I recently attended a small gathering, and honestly, I felt so bored and understimulated.
I knew everyone there pretty well, but the conversations just were not flowing.
No one was asking follow-up questions and the topics felt very one-dimensional.
We all want to leave a social setting feeling good, and on that day, I did not.
Instead, I left frustrated, thinking, why is everyone so boring?
And the next few days, I could not stop thinking about it.
I replayed some of the conversations in my head, pondering questions like what would have made it more enjoyable and were the others having a good time?
And, of course, the dreaded question was i the boring one?
And all this made me wonder what actually makes a conversation good and what makes a bad one, and so i started thinking about some of the recent positive experiences that i've had to use as a case study.
Here is some background to the scenario that I picked.
Lunch date with guy I was dating.
Tall, dark, handsome.
It was date number 6.
By the way, can you imagine being this guy and seeing this video of me writing an entire video essay about what made our conversation so enjoyable?
This is why I could never date a YouTuber They are weird.
Now, of course, this video is not about that date or that person in particular.
We are just going to use that scenario to try and generate some more in-depth understanding of the complex art of having good conversation.
The general admissions gate.
The general admissions gate is the basic criteria we subconsciously set before we even consider having a conversation with someone.
And now, of course, there can be countless reasons for why we might not want to engage with someone everything from their appearance to their behavior, or even just our mood in that moment.
Now, obviously, date number six.
So he had passed the admissions gate already.
And then comes the add-ons or levels.
We will call it level one, which is there is some level of interest in that other person.
And this interest could be anything really, you know.
It could be your neighbor telling you about their recent trip to sydney, a place that you have always wanted to visit, or it could be a colleague you bond with over shared love for tacos, or it could simply be just someone having really great sense of style.
As for my date, level one was reached the moment we swiped right on each other and started messaging, because it signals that there is something there that I'm curious about or intrigued by.
Now, the reason I mention this is because oftentimes we tend to enjoy a conversation more if we already have some sort of established interest in that person, whether we are romantically interested in them or we find them entertaining or just intellectually stimulating.
You know our reason for having level one.
Interest in someone can vary greatly, but If you, on the other hand, find no interest in that person at all, regardless of reason, you're not likely to find a conversation with them interesting either.
Okay, now that you and this person, or in my case me and this guy, are on a level one basis.
Let's break down the conversation itself.
But from the very beginning, because it actually starts before the conversation itself.
So let's take a look at what I mean.
Let's picture two different scenarios with this guy who we will just call Guy from here on.
Here is scenario one.
Guy and I enter this lunch place and sit at our table.
Guy keeps his coat on, he puts his phone on the table and he orders a small side dish because he said he's already full.
He had a meal before he came here.
And here is scenario two.
Guy and I enter this lunch place.
He goes to hang up his coat before we take a seat.
He leaves his phone out of sight and he orders a proper meal.
Now, some people may not even take note of any of these things, but I think most people do, and sometimes subconsciously.
So here is what scenario one signals.
I am not making myself comfortable.
I'm not feeling relaxed.
I'm open to being distracted and I don't plan on staying for that long.
I knew we were having lunch, but I disregarded that and ate before coming here anyway.
Here is what scenario two signals.
I am making myself comfortable.
I'm in no rush.
I plan on being present with no distractions from my phone, and since we agreed on lunch, that's what we are doing.
I want to be here.
Now, why does this matter?
Because feeling relaxed, comfortable and at ease is usually a prerequisite for potentially having a good time and an enjoyable conversation.
We want to feel like the other person wants to be there, and we're constantly, subconsciously and otherwise, picking up cues that signal these things to us.
Alright, you're both seated now, you and whoever in this scenario is, Guy and I And before discussing the conversation itself, let's take a look at the initial body language and let's do the scenarios again.
Scenario 1.
Guy maintains the appropriate amount of eye contact as we are beginning to converse, which is said to be 50 of the time while you are speaking, 70 of the time while you are listening.
He also has an open posture, you know, slightly leaning in towards me, Subtly stroking my arm when appropriate, and then observing how I respond.
His facial expressions reflect the topic and mood of the conversation.
He smiles as I tell him something that excites me.
He looks concerned when I tell him something heavy.
Scenario 2.
Guy leans back, arms crossed, scanning the room, hardly looking at me as he speaks or as I speak.
His face is mostly expressionless, not changing as I tell him something exciting, nor when I tell him something heavy.
And now here is what scenario one signals.
I'm listening.
I hear you.
I feel relaxed and I'm glad to be here.
Here's what scenario 2 signals.
I'm not interested.
I'm not really into you or this conversation.
I'm distracted.
I'm tense.
I'm not fully present.
Let's talk about the conversation itself, starting with active listening.
So, besides body language, what did Guy do that made me feel like he was really listening?
1 Guy did not rush me when I spoke.
He wasn't bursting to chime in with his own view or opinion or personal anecdote.
I felt like I had space to elaborate my view and to think before I spoke.
2 He responded with relevant follow-up questions or statements.
So, Let's say that I told Guy, this apple would be so good with some Himalayan salt.
My mom would always add it to our fruit bowls growing up, but my sister never liked it.
Here's an example of a good follow-up question that Guy could ask.
Do you still add Himalayan salt to your apples like your mom used to do?
And what else did you and your sister grow up disagreeing on?
Here's an example of a relevant follow-up statement.
Because a good conversation does not only consist of back and forth questions.
It also consists of statements.
So perhaps he could have said something like, my mom also used to make us fruit bowls.
Peers instead of apples, though.
And you know those pyramids that you can get at X market?
They've become sort of nostalgic for me now.
And here's an example of something I could have said that would be neither a question nor really a statement, but rather just some words that tell me he's not really listening or he's just disinterested.
Oh.
That's crazy.
And now conversation is not even all about just follow up questions and statements.
Sometimes it's about acknowledging and validating the other person, both verbally and via body language.
So, for example, let's say someone says, my trip to Australia is only five days away.
If relevant, you could enthusiastically say something like, I can tell that really excites you.
It's not a question.
It's simply acknowledging their emotions.
Or if they share something heavy, like it was hard losing a friend, like that, saying something like it seems like this change has been really heavy on you or something you know, it makes the other person feel seen and supported.
Number two, the conversation remains within your frame of comfort.
So your frame of comfort will look different depending on the situation, who you're having a conversation with.
It's just a fancy way of saying what I feel comfortable talking about depends on who I'm talking to.
And I find that some of the best conversations are when you both are able to pick up on it without really verbally expressing it.
You just intuitively know what's appropriate to say and what isn't.
There's this underlying agreement, and now, it's not always obvious.
Finding that balance between showing interest and curiosity about a person without being intrusive and overstepping a boundary.
I mean, I literally had a hairdresser ask me how much money I make once.
You know it's worth mentioning here too, that our personal boundaries are often very much influenced by things like our culture and our upbringing.
And now, if you're unsure about a topic or conversation, a good way to remain respectful is to first say something.
Like You know, I'm curious about something, but I understand it can be a bit of a sensitive topic for some people, so please don't feel any pressure to respond.
Number three, smooth transition of topics and depth of conversation.
We tend to enjoy multidimensional dialogue, when we get to feel and experience different types of emotions.
When we're talking to someone.
So, Guy and I, you know we would talk about some very deep, meaningful things, and we would also be silly and keep it lighthearted.
And we were able to go from one topic to the next just seamlessly.
Number four, a 50-50 talking listening ratio.
Now, it doesn't need to be exactly 50-50 every time.
It's really just that a good conversation feels balanced.
You feel like you have listened to another person, you have allowed them to speak and open up, while also feeling heard and like you got to say what was on your mind.
No one wants to feel like they are just an ear and no one wants to feel like they need to carry the entire conversation.
Number five, tone of voice and energy level.
We've all been there.
You know, you're spending time with someone and you can barely hear what they say.
I have been in situations where I need to hold my breath while they speak just so I can hear them.
And now, naturally, that's going to be exhausting.
And there is also the other extreme end of that, where the person is so loud that it makes you uncomfortable, where they will loudly yell out something like what
He cheated with Lila from HR?
And no consideration for the fact that it's kind of a sensitive topic and not every single person at the restaurant needs to know what we are talking about.
And now naturally, we all have different tones of voice and energy levels when we speak, and we don't need to match perfectly with another person in order to be able to have an enjoyable conversation, but it is quite a relief when you are somewhat synced.
And Guy and I were like that.
I could breathe and still hear him, and I also did not have to worry about everyone hearing us.
It just felt harmonious.
6.
Comfortable silences.
In between talking and bantering, Guy and I would chew our food in peace, and we would occasionally lean back for a brief moment, inviting bits of silence.
I find that being able to do that makes social interactions feel less straining, especially if you are introverted.
I know to me, it's not even just about wanting to have pauses while conversing.
It's also because I genuinely want to take a look around once in a while.
You know, I find it interesting to see who's at the restaurant.
What is the vibe like, what song is playing, people watch and whatnot.
If we are constantly talking and there is no space for a small break, I can't really absorb my surroundings, and I wish to do that.
It just makes me appreciate the experience more.
Number seven, that thing that you cannot pinpoint.
Look.
Sometimes we just click with some people.
I don't know if there is science behind it.
I don't know if it's pheromones chemistry hormones, spiritual.
I don't know.
All I know is that it happens.
So, even though perhaps the other person was too loud and they kept their coat on and they talked way too much about themselves, you still left feeling good and inspired and excited and like you want to see them again.
Now let's touch on some of the things that have the potential of making a conversation feel like a negative experience.
And I will try to bring up points that aren't simply the opposite of everything that I already discussed.
Number one, excessive expressions and body language.
It's the constant.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I do this and I try not to.
I do it as a way to validate the other person.
Like I wanted to really know that I'm here, I'm listening, but it becomes too much.
It's not necessary.
I know when someone else does it, it makes me feel 2.
They agree with every little thing you say.
This is one of those things that makes a conversation feel disingenuous.
We like it when we have a lot in common with someone and when we seem to agree on a lot of things, but we can also appreciate having different views of people and to be introduced to new perspectives.
But even more so, we want honesty and authenticity, And I think it's safe to say that there is no way that you can 100 agree on every little single thing that we talk about.
Number three, no intellectual exchange.
This is not about being pretentious and quoting ancient philosophers every other sentence to seem like an intellectual.
It's simply about being well read, being up to date with some current events, perhaps having a similar educational level, although not always necessary and just being able to understand each other.
You know, at the very least, being open and interested in learning about various things.
So let's say you are on a date, platonic or romantic, And much of the conversation consists of oh, what's that?
Oh, I've never heard that.
Never try that.
Don't know where that place is.
Don't know anything about that.
You know, it can make it difficult to relate to one another and it become very under stimulating if they never really have anything to add.
Number four, not respecting or ignoring personal space.
There is this personal space illustration where the furthest is social, the closer is personal, the closest is intimate.
Thankfully, as a Swede, we love personal space.
It's a cultural thing.
I wouldn't say it's at all a regular occurrence that someone is standing way too close to your face, but it does happen, and the most confusing thing is when you feel someone that's close to you, you can, like feel their breath, and so you subtly, you know, take a couple steps back, and then they follow you.
Why are you following me now?
Not respecting personal space can also be, you know, insisting on having a conversation or asking a question that the other person is clearly not interested in, or it's making them uncomfortable.
It can also be things like sending multiple messages when it's not being reciprocated.
Come on, we're all spending a ton of time on our phones.
And sure, you know, we will still be busy.
We have a lot going on, but we have seen the text least i'm 90 sure that we have.
We have seen the email and we're either too busy to respond at the moment, and so we will respond at a later point, or we're just not interested and we will not respond at all.
Stop the double texting.
And, by the way This, I think, is way more of a personal pet peeve of mine rather than general advice.
Number five, any level of rudeness or disrespect.
This one is a no-brainer.
You know, if someone is being rude, making inappropriate jokes, belittling you, or anything that feels disrespectful, it's of course not going to be a good experience.
Number six, excessive complaining and negativity.
So this is me.
I'm afraid i hate when i catch myself doing this, even something seemingly innocent like complaining about the weather.
I just don't want to be that person, you know.
I want to make weather appropriate plants, wear weather appropriate clothes and go with it.
And now, of course, we can complain sometimes.
In fact, i think we should complain sometimes.
I don't know if there is any science to back this up, But I think it's healthy in small doses.
Sometimes you need to vent to your friends.
That's not even complaining.
And you may want to discuss different perspectives.
You know, you need to relieve some stress.
That is all fine.
But what we're talking about here is the chronic complainer, where their mindset is just so negative and it just clouds even you.
And it can be quite draining.
And now look, most important of all, You should know this and I should know this.
There is not a blueprint for a good conversation, just like there is no blueprint for success or finding love.
We just do our best and sometimes it goes the way that we want it.
Sometimes it does not.
And you just need to be absolutely OK with that.
Every encounter is different.
Every person is different.
Every relationship is different.
There is a time and there is a place.
For example, There are plenty of situations where shallow level small talk is perfectly appropriate and even enjoyable.
And then there are situations where going deeper is the right move.
There are times when we don't want follow up questions because we're just not interested in going deeper with that person.
And then sometimes that is exactly what we wish to happen.
It's important to be mindful of the situation that we are in you know who we're speaking to and to pick up on their cues and to respect their boundaries.
We need to fully understand that no one owes you a good time or any time at all, and neither do you owe others that.
I think a word that beautifully sums up what we are ultimately experiencing in those rare, really good conversations is intersubjectivity.
I guess you could say it's just a fancy way of referring to that shared understanding, meaning and connection between people.
It's like when part of you connects with another person, even if it's just for a moment, and then you come back to yourself.
It's a process by which people come to understand and relate to each other's inner worlds, and it goes beyond just having a conversation.
It's the mutual understanding that builds over time through meaningful exchanges.
