These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
Okay, I want you to imagine you have a good friend or even a potential romantic partner.
And it's a new relationship and you're really enjoying their company.
And so you hang out for a while, you know, going out every now and then.
Again, could be romantic, could be a friendship.
And let's just say that after hanging out for a while, they say hey, I want to take you to this place.
We're going to have some food.
And it's just a little get together between some work buddies and myself.
I'd love to take you there.
And you say, OK, that sounds good.
You know, we're hanging out.
You're thinking to yourself, we're hanging out.
We're in a good time.
Why not?
Let's do that.
And it's no big deal.
And then you get there and sit through a two hour multi-level marketing meeting.
And I'm not putting down MLMs, although I do have a problem with them.
But if you're in one and it works for you, totally, that's great.
That's awesome.
Do your thing.
But this actually happened to a person my ex actually one of my ex-girlfriends my first long-term relationship.
She told me that she met this guy.
This was before we met.
And he took her to an MLM event.
I think it was Amway or something.
I'm not sure.
But she told me that she felt this huge betrayal.
They were friends.
He was kind to her and he was appearing to be wanting a relationship with her.
But his goal, at least in that moment, was to get her into his downline.
If you're not familiar with that, it's basically people recruiting you so that you can work under them and they can make your commissions along with you making your own commissions which, if you have people under you.
That's your downline and they can make their money and you make some of their money.
So it's, you know, you hear it called a pyramid scheme.
A lot of people call it multi-level marketing.
Some are legit.
Some aren't.
I'm not here to talk about that.
That's a whole nother issue.
And I don't want to get into that.
But even if it's a legit one, like my ex-girlfriend could have been going to a legitimate MLM or whatever they want to call it.
Integrity, network marketing, whatever it's called.
She still felt betrayed because the intent wasn't to befriend her and be romantically involved with her or just have any kind of safe and trusting relationship.
Instead, it led to this place where he took her for her to get recruited.
And that was his goal.
He wanted to recruit her.
And again, she felt completely betrayed.
The trust and the safety and the enjoyment that she had being with him all that time before.
That moment was now out the window.
It didn't matter because after that she stopped seeing him.
And that was a good decision because what happened?
It was a false front.
He was putting on a false front.
You know, I'm guessing here.
He was putting on a false front to lure her into a recruitment.
And it's possible he did have an interest in her.
And it's also possible that he believed that she would make money in this system because, But either way, she was tricked into going.
She wasn't told what it was.
So the point is, there's a friendship or relationship that started on a good note.
And it grew and it was comfortable and she felt like she could trust him and suddenly she was betrayed.
So, I mean, that's a minor betrayal.
When you think of the kinds of betrayals out there.
Yes, this is on the lower end of those types of betrayals, but it's still a betrayal.
It's still a break of trust.
And once that trust is broken, usually the relationship is broken.
Not always.
Usually it is.
I think more often than not, the relationship is broken because the foundation, what has been built, is now destroyed and it has to be rebuilt again.
And in order to be rebuilt, there has to be a new rebuilding of trust.
And that's the new foundation that has to be created.
And this is true with any betrayal.
When someone trusts you and you betray that trust, the betrayal has to be rebuilt because it's going to be in the back of their mind all the time.
So, even in a well-established relationship, if there's a betrayal of trust, That betrayal is going to be in the back of their mind until there's a rebuilding.
And the rebuilding usually requires a lot of different behaviors.
For example, if there is infidelity in a romantic relationship.
The rebuilding.
If the person who betrayed feels shame, feels guilt, wants to make the relationship work, knows they made a mistake and the other person wants to work things out as well and the infidel or the betrayer promises never to do it again and means it and really feels awful about it, there's a possibility that the relationship can rebuild, but different behaviors will be needed in order for a rebuilding of trust to occur.
What are those behaviors where they used to keep their phone to themselves?
They might keep their phone out in the open with the other person knowing the code.
Where the other person might have stayed out later after work and went to the bar with their friends or bowling, or wherever they now come home.
Or they keep their phone on them.
With the You can find your phone with friends or something like that, where
The other person can see where they are, because they know where their phone is at all times, because that location service is on.
And that can be another behavior change.
I think all betrayals require a behavior change if there's going to be a rebuilding of anything.
The rebuilding of trust requires a complete new start with new behaviors.
Because whatever behaviors were occurring before, If they haven't changed, then the person who got betrayed, the victim of that betrayal, will never be able to tell if anything really is changing or has changed.
So usually major behavior modifications and major changes in communication and transparency.
All of those have to take place.
Otherwise, there won't be a rebuilding of trust.
And if those behaviors don't change and the communication doesn't change, then in the back of the victim's mind will be that seed of doubt that is always trying to blossom or is blossoming and will turn into mistrust or stay a mistrust until something big changes or something big happens.
And this is the case with so many issues in every type of relationship.
If any trust has been broken, if any fear has grown, if any insecurities have grown in the relationship, there usually needs to be a behavioral change of some sort in order for trust to build or rebuild.
And so this subject came to mind after I received a message from someone who is attracted to someone or one of their friends, and their friend does not reciprocate the thoughts or feelings that this person has.
So this person says, I'm really attracted to this person and she's been my friend for a long time.
But I don't want to ruin the friendship by saying, hey, I'm so attracted to you, let's be romantic.
This other person has commented that she doesn't want a relationship.
And there's more to it, but I'm going to leave it right there, because here we have a relationship founded on and they're really good friends.
I guess they've been best friends for years.
The relationship's founded on the feeling of security that things will continue to be the same, and trust, knowing that they won't ever feel a sense of betrayal or the luring luring of that person into a scheme or a lie or a deception or anything like that.
The person who wrote to me isn't trying to scheme or lie or deceive.
They just have feelings.
They have strong feelings for someone that they are now very attracted to.
It just developed recently, but she doesn't.
And she really appreciates their friendship.
And so the person who wrote to me really wants to have a romantic relationship with this person, but she is not reciprocating.
And the person who wrote said, I'd like to know your thoughts.
What should I do?
What should I say?
Or something like that.
And the way I look at this is, it's twofold actually.
First fold is everything I've already talked about in this episode.
You have a foundation of something solid that, if it continues this way, it will continue being solid.
It will continue being what it is.
It will continue being what she likes and what you like, even though you want more.
And you wanting more.
It will always be in the back of your head or in the forefront of your mind nagging you.
Like, I really want more with this person.
I really want more with this person.
But if I do that, if I mention that I really want a relationship with this person and they don't, in fact they may get upset that they can't have the friendship that we've had.
If I want a romantic relationship, this could ruin the friendship forever.
Or at least a long time.
Because if I show my love and appreciation for them and want more than they want, then the friendship becomes unbearable, awkward and difficult and maybe nonexistent, because the other person, even though there's no betrayal, there is now the introduction of something that breaks the trust and security that was there.
Not that it's not a trusting relationship and not that it's not a secure relationship, but this is why I started this episode with that story with my ex-girlfriend who was invited to this get-together and it turned out that it was something else that she didn't expect, didn't want, was not told of beforehand and felt betrayed.
And this can happen.
There are different types of betrayals.
Even if you have all the best intentions and good feelings and good thoughts and now you introduce a component to a friendship or relationship relationship or whatever you want it to turn into.
When you introduce this component or variable into the relationship, the other person can feel like they can't trust what it is anymore.
That's this person's fear.
Person who wrote to me, that's their fear.
Because they could go on as best friends.
But it's hard to go on as best friends when you have romantic feelings toward that best friend.
And if you say anything about it, it could ruin the friendship and now you have nothing.
So what do you do?
Now granted, this person said that their friend doesn't want a relationship.
That should be the only thing you need.
I'm sorry to just give it to you bluntly.
That should be the only thing you need.
When somebody says they don't want a relationship, you honor that.
Great.
You don't want a relationship.
No problem.
I won't pursue that.
You can still have feelings, but you can't cross the line.
If they end up getting into a relationship with someone else and you have these feelings, you could get jealous, but you still can't cross the line.
This is a difficult position.
I know it is.
I have had this happen in my life.
I have feelings for someone.
They go with somebody else or they never reciprocate.
They don't want to be with me.
And I had to learn.
It had nothing to do with the way I looked, the way I talked, how much money I made.
It's just that everyone has their person, the type of person they want, the type of personality, the type of anything.
And we are all prone to looking for and being attracted to those who interest us.
Those are the people that we want in our lives, maybe at a deeper level.
Now I'm saying this not because the person who wrote to me is in that pickle.
It's not the pickle I'm talking about.
In fact, they said that their friend doesn't want to date, doesn't want to be in a relationship, and that's where they are and that's where they are comfortable and that's where they want to be for now.
Maybe not later.
Maybe later it'll change, but right now that's where they want to be.
So my advice to the person who wrote is to honor where they want to be and honor it fully.
The way you love someone fully is to honor the path they want to take, even if you disagree with it.
So if that means she doesn't want a relationship, you honor that and you say yes.
If that's what makes you happy, i am all for that because i care about you, i love you and i want you to be happy.
That's how you honor a relationship.
I don't know if you're on a i love you basis with your best friend or not, but I care about you.
I want you to be happy.
And if you don't want a relationship, that's what I want for you.
Where we get in trouble is our own desires.
Our desire becomes stronger than honoring someone else's path.
That's when we get in trouble.
If your desire is stronger than honoring her path, you will probably ruin the relationship.
If your needs, if your heart is stronger than honoring that person's path and you act on that desire, or you act on that even feeling of desperately wanting to connect because you feel it so strongly inside of you.
If you act on that and that person isn't in the same space, you will likely ruin the relationship or at least damage it a little bit.
Maybe not.
I mean, I could be wrong.
But in most cases I think you are more likely to damage a relationship that you have developed this trust and security in when you introduce an element that they have already said they are not interested in.
Does that mean it'll be forever?
We don't know.
But right now you have to honor somebody where they are today.
And if that's where she is today, that's what you honor.
And the more you honor that, here's the thing.
If she's ever going to develop romantic feelings for you.
I'm talking to the person who wrote if she's ever going to develop romantic feelings for you, That's how they will blossom by allowing her to be herself, follow her path and letting her know that her decisions are the right decisions and you honor the decisions she makes.
That's how you show somebody you care about them.
And the reason I say there's possible or probable damage to this relationship if you decide to profess your love to her, is because she already told you she doesn't want a relationship.
And by telling her that you do want a relationship with her.
By saying that it's like saying I don't care if you want a relationship.
I want a relationship.
I want one with you.
So let's have one because I love you this much.
You hear how that sounds.
It doesn't sound good.
It doesn't sound good like that because it sounds like you don't care what she says.
This is how you feel and you know it will work, because this is how you feel and you're going to treat her so wonderfully, regardless if she wants a relationship or not.
You can feel that when I talk about it.
It doesn't feel good.
In fact, she would probably think to herself, weren't they listening to anything I was saying?
Don't they care that I don't want a relationship?
Why are they putting me in this position?
That would be tough, because now you would be putting her in that position to make a choice between the friendship or not a friendship.
It's not between a friendship and a romantic relationship.
It's a friendship or not a friendship because she doesn't want a romantic relationship.
She doesn't want that.
And here we are saying, I'm going to I want one anyway.
So we have to be really, really careful around this area, because we can have strong feelings of love and connection for someone.
But when we introduce those feelings and we don't honor the path they want to take, it can become just like a betrayal.
They can feel just like a betrayal because that person has said what they want or don't want.
And by saying yes, but...
This is important and I think you should do it.
Then we're basically telling that person yeah, the thoughts and feelings that you have aren't as important as my thoughts and feelings.
So this is what I propose.
So we're very much on the edge of emotionally abusive behavior.
It's a stretch.
It's an exaggeration, I understand, because this is a different circumstance.
And, believe me, I've been in that position where I have, or I've had, feelings for someone and they didn't have feelings for me, and I just had to swallow it and Understand that there's nothing I can do about it.
And if I couldn't, I mean, this has actually happened.
If I couldn't stop myself from wanting more of the friendship, then I would have to exit the friendship because my feelings would always interfere.
I'm not saying you should do this.
I'm saying this is what I chose to do because my feelings kept getting in the way.
My feelings kept getting in the way of this friendship.
And I was in a relationship at that time.
It was a while back.
And it was in another relationship, not this one.
But I was in a relationship and I had these feelings for somebody else.
It was a good friend of mine.
And I didn't want them, the feelings.
But I had them.
And I didn't want to have them, because I wanted to stay committed and loyal and dedicated to the person I was with.
And so I had to break that friendship off.
And...
The person that I broke it off with, she didn't understand why.
And I didn't tell her why.
I just stayed away from her.
I'm not saying I ghosted her.
We barely ever saw each other.
But when we did.
That's not a good thing, because I'm in a relationship and I don't want to have those feelings.
So I had to take myself out of that friendship because I felt like I couldn't really control myself.
And if that's what's happening you can't control yourself then what you push onto the other person is going to feel like a boundaries violation if they are not into it.
And I don't even know if the girl that I had feelings for was into me or not.
But I knew I couldn't pursue it.
I chose to stay loyal.
Pat myself on the back.
But I did.
I did not want to cheat.
I did not want to go down that road.
And I didn't.
So I pulled back and I never looked back.
And so that's where I was at.
When I was in that predicament, different circumstances than what you're talking about.
I understand.
This person who wrote didn't have any relationship going on in their life.
The other person doesn't have a relationship.
They're best friends.
And one person has feelings and the other person doesn't.
One person knows that they're going to be best friends for life and the other person wants more.
So it's tricky.
It's tricky.
So I don't want to leave you there.
I do want to kind of give you perhaps a direction you can take, because I know you want to profess your love.
But if I were in your shoes, The direction I would take would be this.
And I'm not even saying this will work.
I'm not even saying it's a good idea.
I'm just thinking, okay, if I were this person, what would I say?
I think I would say you know, the next time we talked about relationships, I wouldn't probably bring it up.
I probably just wait till it came up in some way.
And when it did come up, I might say something like you know, if I were going to be in a relationship, I would want to be with somebody like you, because X Y, Z And that's it.
And don't make it sound like you're being desperate.
Don't make it sound like you want her to respond or say something about it.
Just act natural.
I'm thinking gee, you know, if I were in a relationship, or I was going to get into a relationship, it would be with somebody just like you, because you love sci-fi and you love playing tennis.
And I love that you love to read.
I love to read.
So Thank you for showing me these qualities of relationship that really are important to me.
And I'm just so glad that we're friends so that I can see that.
Thank you.
And just leave it.
I'm not saying you should do this again.
Maybe that might get misread or read into very deeply.
But it's not a lie.
Because if you really do want her, you probably do love a lot of components about her.
And...
For the most part, if somebody came along that had all those components and was attracted to you and you were attracted to her, I imagine it should be very difficult to say no to someone that came along with all those nice qualities and you were attracted to each other, showing that the comment that you made that if I were to be in a relationship, I would want to be in a relationship with someone like you. proving that it wasn't deceptive, it was actually true.
And if she said well, I told you, I don't want to be in a relationship that gives you a door to say no no, no.
I just love all these qualities about you.
And I'm not saying that I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you, but I know that you're not looking for a relationship.
So I just wanted to let you know that you just have all these amazing qualities.
And if somebody comes along that fulfills those qualities and I'm attracted to them and she's attracted to me, then it might work out.
I'm just saying this is probably the direction I would take if I were in that, but then I would have to let it go.
Meaning and this is what I would suggest.
If you choose to go in any direction even close to this, I would let it go and leave it.
So when you say Hey, I would like to be in a relationship with somebody like you because X, Y and Z, and then the conversation may just end there or may go into what I just said.
Meaning she doesn't want a relationship and you say, no, no, no, I'm not talking about that.
But if somebody came along that had your qualities, I think that's a, it's very attractive.
So that's what it does is it lets her know what your interests are.
So if she ever does open that door that you would be interested.
It also lets her know that it's perfectly safe to say I don't want a relationship or stay friends as you are and you're totally okay with it, leaving her in the space that you're not going to pursue this romance because she's not ready and maybe she never will be ready.
This puts you in a very difficult position, because if you have these strong feelings in the back of your head or the forefront of your mind, then what ends up happening is your desires may override your ability to honor her boundaries, her path.
And if your desire overrides her path, her boundaries, that's when the relationship can be ruined.
I'm not saying it will be.
I'm just saying that if you introduce this element after you know where she is.
I'm just gonna repeat myself if you want to pursue something that she doesn't want to pursue, and her not wanting to pursue, that isn't enough to stop you from pursuing it.
It will cause a big problem and maybe even end the friendship.
Believe me, I know it is difficult when you have feelings for somebody and they don't have feelings for you, or
Maybe you believe they'll have feelings for you if they just give you a chance.
But that's not the way into someone's heart.
The way into someone's heart is to let them be who they are.
100, even if they don't want to be with you.
Even if you don't agree with the decisions they're making.
The way into someone's heart is to let them follow their own path, even if it doesn't lead to you, even if it's not with you.
So that is a very tough place to be.
It is rising above your own ego.
It's rising above your own desires to show someone that you care about them so much that you are willing to let them be, and you are also willing to let them go.
That's how you show you care about someone, is to show them that their path is important to you and you're going to let them take that path, no matter what.
That's tough.
It's tough when you have feelings because you want it to work out with you.
And it's even tougher when they find somebody else.
That's very tough.
It's a very difficult place to be.
I've been there.
But don't let your strong attachment to wanting this romantic relationship change a good friendship forever.
And if you just can't stop yourself from professing your love, try to do it in a way that maybe I suggested or something like that, that doesn't force her to make a choice and also lets her know that, even just a little bit passively, that you do have an interest in a relationship with her or someone like her or someone down the line, whatever it is.
Just be careful, because you don't want to paint her into a corner where she feels like you're trying to get her to admit feelings that she doesn't have for you, or admit something that You want her to do in the near future and she doesn't want to do it.
That's when we can really push somebody over the edge and then change things maybe forever.
We don't want to do that.
So to the person who wrote, I really feel for you.
I know this is a tough place to be.
And it may not go your way as far as romance.
It is going your way as far as friendship.
And, believe me, I've been in that position, like I said, and I had to choose to exit the friendship because I don't know.
I could tell you I wasn't mature enough to handle it.
I wasn't in control of myself enough to handle it.
That was me.
I admit it.
Because I know people are listening right now saying well, if you feel something, just don't pursue it, because you know it's off limits.
I get it.
But when you have those strong feelings and you just can't stop following your heart and being drawn to someone, you might say something you regret.
And i didn't trust myself enough back then to not say something or do something that i would regret.
So i backed out of it and i'm not saying that was the most mature, emotionally intelligent or empathetic decision, because she was kind of left hanging not knowing what was going on.
But i think in my case either way it would have been ruined.
Either way i would have pushed something that would have failed because i was in a relationship and failed because maybe she didn't want me in her life and failed for so many other reasons.
But i pulled back and just took the route that I believed was best.
And that's all I could do.
You know, matters of the heart, they can be very difficult.
They can be life changing.
They can be life ruining.
They can be all sorts of things.
They can be a lot of trouble and a lot of fun and a lot of love.
And a lot of confusion and a lot of everything because love is the root of so many possibilities.
I hope this helps.
Thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to tell that person good luck and stay strong.
I also want to thank the patrons this week.
Debra and Paige and Tammy and Soup.
Okay.
Superhar writes to me sometimes and she donates sometimes and she's always giving, always giving.
And I just have to point out that she wrote and said, call me Soup.
She said, I'm standing up for myself at unexpected moments.
Totally.
Thanks to the stories you've shared.
Thank you for an amazing podcast.
A favor to ask.
If you mention my name on the air, I'd like to be called by my nickname soup.
I appreciate you.
Thank you so much, Soup.
And that's a lot easier to say because I was probably pronouncing it wrong the whole time.
And thank you for sharing those words.
I am so glad you're standing up for yourself at unexpected moments.
That will change your life.
It could cause some conflict, but you'll soon learn what you get in return for honoring yourself to the fullest.
Yes, it can be difficult, but I'm glad you shared that because some people need to hear that.
Some people need to know it's okay to stand up for yourself and say, no, I won't accept that.
Or please stop mistreating me or please stop disrespecting me.
That's how I see standing up for yourself.
It's basically telling yourself, I love you.
I love you and I care about you and I don't want that to happen to you.
So I'm going to stand up for you.
You're taking care of yourself by showing yourself that you are so important and you are so worthy of better treatment that you're going to tell others you don't deserve to be treated that way.
The disclaimer is pick your battles wisely.
Some battles you don't want to get into, but thank you, Sue, for that little tangent I took.
I appreciate you.
Thank you to all patrons who support the show.
They give monthly, and I am so grateful they do that.
And if you value the show and you want to give back, you can head over to moretobcom and there are ways to do that over there.
Thank you again.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship and you're trying to save your relationship because you messed things up, you know by controlling or hurting a person that you care about, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeingcom.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
