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I'm Soledad O 'Brien, and on my new true crime podcast, Murder on the Towpath, I'm taking you back to 1964 to the cold case of artist Mary Pinchot Meyer.
She had been shot twice in the head and in the back.
It turns out Mary was connected to a very powerful man.
I pledge you that we shall neither commit nor provoke aggression.
John F. Kennedy. Listen to Murder on the Towpath with Soledad O 'Brien on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcast, or wherever you get your podcast. Hello everybody.
Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast. New listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we, of course, break down the psychology of our 20s.
First and foremost, I want to thank you all so much for the overwhelming love and support you have had for my book, Person in Progress.
As I am recording this, the book has been out for just under a week and the messages and DMs I've received, the pictures from people who have found it.
in Germany, in Singapore, in New York, in Romania has truly made every single moment since so unbelievably special.
You know, you put a lot of love into a book and this being my first one I have to admit I wasn't really sure how it was going to turn out.
I'm, you know, I will happily admit that I was very, very afraid and the day it came out was actually very anticlimactic, but also quite stressful.
So hearing from you all, now that it's out in the world, seeing you guys with your copies, it really has been the best part of this and it's made it all so, just so worth it.
It's made it like a thing of dreams, really.
It's just, it's unbelievable.
If you still haven't gotten a copy, it is available wherever you get your books on Audible, Kindle, in hard copy from a bookstore.
It is the easiest and most direct way to support me in the podcast, so I appreciate every single one of you who has bought it, reviewed it, spoken about it with friends, colleagues, family...
It truly does all add up.
Now to the episode.
I know we were just speaking about something, you know, remarkably happy and positive but this episode is tackling something that's somewhat adjacent maybe but also a bit different.
It's something a lot of struggle with silently and that is an inability to be happy with what we have. That sense that something is always missing the itch that won't go away.
You know, you get the job and then you want a promotion, you move into a new house and then suddenly you're looking for something even better or thinking about what's not right with it.
You get into a relationship and yet there's still that lingering thought, is there something better out there for me?
Is this it? If you are haunted by this type of thinking, you've probably found that it applies to nearly everything in your life.
So many of us live in this in -between space, right?
This space between where we are and where we think we should be.
And that gap, it often feels like failure.
Even if achieved so much, we end up living by this more, more, more mentality I've spoken about before.
You know, once we have what we want, all we can think about is what we don't, meaning the bar is always being raised, we always want more.
We never appreciate how far we've come, so we repeatedly undervalue our progress, and our happiness is the price we pay.
I think this is also particularly compounded by the upheaval of being in our 20s, where it feels like we're in competition with everyone around us.
What do they have that I don't?
Why do they seem so much happier?
Why does their life seem more together?
How can I have that?
How can I be like them?
How can I feel more secure?
The answer is we will never feel secure if we don't first understand what is driving this constant sense of dissatisfaction and you know what the solution it's more than just gratitude it's something that goes a whole lot deeper it's probably gonna surprise a few of you actually so my friends I am excited to explore this psychology with you some of you may also know I have a podcast called Mantra and we did a more philosophical take on this episode over there if you finish this and you want more, mantra is like the psychology of your 20s soulful sister.
Part meditation, part inspirational.
Each week we give you a new mantra to focus your attention on for the week ahead, like some of the recent ones we've done are, I release the need to do it all, I trust myself to make the best decision with what I know now.
So many more. It's just like the most fabulous way to start your week so don't forget to check it out after that.
but without further ado, let's talk about why we never seem to be happy with what we have. I want to explain the feeling of never being happy with what we have first here, because I really want to articulate how this feels in your body, in your thoughts, how it looks in your day to day life, because if you haven't already suspected, this feeling sounds lot like, you know, good old -fashioned depression.
But it is different.
This contentment, happiness, treadmill, as I call it, this constant pursuit of more, it's not a clinical label.
Not being happy with what you have is not really something that you could be diagnosed with in the way that you could be diagnosed with a mental health disorder.
But it may be a symptom of something larger.
So to be diagnosed with a major depressive disorder, you do have to meet a number of specific criteria or exhibit a number of symptoms. A lack of satisfaction with what we have is probably going to contribute to a number of these, but it's not a symptom on its own.
Depression, you know, it can make even the most remarkable moments bland, because of a deeper number of reactions and interactions going on below the surface.
So an inability to be happy with what you have may be symptomatic of that, but you can also struggle with this and constantly crave more success, more accolades, more friends, more of whatever it is, whilst not being depressed, whilst still feeling generally kind of happy, still being able to concentrate, not suffering from insomnia, fatigue, these kinds of things.
The problem really occurs when this spirals, and the dissatisfaction is all you seem to be able to focus on all day, every day.
The losses, the failures, they become the fixation for you.
So there is this theory called the 50 50 principle, which essentially suggests that for every emotion or positive experience we have, there will be an equal experience or emotion that will be negative.
So you get a promotion, your car gets towed, you get a free coffee, you stub your toe, you go on a great first date, you forget about your really expensive electricity bill.
Quickly reflect on your last week for me here.
I feel like that balance is pretty accurate.
Sometimes you have months that are more negative, sometimes it makes up for it and you have months that are more positive, but it always comes back to the 50 -50.
When we are struggling with being happy with what we have this theory would essentially suggest that it's not because nothing good or amazing is happening, but that we're focusing too much on the negative experience that are always going to occur.
Or we forget to appreciate what is good and therefore we start seeing things that are actually positive as a letdown because Perhaps our expectations for the 50 % that is good in our life is just too high So returning to what I was saying before what does this headspace of never being happy with what we have look like.
Well firstly often what it's going to manifest as is obsessive future planning and a real difficulty staying present.
This is also known as When then thinking so when I get this Then I'll be happy when I get the job when I get the partner when I get the shiny new object This has another name.
It's called the arrival fallacy when I arrive at this arbitrary point I will be Static my life will make sense That point of course there always keeps moving you know, how many of us are constantly waiting for something and waiting so intently, we kind of forget that the chapter we're in now is just as sweet, it's just as important.
Sometimes you really have to question like, what is enough for me?
What is this secret, you know, secret doorway that I will one day walk through that will make me finally happy?
Objectively, when we are experiencing a severe lack of basic needs, getting certain things like job security, more income, stable shelter, you know, that's certainly going to increase our happiness levels, the happiness jump between having very little to having enough to sustain you and then having enough to be comfortable, those jumps are very, very large.
But once you are comfortable, from there, we really don't realise how minor and incremental the change to our happiness level will be, but we place so much pressure on what are actually really small changes to transform our lives when we already have, you know, actually so much. You may also find that, you know, when you do achieve the big things that you previously told yourself would be enough for you, you still feel quite empty.
I think this is actually the biggest indicator of them all.
You say, you know, when I graduate from university, then my life is gonna start.
And then you walk across the stage.
Nothing really changes.
You finally get into the relationship, but you find that, you know, even the most perfect person isn't going to eliminate all other struggles in your life.
Another indicator that you're not happy with what you have, envy or jealousy towards the people you perceive have it all.
And with that, probably also some frustration and self -hatred, you know, that heavy feeling in your body, that battle between, you know, feeling envious of someone else and then try and re -in it in and control your ego and then feeling envious and being like, why am I thinking this way?
am so such a bad person but you can't stop it then you feel guilty it's just a constant spiral.
Persistent restlessness.
Now this can manifest in a lot of things.
Frequent job or relationship hopping even constantly moving cities, countries, anything to find the place the person the thing That could finally, you know change everything for you This is a common thing we see in our 20s.
Right? Honestly, I'm guilty of it I moved to Sydney after a breakup because I thought it would change my life and Trust me.
It did not have that immediate effect.
In fact, it probably made it harder in the first year The geographic cure once I moved to this place I'll be happy if I just pick up everything and move cities Because my whole life will change and I'll forget about all these issues, the geographic cure is a myth.
To offer you some evidence of this, in one study in 2012, the researcher David Kahneman asked a group of individuals living in one part of the US, specifically the Midwest, do you think people living in southern California are happier?
The majority of them were like yeah of course they are, it's beautiful, it's sunny, who wouldn't be happier there.
He then asked, do you think you'd be happier if you moved there?
A majority of them said, yes, they would.
But when he actually compared life satisfaction scores between the two cities, he found that they were nearly identical.
So all these individuals in the Midwest, and you could replace the Midwest with really any country, any city, there's always going to be this beautiful, romanticized city we think when we move to it will change our lives and everyone there is happy and thriving.
But what he found was that actually it doesn't really change much. It's nearly identical location isn't the thing that it's going to change your life it's the perception of your life or the perception of the place that does that.
Another study from 2016, this time in the UK, found something very similar but it also found that moving cities actually makes you more stressed, more detached, more lonely.
So, a warning to anyone in their 20s right now, I'm talking to you, if you think a sudden move is gonna finally make you happier this story is a lot more complex. A few other signs here that you're struggling to find happiness with what you have, no matter how much you receive or achieve you catastrophize small setbacks, you can be quite impulsive, especially with money, you overconsume lifestyle content that is idealistic and romanticised, you may spend more time online shopping or scrolling dating apps, and your mood is seemingly linked to your external accomplishments and what you have, rather
than your internal sense of satisfaction.
So if this sounds like you, I want to explain why this may be happening, because it can seriously confronting especially when we start to perhaps realize, wait you know what would I need to finally be content?
And if I don't get that, will I ever be happy?
Is there a final destination, a final spot I wish to be, does that even exist?
So essentially when we have this maw -maw -mawn mindset when we can't be happy with what we have, what is occurring is something called hedonic adaptation.
It's also called the Hedonism Treadmill.
So this was first given a name in the 1970s by two Canadian researchers, Brickman and Campbell.
And what they found is that humans, no matter what's happening in their life, they could win a Grammy.
They could marry the love of their life.
They could also lose the love of their life, could lose everything.
We will still typically return to a fairly stable baseline level of happiness that seems to be largely predetermined regardless of what is happening around us.
Now this is specifically the case or especially the case, I should say, with really happy positive events.
You know, you land your dream job but the ecstasy of that doesn't last that long.
You know, it's not long until you start to notice the downsides or you get into a relationship and it's amazing and thrilling until the novelty wears off and then you kind of return back to that stable level.
This is basically our brains way of maintaining emotional balance, but it also means that we rarely feel happy and satisfied for long.
The big things we think will change our life.
They actually don't end up changing that much in the long term, but because we expect that they will, we also equally feel even and more letdown.
The psychologist Sonya Lubomirsky, she wrote the book, the myth of happiness, she added on to this research and she discovered that only around 10 % of our happiness comes from external circumstances.
Only 10%, around 40 % comes from attitude and your intentional mindset.
50 % is actually genetically determined.
Yet that 10%, that is where we put most of our focus on.
We think if I just had this one more thing, I'd finally feel whole.
If I just achieved this, I'd finally be happy.
Once we get to it, we recalibrate, the happiness we expected doesn't last. That's hedonic adaptation at work.
We're always resetting the bar.
Basically what I'm trying to say through this is, it's not you.
It's your human blueprint trying to kind of almost humble us it seems. Our brain chemistry also plays a major role.
of course if we're gonna talk about happiness at some stage we're gonna talk about dopamine Dopamine it's not just the happiness chemical.
It's the neurotransmitter associated with motivation reward and pleasure But here's the thing that most of us don't know about Dopamine and I don't think I even ended up learning about this until I was in my third year of studying psychology Your dopamine doesn't spike when you get the reward but in anticipation of it.
I was always told, you know, when you eat a chocolate bar, it makes you happy.
When you do this, it makes you happy.
It's the anticipation of it that makes you feel happy and the relief of finally getting it.
So when you're fantasizing about the next big thing, your brain floods with dopamine, you feel excited, you feel hopeful, you feel alive.
You know, think about the excitement before a first date or a big overseas trip.
But once you actually get it the dopamine drop -off from that leaves you feeling flat even disappointed It's why people, you know, they go to their dream destinations.
They go to Paris they go to Thailand they go to Rome and they're like, I'm kind of disappointed It's not what Matt not what my expectations were all their wedding day or a big milestone, you know Maybe they don't end up leaving that feeling as happy as they thought they would But this explains why we feel addicted to the act of setting very huge goals but not necessarily fulfilled when we get the thing.
We're not actually addicted to achievement, we're addicted to the feeling of almost. This can lead to something I call a success hangover.
It's also known as Gold Medal syndrome for a more formal name you'd find in a psychology textbook.
Gold Medal syndrome of course named after Olympians who work their entire frickin lives for one moment.
For a gold medal. And then they get it.
And they're like, oh, this is it?
This is all I ever wanted?
Now what? What do I do after this?
Every single, you know, the Olympics were, when I'm recording this last year, every single time the Olympics are on I'm always reminded of this.
And I always see people who have worked probably since they were three, four years old, finally achieved their dreams. And I'm like, oh my God, that's when the real that's when the real work begins, that's when the real struggle happens.
Because now you have to redefine yourself after getting everything you've ever wanted.
But also perhaps realising, you know, you had to fantasise about how amazing it would be in order to get to this place.
It have to win a gold medal to experience this.
Let me give you one final explanation for why we are never happy with what we have, and we kind of talked about it before but it's something called the negativity bias.
So this is a cognitive bias that we have as humans in which we constantly focus on the negative parts of life.
Some of us, more than others, if you're quite pessimistic, you'd also be doing this.
Even optimism doesn't necessarily protect us from this.
Yes, there are some people who are, you know, crazily optimistic and who perhaps don't see the world in a negative light.
Those people are quite rare.
Most of us will find that we spend a lot more time thinking about the little frustrations, the things that went wrong, the things that are stressing us out Than the things that are making us feel joyful than the things that we are happy and proud of Then the things that make our life feel quite meaningful.
I know I do this I literally released a book a week ago, and you know what?
I spent the whole morning thinking of oh my god I'm so busy.
I have so many chores this and that, you know, the microphone wasn't working this morning Blah blah blah blah blah, and it's all I thought about like and I realized oh my goodness Like there's negativity bias is exhausting, but it's also something that we can sometimes struggle to manage because it's how we're hardwired to think.
Let's talk about this from a survival perspective.
Back in the day, we're roaming the Sahara, we're roaming the mountains, the jungle, you need to focus more on what is potentially threatening, dangerous, scary if you wanna survive, then watching the sunset, looking at the beautiful berries, the beautiful flowers, the beautiful butterflies.
In a modern society, though, that's no longer as protective as it was back then, now it's actually just, I'm just gonna say it, it's a letdown.
It's so annoying, so annoying.
You know, when it comes to never being happy with what we have, we can also look at things like comparison.
We can look at things like boredom.
We could, you know, investigate the societal emphasis on materialism.
I feel like these are things that we talk about a lot, though, and that we kind of have a grasp on.
So I kind of wanted to explore perhaps some different explanations that may not be top of mind for you as you're kind of battling this constant need for more, this constant need to achieve, this constant sense of dissatisfaction with what you have, even if it's what a past version of yourself could only have ever dreamed of.
so we are going to take a short break but when we return let's talk the consequences of this let's also talk the solution because it's probably a little bit different to what you're expecting stay tuned ChatGBT Plus is free for college students now through May that means you have no limits on and how many ways you can prompt ChatGBT to help you through some of the worst parts of the school year.
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These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
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I'm Soledad O 'Brien.
And on my podcast murder on the towpath, I'm taking you back to the 1960s.
Mary Pinchot Meyer was a painter who lived in Georgetown in Washington, DC.
Every day she took a daily walk along the tow path near the Eno Canal.
So when she was killed in a wealthy neighborhood, She had been shot twice in the head and in the back behind the heart.
The police arrived in a heartbeat.
Within 40 minutes, a man named Raymond Crump, Jr. was arrested.
He was found nearby soaking wet and he was black.
Only one woman dared defend him.
Civil rights lawyer, Dubby Roundtree.
Join me as we unravel the story with a crazy twist, because what most people didn't know is that Mary was connected to a very powerful man.
I pledge you that we shall neither commit nor provoke aggression.
John F. Kennedy. Listen to Murder on the Toe -Path with Soledad O 'Brien on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
So what exactly are the consequences of this?
If it isn't already obvious.
Well the first big one is that, well, obviously you're unhappy all the time, which, you know, isn't really great.
It's not how we want to live our lives.
The second though is extreme guilt.
Guilt around the fact that you are unhappy without being able to change the fact that unhappy because you feel too guilty about it.
Now I think this is especially the case if you can recognize that actually you do have quite a lot and that there is a lot for you to be grateful for and you know you have all these things that people themselves admire and are seeking, but you just can't feel good about it.
That's a hard one because rationally you know you have reason to be happy but somewhere deep down you can't be and that's going to create these sensations of frustration with yourself but also the sense that like I'm not grateful enough and so I must be a bad person.
I must be a bad person for not being able to appreciate this.
I think sometimes as well I have this sense that if I don't feel incredibly grateful and happy about what I have somehow that's going to mean it's taken away from me.
Kind of like I'm an ungrateful child.
I don't know I don't know if anyone else feels this way but I remember being a kid and opening like a present at Christmas and I was like oh what is this and I was like not grateful for it and like my granddad like took it away.
Was like well if you're not grateful for things they like you don't deserve them.
And now as an adult I'm like wow that really stuck with me like if I don't feel happy about everything I have I feel extreme guilt because I know someone is doing it a whole lot worse but also then I feel a lot of fear that it's somehow this like cosmic power is gonna come down and take it away from me you know god the universe something it also results in a lot of burnout and perfectionism and procrastination, three horsemen of the productivity apocalypse, if you're constantly pushing yourself for more, if you're constantly erasing the bars, setting a new milestone landmark, setting some new
goal, the thing is, is that it's gonna start feeling more and more like a race.
And it's gonna start having a deeper sense of urgency because your happiness is at stake here.
and you're going to push and push and push yourself until something has to give.
But for you, even when it does give, it's probably not an option for you to rest. It's not an option for you to reevaluate because you have tied so much of your life satisfaction to the fulfillment of goals rather than to the experience of existing.
And it's something I see a lot of people suffer from.
Now the more you find yourself in the cycle as well, the more pessimistic you actually become about the world.
You know, you're constantly raising the bar.
Perhaps you are meeting the bar, then of course raising it, but you are achieving certain things.
And you're still feeling unhappy, and you start to then spiral and think, well, if this doesn't do it, what is?
If I finally have this thing and this wasn't it, At some stage, there's not going to be anything more, or at some stage there's going to be a goal I can't reach, I can't meet.
Does that mean I'm going to be in a perpetual state of misery?
It's a pretty big question to ask yourself, and it's one that's pretty hard to answer and will probably lead to quite a lot of sadness.
So let's talk about the solution.
I took you low there, I took you to a low point.
Let's take us back to the high point.
Gratitude is often the solution people will offer you and it is a pretty brilliant one.
You know, it is strongly and consistently associated with greater happiness.
Many studies including one from, I think it was UC Berkeley found that gratitude can actually physically alter your brain and neural connections, which is just insanely spectacular.
In another study the same university, university California Berkeley recruited 300 participants and asked one third of them to write gratitude letters, one third to write about their deepest thoughts and feelings and another, they didn't ask them to write anything and they did find that those who wrote gratitude letters, they were significantly happier four weeks and 12 weeks after this exercise had ended.
So those results really do speak for themselves but I have also found that sometimes I do need to go deeper to get myself out of this funk, it's not to discredit gratitude as an important practice and of course I think that is the first step to addressing this.
If it doesn't work though what's really helped me get to that next level is actually accepting and in fact celebrating negative emotions as much as I do positive ones.
Which sounds counterintuitive but let me give you my word here.
Let me promise you it works and it's the same principle behind acceptance and commitment therapy, a very common kind of therapy which invites people to open their door to unpleasant feelings instead of feeling trapped by them.
Why do we feel so trapped by being unhappy?
You know, it doesn't feel great, but really what's if we were to look that feeling in the eye, would it really be able to hurt us?
You know, it's kind of counterintuitive, right?
Unpleasant emotions equal bad.
we run away from unpleasant smells, sights, tastes, but here we're meant to run towards it?
Well, yeah, and it works because half the reason unpleasant, uncomfortable emotions feel so bad is because, A, we're scared of them, and that fear makes up more of the unpleasantness than the actual emotion does and, B, when we avoid them, we don't develop the strategies to sit with negative emotions when they do occur which means that when they break through the internal walls that we put up which they will eventually they feel even stronger and worse and that reinforces this initial appraisal and belief that they are bad.
Here's the thing and I'm going to say it again why do we view not being happy all the time as a terrible thing?
You know sure it doesn't feel amazing when it's all the time when it comes to not being able to appreciate hard -earned successes, it is pretty exhausting.
But happiness is not the only important emotion.
Sadness, nostalgia, boredom, confusion, disgust, entrancedment, surprise, relief, romance.
They are all so beautiful.
They're like our mind's children.
They each serve such an important purpose.
So I need you to lean into experiencing every emotion.
Be curious about it.
Think of your life as a very rich tapestry.
You know, if you were happy all the time, that would mean that the tapestry is just one colour.
Let's say it's just yellow.
It's fine. Yellow's a beautiful colour.
But we want blues, we want reds, purples, greens.
Every hue to make it interesting, to make life interesting, to make that tapestry something that's fun to look at.
I have found, and this is the easiest way to gain deeper appreciation for the small things, which is really what we're after here, not just the big things, that when you do appreciate and lean into unhappiness, sadness, disappointment and you really like make it an experience for you, you get better at noticing happiness because all of your energy isn't going towards making sure happiness isn't the only flavor or color.
I think that's really, really important here.
When we struggle with never being happy with what we have I think it's because we believe somehow that we need to always be happy, that we need to always feel fulfilled.
And that's why we are let down by, you know, the lack of satisfaction that sometimes comes from the big things.
Now I introduced a caveat before about that success hangover we've spoken about.
I think this has a another kind of cure and that is to name your enough point and I want to restate that because I know I mentioned it before but I want it to have its own segment in the section.
Before you set a goal, before you decide that something is worthy of achieving or something that you want to work towards, I want you to seriously ask yourself, what would enough look like for you?
Define it before your brain moves the goalpost, write it down please for me what is enough for you what is enough money what are enough friends what is enough in a relationship what is enough in your career what is enough just for right now like obviously it will evolve as you get older but at some point I need you to sit and acknowledge that you have come very very far and that you have achieved many many beautiful things a really beautiful exercise for me and it's one that made me so emotional recently with the book and everything was just thinking if I could have a one -on -one conversation with my
childhood self what would I tell them and what would they just be so ecstatic by and how would they view me and what are the things that they would just never believe even my teenage self there are there is something that you have completed and done and succeeded at that younger version of you would just be like gobsmacked by.
Keep those small achievements that sometimes we don't even appreciate in the moment at the centre of your mind.
Put them somewhere where you can think about them, read them, view them because I don't want us to be...I don't want us to be in the game of forgetting because we're constantly trying to push ourselves further.
Sometimes I think that there is this fear of being happy because we think that well if I was happy I wouldn't be able to push myself anymore.
I think it's particularly common amongst high achievers, people who really push themselves.
There's this cruel thing that we've realized at some stage that if you dislike yourself and if you are dissatisfied perpetually in a state of dissatisfaction Well then you're constantly going to be in a state of trying to get out of that state, right?
Like, if you are unhappy, if you are trying to prove something, that's great motivation for you.
Being happy and content.
Well, we think sometimes that would mean that we would become lazy, that's not true.
I'm in a study that found that people who are more fulfilled, content and satisfied with day life are actually almost 27 % more productive in their day to day lives.
So it's not something to be afraid of.
You're not going to lose your motivation.
You're not going to lose your efficiency and your productive edge.
Another thing that's been very, very helpful for me and for other people that I've spoken to as well, when dealing with this happiness conundrum is to start a weird ritual instead of constantly focusing on what you could have and what you could achieve, start something that has nothing to do with any of those things.
I heard about this recently from the author Michael Naughton, who wrote the book The Ritual Effect.
And essentially what he says is that when you focus on something other than what you want or what you have and instead focus on something that you can do and can enjoy, our lives get significantly better.
Some of the ideas for a ritual he had, and this is my favorite one, was to do mini versions of what you would do on a vacation.
So go to the local pool, make yourself like a budget version of that holiday cocktail you loved, commit to maybe doing a touristy thing in your city each weekend.
Or you can get into the ritual of hosting an event once a month for friends.
I do this, it's amazing.
One of my friends I've seen this on TikTok does like a coffee shop in her house once a month.
I do like a games art themed night once a month, you know, you just need to get involved in the act of doing rather than achieving.
You know who some of the happiest and most content people are in the world?
It's those who are grounded in doing rather than having.
One group I always think of, hobbyists.
Not professionals, not competitive hobbyists, just hobbyists, people who like bird watching, people who like reading, rock climbers.
Like, what's another one?
Like cyclists, like those people seem so happy because they just enjoy doing something that gets them out of their mind and that there is very limited competition in, especially if you're just doing it for the joy of it, doing it for their own sense of love and attachment and excitement with the thing.
So if you are struggling with this happiness treadmill, you're not happy with what you have, you're constantly looking for more, I need you to take a step back right now.
I need you to take a step back, survey your life.
When was the last time you did something just for the joy of it?
Like, seriously ask yourself, when was the last time you looked at your to do list and said, I'm not going to do any of that today, I'm actually going to go and do something fun, something I want to do.
Maybe that's your ritual.
A day of no to -do lists a day a week where there is nothing planned you just get to dilly dally and dawdle and explore and experience.
Okay, we're going to take another short break, but when we return, I want to talk about some of the amazing listener questions that you guys had on this topic.
So, stay tuned. Chat GBT Plus is free for college students now through May.
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Here's the other reason I've been really over shaving.
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I'm Soledad O 'Brien.
And on my podcast, Murder on the Towpath, I'm taking you back to the nineteen sixties.
Mary Pinchot Meyer was a painter who lived in Georgetown in Washington, D .C.
every day she took a daily walk along the towpath near the E &O Canal.
so when she was killed in a wealthy neighborhood...
She had been shot twice, in the head and in the back, behind the heart.
The police arrived in a heartbeat.
Within 40 minutes, a man named Raymond Crump Jr. was arrested.
He was found nearby, soaking wet, and he was black.
Only one woman dared defend him, civil rights lawyer, Dubbie Roundtree.
Join me as we unravel this story with a crazy twist. Because what most people didn't know was that Mary was connected to a very powerful man.
I pledge you that we shall neither commit nor provoke aggression.
John F. Kennedy. Listen to Murder on the Towpath with Soledad O 'Brien on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Okay, it's time for everyone's favorite segment.
And I'll listen to questions.
This first question, which I love and which we haven't spoken about very much at all in this topic so far is, what is the impact of consumerism?
A huge, huge point that I'm so glad you brought up so I didn't accidentally miss it.
I blame consumerism for quite a bit of this, specifically when it comes to not being happy with, obviously, material goods.
The current climate that we live in, the current society that we live in, is obsessed with quantity, and with having more, and with displaying wealth through the new shiny object, the new trending item, the new viral item.
This is going to maybe upset some people, but oh, my gosh.
The thing that always frustrates me whenever I'm on Instagram or TikTok is people who are like, you need this viral dress in every single color, you need this new item, like here's my, you know, insane clothing haul, let's refresh my apartment for Easter or for spring and go and buy all this new stuff, like here is this life -changing product, I'm like, oh my goodness, you don't need that, you don't need these things.
Like, I'm sure it makes these people very, very happy.
But like we said at the beginning, consuming too much of that content is what can contribute to struggling to be happy with what you have, because there's constantly going to be someone who has more and there's also, you know, given, given that social media is now a job, this person is trying, and a lot of individuals online are trying to get you to buy these things.
and trying to sell you something, if not directly, indirectly, through themselves as a brand, let me just say this.
We definitely don't need as much as is being sold to us.
And if you're not careful enough, you will end up buying into this narrative that having this item, having this new thing is going to make you happy, leaning to perpetual dissatisfaction.
You know, consumer culture is built on the idea that what we currently own or experience isn't enough and that buying something will make us happier.
It's how impulse spending, chronic overspending, chronic shopping addictions occur.
It's identity and the pursuit of happiness through possessions.
Equating what we have to how we should be feeling.
So I think there is definitely a large intersection between consumerist culture and also dissatisfaction and not being happy with what you have. This next question has to do with body image.
So if this is something that you're sensitive to, skip ahead a couple of minutes.
But how does never being happy with what we have tie into physical appearance?
This is a component we haven't spoken about yet, but never being happy with what we have doesn't just come down to achievements or material possessions, it can also come down to how we perceive ourselves and how we perceive our bodies.
This is again, I think, symptomatic of the society we live in.
The idea of the perfect body is constantly changing and yet we are expected to mold our appearance into whatever shape, form, size image that is meant to be right now.
That's not possible.
You know, think about it, like, you cannot add height, add inches, immediately take off 30 kilos, and then put it back on when it comes back in style, like, our bodies are becoming these, you know, becoming just something that is only made to be viewed and made to be shaped and formed and molded into a trend and it's not our fault for for buying into it because when you meet the trend it feels like you're doing something right.
It feels like you'll be praised more.
People will think you're beautiful, perhaps you'll you know experience a bit of pretty privilege, some perks, who doesn't want that?
But this is a reminder that again, your body is not a trend and if you're struggling with being happy with your appearance and just being happy with and content with where you are now, I think it's time to probably tune out some of the sources of this lack of satisfaction.
I'm just going to say it.
Unfollow the Kardashians, please, and thank you.
They are such a representative of this.
But also, unfollow certain pages, Instagram feeds, TikToks, block content that is going to make you feel like you need to opt into this and remember to add some realism into what you're consuming filters and um the technology we have nowadays mean that the person who's filming or you know displaying this video probably doesn't even look like them themselves and also even if they do someone else's beauty does not mean that you don't have beauty as well.
You know there's not like objectively one flower that is the most beautiful, or one dog, or one cat, or one horse that is the most beautiful and because they're beautiful it means that nothing else and no one else to no other option has value like this all -or -nothing thinking when it comes to beauty specifically someone else's appearance can get us into a lot trouble.
Obviously, I need a lot more time to talk about this, but I do think that it's important to point out that this definitely applies.
We could even talk about body dysmorphia here, but I've done a whole episode on that.
If this specific intersection between never being happy with what you have and physical appearance is calling to you and something you want to hear about, listen to the body dysmorphia episode.
All right, this next question, how do I stop treating life as a checklist, and feeling like if I'm not taking things off the list I am not allowed to be happy?" Gosh, is this not the biggest question that so many of us face in our 20s.
I was talking to someone about this at a book event the other day and I was like, wow, it just feels like every single one of us is running out of time to do the millions of different things that people have told we need to do in our 20s when actually some of them are not even compatible.
It's like, well you need to do solo travel, you need to solo travel but you also should have kids before you turn 30.
And you need to date around and experience like different kinds of love but also you should have a partner.
And you need to figure out your career and have a stable career progression but also let loose a little bit.
The checklist, oh my God, it's so intense sometimes.
What I will say is this.
The best thing you can do for yourself is just to choose something you really want to do and pursue it and to just find a way to incorporate experiences you actually want to have along the way.
Don't get too caught up in what everyone else is doing and whether that's going to make you happy.
Trust your intuition.
There are certain things that probably won't make you happy and that you probably can skip over and for the things that you might actually really think that you'll enjoy.
You have time to experience them.
Our twenties are not the only decade in which we have time, space, energy, resources to do the things we want to do.
In fact, the older we get, we probably will be making more money.
We'll probably have more flexibility when it comes to checking off some important bucket list items for ourselves.
So just because you are not where you are right now, just because you haven't done everything that you've wanted to do this far doesn't mean it's not going to happen.
If you checked everything off the checklist now, before your life has even really begun, what's there left to do?
It's important to actually take your time, appreciate the journey.
All right, we have time for one final question.
How does never being happy with what we have relate to tall poppy syndrome?
Does tall poppy syndrome come into play?
So this is an Australian phrase for my non -australian listeners.
It's one of my favorite phrases.
Essentially, what it means is that the tallest flowers are the ones that are cut down first. When someone is going to make a bouquet, when someone wants some fresh flowers, they can choose the ones that stick out.
So when it comes to human beings or people, if you are too open and honest and brash with your success and your accomplishments, you're gonna be cut down, you're gonna stick out from the herd, you're gonna be taken down for that.
It's a huge thing in Australia, it's probably a big thing in other countries that just might have other terms. I think this comes into play with never being happy with what you have because sometimes you're taught to downplay your successes and downplay your achievements to not piss people off.
You know, there is a fine line to walk here between humility and also confidence and being like, you know what, I really, I am cool and I do cool things and I am proud of myself.
Tall Poppy Syndrome can make you feel like I need to be small for other people's sake, but also to protect myself.
What I say to this is that personal acknowledgement and personal pride in what you're doing goes a long way.
I also, and you know what, I'm going to say it, you can brag about yourself.
Brag a little, it's okay.
The people who really support you will be so proud of you.
Any time one of my friends comes with me with good news or what they think is a brag, I'm so fricking pumped for them.
Being proud of yourself openly is such a good litmus test for understanding who is really on your side and who sees your achievements and your accomplishments and the cool things you're doing as a win for them because they get to be in your presence.
So I don't think it's arrogant to sometimes just say, I work really hard. I do cool stuff.
I'm creative, I'm kind, I'm generous.
That's not ego, that's confidence, and I think there's time, there's a time and a place for it, and if we always suppress everything and keep it hidden.
Perhaps we will fall into this dissatisfaction, trap or that success void that we were speaking about.
Well, my lovely listeners, I think that is truly all we have time for today.
We have covered oh so much and I hope you enjoyed this episode.
Make sure to check out my book, Person in Progress, and check out the companion episode to this episode on mantra.
It's titled, I Allow Myself to be Happy with What I Have. If you want more affirmations and more inspiration to commit to just being satisfied with the little things and with what you've achieved so far, I feel like that episode is gonna be amazing for that.
If you have further episode suggestions, we are always on the hunt for great ideas.
Feel free to DM me on Instagram, at that psychology podcast. we also post a listener question box once a week for our upcoming episodes which is where we got the questions for today's episode from.
So if you want to contribute and hear your question in an episode in an upcoming episode, again make sure you're following me.
And hey hello if you have made it this far I'm talking to you, you're one of the lucky ones.
Our emoji for this week that I want you to drop in the comments below if you have made it this far is a broccoli stem.
I the thing on the top of my list was broccoli so you guys are clued in on that drop a broccoli down below if you've made it this far thank you for listening until next time stay safe be kind most importantly be happy be gentle to yourself celebrate your accomplishments know when enough is enough and we will talk very very soon Chat GBT Plus is free for college students now through May.
That means you have no limits on how many ways you can prompt Chat GBT to help you through the worst parts of the school year.
I remember when I was studying at university, I had a lecturer tell me the best way to prep for an exam was to explain the concept as if you are teaching it to yourself and with Chat you can upload your class notes and have Chat GBT quiz you just like that and honestly it would have been a game -changer for me when I was back at college.
So Chat GBT plus, free for college students through May, restrictions apply.
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These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration.
This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any disease.
I'm Soledad O 'Brien and on my new true crime podcast, Murder on the Towpath, I'm taking you back to 1964 to the cold case of artist Mary Pinsho Meyer.
She had been shot twice, in the head and in the back.
It turns out Mary was connected to a very powerful man.
I pledge you that we shall neither commit nor promote aggression.
John F. Kennedy. Listen to Murder on the Towpath with Soledad O 'Brien on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcast. You're listening to an I Heart podcast.
