Setbacks seem to be everywhere right now.
Losing a job, losing someone you care about, or just getting knocked down by everyday life.
And yet some people bounce back quickly, while others struggle to recover.
So what's the difference?
Resilience.
Resilience isn't just something you're born with.
It's a skill.
And if that's true, it means you can actually get better at handling stress, adapting to change and coming back stronger.
That's why today's SYSK trending topic is how to become more resilient.
Joining me is communication expert and author, Akash Kariya, who has spent years studying what highly resilient people do differently.
He shares simple, practical strategies you can start using right away.
So, how do you become more resilient?
We'll find out right after this.
Have you ever wished you were more resilient, that you could bounce back from those tougher events in life and not let them beat you down?
I think a lot of us wish we were a little tougher that way.
And as it turns out, you can be, according to Akash Kariya.
Akash has really studied this.
He is a keynote speaker and writer, and one of the books he's written is called Seven Things.
Resilient People Do Differently.
Hi, Akash.
Welcome.
Thanks, Mike.
Great to be on here.
So what is resilience?
How do you define it?
How do you look at it?
What is it to you?
So resilience to me is about your ability to bounce back, but to bounce back stronger than you were before.
So it's not just about getting back to where you were prior to the adversity.
It is more about how do you use the adversity that you encounter in your life and then come back a better person as a result of it.
How do you become more resourceful?
How do you become more mentally physically, emotionally stronger as a result of whatever challenge you went through?
So that to me is resilience, bouncing back stronger than you were.
And where do you think it comes from?
It does seem to me anyway, that there are some people who just seem to have more of that water off a duck's back.
Nothing bothers them, whereas other people just get so sunk in problems that they can't shake it off.
Where do you think it comes from?
There are some people who are naturally more resilient than others, who sort of have the attitudes that allow them to bounce back quicker.
They have that perseverance, they have that grit, as Angela Duckworth calls it.
But what the research is showing us nowadays is that it's almost like a muscle that you can train.
So everyone has different densities of muscle, different sizes of muscles.
But if you go to the gym and you put in the work and you train it, that muscle grows, becomes stronger, becomes bigger.
Similarly, resilience to me is a muscle.
You're born with it, but then you can also train it.
You can develop it.
That then makes you able to deal with life's adversities in a much more capable manner.
So to me, it's something that can absolutely be trained.
But I think people think that in order to become more resilient, you have to toughen up, that you have to get beat up a lot and that the more you get beat up, the less each punch hurts, because you're getting beat up a lot and I'd really rather not get beaten up a lot.
I don't think anyone wants to get beaten up.
And I don't think that is the goal of resilience.
And no one goes out thinking, I'm going to get beaten up so that I can become more resilient.
But what we try and do in order to build our resilience is take on micro challenges.
So imagine for a second that you have a circle of comfort all around you.
So imagine the circle of comfort.
Those are the things that you are able to do naturally.
Those are within your talents.
Those are within your comfort zones.
In order to become more resilient.
What we want to do is to take on tasks or take on adversity.
That is just a little past that circle of comfort.
So you're not pushing yourself so far that you're killing yourself, but you're going a step further that just stretches your comfort zones and allows you to build that muscle.
Again, it's like going to the gym.
When you go to the gym.
If you're able to generally lift seven kilos for 10 reps this time around you might try seven and a half kilos that micro challenge for 10 reps.
So a little bit of extra weight, an extra repetition is how you build the resilience muscle without killing yourself.
Okay, so that makes sense.
You take little steps outside your comfort zone.
That way, if you fail, you don't get beaten up so bad.
But even still, those little disappointments can still take a toll on you.
So how do you keep trying and failing and keep going?
There are several habits that allow someone to be more resilient.
There's certain emotional habits that you can tap into in order to be more resilient.
There's certain physical habits that you can tap into.
And there's certain mental habits that you can tap into.
So we'll start with a physical habit as an example.
So I learned this from Tony Robbins.
And one of the things that he talks about is that your emotions come from motion.
Emotion comes from motion.
What does that mean?
It means that the way that you move your body determines how you feel.
So Mike, if you'll play along with me for a second, I want you to go ahead and sit the way that you were sitting if you're feeling sad or depressed.
How would you sit right now?
Just take on that posture for a second.
And everyone else who's listening, just try and go ahead and do that right now.
All right.
So, Mike, are your shoulders back or are they slumped?
Oh, they're slumped.
Yeah, they're slumped.
Is your chest collapsed or is it up straight and back?
Collapsed.
How are you breathing?
Are you breathing deep from your belly?
Or is it more shallow breathing?
Very shallow.
And so there's a whole physiology around, when we become sad, when we become depressed, that leads us to feel that way.
So our emotions are not something that just come out of nowhere.
Our emotions are something that we create. through our physiology and through our focus.
Now, if you wanted to change how you feel, one really cool tactic is just change the way that you move your body.
Stand up straight, hold your shoulders back, breathe deep from your belly, flood your body with oxygen, flood your bloodstream with oxygen, and that creates a chain reaction that makes you feel better.
This is one of the reasons that people love physical exercise.
Research has found that when people are depressed, Physical exercise can help people feel significantly better, as much as if they were taking a pill.
Physical exercise is equivalent in some cases in terms of the improvement and mood as taking a pill.
That's because once you change your body, it changes how you feel.
So that's one of the habits in order to become more resilient.
When you're feeling in a certain state, ask yourself what emotion am I creating through how I'm moving my body?
How am I standing?
How am I sitting?
How am I breathing?
And becoming aware of your physiology is one of the best things that you can do in order to manipulate your emotions and your resilience to be where you want to be.
Well, it's interesting because I think most people think I think have always thought that when you sit that way, when your shoulders are hunched, your chest is collapsed and you're kind of drooping, that that's the result of feeling sad.
It's not the cause of feeling sad.
And what you're saying is that...
It sort of is that if you change that, it will bring you up.
So think about a time when you had a great workout.
Maybe you love running.
Maybe you love yoga.
Maybe you love lifting weights or maybe you love hiking, whatever it is.
Imagine the mood that you were in before you engaged in the activity.
And then now imagine going and putting yourself through this strenuous workout where you're actually using energy to perform that workout.
How do you feel at the end?
You've used energy and yet you feel more energetic.
Why is that?
It's because you've moved your body in a certain way that changes your emotions.
So yes, your emotions do cause your physiology to be in a certain way, but it also works the other way around.
When you change your physiology, your emotions then change naturally, because your physiology has changed.
So I'd say that that's one of the coolest links that you can use the link between physiology and your emotions.
It also seems, just from my experience, that so if I do a workout and I'm like really exhausted, I can think oh my God, I'm just.
I'm so beat up, I'm so exhausted.
Or I can change my thinking that, oh my God, this feels great.
And just that small change in the way I'm thinking about what I just did helps absolutely.
And so now we go on into the mental habits.
There are certain mental habits that can make you more resilient and that can make you happier.
So one of those mental habits is what are you focusing on?
Where is your energy flowing in terms of what you're thinking about?
Are you focusing on the things that are within your control or are you focusing on the things that are outside your control?
In psychology, they call this locus of control.
That is, do you believe that your circumstances are the result of what you can do?
Do you feel that you have the power to change them or do you feel that stuff around you, your life?
And research shows us that people who have an internal locus of control, that is, they focus on the things that they can control in their life and they feel that they have the ability to change their environment and their surroundings through the actions that they take, are happier, are more satisfied and are more successful.
And so one really cool shift is to think of when you're feeling in an unempowered state.
When you're feeling in a disempowered state.
Ask yourself, where is my focus right now?
Am I focusing on external activities that is not within my control?
And if so, how can I change that focus to the stuff that I can control?
What can I do in this given situation to make my life a little bit better?
And again, that is easier said than done.
But once you make that shift in terms of your focus, you'll find that you get a completely new answer, because your focus has shifted.
Your focus has shifted to something that you can control and therefore that gives you a completely new response.
And everybody here who hears you say that Knows exactly what you mean, because we've all had times where we I don't know we just bump into it or it accidentally happens, but we have that mental focus and everything you know.
The world opens up.
And then there are times when your focus is, as you say, on external things.
You have nothing to control, you can't control, and
And it's so debilitating.
And can I give you a good example of this?
Yeah.
Just from my life.
When COVID hit, my business is that of a speaker.
So I traveled around the world speaking on resilience, on well-being and on habits at conferences around the world.
So when COVID hit, That dramatically impacted my business because suddenly all the conferences were shut down.
That meant that my source of income, my source of livelihood was completely gone.
And so there were some days where I just lay in bed, thinking about the state of the world and feeling sad and unhappy about this event that I was unable to control.
There's nothing I can do about COVID except for feel sad and bad about it.
And then I changed my focus to, look, what can I do about this?
How can I transition and pivot my business and emerge stronger as a result of this pandemic that is happening?
And so I decided that I was going to start out doing virtual programs.
I was going to use the time to improve my foundations, my website, my branding and all the things that go into my business.
And once I did that, once I set up these virtual programs, I learned how to do them.
I learned to set up the tech.
This year has ended up being one of the most productive years of my life, simply because I changed my focus to feeling sad about something that I can't control, to thinking what can I do from this and how can I get better as a result of whatever is happening around me.
We're talking about how to be more resilient, and my guest is Akash Kariya.
He is author of the book, Seven Things Resilient People Do Differently.
So Akash, in that example you just gave, when COVID hit and it affected your business, you said the first thing you did was lie in bed and feel sad.
And I'm wondering, do you think that's a necessary step?
Do you have to give when things go wrong?
Do you have to give yourself permission to to feel bad about it first before you can then come back and be resilient?
You know, Mark, that's a great question.
And I think one of the things that we get very wrong about resilience is we feel that resilience is about toughness by itself, that a resilient person, A mentally tough person, is someone that doesn't feel sad, doesn't feel unhappy, doesn't feel these emotions that we generally think of as negative.
And yet, all of these emotions sadness unhappiness anger frustration guilt, whatever that may be all of those emotions are necessary to help you become more resilient, and here's why.
When life doesn't go your way, when expectations don't meet your reality, it is very natural to feel disappointed angry frustrated, whatever emotional home you have, whatever you go to on a general basis, that emotion that you generally tap into when things don't go your way.
Now what is important is not that you ignore it or that you try and avoid it.
What is important is that you accept it and then gradually transition away from it, and i'll do a very quick example for you here.
Mike, i want you right now not not to think of an elephant.
All right, can you do that for me?
No, I cannot.
Why?
Because that instruction in itself do not think of an elephant first has to have your brain think of an elephant, and then there's a subconscious part of your brain that's saying All right, we're not going to think about this object.
And so we're going to keep this object at the forefront of our mind to remember that we don't need to think about it.
So when you try and avoid something, what happens is that ironically, it comes back stronger.
So when you're feeling sadness unhappiness, whatever that emotion is, don't ignore it or don't try and push it down.
Instead, what you want to do is you want to accept it.
You want to learn from it.
You want to recognize that it's an important emotion to have and then tell yourself OK, now that I felt this emotion, how am I going to move into a more empowering state?
What can I focus on that will get me a result that I desire?
So those emotions are necessary.
Accept them, stay with them, But then, as soon as you can, move on to a more empowering emotion, because you don't want to stay in that negative emotion.
What's another habit of resilient people?
I'll give you another mental habit and it's called three three daily things, if I remember correctly.
If you'd like to be happy around your life, there's some research done by the University of Pennsylvania, Martin Seligman Three Good Things that's the name of the exercise.
And this is a mental habit that's proven to make you happier over the long run.
What it is is.
Are there things in your life right now that could make you feel joyous, that could make you feel grateful, that could make you feel happy?
Yes, most of us have these things in our life that we can be grateful for.
And yet, how often do we take the time to actually be grateful for them?
A lot of the time our focus is on the things that we don't have.
A lot of the time our focus is on complaining or moaning about things that we don't currently have.
And so, as a result of that, we end up living in this state, where you're constantly unhappy because you're focusing on the things that you don't have.
Martin Seligman's three good things exercise is this.
Every single night, grab a piece of paper and write down the three things that are grateful for.
Feel the emotion associated with that.
And these could be big things.
It could be I'm grateful for my wife or my husband.
I'm grateful for the health of my father.
I am grateful for the fact that I have a roof over my head.
Or they could be very small things.
It could be.
I'm grateful for the fact that when I handed in my report at work, my colleague said well done right.
So think about all the things that could potentially be sources of gratefulness in your life.
And then every single night, write those down.
There's a really cool app that you can use.
I think it's called Three Good Things or I think that's one, three good things.
If you download that, it makes building the habit of being grateful much easier.
And the research by Martin Seligman shows that people who do this activity over the long run are actually happier, more satisfied and in more empowered states, just because of taking the time to do this 30-second exercise every single night.
And isn't that the easiest thing in the world?
And yet I think, as people listen to you yeah, what we think about are the things we don't have, where we aren't able to go, what we aren't able to do, what we wish we could do, rather than what we do have.
And most of us have some pretty good things in our lives.
I talk a lot about building habits and it's very hard to make a behavior change.
It's very hard to take on new habits, new routines.
So I want to give you probably my single favorite strategy for building new habits and for becoming more resilient.
This is it.
I'll start off by telling you the study around this.
So this study was conducted on a group of women who wanted to lose weight.
In this study, these women who wanted to lose weight were split into three subgroups.
The first group was called the control group.
These women were told, you said you want to lose weight.
You said that you want to exercise.
Great.
Go out, exercise, and then just report to us how often you exercised.
So that was the control group.
There were no specific instructions given to them, except for just let us know how often you exercise.
There's a second group that's a motivation group.
Now this group was given some readings that talked about the benefits of exercise, about the consequences of not exercising.
So what happens in your life when you do exercise?
What happens if you don't exercise, right?
So there's this push and pull motivation at the same time.
This is the motivation group.
Several months later, the researchers track these two groups to see how often they've been exercising.
What percentage of the control group the group that just went out and exercised on their own and reported back how often they exercised do you think was still working out in the control group right, Mike?
20%.
Close enough, 39%.
Now let's look at the motivation group, right?
These were the people that were given readings on the benefits and the consequences of exercise.
So they felt really motivated about the importance of exercise.
What percentage of this group was still working out several months later?
Again, it was 39%.
39% of the control group was still working out several months later.
39% of the motivation group was still working out several months later.
There was absolutely no difference between the two groups.
And that is because motivation is temporary.
Motivation doesn't last.
Fortunately, there was a third group that I told you about earlier.
This third group was called the if-then group.
Now, what is if-then?
Very simple.
These participants were told to create an if-then implementation plan.
It's one sentence that goes like this.
If it is X, then I will do Y As an example.
If it is Sunday and I've just finished eating lunch, then I'll go for a walk for 30 minutes.
Or if I've just finished brushing my teeth first thing in the morning, then I'll do five pushups.
So if it is X, X being a certain situation in your life, then I'll do Y, Y being the habit that you want, right?
Very simple.
That is the only difference between the control group and the if-then group.
What percentage of the if-then group was still working out several months later, Mike?
91%.
91 of the if-then group was still working out several months later, compared to 39 for the control group and 39 for the motivation group.
If that is one of the most studied phenomenons in psychology there's literally 94 independent papers conducted on 8000 participants.
That shows the significant benefit of using implementation plans.
So how do you use this?
Well, coming back to resilience, coming back to gratitude.
One really cool thing that you can do is, if you want to build your gratitude, habit is right now.
Create an if, then plan.
Go ahead and create an if then plan for your gratitude habit.
If it is 9 pm and I've just put the kids to bed, then I'll grab my journal and write down the three things that I'm grateful for.
So this is how I like to use if-then implementation plans.
If I'm feeling sad, then I'll remind myself to go ahead and change my physiology.
So that's what I would suggest.
My favorite strategy, if-then implementation plans.
Try it out.
There's so much science behind it, and I'd love for you to test it out as well.
Well, as I said at the beginning, I think a lot, if not most, people wish they had more resilience, that they could bounce back better.
And these are some good strategies to use to try to do that.
Akash Kariya has been my guest.
The name of his book is Seven Things Resilient People Do Differently.
And you'll find a link to that book in the show notes.
Thank you, Akash.
Well, thank you, Mike.
I appreciate that.
If you enjoyed this SYSK Trending episode about resilience, it's always appreciated if you would pass it along, share it with someone you know and help us grow our audience.
I'm Mike Carruthers.
Thanks for listening today to Something You Should Know.
