Hi, welcome back to E Your Cress Podcast.
I'm Crystal and I'm G-Soo.
Today we have a slang word to talk about and I like this one a lot because I think it just makes comments that much funnier for no reason at all really.
But the word is unserious.
It's relatively easy to use, very easy to understand and definitely has a lot of humor behind it.
So usually you just use it to describe someone who's doing something silly and you call them like very unserious.
Maybe it's because this is not how we normally describe people the opposite of serious.
Like we have words for that like silly goofy or whatever.
But it's like we're pointing out that it's the opposite of serious here and it makes the comments like that much funnier.
That's true because sometimes people are unserious but they're not necessarily goofy.
That's true. Like goofy puts too much intentionality behind like oh I'm gonna be a silly goofy person but when someone is unserious it just captures a lot without being too pointed over term.
And I also think it's so funny because I'm on the Know Your Memepage of Unserious right now.
And this is a vintage word.
It says the earliest documented use of the adjective unserious is the writing of the first Earl of Oury from 1655.
This word is older than us.
Yeah it's literally older than America.
Okay I'm not gonna lie I didn't even realize it was a real word at first.
I thought it was just like we added a random prefix to serious.
That's a fair guess. Although I also think that it's not necessarily always silly and like a funny ha ha way.
I feel like it could also be used in a semi-ironic way.
So some of the examples I see on the page are like criticism of the US government.
It's like the United States is such an unserious country.
Yes because of these laws that they pass and I'm like yeah that's a fair word for it too.
Yeah you're right it's not always just in a funny context.
Long similar lines I think it's sometimes used to call out behaviors too.
One funny example I can think of a celebrity or someone with some like media attention does something that's I don't know maybe not the smartest thing or it's like unbelievable that they did this.
Sometimes the comments are like that's so unserious of them to do that.
True. That reminds me of when Doja Cat tossed her vape.
Oh my gosh. She was walking onto the stage of the Grammys or something and the everyone was like oh my god Doja is so unserious.
Yeah. So I think based on what we're talking about this word is so applicable to a lot of different situations and it's like a pretty flexible word.
So for me I think unserious is maybe like a top five slang word of this year.
Oh dude I feel like it's so good that it like kind of went under my radar as in like it was so normal to see it and like use it.
Yeah. So when you brought it up you're like oh maybe we do unserious as a word.
I was like oh my god you're right that is technically kind of slang.
True. So I would agree it's definitely like a top slang word.
It instantly became a classic.
Oh my god. How do you know it's good.
Well enough unserious business.
Our topic today is one that I find pretty interesting.
So we actually found this New York Times article called the vexing problem of the medium friend and we read it and thought it was very interesting some of the concepts that the article covered and so we thought it would be fun to discuss especially this idea of the medium friend because I think that's the newest concept within this article.
So to start off I guess we should define what the article says is a medium friend.
So I'm gonna read snippets of the blurb in the article that defines a medium friend where it says that medium friends are genuine friends.
So you might have certain shared experiences, history, circumstances, hobbies, etc.
You feel a lot of joy when you're hanging around with them through the conversations that you have, the jokes you might share, etc.
But what separates medium friends from your closest friends is that there seems to be more of a limit in terms of the time that you feel comfortable with or even want to spend with them.
And similarly you have a specific amount of love and energy that's allotted for these friends.
Whereas with close friends it might seem a little bit more natural and overflowing.
So really you can see a medium friend as someone who you're totally down to grab dinner with and text back and forth with but maybe not every single day.
And I think another big point that the article said was that medium friends, it requires more effort for you to be like, okay, I have to like schedule this now with them, you know, whether it's a dinner or a ketchup.
And it feels like much more effort than say a close friend where you're like, oh yeah, like I'll fit you in no matter what.
Or your time available has already been like reserved kind of like, oh if people were to ask to hang out during this time, I already know that I would say yes if they were like these people.
So I thought it was pretty interesting to think about like the level of mental effort it takes.
And that can be like a sign of a medium friend.
Yeah, it's super interesting because I think this is something that we all experience to a certain extent.
But it's so jarring reading about it, kind of spelled out for me in an article.
Because no one wants to say like, oh I have different tears of friends, right?
Like it feels so fucked up to even think that.
But I think the reality is energy or time like these are limited resources that just get smaller and smaller as you grow older and have more responsibility.
So then I think it is totally fair to kind of sit down and look at it.
And one thing that the article points out really well is that with medium friends, there's like these invisible lines, right?
Like these invisible guidelines where you're like, oh, I want to see them less than X number of times a month or like maybe not so much explicitly.
But there seems to be some sort of gray area like invisible limit.
Yeah. And the article says that these things might be invisible to your friend.
So they might not know how close you see them.
But it also might be invisible to you.
So like you yourself might not even be able to sit down and define these feelings.
But you just kind of get that like gut feeling that might be a little bit harder to define.
This one part of the article also really stuck out to me.
Kind of like you were saying like it's hard to define these things.
They're saying like we don't really define our friends.
But we have a million words to describe like a situation shift or a relationship.
You know, all the romantic connections.
We have so many words to describe them.
But friends, it's just like, oh, they're my friend.
And you don't know like what level that is.
Yeah. It kind of reminds me of you know, sometimes you go to a more formal event or something a wedding, for example, right?
And you're meeting all these people who have a mutual friend with you.
But you kind of do that quintessential question of, oh, how do you know this person?
Sometimes it's like very easy to be like, oh, like we are close friends or like we met through this or whatever.
And then other times, if it's been like a long time since you've seen that person or whatever, it might feel a little bit more unnatural to like define your relationship with that person.
Yeah. And I feel like that totally points to like, yeah, there's just less vocab.
How do you define, for example, someone who you every time you hang out with, you have such a great time, but you see them like once every two years?
Like what do you, is that person a close friend?
You know, like God, I don't even know.
There, there's a situation.
I think also I feel like friend is such a generic term in that there's so many times where we're sharing stories with each other.
And we're like, oh, yeah, I have a friend who like does this blah blah.
But then there's definitely moments where I start off like, oh, yeah, I have a friend.
They do this. They did that.
And then I'm like, wait, actually, they're not really my friend.
They're just kind of like an acquaintance, I guess.
I don't know why I just defaulted to calling them a friend.
It's like the catch all keyword.
Yeah. Exactly. Well, I am kind of interested to know like, what sort of niche situations or relationships you would categorize as a medium friend.
So the example that I mentioned earlier, where every time you see this friend, it's like the most fun you've ever had, but you truly do see them like once every two years.
Would you consider this person a close friend, a medium friend, or an acquaintance?
Dude, I was really thinking about this when I was reading the article too, because I think I have some friends who I would consider close friends, but I don't see them that much because of like, you know, physical distance.
And then also, maybe we don't text that much just because like we're busy with our own lives.
And usually we're busiest with the people who are physically closest to us.
And or maybe we're just not big on texting in general.
There's nothing wrong with that.
Whenever we see each other, it's all totally good.
And it doesn't necessarily feel like there's that extra effort that you're going through.
Like, oh my god, I have to like make time for these people or that kind of stuff.
So I think under certain circumstances, these are still close friends.
Like actually, I totally agree.
I feel like if in the moments you're together, you pick back up like no time has passed.
I would say you qualify as a close friend, although I feel like I've had moments where I was like humbled in the past where I'm like, oh, I see this person not too often, but every time we hang out, we're like so close or whatever.
So I always consider them a close friend.
And then you find out like big life announcements through Instagram or something.
And I'm like, oh, maybe I'm not as close as I thought we were.
Like, I don't know. Like I think also defining this stuff like closeness to me is also a little bit relative.
I think there is maybe like a threshold too in terms of these people that you don't see that often.
Maybe like after a certain number of years pass and you haven't seen each other, then it's like a quiet devotion almost tab.
Just because of like the nature of things.
Like you haven't seen them.
So you know, you haven't had a chance to catch up and learn about their big life milestones because of that distance between you just grows ever so slightly every time.
And then eventually it causes what could potentially be seen as like a demotion of friendship.
But I feel like after that, if you like hang out again and then you're able to, you know, bring things back up to speed and then maybe like have a more regular cadence again, then maybe you can find yourself back into the original position.
That's true. I feel like a lot of what I've been trying to unlearn in my mid 20s is to me like friendship when I was younger was very much like my space topic.
You have top friends who are your close friends and then people who don't fit into that ranking, argue, or medium friends and then etc.
etc. And then I feel like in my adulthood, I realized that it doesn't always have to be like a pyramid or like a hierarchy.
You know, like you could have your pickleball friends and you can have friends you play four games with, you know, different kind of friends for different situations and you don't have to rank it.
And I feel like I spent a lot of effort into thinking that way.
But then after reading this article, I was like, damn, this article is kind of right.
There is still sort of an hierarchy, you know, mentally.
Yeah. I think it's inevitable.
And I think as we mentioned, physical distance is a big factor because it's hard to keep up with a long distance friend, let alone like a long distance partner.
A lot of people are always like, oh, long distance doesn't work out.
And there's like a reason or whatever.
And so I think the same can be applicable to friendships in that it's inevitable that distance over a long period of time will cause some metaphorical distance as well.
And I think distance is a good word for it too because sometimes it is like physical distance.
But other times you might just be feeling a little bit more emotionally distant from someone, whether you're in different life stages or you're just so busy caught up in your own shit.
They are too. And then sometimes time just passes in between.
So I think what you said about friendship, quote unquote, demotions just do happen naturally sometimes.
And I think that's a really interesting concept too.
Something that I never even thought about.
But then when we put it into words, you know, the emotion and promotion of friends, it's actually so true because like you said, if you're entering a new life stage, let's say like one of the most basic different life stages that people can experience is going from being single to being in a relationship or the vice versa, like going from interrelationship to being single.
And I do think that causes a lot of friend shifts because you know, if you're now in a relationship, maybe you hang out with more people who are also in relationships just because that world is now more open to you versus before, maybe you like didn't want to be the only single one in a group of couples and stuff like that.
Or if you're going from your relationship stage into a single stage, maybe the whole world opens up more to you now.
And you're like, oh my god, there are some friends I did neglect.
And now I have space and time for them.
And so then there's definitely some shift there as well.
Yeah, I guess it just kind of goes with like the natural pace and flow of life almost.
It's like friendships are definitely a big aspect of life.
But it also in some ways has to remain complimentary to other aspects of life.
I feel like it's not just a solid brick wall that is not changing when every other aspect is.
So maybe it's not this whole dramatic emotional finger pointing thing when friendships change.
Oftentimes it's just we're taking a short break and we'll be back later when our lives are more much together or when we're living closer together and things like that.
But I feel like in the moment, it still feels very weird, right?
Like it still feels uncomfortable.
Yeah, and I feel like there's this whole thing about friends who aren't your close friends.
So medium friends, acquaintances, any of those where and I'm guilty of this too, like maybe you hold some guilt almost for being like, oh my god, should I reach out to them?
Like we haven't hung in a long time.
Maybe it's my fault. I really should reach out and ask if they want to hang out.
And I think that's like totally fair.
But also I try to remind myself when I think about things in that way that, hey, it's okay.
Like you don't have to feel guilty about it because if you think about it on the flip side, that person also didn't reach out to you.
So you shouldn't carry the full burden of this like guilt or feeling bad feeling.
You know, there's definitely something mutual going on there.
Like maybe you are once really close, but now you've both quietly been demoted in each other's circles.
That's true. And I think I'm definitely guilty of that too.
And what I try to remember as well is like when friendships are led forward by guilt, I feel like it just does not provide like a strong foundation for that friendship to continue.
If the only reason why you're hitting someone up is because you feel guilty that it's been a long time, you're going to show up to that hang out like feeling guilty.
Yeah. And then that just like starts the hang out with weird vibes.
But I feel like you instead of focusing on the guilt, maybe want to focus on like, oh, I miss this person because of these positive traits or I know we always have fun when we do x, y and z or we always talk about this and connect.
So maybe just indulging in that guilt in the first place can also just be detrimental.
Yeah, I never thought about that, but that's a really good point.
Like you shouldn't rely on guilt to drive your friendship.
Actually, this also does remind me of something that the article does a good job of pointing out, which is I think a lot of the times guilt comes from that ambiguity.
Oh, I see my friend as either a close friend or a medium friend, but does my friends see me the same way?
Are we matching and on the same wavelength?
Or are we kind of like playing in different fields here?
And I think not being on the same page can either cause a lot of guilt or maybe just discomfort in general.
What if I'm the one who cares more about our friendship or vice versa, like, am I not putting enough into this friendship?
Yeah, I guess there's just like way more possibility of not being on the same page just because on average, you'll have more friends than like, say, for example, romantic partners.
We don't explicitly define friendship because as we said, we don't even necessarily have the vocabulary.
We've done episodes about like DTR, right?
Like defining the relationship for a romantic relationship.
But if you think about it, we don't just DTR for friendship.
And I think there's like that fear of maybe it's like offensive if I told someone like, oh, you're not my best friend, but you're like still a good friend.
Whoa, that's such a good point.
And I guess there's just a lot more reassurance, right?
When you have a romantic partner assuming that they're not like cheating on you or something, right?
Right. You're their number one and vice versa.
It's like you are my only partner.
But with friends, you aren't probably never someone's like only friend, which means you also don't know how high you rank or how low you rank.
You're right. Like that culture of DTR is just not baked into friendship.
So honestly, like, ambiguity is probably just completely normal.
But I think there's just times where you can sense that mismatch.
Yeah. And I feel like I've been on both sides.
I don't know what the solution would be because I also think sitting down and like DTR and your friendship and being like, hey, you're by like fourth favorite friends, also just like that would not be productive.
Like you would help no one.
Yeah. Yeah. In that situation, the best thing that you can do is try to recognize it for yourself.
Like, oh, maybe I'm putting in more effort than is needed for this friendship.
So maybe I should see if I can put these efforts towards something or someone else.
I mean, of course, like that's all easier said than done.
But I do think that's at least like an actionable thing that can happen because also at the same time, you don't want to let yourself get taken advantage by, you know, other people just because you are giving up so much like time and effort when other people are clearly not on the same page.
I agree. And I think maybe the other thing that could help too is focus on what you yourself are getting out of the friendship instead of worrying if you guys are like exactly meeting at the same point.
Because if you're still getting a lot of joy out of this friendship, maybe it doesn't matter so much that you guys are like exactly the same level or like exactly the same amount of expectations.
Like as long as you're still deriving joy and like fulfillment from this friendship, maybe that's all that matters at the end.
That's true. Like as long as everyone is still happy feeling fulfilled, the friendship is still thriving.
Things are good. Don't fix what's not broken.
True. But I do think there is sort of DTR in friendships.
And it's all very specific situations.
So one, I think if you have reached best friend level with someone, it is very easy to DTR then.
Especially I think when you're younger in like school or someone who you see consistently every single day.
I mean funny story. I feel like when we were living together in college, there was this one night where we had like some friends over and then I think me and Jessica were in the kitchen at one point and we were like, oh my god, I think we're best friends.
Which I think is like probably one of the only moments of like DTRing for friendships.
And then another moment I would say also very specific is like bridal parties.
I think these are kind of like, hey, I just want to let you know like you're really important friend to me.
So like it's not a straight up like DTR but it's kind of like a signal.
Hey, like you're a really good friend.
I hope you accept and know that.
Please feel like a part of my bridal party.
Yeah, that's a really good point.
And I think also maybe the term like best friend is also a little bit less weighted now than when we were younger.
So I feel like in middle school, best friendship was like the thing.
You know, it was like so important.
Like I would know who everyone's best friend was at school.
Like it was that big of a deal.
But now I feel like so many friends are like so special to each of us in different ways.
So then maybe best friendship carries a little bit less gravity slash like exclusive video most.
But something that I think is a little bit funny is I feel like I could still kind of tell who people's like best friends are.
Yeah, I guess now it's like more complicated because I feel like sometimes there's like a lot of history.
So people are like best friends because of that.
But maybe not like best best friends.
Yeah. And then sometimes it's like, oh, they connected recently because of something they both like really feel strongly about or like a shared experience.
And then that has caused their friendship to like elevate all the way to like best friendship.
You're definitely right where the weight of this best friend label has kind of changed.
But you're right. It is definitely easy sometimes to see like, oh, you know, these two are like definitely best buddies.
Yeah. I feel like when you watch two people talk and engage with each other, I feel like you can kind of tell instantly.
Maybe it's like the contrast to like watching someone talk to one of their best friends and then like watching them talk to someone who's not their best friend, you're like, oh, I can kind of visually see that.
Yeah. But besides being like best friends and stuff, have you ever had a moment where you knew in your heart, you're like, you know what, I'm actually not this person's best friend.
I'm like definitely a medium friend or something along those lines.
Yeah, I've definitely been there.
And I think I'm lucky to wear most of my experiences like this.
They weren't like super emotional or painful for me because it was probably mutual in some sense.
Okay, Loki like copium, but probably somewhat mutual.
But recently, someone who I see fairly often got engaged.
I like saw it on Instagram and actually my friend told me that he was going to propose because we're like in the same friend group or whatever.
But I was just like, dude, what the fuck?
Like if my friend didn't tell me, I would have found on Instagram.
And I think I actually like would have been a little bit sad.
Oh, yeah. I feel like sometimes it's tough to find out news through social media when you're like, wait, I'm pretty sure we're like good friends.
I was like, wait, what the fuck?
I think the best situation though is like if you can clearly tell that one of your friends has one or two other best friends and you're like, oh, yeah, I'm clearly just a good friend to them.
And then same for them to me.
That's true. Sometimes I also think too.
Is it okay? Sorry, this is getting into like petty territory, but this is just what my brain does.
You know, like I was reading this article and I was like, oh, is it better to be like the top medium friend than to be like the lowest ringed best friend?
I see. So you're next in line for the best friend circle.
Yeah, you're like up for promotion.
Oh my god. The moment someone disappears, you're like, oh my god, this has been the moment I've been waiting for.
You're like the one making people disappear.
Oh my god, like screaming behind the scenes.
Oh no. But in all seriousness, like I do feel there are a lot of pros to being a medium friend actually because I love my medium friends.
Like I think it's so nice to just like catch up once in a while and like you have the most fun.
And then it's like a no strings attached and then kind of like you know, you'll see them soon.
But it's not some like pressing.
I don't want to say obligation, but sometimes you know, you do feel like that sense of responsibility to hang out more with best friends.
So I feel like medium friends can offer a lot of that casual, fun, less stressful kind of by.
I don't know. Stress is not the right word, but you know what I mean?
It's just like less obligations.
For sure, especially if it's like you know you're always going to have a good time with them.
And then there's less, you're right, like obligation of always having to keep up with them.
Because I think it is also true that you probably only have enough time and space to truly support and help your closest friends.
If you're out here providing as much mental support or like hype man activities to like every single one of your friends, it would probably be really exhausting.
And you might not even end up with enough time for yourself at the end.
So it's like knowing that you have medium friends who have their own strong support group of best friends.
It's like, okay, nice. I get to have them just for the like good times.
And then you know, maybe some like tough times sprinkled in there where you can provide your help when you both have time and space for it.
But then also you like get to reap the benefits a little more maybe.
That's true. Also like if your medium friend is someone who you have a shared hobby with and maybe the primary driver of your friendship, then sometimes you can like turn your brain off and go to these hang out.
Try it. Like well, let's just meet up and like do this activity together or whatever.
And it doesn't have to be like, okay, let me sit down and update you on everything that has been happening in my life for the next two hours.
That's so true. It doesn't have to be as weighted maybe.
So then I think it could still be a lot of fun.
I think it's also like kind of an honor almost if you're a medium friend.
And then the person shares with you like maybe hardships or like certain updates that are going on in their life.
And you're kind of like, oh my god, I'm so honored that they shared this with me.
Like they must really think I'm trustworthy.
And I'm glad that I'm doing a good job, even if I'm just a medium friend.
Dude, that's a good point too because I mean, we've been talking this episode about I guess the gap between like a medium friend and a best friend or maybe just like the differences.
But at the end of the day, I feel like it is a really big honor to be someone's medium friend.
It's still mild and leaks above acquaintance level.
Like this is still someone you care about a lot and you prioritize whenever you have like maybe some extra bandwidth in your life.
And it's not something that is just like easily done or like easily achieved.
So I feel like, you know, justice for medium friends.
Yeah. This is still very special friendships.
It really is. And you're right, the higher you are on the medium friend spectrum.
You know, the closer you get to that best friend circle, the more connection you get with this person and realistically, medium friends are the ones who could at any moment become a best friend.
Yeah. Yeah. And I think things could happen.
Like maybe someone who used to be your medium friend has a kid and then like, it's on the same timeline as you and suddenly now you're best friends because of the shared experience.
Yeah, definitely. I feel like it's almost not a hard border between best friends and medium friends, but maybe just like a ombre.
Actually, another thing I was thinking about though in regards to medium friends is that group friends are sometimes medium friends.
True. Maybe this group in its entity is like your best friend.
But like the individual might be more like medium friends.
But then there like at any moment, these medium friends could be best friends.
Yeah. I think that's definitely a fair point.
So that just kind of speaks to to like, it's not always like a hard and fast rule.
Right. Like there's all these blurred lines, opportunities, risks, strengths, just kidding.
But yeah, I think it's kind of comforting in a sense to know that it's not so like, oh, you're a best friend and you're a medium friend.
Like it's not the my space top eight culture like we talked about.
Yeah, definitely. Oh, I thought there was this one interesting part of the article though.
Kind of similar to what we were talking about, like showing support for a medium friend.
In the article, the other kind of described situations where like they're not really sure actually if they should show kindness or like reach out and provide support for certain medium friends.
So what are your thoughts on that?
So I think this is an interesting one because I've definitely been there before where say a friend is going through a hard time and there's definitely closest there.
But I'm unsure if me reaching out would be like supportive for them or it might feel like overbearing or too much.
And that's like always the worry, right?
Especially when someone does go through tough times.
It's like, how do I know if this message will tip them over the edge or like be a huge boost of help for them.
And I think at the end of the day, it's going to be case by case.
But it does kind of allude to the weirdness or like that weird gray area that medium friendship can place you at.
Because if it's a close friend, I would not hesitate to be like, oh, you know, I just wanted to check in and see how you're doing about X, Y and Z.
But with medium friends, you never know, right?
Yeah. Yeah. Because sometimes you like don't even know they're going through something until someone else tells you.
Yeah. And then it's like, oh, am I in the right place to be like, hey, I heard this happen to like blah, blah.
But then they might be like, how'd you hear this?
Like I was trying to keep it private.
And then that's like a whole thing.
So I feel like it's definitely, you're right.
Like it's definitely very difficult to navigate.
But I do think if they were the ones to share with you that they're going through a tough time, definitely in the moment that they shared it with you, try to be there for them.
But then beyond that, I guess it's kind of like feel it out and see what feels right.
Yeah. And you also don't want to like put yourself in a difficult situation where maybe you actually don't even feel like you have the time or space.
So like, okay, maybe not today.
Maybe like when I have more of that energy and availability.
Yeah. I think that's a good point.
And at the end of the day, even if I look back on my personal experiences, when maybe I was going through something hard, explicit support and sympathy was always helpful.
But I feel like there were tons of different ways that friends were able to be supportive without it maybe being like a really personal like sympathetic text.
You know, like I feel like friends were fully supportive.
Even if they didn't know I was going through something and they were just being there like crazy goofy, unserious self.
You know, like sometimes just having fun with someone when you're going through a tough time and itself can be a huge help.
So at the end of the day, maybe that's almost the privilege or like opportunity as a media friend.
Like you can support your friend without doing like the two hour deep talk with them.
Like without even realizing sometimes.
Yeah. Just by being yourself.
Yeah, that's a good point.
And you know, sometimes we don't know the role of friendship that we play for other people.
As we said, we're not really DTRing our friendships all day and every day.
So maybe trusting in yourself and in your strengths and weaknesses in your friendship that you can be utilized in a way, maybe without even your knowing, but like in a positive way for your friend.
Whether that be in a supportive way or just like a really, you know, having a good time, having a fun time way or even just like mutual shared interests way.
Yeah, and it's been really interesting discussing this article with you because I think when I first read it, I was like, damn, this article is kind of savage.
But the more we talk about it and the more we kind of analyze it, I feel like my takeaway is that I just have to learn to be okay with medium friendship.
Because like we discussed earlier, it's not always the dramatic sort of emotions.
Like sometimes it's just the best fit for two people in their lives.
Just as for medium friendships and shout out to all the varying levels of friendship out there, we really could not live life without our friends.
True. So for any of our listeners, if you've read this article or if you feel inspired to read the article, then definitely feel free to let us know your thoughts on it.
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Thanks for listening and don't forget to eat your crust.
