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Okay, let's get started.
Stop, stop.
No, seriously though.
No, no, no, not now.
It's over.
Guys, Micah is here.
Micah, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
Micah, how are you?
Good.
Did I interrupt a fight?
There was no fighting.
No fighting.
We're stupid.
We are adults Micah, and to think that we would be slapping at each other's shoulders like children trying to get the last hit in before you arrived.
It's chimerical.
It's foolish and beyond crazy.
We'd never do that.
It's absurd.
It's footage.
Micah.
Micah, old friend.
Where are you coming to us from?
Where are you in the world?
I'm in Kansas City, Missouri, to build a map.
Very nice.
I love Kansas City.
Had some fantastic barbecue in Kansas City.
Wonderful.
Oh, yeah.
It's kind of like talking like politics or religion out here.
Yeah, there's a beautiful.
I stayed in a beautiful old hotel like from the 20s, that had been restored.
Oh, really?
In downtown Kansas City, and I can't remember the name of it.
Oh, I've been all over.
I was a traveling salesman at the time.
Micah, tell me, you seem like a nice fellow.
Is that a cork, giant cork board behind you?
What's behind you?
I think so.
I'm using one of the meeting rooms at my job.
They probably need this room for a meeting, but I'm just camping out in it.
I think it is cork, though.
Yeah, that's so funny.
Yeah, it looks like you're almost going to be pinned up to it.
Micah.
What?
Don't listen to me, Micah.
I'm having a hard day.
I'm not making a lot of sense today, Micah.
Micah, what do you do at this company?
What is this company?
So I'm a designer.
I work for an advertising firm.
Okay.
You know, my wife worked in advertising when I met her.
Oh, no kidding.
Yeah, that's the world she came from.
Oh, cool.
And so you work at an advertising firm.
And what's your, do you have a specialty in advertising?
Yeah.
So I work on a big fast food client and I've been working with them for about 12 years.
And I do all the me and my team, we do all the design work and we shoot all the food photography just about every month which, as you can imagine, it's pretty.
I have a couple of questions.
I'm guessing you can't tell us the name of the fast food place.
I cannot tell you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And you can't even probably give us hints like they make a good taco or are you loving it?
Yeah.
They're the king of fast food burgers.
You know, that's all kind of thing, you know, whatever.
It's not important.
It's I mean, it is important.
I will find out and I will disclose it to my fans.
Yes, you will.
So you are the person who does photography for fast food.
Is that right?
You're like you're in charge of the whole thing.
So once a month we fly out to our photo partner in St.
Louis and it's a several day shoot and it gets.
It gets intense with the food stylist and getting to work with them and direct things you know.
We'll fuss over strips of lettuce on the burger for a good hour, just making sure it's perfect, it's perfect, it's perfect.
Well, you know, I've noticed, when you look at photographs of food, especially fast food, everything looks it's like the most perfect burger you've ever seen.
Or the display of fries, the way the different fries, individual French fries, splay out perfect.
I mean, it's all done with such attention to detail.
Wow.
What's it like to be setting that up?
I mean, it's got to be a lot of pressure.
It is.
I mean, it's fun for me because I'm not the food stylist, right?
So I get to just, well, I see something here and I get to move this around.
You're the dick.
You know.
What?
Well, like, you know, he's the guy who's like, that piece of, you know, lettuce isn't right.
And then he's like, move it.
Too many onions.
That poppy seed is shaped a little like Lyndon Johnson.
Yeah.
You would not believe how many times we and some of our clients see different faces or different things.
And why is there a worm in that bacon?
Oh, worm in the bacon.
But if you stare at anything long enough, you're going to see your worst nightmare when you're there.
Is the food edible or has the food become just a, is it cold and you've covered it with, I mean, do you do stuff to the food to make it photograph better so that it's kind of inedible?
Yeah.
So years ago, you were able to just do whatever you wanted to it to just have it keep.
But I think, just because of regulation and lawsuits of late, for a lot of people all the food that we shoot it's it's edible.
Right.
We had our one of our food stylists not not for my client, but he had to actually rebuild a burger in front of a judge in court of law for a lawsuit.
Whoa.
Whoa.
Really?
To prove that he could do it.
To prove that this is real, we're not using anything fake.
This is how we shot it, just like this.
It was crazy.
I once, before an award show, I went to a stylist and I accidentally hired a food stylist.
And I only knew when they were spreading mustard under my eyes.
Pouring lettuce on your head.
And I had a lettuce for hair.
And on the red carpet, I just killed it.
People, remember that?
I got more, it was the cover of Us Weekly.
You just need to spritz the tomato.
That's all.
But I mean, in the old days I always heard that they would practically coat the burger with, you know, motor oil, motor oil or whatever they had to do to make it look appealing.
So that ice cream used to be mashed potatoes.
It's it used to be crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is this true?
So now they would coat a burger with motor oil.
No, but for syrup, I heard they used to do that.
They used to put motor oil on the pancakes.
And then until they burst into flame during a photo shoot.
Remember?
The great pancake fire of 1987?
700 people were killed.
I must have missed that.
And three buttermilk cakes were lost.
But the pictures were pretty.
Yeah, I...
When my wife worked in advertising.
When we met she was, I think, on a food account, for I probably shouldn't say, but she was working on a cookie that if you dipped it in milk, would like turn the milk blue, I think.
Oh, really?
Yeah, and it later turned out to be plutonium.
Oh, perfect.
Yeah, they had illegally sourced it.
So your wife invented plutonium.
Yeah.
That's great.
Yeah, it turned out that she was a spy, and...
Saddam Hussein paid her a lot of money for that cookie.
It was a long time ago, long time ago, but so you're there and you're.
You must have moments, because I have these moments all the time in my life, where I'm doing what has become my work And I step outside my body and I say how did this become my career?
And you must have moments where you're there and 15 people were standing around looking at a triple cheeseburger and people are with tweezers moving a pickle slightly to the right and you must step outside your body and go.
How did this happen?
Absolutely.
No, that happens all the time, especially when we're on set shooting things.
Because it's literally exactly what you said.
It's a whole team of people just looking at me sometimes going, is it good?
Is it ready?
No, it's not there yet.
Let's move the bun back a little bit.
Or, you know, the limeade just needs a little more ice on top.
Oh, man.
Limeade.
That's a clue.
Can you have free food always?
Do you have...
Oh, Sona goes right to the heart of the matter.
Do you always have free food?
Can you just go?
Do they cater it with the food from the company?
Or can you go and get free food?
We are allowed to.
I know, I'm excited.
Sona just wants you to mail her a burger.
That's all.
I will show up with a bunch of food if you all want me to the studio.
Okay.
You're going to drive with the food from Kansas City.
Oh, absolutely.
So you have to be sensitive.
First of all, let's talk about it.
In advertising, it's all about the client.
So is the client there?
I'm guessing the client is there.
Yes, the client's there.
Luckily, our clients are amazing, fantastic.
I've always heard Ronald McDonald's a very nice guy.
Yeah.
Every now and then the Hamburglar comes along and something goes missing.
So anyway, your clients are nice.
That's good.
Clearly, you've been with them a long time.
Long time.
Do you ever go to the actual venues?
Do you ever go to the fast food restaurants and check out how the photographs are being displayed?
Oh, yeah.
And, you know, in the restaurant or a lot of stuff is drive-thru now, isn't it?
I mean, so many places are just drive-thru.
Most of it is.
No, I will go and some of my other designers and copywriters.
We will go once a month to make sure like it is presented properly.
You know, some stores don't get it quite right, but, you know.
Now, what would be a mistake?
If we're there...
Meaning when you say they don't do it quite right.
The lighting isn't right on the burger that you beautifully shot.
No, like we make sure all of our stuff is great and good to go to print.
I'm talking about sometimes there will be, oh, an entire menu is just displayed upside down.
Oh.
Oh, what?
So after doing several, several, several.
I love that they didn't catch that on their own.
Yeah.
What's the problem?
Looks okay to me.
You notice they're wearing their pants on their head, their shoes on their ears.
I don't see any trouble here.
I have to go to the ceiling now and use the toilet.
Wow.
Okay.
So that's funny that you and this posse of yours drive around and I just hear like the Peter Gunn theme.
And you like cruise in.
Yeah.
But you're not just there like other customers.
You're there to check it out.
Oh, yeah.
Like undercover boss.
Oh, you know, they go to like through the drive-thru and they're like, what can I get you?
And you're like a right side up menu, bitch.
Yeah, bitch.
Yeah.
And then you peel out for no reason.
Killing four people.
You'll be hearing from me.
You'll be hearing from me.
We'll be back when your menu is right side up.
I love that you have to check on that.
I hope they put the menu right side up.
I'll have a rembahagahi.
A what?
A rembahagahi.
Do you mean hamburger?
That's what it is upside down.
Oh my God.
Wow.
That's really fun.
I don't know that I'd be of any help to you.
In your it sounds like you've got your.
You know what you're doing.
I think if I came into your life.
You'd make it worse.
I don't, I think I would just make it worse.
I would have, because I would want to do funny things to the burger.
And I know that your client whoever your client be wouldn't appreciate me putting a funny slant on their hamburger.
Like I would want to put a funny hat on it or an eye patch.
You know, something to just sort of lighten the mood a little bit. you know?
Yeah.
Well, I mean, we, we like to have fun with our copywriters.
We like to send some fun headlines around new burgers or, you know, slushes first time around.
See, see if it'll tickle the fancy.
Sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
If you need a copywriting, if you need a copywriting gig, we might be hiring.
I think I'd be okay at copywriting, but my copywriting might get very strange.
I'd be edited a lot and a lot of my stuff wouldn't be used and I'd be frustrated.
Yeah.
You'd be writing over my shoulder.
Now put this in the layout.
Okay, I'll put this one in.
All right, here we go.
Wow.
So, I mean, hats off to you.
It sounds like it'd be a fun job.
It sounds like it's something you enjoy.
It is fun.
It's so fun.
Does it make you critical when you're watching television and you see a rival fast food chain and they're displaying their burger or their nachos or whatever and you don't like it.
Are you like, ha ha, they fucked up.
That nacho cheese looks like diarrhea.
Right.
Do you ever do that?
Oh, yeah.
No, I can't turn it off.
I'll even be on like vacations with my husband and I'll just be taking photos of other, like food promotions and posters.
And he's like, could you just not for one day?
Like we are on vacation.
One day.
Stop thinking about food.
I had an interesting experience, which is we shot a show years ago in Cuba.
And I was looking at the food presentation, because you go to the restaurant and there'd be pictures of the food out front and the menu.
And I go like, oh, that's pretty interesting.
And then you'd go inside and you'd have the food.
And then I'd go to the next restaurant and it was exactly the same, and then exactly the same, and exactly the same.
And I realized, oh, it's state-owned.
Everything was state-owned.
It still is state-owned.
So when you go decide, when you're trying to decide which restaurant to go to in a state owned, you know country like Cuba.
Yeah.
Where everything is under the socialist system.
Everything's the same.
And so it's this weird idea.
I think tonight we'll go to, you know, Chester's and you're like Chester's is the exact same thing.
As David's.
There's one Micah probably for the entire country.
There's one Micah.
There probably is.
There's one Micah.
Yeah.
I freelance in Cuba.
Can I ask a question?
Yeah.
Have you gotten to do anything with, like those robots that make the food, like the drinks, or anything?
Oh, not making the actual food, but on photo shoots for some drink specials, like for slushes or again limeades.
We'll have the robotic arms doing twisting.
That's the biggest clue.
They'll have the robotic arms twisting and pouring syrup at the same time, so that we get this really cool twisty visual while it's going into the drink.
Oh, so you're talking about the camera.
You're talking about the actual camera?
Because sometimes I'll be watching... I mean, it works, right?
I'll be watching television, just scanning TV, and a commercial will come on and suddenly I'll see different brightly colored syrups swirling through time and space and hitting this creamy shake.
And I just want it at that moment.
I mean, you're basically, you are, you have the human brain hardwired, don't you?
You know exactly how to make food look a certain way so that I must have it, right?
Yes, yes.
You're controlling my mind, Sona's mind.
You're controlling David's mind.
You're in control.
Constantly.
It's incredible.
And we fall for any marketing tactic.
We are like a marketer's dream.
Yeah, we really are.
We are.
It works.
I meal plan for you all, essentially.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's so cool.
I mean, I like it sometimes when they show it'll be like a shake and they're trying to show you that they add chocolate bits.
So the beautiful chocolate is swirling or the vanilla is swirling.
And then a shower of little chocolate chips and flakes comes down.
Do you know what I mean?
And perfect.
Beautiful, isn't it?
It's gorgeous.
And I think, put classical music to this.
Yeah.
And this is what I want to see as I'm leaving this world.
I don't want to see the faces of my children or my loved ones.
I want them to roll in a TV, hook me up to the morphine.
And then I want to see little flakes of chocolate dancing through the sky as they hit the pillowy soft creamed ice.
Oh my God.
That's what I want to see.
I like when they bite into the burger in those commercials and then I just think I want to be that person that's biting.
You know, they, like, bite.
Also, I have a theory that they get people with very small hands.
I know what you mean.
No no, but I have a theory that they get people with very small hands to make the burgers look bigger.
Oh!
So that there are burger holders and biters who have... Burger holders?
Who look...
They were born with very small mouths and very small hands, but in every other way their proportions are correct.
And you guys hire them so they can lift the burger up to their mouth and it's just mammoth.
And they go to take a bite and they open their jaw and they take the tiniest bite.
You realize if I had that burger, I could live for a year.
And then all this juice comes out.
Yeah.
Yes, and it's like the burger's having an orgasm.
It's crazy.
Yes.
Oh, I want it.
Now I want a burger.
So you said I'm not wrong.
There are tiny hand people out there.
Tiny hands.
If you are out in the world and you see someone go to pay for the check with a little tiny hand-
And they go, this one's on me.
And they've got a very tiny mouth.
Then you can just say to them, you're a burger holder.
A professional burger holder.
And you try and put cuffs on them to take them to the police station, but they slip off.
But you can gag them by putting a little pea in their mouth.
Just one green pea.
Look, I lost my mind here, Micah.
Oh my God.
My brain broke and you didn't.
Oh no.
Micah, did you have a question for Conan?
Question?
How do we follow that up?
Oh my God.
There's no way he could have a question after that.
Do you?
I do have a question.
I might pivot slightly on my original question I had for you.
Okay.
Which is, are you insane?
Yeah.
No, in the fast food world there's a lot more celebrity endorsements and customized drinks or meals, right.
So if Conan O'Brien had a custom drink or combo, what would it be?
Oh, I mean, if I had a custom drink or combo.
Can you give me an example?
Like what celebrities have a custom drink or combo?
So I think...
I think Mariah Carey had one a while ago and it was just a slight twist on a classic burger and fries and drink.
But what's the Conan O'Brien level-up version of?
Yeah, or like the Hailey Bieber smoothie.
Oh, that's right.
Me, let's see.
Well, I mean, it'd have to be ham-based.
Because, you know, I'm so Irish.
My bones, I had an MRI recently and they said your bones are made of ham.
1970s ham.
So you know it would have to be.
I mean, I'm just saying I'm not putting it out there, but like an Arby's that has like a ham sandwich where there's giant slices of ham.
Yeah.
It would have to be that kind of thing to be true to my Irish roots.
Yeah.
Just big chunks of ham.
Ham.
Can you shoot ham in a way that's attractive or is ham always just ham?
Are we calling it the big chunks of ham combo?
Yeah.
The ham chunker or the slab-a-roo.
The Conan slab-a-roo.
The Conan slab-a-roo.
You have to have a name associated with it.
Okay, yeah.
Conan slab-a-roo.
Yeah, and I'd be paid hundreds of dollars for my association with this product.
Yeah, it's got to be.
And we'll have the tiniest hands hold it for you.
Oh my God.
We have to find tiny hands.
Tiny hands and tiny mouth.
I'm not going to do it.
You are going to do it.
Okay.
Yelling at them.
What?
Yelling at them.
You are going to do it.
You're going to hold his burger and he's going to eat it.
Don't hurt me.
Don't hurt me.
Please don't.
Don't hurt my hands.
Hold it better.
Okay.
So yes, if you could hook me up with, it's gonna.
I don't know what other fast food chains have ham as a staple, but it's gonna have to be ham.
I will pitch it to our clients come Monday morning.
Oh, so your clients have ham.
Interesting.
Got it, we've narrowed it down now.
Limeade and ham.
Yeah, the limeade and ham special.
Wow, this is a soft, this is a fast food place that's going down the toilet fast.
How come no one's coming in for our limeade and ham drink?
Big chunks of ham floating in lime.
What's wrong?
I like it.
Quiet, small mouth.
We're not ready for the photo shoot.
Okay.
All right.
Well, really fun talking to you, Micah.
You're a very funny, smart, cool person.
And I wish you well.
I really do.
It was fun talking to you.
Oh, thank you.
Can I just say one more thing?
I know you get a lot of compliments.
Just me being a fan all these years.
Me and my company what we do, even though it's advertising.
It sounds pretty superficial, but we love to just bring joy, comfort and meaning to people.
Oh, that's so nice.
And your podcast.
And you all three have been doing that for me and my creative director, J.J., for years.
Oh, thank you so much.
Well, I will tell you this.
I'm always watching ads and seeing really funny stuff that I think oh, I wish I had thought of that.
There's a the line between you know what I do and advertising, and I mean creativity is creativity.
So we're all trying the same thing.
We're all just trying to make.
I don't think you should hem and haw at all about being in advertising.
And, like I say, my wife, who's the most important person in the world to me.
She was in advertising and she loved it.
And, She's an incredibly creative person.
So I don't know.
I don't think.
I think you guys should hold your heads high and get a ham sandwich out there with my name on it.
Okay.
We will.
We absolutely will.
All right.
All right.
Take care, man.
We'll see it.
All right.
Thank you all so much.
Bye-bye.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.
Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples.
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