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To celebrate the new season of Grim Grimmer Grimmest, I am uploading another Adam's Secrets episode.
This is an episode that we put out a couple of years ago, but I re-listened to and sort of took a walk down memory lane, remembering how it was recorded, the experience of recording it and some little tidbits about the story and the experience of making this episode.
So enjoy this episode.
And at the end, stay tuned for a little director's cut walk down memory lane with me.
And don't forget, if you want to hear all the episodes without ads, you can subscribe at pinnafm and use code grim with two Ms for a discount.
I hope you enjoy the episode.
Hi.
My name is Adam Gidwitz.
I'm an author.
I'm also a storyteller.
I like telling all kinds of stories, but I especially like telling grim fairy tales.
You may think you know grim fairy tales, and you may think that they are sweet and boring.
But listen, those tales you heard were the cute, happy little kid bedtime versions of the grim tales.
The original grim fairy tales aren't like that at all.
They're weird.
And sometimes gross.
And often scary.
In other words, they're grim.
And I'm about to walk into a classroom and tell one of the original grim, grim tales to a bunch of kids.
Do you want to join me?
Do you want to hear a grim fairy tale?
Let me help you decide.
On a scale of grim, grimmer, and grimmest, the story I'm going to tell today is Grimmer.
It's not the scariest story, but it's definitely suspenseful, and there is one very evil scheme.
If I get to a part of the story and you start to feel scared or uncomfortable, this is what you could do.
You could turn down the volume and count to five, then turn the volume back up.
If it still seems like a part you don't want to hear, just turn the volume down and count to five again.
You know how much weird and gross and scary you're ready for.
You know what you need.
Okay, I'm at the classroom door now.
There are kids inside, waiting to hear a grim fairy tale.
So, are you coming in?
Grim, Grimmer, Grimmest.
Here's my question, though.
If all of the books in the library were chocolate, would you want to eat them or leave them so you could read them?
Or maybe eat them.
Wait, read them.
You say eat them.
Maybe if you could eat them, you'd get the story in your brain.
That would be amazing.
No, you'd get it in your stomach.
Yeah, that's true.
All right, let's do it.
The Water of Life.
Once upon a time, there was a king who was very sick, and all the doctors said he was sure to die.
The king had three sons.
The eldest two were sad but said that their father was old and it was time for the kingdom to pass to them.
But the youngest son desperately wanted his father to live and asked every doctor in the kingdom if there was any way to save him.
Every doctor said no.
It was impossible to save the king.
Until at last, one said, Well, if you could find the water of life, he might live.
But that's impossible.
Besides, I don't know if it even really exists.
When the king's youngest son heard of the water of life, he was filled with hope.
He announced, I shall find it and save my father's life.
His brothers, though, were not pleased.
The eldest brother said, We cannot let him go.
If he finds the water of life, surely our father will give the kingdom to him and not to one of us.
And then the eldest brother thought to himself, I will go.
Either I will find it and our father will give me the kingdom, or our father will die while I am gone, and still I will inherit the kingdom.
What do we think of the eldest brother?
He's evil.
You think he's evil?
He's kind of greedy because he really wants the kingdom.
He does?
So the eldest brother announced his intention to his father and brothers and set off to find the water of life.
The eldest brother was galloping along on his steed when he came across a blue dwarf on the road.
You heard that right.
A dwarf who was blue.
A smurf?
Not a smurf.
Let's be clear.
It is a blue dwarf.
Not a smurf.
Very different.
Very different.
As the eldest brother went galloping by, the blue dwarf called out, Where are you going so fast?
But the eldest brother bellowed, Out of my way!
And he swatted the blue dwarf with his riding crotch.
Well, the blue dwarf did not like that.
He cursed the eldest brother as the brother galloped away.
Not cursed at him.
Cursed him.
Cursed at him means used a bad word.
What does cursed him mean?
It's probably like spelling him or something.
Exactly.
The eldest brother soon found himself in a ravine, which is a very narrow valley.
It became narrower and narrower.
The eldest brother tried to push ahead, but eventually the ravine was so tight that the eldest brother could go neither forward nor backward.
He was stuck fast.
Back in the castle, the king and his two remaining sons became more and more worried about the eldest brother.
Until one day the youngest brother announced I shall go out and find my eldest brother and the water of life and bring them both home.
But the middle brother thought to himself My little brother just wants all the credit so that he will inherit my father's kingdom.
So the middle brother announced that he would go instead.
And off he went.
The middle brother was galloping along on his horse when he came across the same blue dwarf not a Smurf in the road.
Why is this?
What did you say?
Definitely a Smurf.
As the middle brother approached, The blue dwarf called out, Where are you going so fast?
But the middle brother bellowed, Out of my way!
And he struck the blue dwarf with his riding prop.
Well, the blue dwarf decided that these were two of the rottenest brothers he had ever met, and he cursed the middle one too.
The middle brother soon found himself in a wood.
The brambles became thicker and thicker.
The middle brother tried to push ahead, but eventually the brambles were so thick that he could neither go forward nor backward.
He was stuck fast.
Back in the castle, the king and his youngest son were very worried indeed.
At last the youngest announced I will go out and find my brothers and the water of life and bring them home.
And off he went.
The youngest brother was galloping along on his horse when he came across the same blue dwarf in the road.
The blue dwarf considered just cursing the youngest brother before even asking his question, as he was sick to death of these princes galloping along on their horses, totally disobeying the speed limits that would one day exist on these roads.
But this prince somehow looked different from his brothers.
So the blue dwarf decided to take a chance.
Where are you going so fast?
The blue dwarf asked.
And then he raised his hands to protect himself, because you can never tell with princes.
But the youngest brother would never smack a strange blue dwarf in the face with a riding crop.
He pulled up his horse and answered the blue dwarf.
I am looking for the water of life.
My father is very sick.
Also, I'm looking for my brothers.
Have you seen them?
Oh, I've seen them, said the blue dwarf.
But I wouldn't worry about them.
They're no good.
I can help you find the water of life if you like.
I would like.
And so the blue dwarf told the youngest brother where it was.
The water of life sat in a well in a courtyard of an enchanted castle.
The blue dwarf explained, If you're kind and good of heart, it shouldn't be much trouble to get it.
The youngest brother journeyed for a short time, and soon he was at the enchanted castle.
The road leading up to it was made of iron and the youngest brother's horse's hooves made strange clacking sounds as he rode down the center of the iron road.
When the youngest brother arrived at the castle gate, he was greeted by a beautiful princess.
Just pretty easy.
Didn't you kind of expect there to be, like, more challenges and stuff?
Yeah, me too.
It's a weird story.
It gets weirder.
But the princess also said...
Listen to me carefully.
You will pass a hard and evil year.
If you endure it, come back here and you will be my husband if you wish it.
But be careful for it will be an evil year indeed, and you may not survive.
So what does an evil year mean?
What do you think?
Yeah.
A bad year.
A bad year.
Like where bad things are going to happen.
Though the princess had warned the youngest brother of a hard and evil year ahead, he was so overjoyed at having gotten the water of life for his father that he made his way back to the blue dwarf with a happy heart.
But still, he had not found his brothers.
So when he came to the dwarf in the road, the youngest brother begged the dwarf.
Help me find my brothers.
I cannot bear to return home without them, the blue dwarf said.
Don't worry about your brothers, please.
They are no good.
But the youngest brother begged and pleaded with the dwarf.
And because the prince was kind and earnest, the dwarf finally relented and released the eldest brother from the ravine and the middle brother from the brambles.
When the three brothers were reunited, they rejoiced.
Then the youngest brother told the others of finding the water of life and the princesses promised to him.
His brothers cheered that the cure for their father's illness had been found and that their youngest brother's fortune was secure.
But in their hearts, they were afraid.
What if their father rewarded the youngest brother for finding the water of life by giving him the kingdom?
Then he'd have two kingdoms, theirs and the princesses.
And what would happen to them?
Late at night, on the journey home, the eldest brother and the middle brother concocted a plan.
As their brother slept, they stole the water of life from their youngest brother.
They poured the water of life into the eldest brother's flask and they replaced it with water from a filthy pond nearby.
In the morning the youngest brother suspected nothing and the three brothers proceeded home as friends.
When they reached the palace, the father embraced his boys tearfully.
And then he gratefully took the water of life the youngest brother offered him.
And the king drank it down.
Immediately their father began to choke and cough.
And then he vomited.
And then he fell to the floor.
The eldest brother turned to the youngest brother and cried.
What have you done?
Are you trying to kill him?
The middle brother demanded.
Okay.
Then the eldest brother and the middle brother gathered their father up in their arms and gave him the real water of life from the eldest brother's flask.
Here, said the eldest brother.
This is the real water of life.
Our youngest brother must have been trying to poison you.
Who did that?
Yeah, mean brothers, right?
Yeah, mean.
The youngest brother couldn't understand what had happened, but instantly their father recovered.
He huddled with the eldest brother and the middle brother.
The youngest brother would be banished from the palace and anyone who tried to give him food or comfort would be executed as a traitor.
Oh, come on!
How are we feeling right now?
Yes.
Those brothers are evil.
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That's I'm liking this story.
Oh, you like it?
Good.
The youngest brother pleaded with the king.
Father, please believe me.
I don't know what happened.
It was the water of life.
I am sure of it.
A blue dwarf told me where to find it, and a princess gave it to me.
But the eldest brother said, What a ridiculous lie.
And the middle brother added, Be gone before we kill you ourselves.
And so the youngest brother was forced to flee.
What?
The youngest brother lived in the wilderness foraging for nuts and berries.
And what food scraps careless woodsmen left behind?
No one would offer him so much as a crust of bread.
And if they saw him walking on their lands, they would holler and shout It's the father killer, the traitor.
Get him!
Get him!
And the youngest brother would have to run away.
How would you feel if you were the youngest brother right now?
I'd be sad, mad, and feel betrayed for my own brother's revenge.
Well, winter came, and survival became harder.
The youngest brother wandered the icy forest wondering what had happened to his bottle of the water of life and hoping not to starve to death.
He did occasionally wonder about his brother's role in his exile, but he couldn't believe that they would have betrayed him.
And besides, if he thought that one of his brothers had tried to poison their father, wouldn't he have reacted the way they did?
It must all just be a misunderstanding.
A tragic, tragic misunderstanding.
Finally, after wandering for an entire year, the youngest brother fell to the snowy ground, unable to go any farther.
Just then, he saw a tiny figure, coming through the forest toward him.
It was... Murph.
This is Murph.
He's a blue dwarf.
The blue dwarf came through the trees and sat down by the youngest brother.
He took out his wineskin and gave him some hot spiced wine and helped him to eat a slice of bread.
When he had recovered some strength, the youngest brother said, Thank you.
And the blue dwarf said, I told you not to trust your brother.
Did they?
Of course they did, you dodo head.
And the blue dwarf?
Your kindness is all well and good, but you don't have to be an idiot about this.
And the youngest brother said, Huh.
Luckily for you, the blue dwarf went on, the year is almost up and you can go back to the enchanted castle.
But listen, don't just go and forgive your brothers.
I know you're going to want to.
You've got a really kind heart.
But trust me, They're no good.
The youngest brother thanked the blue dwarf and began his journey on foot to the enchanted castle.
At the enchanted castle, the princess announced that her husband-to-be would soon be arriving.
She ordered a golden road laid on top of the iron one and she told her guards If a man should come riding alongside of the road, do not let him in.
My true groom will ride right down the center.
Meanwhile, the eldest brother and the middle brother now ruled over their kingdom, bossing their elderly father around and taking their inheritance before it was rightfully theirs.
However, they had not forgotten about the princess in the enchanted castle.
The eldest brother said, We gave our father the water of life.
One of us deserves the princess.
And the middle brother said, Sounds fair to me.
So on the appointed day, the eldest brother set out to the enchanted castle to steal the youngest brother's promised bride.
He arrived to discover a beautiful golden road leading all the way to the castle gate.
The eldest brother declared, I dare not ride on this.
My horse's hooves may crack it.
So he steered his steed to walk alongside the road.
But when he arrived at the castle gate, the guards refused to even open it or listen to his business.
They cried, and they threw boiling water at him.
Have you ever heard that, like, they throw boiling oil from castles?
So I'm a little bit of an expert on the Middle Ages, just a little bit.
They would not have thrown boiling oil because oil was expensive, but they would have thrown boiling water.
Snakes.
With snakes in it would be awesome.
I agree.
Let's change it to that.
With snake farts.
And snake farts.
Be gone, they cried, and threw boiling water with snakes and snake farts at him.
So the eldest brother hurried back home.
There he told the middle brother all about the guards and the boiling water and the snake farts.
The middle brother said, Maybe I'll have better luck.
And he set off toward the castle.
But when he arrived, he saw the golden road and said, I wouldn't want to crack it.
So he rode alongside.
And when he arrived, the gate was barred.
And boiling water with poisonous snakes and snake farts was thrown on him too.
So the middle brother hurried back home as well.
Soon thereafter, the youngest brother came to the edge of the golden road.
The youngest brother was so weak from his year of exile and so grateful to find the enchanted castle, and so eager to get to the princess who had been so kind to him, that he sprinted for the enchanted castle in his tattered shoes and filthy clothes, not even noticing what kind of road he was running on.
The gates were thrown open, and the princess was waiting for him, beaming with joy.
A month later, their wedding was to be celebrated.
An invitation arrived for the two elder brothers and their father.
Enclosed was a note from the youngest brother explaining that he was innocent but that he forgave his father and brothers for suspecting him.
It further explained that he was to be married to the princess of the enchanted castle and would they come and make up with him on the day of the wedding.
Well, the brothers and their father got the note and agreed.
The brothers arrived with wickedness in their hearts and long knives tucked into their tall ridings.
The father knew nothing of this.
He was just glad to be reunited with his youngest son, whatever the truth may have been.
That evening after the wedding, the princess and the youngest brother, and one more wedding guest too, took the boy's father aside and they spoke to him privately.
Late that night, after everyone was in bed, the eldest brother and the middle brother crept out of their rooms and made their way down the dark hall to the youngest brother's room.
They snuck inside quietly, making not a sound, and they came to the side of their youngest brother's bed and they stabbed him with their long knives.
They stabbed him again, and again, and again.
And then a candle was lit and it was revealed that what they had stabbed was the roast pig that had been served for dinner that night.
And surrounding the brothers were their father and the youngest brother and the princess and that one other wedding guest, who was anybody.
The dwarf.
The smurf.
It's not a smurf!
It's a smurf.
A blue dwarf smurfy head.
The blue dwarf.
Knowing they were caught, the brothers turned their long knives on all the witnesses their father brother, princess and the blue dwarf.
They swung their blades, aiming to kill.
But the blue dwarf said, Not so fast.
And with a snap of his fingers, the blue dwarf turned the brothers into pigs.
And he said, You know what my favorite food is?
Bacon!
Which the youngest brother thought was super gross.
The king begged the youngest brother's forgiveness.
The youngest brother forgave his father right away.
Then the king gave him his crown, and the princess and the youngest brother ruled their two kingdoms together.
They often went to the forest to visit the blue dwarf.
He always offered to cook them bacon, but they never, ever accepted.
And they all lived happily ever after.
The end.
Bacon!
Bacon!
Bacon for everyone!
Bacon!
Brother bacon!
Can we have bacon?
Should we have it made of evil older brothers?
Yeah, sure.
Okay, so this story begins with a hypothetical question.
If all the books in the library were chocolate, would you rather eat them or keep them so you can read them?
And that is a great question, which I have no idea where it came from.
And like what could we possibly have been talking about in that classroom that provoked that excellent mind experiment?
I don't know, but I would love you to pause right now and just turn to whoever's sitting near you and ask them the question.
If all the books in the library were chocolate, would you rather eat them or keep them so you could read them later?
It's a good question.
I mean, come on.
That's philosophy right there.
Okay, I love the music at the beginning of this episode.
It's a little bit medieval.
It's very atmospheric, and it just feels exactly right for this kind of story.
And you know what?
I had no idea that this was the episode.
I mean, I was listening to it.
I was like, I haven't listened to Water of Life in, honestly, years.
Let's see what's in it.
And then the blue dwarf shows up.
And I thought, no.
No, it can't be this one.
This isn't the.
And then some kid goes, isn't that a smurf?
And so really the rest of my life was ruined.
Do you know that I can't do a live event without some kid bringing me a drawing of a Smurf or a Smurf toy?
Kids will see me on the street and say, it's a Smurf.
Maybe I've told you this in another Secrets episode.
I can never remember what I've said before, but I was really worried when this first happened that we were violating some sort of copyright like Am I allowed to say the word Smurf?
Like, is the Smurf company going to come and sue me?
Who is the Smurf company, by the way?
Are they going to show up at my door with a subpoena and say you have to come to court because you keep saying the word Smurf on your podcast?
I was terrified about that.
So I was trying to get these kids to stop saying it was a Smurf which, of course, as you all know, is the worst possible thing you can do.
Because as soon as you tell kids, don't say that, That is all they want to say.
And of course, none of this was planned.
I didn't want any of this Smurf stuff to happen.
This is just, you know, you kids being you kids.
It's your fault.
It's all your fault.
Okay, moving on quickly from Smurfs.
Uh, this story is really kind of a classic.
It fits the tropes of fairy tales really perfectly.
I mean almost like it would be a cliche.
There's a king, three brothers.
The eldest brothers are mean to the youngest one and he's really kind.
They set out into the world to win the kingdom.
They meet a stranger.
The elder brothers are rude and then the youngest is kind.
I mean It would be like a really cliche and kind of boring fairy tale, except that it's not.
And it's not because a perfect fairy tale is a perfect fairy tale, even if you've heard it a million times.
And then, of course, there's the kids who make it even better.
And then Alana Milner, our producer on this episode, who put all the music together and directed the actors and Sound effects, and and yeah, what could have been like very basic, boring episode becomes something, I think, really special, which is proof that, you know, I sometimes hear kids say like I don't know what story to write.
I feel like everything I write is just like what somebody else has already written.
You know it's like this book I've read and I can't publish book or work on a book and show people a book.
That is just like this other story.
And I'm like, yes, you can.
We do that all the time in these fairy tales in particular.
It's not that you have to have details that no one's ever had before or story elements that have never been imagined.
That's virtually impossible.
What you have to do is you have to tell a story in your voice that sounds like it was seen through your eyes the way that you see the world.
And that makes it unique, even if it's got the most basic elements ever.
Okay.
So when the brothers really start doing bad stuff, when they switch out the water of life on their younger brother, for example, I kind of love that.
Actually, what motivated them was fear.
It's not just.
They were some evil guys and they did evil stuff because they're evil, but they were afraid.
That they would lose the kingdom.
They were afraid that they would get in trouble.
I think that's actually really realistic.
Like in real life.
Actually, I don't believe that there are people who are just straight up evil for evil's sake.
Or very, very, very few.
Most of the bad guys in history were honestly, probably motivated by fear or by a desire to be loved, and mostly a fear that they weren't loved, or a desire to be powerful and a fear that somebody else would be powerful above them, have power over them.
Um, and so just that little word that they were afraid to me makes these boys, these two elder brothers, feel kind of really realistic.
Keeping on this, uh, Theme of bad guys.
I think it's really interesting when the blue dwarf says your kindness is all well and good, but you don't have to be an idiot about it.
I love the voice of the blue dwarf in this episode, by the way, that actor nailed it.
But speaking of the content of that, your kindness is all well and good, but you don't have to be an idiot about it.
I think sometimes it's easy for me to try to be so kind that I give people the benefit of the doubt when they don't really deserve it.
You know this happened to me a fair amount as a kid, not because I was kind, but because I wanted the cool kids to like me.
They would, you know, tease me and I would forgive them and be like you know.
I'm sure they didn't really mean it or we were just having a good time.
But actually, they were what I like to say with my daughter is I would call them unreliable friends.
And sometimes yes, you should give people the benefit of the doubt the first time and say oh, it was probably a bad situation.
They were probably in a bad mood or something.
But if they keep showing you who they are, if they're mean, if they're excluding you, if they're lying behind your back Again and again, you know it's all well and good to be kind, but don't be an idiot about it.
So we have a rule in my house, and if I've already told you all this, I'm sorry.
I can't half the time remember if I'm talking to my daughter or talking to you guys, because I talk to you just like you're a kid, that I know.
So our rule in our house is try to identify the unreliable friends.
And if you still want to be friends with them, you can be, but you should know they are going to be unreliable.
And if you get your feelings hurt again and again, you just have to say to yourself this is an unreliable friend and I don't need to be an idiot about it.
And this is true not just of bad guys in your life or bad people in your life, but also of bad guys in the world.
Sometimes people really do show you who they are.
And sometimes the kindest thing that you can do for yourself and other people is to be clear-headed, clear-eyed and strong and stand up to people who are doing bad things.
Okay, most important point of all.
I hope you were listening closely and could hear the sound effect in the boiling water being thrown down on the eldest brother, Not just of boiling water but also of hissing snakes and snake farts.
You gotta listen carefully, but all those sound effects are in there.
And I am very proud, very proud, that we figured out how to combine the sound of boiling water, snakes and snake farts.
I mean, that is award-winning sound design.
Am I right?
Okay, but now I gotta be honest.
And honestly, I think we've got another piece of sound design that really didn't work when the the brothers try to stab the youngest brother, but it's actually just uh, you know, a cooked pig in the bed.
It's kind of a chunk sound.
I don't think that's right.
I think it would be much grosser and bloodier sounding like, uh, or, or, or I never mind.
I'm sorry.
That was disgusting.
Um, Anyway, maybe it's better as it was.
Sorry.
Okay, well, thank you for listening to this edition of Adam's Secret Episodes.
This one was about the water of life.
And yeah, yeah, it's not a smurf.
Grim Grimmer Grimmest is a Pinna Original Production.
Created and written by me, Adam Gidwitz.
Author of A Tale Dark and Grim.
Produced and edited by Ilana Milner.
Casting and voice direction by Paula Gammon-Wilson.
Sound design and mixing by Beat Street NYC.
Location recording by Jason Gambrell and Evan Viola.
Narrated by me, Adam Gidwitz.
Characters voiced by Francesca Calo, Kylie Claxton, Kaylin Clinton, Nicholas Korda, Michael Crouch, Dylan Jones, George Lambert, Eddie Lee, Ilana Milner, Nofi Mitchell, Allison Rosenfeld, Erica Schroeder and Billy Bob Thompson.
Special thanks to the staff and students at Brooklyn Friends School and Manhattan Country School.
You guys are amazing.
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