One of the most challenging aspects of beginning your healing journey, or your growth journey, is that eventually, you need to make fundamental decisions regarding your relationships.
You need to boundary up, to reorganize and sort people, but that is easier said than done because we are human.
And some of our relationships, even the ones that are killing us, have been there for so long that they've become a part of our identity.
And yes, you can decide to just cut everybody off and start afresh somewhere new.
That's your prerogative and that's fine.
But that isn't always possible and may not necessarily be the best course of action in every situation.
So how do you ensure that your relationships still align with your healing self when cutting them off isn't an option, or isn't the answer for you?
I want to make this very clear.
This message is for people who are actively doing the work to care for themselves, not for people who are looking for excuses to stay in terrible relationships.
Are we clear?
Okay, let's get into it. before you even do anything, you need to sit down and examine yourself.
I've talked about having a personal creed so many times.
What are your non-negotiables?
What are your needs in relationships?
This includes all types, not just romantic ones.
What kinds of behaviors and environments overwhelm you?
What kinds of behaviors and environments bring you joy?
Why?
Why do you gravitate towards certain types of people?
Who do you gravitate towards?
Write all these things down because you need them for your boundaries.
Now, make a list of these people whom you are currently conflicted about.
There are two things you need to be honest about.
One, how important are they to you?
Think big picture, not from a place of brokenness or lack, but genuinely.
What does this person on a whole mean to me, mean to you?
And two, will losing them hurt you more than it will heal you?
Stay with me on this.
The thing about cutting people off is that, in almost every case, you will also be cutting off some love.
Whatever love they are capable of giving and showing, and that's okay.
This is why I respect everyone's authority over their own lives.
I can sit here and tell you to go cut them off, but I don't know the intricacies of your life.
You know your history more than anyone else.
So base your answers on facts and not what other people think is true or should be true.
You are the only one that knows the context of your relationship with these people.
Once you have that, set a baseline by defining your exact relationship with each person.
Sometimes the reason we suffer so much in our relationships is because we are trying to make a circle, a triangle.
We expect everyone to be everything for us at the same time.
So when they do not meet up to those expectations, we lash out.
We are disappointed, we are angry.
Objectively look at these people and determine their capacity.
See people for who they are, not who you want them to be.
In every situation, even in healthy relationships, see people for who they are.
That's why those two questions you answered earlier are very important.
Keeping them around can only work if you can be objective about their nature or at least about who they have shown themselves to be.
If you can't see yourself long-term being able to work with it in some capacity, you might want to go back to the drawing board.
I'll give you a very relatable example.
Many of us won't or cannot cut off our parents for a bucket full of reasons, even if they are the ones that hurt us the most.
Now you will continue to suffer endlessly if you keep seeking a healthy, supportive parent-child relationship as an adult from a parent who never gave it to you as a child and isn't doing the work to give it to you now.
If you decide to keep them in your life, you must change their role in your life.
There is no other way.
And it's painful and disappointing at first, but by reassigning roles you are managing expectations and saving yourself further heartache.
KFC does not sell gourmet meals.
If you go there for one, you'll be disappointed.
After this, it's time to set out your boundaries.
There are two massive misconceptions about boundaries.
One is that they are there for people to respect and two is that they are there to keep people out.
Your boundaries aren't for other people.
They are for you, for you to make, keep and honour.
And they exist to not only keep you safe but to keep people in, the right people.
The only person who can break your boundaries is you.
I'll say it again.
The only person who can break your boundaries is you, because they are not.
This is what you should or shouldn't do.
They are, this is what I will accept.
This is what I am comfortable with.
This is what I will do.
When someone does A B, C or D, It is your duty to uphold your boundaries so people can't break them because it has nothing to do with them.
You can only control your own behavior.
When you stick to your personal boundaries, you'll find that the people in your life will automatically align with them.
Are we clear on boundaries?
Okay, so now how do we apply them here?
In determining your boundaries, work with your nature and not against it.
Remember the things you wrote down earlier about yourself, use them here.
Instead of waiting to get to a point of no return, you might want to communicate your style from the get-go.
Set expectations about your behavior early on.
If you won't be picking up calls or chatting with them past a certain time, let them know.
Start with I sentences.
Oh, I don't pick calls past 9pm or before 9am.
It's not about them, it's about you.
If they say why, be like, yeah, I just rest, you know.
It has nothing to do with them.
I don't go to such and such places.
I don't enjoy talking about such and such, etc.
So even if they call you at 1am, you're not complaining and whining.
You just don't pick.
For me, this also looks like taking some conversations completely off the table in certain relationships.
They know what I think.
I have an idea what they think.
But I've found that it's pointless and damaging to engage in further conversations about it.
So, unlike before, when I was losing hair over trying to find common ground with them, now I just observe when it comes up.
You know, I honour my boundaries by not uttering a word until it passes.
While this can be uncomfortable at first for both of you, it helps in the long run.
And also it gives the other person a chance to decide if they want to participate.
What if they don't want that kind of relationship?
So it gives them a chance too.
Also, these things can change over time.
You might get closer.
You may learn so much more about each other, you know, and then things begin to soften.
You may find out that you actually dislike each other so much that you decide that it's not working.
Who knows?
You never know.
And this is a perfect segue into the next point, which is to build and utilize a friendship scale.
Your most meaningful adult personal relationships will be built on friendship.
This will include your relationship with your parents, your caretakers, your lovers and or romantic partners and everybody else.
Remember what I mentioned earlier about reassigning roles.
This is how you do it.
Friendship scales allow you to map out what stage of intimacy you actually share with a person.
Group people in your life into strangers acquaintances, casual friends friends, close friends, deep friends.
Sit down and do this.
Listen, this has nothing to do with their relationship with you on paper.
A lot of parents are strangers to their kids and vice versa.
A lot of people are in romantic relationships with their enemy.
So really focus on friendship here.
By identifying where people fall on this scale, you are able to set healthy expectations for yourself.
What do I bring to a close friendship that I am not willing to do for casual friends?
For me, the higher we go on the scale, the less people you find on it, because friendships require commitment, intention and care.
With how much time I need to recharge myself and center myself.
It's impossible to show the same level of commitment at every stage.
There are certain parts of me reserved for my deep friends and no one else.
While this might seem cold or robotic to some people, it's a way of successfully managing my energy so that the people who mean the most to me get the best of me.
The amount of people who give their worst selves to the people they supposedly love the most is crazy.
With a friendship skill, you can promote, demote and move people around.
If you apply these things, it should be easier to relate to these people without causing further damage to yourself.
But in addition to it, you also need to actively seek your tribe.
The kinds of relationship you want and dream about, you have to seek them.
And before you come at me with, there's no one out there, pal.
Oh my God, I tell you there's no people.
Listen, listen.
If you exist, people like you exist.
You are not alone.
But you have to put yourself out there actively.
It's scary and exposing, but so is everything worth it.
When we are younger, we make friends with people in our class, in our school, in our whatever community that you had to go to your parents had to take you to.
You made friends there.
But as adults, if you want genuine, fulfilling relationships, you can no longer rely on convenience.
You can't rely on connections of convenience.
Go on friendship dates.
They might suck, but you might strike gold.
Who knows?
If you have siblings, try to get to know them as human beings.
The amount of people who expect their siblings to like them just because they are family is astonishing.
Put in the effort to build relationships with the people in your life.
Strike up conversations in a bookstore, in a cafe.
If that's your thing, you never know.
Having a tribe will help build chosen connections that will ground you and speak life into you.
Outside of these ones, you're still figuring out.
Okay?
You've got this.
And since this is the last day of the 30-day daily sharing sprint, I just want to say thank you for being here, for watching and for sharing this space with me.
Do not panic.
We are not done.
Just settling into a slower rhythm now.
I'll be posting weekly from here every Sunday.
But this print meant so much to me and I hope he has given you something to hold on to.
As always, it's been an absolute pleasure.
My name is Pearl Girl and I'll see you in the next video.
