Hello and welcome to, or welcome back to, trying not to care.
I hate to say this out loud and give any attention to it, but i am sick again.
I'm sick again.
If you keep up with trying not to care, you're probably like what's going on with this girl?
How is she always sick?
Because i feel like every couple episodes i'm like hey guys, i'm sick again.
I was sick on halloween, So how is it even possible?
I don't know.
I'm a healthy person.
I'm a clean person.
I wash my hands.
I really think it's because I am a hermit and I don't go out.
So when I do go out and I do anything in the world, I pick up any and every sickness there is.
I might be sick, but I'm still good to sit down and talk with my girls.
So happy December.
I'm so excited that it's finally December.
December is one of my favorite months.
I hope you had a good Thanksgiving.
I hope you're ready and festive for the month of December.
My last few episodes have been holiday related and my next few episodes after this are going to be kind of holiday related, so I wanted to give you a self-improvement type of episode before we get back into that.
I love being festive, but this was on my mind and I wanted to talk about it.
With the year coming to a close, a lot of us are reflecting on the past year and what we've completed, on our new year's resolutions and our goals, and there's some people that are going to look back at the past year and realize they aren't who they thought they'd be right now and They might be disappointed with the lack of progress that they've made this year, which is a real thing.
And I've been there.
It's very normal.
That's why a lot of people don't make New Year's resolutions, because they don't want to let themselves down.
But a big part of changing is being honest with yourself and not only wanting to do the work, but actually doing the work and making positive changes.
So many people want to grow and be better, but...
It feels like no matter how hard they try, they just can't.
They end up in the same situations and their life doesn't change in the way that they would like it to.
So today we're going to talk about why you know better, but you still don't do better.
Why you aren't learning from your mistakes or your lessons and you're not getting your desired outcome.
This can be anything that you want to work on.
This could be you wanting to grow as a person, or be a better friend, or be a better partner, or be more successful in your career or, you know, just like stepping out of your comfort zone.
Anything that you want to do and that's your goal, that you feel as though, no matter what you do, you're just not reaching it.
So we're going to talk about the things that you're doing to stop this from happening and we're just going to get really real and really honest.
So let's get into the episode.
The first thing that you may be doing is knowing what your problem is, but not taking action to actually solve the problem.
You might know what you want to fix, or how you want to be, or how you want your life to look, but you're not taking any of the necessary steps to bring any of that into fruition.
I think a lot of people feel motivated and productive when they're able to sit down and identify what they want to change or what they don't like about their life or how they want their life to look.
And they like to sit down and make a list of things they want to work on.
For example, New Year's resolutions.
It feels good for them to take action in that way and be like okay well, I'm going to make a change and I'm going to make my life better and I'm going to become a better person.
You feel like you're doing everything right and you are.
But you're only at the beginning stage.
You still need to follow through with all these things that you want to work on.
The issue that a lot of people have is they only do step one and they stop there.
They're aware of their problems, but they don't fix their problems.
And the thing that you need to understand is awareness doesn't equal change.
It's only the first step to making a change.
You can name the issue and know what needs to be done to fix the problem.
For example, I procrastinate, so I'm going to lower my screen time and I'm going to make a to-do list.
But if you don't do the work and actually follow through with these things that you say you're going to do, the behavior is not going to change and you're not going to stop procrastinating.
You can't expect a different outcome but not change the behavior entirely.
The reason that it's difficult to change the behavior, even though you know what you need to change is.
It takes a lot of motivation, it takes a lot of energy and it takes discipline to change a habit.
It's also just uncomfortable.
Like you are accustomed to your everyday routine.
A lot of how you act and how you think is just who you are.
It's your baseline and what's your normal.
With that being said, people don't fix their problems and they don't become who they want to be because they don't change their behavior.
They keep the same habits, they keep the same boundaries, and they keep the same responses.
Let's say that you consistently surround yourself with people who don't treat you right and you've had trouble standing up for yourself and condemning their behavior.
So you decide that a goal of yours now is is to only surround yourself with friends who treat you right.
And you say I'm only going to surround myself with people who respect me and love me and care for me.
But then a friend of yours does you very dirty.
The thing to do that would align with your goal of only surrounding yourself with people who treat you right would be to either walk away from that friendship or to have some consequence in place for that person mistreating you.
But instead of making the change and changing the way that you typically respond, you respond the same exact way.
You forgive them.
There's no consequences And nothing changes.
Because you're not changing the way that you respond and your boundaries are not changing.
The result is going to be the same.
You're going to continue to surround yourself with people who do not treat you right.
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Another example would be wanting to be more confident but then continuously talking bad about yourself.
You might know that you need to stop talking badly about yourself, but if you keep that same habit, nothing's going to change.
You need to consciously make the choice to speak kindly to yourself.
You need to intercept yourself when you catch yourself saying something not so nice to yourself or you think something not so nice about yourself.
You need to make the choice to be like, no, I'm not stupid.
I'm trying my best and I'm doing enough.
A different outcome requires different choices, even small ones.
In order to change your behaviors, you need to actually take action to make a difference.
The second thing that you may be doing is repeating patterns that you haven't identified yet.
The first thing that we just talked about is you have the awareness, you're just not taking action.
This is you're lacking the awareness.
Have you ever met someone who seems to always have something going on with them?
They seem to always run into an issue, but it's never their issue.
They refuse to take any accountability or look at what they might be doing wrong or what they maybe could do better to them.
It's just like the world's against them.
But when you hear them talk about it, you're like, well, maybe you could change this or try this.
It's easier to solve a problem on the outside because when it's you, It can be uncomfortable to look at yourself in a bad light and admit that there's things that you're doing that are contributing to your problems.
But the thing is, you can't change what you're unaware of.
So if you want to change your current situation or you want to have a more successful, happier life, but you're unwilling to look at things that you're doing right now that are negatively impacting the outcome, it's never going to actually happen for you.
You can blame all the outside forces.
You can blame all these other people.
But until you're able to look at yourself and ask yourself what am I doing that's standing in the way of me becoming the person I want to be, or that's standing in the way of me living the way that I want to live, nothing is going to change.
For example, a goal of yours might be to be more likable.
You look at highly spoken about people, people who are just charming, and you're like I want to be that person.
I want, when people leave me, for them to feel good about themselves, and I want them to only speak positive about me.
You have an idea of who you want to be, but you're not even sure of who you are right now, because you're not being honest with yourself and taking a look at your current behaviors.
You want people to think of you as a positive person, but you're not taking note of the fact that right now, You're not a positive person.
You speak very negatively.
You gossip about other people and you bring the mood down.
That behavior does not align with the person that you want to be.
In order to become the person that you want to be, you need to be aware of who you are now and make the necessary changes.
Start speaking kindly about other people.
Make it a goal to not complain for a whole day, a whole week.
Be uplifting.
Be encouraging.
Be someone. that people would actually enjoy being around.
It's not just gonna happen overnight.
You actually have to do the work.
Being able to identify your negative patterns, like speaking negatively or gossiping, is really difficult for a lot of people, because one they don't even realize they're doing it.
It's just become a part of who they are.
It's like breathing.
They talk to someone and it's word vomit.
They can't help but behave in that way.
But two it takes being able to accept accountability, which a lot of people unfortunately, are unable to do.
People turn a blind eye to their mistakes or their imperfections because it's hard to admit that they are not a perfect person or that They're falling short in some aspect of their life.
It's very hard for a lot of people to admit that there's something about them that they need to change.
Admitting that they aren't the best at something, or they made a mistake or they hurt someone, feels like a personal attack.
So instead of looking at the issue and trying to fix it, they just avoid it.
Not being real with yourself and not being able to accept responsibility is is hindering your growth.
Yes, it feels uncomfortable and it can make you feel bad about yourself at first to admit that you made a mistake or that you were wrong, but in the long run it will help you succeed.
I see a lot of people in the social media space talk about how the reason they're not growing online and the reason their videos aren't going viral is because of the algorithm or because they're shadow banned or because of these other factors that are stopping people from engaging with their content.
Which can be true, but something that a lot of people refuse to do is actually take a look at what they're doing and what's not working for them.
People want to jump to.
This isn't working because of other people or because of other things instead of.
What can I change?
What can I do? to make my content more appealing?
Am I not starting with a hook?
Am I using too many filters?
Am I not filming in good lighting?
Are my videos too selfish and don't provide value?
Again, it feels uncomfortable and it feels wrong to look at yourself in this way, because it feels like you're blaming yourself.
You're pointing out all these things that are wrong with you.
It feels like you're being mean to yourself.
But criticizing yourself in a productive way isn't self-hate.
It's actually self-love, because you're being honest even when it hurts, in hopes of making a positive change.
Not sugarcoating things and being truly honest.
Being upfront with yourself is a part of real love, just the same way that you wouldn't want your significant other to lie to you just to make you feel better.
When you're able to be self-aware and be honest with yourself.
That's when you're able to make the correct changes to get what you want.
So going back to the example of wanting to be successful online instead of blaming things like an algorithm, shifting your focus to things that you can actually control, aka your behavior, is going to lead to more success and more growth.
That's when you're going to see the numbers increase and to see all of that engagement that you actually want.
The third thing that you may be doing is ignoring the lessons.
This goes back to when I was talking about having friends who treat you poorly but then not enforcing any consequences for their behavior.
Things like that are difficult to navigate and they're hurtful, but there's also a lesson in them.
And if you don't pay attention, there's a good chance you're going to find yourself in the same situation, dealing with the same problems over and over.
When I was in high school, I had dated two of almost the same exact guy.
And by that, I mean the relationships were so similar and both so toxic.
Both guys had cheated on me.
They would call me names.
They'd speak down to me.
The relationship was always on their terms.
And they just really put me through the wringer.
And the reason that I had allowed myself to get into that second relationship and stay in that second relationship, even though that guy had displayed the same red flags as my first relationship and treated me the same way that that ex did, was because I did not learn my lesson from that first relationship.
Obviously hindsight's 20-20 and I was so young.
I was so naive.
Like I don't blame myself for how I reacted.
And I know that I did not deserve how he treated me and no one deserves to be treated the way he treated me.
But I ignored the lesson in that relationship.
That relationship and how that guy treated me was a clear depiction of the love that I did not deserve and the way that I did not want to be treated in the future.
When I had gotten out of that first relationship I could have looked at the damage that that guy had caused and thought you know what happened was horrendous.
But I'm never going to allow someone to treat me like that again.
I'm never going to allow someone to make me feel like I'm unworthy just because they don't want me.
But instead of doing that, I just got into another relationship and I was like okay, this guy's kind of treating me the way that my ex did, but I like him.
And I want to be with him.
So I'm just going to ignore everything that just happened and get into it again.
I wish.
Before getting into that second relationship, or when I saw the red flags in that second relationship, I just stopped and asked myself am I getting myself into something that I worked so hard to get out of in my last relationship?
Am I getting into just another toxic relationship with someone who does not respect me and does not love me the way that I love them?
I want to be clear that just because something bad happens to you doesn't mean that you're deserving of it.
Like those relationships for example I did not deserve to be treated that way.
But I can't change what happened to me.
I can only learn from it to hopefully avoid that from happening again.
Some things are out of our control.
Some things do just happen and you can't take the blame for that.
But there are things in our life that happen to us or that we do to ourselves or that we play a part in.
That will teach us a lesson that helps us in the long run, as long as we don't turn away from them.
The reason that it's easier now to look back at myself when I was in high school and confidently say that I made a mistake or I should have done things differently, is because I'm not emotionally attached the way that I was then.
Or when I look back at a situation like a friendship breakup and now I think like I shouldn't have begged for their attention.
I shouldn't have apologized.
I should have walked away because now I'm looking at that situation with logic rather than emotion.
In the moment, it's harder to make the right decision or stick up for yourself or say how you feel, because all you want is things to work out.
All you want is validation and love and companionship.
The right thing to do in that situation isn't the thing that feels good right away.
Walking away from someone who you want things to work out with doesn't feel right even when it is.
So you turn a blind eye and no one's held accountable and nothing changes.
This episode is sponsored by Uncommon Goods.
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We're all out of the ordinary.
Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome.
It's like putting your hand on a hot stove and burning your hand, taking it off and then putting it back on again, thinking that you're not going to get burnt.
It's gonna keep happening until you turn the stove off and wait for it to cool down.
Unfortunately, a lot of people will risk burning their hand in hopes that there is a chance that the outcome is different.
A lot of people will risk heartbreak in hopes that this person is gonna change and they're gonna treat them right.
Eventually, you have to ask yourself if I keep doing this thing and I keep getting burnt, Why do I think the outcome is going to be different?
Why do I think I'm not going to get burned?
What gave me that impression?
If nothing changes in the dynamic, the outcome will not change either.
If you want to change something, it's important that you ask yourself, how does this make me feel?
You know, is this what I actually want or am I just attached to this person or thing?
Why did this happen?
Did I play a part in this happening?
Does this align with who I want to be and am I able to change the outcome, or do I need to remove myself from the situation?
Using these questions, I'm going to give one last example for this.
I'm going to use a friendship breakup.
Let's say that your friends have been going behind your back and hanging out with you and you're feeling really upset because they're excluding you.
Instead of begging them to invite you or trying to make yourself seem more appealing for them to invite you, which are both things that I've done in the past ask yourself these questions and answer these questions honestly.
How does this make me feel?
This makes me feel unwanted.
This makes me feel lonely.
This makes me feel left out.
Are these kinds of friends that I want?
No, I just have been friends with them forever.
So that's all I know.
Why did this happen?
Did I play a part in this happening?
No, I have no control over whether they want to invite me or not.
Does this align with who I want to be?
No, I want to be surrounded by people who don't make me question whether we're friends.
I want friends who are excited to spend time with me.
I want friends who I feel safe around.
I want friends who I have fun with.
Am I able to change the outcome or do I need to remove myself from the situation?
I can't change the outcome because I've already expressed how I feel and they continuously leave me out.
So if I want friends who include me and want to be around me, I need to let go of these friends to make room for friends who fit better what I'm looking for.
Asking yourself these questions is going to help you get to the core of the problem and help you shift your focus away from what's not working or what's not healthy.
It's a way to break out of those toxic patterns or an unhealthy attachment to something or someone and put you on a path of success to live the life that you actually want to live.
So you stop making the same mistakes over and over.
And then lastly, for this episode, the fourth thing that you might be doing, which has led you to not learning from your mistakes, is finding comfort in being a victim.
Like I said before, accountability is a very hard thing for people to take.
It's very hard for people to throw their hands up and say, you know, I fucked up.
I messed up.
I made a mistake.
I'm wrong because it's uncomfortable.
There's a sense of shame and guilt and even embarrassment.
And it's hard to be okay with potentially being the villain in someone else's story.
Although it sucks to be done dirty, it sometimes feels better to be the one being done dirty and to take on the role of the victim.
The issue is when you take on the role of the victim.
But it's not your role to take on and you're playing the victim to protect your own self-esteem and to avoid accountability and to avoid having to change.
If the problem in your eyes, you know, is someone else's fault, someone else did it you can say well, It's out of my hands.
Like I didn't do anything wrong.
I don't have to confront my issues.
It was them, not me.
But what if it is you?
What if it is you and you're just misplacing the blame onto someone else?
Now you're not taking any accountability and no accountability means no change.
Something that's very common right now is people saying I'm protecting my peace, which you should do.
You should protect your peace.
You should protect your energy.
But people are using that as a way to avoid having difficult conversations, to avoid conflict and anything that's uncomfortable.
They see discomfort and they say, oh, I'm not dealing with that.
I'm protecting my peace.
They have a fallout with a friend and that friend's trying to communicate how they feel and how this person hurt them.
And instead of hearing them out and having a conversation, or even maybe taking responsibility for the part they played in the conflict, they go.
I'm not having this conversation.
It's all too much for me.
I don't want to waste my energy on this.
I'm protecting my peace.
I don't owe you a conversation.
And they think they're valid in the way that they're responding, because in their mind they're like well, I'm protecting my peace.
Self-care isn't selfish.
Owning the fact that you hurt someone's feelings or you weren't the best friend or you weren't the best partner is really hard.
It's really uncomfortable to admit that you made a mistake.
So instead of owning that and trying to make things right, they just dodge accountability and they play the victim, because being a victim feels wrong better on your ego.
Comfortability leads people to choose avoidance over growth.
I think one of the biggest takeaways from today's episode is if you want to grow, if you want to become the person that you want to be, the decisions that you make at first are going to be uncomfortable.
Change is never going to feel solely good at first.
It's very complex and more times than not, It's going to be paired with anxiety or uncertainty or sadness.
But just because you feel that way doesn't mean it's a bad thing.
It just means that you're growing.
Some of our hardest decisions are our best decisions.
The hard decisions are the ones that make a lasting impact on us.
So when it comes to taking accountability and being able to look at yourself and say, I messed up.
I was a bad friend.
I got mad and I overreacted and I yelled at my boyfriend, or I cheated on that test, or I wasn't honest with that person.
Whatever it is, owning up to your mistakes is going to feel like you're dying because your ego is being threatened.
But being honest and allowing yourself to be the villain if that's how someone wants to cast you is how you learn and grow, so that way in the future you won't make those same mistakes again.
Being able to pinpoint what you don't like about yourself, or what you did wrong or what you need to improve on, is how you actually improve.
One of the biggest lessons that I've learned is that mistakes are just feedback.
It doesn't necessarily mean failure.
It's really what you do with it.
It's what you take away from those lessons.
Growth requires honesty.
It requires being able to identify your negative habits and patterns and pieces of your life that need improvement.
And it requires discipline, not only calling out where you fall short, but making those necessary changes, even when it feels uncomfortable or even when it feels like your life's being threatened, which I know sounds dramatic, but that's how it can feel when you take accountability or when you own up to not being perfect.
I want to end today's episode with a few journal prompts, but first I want you to write down the questions I just gave you before, which were how does this make me feel?
Why did this happen?
Did I play a part in this happening?
Does this align with who I want to be, and am I able to change the outcome?
Or do I need to remove myself from the situation?
And then I also want you to write down, or just ask yourself, what's one pattern I've been repeating that I haven't named yet, and What is it.
And is it negatively impacting me or my goals?
And then are my actions aligned with my goals?
What are three things I can do right now to change my behavior and make a change?
I hope you enjoyed today's episode.
If you did, make sure to rate it on Spotify and Apple.
That really does help me out.
And if you're not already, make sure to follow me on social media.
I post a lot on the podcast, Instagram and TikTok.
I also post a lot on my personal social media.
All of those are in the show notes, as always.
Thank you so much for hanging out with me.
I hope that you have a good rest of your december, or whenever you're listening to this.
I hope you're just having a good time.
I love you and i will talk to you next monday bye.
