Hey friends, Robin here. And guess what? The letter of the day is R because I'm here
with Rosie and we are joined by Rungin who is the clinician here at Headspace and we have
some big questions today. We're going to be answering ones about improving communications
with the partner and one about how to work on processing grief. And we also have a question
about trying to get over angry feelings from being forced to be a mom at a young age. So these
are all really important questions. I think we should just get right to it. Have you ever
wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial? Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice. Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit with a meditation teacher and we answer your questions.
All right, our power ladies, how are we doing today? How is everybody going with? Yeah, great. I'm
so excited to be here with you, Renshen. This is like such a... I'm so excited. This is great. I love
this little trifecta. I know me too. I got a little cold that I'm bringing the energy in here. So
I got a little like gravely like not cute to me more voice. So that's me. I like it. I think
you sound great all up. No. Well, I'm going to tell you guys, I am so thankful to have this very
powerful trio here today because we have important questions and they're sometimes a little bit
intense that we need to answer. So we are going to start off with our first question from Elari.
Okay, here we go. Hi, this is Elari from Italy. So my question is about communication
because me and my boyfriend lately we're having some trouble because I think we have two very
different kind of sensitivity and I feel a lot and when I try to tell him how I feel,
he doesn't always react that well like once he said I was ridiculous and that it was nonsense
and this kind of stuff. Most of the times we make up because then he says, yeah, I didn't
really mean that you said it in the wrong time. You know, he says, sorry, I'm weak of all.
But we've fallen into a loop because I do remember that he said these things. I guess my question is,
how do I communicate better, how I feel without feeling guilty about it. Also, we thought
putting too much pressure on the other person to understand me. Thank you for the great work you do. Bye.
Oh, thank you so much for this question, Elari. There's a lot to unpack in this.
Right out of the gate, she's asking about how she can communicate better, which I think,
you know, we all should be working on communicating better. However, I heard and I'm curious you two
lots of other stuff in there that didn't feel like necessarily her fault. So I would love to hear
what your thoughts are, Rosie and Rogen. I mean, for me, just what I'm hearing, the same thing that
you heard, Robin, I mean, communicating with people. It's so much of how we establish a connection with
the people that we care about, you know, communication. People always say communication is key. And so
it does sound like it's not entirely her fault. And I think that that's where our innate response
is to be reactive. Anyway, that's what it is for me. If I'm having a discussion with somebody or
if I'm having an argument, I don't actually remember where I read this. But in terms of mindful
communication, you know, there's always like this sort of red light yellow light green light
metaphor. It's like the red light is your defensive reactions, which is innately what we
get to, right? The minute that we're having an argument about something, already, I'm feeling
like I need to justify myself. I need to establish my defense because my response needs to come
first. I'm right. You know, that kind of thing. And what I think Alaria is doing is more of this,
she's being very proactive. Yeah, proactive. She's being aware. She's being conscious. She's
kind of being in this yellow light state, right? Where you're in between and you're being
hyper aware of what the other person is doing, observing whether they're open or closed.
And then the green light being the openness of the experience, you're listening, you're
paying attention, you're communicating well and you're able to express how you feel. There's a
sense of ease and there's a sense of responsiveness. Now, all those states are implying that both
people are wanting the same thing. Yeah, they're wanting to achieve a sense of communication.
And it's like what happens when the other person is not receptive? What do you do? Yeah, that's
good because she does mention that the partner apologizes, but what I didn't love about it was that
you just said it wrong kind of part of it. But there could be, I don't think English is Alaria's
first language. So it could be there could be a translation issue there. So I don't want to make
any assumptions about her partner, but you go ahead, Rangin. One thing that stood out was, and it's
very common that I've heard is like the partner saying it's at the wrong time that you said it.
And I don't think communication happens in the wrong time. I think the part of it, which
beautifully rose, you explained the red, yellow and green light was, what about also the fact that
emotionally, we're not right there. It is possible that we are so emotionally fueled by it
that sometimes we don't kind of understand the context in a complete sense.
Yeah. And so it can be lost in translation when we talk about communication, we think like the
minute the word fall out of my mouth, the other person has to sit there and like respond. Sometimes
it's, I mean, I have found this really helpful is I might come in with an energy and then I pass and
be like, Hey, I have a question or this is how I'm feeling. Do you have time? I have to chat with you
for a minute. Well, that's great. And I think sometimes that is important because like if we are
in a world where both the partners are hit with some bad news that is bringing in different reactions
into them, it can be transferred on to the other person without it being intentional. Yeah. So it
could be that, you know, Eloria is struggling with something she comes in with that energy,
but her partner probably is having another side of it. Yeah. And so sometimes you're asking that,
if it's just this small part of like, Hey, can I ask you like, I have to share something with you,
is it a good time? I know you always talk about like, it's not a good time or a bad time and that's
open communication, but also how is it receiving on the other end? I think you're both touching on
the thing that struck me in the question, which is communications are two way street. You can do
all the work in the world, but you need to make sure your partner is committed to the communication
as well, getting buy in from your partner and making sure because if there isn't buy in,
I don't know. I think that's a really unfair position for you to be in to have to be working on
your side of communication as if you are the only person that's causing the problem. Yeah. And also,
I think Robin to add to that is to create an environment of compassion and understanding. Yeah.
You know, I think that's part of it too. It's like, if one person is willing to communicate and
the other person isn't, can we arrive at an agreement by creating an environment of compassion?
Yeah. And like boundaries, what are your boundaries? I'd love to, you know, that we're talking
about kind of like buy wins. Like maybe now it's not the best time to talk, but okay, when you're
done with this giant work project later today, could we talk about it then? Yeah. And just I think
to understanding your partner and their ways of communicating, and we all have different
communication languages, right? There's different ways. Even the red, light yellow, light green light,
you know, red means stop, green means go, yellow, some people speed up, some, some people slow down.
So, so I think there's a little bit of finessing that awareness of okay, most of the time when
my partner is behaving this way, it means it's not a good time. And maybe there's another way,
you know, a better time to approach them or would they be less frustrated if, if instead,
I brought this up earlier in the day or later in the day, you know, it just, I think it just takes
some getting to know what the communication style is, but also establishing your own boundaries.
And you know, having your partner respect that as well. Yeah. But I actually think it's very brave
of Alaria in, in wise to be bringing this conversation to us because being in a long-term
relationship, if you're locked in like a behavioral loop, where it's just a hop, skipping a jump to,
you always do this. And it's like no good comes from always and never or means you're triggered.
And you're usually in the past. So it's like I'm making a pitch for, you know, we're sitting with
a headspace clinician right now for talking to a person, like a couple's person or, you know,
because sometimes it's just you need to learn how to talk to one another. You like, you need a
mediated person to teach you how to communicate in a fair way. Or even to give you a zoomed out
perspective of what is exactly going on, then have like, you know, getting lost in the woods.
And I think like one thing that I do really like in communication is to start with is like even
setting five minutes at the end of the day to check in. Oh, I like that. How are you feeling?
How was your day? No, that's really, that's really great. I mean, there's just, it's so funny
because it's one of those things like you think it should be so intuitive and it's just not
in a lot of levels and couples. Yeah. I agree. All right. So thank you so much for that question.
Let's move on to our next question. Here we go. Hello, Robin and teacher guest. So my question
relates to me having a child at a very young age. And I didn't want to have this child. I feel like
I was forced. And it's been a long time, almost two decades since that happened. But I never really
got over that. And for all of these years, I've been trying to be as best of a mother as I can be.
But at the same time, I haven't wanted to be a mother. So I've always felt like I'm living a life that
I never wanted. It wasn't even due to like beliefs against abortion or anything like that. But
my mother didn't let me have one because she felt that if I got one, I would blame her for the rest
of my life for for making me have an abortion. When in reality, I blame her for forcing me to have
a child. So what advice do you have for me to finally reconcile after all of these years,
the reality of my life and what I actually wanted for myself? Thank you.
Wow, I feel like we all need to just take a deep breath for our friend who just called in with
that question. That's just that's a very big question. And it's just there's so much in here. And
I want to say it from my heart, thank you so much for sharing this question with us. I mean,
I know when I'm going through something, it can feel like a burden, it can feel scary, and I can
feel very alone. And so to reach out for help for yourself, I think is so important. And I don't
know, I have to believe that just by asking the question, you're going to be helping other folks who
may feel similarly. So I just wanted to say that. But what do you all thoughts? Where we start on
this question? I mean, just kudos to everything that you you said, Robin. I mean, it's such a brave
thing to come out and say that, you know, to be able to express how you're feeling, especially
as a parent, especially as a parent. Because nobody, nobody, if you even intimate that you don't like
your kid, like that, the whipping head of other parents that you receive, because it's just,
we don't live in a culture where it's okay to be like, sometimes my kids drive me crazy.
We don't live in that culture. Yeah, I think that there's a lot of shame and even guilt in that
admission or parents, you know, have such a hard, and I'm not a parent, obviously, you know, but I
can speak to this knowing having friends that were pregnant when I was in high school, right? Like,
there was a lot of teen pregnancies. I mean, I had a little sister that was born my sophomore
year. So I was 15 and I was her main caretaker because my mom worked. So I didn't have a life.
And I remember even at that time feeling resentful at having to take care of this child, you know,
and it made me not want to have kids, right? For a very long time. You know, I was like, nope,
I did it. I raised my little sister. I'm good. I don't need to have this process. It's so stressful.
It's so much work. And I think that, you know, for me, culturally in in his panic culture,
that's like choosing to not have a child is not as really frowned upon, right? Like I was raised
Catholic. So it's a sin. You know, like, there's so much cultural pressure wrapped up in those
decisions. And I think that there's so much pressure. It sounds so much familial pressure, you know,
from her mom trying to protect her, which in turn had her make a decision that ultimately she
feels like she may regret in some way, shape or form. And her reflection on had I not done this,
I would be better off, right? So there's no knowing she could have done it and also been regretting
that moment. Yeah. So I really, I really feel like, you know, from a mindfulness perspective,
we're dwelling on the past. We're not able to enjoy the present moment because we're thinking of
what could have been, how my life could be different, especially if I'm not in a good state right
now. I'm thinking about, oh, I made this bad decision. I should have done this. We start
shooting all over ourselves. And you know, my teacher always says, don't shoot all over yourself.
And it's true because it just creates these unknown scenarios that there is there is no knowing.
We don't know. It's always that other scenario that you didn't choose was perfect. Exactly.
Which it may not be. It may not be. You know, it's like, I think the fact of the matter is,
this person is struggling right now. And we all struggle. And I think it's really important for
her to acknowledge that and to call it what it is and to say the things that people don't want you
to say. Like, yeah, maybe I regret having this child. And it's hard. It's hard being a parent right
now. I have no, I'm not a parent, but I have a little sister and I have nieces and nephews. And
I'll tell you right now, like, I tip my hat to all of the parents out there because it is hard
to be a parent. It is so hard. I can't even imagine. A, your absolute right is freaking hard.
Renginal back me up on this. B, it's almost like there's two things happening in the question.
Like this first part is whether it be a shame or regret or grief or whatever. I don't want to
put any words on their feelings, but like there's stuff that's going on that maybe needs to be
cleared out. And then there's the now what? First thing, I will back you up, Robin. It is hard to be a
mom. Hard to be a parent. Oh my god. Every single minute. And I think it is back to whether you
think you're ready to be a parent or it just happens or someone else takes the decision for you.
It's like a 360 degree change in your life. And it isn't easy in its own way with the mental
health challenges that come with it. But at the same time, it can feel as though, you know,
what I'm hearing from the listener is feeling that helpless helplessness in terms of I wasn't given
the opportunity to decide about my life. Yeah. And that can bring a lot of grief, a lot of sadness,
and definitely some form of anger. Yeah. That's a really good point. And then, you know, in therapy,
we we talk about something called as like radical acceptance. As we talk about like sometimes,
we do have people who don't create the problems. And they still have to deal with all the
difficult situations. And what comes with it is radical acceptance. Accepting that this is,
it is what it is and what focusing on the urine now, the present moment and focusing on what can
I do from here for myself to take care of myself. And from a cultural perspective, like I'm a
South Asian. Yes, not having kids is not an option. And without recognizing that there is so much
with the world and the way the world is working right now, the social support is so less for a
working parent. Yeah. And recognizing that there isn't much of a community that is non-judgmental
there where they are willing to like hold you and say, Hey, it's okay. It's fine. Let's let's
fight this together. And so it can feel like I want to have that kind of communication and I want
to kind of openly talk about it, but it can also feel like I just feel helpless at all times.
You know, I feel this weight of this person of this child that I'm holding and somewhere I lost
a different track of my life. Yeah. Parenting as a choice, like when you were like, I can't wait
to be a mom. And it's still the most difficult thing I've ever done in my entire life. But I chose
it. I actively had to jump through a lot of hoops to make my family. Yeah, it's still very hard
and there's times where you're like, what did I do? I say that with the most love. You know,
like I just mean I ever would take it back or want to change it, but I got to choose it.
So like there has to be a reckoning of the fact that a choice was taken from you and to move
through that before you can even do the what is now. I also want to add that I love to play devil
that with it. So I look at it as like if I'm looking from a mom's perspective who coming from a
generational point of view, right? Like where decisions were taken. There's a generation where like
they would always take this decisions because that is the thought process that you don't know better,
which isn't the case. But that is how that generation functioned. So they were just aligning to
what they knew about their generation and how they were raised and what parenting at that time
looks like. I know in today's world it is more about like gentle parenting and all that.
And that in itself is also hard. Right? Like because now you have to mind your own emotions
before you can talk to your toddler in your case. But I'm just saying that sometimes even looking
from that perspective is holding that anger towards your own parent. How is that helping you and
how is that benefiting you and pausing and asking yourself that what that parent did at that point
and was probably what they learned probably it was a cultural pressure probably it was a social
pressure does not make that parent weak either. It was just that they wanted to protect their child
and that's all. Yeah. I think all the time about what my kids are going to be saying about me when
like as they're older. And I hope that they say that we did the best that we could with what we
had at the time. Like you always hope as a parent that that's what they're going to say that.
That's such a powerful thing even to just think that like you know my parents were not they didn't
do the greatest of jobs but they did what they could and they did their best. I'm not saying it
could have been better of course it could have been better they could have done a better job. But
they did what they could in the time that they did and I'm so grateful for what my experience was
because it's built the person that I am today. And and I love who I am because of it you know and
and I've learned so much from them and I think I love that perspective too. It's like to have
compassion for her mom right it's like she she did what she thought was best and ultimately it
could have should have would have we waste so much time on what could have been or what should have
happened instead of just saying like these were the decisions that I made because we did make a
decision and I think at this point what is the best course of action the best course of action is
to feel supported and to feel like you can continue your life in a way that's going to be the best
possible route for you right it's like taking your child and your mom out of the equation
what is the best thing that you can do for yourself right now and I'll tell you that thinking about
the past and projecting into the future is not is not it right it's like what can you do for yourself
to get yourself through this moment in time yeah well no matter what I just again I just want to
reiterate what I said at the top and thank you so much for sending us this question you are brave
you are loved and you are part of a community of people who are out here supporting you
and you are not alone I think that is the most important thing like even folks like us who chose it
we still struggle and it's still hard and not enough people talk about it so don't take that on
we're with you okay we will be right back
okay we've got one more question from Rowena here we go
hi headspace my name is Rowena and I'm from the UK I've gone through some difficult losses this year
I've lost my catch the cancer and I've lost my granddad the following month I've been listening to
your podcast which would really help me especially the grief podcasts and also been in touch with
UK charities that have helped me I was wondering do you have any third advice that I could take on
please also to help me and to help my husband who does grieve in a different way thank you
oh Rowena we're sending you love and you know it's it's hard to lose people but it's also hard
to lose our pets like they're like little members of our families so we're sending you love and I
was thinking about unfortunately sometimes it's like it's time but I was thinking about when my mom
passed away and like I tried to to do list my way through grief like I was like I will write down
my feelings I will journal go to yoga and I you know suddenly I'm like sobbing in yoga class and
it's just like I couldn't I couldn't to do list it away because it took time and I had to just process
it yeah there's no one size fits all to grieving you know grief is our natural human response
and it's different you know for different people you know losing a job grieving a pet grieving a
loved one I think it just really depends on how you process things I'm a big fan of therapy I
always talk about it I mean for me talking to somebody always helps I know Rob and you you like
to write that's part of your process I think for me understanding that grief is not something that
just passes it's more something that just becomes a part of your life in a way you know some
some people like to have the finality of grief as something that comes in and then goes away other
people like to not deal they're a little bit more avoidant with it because they don't know how to
process those feelings and or you're the type of person that can grieve incrementally like for me
I feel like you know I was really close to my wellita you know my little grandma that passed away
you know I talked to her every week she's been in my life my entire life and so I'd randomly
just some some memory might come in where all of a sudden I just start crying yeah you know I have
a dream about her and or I'm I hear a song or I'm looking at the hummingbirds like it's just so
random and I could be totally like laughing haha like everything's great and then the next moment
I'm just like crying and and I think that that's part of it you know um but you know it's interesting
about that Rosie though is like I just had this experience like this morning I keep getting served
this like Instagram ad it's like a like a little hammock that you put on your car window for cats
and I was like good lord my dad would have loved that because he trained his cat to drive in
car on long trips with him but I had this thought that just came to me that like they're still with me
like my dad is still with me because I'm thinking of him in these moments and I'm like oh I wish
she was here I would I would get on Amazon so fast to send him that stupid little cat hammock
but it's like that they are still with us and it's like that's the first time that I've not missed
them in that moment like one of my parents yeah in grief is temporary in love is eternal the love
that you have for the person or your pet is gonna live forever I mean I think that the hardest
heartbreak is that you're trying to like squeeze the love of two people into one heart right so I
think that that's the process that hurts the most because it's like there's so much love there
that it hurts that it's no longer being carried by the other and so I think that talking about it
is really helpful and also just I'm gonna touch just a tad on what she said at the end
how her partner grieves differently and I think there's room there for understanding and kindness
and compassion as well because for me you know I would see how my entire family we all lost a
grandmother right like we all lost her and we were all grieving in different ways some people would
start crying all of a sudden some people were like laughing joking like talking to other family
members and then I would get these moments of looking at some of my cousins as they're like laughing
and stuff and I'm like why are you laughing like this is terrible but then you know like an hour later
I'm seeing you know some some of my other cousins that I've not seen and then we're joking and laughing
and and then I get mad at myself I'm like why am I laughing I should be sad you know so so I think
it's really important to be able to accept the different way in which people grieve because I feel
like it it just makes the process that much better you know sometimes you want to be in your feels
right sometimes you want to listen to the music and be like okay I just I just need to be sad for a
moment and then you might have that friend who cracks a joke and you're you start laughing you're
like I don't want to laugh right now I want to be in my sadness and I think it's important for
us to discern when those moments are of processing and what that looks like for us and to really
honor those processes for ourselves and the one thing that I will say for me like losing a pet is so
hard it is something that is the same gravitas in my heart it's so it can weigh really heavy on me
and I think it's really important to be able to know what you do for yourself in order to move
through those feelings whether it's going for a walk talking to a friend talking to a therapist
journaling or just having a good cry you said it so beautifully rosy loss in itself is so hard
being there like I always recall my grandfather and the way and my grandmother like the way things
just wind and it's funny like when you mentioned that you know you would see them sometimes or
you remember them like it feels nice because just recently on his Anniver death anniversary I remember
like him coming in my dreams all of a sudden just for like a fleeting moment and it just felt
so good like I said oh you're there like I can feel you and and I don't think when I lost him I had
the capacity to cry or feel all of those like there were just so many things happening all
of a sudden you don't get this and this and that's just people coming and let them know versus I
I remember like seeing my sister grieve in such a different way and also recognizing that even
based on your experience with grief you tend to process it very differently like some people as
we talk about like the stages of grief right like some people just go in and like okay I'm going to
rush through this get this over with versus others are like okay I'm going to go in a denial
then I'm going to have some anger then I'm going to have some you know sad and very little
more exactly like it is what we have seen in movies or we see like people saying oh everybody's so
sad and everybody's like quiet and you don't make a joke out of it but sometimes if you have to
remember the best parts of the individual like that keeps their memory alive and you and I think
that guides you towards being a better version like things that they have always pushed you to
become I think like those things keep it going so as you rightly said like grief is something that
can seem like okay we pass your you're done like one year later you should not be grieving anymore
I think you're always grieving the loss yeah because they have had an impact on your life on some level
yeah grief can look very unique to a person yeah and it can hit you at any time based on like what the
no system feels at that point I would say that way yeah and it's you know and it's like I found
for me there was so much to do when my parents died there was like so many things that needed to
happen and there was you know and then you're there and you're here and it was not until I got home
that I was like oh geez that's when it all started and I think that's and all the calls have
ended by that point so it's it can feel very lonely and I think when you take like Ruin has had
two losses sort of back to back and people don't know what to do with that you know so it's like I
think they're finding people is another resource whether it be a grief group or you know there's
just there's lots of resources but underneath all of the resources is just patience and trying
to find the the love and the joy of the person I don't I don't know what else there is to do
unfortunately I think like on some level it could also be tapping into that a friend or someone
who can like check in with you you know someone that you trust in saying like hey I'm struggling
yeah I think that that's a problem like we don't see we are struggling yes and also just to add to
that I think sometimes us as friends need to check in on our friends who have gone through something
like a loss because nobody likes to feel discomfort and especially if you know that your friend
is going through something sometimes we feel like we might not want to bring it up because
we don't want to make them upset but sometimes that's not that it's going to upset them but I think
sometimes we we need that you know we need to be that friend to check in on our people and say like
hey you know I know that you lost one of your parents or you lost your grandmother or your pet
just died like how are you doing you know yeah how can I support you you know are you how are
you feeling yeah well wonderful wonderful wonderful advice from both of you on all of these questions
I mean they were a bit heavy today and I don't think that's a bad thing I think it's just
it's something to be aware of and I think it makes me think you just never know like what someone
is going through in any given day and I think it's it's a nice reminder about having compassion for
others as we kind of journey through our day yeah I love that I think having communal support is always
the key and saying that for those of you who have gone through the hard thing of losing a pet I
just recorded a losing a pet meditation that will be available in the app coming soon that's so
great because I think that that's that's one of those things that we just there's there's not a
ton of support around that so I think that's great and I want to say a huge thanks to our callers
today for just sharing these really important questions and trusting us as part of your community
and if you're at home or at work or in your commute and you're listening and you've got some
you've got some stuff going on that you'd like some help with all you have to do is just head over
to say hi dot chat slash to your headspace and you can record your question and of course as
always that link is in the show notes and if we are able to use your question in the show you're
going to get three months of headspace for free which I think we've proven over and over again
is a lovely thing yes it's always a lovely thing and yes please send us your questions we're always
honored to hear from you we've approached that moment where we're going to transition into the
rest of your day so this is a moment where you can just take a moment to integrate everything
you heard and you can reflect and settle your mind so here are the sounds of a temple in the forest
listen and let your mind do whatever it wants to do until next time stay happy stay healthy and be
kind to each other
dear headspace is a headspace studios original podcast it's produced by Robin Hopkins
ash Jones and Scott sorenson it's executive produced by Morgan Celser, Sarah Cohn,
Baron Farmer and Danny Christamy our production coordinator is Taylor Jennings Brown it's hosted
and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kessanga Giscombay, Dorah Kamau, Samantha Snowden, Eve Lewis Prieto
and Rosie Acosta, post-production is by Dan Crowe, music is by Scott Sorenson and Chris Marguilla
and a special thanks to Colleen Lutz
