and and also knowing how to withhold if they're trying to take it from you yeah, because people will do that Yeah.
Yeah.
And it could end up extremely detrimental to you.
So knowing when to say no, knowing when to say goodbye after day one, after day two, could be the ultimate act of self-love.
You had your fun, now you gotta go.
But also on the flip side of that, if you're already emotionally unavailable, continuing to confirm and practice being emotionally unavailable.
No, yeah, maybe not.
Don't do that.
Don't do that.
Don't like use people, but well, there is a limit.
There is a limit.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So this is our hot take.
Our hot take is that you need a situationship.
And if you agree or disagree, please fight us in the comments below.
We would love to fight you.
Let us know your opinions in the comments.
Have you been in a situationship?
What was it like?
When did it end?
Why did it end?
How did you walk away?
How did it change your life?
Yeah.
Your best situationship, your most magical one.
And then also.
And also which one made you make a tissue pyramid?
All of them.
You can find us on youtube and instagram at the hot pursuit pod.
We are streaming wherever you get your podcast, so make sure you hit subscribe, follow.
We love to engage with you, so please leave a comment and we drop new episodes every tuesday.
Can't wait to see you next week.
All right, all right.
Hot pursuit.
