these are my personal opinions always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being all right the challenge is for you to turn off your empathy and your compassion I'll give you the next step in a minute go ahead go ahead and turn those off and you'll find it difficult if you are an empathetic person.
If you are a kind caring generous supportive person it will be difficult to turn off your empathy and your compassion.
Sometimes we have people in our lives that will take advantage of our empathy and compassion because they know we are empathetic and compassionate.
They know that if they give us a sob story, talking about certain people, if they give us a sob story that we will either fall for it or give in or give them what they're looking for because they're trying to take advantage of us.
And I'm talking about a very specific situation, somebody wrote to me and said I would love to hear about the people that and use their emotions and vulnerabilities as weapons to manipulate.
She said, my ex responds to all situations big or small in an overly emotional way, aka throws a tantrum, and he used to wait for me to mother him back to a calm state.
It was exhausting, especially because we have children.
That's like dealing with another child, and if I refused to play that game, he became cold and distant.
If I explained that his emotional outbursts were overwhelming me, he would start self -flagellating and love -bombing.
Such as, I'm a bad husband, my job is awful, you're everything to me, I can't live without you.
He would breadcrumb me by sharing deeply personal vulnerabilities, but then beg me for my unconditional love and acceptance while at the same time refusing to discuss it any further.
I left him and I'm and I get that hurt people hurt others, but co -parenting has become a Herculean effort of empathy and self restraint.
To the person who wrote that thank you, it was a while back, like over a year ago, and if you're still listening, I don't know if this is going to be helpful or if you've heard something else or figured this out already, but that's why I started this episode with turn off your empathy and compassion, which is going to be near impossible for empathetic, compassionate people.
If you care about people, certain people, anyone.
If you care, it's very difficult to turn that off.
And certain people know this.
People who abuse your emotions, exploit your emotions, they know this.
They know that you're a kind -hearted caring, compassionate person who doesn't want to see people suffer.
So they know how you'll respond.
How you'll react. When they want something from you they will take advantage of how you'll respond and how you'll react.
That's what that's what they've learned to do over many, many years.
When they were younger they figured it out.
They learn to read people at a young age and then they learn to read the responses to their behaviors and their actions so that they can alter those responses to get what they want.
Everything you describe here is the qualities of a very insecure person, highly probably anxious attached person.
Like the kind of dog you leave home alone and then they get so anxious, they bark, they pee, then you come home and they're so excited to see you and you are their only source of love and happiness.
You are the only thing in their world that matters.
And when you're somebody to somebody else like that, when you are that person to someone else, it is extremely draining, just like this person wrote at the end, it is a Herculean effort, and they put of empathy and self -restraint.
So here's the problem, The problem is yes, you're empathetic, you're compassionate, you are kind and caring and because of those wonderful qualities that you should never ever get rid of, someone will take advantage of it.
Someone will figure that out and they will tell themselves that's how this person operates.
And now that I know how you operate, I can take advantage of it.
If you are the kind of person that gets into relationship after relationship because the person that you're with figures out how you operate and they take advantage of how you operate and then you break up with them you may wonder why do I keep getting into these relationships and it's because of who you are and that sounds awful it sounds awful when I say that but who you are the kind, caring, compassionate, generous, supportive, empathetic, wonderful person that you are, is definitely who you should stay, but also realize that some people take advantage of who you are.
It's really about the deeper psychology of rapport building.
When you build rapport with someone, you can do it in several different ways.
You can act like them.
You can mirror them.
you can find out how they operate and then feed those qualities.
So, if one of your qualities is empathy, then someone feeding you their story of being hurt, for example, or being afraid, being alone.
Those qualities in you will activate.
They will be triggered, because that story is something that you can connect with it.
It feeds those qualities in you.
You actually feel good being empathetic.
You feel good having compassion for someone.
You want to help. You want to help them feel better and so those qualities are innate.
They are natural in you and you do whatever you can to help them feel better.
And so the person who takes advantage of those qualities in you.
First of all, they're getting fed too.
Because of their insecurity, they're getting that feedback from you.
That love and connection, that source of energy, that source of happiness.
Like that little doggy that misses you all day long.
Some people see you as the source of their energy and happiness and will, I'm gonna use the word, be the leech. They will be the energy leech that will drain you from your energy and happiness because you can't walk around in your own happiness and energy when somebody else is drawing it from you.
I mean, you can, but it's a little bit more difficult or a lot more difficult.
Because you're a caring person, you care, you don't want to see people suffer.
So when someone appears to be suffering, you want to give your energy.
You will sacrifice your energy.
You will sacrifice your time and you will sacrifice your happiness.
You will do things that are inconvenient and uncomfortable to make someone else comfortable.
Maybe this isn't everyone listening but the people who are relating to this right now, you know what I mean.
You give and and you give to the person who just seems to need it all the time and it can start off wonderful because they are feeding you what you desire you love helping you love seeing someone happy and love seeing someone more comfortable and you are feeding them because they may have a fear of being alone a fear of abandonment.
They may be highly insecure and have felt neglect, maybe as a child, and you come along and you fill that void, that void that they carry around with them.
And it becomes a co dependent relationship.
It becomes a co dysfunctional relationship.
However, your qualities, the positive qualities of caring and loving and empathy aren't dysfunctional but they turn into dysfunctions when you overuse them.
It doesn't sound right the way I just said it, but when you use them in order to continuously support an unfulfilled, unhealed person, you can overuse your best qualities on an unhealed, unfulfilled person who isn't seeking help, who isn't working on themselves because they are reliant on the best qualities of somebody else.
And so that drain can start and continue sometimes for years.
So when that drain is present in a relationship of any sort, your energy decreases, your happiness decreases, your passion, your zest for life, decreases, If it's a romantic relationship your attraction decreases you eventually become less fulfilled and you also Become like this person exhausted And some people don't even know what's happening I don't know why I I can't figure out why this person drains me I can't figure out I mean I feel so bad for them they've been through so much and they just have so many issues or they have these major issues in their life and and I don't know how to help
them. And when I do help them, I get fed, these may not be the words, but I get fed in a way where they come back, they reenergize, they're happy again, and suddenly we're in a good space.
And it feels really good because now they love me again, and they're present, and we can celebrate life together.
And celebrate a day together.
A day of happiness.
And so that rise and fall in the relationship continues when their unfulfilled, unhealed self doesn't find fulfillment, doesn't find any healing in what they need to heal.
If they need to heal a fear of being alone, that needs to be worked on so that you aren't the replacement for their healing.
If they have to work on a fear of abandonment, They have to work on that so that you don't become that replacement.
And the reason that's so important, not that I really have to say this, but the reason that's so important is because when you're not there, how are they?
Who are they? What do they feel?
How do they think? What is their life like?
And the reason I said that is because sometimes we can be reliant on someone else for our source of happiness and our source of energy even and when that person is not in the picture let's just say they die or that we break up or you know there's other things as grieving when there's death but now you're alone now you're alone and where is that energy where is that happiness what are you going through if you're experiencing that and how are you going to bounce back if you haven't worked on that stuff.
If you've been reliant on someone else as your source of energy, as your source of happiness, of comfort, of the replacement for the fear of being alone, the replacement for the fear of abandonment, any of your insecurities.
When you have somebody else in your life that replaces that healing that you need to do in yourself, then the healing doesn't take place.
And when the healing doesn't take place, that person can go out for a day or two, go out with their friends, go on a business trip and what's happening inside of you.
And I'm talking to specific people here, not you, but you.
The other person that's dealing with this, that's trying to figure this out, and this person who wrote to me, she's trying to figure out how do I deal with somebody like that and that is the challenge.
How do you deal with somebody like that?
If you are on the receiving end of this and this person isn't, even in the relationship anymore and they're still on the receiving end of this because of the sharing custody.
There's so much effort in empathy and self -restraint she called it a herculean effort of empathy and self -restraint.
That's why it's important to know when to turn off your empathy.
It is so important to see what's happening.
You have to see what's happening and And you can tell what's happening, my wife is really good at this.
She can see what's happening.
She can see when someone is really trying, you know, really trying to figure out how to get through the challenges of life.
She can see when they're trying, but she can also see when they're trying to manipulate her.
and that took many years of very difficult relationships for her to get to that point.
And her being married to a sociopath was very damaging but also very helpful.
It was very helpful for her to see the manipulation firsthand and finally understand that when he played the victim that it was to gain sympathy and empathy so that he could manipulate her how many times does a person have to cheat before the other person says no more but then the person says I'm so sorry and you're the love of my life and I never want to lose you is that a manipulation I look at the trend you know what has happened in the past when you screwed up in the past is this what you did to get back in my good grace or did you go on a journey of self -reflection and say, wow, I can't believe
I cheated on that person and I need help.
I need to talk to a therapist. I need to work on myself.
Instead of, please take me back.
I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
It never happened again.
I promise it will never happen again.
Please, I love you so much. There's a huge difference between those two approaches.
is the first approach is, wow, I really did something wrong.
Each self -reflection, it's working on yourself.
It's focusing on yourself, the person who did this.
If they focus on themselves, and think, that's just the wrong thing to do, and that's so mean and hurtful, and it's a betrayal of trust, and why would I do that?
I need to work on that.
I need to focus on myself, Where it gets suspicious is when they look at the other person and say please take me back I promise it will never happen again I'll change I promise I'll change I'll throw away that extra phone I'll do this I'll do that and what do you do with that information?
The compassion, empathetic, kind, caring, generous person might start to experience some sympathy, and when that starts, guess what's happening?
There's a reaction inside the sympathetic, empathetic person, and that reaction triggers a series of emotions and thoughts and behaviors that might make them do something that gets them back into a situation with a person that may not be of integrity and when they come back to that relationship and a few weeks later or a few months later the same stuff is happening again that's confirmation sometimes we need to go through that sometimes we need to test the waters okay they apologized I'll go back let's see what happens but when it happens again you need to have an x strike rule whether that's
two strikes three strikes please don't do four please don't don't do any more than that but a two strike rule should be effective and it should be all you need to know who this person is if someone hurt you if someone lied to you if someone betrayed you in any way they betrayed your trust and you forgave them and you said okay let's move forward I hope you learned your lesson let's get together again and they did it again that's a huge problem and a massive red flag that tells you this is who that person is somebody might say yes, but some people can make the same mistake twice.
Okay. I'll give you that.
I think that person should try harder, but if they do and you know, it's been a while and maybe you was a series of events that led to them.
I don't know. I just think that you need to have your own rule and you need to really put it out there and say this is my rule.
If it happens again.
then that's it, I'm done, it's over even at your loss and your loss might be yeah this relationship has been great all this time but for this one thing, now it would hurt, and I'm not saying you should do this, I'm saying that you should have a rule for yourself with an action step after that rule is broken, what often happens is that people have a rule with no action and step.
They say, well, if it happens again, I don't know what I'm gonna do.
Or they say if it ever happens again, that's it, it's over and then it happens again and it's not over because why?
Because maybe they were feeding your empathy.
They were feeding your compassion.
They begged you, they pleaded instead of focusing on what they need to do in themselves for themselves so that they aren't that kind of person who does something like that to another person, so that they can heal, so that they can show up as the best version of themselves in the relationship.
That's how any relationship works.
You show up as the best version of yourself and you try to be accommodating and kind and caring and do your best without a drain, without feeling like your energy and your happiness and your fulfillment in life is being sucked out of you.
Because when it is, that's when it's a massive problem and that's when the other person probably needs to do some work on themselves.
And when you feel that in your thinking, what's happening inside of me, that's when you need to come up with some action plan yourself.
Like, I can't allow this to happen.
And this really comes back to this person's letter of, how do I deal with this?
I get that hurt people hurt people, and that's what happened to them.
But this person's co -parenting, so she has to see her ex probably a lot.
Turn off your empathy.
The advice I want you to take, but it's very difficult because that's how you're built.
Turn off your compassion.
Compassion, the advice I want you to take, but that's how you're built.
And when you're built to be kind and caring and compassionate and empathetic, it is very difficult to not be that.
It is very difficult to say, okay, when they tell me a sob story, when they tell me something that maybe is true, you know, the sob stories can be true.
Maybe they'll tell me that, oh, my job sucks and my boss yells at me all the time and I I just don't know what to do, and I've been having a hard time lately, and I don't know how to deal with it.
So please, please, I'm so sorry, forgive me.
When they get into that space, what space are you when you have to recognize what's happening?
Is this a response to the way they were earlier, meaning did they do something that they know would upset you, and in order to turn that upset around, they are now doing this behavior that drains you.
But it also has an impact, because they know, I mean a positive impact, because they know that you'll feel better by accessing who you are to help them.
So if they did something wrong before and then they apologize and they give you this sob story and you're an empathetic, kind person, And that empathy and that kindness turns on, which is going to cause a conflict inside of you, but your programming the way you are kind of overrides that.
And when it overrides that, you become accommodating to them.
And now they're getting what they want and you feel like you are drawn into the circumstances that you were in before.
Okay, I'm back in this situation, I guess I have to feel bad for them.
When I say turn off your empathy, I'm actually being serious.
I know I said it in just a bit, but you do have to realize when what's happening isn't necessarily authentic.
It could feel authentic to them.
It could be a program that runs inside of them over and over again because that's how they learned to deal with challenging situations and that's how they learned to get love and affection and attention from somebody else, but you have to recognize it and what happens is, because here's the key, what happens is when you realize what's happening, oh they're trying to seek my empathy, when you have that realization, and then you connect it to something they did earlier.
Then you have the opportunity to say to yourself, yeah I'm not gonna do it this time, and And what I'm going to do is take a step back and not let them see my emotional state, not let them detect it because people like this who are draining, they are waiting for an emotional response.
They are waiting for you to give them a sign of what to do next.
If they see that little bit of sadness in your eyes, that is something they can latch onto and then pull you down with them.
And you have to be very careful because kind, caring, and pathetic people can fall into that trap so easily.
Like I was saying before, why do I keep getting into the same relationships over and over again?
Because if that trap is set, they are activating something that is natural to you.
And so you get sucked into that natural trap, like a Venus fly trap, and then you get stuck.
and then they repeat the cycle, activating your sympathy and your empathy, trying to get you to feel bad for them, feel sorry for them, trying to make you the nurturer, the giver, the fixer.
And again, these aren't bad qualities.
These are very wonderful qualities of a very wonderful people but you have to be aware that some people take advantage of those qualities.
You have to see the cause and effect they did something bad earlier and now they're doing this and that is a cause and effect oh they lied to me earlier and now they're begging for forgiveness and they're telling me a sob story hmm I'm not saying every time somebody does this it's a lie or manipulation or anything like that but I am saying watch out for the pattern so that you don't fall into the trap of your natural state.
And when that natural state is kind and caring and compassionate, you can be drawn in.
And on top of that, it's hard to draw yourself out because of a self -correcting mechanism that you have inside of you called guilt.
That self -correcting mechanism says, I should be compassionate, I should be sympathetic or empathetic with this person because if I'm not it makes me a bad person.
When you've got that running in the background and it's always trying to correct your behaviors and your state of mind and your emotions, that can also work against you, and that needs to be checked inside as well.
Meaning, you need to check in with yourself and ask yourself if this guilt is justified.
I'm feeling guilty.
I really should feel sorry for this person.
I really should accommodate.
I really should be supportive.
If you have that guilt, ask yourself, is this guilt justified?
Because you may have to look at the situation and ask yourself, is this because of something they did earlier?
And now they're repeating the same pattern.
They always repeat and I always end up back in the situation I don't want to be in.
Is it because I have this self -correction going on inside of me that makes me feel guilty for not being myself?
My wonderful loving self?
Do I feel guilty because I can't be that person now?
I had a client once and I told her I need you to be a gray rock it's called the gray rock technique in emotionally abusive situations.
The gray Rock technique is when you become a dull gray rock.
And all that means is a dull gray rock doesn't have emotions.
When you are around somebody who knows how to exploit or abuse your emotions, if you become a dull gray rock, then whatever they do won't affect you.
It's hard as hell, because emotional people, you know people who are actually connected to their emotions, have a very difficult time disconnecting from their emotions.
But the other person is looking for those emotions.
They're looking for that emotional response so that they have their cue to do the next thing.
This is with certain people.
Again, if you aren't with somebody like this, I'm not saying you do this with everyone every time, I'm saying there's a pattern in some people.
It's an up and down pattern.
Everything is up, everything is great, everything's down, everything's terrible.
So I'm gonna it back up by being the victim.
A lot of people will do that.
They'll play the victim so that you feel sorry for them, activating your empathy, your compassion, and suddenly you're back in a place you don't want to be.
If that happens over and over again you know it's a pattern, you can tell it's happening, and you just have to be aware that it is happening in the moment and also connect the dots of what happened previously to get to this point because if you connect those dots and you see the same patterns over and over again you might have a little bit easier time becoming grey rock and the grey rock is you just not having the emotional response that they're expecting because people who take advantage of you people who drain you they expect you to respond in a very specific way because that is the tool they're
using to make it happen.
They are using some sort of tool whether consciously or unconsciously.
Some people do it unconsciously.
This is how they've learned to communicate and learn to get their needs met.
They take advantage of someone's emotions because they know how to abuse and exploit those emotions.
So in order to not be abused or exploited, at least from what I'm talking about today, some people are relentless and they will not stop but in many cases when somebody is like the person I described in this episode, they are waiting for the emotional response.
So, when they say, oh my job sucks and you know, my life has been so unfair to me, like they may do all the time, how are you gonna respond?
Because if you do you, which is really good advice most of the time, but if you do you, if you're authentic, you're probably gonna feel bad and say, oh I'm so sorry, you're going through that, I hope that everything's get gets better.
I'll tell you what let's do this and then you'll accommodate You know a lot of people will do that if you do that, then you get right back into the cycle, but what happens if you don't?
what happens if you just say Okay Okay, yeah, that's tough.
What are you gonna do about it?
What's your next step?
I'm not having an emotional response.
I'm having a logical response.
It's analytical Again, I'm not saying this is easy, and I'm not saying you'll have the right words every time, but the goal is to not show an emotional response to certain people because that's how they take advantage of you.
They can tell. They can watch. They can see the non -verbals happening in front of their eyes.
Oh, they shifted a little bit when I said that.
I'm going to continue doing that because I need to get under their skin, I need to make sure I find their vulnerabilities.
When people take advantage of you like that, they will find it because they've been doing doing that all their life.
The person who takes advantage of people's emotions have been doing it all their lives.
They know how to do it.
Again, unconsciously or consciously, they've gotten very good at it.
So when we give them nothing as a cue, or even better, the opposite of what they expect, then they don't know what to do next.
This is where they go.
They get confused. I don't know where to go from here because you're not responding the way I want you to respond that might be their thought If you give them the opposite of the response like if you used to say, oh, I'm so sorry that happened to you Okay, I'll accommodate and you know, whatever if you give them the opposite of that and say oh your boss treat you like crap well, well I'm not saying you should do that.
I'm not saying it won't cause an argument or get you in any trouble I'm just saying, they're looking for, you know, these people are looking for a certain response.
And when they don't get it or they get the opposite, they're going to realize that what they used to do doesn't work anymore.
And you may have to do this over and over again, until they finally realize that they can't get what they want the way they used to get what they want.
Because you are no longer vulnerable to that behavior.
Your response elicits their response.
So if you respond the same way every time and you get the same results every time, you know how the saying goes, same thing over and over again, definition of insanity.
It's spot -on you're gonna go insane if you keep doing the same response to their response because they expect it.
Their behavior elicits your response, elicits their behavior and because of that, you have to give them something to work with which they can't identify, they can't recognize, they can't work with it.
They can't work with something they have no experience working with.
It's like giving a caveman a chainsaw.
They won't know how to do anything but maybe hit with it me used to rock and club me used to this me not used to chainsaw me not know how to use it no offense against cavemen the idea is you are interrupting the old pattern you're interrupting it so that they don't know what to do next and this may or may not help this person who wrote because she said it's become a Herculean effort of empathy and self -restraint, the problem lies in that comment right there.
Your empathy. I want you to be that wonderful, beautiful, empathetic person you are with everyone else, but not with the people who take advantage of you.
Be aware and careful of your self -correction mechanism of guilt because that will work against you.
You do not have to feel guilty for not feeling sorry for people who are taking advantage of you.
You do not have to.
I give you permission.
You do not have to feel bad for not allowing someone to take advantage of you.
That's the show. Thank you for tuning in today.
I appreciate you listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank somebody that I don't think she ever tells me that I'm pronouncing her name wrong...
so... Supra -ha! Thank you.
Your donation i am so honored and very grateful thank you so much for your financial support and thank you to all the patrons and people who donate to this show it is something that really humbles me is just so humbling to see those contributions coming in so i appreciate all of you thank you again if you find value in this show like these listeners do and you want to give back Head over to moretob .com and there are options to do that over there.
And we talked about navigating a difficult relationship today, but I go way in the weeds in my other podcast called love and abuse over at loveandabuse .com.
If you are dealing with anything that goes beyond what we're talking about today, head over there.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and you want to change and you want to heal and you want to make your life better and maybe even salvage a relationship that's falling apart, head over to HealedBeing .com I have helped a lot of people heal over there from being the emotionally abusive control and manipulative person and even if you don't think you're that take the free lessons anyway and see if you resonate with them, if you resonate with them continue the program if not just walk away maybe they're not for you but it's worth looking into it really is the formula for creating
a great healthy long -lasting relationship.
That's over at healedbeing .com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in those decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure and above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
you
