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Hi, friends. This week we're playing one of our favorite episodes from the past.
It's all about crushes.
We think you'll learn a lot whether you've ever had a crush on someone or not.
I know I learned a lot making this episode.
We're going to answer a slew of crush -related questions from listeners, including why do we get crushes and why do they make you feel so many feelings?
Okay, on with the show.
You're listening to Brains On, where we're serious about being curious.
Brains On is supported in part by a grant from the National Science Foundation.
One day, your friends are talking about their favorite games, animals, and ice cream flavors.
Definitely strawberry.
It's gotta be chocolate.
Mint chocolate chip.
Have you guys tried Rocky Road?
It's disgusting. And the next day, something has changed.
He is so cute. Oh, my gosh.
She looked at me. I think I might faint.
What about ice cream?
Sawyer said the funniest thing to you.
Oh, no. It's happening.
That's right. Your friends have been taken over by the crush.
Do you think he likes me back?
Do you think she likes me back?
Do you think they like me back?
No. The Crush, coming soon to a podcast near you.
This is Brains On from American Public Media.
I'm Molly Bloom and my co -host today is Siaki from San Diego.
Hi, Siaki. Hi, Molly.
Today's episode is inspired by a few listener questions we've received, including this one.
My name is Caroline.
I am from Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
My question is, why do we fall in love?
So Siaki, have you wondered about love and crushes too?
Yes, I have. Do you remember when your first crush was?
Um, I think my first crush was when I was in first grade.
And have you had crushes since then?
Yes, I have had many crushes since then.
What grade are you in now?
I'm in sixth grade.
Yeah, I remember when I was in elementary school, I had crushes basically all the time and they changed frequently.
So how often would you say your crushes change?
Very, very, very often.
Do you have friends that haven't had crushes too?
Yes, I have friends that haven't had crushes, but most of them do.
Do you and your friends talk about your crushes?
Um, yes, we do. But I stopped telling my friends about my crushes because then they would tease me about them.
One time my friend told my crush that I liked him.
So that was embarrassing.
Yeah, that is a really hard thing to have happen.
That's something that happened to me.
I think that's something that happens to a lot of people.
Do you have like one friend that you feel like you can trust or you kind of just keep that to yourself now?
Well, I feel like I could trust one friend, but she wouldn't tell my crush, but she would keep on teasing me about it.
So I just eventually stopped telling her to.
Why do you think people tease about crushes?
Well, maybe because crushes can be funny.
I think that makes sense because when we have crushes or when our friends have crushes, when it comes to the person that they like, those of us who have crushes don't necessarily act like ourselves in that moment.
Like maybe we act one way most of the time, but then when you mentioned the crush, we act a little bit different.
And maybe a little bit could seem silly because we get really excited or we get really nervous.
And so it's kind of easy to tease a friend in that instance.
Yeah. Some kids don't have crushes, but it's definitely something a lot of you have experience with.
so having a crush kind of makes me feel nervous inside just to say something and it makes me feel sweet inside when I have a crush when I talk to that person I can't stop smiling and I blush when I look at them and when I do anything with that person I just feel very happy.
For your latest episode, Awkward.
When I have a crush I feel happy and excited and feel really special and I really want to be around them but at the same time I also feel shy around them.
So it makes you feel like you're really fuzzy inside, and like you never want to leave them no matter what, and like you want to stay with them forever and ever and ever.
When I have a crush, I feel like I can't look at that person because people will then know that I have a crush on that person, and when I'm talking about them, I blush.
Thanks to Samia, Zoe, Gabby, Coco, Harvey, Emily, and Lulu for sending us those lovely descriptions.
Some crushes grow over time.
Others can sneak up on you and take you by surprise.
But when you're in the middle of a crush, it can take up a lot of space in your brain.
There's things going on in the brain, different parts of the brain lighting up.
That's Rebecca Schwartz -Metta, a psychologist who teaches at the University of Maine.
You know, the parts of the brain that light up when we eat really delicious cake and the parts that light up when we're about to jump on a roller coaster, that mix of excitement, something good is about to happen, but it's also a little scary.
When Rebecca says parts of the brain are lighting up, that means they're active.
For your brain, having a crush is a big mix of feelings.
It's almost a little like eating a piece of cake on a roller coaster.
So seeing someone you have a crush on might make you feel butterflies in your stomach.
You might feel that same feeling before you go on stage.
When you're nervous and excited, about anything really, that butterfly feeling comes from a reaction to stress that's called fight or flight.
We evolved to be ready to spring into action anytime we encountered stress, because it probably meant running away or fighting a predator.
But since we're also social creatures, meaning we need other people to survive, stress that comes from social situations triggers that same survival response in us.
You might wonder what your crush thinks of you, or you might want them to like you back.
That can be stressful, and that causes your body to get ready for fight or flight.
Which means the blood rushes away from your stomach and into your muscles.
That makes your stomach feel fluttery.
Other brain chemicals are at play too, like dopamine, which is how your brain rewards you.
Like if your crush smiles at you, your brain will say, hey, that was awesome, and your neurons release dopamine.
and oxytocin which is a chemical that makes you feel bonded to someone okay so there are lots of people in the world why do we have crushes on some people but not on others oh my gosh see and this is that like magic part that you know science is desperate to understand i think we have some good clues
similarity is a big one you know similar interests similar worldviews similar activities for kids is a huge one.
And also the younger the kid, proximity.
The more you're around someone, in many cases, the more you like them.
Of course, the other thing that we think a lot about is physical appearance, and that's a powerful one.
So there are a lot of reasons why you might like the look of someone.
It's different for everyone.
Just like you might really like the look of a certain dessert, or the way a house is decorated, or a pair of shoes.
We all have different tastes.
And that's great. We can all listen to our own feelings about what and who we like.
It's a part of who we are.
So, Siaki, why do you think a crush is called a crush?
Maybe a crush is called a crush because you feel crushed when you like someone.
Yeah, like what about it do you think makes you feel crushed?
Maybe it's like if they don't like you back or something.
Yeah, like if they don't like you back, it could feel crushing.
I also feel like maybe it's because there are just so many different feelings that you kind of feel like crushed under the weight of all those different feelings you're feeling.
Well, before we get to that crushing part of a crush, it's time for your ears to fall in love with the mystery sound.
Here it is. Okay, I think we should hear that one again.
It has a lot of silence in it, so let's hear it one more time.
Okay, Siaki, what is your guess?
So, at the beginning, I kind of hear a popping sound, and then I feel like someone's lighting a match near the end.
Hmm, very good guess.
Well, we will be back with the answer and give you another chance to guess a little bit later in the show.
So let's turn to the why of crushes.
We get crushes because, like we said earlier, humans are social creatures.
We really care about our relationships with other humans.
Part of the reason we think we have such sophisticated emotional systems and communication systems is to connect with other people.
And so, you know, of course, our first connections are with our caregivers and our siblings if we have them.
And then we branch out and we form peer relationships and friendships.
And then after that is when we start to become interested in those early stages of romantic relationships.
And so I think that we are at our core beings that wish to connect with others.
and the kind of development of the types of relationships that we create sort of build on one another.
In a lot of ways, crushes are helping us figure out what we like in other people and who we might want to form a lasting relationship with.
These bonds are important.
In many cultures, people build their families around them.
And humans need to raise kids to make our species successful.
Partnerships have been key to that.
Humans aren't the only ones who form lasting relationships.
Some animals seem to fall in love, or at least stick with the same partner for a while.
And get this, there's actually a fictional game show about them.
Welcome to the Long Term Mates game, where we quiz animals who mate for a long time to see just how well they know their partners.
Let's meet our couples.
Couple number one, they met in an underground club, a tiny dirt tunnel just a few inches beneath a golf course.
It was love at first sniff, it's a pair of prairie voles.
Couple number two, they're the perfect picture of long -armed love.
These apes are often swinging from branch to branch in the tropical rainforests of Asia.
It's a pair of gibbons.
Couple number three, you might mistake them for pine cones with legs, but they're actually reptiles.
Joining us all the way from Western Australia, it's a couple of shingleback skinks.
Couple number four, on their first date, they surprised each other by ordering the same drink, seawater.
It's a pair of literal lovebirds, the albatrosses.
Now, our questions are for one partner at a time.
I'll ask the question, and your job is to match the answer your partner would give.
Prairie Vols, you're up first.
What is your partner's favorite item in your home?
Mmm, I know this. It's the grass in our nest.
It is the dried grass in our nest.
yes i knew because our nest is just the right amount of scratchy and warm well done voles gibbons you're up what is your partner's ideal date oh okay i've got to say hanging out in a tree and then grooming each other baby you were so close i said grooming each other and then hanging out in a tree oh
well we could definitely groom each other first not our next date that is sweet we'll give you half a point for that shingleback skinks let's see what you've got what is your partner's favorite color let's see i think i'll select dark blue that's the color of our tongues.
Hon, no. Why would the color of our tongues be my favorite?
I picked orange. Oops.
Well, nice try, skinks.
Alright, our last couple, the albatrosses.
How many kids is your partner hoping to have this year?
Just one. That's right, yes.
I want to lay one egg.
We only lay one egg at a time Then raise it together How nice Well, folks, I love when our couples Know each other well But my favorite part about this game Is when they don't It's amazing All these animals are partnered for years And they still don't know everything about each other Love is mysterious
Well, that's it for today But tune in next time We'll be quizzing wolves, sandhill cranes, octopods, and Malagasy giant rats in the Long -Term Mates game.
We're working on an episode about trends and how things become cool.
And it got us wondering, what kind of trend would you like to start?
Maybe you think it would be awesome if everyone started wearing their shirts inside out.
Or maybe you want everyone to start saying the words baked beans instead of awesome.
Like, wow, wearing your shirt inside out like that is totally baked beans.
Record yourself telling us about the trend you'd like to start and send it to us at brainson .org slash contact.
And while you're there, you can send us your mystery sounds, drawings, and high fives too.
And at the end of this episode, we'll read the most recent group to be added to the Brains Honor roll.
Brains On Universe is a family of podcasts for kids and their adults.
Since you're a fan of Brains On, you'll love the other shows in our universe.
Come on, let's explore.
It's Alien Laundry Day.
While I wash my nose mufflers and tummy togas, I'll listen to a new podcast.
How about Smash Broom Best, my favorite debate podcast?
Growing up, I was always a slide kid.
I remember this park I went to, and it had everything.
There was a miniature train, a spinning set of monkey bars, and even had a talking pig -shaped trash can called Porky the Litter -Eater.
Hi, kid. I'm Porky.
Zorb! Signal down! Stay right there, tummy togas.
Must find Smash Boom Best now!
Listen to Smash Boom Best wherever you get your podcasts.
Ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -ba -brain's on.
You're listening to Brains On from American Public Media.
I'm Siaki. And I'm Molly.
Okay, Siaki, are you ready to go back to that mystery sound?
Yes. Alright, here it is.
Alright, do you want to hear it again?
Sure. Okay, one more time.
okay what are your new thoughts um i still think it's the match and the popping sound but i also think it's something else like maybe someone hitting drumsticks against a soft surface like a pillow or something awesome i love that guess well here is the answer My name is Emma, and this is my little sister,
Olivia. We're from Cary, North Carolina.
That was the sound of me putting on lip balm.
So putting on lip balm, that sound at the end, that is her putting her lips together, like after you put chapstick on.
Huh. Interesting. Yeah, and I think the sound you thought was a match was the closing of the lip balm.
Do you wear lip balm sometimes?
Sometimes when my lips are really, really dry.
Siaki, have you ever tried to find out if a crush likes you back?
Yes, I have. The first time, I actually tried to figure it out.
It didn't go so well for me.
Oh, no. Tell me a little more.
So my crush actually figured out what I was trying to do.
and he just asked me, are you trying to figure out if I like you?
If you are, I'm sorry, but I don't.
That was sad. That is sad.
Were you trying to say it and you were really nervous and that's why he said that?
Yes. Did he handle it well?
Was he nice about it?
Or do you feel like he could have handled it better?
I think he was pretty nice about it.
Yeah, I mean, it's going to have a lot of feelings attached to that no matter what happens, even if people are nice, but it's nice that at least he was respectful to you and was nice to you.
I asked a boy once if he had a crush on me by sending him a note that said, do you like me?
Check one yes or no.
That actually happened.
I was really nervous about it and I got my friend involved.
It was a whole thing.
What did he check off?
He did check yes that time but I did I did that a different time with a different boy who checked no so you know I've experienced both sides of that myself so Siaki would you say that it's better to know if your crush likes you or doesn't like you or is that mystery better I mean there's two sides to
this in a way it could be better to know because you'd be like really anxious and you just want to talk to them or something and you want to get it out and let them know how you feel.
But then again, you might feel really nervous and what if they say no and then they keep on looking at you crazy and then they tell everyone?
So there's some risk involved of trying to find out?
Definitely some risk.
Is there fun in the mystery of not knowing?
I don't think so. At least not for me anyway.
Yeah. You'd rather know the answer.
Yeah. Well, finding out about someone's crush or someone finding out that you have a crush on them, it's a big moment.
We asked a couple experts about that.
My name is Anusha. I'm 17 years old, and I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Hi, my name is Sarah.
I'm 17 years old, and I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan.
Sarah and Anusha are peer educators, which means they talk to middle and high schoolers about healthy relationships.
So friends can come to us and ask us questions and we can help them find the answers.
They had great advice about what to do in any kind of crush -related situation.
Take some time to kind of digest and think about what was said before you have a reaction.
So I think of two different things.
I kind of feel that there's a difference between a reaction and a response.
and so your initial reaction could be scary or uncomfortable and oftentimes we don't have as much control over our reactions but our responses are something that maybe we took a little bit more time to think about and you know that's something that we're comfortable sharing with other people so our
reactions are ours and our responses are something that we give to other people so I would just encourage people to kind of pay attention to that difference and try and respond rather than react when we're younger a lot of the times we're not the ones who are telling our crushes that we like them oftentimes
they find out you know there's a lot there's a game of telephone and that is a really difficult thing to deal with to have someone know something that personal about you that you never wanted them to know in the first crush related situation take some time to kind of digest and think about what was said
before you have a reaction so i think of two different things i kind of feel that there's a difference between a reaction and a response and so your initial reaction could be scary or uncomfortable and oftentimes we don't have as much control over our reactions, but our responses are something that maybe
we took a little bit more time to think about.
And, you know, that's something that we're comfortable sharing with other people.
So our reactions are ours and our responses are something that we give to other people.
So I would just encourage people to kind of pay attention to that difference and try and respond rather than react.
When we're younger, a lot of the times we're not the ones who are telling our crushes that we like them oftentimes they find out you know there's a lot there's a game of telephone and that is a really difficult thing to deal with to have someone know something that personal about you that you never
wanted them to know in the first place uh and that can be embarrassing I've been there it's difficult in the moment it feels like the end of the world I get that it's not I promise you'll be fine they'll move on you'll move on.
The next day, something funny will happen in class and everyone will forget about it.
But just know that it's going to be okay.
No matter what the situation is, crushes can bring up lots of questions.
Psychologist Rebecca Schwartz -Metta says that's totally normal.
It can be really confusing, but it's also exciting.
You know, to me, you know, and I've told my own kids this, it's a signal that you're cool and you want to connect with other cool people.
You know, it's your body's way, your brain's way, your heart's way of reaching out and finding new connections.
And not all of those connections are going to end like a Disney princess movie.
In fact, hardly none of them will.
Oh, good morning, Bluebird.
What's that you say?
Time to start my day.
But, oh, I had such a wonderful time at the ball last night.
Yes, I did meet the prince, and he was just as handsome as everyone says.
I think I'm in love.
Why, yes, I do think we'll get married and live happily ever after Well, no, we didn't talk for very long We danced to three songs and by the end, our two hearts had become one Most crushes aren't reciprocated?
You mean, the person doesn't love you back?
And even if you do date them, you may not end up being compatible?
And that's okay? You're telling me it's okay to fall in love at a ball with someone I've never met before and for them to not be in love with me back and that we won't get married and live happily ever after?
How is that okay? That's not how this is supposed to work.
But there will be lots of good things in my life.
Other balls and other crushes and also all kinds of different experiences.
And crushes are good practice and will teach me something.
Okay. Thanks for talking with me.
Okay, fine. Yes. I'll get out of bed.
Those tiny mouse hats won't make themselves.
It's important to remember that these feelings, even if we call them a crush, they're real feelings and the feelings of rejection are real and the feelings of hurt are real.
And so I think it's kind of that first foray into this jungle of romantic relationships.
But even that, even experiencing that lack of reciprocation, it's a training ground for helping us to refine our ideas about who we want to be connected to.
And it's all sort of part of the experience, but it can be a very painful part.
So if you find yourself having a crush, it's important to know that it is totally normal.
It's also normal if you don't have crushes either.
And Rebecca says that if you find yourself with questions or are dealing with big feelings, it's great to turn to your friends or family to talk about them.
I think working out those feelings, not necessarily, you know, holding on to them and being alone with them, I think is really key.
It's totally okay to have questions.
Talking to someone can help you get answers.
No matter how you're feeling, you're not alone.
Crushes are a big deal, and so are relationships.
So that's why there's no need to rush into them.
We find from our research and working with kids and talking with kids that romantic relationships are so important for development, right?
Like, it's a good thing, even though it can bring up new types of conflict and new types of distress that people haven't navigated before.
It can also bring up lots of new joys and other wonderful things.
But one thing that we know is that when kids get into romantic relationships too, too early, then it can be kind of harmful in some ways.
And so knowing that there's a lot of room to develop and grow in between first crush and first relationship, it's okay to wait a little while and savor the crush, I tell people, you know, the experience of having those feelings in and of themselves can be fun and important.
Here's something else important to think about.
Crushes and relationships involve you and someone else.
That means you need to respect that other person, listen to what they want and don't want.
And it's important that you listen to yourself too, what you want and what you don't want.
Everyone gets to choose what feels right to them.
Our bodies are our own, right?
So we have complete control over what happens to our bodies and that includes how other people interact with them.
Again, our peer educator pal, Anusha.
If someone wants to give me a hug, I want to make sure that they're asking me permission before they give me that hug.
And if I want to give someone else a hug, I want to make sure that I'm asking them permission.
Anytime that someone is interacting with my body or I'm interacting with someone else's body, I want to make sure that I know that I have their consent, I have their permission to do that.
It's not always easy to say no and I think oftentimes especially when it comes to people that we're really close with like family members and friends and teachers, we don't want to upset them by saying no but we want to make sure that we're putting our feelings at the same level playing field as everyone
else's. If someone comes up to you and asks you for a hug and you don't feel comfortable.
Something like, hey I don't really feel like a hug right now, because sometimes I just don't feel like giving hugs and that's totally okay.
A lot of the times when we get said no to, we feel like it's our responsibility, but we have to kind of step back and realize that the boundaries are on the other person, right?
So those are their boundaries that they're comfortable with and it doesn't have anything to do with us, but we still need to respect them.
We'll see you next week.
feeling. And remember, you don't need to rush into anything.
You get to set your own boundaries and it's important to respect other people's boundaries.
And that's it for this episode of Brains On.
BrainsOn is produced by Manneka Wilhelm, Mark Sanchez, Sandy Taughton, and Molly Bloom.
We had production help from David Jha, Christina Lopez, and Nancy Hsu, and editing from Phyllis Fletcher.
We had engineering help from Cameron Wiley.
Special thanks to Andie Doucet, Melanie Renee, James Raby, Juliet, Odin, Axel, and Coco.
Brains On is a nonprofit public radio podcast.
You can support the show and help us keep making new episodes at brainson .org slash fans.
Now it's time for the Brains Honor Roll.
These are the incredible kids who keep this show going with their questions, ideas, mystery sounds, drawings, and high fives.
Jaden Cam from Waianae, Hawaii Lelu from Ibiza, Spain Aiden from Cape Town, South Africa Samuel from Oakland, California Jane and Micah from Rexburg, Idaho Miller from Charlotte, North Carolina Leo from Victoria, British Columbia Achilles from New York Cameron from Alberta Roshanna from Kwam, Iran Zoe and Anna from Hopkins,
Minnesota Rem from San Francisco Ethan and Owen from Troy, Michigan Fallon from Texas Jane from Huntsville, Alabama Vincent from Cherry Hill, New Jersey Leo from Marshall, North Carolina Eloise from Billions, Montana Maggie from Victoria, Minnesota Ava from Bend, Oregon.
Ramona from Methune, Massachusetts.
Evie from Silva, North Carolina.
Theo and Wilfred from Sydney, Australia.
Callisto and Oscar from Chicago.
Satyana from Fremont, California.
Andrew from Brownsburg, Indiana.
Ellie and Armoni from Nashville.
