These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
Welcome to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain.
If this is your first time, my name is Paul Koliani and I'm here to help with life's challenges, life and relationships, really.
Life is made up of all of our relationships with everyone and everything.
So that's kind of where I gravitate toward.
That's what people write to me about.
And thanks for joining me today.
If you are a longtime listener, then you've been probably doing this for years.
And I wish you the best after years of listening to me because I've grown too.
I've grown with this show.
I started it back in 2013 and then I got a divorce.
And that was a learning and growing experience.
It really taught me a lot.
Because I believed marriage was forever.
This is it.
You get married and then that's it.
You stay married and then you have a happy life together.
Unless you've got problems.
Unless you have issues you need to deal with.
I believe in bringing the best version of yourself into a relationship so that when both people do that, they have already worked on a lot of stuff.
You know, maybe they still have stuff to work on, some healing to do here and there, but they've done the majority of it.
So they get into a relationship and they don't bring just too many dysfunctions.
I was going to say no dysfunctions, but that's really hard to do for a lot of people.
And you bring as few dysfunctions as you can into the relationship.
And then you create something better.
Better than what you have been experiencing.
Something bigger and better than yourself.
Even though you're great and everything.
But it is nice when you can expand yourself into a couple.
A union of sorts.
And it's not necessary.
I'm not saying you have to do that.
Some people are perfectly happy alone, and some people are perfectly unhappy alone and they want a relationship.
But my point is I think it's important to work on yourself.
Do what you can try to heal what needs healing.
Try to work on your dysfunctions.
Try to identify your dysfunctions as best you can.
And then if you want a relationship if you haven't gotten into one yet, at least you've done the work
Now, what happens is most of us haven't done the work or at least all the work we need to do.
And then we get into a relationship and now we're going to do the work because guess what happens?
You know what happens?
They act as a mirror for what is going on inside of us.
The person that I was with in my last relationship, she acted as a mirror for what was inside of me.
And that mirror isn't always a reflection.
Sometimes it's a contrast.
Sometimes one person shows up the way they are and the other person shows up in the opposite way.
Sort of like somebody who wrote to me recently and said you know, my sister always plays the victim and I'm always trying to help.
And I I'm starting to feel guilty because I'm eliminating this connection in my life.
My sibling and I feel bad.
I feel bad for eliminating this dysfunction, or not eliminating, but disconnecting from her so that I can find some more peace in myself.
She would reach out all the time to her sister, and her sister never reached back out.
She just kind of ignored her, I guess.
And so the person who wrote to me said, you know, I'm trying to work this out with my sister.
I'm trying to have a good relationship, but my sister is always playing the victim.
And you know she told me a lot in that message that she sent to me.
But her main questions were How do you handle a sister who's always playing the victim?
How do you handle a sister who acts like she's listening but really doesn't hear you?
When is it okay to give up on a family member?
How do you stop feeling guilty when you decide to stop reaching out?
How do you stop allowing someone to make you feel bad about things they push in your face?
Those are good questions.
I think when you have dysfunctional family just talked about this recently, maybe at Love and Abuse, my other podcast, or this one but when you have dysfunctional family, it's okay to let some of them go.
If they are hurtful or harmful toward you and they are lowering your quality of life and you try to get along and they don't.
They have work to do and they didn't bring the best version of themselves into the relationship you have with them.
I'm not saying everyone has to be perfect.
I'm saying that it's nice when people work on themselves and recognize that perhaps they have stuff to heal, stuff to address.
And when you work on and address these things inside of you, then at least you're trying.
And some people don't try.
Some people don't want to try.
Some people just want to be who they are and want you to change for them and adapt to them and accommodate them and submit to them.
And I call those people, I think most of these people I would call toxic.
I would call them toxic.
Yes, it's two words to me because it makes me sick to be around toxic people.
So it is difficult to be around those people and these questions.
I get questions like this all the time.
How do you handle someone who's always playing the victim?
I actually do have, um, an episode called, uh, dealing with the victim mentality.
I would recommend you look that up at the overwhelmed brain.com.
But, um, when somebody plays the victim, I just, I kind of make that check mark in my head.
Okay.
They're going to play the victim.
So it doesn't really matter what I do.
Like there are people out there that um, I really have.
I believe I have good information for them.
I have a good suggestion for them.
You know, if they need help on something or they're trying to figure something out and they ask, I try not to give too much advice or guidance unless somebody really wants it.
So I try not to be codependent and uh.
So if somebody asks and they say yeah but, and I give them, you know my thoughts and they say yeah, but.
So you know why don't you try this?
Yeah, but even though I know, you know, 99% sure what I'm telling them will work.
Yeah, but that's not, that's not going to work because of this.
And that's fine.
People have a right to say that.
But what if that's all they say?
Always.
Yeah, but it's not going to work.
It's like they are playing the victim.
Some people will do that.
Some people are what I might call professional victims.
They don't get paid for it.
Or maybe they do.
I don't know.
But that is their full-time job.
They are just a victim.
And the world happens around them.
And they just believe everything's happening to them and the world's against them.
And there's nothing they can do.
They're at mercy to the world.
I mean, we're all at mercy to what happens typically, but we all also have a choice on what to do when it happens to us.
And some people think they don't have any choice.
They think, you know, the bad stuff always happens to me and there's nothing I can do about it.
I do know someone like that.
I'm not saying he's a victim.
I'm saying that he really does have bad luck.
A lot of stuff does happen to this guy.
And after talking with him for a while, I just, you know, my wife and I talked about him.
I said, oh my God, he may just be the unluckiest person on earth, because this stuff keeps happening and he's really trying.
Is that karma?
I don't know.
But he has bad luck.
And he's pretty resilient.
So he pushes forward and he keeps trying.
And then, you know, again, my wife and I are talking about it.
And I said, you know he does have bad luck but there are decisions that he has made in his life that have led to the outcomes eventually, that he has come up against.
So he will have some sort of, quote, bad luck.
But if we trace back the initial decisions that he made to get to the point where he had that quote bad luck, we can see that those decisions weren't they weren't that great.
I mean, we can analyze these decisions and yeah, we can probably point out every single decision that we made and say well, that's why I have what I have today.
And that's actually true.
But with him it sure seemed like he had bad luck until I remember having these other conversations with him And he had done certain things or made certain decisions that led him to the point where this stuff happened to him.
And then it started to make sense to me.
And this could be bad luck making decisions, you know, could still be bad luck.
But it does give someone some pause and some thought about the decisions they've made.
The decisions I make in my life, the decisions you make in your life, that lead to the outcomes that you get today.
It's like somebody ending up in a very harmful relationship.
You can't really say okay.
The decisions they made led to meeting this really nice person that turned out to be abusive.
So it's their fault.
I would never say that or do that.
But I would highlight that when the trouble started in the relationship, it wasn't addressed in a way that stopped it from happening.
That's not to say that the victim of such hurtful behavior is to blame for that.
It's to say that there are decisions that we make in the moment that change the outcome that we get later.
It sounds like I'm saying, Hey, you should have made a better decision.
And maybe that's true.
Maybe not because some people are harmful no matter what you do.
But sometimes we have to learn the first time when it happens, so that we won't get into those bad situations again.
So if somebody out there got into a bad relationship and they look back and say well, I made all the right decisions.
I'm sure there was a point where something happened in the relationship where it didn't feel right.
It didn't, it didn't smell right.
There was something wrong.
Maybe you were being blamed for something and you didn't really feel like you were to blame.
And maybe you knew you weren't to blame.
And instead of addressing it right then and there saying, you know, this is not fair.
This is not right.
Let's talk about it.
And maybe you did that.
Maybe you didn't, but, When you talked about it, did it get resolved?
And did they take responsibility?
And if they didn't take responsibility, did they at least say hey, you know, let's just work this out together?
I'm sorry this happened.
Maybe it was my fault.
Maybe it wasn't.
Are they treating it objectively and fairly?
No.
Or are they saying, well, I know it's your fault.
So you'll have to heal yourself, fix yourself so that we don't have to deal with this again.
Do they put you in that place?
Do they put you in that lower place of inferior?
You are their inferior.
They are your superior.
You must listen to them.
And they are the truth teller.
Because if that's the case, That's the time to address those things that come up.
Again, I'm not saying that if you're a victim of any type of hurtful or harmful behavior from someone in your life, that it's your fault.
It's just a matter of looking at what decisions you make when those things come up.
And if you don't know the right decision to make, you might end up in a long-term relationship that is harmful to you.
And when that happens, it usually goes downhill.
It doesn't usually get better.
It usually goes downhill when that long-term effect of abusive or toxic behavior starts in the relationship.
It doesn't usually get better.
What does this have to do with what I'm talking about now?
Well, the person who wrote to me has a sister who the relationship that she has with her has never gotten better.
So I think the very first step in a relationship like this, or thinking about the relationship like this, is to know it won't get better.
This is how it is.
This is how it will be.
And accepting that allows us to get past any hoping, wishing, or praying.
And I've just talked about this recently, but accepting somebody for who they are is liberating.
It's freeing.
And when you accept them for who they are, then you stop looking for something that isn't there.
You hope it's there.
That's great.
You really hope that they change or they see that they're being harmful or being difficult.
But if it's not there, it's not there.
So you kind of have to accept that's what it is.
So this person who wrote to me, she accepted that maybe her sister's a narcissist or maybe she is that quote professional victim that I talked about earlier.
And when that happens, what do you do?
How do you deal with the person who's playing the victim?
Again, listen to that episode I talked about dealing with the victim mentality.
And also check it off in your mind, saying I know this person is going to play the victim, so I expect nothing less.
And when you have somebody that believes the world is against them, really all you can do is tell them well, if you need my help, let me know.
I mean, they don't want answers.
And if they ask for answers and they keep saying, but well, but well, this is not going to work, because this, because that,
Then all you can do is let them be.
Well, you know, this is, these are my three pieces of advice.
If those don't work for you, that's fine.
That's all I have.
And I hope you figure it out.
But if you want to try this, I'm perfectly willing to help you through it.
That's another way I would help somebody who's always playing the victim.
Oh, you think that won't work, but if you need help, I can try to help you make that work.
The reason that won't work for them is because you're helping them find a solution.
But I like that approach because helping somebody find a solution tells you where they are.
And if you say, hey, I'll help you with this.
I believe it will work or I know it'll work. you know, my solution or my advice, I know it'll work.
So I'll help you out.
And if they say, not really, I don't think that's going to work.
If they don't even want to try it, then they're not really looking for a solution, or they know their problems so well.
And I'll give them the benefit of the doubt that they've either tried that or thought about it.
But the problem with that is that they probably have thought about it as an objection.
They probably thought that, oh, that won't work, so I won't try it without ever trying it.
Because victims like to make sure that there is no way out.
Victims like to explore every possibility so that they can find an objection to that direction.
And when they discover that it could work, something might work and they might no longer be a victim, then they won't get the attention.
This is where it's going.
They won't get the attention they're getting as a victim.
Why do they want attention?
Because getting attention feels good.
And somebody getting that type of attention where they are, the victim might feel a lot of love and compassion coming toward them.
Which is an unhealthy way to get love and compassion.
But that is a secondary gain for people like this.
Is that they want to feel that love and compassion.
And that is the way they think they can get it.
And it often works.
And it usually works with people who are kind and caring and supportive.
And sometimes overly compassionate.
Always trying to help. sometimes codependent people who want to fix, who want to rescue.
And if there's a victim and a rescuer in a relationship, it is a draining for the rescuer and it is energizing for the victim the one who's playing the victim.
And so this is why the cycle of victimhood continues is that they find someone with compassion and care, who likes to support, who wants to see other people happy, who hates to see other people in pain or suffering.
And so victims who find people like that will often stay the way they are, because they are getting what they want.
They are getting the attention they want.
And so this person is probably very kind and caring and compassionate.
And so how do you deal with somebody who is always playing the victim?
You stop showing up in the way that works for them, in a way that fuels their victimhood.
Instead of saying, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.
That is what many people who play the victim want.
I'm so sorry.
What can I do to help you?
That is what many people want.
Many people playing the victim want.
So what is the opposite of that?
What do you do differently?
Instead of saying, I'm so sorry, you can say, oh my God, what are you going to do about it?
You can say something like that.
You can turn it back on them so that they are responsible for their life going forward, or at least in that conversation.
Oh my God, that happened?
What are you going to do about it?
They might say, there's nothing I can do about it.
I don't know what to do about it.
Wow, that sounds hard.
But I'm not saying I'm so sorry.
I'm not saying, what can I do to help you?
I'm just saying, wow, that sounds so hard.
And the reason I'm not offering anything, I'm not offering compassion and support and all this doting and affection and love is because I want them to come out and say it.
And, you know, they might have to say, will you help me with this?
Saying, I'll help you is what they're looking for, but they don't want to say it.
They don't want to be responsible for it.
I'm not saying every victim is like this, but this is usually what happens.
They don't want to be responsible for speaking up and saying, this is what I need to do.
First of all, take them out of victimhood.
It'll take them out of getting that attention.
So they don't want the answer.
So they're not going to ask.
But what you're also doing is forcing them to ask if they want it, if they want help.
So if somebody wants help, they will say, this happened to me.
Can you help me?
And That is no longer, in my opinion, playing a victim, because the person who plays the victim doesn't want the help.
And that sounds unfair when I say it, but I'm talking about people who play the victim, not who are the victim.
There are people who play the victim to get the attention, to get the secondary gain.
However, they're benefiting from the relationship.
They are gaining something from it.
But if we don't offer love and help and support, if we don't offer our compassion and we just listen and say wow, that's tough.
And then we ask, what are you going to do about it?
What's going to happen next?
We can listen and never get to the point where we say, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
It could start changing them, at least the way they behave around us.
Just in case you didn't know, this episode is sponsored by BetterHelp.
And I want to tell you my wife and I have been together over 11 years now and I can honestly say it's the best I've ever felt in a relationship.
But we've had our challenges.
Fortunately, we both realized that no relationship is perfect.
In fact, through some very hard conversations, we learned exactly what was weighing our relationship down, and the love between us has grown even stronger.
Whether you're married, dating or single, the truth is, most of us are still figuring it out and finding our way.
No matter where you are in your romantic journey, therapy can help you find your way and help you determine what you want, what feels heavy and how you can take some pressure off yourself.
BetterHelp therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed.
They do all the initial matching work for you so that you can focus on your therapy goals.
And with over 30000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally.
And it works with an average rating of 49 out of 5 for a live session, based on 17 million client reviews.
So sign up for BetterHelp and get 10% off at BetterHelp.com forward slash brain.
That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com forward slash brain.
Something else I want to share with you.
I was just talking to a friend last night about how I used to do one-on-one coaching sessions and just how much time went into the before and after of the session because of preparing beforehand, then writing notes afterward, let alone the scheduling and rescheduling and billing and more.
And that's what I love about simple practice.
It takes care of almost everything beforehand.
If you're a therapist listening right now, you already know your work doesn't end when the session does.
There's scheduling, notes and billing and insurance follow-ups all of the admin that happens before and after the work you actually care about.
Simple Practice is an all-in-one EHR that is HIPAA compliant, high trust certified and built specifically for therapists.
It brings scheduling billing, insurance and client communication into one place, so you're not juggling multiple systems.
Automated appointment reminders help reduce no-shows, and note templates make documentation faster, so the business side of your practice feels lighter.
And if you're just starting out or growing your practice, there's a credentialing service that takes the headache out of insurance enrollment which honestly, can be a huge lift.
So if you're ready to simplify the business side of your practice, now is a great time to try Simple Practice.
Start with a seven-day free trial, then get 50% off your first three months.
Just go to simplepractice.com to claim the offer.
Again, that's simplepractice.com.
So that's one way to help somebody.
Not be the victim is by not being the savior, not being the rescuer.
And that can work.
And this is only one question that this person asked.
There's many more that she asked here, and I'll see if I can address a couple of these others.
But that can be helpful if you are with somebody like that.
Just stop trying to rescue.
Stop trying to say, I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
It's not your fault.
If they got something going on in their life and it's really really difficult and you didn't cause it, at least directly, it's not your fault.
And even if it was your fault, you would have already offered to help, I'm sure, or try to figure out a way to fix it.
But if that didn't work or it's not working, there's nothing more you can do.
This is one of those things where you say, hey, I'm here to help.
If you need me reach out, which is an answer to one of these other questions, like how do you stop feeling guilty when you decide to stop reaching out?
I just gave you the answer.
You offer something as a final act of kindness.
This is one way to approach it.
In my opinion, when you have to let someone go, when you have to disconnect Because they're a constant drain on you or they're toxic or abusive or whatever,
And you have any guilty feelings, first of all, that's because you care.
You are compassionate.
You don't want other people to suffer.
And you believe that disconnecting from them will make them suffer.
And, whether that's true or not, if they're being harmful, if they are draining you, if they are toxic in any way, then disconnecting from them is helpful to both of you.
It stops their cycle of harmful or abusive behavior and it prevents you from continuing to be exposed to that.
And so you help each other by taking the step away from a toxic cycle.
I see that as a gift to any toxic person.
It is a gift to step away and let them figure out what they need to do differently or what they need to heal.
Because in most cases, toxic people usually can't heal when the target of their toxicity is present.
Not all the time, but this is what happens.
Most cases, toxic people have a difficult time stopping being harmful when the target of their harm is still present or in their proximity.
A toxic person has difficulty stopping when the target of their harmful behavior is still in their life.
So sometimes we do need to step away so they can find healing if they want.
Because some people don't believe they're bad enough because people are still around.
Hey, if I were really toxic, you'd be gone.
So I can't be that toxic.
And so they continue being who they are.
I see that in emotionally abusive relationships all the time.
And some people can heal together after you have a conversation with them and say look, every time you do that it hurts me.
Will you please stop hurting me?
And if they say, oh my God, I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to hurt you.
Maybe they'll work on themselves.
But when that doesn't happen, when they don't acknowledge, when they don't take responsibility or they just cannot see the fault, then one of you has to step away.
One of you has to step away at least long enough for them to reflect on their own behaviors, take the focus off of you because you're no longer there, or you don't have to move out if you're in a relationship, but just kind of disconnect in many ways.
Like this person has to disconnect from her sister for a while.
Maybe indefinitely, until her sister either comes to a conclusion herself that she needs to work on herself.
She needs to work on things.
She needs to figure out her life or not.
Maybe she won't figure it out.
Maybe she'll always be blaming the other person and blaming the world for all her problems.
In the meantime, at least you won't be exposed to that.
The person who wrote to me.
At least you won't be exposed to that, if you choose, or if you're choosing to disconnect.
But coming back to her question, she asked them How do you stop feeling guilty when you decide to stop reaching out?
First thing I already talked about, which is know that this is a gift.
It's a gift to her because she is holding onto the burden of control.
That's what I call it.
It's a burden to want to control others.
It's a burden to want to hurt others, to be harmful, because the controlling harmful, emotionally abusive person is.
It's always on their mind.
They're always thinking about what other people are doing.
What is she doing now?
And I'm going to be so angry when she does that.
I'm going to try to control her.
I'm going to say this.
I'm going to say that.
It's just rolling around in their mind all the time.
The thoughts about wanting to control others and not wanting others to be who they are and not accepting others.
It's always in there.
So I call it like a burden of control.
It's a burden to hold on to.
So when we leave or disconnect from somebody who's toxic or abusive, we are helping them relieve that burden.
It sounds like a sales pitch.
I know it's like you're trying to sell the customer what they already want, but it's really true.
It's true.
When you leave someone whose sole focus is on you all the time and the world outside of them that they are a victim to and they believe that everyone else is harming them and just a problem, and they are not the problem.
When they are finally alone and they can have their own thoughts without being so focused on everyone else.
That's when some healing can come in, if they choose to.
So that gives the opportunity.
That's why you don't have to feel guilty when you leave somebody like that, because that's the opportunity for them.
This person's sister might try to make her feel guilty.
How do we feel guilty?
We feel guilty when either A we did something wrong and we know it or, B we did nothing wrong and somebody wants us to feel like we did.
And so if somebody is trying to make you feel like you did something wrong when you didn't, what they're doing is playing on your emotions.
And they figure out how to play you like a fiddle.
They figure out What makes you feel bad?
What makes you feel sad?
What makes you feel guilty?
They figure it out by you showing affect.
You showing your emotions on the outside.
What does that mean?
Your affect could be your facial expression, your body language, the inflection in your voice, the words you use.
I'm so sorry.
Look at that.
There's like two or three characteristics right there.
The words, I'm so sorry.
My inflection, I'm so sorry, is high in pitch.
And I guarantee you my facial expression has that sad look like I've hurt you when I say I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
This is what they read.
Toxic manipulative people read these things in you.
And so by showing them your internal emotional state externally, by revealing it to them, they have an opportunity to take advantage of that.
And if you're around somebody who takes advantage of your emotions, You know what this feels like, but that's how they do it.
They read you and it's very subconscious to most of them because they're so good at it.
They've done it for a long time.
And if you are conscious of what you are expressing, how you are showing up visually and auditorily, if you are aware of that, then you can pull back.
Just like I said um showing somebody compassion when they are playing the victim and you say, oh my God, how can I help you?
All of that goes into how they feed off of you.
I'll put it that way.
It's like an emotional drain.
They're feeding off of you.
And so if you are presenting yourself the same way every time and you feel drained after that, they're feeding off your affect, for lack of a better term.
That's actually the perfect term.
They're feeding off of your external presentation of your internal emotions.
And that will be what they use against you.
So that's why the guilt comes as well.
But another way to help you stop feeling guilty with somebody that you're going to disconnect from is give them a final invitation.
Like you can reach out to me anytime.
What does this do?
It does the same thing I was talking about earlier, which is putting them on the spot to take responsibility and reach out to you or ask you a question, because the person who plays the victim doesn't want help.
They don't want to resolve anything.
And if they are putting you down and making you feel guilty uh, By saying if you need me, I'm here.
I love you.
I care about you.
I will absolutely do whatever I can to help you.
And then you leave the ball in their court.
Now it makes them responsible for their own life again.
At least, you know, adding to what I talked about earlier.
Making them responsible for them to reach out to you.
And in this person's case, she probably won't ever reach out because it might feel insecure for her sister to reach out.
It might feel like a very vulnerable thing to reach out to say I'm not as strong as I present myself, which that strength is coming through as being intimidating or putting the other person down, belittling and showing her sister you know the other person showing the person who wrote to me that she is inferior, and all this other way.
So it's kind of like a bully behavior.
And so for someone to be in that kind of intimidating space, to be vulnerable and ask for help usually doesn't happen, which is why I say Hey, you can put your olive branch out and say You can reach out to me anytime you need me.
I'm here for you.
I'm your sister.
I love you.
And I just want you to be happy, whatever.
And you leave that with her, even if that's in an email or a text.
Hey, I'm here if you ever need me, just reach out and then you leave it.
And what that does again is make them responsible for their own life by reaching out to you or anyone else for help.
That doesn't mean you're abandoning them.
It means you are there in a way that is resourceful and healthy for both of you.
It's healthy for both of you to let the person reach out to you because how it has been working hasn't worked.
If you've always been reaching out to her and she never reaches back, it doesn't work.
So we need to establish a new way to communicate, a new foundation of the relationship.
And that foundation might just be you saying, I love you.
I'm here if you need me.
Just reach out.
How can an offer like that make you feel guilty?
It can't.
You've done everything you can to show her that you'll be there.
Now what may and probably will end up happening, I'm going to predict, is that the sister will be upset.
Be angry.
Oh, you're never here to help me.
Oh, you say that now after all these years, she's going to try to make you feel guilty again.
But stick to your guns on the I love you.
I'm here to help you.
If you need me, just reach out.
Oh, you were never here before.
Well, I am today.
You know, don't even argue with her.
I am today.
And from this point on, I'm here for you.
Just let me know.
And then you're done.
You gave it to her.
You gave the ball to her and she can serve it back and say okay, let's have a relationship, or she can let you go.
So that's one way to look at that as well.
Were some other questions in here, but um, i got the majority of what i believe is a a productive way to handle this relationship like.
One of our other questions was when is it okay to give up a family member?
That word give up, i don't necessarily prefer it.
I prefer protect yourself, So you're not necessarily giving up on them.
You're just saying, I need to do this for me.
I need to take care of myself now, because this relationship and I'm not saying you say this to her, but in your mind or in your journal or whatever I need to protect myself now because I've tried to work things out with her, but I need to work on myself now.
I need to give love to myself that I tried to give to her.
I need to be compassionate toward myself that I was trying to show toward her.
And she's not able to accept it at this time.
I still have it.
I don't want to lose it.
So I'm going to put it toward myself now.
Not that I wasn't before, but now I'm fully committed to myself and I'm going to say this is what I need to do for me.
And I'm going to move in that direction toward me.
So this is all about personal boundaries.
Personal boundaries.
My definition is what you will and won't accept, and then enforcing that or honoring that in yourself.
So If somebody is harmful to you in any way or draining to you in any way, it's time to ask yourself will I continue to accept this?
If the answer is no, it's a very rational question.
If the answer is no, then you need to work on yourself.
You need to put the energy toward yourself so that you can have an abundant supply of love and compassion and care for her when she reaches back out.
So you fill your own cup and then you feel abundant inside of you so that when she reaches back out if she ever does you'll have plenty for her.
But we don't want to fall into the traps that some people set for us.
They know how to trap us from our affect, from our emotional expressions, from our voice, from the words we use.
And if what we do continues to drain us, then we need to do something differently.
If that means we have to change our words, change how we approach people and show them that we still care, but we're not going to continue to offer help because they never take it anyway, then we just say i'm here if you need me and you just leave them be, and then hopefully they will understand that in order to have a relationship, it works both ways.
It's not always about taking, it's also about asking, it's also about giving, of course, but it's If somebody's always taking and making you feel bad and draining you.
It's time to change how this operates, because it doesn't work for both people.
It may work for the one that is feeling energized by being the intimidating or bully or playing the victim or whatever it is.
But obviously it doesn't work for the target of that behavior.
So back to the question, when is it okay to give up on a family member?
Let's just reword that to when is it okay to start putting all that energy that I was putting toward her, toward myself?
When is it okay to honor myself and get away from any toxic elements so that I can fill my own cup?
That's how I see this question.
Personal boundaries is never against someone else.
It's always for you.
And like I always say, the people who love you and support you want you to have personal boundaries.
So if she is having trouble loving and supporting you, honoring yourself, then she has stuff to work on.
She needs to work on herself, because people who love you and support you want you to love and honor yourself, because they know that's what makes you happy.
That is not giving up on them.
That is coming through for you and them.
It's coming through for both of you, but you come through for yourself and you'll have enough energy for others when they need you if you want to give it.
And I didn't read this person's email.
I just read like bits and pieces of it and got the questions out of it.
But there's one thing that she wrote that I want to mention.
And she said, I told my sister, I hope we don't have a strained relationship.
And her sister put it all back on her and said, that's going to be up to you.
And so this is her sister, again putting all the responsibility for the relationship, for the communication, back on her sister.
And that is a great opportunity for the person who wrote to me.
That is a great opportunity for you to say, well, I'm here if you need me.
Because this is.
I bet if you wrote back to me you would probably tell me she always leaves it up to me.
Like, I'm supposed to apologize.
I'm supposed to make the next move.
I'm supposed to do the next thing.
If that's the case, this is exactly what's happening again.
Remember that people like this, they know exactly what to say to make you feel bad.
They know exactly what to say to make you think you're doing the wrong thing, to make you think that you are the bad guy, that you aren't loving them in the way they need to feel love.
And they're going to make you feel responsible for everything until you get to the point where Where you just say you're right, I'm the worst.
And you then play the victim.
And I tell you what, that won't even work.
But they want you there.
That's where they want you.
They want you to feel low.
Lower than them.
Lower than they feel about themselves.
So that they can have some feeling of superiority or power over you.
And I'm being unfair.
I have your side, not her side.
I know that there are circumstances and I know that there are two sides of the story, but this is the only side I have to work with.
And if it's all true, then everything I say is legit.
It's valid and it can be helpful or maybe helpful.
So I hope it helps you.
Thank you so much for writing.
And thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank one patron this week, Wanda.
Thank you so much for supporting the show.
I don't know where everybody else disappeared to, but...
You're the only one on my list this week, and I am so grateful for you.
I have singled you out.
Thank you, Wanda.
Hope you're listening so you can hear this.
I appreciate everyone that gives to the show.
You can do so at moretob.com if you find value and you want to give back.
Thank you again, patrons.
I am grateful for all of you.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabusecom.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, like somebody I talked about today, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeingcom.
And that is where I help controlling and manipulative and emotionally abusive people change and heal and stop doing that stuff and stop ruining their relationships so they can enjoy life and enjoy the people that they're around and those people can enjoy them too.
That's over at healedbeing.com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
