A lot of people are successful and exhausted, connected but lonely, comfortable and still not happy.
So what exactly are we chasing?
We've been told happiness comes from achievement, more success, more money, more optimization.
But what if that formula is incomplete or even backwards?
Today's SYSK trending topic is how to successfully pursue happiness.
My guest, Stephanie Harrison, author of the book New Happy, says many of us have been sold the wrong definition of happiness and that constantly focusing on ourselves may actually be the problem.
She'll explain why shifting outward, not upward, could be the key to more lasting joy.
Listen, and you may just find this conversation changes how you define a happy life.
And we'll get to it right after this.
You know, I'm a sucker for a good mystery.
Like, in the 1950s, a flight from New York to Minneapolis just disappeared over Lake Michigan.
No wreckage, no answers.
Or the Dietlof Pass incident a group of experienced hikers found dead under circumstances so strange.
People still debate what really happened.
There's a podcast called Expedition Unknown from Discovery, hosted by Josh Gates, and this is what he does.
He doesn't just tell these stories.
He goes there.
He's hunted for priceless artifacts stolen by the Nazis in World War II.
He's traced the final flight of a pilot who vanished mid-mission and searched the Great Lakes for a ship that disappeared without a trace.
And most iconic legends.
Listen to Expedition Unknown wherever you get your podcasts.
In the quest for happiness, it just may be possible that we misunderstand what it means to be happy.
No one is happy all the time.
Happiness is not a momentary feeling.
Happiness is so much more than that, and it appears we often get it wrong.
As you are about to hear, the secret to your happiness may lie with other people.
Meet Stephanie Harrison.
She is creator of The New Happy Philosophy.
Her work has been featured in publications like Fast Company, Forbes and the Harvard Business Review.
And The New Happy's art newsletter, podcast and programs reach millions of people around the world.
Stephanie is also author of the book New Happy Getting Happiness Right in a World That's Got It Wrong.
Hi, Stephanie.
Welcome to Something You Should Know.
Thank you.
I'm so excited to be here.
There does seem to be lately a big focus on happiness in popular culture, in the media books, podcasts.
And yet you say that we get it wrong sometimes or even a lot of the time.
So explain what that's all about.
Yeah, that's exactly right.
The premise of my work is that our society has conditioned us into believing all of the wrong things about happiness.
And, in fact, those beliefs are not only failing to make us happy, but they're actually leading us towards greater misery and suffering in our lives.
Well, that's not good.
I mean, here we are trying to make ourselves happy.
And if you are right, then we're making ourselves miserable in the process.
So explain how that works.
We have been conditioned into these three core beliefs.
That one we need to be perfect because there's something wrong with us and we have to prove that we're good enough.
And we can do that through what we achieve by doing more and more and more, and that we have to do everything by ourselves.
And these three beliefs come together into something that I call old happy, which is our societal definition of happiness.
And all three of these beliefs actually end up contributing to outcomes like mental illness loneliness, disconnection from our relationships and our communities, a lack of a sense of purpose essentially everything that we don't want in our lives.
And so what is happiness then to you?
Define it for me.
To me.
After doing all of this research and scouring through everything that I could ever get my hands on written about happiness, I've come to believe that it has two components.
True happiness comes from being who you really are and then using yourself to help other people.
And it's the integration of both your unique gifts and strengths, and then how you offer it up to others, that ultimately contributes to a lasting sense of well-being.
And not doing those things is what makes you unhappy.
Yes.
Or pursuing things like potentially trying to change who you are or denying who you are, ignoring the gifts that you have that are important and meaningful to you, or becoming obsessed with external achievement and extrinsic goals, or thinking that you should separate yourself from other people and be totally independent in the world.
If that's all true, why do people seem to go the other way?
You would think that we would naturally be inclined to do what you're suggesting, because that would lead to being happier.
Yeah, that's a really good question.
I think it's because happiness is the greatest goal of a human being's life, right?
It drives everything that we do and all of the choices that we make.
And so if you have an idea of happiness that's flawed or incorrect, then it's almost like you have punched in the wrong destination into your GPS, right.
And you don't actually know until you get to your destination that you're gonna end up somewhere that you didn't wanna go, but it's persistent and it's pervasive.
We continually are driven towards these old, happy beliefs simply because they're so ingrained within us.
From the time that we were born, We were conditioned into this set of ideas about what we need to do in order to be happy.
And so part of the problem is that we haven't been able to name this issue.
We haven't been able to isolate it and point it out and say hey, that's something that's affecting us.
It doesn't mean that it's true and it doesn't mean that it's me.
I can take a step back and move away from that experience and decide is this actually working for me or might there be a better way to do this?
So do you think when you feel happy, when you are happy, what is that?
Is it a feeling?
Is it a thought?
What is it?
I think that you can think about happiness in a number of different ways.
The first is the feeling, right?
That sense of Perhaps it's like a warm glow that you have.
That signifies contentment, or the joy and brightness that comes with achieving something meaningful in your life or spending time with your loved ones or families.
There's all these different feelings that fall under the sense of happiness that we can have.
But then, more broadly, it's also an evaluation of your life, how you believe that your life is going, and what you would say to somebody if they asked you.
Would you do these things all over again?
Do you feel satisfied with the way that your life has gone and where you're going in the future?
So it has both an emotional and a cognitive element to it.
But nobody, I don't think, feels that their life has gone 100% perfectly.
It just doesn't work.
Life throws things at you that make you unhappy, that are unhappy, that make you go in a direction that you had no intention of going in, because that's what life has dished up.
Absolutely.
And I think that really happy people are those who learn how to navigate those challenges because, as you said, they are inevitable, and they learn not only how to get through them, but even to turn them into experiences that might provide them with meaning and purpose or help them to develop their empathy and compassion.
So they find a way to take those difficult raw ingredients of life and turn them into something else.
This idea of happiness comes as the result of something else.
You'll be happy when you get married, when you get that job, when you have so much money in the bank.
That seems to be those things that it never seems to work out that way.
No, it doesn't, does it?
I think once you've experienced that a few times and you have a couple of those big life events that you thought would make you happy under your belt, you can start to look around and go yeah, this doesn't seem to be a good strategy.
And I think that the idea that I'll be happy when is really the source of so much misery, because not only does it lead us to do things that make us miserable in the moment, thinking they'll bring us happiness in the future, but it also distracts us from all of the goodness that we already have in our lives and all of the beauty and the joy that's available right here.
And we're so distracted by thinking about the future that we fail to attend to it, which is a profound source of happiness that exists, that's right in front of us.
So help me understand the difference or how they intersect happiness and pleasure and joy.
Because pleasure is not happiness, but pleasure seems to be somehow tied to it.
And same thing for joy.
Happiness, pleasure and joy are.
I would call them related but, as you're saying, they do have important differences.
And so pleasure is most often described as hedonistic in nature.
It's the satisfaction of one of your needs or your wants.
And so you could find deep pleasure from, let's say, a glass of water on a really hot day.
That could give you a feeling of pleasure, but that's not gonna make you lastingly happy.
And then there's joy.
My favorite understanding of joy comes from the scientific research, and it argues that joy is the result of connection, of being connected to others, to oneself or even to something transcendent, like your relationship with a God or with a spiritual presence.
And that sense of connection provides us with a deeper experience of wellbeing.
But again, it's more of, um, emotion.
So it has a rise and a fall and fades away.
So it will last for longer than pleasure, but not as long as happiness, which is much more of.
In my belief, it's much more of this sense of contentment that lasts, that pervades your life, that allows you to live a happy life amidst those ups and downs, that we're talking about, the experiences of both joy and pleasure, but also of grief or sadness, or anger and all of the other emotions that we experience.
Don't you think, though and isn't there research that you can talk about that it really depends in part on your ability to handle those down moments?
Some people can handle them and, you know, it's water off a duck's back.
Or maybe it's not that easy, but still it's not so.
Whereas other people just take it and absorb it and it's really hard to overcome it.
Whereas other people just, you know, life's ups and downs.
Well, for some people, those downs really take a toll.
Yeah, they do.
And those people, I think, just were never taught the skills that they needed to process it.
And I think one of the most common ways that we actually make this worse for ourselves is when we experience a painful emotion like sadness or grief, we beat ourselves up for it.
We tell ourselves that we're bad or there's something wrong with us for experiencing that emotion.
And ultimately, all that does is makes it even harder to bounce back for it.
So what I often counsel is to practice self-compassion and treat yourself with kindness when you are experiencing those difficult moments.
It's not weak.
It's not letting yourself off the hook.
It's not wallowing in your pain.
It's actually what helps you to transcend it and to move on.
But because we've been told that you just need to kind of practice a stiff upper lip and pretend that nothing affects you.
A lot of people silently suffer.
And, as you're describing, they further absorb those emotions and they ultimately end up really weighing them down.
Because it seems that there's plenty of happiness to be had if you know how to find it.
But there are a lot of people that they don't know where that path is.
And so they take the hard knocks of life and use that to define their happiness, which is not much.
You know, I'm sure you know this, but the brain has a negativity bias, right?
So we're always inclined to focus on the things that are going wrong.
And that's a part of our biology.
And, as you're saying, we have to What it means to shift our attention away from, you know, the achy back or the difficult meeting you had with your boss, or the worry about a certain thing on the horizon, and instead learn to focus our attention on something else that's more generative for our well-being.
Talk about, because we've all heard this idea that happiness can come from.
There's something in human beings that when you do something for other people, when you help other people, that brings you probably more happiness than the person you're helping often.
And I don't think a lot of people get that or know exactly, like, what is that?
How does that work?
I think that this is the secret to happiness really is if you want to be happy, help other people to be happy.
And it works because we're not disconnected from one another as we're talking about.
You know you're connected to other people in ways that you can't even observe.
And when you contribute to another person, you get these powerful benefits unfolding within you and around you from even, you know, something, That's known as the helper's high, which is the release of hormones and endorphins when you help other people. all the way through to the sense of fulfillment and purpose that you get to a better relationship and a better connection with that person to increasing your self-esteem and your sense of well-being.
The benefits, as you're saying, are absolutely huge.
And unfortunately, we're missing them.
We're neglecting them because we're so distracted by our society's understanding of happiness that we're Actually ignoring the opportunity for well-being that's right in front of us.
By reaching out to help another person in whatever way you can, no matter how small it is, you still will benefit.
And hopefully so will they.
Yes, exactly.
And so together, that action ends up making the world a happier place.
You're not just...
You're not just focusing on your own happiness anymore.
You're actually helping to make other people happy.
And that adds up to create a world of greater well-being.
We're talking about happiness, the new happiness.
And my guest is Stephanie Harrison.
She's author of the book, New Happy, Getting Happiness Right in a World That's Got It Wrong.
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Ah, the Regency era.
You might know it as the time when Bridgerton takes place or as the time when Jane Austen wrote her books.
The Regency era was also an explosive time of social change, sex scandals and maybe the worst king in British history.
Vulgar History's new season is all about the Regency era, the balls, the gowns, and all the scandal.
Listen to Vulgar History, Regency era, wherever you get podcasts.
So Stephanie, I love this conversation because I'm one of those people who learned a long time ago that there is so much joy in helping other people.
And I can just tell you a quick story because this just happened very recently.
There's a woman at my gym.
I don't know her well, but she's struggling financially.
She's a single mom.
She has a teenage son who's in a wheelchair.
I mean, she's been dealt a pretty lousy hand.
But we speak at the gym sometimes.
We have a mutual acquaintance.
And I know that going to the gym is her refuge.
It allows her to get away from the trouble in her life to go to the gym.
But she didn't have the money to continue her membership and she was going to have to stop coming.
So I just paid it.
I paid her membership for the next year.
And it wasn't a lot of money and it made her happy.
And that made me feel so great for helping.
And I'm not looking for a pat on the back or anything personally.
But I find it interesting that I know there were many other people in the gym who were aware of the situation, but nobody else jumped on this.
Nobody else volunteered to pitch in, and that's fine.
And maybe it's because it's hard to know how to insert yourself into a situation like that if you're not involved.
But it helped her out, and it made me feel great.
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing.
What a beautiful story.
I have goosebumps listening to it.
And I think you're pointing out something that's so important, which is that there are opportunities to help people that are all around us, but we have to one, notice them and then two, take advantage of them right.
And what you're describing is people who noticed it but didn't hop on it the way that you did, to actually jump in and help in a way that they were likely equipped to do, even if it was just to contribute a small portion of the gym membership for that woman, which I can only imagine how much that meant to her and how grateful she is to have that space for herself and for her own well-being.
And I think that too often we think of helping as this nice to have thing that we'll do when we're successful or when we have enough money, whatever that looks like, or when we figured our own lives out.
But- there is no point in time where we are going to have our lives all figured out, or we're going to have enough and feel like we have everything that we need, or have this sense that our lives are complete, and then we can help.
That's never going to happen.
We're always going to have this experience of being a work in progress and needing to try for more and grow, and all of that.
So The only solution is to help now, help anyways.
Don't wait to help other people.
And it's really admirable that you were somebody who jumped in to do that.
Well, you know that the phrase I hate is the phrase, well, you can't save the world.
Yeah.
Yes, you can.
I mean, you may not save the whole world, but if everybody?
There was a great quote that supposedly came from Mother Teresa, but I've never found any reference that she ever said this.
But somebody said that she had said this that if we all took care of our own little corner of the world, the world would be a better place.
And you define what your own little corner of the world is.
It's your family, your neighborhood, your school, your church, whatever.
But if everybody did that, the world would be a better place.
And I've just, I thought that was so, even though she's barely never said it.
It's such a beautiful thought because you can define what that means to you and you can save the world.
You may not save everybody today, but if everybody tried to do a little bit, we could save the world, or a good portion of it.
But people use that as like well, since I can't save everybody, screw it.
I'm not going to save anybody.
Exactly.
People give up before they even get started.
And then they miss the chance to actually find the happiness that they want as well, right?
It's this terrible situation that we find ourselves in because we've been so misled.
And I adore the sentiment behind that quote.
And I couldn't agree more with it.
Everybody has a corner of the world.
And all of us have not only the opportunity, but also...
I would argue the responsibility to nurture and to care for our corners and to do what we can.
And the benefit is your happiness, your wellbeing.
And isn't that what you want the most?
So my hope is that, through this new understanding, people will come together to help one another in ways that might not have been visible or possible for them in the past.
Right.
And because the benefit to you is so great that it's not a big sacrifice, which I guess that's how people often look at it.
But there's a huge benefit that you know whether it's the helper's high or whatever it is, but it feels good to help people.
I mean, everybody knows that.
But especially when it comes to money, people are very like, well, no, we can't really do that.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I think you're completely right.
And you know, sometimes I think that people think oh, like you know, helping is it's sweet, it's nice, but it's not the be all end all of my happiness.
You know, if I can just get more for myself or achieve more or strive to perfect myself, then I'll experience the real type of happiness, right?
Like there's this other, more powerful, more pervasive experience of happiness out there once you get to a certain place.
And I think what I would want to say to those people is there isn't.
That doesn't exist.
The happiness that's possible for you when you help others, and especially when you help others in the ways that you're uniquely positioned to do.
That is the purest, greatest form of happiness there is.
There isn't anything else out there.
So take advantage of what's possible right here and now, because there are, as you've so beautifully described, opportunities to help people all around you.
We sort of talked about this when we were talking about the whole concept of I'll be happy when that something else has to happen first, and then I'll be happy.
And I think that too, that there are people who believe that happiness is the result of sacrifice, that first you have to do something noble, or that happiness can only come from sacrifice.
You do not have to punish yourself and you can't hurt yourself into a state of greater happiness.
So many people believe that you know they have to punish themselves for being who they are, or for not doing enough or for struggling with something.
And it couldn't be further from the truth.
If you want to experience greater happiness in your life, you're going to have much better luck if you treat yourself with love and actually love yourself into more happiness.
Well, I'm sure you've noticed, there are a lot of books and podcasts and people's influencers who talk about happiness.
So I'm wondering, are we getting happier overall?
Is it all working?
The World Happiness Report came out, which is a study of all of the countries in the world, led by a number of scholars to look at the happiest countries and the factors that contribute to it.
And for the first time, the U.S. has dropped out of the top 20.
And that's the first time that's ever happened in the history of the report.
And I think it speaks to the growing sense of unhappiness and dissatisfaction that so many people feel and the desire that they have to learn more is not potentially being satisfied by the tools and information that we have available right now.
Well, I like your new happy philosophy because it gives people something really concrete to follow to achieve happiness, as opposed to you know, cheer up and be happy.
I've been talking to Stephanie Harrison.
She's creator of the New Happy Philosophy.
And I encourage you to check out her website, which there is a link to that website in the show notes.
And the name of her book is New Happy, Getting Happiness Right in a World That's Got It Wrong.
And there's a link to the book at Amazon in the show notes.
I appreciate you coming on and talking about this, Stephanie.
It was fun.
Thank you so much, Michael.
It was so lovely to talk to you.
