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Hey, it's Marielle.
I finished treatment for cancer a little over a year ago.
Around that time, I was finally feeling well enough to take a trip.
And I went to Arizona for a few days to be in nature, see some cactuses.
My friend Zoe Saunders texted me while I was there.
She knew someone else whose friend had the same kind of cancer that I did.
So Zoe asked me, what advice did I have?
As someone who just finished treatment, what was helpful and what wasn't?
I sent her this voice memo.
Hey, I am sitting in the red rocks of Sedona right now.
It's really beautiful here.
I wanted to answer your question, though.
Yeah, I know I sound kind of dreamy and dazed.
Sedona's a spiritual place.
And a moment before, I'd just been sitting quietly, meditating on life and death.
I had some specific suggestions for Zoe, and also a big picture one.
I found that for me going through it.
I just tried to let people help in the way that came naturally to them and not expect things from people that they didn't naturally offer, if that makes any sense.
Like sometimes we want people to fill a role in our life that they're not like naturally good at, but they're good at other things.
The voice memo went on for a couple minutes, but after I sent it we both realized this was kind of a mini episode of Life Kit.
So let's make that official, yeah?
On this episode of Life Kit, how to help someone who's going through cancer treatment.
About 39 of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives, according to the National Cancer Institute.
So it will probably happen to someone you love and want to show up for.
I learned a lot going through treatment and I'm going to share some of my tips with you, plus advice from other people who've had cancer or supported someone with it.
Because when you love someone with cancer or another serious illness, all you want to do is help, but you might not know how.
This episode is for you.
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You know, some folks are great listeners and they know how to give you that warm cozy, emotional support.
Some folks are great planners, or they're super practical.
Some have medical training or connections and they can help you get appointments with the right doctors.
We all have strengths.
I tried to let people use theirs.
So takeaway one for the people supporting someone with cancer think about what you're good at and what you, in particular, might offer your person at this moment.
If you're not sure where to start, consider some of the things this person might need help with.
For instance, you could offer to be a doctor appointment buddy.
I brought someone with me to every appointment in the early days.
I was meeting with lots of doctors getting second and third opinions and I wanted someone there who could take notes, ask follow-up questions and be relatively unemotional about the whole thing.
So I asked some friends who were audio producers.
Zoe came to my first appointment with my surgeon.
I wasn't quite sure what to expect, so I brought a Mary Poppins bag full of every possible emergency supply we could need.
I brought extra masks, like COVID protection masks.
I brought hand sanitizer.
I brought a lot of tissues.
I brought some snacks and I brought some chocolates as a treat to reward her for being brave through this appointment.
We prepared a list of questions ahead of time.
And then when we went into the appointment, she let me take the lead.
But at the very end, when Mariel had finished asking everything, she looked at me and asked anything else.
And I was able to look down at the list and say oh, we wanted to double check about the dosage of that medication.
Or we wanted to ask about potential conflicts between these two different treatments or what side effects we might have to worry about.
So basically, I acted almost as a producer for her medication.
She also typed up her notes and sent them to me later.
And when I sent her medical journal articles comparing different treatment options, she'd read through them and put together some bullet points, takeaways from my situation and questions.
The articles raised.
If you think you're the kind of person who would do well as an appointment buddy, offer your services.
You might be especially well-suited if you do have a medical background.
Rich Coker's wife, Maya, was diagnosed with cancer in 2024.
A couple of doctor friends went with her to the early appointments as sort of patient advocates, asking the questions we wouldn't know to ask in our shock at the news and the newness to these systems.
You could also go with your person to their scans or surgeries or radiation or chemo appointments.
These will be a bit different from a standard doctor's appointment, because they're less about asking questions and taking notes and more about providing emotional and physical support and advocating for them as needed.
Everybody's experience is different, but when I did chemo, I was there for seven hours.
I used something called a cold cap to preserve my hair follicles, and it was absolutely freezing and heavy.
It felt like having a frozen bowling ball strapped to my head.
I was in pain and I was cold, so it was important to have someone there who was comfortable touching me and cuddling up with me to warm me up, and who wasn't afraid to talk to a nurse and be a little pushy if I wasn't getting the medication I needed.
I also wanted someone who could make me laugh and who wouldn't be uncomfortable when I started praying the rosary.
So I had four infusions, and I brought my mom, my dad, my godmother, and my cousin.
Indira White was diagnosed with breast cancer in June 2023.
Her friend Kathy came to her infusions.
She says she could talk to Kathy for hours, but also during chemo.
Sometimes you don't feel like talking.
Like a lot of the times, you know, I slept or I just was so tired that I couldn't even do that.
So maybe somebody who's comfortable with just being, you know, just being there.
So these are some of the qualities you might want to have if you're going to chemo or other procedures with someone.
Another bit of help you could offer is to be with this person during their low moments after surgeries or infusions.
When those side effects start to hit and it's ugly, there's a certain kind of person who can handle that and be okay with that.
For this, you kind of have to have a strong stomach.
You might see blood or burns.
You might see the person just completely wiped out.
I did chemo on Fridays, and the Mondays after were always the hardest for me.
I had a friend who would come by and bring me lentil soup because I was craving it and it's creamy, which often feels good after chemo, when you develop mouth sores and lose your sense of taste.
She brought me little presents, like a headscarf with pasta shapes on it.
And as I lay on the couch, she sat on the floor and held my hand.
Ask yourself, are you able to be that friend?
It's okay if the answer is no.
We've got other ideas for you too.
Are you good at organizing and planning?
Rich says, when his wife Maya got sick, their friend created a WhatsApp group and a calendar where people could sign up to take our kids to their activities or go with my wife to appointments and chemotherapy treatments.
Another friend started a meal train that's been going on and off through a year of chemo and surgeries for Maya.
And people keep signing up.
We even had complaints that people couldn't get on quickly enough to claim a spot.
When we let folks know that drop-offs were great, but staying for dinner, especially with their own kids, was even better, because it gave our kids someone to play with.
People came through with that too.
Other ideas, if you have a car, offer to drive your person to appointments or procedures.
If you don't mind making phone calls, help them make appointments and deal with medical billing offices.
If you live far away, send them a card.
Tell them what you love about them.
It's helpful to have people say you know, I've always admired you for your fill in the blank, your strength, your humor, your whatever.
This is Deborah Jarvis.
She hosts a podcast called The Final Say, conversations with people facing death.
She's also a hospital chaplain in Seattle, and she had breast cancer.
But having someone just give you some honest and authentic compliments, especially when you're getting all of this kind of negative news about your health.
So that was really helpful.
You can also send gift cards for food delivery or have a meal delivered to their house when you know they're home.
And of course, if you live nearby, you can drop the food off.
While you're thinking about what help you can offer, you should also consider who your friend is, what they like, what kind of help they'd be willing to accept, and also the specifics of their situation that they shared with you.
That's takeaway two.
I have one friend who went through cancer treatment, and she's really independent.
She doesn't like having friends buy her things or do things for her.
But she does like to hear about smart hacks and free services and other practical advice.
If you have a friend like this, look for resources they might appreciate.
You know, this group offers free house cleaning services for folks with cancer, or this one offers free haircuts as your hair falls out or grows back again after chemo.
Also, consider the other people who are taking care of your friend day to day.
Their partners, parents, children, and others.
What do you know about them and the kind of support they need?
Rich teaches high school.
And he says his colleagues know him.
They know that he cares deeply about his students.
So they didn't tell him to just take it easy last year when his wife was sick and, you know, do what he could.
Instead, they would regularly stop by and offer to take on what they could to ensure that our students' learning never suffered and our standards could stay high.
They made my photocopies so I could get home earlier.
Covered my homeroom so I could get my own kids to school.
One teacher even took some of my grading home over the weekend so students could have prompt feedback on a Monday when I wouldn't be in.
You also want to listen carefully when the person who has cancer tells you how they're feeling and what feels good to them right now, because that'll give you some ideas.
Sometimes people going through chemo love sour candy because they can taste it despite losing some of their sense of taste in the week or so after an infusion.
Women who have chemo often get severe hot flashes because the chemo puts their body into a chemically-induced menopause.
Zoe heard me talk about that and bought me a set of bamboo sheets that are cool to the touch.
Little handheld fans can be helpful, too.
When Debra had a mastectomy, she didn't realize how sensitive her scar would be.
And plus, I had a port, so ooh, that's sensitive too.
And I had a regular fleece robe, and it felt too scratchy.
As a surprise, her friend gifted her a super soft, furry bathrobe.
Basically, you want to think about this person's lived experience.
What is their body feeling like?
What are they actually about to go through?
And what can you do to prop them up at this time?
After the break, we'll have more tips on how to help someone you love through cancer treatment.
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A lot of the time when a friend is sick, we ask them questions like, what do you need?
Or how can I help?
The thing is, that person is going through a moment of crisis.
They have a million decisions to make about their health.
Which surgeries should I do?
Am I going to do chemo?
Which doctor or hospital do I trust the most?
They may not have the time or mental capacity to think about how you can help them.
So if you want to support someone with cancer, take initiative.
That's takeaway three.
When Indy's friend visited her during treatment, she didn't wait for someone to tell her what chores needed doing.
She just got to work.
We're just hanging out and she'll start folding something or doing the dishes or just tidying something up.
And that was really helpful.
This is one of the biggest gifts you can give to someone who's going through cancer treatment to take on some of their day-to-day mental load.
We talked about food.
Offering to bring over dinner is another great way to do this.
That saves the person a trip to the grocery store and the energy of cooking, but it also saves them having to think through what am I going to eat tonight?
In general, rather than asking, what can I do?
Make a specific offer.
Say, hey, I'm in your neighborhood and I have 30 minutes.
Can I come do a load of laundry for you?
Can I come by and walk the dog?
I'd love to bring you a smoothie.
I have some friends who offer to rub my feet and I'm like, yes, please.
I don't think it's something I would have asked for, but I'm like, yes, I absolutely need that.
Thank you for offering.
And you don't need to be nearby to take initiative.
A lot of people would ask for my address and then just send me a care package.
I did the same when one of my family members was diagnosed with breast cancer.
I sent her a bra that zips in the front, making it easier to put on and take off right after surgery.
And I sent a salve made with calendula and olive oil which I found really soothing for radiation burns.
Another example of someone taking initiative.
Liesl Christensen was diagnosed with breast cancer a few years ago when she was 37.
She had a double mastectomy and decided to go flat after because of the risk of complications with reconstruction.
A week after her surgery, she was at a low point.
I felt like a monster.
Nothing was cheering me up.
I was the most depressed I had been through the entire process.
I didn't want to eat.
I didn't want to sleep.
I didn't want to run or smile or be with anyone.
Everything reminded me of what I had lost.
I questioned my choice and my decision.
I didn't even recognize myself in the mirror.
She had gone to the store and bought me new cute tank tops, pajamas, robes, and beautiful cover-ups.
She did this without asking.
She told me maybe she thought it would be nice for me to start with some new clothes with my new body.
She didn't try to make it better.
She just sat with me in my grief and gave me something for a fresh start.
That was exactly what I needed in that very low moment.
I am so grateful she was able to understand that I needed someone who was comfortable being with me as I grieved, and not waiting for me to ask them for things, but jumping up and making something happen.
One of the things I think is beautiful about that story is that Liesl's friend didn't try to fix everything for her.
She made a simple gesture, but it meant so much.
And that's partly because she showed up and she was present.
That brings me to our final takeaway.
We've talked a lot about what you can do and bring to your friend.
But when you're there, what do you actually talk about?
Takeaway four, remember you're there to support the other person.
Don't impose your feelings and fears on them or think you have to fix everything.
When you love someone and they're in pain, you might feel the impulse to make everything better or offer them the perfect pearl of wisdom.
But Debra says we need to meet people where they are that day.
Your agenda should be I'm going to be with you and be totally present in this moment, to whatever comes up.
When you go through a health crisis like this, your mood and your perspective on the situation is going to shift depending on the day.
Some days you need a cheerleader who's like, come on, you can do this.
And some days that's going to annoy the crap out of you.
Some days you want a friend to give you practical advice, and other days you just want them to listen.
So if you're the person supporting someone with cancer, Debra suggests that you ask a simple question when you talk to them.
I would say something kind of general and innocuous like hey, so where are you with all this today?
And then just wait.
And they may give you an answer.
And then I would say, wait a little more.
And then the real answer might come out.
I just recently, last week, talked to a friend who has stage four lung cancer diagnosed like six weeks ago.
Stage four, like boom.
She's great.
She said, I'm great.
I got so much community support and, you know, this is happening and so-and-so brought me that.
And I could just tell, okay, that's where we're going to be today.
You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good start.
Meanwhile, Deborah says there are some things not to say.
It's really unhelpful.
I can't believe I actually had this happen to talk about people you know who have died of your cancer.
I'm like, holy Jesus God in all the saints, what are you thinking?
And this one woman just went into this... gruesome detail.
I'm like, why are you telling me that?
So don't tell me who has died of this cancer.
Deborah says, it's also not helpful to ask someone a million questions about how they found their cancer or whether they have a family history, when what you're really trying to do is soothe your own fears that you're going to get cancer.
You know, like, did you get a bracket test?
Did you get this?
It's like, that doesn't matter.
What is really going on with you?
And she says it's not helpful to tell people what their experience means and how they're going to feel.
She had somebody say to her Oh well, now you're going to start thinking about death and you're going to know what life really means.
And, you know, this is your spiritual wake up call.
I mean, keep in mind that at that point.
Yeah, I'd been a hospital chaplain for like 30 years.
I'm like, dude, I would so choke you to death, but I can't raise my right arm.
You know, just like, what?
Or telling somebody how they're going to feel.
You know like oh, during this you're going to just feel so grateful for your health care and your nurses and your doctors.
No, you may just be really pissed off about the whole thing.
Remember, you don't have to be the person who makes this all better for someone or who says that one thing that's so wise.
It gives them an entirely new perspective.
Sometimes the best thing you can do is listen.
Ruth Gase is a rabbi and a board-certified chaplain.
She's listened to many stories from cancer patients and their families over the years.
The best advice I can offer is not to offer advice but to be as King Solomon, who asked that God grant him the courage and generosity to be a lev shomea, a hearing heart.
That is, listen with your heart, bring meals and whatever physical comfort is required.
But number one, listen.
Just listening can be scary.
Be forewarned.
You may not find solace, but so be it.
Be that hearing heart.
You will be a blessing.
Okay, it's time for a recap.
Takeaway one for the people supporting someone with cancer think about what you're good at and what you, in particular, might offer them at this moment.
Takeaway two while you're thinking about what help you can offer, also consider who this person is, what they like, what kind of help they'd be willing to accept and the specifics of their situation that they shared with you.
Takeaway three, if you want to support someone with cancer, take initiative.
And takeaway four, remember you're there to support them.
Don't impose your feelings and fears on them or think you have to fix everything.
And that's our show.
By the way, did you know that LifeKit has its own newsletter?
We have so many smart, supportive listeners that send us amazing tips, and they're often featured.
If you want to be a part of that community, subscribe at npr.org slash LifeKit newsletter.
This episode of LifeKit was produced by Claire Marie Schneider.
Our visuals editor is Beck Harlan, and our digital editor is Malika Gribb.
Megan Cain is our senior supervising editor, and Beth Donovan is our executive producer.
Our production team also includes Andy Tegel, Margaret Serino, and Sylvie Douglas.
Engineering support comes from Tiffany Vera Castro.
I'm Mariel Segarra.
Thank you for listening.
