I was looking back at my life the other day and I realized something that actually amused me a lot.
Listen, I laughed for like 10 minutes straight.
Every single person I have ever instantly connected with, the ones where it felt like lightning.
You know, those ones where you're like, oh my God, we're soulmates, oh my God, besties.
Within hours of meeting those people where it feels like you know this person has.
I've known them forever some way?
Oh my God, this is it.
Is this person my people?
I no longer know them.
They're strangers to me.
Yeah.
And you know, in hindsight it makes so much sense because things that burn super bright tend to burn out just as quickly.
You know how meteor showers like hit with this force and then they're very bright and they're very blinding and then poof gone.
Gone like the wind.
Gone like the wind.
On the other hand, all the people who have been in my life for years now, for decades, people who have known various parts of me, people who know all the iterations and versions of me.
It was never instant.
Of course, I was interested in them.
There was intrigue there.
There was curiosity.
But the knowledge and the connection we have was built brick by by break layers, uncovering one after the other over a long period of time.
Listen, you need to thank a couple i saw on instagram for this video.
So i came across this video and this couple was holding on to each other so tightly.
They were holding on to each other so tightly and the caption explained that this was their actual first date.
That video of them holding each other, like they've been together for so long, was them on their first date and they had been together ever since now.
Great for that couple.
Okay.
Truly.
I'm not here to shit on them, but reading the comments and just the conversations happening gave me pause, because all I could think about was wow.
I was like, oh my God, we've actually bought into the lie of the spark, the instancy of connections, the lie of.
I looked at her and I looked at him.
I looked at them and I just knew.
But the truth is, Most of these stories fall into one of three categories fairy tales, the fairy tales we've been telling and retelling.
Or two, rare outliers that get amplified because they are rare, because they are exceptional.
Or three the results of cultural norms where duty, survival and expectation mattered more than emotional compatibility and personal choice.
Think your grandmas. okay?
So when people say I miss the days when people could meet on Sunday and get married on Monday, where people got married and stayed together for 15 years, what they're actually missing is a specific historical and social structure.
Roles were fixed, options were very limited and staying was usually less about love and more about necessity.
The world, that world is made instant commitment possible, ours doesn't.
And trying to replicate that kind of immediacy in a modern world like ours that actually allows for choice, self-exploration and emotional awareness, is actually a reflection of something deeper than many of us are willing to admit.
It's anxiety.
It's co-dependence.
It's fear.
Really, really.
We might call it love at first sight, but would love stop being love just because you slowed down?
Would love stop being love just because you bent down a bit to get a good look?
Would love disappear without instant attachment or ownership?
Is love so scarce that we must grab onto it lest it fades away?
When you feel like you know somebody immediately, you aren't actually seeing them.
Fight me.
You are seeing a projection.
You are filling in the blanks of their personality with your own needs and your own wants.
And if you are wounded, your own unhealed wounds.
Duh.
You are falling in love with a character you have designed and they are doing the exact same to you.
I know we live in a fast world.
I know.
We worship acceleration, speed.
Faster replies means more interest.
Fireworks chemistry.
Oh my God, this is how he makes me feel.
How they make me feel.
Falling hard.
Everything else isn't just romantic enough for us.
It's too logical.
It doesn't fit the narrative.
I speak as an offender, okay?
I'm an offender too.
But self-awareness is sexy. very sexy.
I'm a big softie.
I'm all heart.
I believe in feelings.
You know this.
I believe in saying them out loud.
I believe in wearing them on your sleeve.
I don't think love should be muted or strategic.
I don't think love should be restrained.
I don't think we should pretend we don't care when we do.
So when I talk about slow love, I am not talking about emotional avoidance.
I
I am not talking about playing it cool.
I am not talking about rationing affection.
I am not talking about nonchalance.
Okay?
I'm talking about pace.
I have had to admit to myself that all those times where the chemical high literally bypassed all of my brain's logical centers, it wasn't my proof of hyper-empathy.
It wasn't my proof of openness and wildness.
It was proof of leaky boundaries.
And it hurts to say this, but it's true.
It is fast because it must be.
Because if we slow down long enough to see the actual person, the fantasy usually dissolves.
There's a very popular saying, and I'm sure you know it.
A crush is just a lack of information.
I adore crushes, by the way.
You know, I think people should have more of it.
But to apply it here, fast bonding skips the most essential part of intimacy, data collection.
Pay me what you owe me.
Collect, collect data.
Fast love has a way of putting everything else on pause.
Your routines, your friendships, your inner world.
Instead of being an expansive field, love becomes this narrow tunnel.
Everything begins to orbit around this relationship.
It's intoxicating.
Oh my God, you've never met anybody like this before.
Time collapses.
Certainty appears where it doesn't exist.
Speed bypasses reality and the whole relationship is about keeping up.
It's about not losing intensity.
And that's, well, that's until it goes poof because it will go poof.
It will.
And then earth to you.
And what brings you down to earth?
The reality of their humanity.
Usually these people are not even that bad.
It's just that you don't actually know them.
And now you're seeing how they actually handle disappointment, boredom.
The novelty is wearing off and the person is emerging.
And oh my God, they're not your dream, not your fantasy.
And we struggle because the whole shebang had actually been happening in...
But when love is slow, it allows your nervous system to stay regulated.
It doesn't disorient or steal you from your life.
You still belong to yourself as you should and as they should.
It doesn't knock you out of your reality.
It accompanies you.
It grounds you.
If you have big, intense feelings, as I do, slowing it down prevents emotional overindulgence.
It stress tests the foundation before diving in.
Honestly, where there is clarity, where there is intention, the person who wants to be there won't go anywhere.
They're not going to disappear just because you were pacing the connection.
They will appreciate, they would appreciate it actually.
It's like saying listen, I care enough to invest in this, to put some skin in the game, to introduce time and effort.
I like you so much that I want to actually get to know you, not the version of you I have constructed.
It's really the same as building a building.
Not that I've built one, but I think it's the same concept, okay?
You start with the foundation.
Sand, I think.
Then layer on the rest.
You know the rest of what you have on the foundation that you know is solid.
When you take it slow, you get to ask the right questions.
It almost instantly cancels out the reality of trying to earn love or the reality of trying to prove yourself worthy of it.
It's steady enough to let you ask, is this conducive for me?
Not just, oh my God, do they like me?
Oh my God, I hope I like them.
No, no. you get to explore real inquiries like, do I feel safe being honest here?
Can I express discomfort without fear?
Does this connection expand me or does it consume me?
It's near impossible to ask these questions when you are moving at the speed of light.
You know, when we read poems, when we are told tales of the wild and free, the fully uninhabited or the fully inhabited, however you look at it, There's this trope of exhorting complete boundlessness when it comes to love.
But looking out at the community, like using my corocoro eyes, you know?
I don't have glasses.
Looking at the community with my eyes.
I see a tale of broken hearts.
I see exhausted spirits from the battle of love.
So I dare say that it is indeed braver to take your time.
To trust that love is indeed abundant.
So the next time you find yourself falling, my baby, my darling, try not to fall faster than truth, baby.
Take it slow.
Take it slow enough to stay whole inside of it.
Peace.
Ooh, child.
I'm going to poke my eyes.
Poke my eye away.
Let's get... Oh my God, it's quite late.
I just realized.
Shit.
My neighbors are gonna hate me.
They're gonna hate me.
