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Headspace Studio Just because a relationship ends, it doesn't mean it's a failure.
It can open up other possibilities and that's where reconnecting with yourself comes in.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
someone you could lean on for their advice, someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
Hello, everyone. I am so excited to be here for another episode of Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit down with a Headspace meditation teacher and we answer your questions about family relationships and sometimes how to get into them.
and sometimes how to get out of them.
And I am Robin Hopkins and I am here today with the Eve, hello Eve.
Hello Robin, am I the Robin?
The Robin, that's too associated with like Batman it just doesn't work the same as like the Eve.
Just like it's a thing.
Well we've got exciting things in store for you and I know how much you in particular like surprises.
We've got this. Who told you that?
No one, that's why I said it.
We've got in this ongoing effort to at Dear Headspace to get to know our teachers more on a personal level.
We want to, do rapid fire questions with you.
And you know, cause it's your turn today Eve.
So are you ready? I'm ready.
Okay. Okay. I'm sensing a little trepidation.
All right. We're going for it.
Okay. All right. What TV show are you currently telling everyone that they should be watching right now?
And also why? The Mandalorian.
I love that show. I'm a bit of a sci -fi geek in that respect.
Alright, look at this.
We're already getting to know you.
Okay. Alright. What job would you be terrible at?
Maths teacher or geography teacher.
Basically a teacher.
Well, but you're a teacher.
That's what's hilarious.
Depends on what I'm teaching.
yeah okay all right your next question is if you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport what would you have a good chance of winning a medal for my ability to open the fridge and if there's nothing in there make a meal out of something really I'm really really good at working with few ingredients but still somehow coming up with something hilarious okay all right what song have you completely memorized hmm well okay so one of my all -time favorite songs tunes is Bob Marley No Woman No Cry oh so I feel like when that's on I could genuinely sing that from start to finish but I'm I could do
it without hearing it.
Oh, okay. This is one of my, we're asking this question to all the teachers.
It's one of my favorites.
If you had one wish that is not for the betterment of humanity, but for the betterment of the Eve, I have to say the Eve, what would it be?
So we can go superpowers.
You can go anywhere you want to go.
Okay. I'd want to fly and I'd also want to be able to speak multiple languages.
What languages? I mean probably all of the languages.
I could just be the Duolingo app.
That would be pretty cool.
All right. This one's easy.
Are you usually early or late?
Starting by today, late.
Okay, and our last question, in honor of one of our questions today, what's one thing that you do that makes you feel empowered?
So I have a group of girlfriends, we call it like our sisterhood circle.
It's a place to share news, struggles, achievements.
And so if I'm wanting to celebrate something or I'm perhaps feeling worried or nervous about something, I'll generally reach out to my girls and very quickly they will make me feel better about something, more empowered, more inspired, more reassured.
Yeah. My crew. I love that.
My tribe. Well I loved all of your answers and now I feel empowered to take us to our listener questions.
Today we really have a wide spectrum of topics.
We're gonna be answering questions about trouble focusing on boring tasks, empowerment and self -trust and when our pets face illness.
So starting us off, our first question is from Dana.
Hi, dear Headspace, love the show.
My name is Deinhard and I live in Switzerland and I have a question about distraction, motivation, and focus, particularly around work.
I frequently find myself when faced with quite challenging or even kind of boring tasks at work, and being quite distracted, and very quickly I'll find myself scrolling through Facebook or looking at some YouTube video instead of actually doing the task at.
I tried to frame it in the context of that I have the feeling mind and the thinking mind, and maybe this sort of feeling monkey mind is starting to take over, but I We still find it hard to actually figure out how to really focus on the task and especially dealing with the distractions.
Do you have any tips on this?
Thanks a lot. Oh, Dana, this is a fantastic question.
And what's so funny is before we hit record, both Eve and I were talking about how we have too many bookmarks and a hundred and fifty seven tabs open because I have like, I'm just a massive multitasker.
which I think often lends itself to this problem.
So this is such a great question.
I couldn't agree more.
I think so many people will struggle with exactly this, Dana.
So thank you for asking this.
And, actually, as I was listening, it reminded me that I'm not the only one who gets distracted, and especially so when we've gotta do something that maybe feels really big and challenging, or on the flip side, we're just not as interested in, or it's boring.
And I think often the idea of doing something is often worse than actually doing it, and not maybe always the case, but quite often, and when we start, we see that actually it's not as bad as we thought it would be.
I think the good news is here, Dana, is that you're already very aware that you're getting distracted.
You know, you're noticing that monkey mind or that you're looking for other things to distract you and take you away from the task in hand.
And this is actually good, this is something we can work with.
And the fact that you're getting distracted isn't actually a bad thing.
We live in a very distracting world, technology, 24 seven ways of people always getting in touch with us.
There's many ways in which we can seek distraction, but I think it's, it can be interesting to look at what's happening in the mind when this happens.
You know, when it comes to doing something that we don't want to do, or not interested in, we can quickly label those things as like boring or uninspiring or challenging, and that essentially reinforces that we don't want to do it.
And then the mind will look for other stimuli to occupy its attention.
So hence the Facebook scrolling, hence the YouTube videos.
And look, I also want to stress Dana, we all do this.
It's part of, you know, who we are as human beings.
We will seek distractions when we don't necessarily want to do something.
So there's definitely some tips and tools that we can talk through in terms of how you can approach this.
But I think at a starting point, the fact that you're aware is amazing.
And try not to give yourself a hard time, because distractions will, they will happen.
And also, like I've noticed it, it's worse now because I work from home.
And there's a lot of guilt that comes along with it too.
I used to get up and my friend would be, my coworker would be walking to the bathroom.
I'd be like, Oh, I'll go with you, and I'll get a snack.
Like we had all these built -in, like water cooler moments where we took breaks in our brain.
And we're not meant to sit in one place for eight straight hours and power through things.
Yeah, exactly. It's that change of scenery.
And obviously, Dana, don't know if you're back in the office or if you're at home, but either way, I think these feelings of distraction are actually probably only increasing, partly because technology, even though it's so incredibly helpful, you're just a couple of clicks away from going down.
an Instagram rabbit hole, and so I think we would, as Robin said, when we were chatting, being mindful of how many tabs do you have open?
Even just a ping and a buzz can completely take us away and actually when we see a ping or we hear a buzz or we see a like or a comment the dopamine response in the brain is activated.
And so we just want more of those things and And that's often why you can suddenly look at your clock and think, oh my goodness I just spent 45 minutes watching videos of rabbits or goats doing yoga.
So I think going back to your question specifically around work, because I feel like that's where you're noticing it the most, is depending on the size of the task, I think it can be helpful to break it down into smaller chunks.
Yes, absolutely. And of course, this will vary, depending on, like I said, the size of the project, how much is involved.
But often when you look at something in its entirety, it can feel so incredibly overwhelming and I actually remember when I was asked to head up and lead the charge on building out a team of meditation teachers here at Headspace.
I remember thinking to myself, where do I even start?
And I was so overwhelmed and what really helped was we broke down exactly what was involved.
And so it didn't feel like we had to solve everything all at once.
And in doing that, you can set yourself more manageable goals that you can then feel a reward every time you check one off.
And, of course, that's for a bigger project.
If it's, you know, something smaller that's maybe going to take a couple of hours or something, like Robin said, break it down.
Yeah. Do 20 minutes, get up, change a scene, make a cup of tea, make a cup of coffee, do something that feels nice and nourishing, and then come back.
Yeah, and this I'm interested your take on this Eve from a mindfulness perspective is it's like I got to just have a talking to with myself like I have to just be like, right now, I need to do this thing and I have to finish this one full task even if it's a small task.
I've to finish it before I'm allowed to click over here and I'm curious how that like syncs up with like that mindful approach. I think you can approach situations like that in a similar way that you were to doing a meditation, you know, and of course, this is a really good example of, you know, mindfulness in action, meditation in action is, you know, say you set yourself to do a 15 -minute meditation.
And you know that you will get distracted because the mind is constantly seeking stimuli and stimulus.
And so knowing that it's just 15 minutes, knowing that things like boredom or maybe some frustration may arise, but if that's happening, you know, in the task that you're doing, or the work that you're carrying out, just using that as an opportunity to just practice letting go of the distraction and then coming back to what it is that you're doing, and that's actually a really, really great way to continue to strengthen that focus, strengthen that resilience.
and, look, it's okay to admit that things are boring.
Yeah, like there's no judgment.
Some things are boring.
Yeah. And you're not going to be inspired by everything you do.
Yeah. And I think just recognizing, you know, how you feel when that sense of boredom arises.
And actually, rather than feeding into that boredom, this is so boring.
I'm so frustrated. I can't be bothered to do this.
Stupid weekly reports.
Exactly, just seeing if you can just sit with that and use it as a practice because in our lives we're going to have to do things we don't want to do, all the time actually and so I think if you can balance it with, okay I'm going to focus on this 20, 30 minutes and then I get to do something that feels a little bit more rewarding, a little bit more enjoyable.
Yeah. So I think you know we do have to work with our conditions.
We do have to work within our environment and recognize that yeah, some things in life suck.
Well that, that's just wonderful advice, Eve.
I mean, it's like, we're really just talking about two things.
We're talking about the mindfulness side of it, you know, being aware and using it as a opportunity to build your practice and to focus on the task at hand.
And then there's the support side of things of like all of the things that you can bring in in order to help support yourself because work today is not necessarily designed for us not to wander off.
So everything that you said was really valuable and wonderful and Dana, we wish you the best of luck with this and keep us posted.
Let us know how this all goes.
Thanks, Dana. All right.
Let's move on to our next question from Fred.
This is Fred from Michigan.
What are the best ways to meditate on very difficult life or death decisions?
My best friend of eight years was recently diagnosed with terminal heart condition by her vet, and I'm faced with a literal life or death decision on how to proceed.
I have the option to have a humane euthanization performed while she is still in relatively low pain, or continuing with invasive and costly treatments, which may only extend her life by a matter of months, but the potential of worse suffering.
I'm really struggling with this as I have used meditation over the years to successfully cope with anxiety, depression, death, and loss, thanks to headspace.
But I've never been in this position before where I have to make this decision.
Every time I try to tackle it on the cushion, I'm overwhelmed with feelings of sadness and loss, as well as facing shame and regrets if I proceed with either path.
How can I use my meditation practice to at least make facing this decision mindfully easier?
Thank you. Oh, Fred, thank you for your question.
I mean, you can just, you can just hear it in his voice where he's at with this process.
So, you know, our heart goes out to you.
Yeah, I'm so sorry, Fred about your pet's diagnosis.
And no wonder you're grappling with this decision.
This is really difficult.
And just thank you for sending in your question.
and as Robin said, our hearts go out to you.
I think overwhelmingly what I heard through your question is just you love her so much and that you don't want her to suffer, which of course makes this decision even harder.
And I think it's very normal to second guess what would be the right decision because they're both so difficult.
Yeah I had a a situation similar to this it wasn't a terminal illness diagnosis but my cat who was just the most delightful cat ever Sam and she was 19 and when we took her to the vet I think the thing for us that was so helpful was that the vet helped us make that decision because I just I did not feel like I could make some huge decision and it's just it's a really hard space.
Yeah, I was going to say as well, I think, speaking with your vet, if you feel like you're perhaps not getting maybe the right support or some guidance and direction, you can also always seek out a second opinion.
I think what it sounds like you're struggling with is you don't want to make the wrong decision or feel like you've made the wrong decision.
So having as much support and guidance and help to navigate this, I think will really help.
So whether that's leaning on friends, family, but also ensuring that you feel like you are equipped with all the information and guidance that you need.
I think in terms of your meditation practice, because you specifically asked, you know, how can my practice support me in making this decision?
I think the first thing to say, Fred, is allow yourself to feel into your emotions and in a way, let them guide you.
It's okay to feel sad.
It's okay to even feel angry that you have to make this decision because you're also facing the fact that you're losing her.
And so many feelings and emotions are going to be tied together.
And, of course, when we face loss or any difficulty, it feels desperately hard. And we don't want to feel those feelings or face those emotions.
But if you can embrace them, I feel in a way that can help support you in making this decision.
And you may find doing a reflection or a contemplation meditation helpful.
So for example, you could start with a very gentle reflection.
So sit as you would in doing a normal meditation, you know, get comfortable, spend a few minutes just settling the mind and the body, perhaps focusing on your breath to start with.
And then perhaps just pose a question, like what would make her feel comfortable?
Yeah. And instead of trying to answer the question immediately, just see what naturally arises and you don't need to analyze, you don't need to judge.
It's very normal that there would be some commentary around that, but perhaps lean into the feelings, lean into, you know, what your body's telling you, and then when you're ready and only when you feel ready, may expand that out further and perhaps reflect or contemplate on a question like, how would I feel if I saw her enduring more pain and suffering and as I said before allow what surface is to help guide you and navigate you.
Because I think ultimately you know consider what it would do to you both if you pursue a path of aggressive treatment and there's a lot more pain and suffering for you and for her.
Yeah. I really want to say a plus one on the second opinion, because the first doctor that we took our cat to was an overnight doctor.
And it wasn't that she was rude.
She was just very cold and very scientific about it.
And when I went to the second doctor, I called some friends and they said, go to this person they were so wonderful and she looked me in the eyes and I will never forget it.
It was the most beautiful moment.
And she said, you know, she's had a really good life and you gave her a very good home.
And she said, and I want you to think about, you know, what this would do to her if you continue this.
And that released me of the feeling that I was having predominantly, which was guilt, so that's why I second the second opinion and it made it as as painless as it could possibly be, in a hard situation.
I think also though, this is also a time for you to remember all of the incredible, happy memories that you have with her.
And as Robin said, the amazing life that you've given her.
And while you can, perhaps doing some of the things she really loves and creating more of those memories that will last a lifetime.
And Fred, we're with you, we're sending you love and we know this is a difficult decision.
And most importantly, Fred, make sure that you're taking care of yourself.
The road ahead may feel quite bumpy, but just know that we're here for you.
There is actually a course in the app called Grieving, if that is something that perhaps you might find helpful.
Of course, please speak to friends and family and you may even want to consider some grief counseling, but just some things to help you navigate the road ahead and not just in making this decision but making sure that you're taking care of yourself and how you're processing the decision and the grief that you may experience.
And take care, Fred.
Thank you so much for your question.
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Okay, all right, so we are going to turn a little bit of a corner and we have our final question from Emma Dear headspace.
My name is Emma and my question relates to how to Feel more empowered about yourself.
I've been in a relationship for a very long time and Now that my partner and I have split up.
I find it very difficult to Trust myself in my own decisions about life about my work about everything really, and I'm feeling a little bit lost in that regard and I was wondering if you have any tips when you come out of a relationship how do you start to trust yourself again?
Thank you very much in advance.
Oh thank you, Emma, thank you for listening and thank you for your question.
I mean it's it's tough when you come out of a relationship right, Eve?
I mean I think in a way Sometimes you can become, I'm not suggesting codependent, but you can become part of a little team and get very used to checking in with other people for, well, what should we do on this?
And then all of a sudden it's just you who's the end all be all of all decisions and that can be daunting.
And yeah, Emma, thank you so much for sending in your question.
And I'm sorry that you're going through this, whether it was your decision, a joint decision, or for your partner's decision, you know, it does take time to process a breakup, and you know, as Robin said, when we are in a relationship with someone else, we're essentially merging and intertwining with another person.
Yeah. And so, of course, that might mean that, you know, our needs and our wants adapt to meet and compromise with this person, and, of course, if you've been with someone for a really long period of time, which it sounds like you have, you may perhaps have forgotten in many ways even what your own goals and some of your own dreams may have been.
Yeah, it's easy to become a one unit moving everything forward as a pair.
Absolutely, and I would really encourage you to try not to rush the process because this is actually a time for you to reset in a way, to recharge and perhaps draw some wisdom from the relationship ending, you know, just because a relationship ends, it doesn't mean it's a failure.
And of course I don't know the full context, but a relationship ending is an ending, it isn't a rejection or a failure, and I think just reminding yourself that it's come to an end for a reason, and recognizing that that can also, whilst it might not feel like it right now, it can open up other possibilities, and that's where reconnecting with yourself comes in.
You know, it's a chance to, you know, reconnect with yourself and remember all of the things that were beautiful about yourself and all of the things that were strong and extraordinary and, you know, you may have forgotten that side of yourself a bit, but all of those things are still there, even if they're buried deep inside.
Yeah, that's such a good point, and I've been thinking this throughout this episode with all the questions about getting back to your gut instincts and about getting back to your connection with yourself.
I'm a person who often knows exactly what I want to do, what I want to do, how I want to do it, and how quickly I want it done, but my wife is not that at all.
and we went to a couples therapist for a while after we had one of our kids and the couples therapist said something to her that I have never forgotten I thought was so powerful and such great advice she said Mary she said well I want you to put yourself in the center of the room and she said I want you to put Robin in the corner I want you to put your sister in the corner I want you to put everyone else who has an opinion in a corner and she said and now I want you to ask that question of what do you want and she was like oh well then that's easy, I want pizza.
You know it's like she was always thinking everything, every decision through someone else's vantage point other than her own and it was like she needed a tool to be able to say what what is it that I want to do?
Yeah you you're essentially, you are in a situation now where you have full permission to do what you want, when you want of course I'm sure within reason depending on work and other thing, but when a relationship ends, you have to unmerge from this other person.
And essentially the future that you perhaps thought was going to happen is now no longer a possibility.
And that can feel really daunting and really scary.
But it also can be exciting.
When I was listening to what Robin was saying about her wife and making those decisions for herself, you could start small and over the next few weeks and days, even just allowing yourself to make one decision for yourself a day, and that could be as simple as I'm going to have a bubble bath and I don't need to do anything else for anybody else.
It's just about me because I actually think it does take a bit of practice to start doing things for ourselves again and thinking about and considering what is it that I actually need.
Especially if we've been in a really long relationship where you may not have even realized how much you were putting the needs of someone else before your own.
And so go slow with this because it can take a bit of time.
And as Robin shared, talk to people, whether it's your friends, family, your tribe, maybe speaking with like a relationship coach, someone who's perhaps impartial that can help you untangle, essentially from the relationship, because when we're in something can often feel like a, you know, two balls of wool have gotten completely messed up and tangled up together.
And it does take a bit of time unpicking and untangling, but I think voicing how you're feeling, discussing it with friends, family, of course, any way you feel comfortable.
But as I said at the beginning, allow yourself this time because this is actually the one opportunity and the one chance, as painful as it might be for you to remember who you are.
I plus one all of that Eve, one of the things you said earlier, Eve, that's really a great distinction is there's the need side of this, and then there's a want side of this.
And the need side of this is self -care and untangling and, and finding your way back to yourself.
And then they think that opens the door to the want side of things of, I would love to take myself to San Francisco for the weekend, or I would love to climb up mountain, you just allowing yourself that freedom to play into to to dream about what you want because i think when you start saying yes to things like more of you shows up yeah like get comfortable prioritizing you yes and i can't wait to hear all about emma getting back to emma i think this is this is wonderful just step i can't yeah i'm envisioning a moment where she sees herself in the mirror and it's like, oh, there you are, I've
missed you. Like she's still in there, she's waiting for you and she can't wait to come out and play.
And like you said, take it slowly and without judgment and be kind to yourself but she's there, Emma's there.
In a way Emma, you're starting a new relationship and that is the relationship with yourself.
So see that as this exciting new path where you're getting to know Emma again.
You're dating yourself.
Yeah. And you're, you're, you're on a path to learning to love yourself again and trusting yourself again.
And for sure, there'll be some bumps in the road, but you've got this and we're here to help and support in any way we can.
Well, those were absolutely fantastic questions, Eve.
They were just fantastic.
Yeah, really amazing questions.
and I feel like a lot of listeners can relate to some of the struggles that Dana, Fred and Emma were going through and just so incredibly grateful for your vulnerability in sharing and really would genuinely love to hear how you get on.
So just thank you, thank you so much. Absolutely and to any other listeners out there, if you want a chance to have your question under headspace, all you have to do is head over to sayhi .chat slash dear headspace.
It's in the show notes.
Follow the prompts to record your question, and if we end up using your question on the show, you're going to get three months of headspace, which you can keep it, you can give it away.
We're not judging. Whatever you do with it.
But before we say goodbye, we want to offer you a moment to process all that you've just heard. See it as a way to transition from this moment to the next in your day as you listen to sounds recorded at a dormant volcano in a national park.
Let your mind do whatever it wants to do.
Until next time, stay happy and stay healthy and be kind to yourself and each other.
Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast. It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorensen.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohen, Baron Farmar, and Danny Krissimi.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Ksanga Ghiscombe, Dora Komao, Samantha Snowden and Eve Lewis -Prieto.
Sound recording and post -production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Murguilla.
And a very special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
