Hello, everybody.
Welcome back to Podcast and Chill.
I'm Leo.
And I'm Gwen.
Leo, you look really tired today.
You okay?
Ugh.
Yesterday I stayed super late helping a co-worker with his project, then woke up this morning to a text from my cousin asking for a ride to school.
Don't you guys live in different areas?
Yeah, completely out of my way to work.
But she asked, so?
So?
Why didn't you just say no?
I don't know.
I just worry they'll be upset with me.
But saying yes to everything only makes you more tired and unhappy.
Ugh, I know.
I just give in.
Now I feel bad about myself, like I'm being used.
Then today, we will talk about the art of saying no.
Yep.
We'll learn how to set clear boundaries, share useful tips for work and personal life.
Also, how to spot and handle emotional bullying.
It's a longer episode, but it's full of ready-to-use tools.
This episode is B1 level English, but strong beginners can follow along.
We'll explain key words and do a full recap at the end.
Let's learn to say no with confidence.
Leo, picture this.
You're packing up to leave work.
Laptops closed, bag is zipped.
Ah, the best moment of the day.
Then, our boss walks up behind you.
Hey, Leo, do you have a minute?
Oh, no, no, no.
You're really good at this, so can you help me with this document?
What do you do?
Honestly, I'd probably just say yes, even though I'm already thinking about dinner.
Why, though?
Because I'm afraid saying no could hurt my chances of a promotion.
So it's the fear.
Fear of being seen as difficult, or that it might hurt your chances.
Yep, and that fear is why I'm sitting here, looking like I haven't slept in three days.
That's the trap, Leo.
When you live to please others, you put their needs first every time.
Your mouth says, yes, sure, but your brain is screaming, no way.
And what's the real cost of that?
Everything.
Your bandwidth.
Hold on.
What's bandwidth?
It sounds like a sandwich.
No, it's not.
It means how much time and energy you have.
Oh, interesting.
And it costs you everything.
You're left with nothing for your own goals.
Ugh, so it's like the oxygen mask rule.
The what?
Oxygen mask rule.
You have to put your own oxygen mask on before helping others.
Yes, like that.
If you don't take care of yourself first...
You'll get tired and grumpy.
You might even start hating the people you're trying to help.
Wait, so boundaries aren't about being selfish?
Not at all.
They're about self-respect and building your self-esteem.
When you respect yourself and your own needs, others start to respect you too.
Okay, that clicks for me.
It's not about being rude.
It's about looking out for myself.
And your relationships get healthier too.
They're based on honesty, not on you secretly being annoyed all the time.
Now that makes perfect sense.
A quick question for everyone.
Who's the hardest person for you to say no to?
Is it your boss?
A friend who always wants to hang out when you're tired?
Let us know in the comments, because up next, we'll show you what to do in these situations.
Don't go anywhere.
This is where it gets good.
Okay, Mr. Yes Man.
Bags in your hand, and then...
The boss appears.
Any new thoughts on what you should do, or is your brain still on yes?
Uh, yeah.
My mouth just goes, sure, no problem, before my brain can even think.
That's why you need to build in a pause to stop the yes and buy yourself time to think.
Time?
How?
Instead of saying no right away, take a breath.
Then, just tell them honestly what you're doing.
Oh, like a simple list?
Just so you know, I'm finishing the Johnson Report for Friday, so... Perfect.
Keep it simple and true.
Just show your hands are full.
Hmm.
I like that.
But what if they say...
I understand, but I really need this.
Then, ask for their help to decide what comes first.
I can do this, but to make sure I do it right, which of my tasks should I move or delay?
Whoa, making them choose what's less important.
Sneaky.
It's just smart.
You're showing personal agency by protecting your time.
Oh yeah, most bosses respect that.
But let's say they still need me.
What then?
Time to get curious.
Ask questions to understand the real ask.
When is it really due?
What's the main goal here?
Sometimes, just by talking it through, They realize it's not as urgent as they thought or that it needs more people.
Or maybe Rachel from accounting is the right person for this.
I'm helping them find the best solution, not just shutting them down.
Bingo.
And if it still needs to be done, you can give them a new plan.
Like... Wait.
Let me try.
Um, I can start this first thing on Monday with a fresh mind, or I can do part A if someone else takes care of part B.
Now you're thinking the right way.
The key is to stay cool, polite, and resolute.
No shaky voice, no fake sick grandma excuses.
Right.
It's about being clear and professional.
Not sorry for having other work.
That feels powerful.
It is.
That's your personal agency and assertiveness in action.
So, guys, we're curious.
Did you ever try a polite way to say, not right now, when your boss asks for something extra?
Or maybe you already used one of the tips we just shared.
Tell us in the comments.
Oh, right.
Gwen, what about coworkers?
I mean, bosses are one thing, but a coworker like my buddy Michael?
Hmm.
Friends at work are trickier because you see them every day.
And you don't want to be that person, if you know what I mean.
It's a different game.
Totally.
You have to change things a little.
My favorite first move is the check back.
The check back?
Instead of a flat, no, you say, I'm busy until after lunch.
Can you check back with me at two?
If it's still urgent, I'll help.
Oh, I see.
If it's really urgent, they'll come back.
If not, they'll solve it themselves or wait.
Exactly.
You're... Hey, you did this to me before.
Remember the Jenkins files?
Uh, yeah.
But it did work, right?
Twenty minutes later, you tell me, never mind.
I solved it.
I can't even be mad about that.
That's actually genius.
See?
A real example.
And if you want, another great move is the better fit.
Let me guess.
Giving it to someone else?
In the nicest way.
Say, this isn't really my area.
Would be better at this.
Need me to call him?
So I'm not saying I won't.
I'm saying here's who can.
And I am even helping make the connection.
Yep.
Just being a good teammate.
And when you're really busy, it's okay to be honest.
I'd love to help. but I have a 10 a.m. deadline and meetings all afternoon.
Clear.
No hard feelings.
And then, if it makes sense, I can still use that better fit move.
Yeah.
The more you use these, the more your assertiveness grows, and the more people get it.
They will learn about my boundaries.
No more last-minute work.
That's it.
It turns emotional bullying or guilt into clear professional conversations.
Hey guys, if this conversation is helping you handle situations like this better, please give us a like and subscribe to the channel.
It tells us this is the kind of content you want.
And it helps us keep making more episodes like this.
Alright, time to get personal.
Gwen, be honest.
Have you ever said no to hanging out with your best friends?
Oh, for sure.
More than I can remember.
I love my friends, but they love a big loud night out.
Like concerts, bars, you name it.
That's really not my thing.
And you just say no to that?
Doesn't it feel like you're letting them down?
Or being a bad friend?
It did at first.
I remember once my friend Emma was so confused when I skipped a concert.
She asked if I was mad at her.
That's exactly the reaction I'm scared of.
What did you do?
I said, Not at all.
I need a quiet night to myself.
You guys have fun and tell me everything tomorrow.
And she was fine with it?
She was a little hurt at first.
But I stayed friendly and warm, so she got over it.
You just need to keep your boundaries clear.
It takes time then, but it works?
It does.
Now they know my boundaries and respect them.
Saying no early is the best way to protect a friendship from bad feelings.
Yeah, it builds honesty, not just people-pleasing.
Exactly.
And here's the thing about friends.
You don't have to always put their priorities first.
But what if they get upset about that?
The last thing I want is to hurt their feelings or make them think I don't care.
Let them.
If they're real friends, they'll understand.
But if they keep having a bad reaction, then you learn something important about that friendship.
Harsh but fair.
It lets you see if it's a healthy relationship or not.
The worst thing is saying yes but feeling no inside.
Later you might feel angry at that friend.
Then how do you say no without sounding like you're making excuses?
Say it early and clearly.
Don't wait until you're so angry that you end up hurting the friendship.
I'm really tired, so I can't go out tonight, but I hope you have fun.
What if they keep pushing?
Come on, just for one drink, or don't be lame, stuff like that.
A good friend will stop after a no.
But if they keep pushing, make you feel bad on purpose.
You might need to have a direct talk about your boundaries.
Something like?
A calm, hey, I care about you, but when I say no, I need you to respect that.
Wait, that feel bad on purpose, isn't that emotional bullying you mentioned earlier?
Yeah.
It's when someone uses your feelings to control what you do.
The, I thought we were friends just because you can't come to one party.
Yep.
A real friend might be disappointed, but they won't make you feel bad about your choice.
Right.
Once I've said no nicely, their feelings are not my job to fix.
And sometimes, saying no kindly shows you who values you, not just your yes.
Yeah, it's like we said at the start.
Every time you say no to something you don't want, you're saying yes to your own personal agency.
So, everyone, what would you do?
Your friends are planning a big night out, but you're tired.
Do you force yourself to go, or do you choose to say no and rest?
Tell us your choice and why in the comments.
Can we talk about the real challenge now, Gwen?
The final boss of saying no.
Ah, yes.
Family.
The cousin who needs a ride.
The uncles who need tech support every day.
Can you just quickly... That turns into a three-hour project.
My family is the best, but... But they often expect us to drop everything to be there for them.
That.
But we're family.
Ugh.
What's your move when you have to like?
You know Well, I set a clear rule about what I will and won't do and stick to it.
A rule?
Like?
Imagine your cousin wants to borrow some money from you.
My worst nightmare.
I feel my wallet crying already.
Right.
Just say, sorry, I have a rule that I never let family borrow money.
It just keeps things simple for me.
Just like that?
A personal rule?
That's kind of genius and actually sounds like you.
Well, yeah.
Say it once clearly and they know.
If they keep asking, you repeat the same thing.
Because the more you explain, the more they ask.
Exactly.
Just follow your rule and done.
How about for the people who eat up our time, like the uncle who needs five minutes of tech help?
Easy.
You set clear time rules.
Say something like, I can help you on Saturday, but I only have from 2 to 3 p.m. free.
Will that work?
Oh, I'm giving a clear yes, but with a very clear limit.
They can take it or leave it.
Bingo.
And here's my lazy genius trick.
Don't reply too fast.
Unless the house is on fire, wait an hour before replying to that urgent family text.
Just ignore them?
Not ignore.
Pause.
It quietly teaches them you can't always help.
It reminds me of that check back trick.
Yeah, if you pause long enough half the time, they solve the problem themselves.
I swear, I used to get so stressed about this.
But having these little tricks, it feels so much easier now.
Everyone, smash that like button for Gwen for giving us such useful information.
And type, I love this podcast in the comments.
It's our secret code for more of this, please.
Our secret code.
I love it.
Leo, I feel like we're still missing something.
Work, friends, family.
Who, oh wait, the person you might share a Netflix password with.
Your partner.
That's right.
Your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife.
Oh, man.
Saying no to them?
That feels like you're asking to sleep on the sofa tonight.
It really shouldn't feel that way.
Imagine your partner really wants you to try their hobby.
Like, I don't know, weekend hiking.
I know this one.
I love them.
But the idea of waking up at four to climb a mountain, just nah.
But you could say, I know you love hiking, but waking up that early on my day off isn't for me.
Ooh.
How about you go with a group this time, and I'll be here with lunch ready for you.
That's good.
It's not I hate your hobby.
It's I support you, but I need my thing too.
That feels so much healthier than forcing it and feeling tired all day.
A good no with your partner isn't being selfish.
It's about making sure you both have enough.
Air.
Our own energy and who we are.
So we don't lose ourselves in the relationship.
You got it.
It protects the relationship by protecting the people in it.
Man, when you put it that way, saying no starts to sound less like being difficult and more like The secret to staying happy and healthy for the people you love.
Yeah, that one.
So, guys, we've used some important vocabulary throughout this episode.
Before we wrap up, let's do a quick recap of that vocabulary so you can use them in your life.
First one, self-esteem.
It means how much you value and respect yourself.
Example, when you have strong self-esteem, you don't need everyone to like you all the time.
Next, assertiveness.
It's asking for what you need clearly and honestly without being mean.
For example, I can take that project if we delay my other work.
That's assertiveness.
Third word, resolute.
It means you are sure and clear about your decision.
Like, she was resolute in her no to working late.
Continue with personal agency.
This means your power to make your own choices and control your actions.
Example, saying no is an act of personal agency.
You're choosing yourself.
Fifth, emotional bullying.
This is when someone tries to control you by making you feel bad.
If a friend says a real friend would come after you said no, that's emotional bullying.
Finally, bandwidth.
It means how much time and energy you have right now.
Example, I don't have the bandwidth to take on extra work today.
And there you have it.
Six words to change how you communicate about boundaries.
Don't click away yet.
Leo's about to share the three golden rules he learned today.
Stay until the very end for that.
Wait, really?
We made it.
Thank you for staying with us until the end.
We know this was a little longer than usual, but every part mattered.
Remember, saying no can feel like you're disappointing people.
But when you do it with skill and kindness, people actually respect you more.
And you protect yourself at the same time.
So, Leo, what are your three rules?
Wait, where is the paper you gave me?
Oh, rule number one, be assertive but kind.
You can be firm without being mean.
You can say, I appreciate you asking, but I can't help with this.
Rule number two, offer another option when you can.
Don't just disappear.
Like, I can't make it today, but maybe next week.
Or, have you asked David?
He's good at this.
And rule number three, be honest.
Don't make excuses or lies because they can destroy trust.
Thank you so much for hanging out with us today.
Like and subscribe for more videos like this in the future.
This is Podcast and Chill.
I'm Gwen.
And I'm Leo.
Bye, guys.
