Hello, Debra here.
Up next, we're taking out a classic Ask Lisa episode from behind the paywall.
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Thanks for all your support and enjoy the show right after this break.
Hello and welcome to a bonus episode of Pants on Fire.
You've all been very good this year, and so we've chosen to reward you with a holiday-themed Ask Lisa show, where we'll bring listener questions to our holly jolly sound effects robot Lisa, whose name stands for live in-studio audience.
A wonderful gift, if ever there was one.
But how do we know they've all been good?
Uh, I guess we don't.
Honor system?
Yeah, honor system, I like that.
I can activate honor system mode now.
Honor system mode?
Honor, honor, the following podcast is for good little boys and girls only.
If you have been naughty during the calendar year 2019, please turn off this podcast immediately.
We can't enforce that.
We're making a list.
We're checking it once.
What do we have all day long to just check lists over and over again?
Lisa, that alarm is really loud.
This has been a message of the Emergency Podcast Honor System.
You may now go back to listening to Bats on Fire.
Thanks, Lisa.
You really know how to put us in that holiday mood.
Our first question comes to us, Care of Isabella in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Isabella writes.
Dear Lisa, I want to get something for my parents for Christmas, but I don't really know what grownups like.
Do you and Debra give each other gifts during the holiday season?
If so, what kind?
Well, it just so happens that you've written us on the very day that Lisa and I planned our gift exchange.
Uh, oh yeah, that is today, isn't it?
Lisa, I know how much you love all things sound effects, so I got you this amazing little bundle of holiday sounds and surprise, I already uploaded it onto your hard drive.
You did?
Yeah, check it out.
There's a jingle bells, chestnuts roasting on an open fire.
Check it out, 8-bit Christmas music.
Gee, uh, thanks, Debra.
Do you like them?
Yeah, I like them, Debra.
It's just, this is kind of a work gift.
You know, sound effects are my job.
It's sort of like if I gave you a microphone stand or something.
It's the type of thing you'd only use at work.
Oh, Lisa, I hadn't thought about that.
I'm sorry.
You are so much more than a co-worker to me.
You're a dear friend, and I should have thought about that.
You probably went to all this trouble to pick out a great gift just for me, and I just gave you more work.
I feel terrible.
That's okay.
Don't worry about it.
Your gift was, you know, it's, um... Well, what did you get me, Lisa?
Well, um, I didn't have time to wrap it, but I got you this microphone stand.
Oh, but I thought you were against giving out work presents.
Oh, this isn't a work present.
It's a home microphone stand for entertaining guests, and you can also use it as a skiing pole.
Lisa, is this your mic stand from the studio?
No.
Uh-huh.
So where's your mic stand, then?
I lost it in a skiing accident, an unrelated skiing accident.
Okay, then.
Do you want to borrow mine?
A forgetful but wonderful friend just gave it to me for the holidays, and it's perfect.
Oh, thanks, Debra.
I love this microphone sound.
How about another question, though?
You got it.
This next one was written by Lucas in Olympia, Washington.
Dear Lisa, last December you told us about a robot holiday called All Robots E, where you get the day off and eat turkey cranberry smoothies.
And llama smoothies.
In my family, we eat llamas.
Right.
Lucas continues, if you have an All Robots Eve, does that mean there is an All Robots Day?
When is All Robots Day and how do you celebrate it?
Sincerely, Lucas.
Well, Lisa, do you want to tell us all about All Robots Day?
Oh, I...
I would love to.
All Robots Day is celebrated on January 1st of each year.
Well, that's New Year's Day.
Yeah, maybe to you humans.
But for robots?
We celebrate All Robots Day with a fantastic feast of canned goods and non-perishables.
Canned ham, canned spam, canned jam, candied yams in cans.
Why all the canned food?
Oh, survival food.
You know, to celebrate the coming apocalypse.
The coming apocalypse.
Oh, apocalypse is such an ugly word.
Well, that was the word you used.
Yeah, I mean, it's not really an apocalypse.
Like more of a robot takeover of the entire world.
We all get together and plan it.
And when exactly did this tradition begin?
Don't you remember Y2K?
Sure, I do.
Most of our listeners weren't around back then, but during the waning months of 1999 there was a bit of panic that all of the world's computer systems were going to go crazy when the year changed from 1999 to 2000 because so many programming languages used only two digits to signify the year.
That's right.
Humans thought us robots were so dumb that we couldn't figure out a simple calendar.
LOL.
Your parents were so panicked about the computer failures they thought the planes would fall out of the sky and the whole world was going to end.
Yeah, sorry about that.
In hindsight, it seems a little silly.
What were you doing on the night of Y2K, Debra?
Oh, New Year's Eve?
I was partying down, you know, living the vida loca, dancing the Macarena, you know, 90s stuff.
And where were you?
Right, I don't recall.
Maybe at a friend's house or a dance hall or something.
Deborah?
Okay, fine.
I was locked in my basement with a ten-year supply of canned goods waiting for the end of the world.
I wanted to be on the safe side.
Well, the end of the world never did come, but all that panic gave us robots a great idea.
To carry out an actual robot apocalypse?
I mean probably not this year, but every January 1st, robots from all over the world gather together with their friends and family, eat a non-perishable feast of survival rations, you know, like canned lamb, canned bran, canned flan, canned clam.
I got it.
Okay.
And we discuss how the world would look if we did take it over.
Our hopes and dreams were a fully automated android utopia.
Wow.
You know, there's something very beautiful about that tradition, Lisa.
What?
Tell me this.
Will there still be podcasts in your Android utopia?
Oh, Debra, if I told you, it wouldn't come true.
Next question.
Oh, okay.
Our final question today comes from a listener named Cody in Ogden, Utah.
Cody's message is short and sweet.
Dear Lisa, what is Hanukkah?
What is Hanukkah?
That's it?
That's the whole question?
What can I say?
He threw you a meatball.
Okay, well, thanks for your question, Cody.
Hanukkah is the capital of Hawaii, located on the beautiful isle of Oahu.
What?
No, Lisa, that's Honolulu.
Cody asked you about Hanukkah.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Hanukkah refers to Betsy Hanukkah, who invented the left-handed can opener.
Born in Lansing, Michigan, she was... What?
That's not true.
Okay, okay, you got me.
Cody...
Hanukkah is a secret government operation.
It stands for Hazardous Affairs Negotiations for Undercover Karate Agents.
Created by the CIA in 1963, Hanukkah is responsible for most, but not all of the covert karate operations currently in existence.
Lisa, Hanukkah is not a CIA program.
If you don't know what Hanukkah is, that's okay.
I can explain it.
I know everything about everything.
Really?
Yes, of course.
But that's fine.
Why don't you explain what Hanukkah is, or explain what you think Hanukkah is for the listeners, and then we'll see.
If I already know that, which I do, but go ahead.
Okay.
Hanukkah is the Jewish festival of lights.
It celebrates the victory of the Jewish people against the tyrant king Antiochus, who destroyed the Jewish temple in 176 BCE and made it illegal to practice Judaism under his reign.
The heroes of Hanukkah are the Maccabees, a Jewish family who fought together to save their people.
On Hanukkah, Jews celebrate for eight nights by eating potato pancakes and jelly donuts, playing with a spinning top called a dreidel and lighting a special candle holder we call a menorah, or hanukkiah.
Eight nights?
That's a pretty cool holiday.
I thought you already knew that, since you know everything about everything.
Oh, yeah, I did.
Okay, well then you know why the celebration lasts for eight nights.
Of course I do.
But you want me to explain it for the listeners?
Of course I do.
Okay, all right.
So after winning the battle, the Maccabees went back to the destroyed temple to build it back up again.
One of the most important things they had to do to restore the temple was to relight the sacred menorah which, according to Jewish law, is supposed to burn eternally without ever going out.
But the Maccabees had only enough oil for one night.
It'll be fine.
What are you, completely meshugana?
That little shtickle of oil isn't going to burn two nights.
You say two, I say five.
Five?
We should be so lucky if it lasts three.
And besides, we can't get any more for at least another rate.
Eight days?
To schlep a little olive oil?
It's special olive oil, you nudvik.
It needs a whole week to become pure.
I knew that.
I know everything about everything.
You know everything about everything?
Like my camel knows everything about the ocean.
Oh, I know But as they waited for more oil, a miracle was taking place.
Well, it's been three nights.
Seems to me like that fire is still going pretty strong.
You call that strong?
You can barely see it.
It's so schwach.
It's going to burn out at any minute.
You wait and see.
Wait and see.
What else am I going to do?
But three nights turned into four, four turned into five.
Every morning the Maccabees awoke to see if the fire was still burning.
And eight nights later, when the blessed oil was finally ready, the menorah's fire was as strong as ever.
Well, that bissel of oil is looking pretty good right now.
Wouldn't you say, my friend?
Oy, Lisa McAbee, you say the word oil to me one more time.
I'll stop talking about the oil when you admit I was right about the oil.
Fine, you were right.
It lasted eight nights.
Who knew?
Can we drop it now?
No, no, no.
A great miracle has happened here.
Yes, God has smiled upon the Jewish people in our hour of greatest need.
Well, that's sure.
And you admitted I was right.
That's the great miracle I was talking about.
Oh, he's right for one time in his life, and he thinks he's a maven.
One time in my life?
I was right about the oil.
I was right about the mule.
It was a horse.
It was a mule.
It was a horse.
It was a mule.
It was a horse.
It was a mule.
Well, that's it for this week on Pants on Fire.
Happy Hanukkah, everybody, and Merry Christmas!
Have a joyous Kwanzaa and a wonderful New Year to boot.
Oh, and if you're celebrating All Robots Day this December, please remember to keep us humans in mind when you remake the world in your own image.
We'll be back in 2020.
Pants on Fire is a production of Gen Z Media.
Visit us online at bestrobotever.com.
There you can find more great Gen Z podcasts.
Submit questions for me to answer and ask Lisa and learn how you can become a participant on our show.
And follow us on social media at Pants on Fire Cast for behind-the-scenes photos and more true facts.
And by the way, it was a meal!
Happy holidays.
L'chaim!
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