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So now on to our topic no.
In negotiation, we always focus on yes.
Think of the most popular negotiation book.
It's called Getting to Yes.
But the thing is, no is an important part of negotiation.
And no is an important part of life in general.
And so today you will discover why saying no can be so hard.
Why Warren Buffett believes in the power of no as an essential part of why his business is so successful, and how we can say no to people in a way that actually strengthens the relationship.
Have you ever had that experience where you find yourself doing something that you really didn't want to do?
For example, taking on a job you didn't want to do, or working with a client that you knew would be an issue, or more relevant to negotiation, saying yes to a deal that wasn't in your best interest.
So you end up just sitting there asking yourself, geez, how did I end up here?
I knew this was coming.
Why did I say yes?
So we've all been there.
It's an awful feeling.
And this unease that we feel at this time is called cognitive dissonance.
It occurs when we find that our actions and our beliefs don't match up.
In negotiation, we focus so much on getting to yes that we forget that there are times when no is actually the right answer for you.
So why is saying no so hard?
It's only two letters.
It's really simple to say.
But why do we struggle with it so much?
Before we get into that, think about this.
When we first learn to speak, like when we're two years old, what's our favorite word?
It's no.
If our parents ask us, are you ready for bedtime?
No.
Please eat your veggies.
No.
We knew what we wanted and we knew what we didn't want.
And we were able to clearly articulate this to whoever it was that we were talking to without fear.
So between then and now, what has changed?
So this inability to say no stems from the same thinking that prevents us from asking for what we really want.
We are afraid of offending people.
This belief is rooted in our perceptions of other people's perceptions about us.
So to break that down even in simpler terms, we're scared of what we think they think about us.
So that uneasy feeling that I talked about earlier.
This comes from the fact that we are torn between exercising our authority to do what's best for us and saying whatever it takes to maintain the relationship with the other side.
We think of it as an us versus them scenario.
I have a choice between doing what's right for you the person asking me and what's doing what's right for me.
And this is an awful place to be.
But it's a false dichotomy.
You don't need to choose between those two.
You could have it both ways.
But when you have this mindset, it causes you to choose between one of three equally bad things.
The first strategy I'll call the doormat technique.
So this is when we say yes, even when we don't want to.
You do this to create surface level peace.
And so what typically ends up happening is that you say yes to something that you don't want to do.
And then you do that thing and you do it poorly and with a bad attitude.
And then the person that you accommodated with the weak yes is upset because, because you did a bad job.
And then they end up questioning the relationship.
They think, how can Kwame do something like this?
I thought he was good at this.
Can't he do better?
Is he doing it because of me?
Does he not respect me?
Is this sabotage?
And so this is what's going through the mind of the person who asked you to do that thing you wanted to say no to.
So in effect, You saying yes results in the same thing that you were afraid of in the first place.
You end up hurting the person's feelings and damaging the relationship.
So yeah, doormat technique does not work.
Technique number two, the ugly no.
So here, no again is the right answer, but it is delivered indelicately.
So you say no in a way that actually hurts the relationship more.
Right when you say no.
So your friend asks, would you like to volunteer on Saturday in the park?
We're planning on planting trees and we'd like you and your company to participate.
And you respond by looking dead in his eyes and say, no, thanks.
And that's it.
Nothing else.
And so in their mind, they're like, no, just no.
I'm here trying to create more oxygen for selfish people like you, and all you say to me is no?
And in this example, this is what I'd call a naked no.
You need to dress that no up a little bit and make it look presentable.
You can't just leave it out there, out exposed to the elements like that.
A naked no is vulnerable to attack and misinterpretation.
So here, you gave the right answer, which is no.
But you delivered it in a way that still damaged the relationship.
Which was probably what you were afraid of doing in the first place.
So yeah, there are many versions of the ugly no.
But I'll just give this example of the naked no.
So...
This is the last technique I'll call the running person technique.
And so this is in the spirit of the current internet craze, the running man challenge.
So we'll name this one the running person technique.
And we are going to name it the running person technique, not the running man technique, because we're inclusive on this podcast.
So this is what the running person technique is.
It's where you're asked a question and you want to say no, and you respond by essentially running away from having to say no.
So we run from the question and hide behind words or phrases like maybe, or let me get back to you, or let me ask blah blah, blah.
We don't say yes, we don't say no, we end up saying nothing.
And the person is just left there wondering where you stand.
It's really frustrating for the person who is asking you the question and it It really sucks for you, because now you're on the run.
You're trying to avoid people and that is never a good place to be.
It creates a lot of unnecessary stress for you and the other person.
Which, again, ends up putting strain on the relationship.
And so what you'll see in all three of these scenarios, the relationship is damaged.
And the reason you employed these strategies is because you were afraid of damaging the relationship.
So my friends, I am here to tell you that there is a solution to the problem of saying no.
And here's the key.
So whenever you say no to somebody, it needs to be rooted in a yes.
So think about it.
Why do we say no?
It's not only because we don't want something. or we don't want to do something.
It's also because we have another option that we want more, and saying yes to that option is better than saying yes to the option that is currently presented to you.
So let's use the previous example where your friend asks you and your employees to go plant trees.
So what was the yes behind your no?
You might have been saying yes to your family or yes to time to rest and recuperate from a really long week.
In negotiations, we are always going to be presented with options that don't work for us.
And these options won't work for us for a number of reasons.
And so, behind every one of those reasons for rejection, try and find what you are saying yes to, and it will add a lot of strength to your no.
Think about it this way.
Every time we say yes to something, there is an infinite amount, amount of other things that we could possibly be doing that we need to say no to in order to say yes to that thing that we really want to do.
So, going back to that park example, if spending time with your family on Saturday is what you want to do with your time, there are millions of other activities that could be vying for your time and attention that you need to reject in order to spend time with your family.
One of the biggest mistakes you can make when saying no is focusing on the negative and not the positive.
It makes delivering the no a lot more difficult.
So how do we say no without jeopardizing the relationship?
We use a no sandwich.
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And you're probably familiar with a sandwich style technique for giving criticism.
And so these techniques utilized in psychology was known as the primacy and recency effect.
So if you're asked to remember a list of words, you're most likely to remember the words at the very beginning of the list and the very end.
Obviously, the primacy effect refers to your ability to remember the first few words and recency effects refers to your ability to remember the last few words.
So the sandwich techniques play on this by sandwiching something negative between two things that are positive.
And so the people are really going to remember the positives more than the negatives.
And it leaves them with a better feeling, even though you delivered bad news.
So what are the ingredients to a no sandwich?
So like I said before, start positive.
So you start with a yes.
So what is it that you want to say yes to?
And then you say no to whatever is threatening the aforementioned yes.
And then you end with a yes to the continued relationship with the person that you're talking to.
And if this is a negotiation, you finish this off with a yes to continuing the discussion or the negotiation.
And this would be also when you counter, right?
Like, okay, that won't work for me, but here's another option for you.
This technique allows you to say yes to the person and no to their substantive request.
So it's critically important for you to do two things when you use this technique.
Stick to the incontrovertible facts and avoid the word you whenever possible.
And focus on using the word I when using this technique.
So this is all about eliminating room for argument.
The same thing happens when you stick to agreed upon facts.
There's nothing more to discuss.
You simply need to address the facts without adding any kind of value judgment to it.
Similarly, there is little room for discussion if you focus on your opinions, perceptions and needs.
You can't really negotiate personal preference.
So when it comes to delivering your no, it needs to be clear, unapologetic, and concise.
State your no in a matter-of-fact tone.
Just Just think of it like it's another fact that you're delivering.
It's like, oh yeah, the sun came up today.
That's kind of how smoothly your no should come off.
When you hesitate and kind of dance around the no, it just makes it so much worse and so much more awkward for everybody.
So what does this look like in real life?
Remember, in addition to having this negotiation consulting firm, I still work as a lawyer and have a lot of small business clients.
So sometimes people would ask me to do legal work that I can do but I'm just not interested in doing.
So here's an example.
Let's say a client comes to me in tears and he says, I'm getting a divorce.
Can you represent me?
And in my mind, I'm screaming, no way, no, no, no.
No, no.
I just don't want to be that kind of lawyer who has tissues strategically placed around my office.
But I don't want to hurt my client.
I don't want to damage the relationship.
I know he needs me right now and I want to be there for him, but I can't do it.
Just can't do family law.
So this is what my no sandwich would look like.
Wow, I'm really sorry to hear that, Mr. Client.
I've really enjoyed working with you and helping you with your business law needs.
I love entrepreneurship and business, and that's kind of where I want to stay.
That's my wheelhouse.
So because of that, unfortunately, I can't help you with this situation.
However, I want to be clear that I want to keep working with you on your business law matters and I'll put you in touch with one of my friends that does family law.
You'll be in good hands, and let me know how else I can support you as you go through this.
So what effect does this have?
So for me, saying no in this situation, here are the benefits.
I don't get stuck doing work that I am just not interested in doing, and I'm still able to maintain a strong relationship with my client.
In fact, the relationship may have gotten stronger because I was still able to create value for him, even though it's not me doing the substantive legal work.
So what are the benefits for him?
He clearly knows where I stand and he'll be put in contact with somebody who could actually help with his situation.
So let's not underestimate the value of clarity for the other side.
Think about the times when you were on the other side of the running person technique.
You were left sitting there thinking, why didn't you just spare me the drama and say no up front?
Now you've wasted my time, and frankly, you've wasted your time running away.
The beauty of the no sandwich is that it allows the other person to have a clearer understanding of the situation.
If you're wishy-washy, they may continue to pursue a yes, because they simply don't understand that what you're saying is a no.
You're actually doing them a favor by being so clear.
They need you to be clear so they can stop wasting their own time.
So let's talk about Warren Buffett.
For those of you that don't know Warren Buffett, he is incredibly rich and incredibly successful as a business person worth a few billion dollars.
And he believes that the ability to say no was one of the most powerful tools in his business toolbox.
He said that the difference between successful people and really successful people is that really successful people say no to almost everything.
And this allows him to focus on things that are more important to him without distractions.
So in other words, saying no makes your yeses more powerful.
So the strength of your no depends on the strength of your first yes.
So your first yes is essentially your way to assert your values.
It answers the question, what is most important? important to me in this situation.
And the reason I emphasize the word most here is because sometimes the reason that saying no is so hard is because we end up in a situation where we need to choose between two really good options.
It's between choosing, you're in a situation where you need to choose between better or best.
So Let's go back to the tree example.
If the reason you said no was because you wanted to watch Saturday morning cartoons and eat cereal, then your no is going to be pretty weak.
So before you give a no, take some time and figure out a powerful reason for saying no.
A reason so strong that people can't question your no.
So for me personally, Kwame Christian, in this situation, if I'm asked To do things on Saturday mornings in general, whether it's with a project I'm working on, if it's some of the nonprofit board work that I do,
My response is this.
This is the no sandwich that I use.
My son is eight months old and my wife is going through residency right now.
So we don't have much time to spend together as a family during the week.
So I like to spend my Saturdays with them whenever I can.
Because of that, I can't come out this Saturday.
But keep me in the loop in the future though, because maybe my schedule will free up and I could help out later in the year.
So in that example, my yes is rooted in family, which includes an adorable baby boy, which makes it even stronger, quite honestly.
And so it's going to be really difficult for somebody to counter that rationale and that foundation of my no and keep on pushing for a yes.
Because essentially, what they would have to argue is that whatever it is that they're offering is more important than time with my family.
And that's a tough sell to make.
So then you might hit me with this question but Kwame, What if I don't have a good reason for saying no?
What if I'm that person who wants to watch cartoons and eat cereal on Saturday morning?
That's fine.
You can have your cereal and eat it too.
If you can't find a stronger reason than I don't want to, then roll with that.
Feeling uncomfortable or not feeling up to it is a completely legitimate reason not to do something.
So whatever the reason, I implore you, to just be honest about it.
If you try to invent solutions, your reasoning loses force and people can sense that you're BSing.
So this is something you'll hear me say time and time again.
Honesty is persuasive.
If you want to stay home and eat cereal and you want to try to make up a lie that sounds more legit.
Now you're in a more dangerous situation, because you've just put your credibility on the line.
For what?
For cereal and cartoons.
So, I want to make it clear.
I'm not trying to be preachy here or talk about ethics or morals or anything.
That's not my place.
But even if you are an evil person, I am telling you that it is strategically better to you to be honest.
And why is that?
Because there's less risk.
To me, lying and bluffing is essentially the negotiators version of throwing up hail marys.
You know why do football players, football teams, only use hail marys in in desperation situations?
Because it's like well, there's no time left.
You know who cares let's, let's try it.
Um, but why don't they do that on first down, first play of the game?
Because it's risky.
A lot of times it ends up in an interception.
You lose your opportunity.
And that's the same thing that happens in negotiations too.
Because if you lie and you get caught in that lie, you're going to lose credibility and it's going to result in damage to your reputation.
And both of those would result in an inability to persuade in the future because people won't trust you.
And you can't make deals without trust.
So now let's talk about the other possibility.
And this is what everybody's afraid of.
So what if they respond poorly to your no?
If they freak out and they get all upset about it?
So this is going to be a key point when it comes to any kind of difficult conversation you might have throughout your life.
You need to remember that you are not responsible for their reaction. to what you say.
You're only responsible for delivering a truthful message in a respectful manner.
So try not to focus on people's reaction to your no.
You can't change their emotions.
No's become a lot more complex when you end up worrying too much about the other person's potential negative response.
And let me tell you when I realized that it made my life lot easier, because I like to make people happy and I realize that there's some conversations that I'm gonna need to have, especially especially as a lawyer, that simply will not make people happy.
But my job is not to make sure people are happy.
My job is to make sure I do what's best for me in the situation and try my best to do what's best for them.
But sometimes the truth hurts and I
Just because it hurts doesn't mean you don't deliver the truth.
So what if they counter?
What if even though you make a strong no, they still push back and keep on pushing for that yes?
Let me let you into a little lawyer technique that we use.
So anyone who has ever read legal writing will know that it can be very, very, very boring.
And so one thing that makes it boring is the fact that we repeat ourselves all the time as lawyers.
We find what they call the phrase that pays.
I'm using air quotes.
The phrase that pays.
And we use it over and over and over again.
And we do this because although it sounds boring, it's incredibly effective.
So when you're saying no, a good thing to do is always prep for the conversation and find the most powerful yes behind your no and turning it into a sentence.
This will help you handle counters to your original no.
So most people have this fear of repeating themselves.
Even if they can come up with new reasons, even if the person you're talking to can come up with new reasons for you to say yes, It doesn't mean that you need to invent new reasons to say no.
So if people ask you the same question in different ways, feel free to give them the same response.
If people try and get creative and come up with new reasoning, new arguments and present new facts, sit there and listen to what they say, evaluate it, analyze it.
And then, if the calculation comes out the same, it's still a no.
Give them a no, the same no that you gave before and don't change it.
So if my client really maybe he has trust issues with attorneys and he says, oh Kwame, you're the only attorney I trust blah blah, blah.
I was like, I appreciate that.
And that means a lot to me really.
But I'm Again, I just, I don't feel comfortable taking on those kinds of cases.
It's outside of my wheelhouse and I think you would be better served with another lawyer.
Essentially the exact same thing I said before, but delivered again because he asked again.
So stick to your guns.
You don't need to say yes.
I'm not going to act like this is easy.
That saying no to people is easy because it really isn't.
I know it's not.
Like I said before, I have a history of people-pleasing, so I know firsthand how tough it could be.
So if no is tough for you, ask yourself, what's the worst thing that could happen?
Usually you're not going to die.
Usually the other person isn't going to attack you or something like that.
Usually it's going to end up having the person experience a little bit of discomfort or emotional unease.
But then...
They get over it, you get over it, and life moves on.
So I'm going to end with a personal story to tell you how I've tried to work through my inability to say no in the past.
So when I finished college, I worked for a nonprofit that provided job opportunities to low-income individuals.
So they had to.
In order to participate, the kids that were between the age of, I think, 16 and 24, they had to be 200 or below of the poverty line.
So that's TANF eligible.
So you're not just poor.
You're really, really, really poor.
And so what would happen is we would have to do financial checks to make sure they were poor enough to be in the program.
And so if the family was simply just really poor, but not really really poor, they couldn't take advantage of the opportunity.
Because it was a government, it was a federal program.
And so they were really strict about who could and could not be in the program.
And so it was really tough for people in the program, the intern coordinators like me, to tell people like sorry, you're not poor enough.
Because when the families were introduced to this opportunity, they were so excited about how this was going to change everything.
And so this would just devastate them where if they got into the program, they were accepted.
But then the financial check came back and showed that they couldn't do it.
So what I did was I told all of my friends I think there were two or three other people in the program in my position as an intern coordinator.
I said, give me all of the people that you need to reject and I'll reject them.
And it's not because I'm some kind of sadist and I love delivering painful news to people.
I hated it.
I probably hated it more than them.
But when I realized that I was struggling so hard to deliver that bad news, I said to myself you're going to be a lawyer.
There's going to be a lot of bad news you're going to deliver.
A lot.
So you need to get over this now before the stakes get higher.
And so every day, day after day, I was just breaking people's hearts, and it broke mine too, but I knew I needed to get over it.
So I say this to you because the thing is like now now I can do it efficiently, effectively and uh and say no and have these difficult conversations.
But it wasn't always this way.
So, whenever you are presented with a situation where you don't like what's going on, somebody's asking for something and you want to say no um, You have to get over it.
You need to take that opportunity and say no.
Deliver that bad news.
Because the thing is, the stakes are going to get higher as you get older, as you get more mature and more professional in your life.
So if you are able to handle these things effectively as a younger person right now, you're the youngest you're ever going to be going forward.
The sooner you're able to handle it, the better you're going to be as the stakes get higher.
So I guess the action step for this week would be to take advantage of every opportunity you have to say no this week.
Do what's best for you.
Because really, in most situations, you're going to be the only person looking out for you.
So protect your interests, say no, and be strong.
So that's all we have for this podcast.
Thank you so much for listening.
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