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Hey, it's Marielle.
You did such a good job with that project at work.
Your style is on point.
point. That dress looks incredible on you.
You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen.
These are all such lovely things to hear, in theory.
But for a lot of us, if somebody said these things to our faces, we'd get uncomfortable, right?
We'd deflect or say something bad about ourselves or instantly pick something to compliment about the other person.
Because many of us were were never taught how to accept a compliment.
But a few years ago, I saw my younger cousin, when she was maybe 17, accept a compliment so skillfully, so unselfconsciously.
It really inspired me.
I think she'd just dyed the tips of her hair some bright color, and my mom said, I really like that.
And my cousin said, I do too.
Just like that, the conversation was about two people expressing that they liked the same thing.
Simple. So what I mean to say is, it can be done.
We can learn to accept compliments the way my cousin did without feeling unbearably awkward and self -conscious.
On this episode of Life Kit, how to take a compliment.
Reporter Andy Tagle talks to experts about that, plus the benefits of receiving and giving compliments.
And just a quick note here, when we talk about compliments, we mean the real, well -intentioned ones, not the backhanded ones that people sometimes give.
You do not have to accept those.
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Tune into Planet Money Summer School from NPR, wherever you get your podcasts.
be more uncomfortable because I'm being showered with compliments.
You look amazing first of all.
Okay. You're gonna be amazing you already are.
Okay we're being brave we're doing it.
So we're just gonna stand feet wide shoulders back accepting all the eyes from the stadium of people looking at us.
Choreographer and dance director Alec Cohen is walking me through a a mini version of intro to pop star, a no experience required dance class that's so popular he travels across the country to teach it in different cities by request. This is a class about like discovering and nurturing your personal it factor and being completely okay being seen.
I have a near allergic aversion to receiving praise.
I'm so bad at taking compliments, one of my co -workers pitched this story on my behalf after trying to give me props for one of my stories.
I deflect, negate, freeze up, sometimes visibly cringe.
And research shows there's a lot of reasons why that might be.
I identify as a woman, for example, so I've likely been taught more often than men not to appear overconfident or immodest. And then there's my self -esteem.
Because when you're not confident in yourself or about the thing you're being complimented on, that divide in your self -image can cause some real cognitive dissonance.
And I am not confident about performing this choreo.
I asked Alec for this lesson because I wanted to harness some of that uber -confident pop star energy.
But as hard as I tried to go full diva, I'm Andy.
not Ari. So my knee jerk reaction, even after a pep talk and no small amount of encouragement from Alec, was to laugh nervously and negate or doubt Alec's every encouraging word. I think I'm already seeing like a really strong ability to pick up choreography, to execute it, like you have coordination.
You're being very kind, you're being very kind.
Well, I wouldn't lie to you.
The thing is, that bit of hesitation, that skepticism in my voice, it's not really serving either of us.
If we go down this path of like, no, I wasn't good, then we're spending 45 more seconds being convinced that you were good and living in that uncomfortable thing and going down this entire rabbit hole of being convinced.
whereas if you just say thank you in that moment, it'll be done with.
And I think over time, just saying thank you will become a practice and then hopefully, inevitably, it'll be something that you actually believe eventually.
So Alex says, let yourself accept the good.
Why not just choose to believe the nice thing?
I don't know anyone who's entirely comfortable accepting praise.
So I think it's just like choosing to accept that people are telling the truth when they tell you that they enjoyed something.
And believe it or not, there's research to back this up.
Xuan Zhao is a behavioral scientist at Stanford University.
Her research is all about social connection.
How we connect with each other.
And how we oftentimes do not connect with each other.
How we understand and oftentimes misunderstand each other.
She's also the CEO and co -founder of Flourish Science, A startup focused on translating insights from science for everyday well -being.
And that includes a lot of research on compliments.
For example, in one study, Xuan and other researchers wanted to know, do people ever get tired of hearing compliments?
So we actually asked people to write down five compliments.
And each day, the computer will send a compliment to the other, the recipient.
recipient and then we found that over time the senders thought that the recipient will get less and less excited about each compliment but the truth is the recipient each time they got really really happy because it's a new compliment and also just like because you had food today doesn't mean that you don't need food tomorrow.
Knowing that you're appreciated by your loved one really means a lot.
And maybe not all that surprising but a good reminder when they're genuine, familiar compliments are still welcome ones.
You know, when I have a nice dress or even the same dress, OK, the same dress that my husband has complimented a million times.
And if I choose to wear it today and he says, oh, that's it fits you really nicely or you look really nice, I would still be very happy.
Still nice to hear it.
Yeah. And we're just getting Getting Started.
What does praise do for us socially, emotionally?
What makes it such a game changer in any kind of relationship?
There's so much research, even before my research, about how good it is to receive compliments.
For example, we have neuroscientists showing that when you receive a compliment, your brain, the reward circuit lights up, just like when you receive money, except that when you give another person a compliment, you're not losing any money.
The other person is happier, and you're actually happier.
There's research about even giving compliments make people happier.
It actually helps you to see the good things around you better when you verbalize, when you communicate those in concrete ideas.
So my research found that we actually underestimate the power of our compliments on other people.
People actually feel even happier than you would expect.
You know, oftentimes you think, oh, maybe they don't even care that much. Maybe they've heard this many times.
But actually, we found We found that people are just happier to receive the compliments.
We found that people overestimate how awkward the other person would feel when they receive compliments.
And then, of course, we looked into the mechanism, why that might be the case.
And we found that oftentimes we especially focus on, am I doing a good job?
Am I using the right words?
And that may oftentimes stop people from even giving the compliments.
And we found that if you actually direct people to focus more on the warmth of the compliments, they're more likely to realize that, oh, I should give this compliment.
It will actually lend well.
So takeaway one. A compliment is an opportunity for connection that benefits both the giver and the receiver.
Yes, even if they also make you feel awkward. And a compliment given from the heart might have a bigger impact than you realize.
So don't hold back for fear of saying exactly the right thing, the right way, at the right time.
Schwan says what matters most is making the effort to let people know how much you appreciate and admire them.
Take it from her. It's a line of research that began from personal experience.
So I've always been really fascinated about how we connect with each other, how we oftentimes do not connect with each other.
and when I was dating my, at that time, my boyfriend, but now husband, I was noticing that I actually didn't know how he felt about me.
And I thought he didn't really like me.
And I actually almost moved on with other guys.
But then one day he told me that he loved me and I was just shocked.
And I felt like one thing that he wasn't doing well is he wasn't telling me all these nice thoughts he had about me, all the admirations he had about me.
So I felt that's a pretty common thing that many people, maybe not just him, but many other people often struggle with is you oftentimes you notice nice things in another person, but you don't tell them for whatever reason.
Maybe you are feeling shy.
Maybe you think this was not a good time.
But then what you may be missing out is that this is opportunity to connect with another person.
This is an an opportunity to brighten another person's day.
So I wanted to prove this point to him that he should give me more compliments.
And of course, as a scientist, I proved to him and also he is a scientist too.
So I run experiments.
And that's my way to communicate, look, it's real that you should give compliments.
And it's actually, it lands better than you think.
I love when you can and find a good thing and also prove your partner wrong or prove yourself right.
That is a double upside for me.
The other part of this was that you ended up making him a scrapbook of compliments.
Can you explain that bit for me?
So, yes. So I created his first birthday after we got together.
So I created this scrapbook.
So I wrote down lots of compliments I had for him and it was very easy.
There are so many good things about him that I can compliment him on. That's such a nice story with such a nice result.
But I was thinking about how I might react if my spouse or my best friend or a colleague in particular gave me a scrapbook of compliments about myself.
I think if it were me, I would probably implode.
I do not know if I could emotionally or even physically handle that much praise.
Why is it so hard for some people, hopefully not just me, to accept praise?
I actually want to ask you, why do you think you would implode?
It's a good question.
I think that context matters.
You know, the amount of praise probably has something to do with it.
You know, like if you're getting like a lot of lofty affirmations in front of people.
There's probably like some self -esteem things in there.
I think culture is a really big thing too.
I was raised in an Asian household.
Humility was like a really big thing.
So I feel like I don't ever want to seem overconfident.
And I don't know what one thing it is, but it makes me cringe often.
My response, I know, is never a good one.
That's beautiful. You just unpacked so many layers of the awkwardness and culture and all of it.
So one, you mentioned self -esteem.
So there's some fascinating research about how high self -esteem people have an easier time receiving compliments because people want to maintain a congruent image about themselves, right when you are high self -esteem you also perceive yourself as have all these wonderful qualities so it's consistent with how you perceive yourself and when you are complimenting a person who may struggle with self -esteem just reassure them that your intention is a kind intention that helps them to accept the compliment because otherwise they may feel being evaluated and then this may not be consistent with how they
perceive themselves so i think that's really really interesting, sharing the intention.
And then another aspect you said might be culture.
Yes, culture. I actually grew up in China.
So when we took our English class, we learned that in English, when people compliment you, you should say thank you.
Don't say no, no, no, no, no. That's the right thing to do in Chinese culture is to deny the compliment.
Deny, deny, yeah. Yes, to deflect the compliment.
That's the right thing to do.
And in English, you are just supposed to say thank you.
So that's, you know, you have to be taught.
And I think that just highlights how much of a cultural difference there is, accepting that it's part of the cultural norm.
I think that really helps.
Takeaway two. It's not just you or me.
Compliments can be hard to receive for lots of reasons.
Like, were you taught never to be boastful?
or were you raised in a culture where a compliment might be perceived as jealousy?
Context matters, meaning both your personal relationship to praise as well as when and where a compliment is received.
Try to control for what you can when you can.
Maybe that means just remembering to take a few deep breaths before you respond to any praise.
Or maybe at the office that could mean setting up a set place for co -worker kudos like a post -it note wall or Slack channel that you can respond to without having to constantly react to people in real time.
Because Schwan says there are definitely reactions you want to avoid.
Let's talk a little bit about best ways to respond.
Because I know for me, some things that I do is like to dismiss the compliment.
Like swat it away. Like, no, that's wrong.
Like to dismiss it or to negate it.
Imagine when you give someone a gift, right?
Right. And if they are like, oh, no, I don't want to receive this gift. How do you feel?
Compliment is a gift. And oftentimes when we give it, we want to give it as an unconditional gift to another person.
So it feels like declining a gift from another person.
So maybe your intention is that you feel that you don't deserve this compliment, but the other person may just feel like a rejection of some sort.
That's really lovely.
And what about the other thing I do is when someone says something nice, I feel like must think of nice thing to say back immediately.
Must think of counter compliment.
Must volley something back right away.
Any thoughts there?
Right. So, again, coming back to the idea of unconditional gift, oftentimes when we give a compliment, we are giving this as an unconditional gift. We're not thinking that I give you a compliment because I want you to give me a compliment.
It's that I notice something nice about you.
I want you to know that how much I appreciate you.
So, yes, there could be other future occasions to repay the compliment.
But at this very moment, I think the best thing to do is to enjoy that as an act of kindness from the other person.
I don't think people keep a mental account of I give three compliments today and I only received two back.
I don't think that's how it works.
Takeaway three. Think of a compliment as an unconditional gift. gift. Gratitude is a good idea, but there's no payback required and no strained or stressful conversation necessary.
Any, you know, template language for us on the best way to phrase a compliment, to phrase praise?
Oftentimes we sometimes don't give compliments because we feel that the other person already knows something, right?
So when you give a compliment, it may not add any new information um but when a nice thoughts about another person comes to you it's better to actually tell them than not telling it so don't get tripped over because i want to give the best compliment i want to use the right template so just say what feels sincere to you i think that's one but two um i do have um friends telling me that if a compliment is is more specific, right?
Instead of just, you know, you look nice today.
Maybe you can tell them, oh, that browse looks really nice on you.
You know, instead of saying, oh, you did a good job.
The presentation is very, you know, went well.
Say more specific about, oh, I really like how you approach the go -to -market strategy.
You know, it's made me see things from a different perspective.
So I think those, they're the kind of, you know, be more concrete and if you can talk about the kind of impact, positive impact it has on you.
Last step, takeaway four.
When offering some praise, the more specific you can be, the better.
You never know how far a little kindness can go.
Who should we give compliments to if we know that it benefits?
Like, does everyone benefit from praise all the time?
Should we just be tossing out compliments to strangers on the street, to our neighbors, to our co -workers, to everybody?
many? I would say so.
If anything, we are certainly not at the point of giving too many compliments that we should worry about, are we giving too many?
I think most people are on the side of not giving enough compliments or expressing their kind thoughts about other people.
And that's a good thing about compliments, right?
It takes seconds for you to take notice of something.
And you you actually help the other person to also appreciate what's special about them.
I still remember some of the compliments I received when I was a kid and really had big impact on me.
They seemed so small and so trivial.
So one was from someone who said that she complimented on my eyes.
And I grew up, I'm Asian, I have single eyelid, right?
And in Asian culture, you know, double eyelid oftentimes is perceived as prettier year because you get larger eyes so i've always thought about i want to i want to get a double eyelid surgery and i have been saving money and even when i was a phd student i was still saving money and wanting to go to korea to get my double eyelid surgery and someone complimented on my eyes and that just helped me to just appreciate that oh yeah it i guess it is pretty through you know know, some other people's eyes.
It doesn't, I don't have to subject myself to the beauty standard that the society is imposing on me.
So these compliments sound really trivial and small, but I think they have big impact.
Like for me, I'm most certainly not going to get double eyelid surgery now.
You know, your converse might turn another person's day around and even change their life.
You never know what kind of impact your compliment would would have on another person.
Xuan Zhao, thanks so much for your time.
It's been a pleasure.
Thank you. It's such a pleasure.
Thank you so much. Oh, and in case you were wondering, I made it through the rest of that dance class.
I definitely didn't nail every step, but Alec was just so genuinely honest and kind and encouraging about it all.
I can help but just feel a little bit good about myself, too.
Five, six, seven, eight, post. Oh, my gosh.
Oh, my gosh. gosh, here's the thing, like, you deserve to be celebrated.
And I think whether I mean, I think that was pretty good.
I think for somebody who claims to have no experience, I think you nailed it.
Okay, let's recap. Takeaway one, a compliment is an opportunity for connection that benefits both the giver and the receiver.
And research shows genuine Genuine compliments don't get old, so go on, make someone's day.
Takeaway two, compliments can be hard to accept for a lot of different reasons.
If you struggle with accepting praise, try to get to the root of the issue and control for what you can.
Because, takeaway three, you can think of a compliment as an unconditional gift. That means there are no strings attached.
You can accept it with a simple, genuine thank you and keep it moving.
Takeaway four. When offering praise, be specific.
Maybe think about the compliments that have meant the most to you.
And then, don't hold back.
You never know the impact you can have on someone else.
That was reporter Andy Tegel.
For more Life Kit, check out our other episodes.
We have one on how to make more confident decisions and another on how to get your protein from plants.
You can find those at npr .org slash life kit.
And if you love life kit and want even more subscribe to our newsletter at npr .org slash life kit newsletter.
Also, we love to hear from you.
So if you have episode ideas or feedback you want to share, email us at life kit at npr .org.
This episode of life kit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider.
Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan and our digital editor is Malika Garib.
Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.
Our production team also includes Margaret Cirino and Sylvie Douglas.
Engineering support comes from Zoe Vingenhoven.
Special thanks to Adia Gooden and Erica Boothby.
I'm Marielle Segarra.
Thanks for listening.
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