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These are my personal opinions always secret professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well -being.
Why can't we get them out of our mind?
Why can't we get that person that we used to be in love with or that we lost. Somebody passed away.
Why can't they stop occupying space?
And that's a question I get every now and then.
I just want to be able to move on and somebody asked me recently or they said they thought it was unhealthy that they have hung on to this person in their mind for years after they broke up.
I'm the type of person that when I think about a past X for example, way in the past. I still have a special place for most of them in my heart.
They're still there.
They don't go away unless they were just rotten.
Even then, some of the rotten ones, there were some nice times and we can have relationships where we have nice times with people, and those nice times leave a mark.
And that mark is something that stays with us.
And if it doesn't stay with us, it's because maybe it wasn't as impactful when we were together or maybe we have met someone else, and that has kind of been overwritten.
Or maybe it's still in there.
And you can have both at the same time, you can have this memory of them while you have this other person.
I remember I had a little hard time with my wife when we first met where she said I still love the people that I loved.
I still love them, they're wonderful people, at least a few of them.
Some of them were very special to her but the relationship didn't work out and so she is no longer in those relationships, but she still has love for them.
And it's not an in love feeling, it's I love those people, they're nice people and we're still friends in some cases.
She rarely talks to them if ever, but she says she still loves them.
And I had a hard time with that at first I was like, what does that mean?
What do you mean you still love them?
And I didn't ask her that question.
I kinda struggled with it or had a little conflict with it in myself.
what you love these but what does that mean what does that mean for me am I not special in your life and it's not that I asked those questions it's just I had some insecurities pop up because of that and I also didn't know her too well so I didn't know what that meant so after some time I realized she's just a loving person she opens her heart to certain people and when the heart is open when we open our heart to someone else we're letting them in a place that we don't open to just anyone and that's kind of why I believe that someone can leave a mark on us or with us that memory is not only something
that we have in our brain but it's also in a deeper place that we don't let too anyone in where Asha is.
She's in there. My wife is in there at the deepest place inside of me, and no one else goes there.
That's my wife's place.
And it's also my place.
It's our place inside of me, inside of her too, I'm sure.
We let people further into us, deeper into us, deeper into our psyche, and because of that there's a deeper impact from them in us.
So even if they treat us miserably for months or years, that special place was still opened up.
We opened those doors, And so that deeper emotional place inside of us is also a deeper part of us.
That deeper part of us is a part of our identity.
And these are my views, I'm not saying this is the truth, these are my views is that there's such a deep part of us that is part of our identity that when we are in love with somebody, when we are in a family that we love someone in our family or a really good friend, we're going to tell them things that we wouldn't tell other people, we're going to let them in closer because we feel safer with them as opposed to other people, we trust them more and I believe all of these qualities, all of these components of a relationship, the trust, the feeling safe and just having a deeper connection like
that, the love, is going to stay with us, whether they stay in our life or not.
It's going to stay with us.
It's going to be a part of us, a part of our identity.
So we open this door to this deeper part of us, and we let someone in, and we share that part of us with them, they are integrating with us in some ways.
Because then we go around thinking, it's not just me in this world, it's us.
It's me and you and us, we, and we do things together.
We share things together.
We talk and then we can also fight, we can and argue then we can make up and then we talk about something else and then we talk about things that we don't talk about with other people because we feel okay being vulnerable exposing the deeper parts of us the things that embarrass us that make us feel shame or guilt or silly make us feel totally exposed to the world no emotional armor this is who I am and I'm gonna show you more of me than I am to other people or I may show these few people in my life more of me than I'll show to anyone else those people know me the best this is also why when you're
in a relationship and you've shown almost all of you or a lot of you to someone else that if that person doesn't have your best interest in mind they can do things to hurt you a lot easier than other people because they know so much more about you.
They know how to grab onto your heartstrings.
They know what buttons to press.
They know how to make you feel bad.
They also know how to make you feel good which is good thing, but when we open that door to that deeper part of us, we are saying, I trust you.
I look at it as saying, I trust you with my heart.
Here is my heart. I'm handing it over to you.
I trust you with this most important piece of me.
I trust you with it.
And I hand it over, and I hope that you do the right thing with it.
that's really vulnerable.
You are showing the ultimate level of trust. That's why when someone you trust, and someone you've been with for a long time, betrays you, or manipulate you, or tries to control you, that's why it hurts so much, because they have our heart in their hands.
They have it, and they can do anything they want with it.
They can squeeze it and it hurts and they can give it back and that hurts.
Take this heart back I don't want anymore and then they leave that hurts because we have given the deepest part of ourselves to them.
So that's how I see this is that we can be so attached to someone at that deep level.
That they become a part of us.
They become a part of our identity.
It's not just I am going to this door, it's I want to go to this door and get something for that person or I want to go to this door with that person or I want to watch a movie with this person and that person is always in your head so when that person is no longer there it can feel a little empty that's why we miss people I miss that person so much so it feels a little empty like my wife said she loves the people that she's been with she still has a piece of them inside of her and I don't know if it works in reverse I don't know if they still have some fond feelings for her as well I don't know
but I know that because she's a compassionate person and because she sees the best in so many people way more than I do she sees good things in very difficult people and I don't give as many people the time when they're very difficult.
But she does. She sees it and she sometimes justifies it.
I have to say, why are you justifying their behavior?
They're being awful.
And she says, well, maybe they're doing it because this happened to them and I said, wow, you just have a bleeding heart.
And I wouldn't change a thing, of course, because I would want that.
I want her to see me that way so I love that about her.
That's why when you have somebody in your life that still has fond memories of people they've been with, people they've known, that's why it's a good quality.
You see those qualities and you can ask yourself, if they feel that way about those people then maybe I'm getting that kind of love from them as well.
Maybe that's the kind of love and connection that they offer, and I should consider myself lucky.
Maybe not. Maybe that's not your opinion, but my opinion is that if, for example, my wife is a very compassionate, very loving person, and she has those fond feelings for the people she has known in her life, and she's no longer with those people, but she's with me, then my assumption is that she has those fond feelings for me, yet they're stronger and they're deeper because we're together, where she may just have a memory of someone else and have fond feelings, but she's not getting on the phone and she's not taking a trip to go see them.
I'm not saying it couldn't happen, but that's not what she does.
So, I'm just sharing this because there might be somebody in your life that still has a fond memory of someone and maybe that bothers you, maybe somebody out there is jealous and you may not need to be because if that's the kind of person they are who has a big heart like that and they are with you, that's kind of a nice thing.
That's a very nice thing because that sounds like a nice, warm, compassionate person to be with.
That's how I feel. So, coming back to why these people from our past stick around in our heads, they come up in our thoughts, it's not a bad thing.
It's okay to have these thoughts and it's different from obsession.
Obsession is when you can't stop thinking about the person 24 -7 practically and it's interrupting your minute to minute daily life.
That's when you become totally absorbed in the thoughts.
But if you just have these random thoughts pop up about someone in your past, and you're thinking, why aren't I over this person yet?
Why can't I move on from this?
Don't beat yourself up too much because you probably had something special.
Even if they were awful, if they were awful at the end, but the first few years were great, there's something special.
you opened yourself up to that person more than most people in your life and because of that you created a connection a bond and sometimes that bond goes with us for the rest of our lives.
I think about one of my past relationships and I think wow we really had some nice times.
We were together a long time, we had some nice times.
I learned a lot, I learned new things and I move forward with her in my mind and her in my past and it's undeniable we have people that have shaped our lives and because they shaped our lives we have become who we are you have become who you are because of the people that you've met in your life amongst other things you become the person you are because of all your exposure to everything that has ever happened to you everyone you ever met.
Everyone I ever met has helped shape my life.
Even the negative people, even the dysfunctional toxic people in my life my stepfather has shaped my life.
It was pretty bad at first but I learned a lot, I healed a lot and I have grown wise because of him and I have evolved emotionally because of him, and I have learned how to help others because of him." Not that he taught me how to do that, he taught me what it's like to not be healed.
He taught me what it's like to be the person he was and is right now.
He had a huge effect, probably 99 % of who I am is because of him.
not that he was a positive role model but because I healed from the way he treated us in our family.
If you've never heard me talk about my stepfather, he was an abusive alcoholic, and he made life difficult for all of us until I moved out.
He was a very difficult person to be around and so after I left I carried a lot of dysfunctional behaviors into my relationships and I had to heal those things.
I had to find those repressed emotions that I never got to express.
And those unhealed wounds that stuck with me and those poor coping and survival mechanisms that I needed to reprogram, learn how to deal with challenges better.
Because I looked at the results that I was getting in my life and realize this is not what I want.
I don't want to lose another relationship?
When I was married to my last wife, I couldn't I couldn't believe that was ending.
How can I lose my marriage that's supposed to last for the rest of my life?
I don't want that to happen, yet it did.
I don't want to lose good people in my life.
I don't want to lose the people that I care for so much, but I had to realize that these things kept happening to me which caused me to finally look inward, and ask myself, what if I was the common denominator for all the problems in my life?
What would that look like?
If I was the problem in this marriage, what does that look like?
What am I doing, or what could I be doing that is causing these issues?
If I was the problem in my last relationship, what would that have looked like?
What did I do to be a problem?
And if I think to myself, I was perfect.
There's no problem.
I wasn't the problem.
She was, if I say that, then I have to dig deeper.
I have to tell myself, OK, let's just say that you were the problem, except that you were the problem.
So what did you do in that relationship to be a problem?
Name one thing, Paul.
And then I can say, Wow, I was pretty critical of her.
I wasn't as supportive as I could have been during that time of our life.
I was very critical.
I was very judgmental.
I was commenting on the things that she ate or what she wore.
Why did I do that? So I think if I were the problem in this relationship, what did I do that was a problem and I have to figure it out.
That's what I did when my marriage was ending.
I finally decided to look inward, open that door into my deeper self and ask myself if I was the problem, then what was I doing?
That was a problem.
One discovery I made was understanding the reaction I got when I did certain things, the reaction I got from the people I cared about.
Also, and this is even more important, trying on empathy.
I put myself in her shoes, you know, my previous partner, for example, I put myself in her shoes and I asked myself if that person did the things that I used to do.
If Paul was over there doing that thing to me right now or saying those words to me right now how would that feel?
I don't even have to try an empathy empathy for that power.
All I have to do is ask myself what if the roles were reversed?
What if she was doing the things that I did?
How would that feel to me?
If that doesn't blow your mind, meaning you reverse the roles and you see your behavior coming from someone else toward you, how does that feel?
Now, if you're a kind, generous, supportive person, it's going to feel pretty good.
If you're maybe doing something that's not kind and generous and supportive, you'll probably feel it and that's what I did.
I felt it. I I felt the hurt.
I felt the judgment.
I felt the criticism.
I felt the withdrawal of love and support.
And it hurt. And for the first time, this is at the end of my marriage.
For the first time, I realized I'm awful.
I don't wanna be that way.
I don't wanna be that person who makes my wife or my partner feel that way.
So I started to address the behaviors inside of me.
And that's important.
If you find that your behaviors are not cool, they're not helpful, they're not supportive, they're not loving.
Do that role in reversal.
What if that person was doing that to me?
What if my partner or my coworker, my subordinate, whatever, is saying those words to me, acting that way to me the way I'm acting toward them.
How would that feel?
It's just a little thought experiment, but it changed my life.
I mean, literally. That's the day my life took a 180.
I turned my life around and started healing because I needed to stop being that way.
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I'm not really wondering that I know it.
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I mean, why do I sleep well, but still feel tired?
Should I be eating differently?
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Sometimes we carry the old version of ourselves around.
for so long we don't know, it's an old version that needs an upgrade.
We need to change the program because what is happening isn't working anymore.
We can find out what's happening if the people around us are happy, you know, if it's in a relationship situation.
Or if we're not getting the results that we want, we have to change something so we can look at ourselves from another person's perspective and we might see something different.
So to the person who reached out to me, who asked the question, why can't I get them or why haven't I been able to get them out of my mind, it's been years.
Those are my thoughts.
I'm not saying that they're right, that's just how I think that's my opinion on this and you asked me, there's my answer and I will answer another part of that like I won't think about this person ever again and why do you think it's taken so long to get them off my mind and they said it seems so unhealthy to let this person still have space in my head but I'm doing a lot better than I was.
Yes you probably are doing a lot better after many years.
I do think there's a part of it that if we are not doing other things that are similar enough that that information doesn't get rewritten for example.
Why can't I get over this relationship that I was in.
I haven't been in a relationship for years and I keep thinking about that other person.
It could be because the relationship that you got in isn't hitting the same targets.
You have some values that the relationship isn't hitting on, isn't fulfilling.
So that could be it or it could be something that I remember like some of the memories that we have when we're really young or when we're in our first or second great relationship for example they are enhanced they are amplified we think they are better than they were so that happens too like we can have a memory of something that happened and think that was the best thing that ever happened to me and it probably was the first time it ever happened but the second time it happened may not be may not have been the best thing that ever happened to you so I do believe that the novelty of something
new that occurs Can also leave an effect, leave a mark in your heart, in in the brain and when that happens it can seem like it was the greatest or it was the worst or whatever.
The novelty of something, the newness of something, affects our brain differently and sometimes makes us remember and not get that memory out easily and as for it seeming unhealthy to let the person still have space in your head, it's not unhealthy it's a part of you a part of your life and you shared that part of your life with someone else the deepest part of you probably and when you share that deep part of you they become a part of you and that may not sound great to some people have there may not sound like a good thing but again you know my stepfather became a part of me I feel like 99 % and I
know that is an exaggerated number.
So many other factors out there have helped me become who I am today.
But it seems like he was the biggest part of my life and in a negative way when he was in it but in a positive way because of all I learned and that's how I take it.
All I've learned and who I've become and the choice of career that I have now which is this, is what I'm doing right now.
All All of that happened because of that upbringing, because of his existence in my life.
So I am grateful it happened even though I wish it never did, if that makes sense.
When you are grateful for some of the stuff that has happened in your life, even though you wish it never did, you start to find the meaning and the purpose and the lessons.
and you can move forward with that meaning and purpose and lessons.
So for one to make sure that crap doesn't happen again and two you carry the wisdom of whatever happened to you to not only help yourself but if you want help others you can see somebody and say hey you're going through what I went through I can you know give you my thoughts if you'd like to know kind of been doing for the last 10 years I'm so glad you join me thank you so much and thank you for listening to another episode of the Overwhelmed Brain I want to thank our patrons and our donors the people who support the show I'm very grateful to you and I always enjoy seeing your names pop up every
month because I get emails that tell me who's in the the program or who's donating so thank you patrons thank you donors I'm appreciative and I'm so glad you value this show and if you value this show you're listening right now and you want to give back because you value the show head over to moretob .com and that's where you can do that over there.
Thank you again and I want to tell you about another podcast I do called Love and Abuse.
I talked about emotionally abusive relationships, control, manipulation, and all the nasty stuff that we don't want in the relationship.
All the sometimes hard to spot, hard to identify behaviors that make the relationship difficult.
Should not be difficult.
It should be challenging, but not difficult.
Relationships that are challenging you can work through the challenges together.
Relationships that are difficult, there's usually only one of you working through those difficulties and that shouldn't be the case.
It should be both of you working through the challenges together, trying to figure it out, trying to make the relationship better.
because a one -sided relationship is like a seesaw with one person on it.
It just doesn't balance out.
So that's a podcast I do called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse .com.
And if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship, you're the one that's not sitting on the other side of the seesaw, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing .com.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions And be firm in your decisions and actions, so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure, and above all, this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing!
