Hey folks, it's Robin from Dear Headspace.
You know, planning to start a family can be such an exciting time, but it can also bring some unexpected feelings like loneliness and grief.
And honestly, we don't talk about that enough.
That's why I'm really excited to share that Headspace has launched a new collection called Support for Your Fertility Journey.
This is a collection of meditations and roundtable chats featuring our amazing teachers and coaches that open up about their own journeys.
They'll help you navigate those tough moments like waiting for results or dealing with difficult news.
And the best part? It's totally free.
No Headspace subscription is needed.
You can find it anytime in the Headspace app or at headspace .com slash fertility dash support.
We're here for you whenever you need us.
It's Headspace Studio.
Hi folks, it's Rosie.
These last few weeks while we've been enjoying some summer sun, I've been enjoying listening back to some of the teachers and coaches' favorite episodes.
One of my favorite episodes is where Robin and I answer your questions about letting go of wants and desires, but still having the fuel to go after your dreams.
There's also a question about managing conflict in relationships and a question near and dear to my heart about dealing with extreme PMS.
Take a listen, and we're back with a fresh new episode next week.
Woo! Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you could lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
Ooh, it's that time again.
It is time for another episode of Dear Headspace, a podcast where I sit down with one of our fabulous meditation teachers and we answer your questions.
We talk about life and love and everything in between.
I'm Robin Hopkins, and in this episode, I'm gonna be stirring up some trouble with my brilliant pal, Rosie.
Hey Robin, how are you?
I've missed you. I know, me too.
I feel like it's been too long since you've been in the Headspace teacher rotation.
Yeah, it feels like it's been a long while, but it also feels like it hasn't been any while at all.
Well, listen, I've gotta be honest with you.
I'm so excited to be here with you, but in a matter of days, I'm heading to a vacation.
I'm talking sun, I'm talking rum punch, and that's taken up a lot of my Headspace.
By the way, you see what I did there with it.
But what's on the horizon for you that you're looking forward to, Rosie?
I have to say I'm also taking a beach, sun, palm tree trip soon.
Ooh, I have a little bit of a writing deadline, and so I figured the best way for me to finish it is to take a little time, you know?
Okay, Rosie, well, I think we have some amazing questions from our listeners that we are featuring today, and they are good, Rosie, I am telling you.
We have a question about letting go of wants and desires, but still having that fuel to go after your dreams.
We've got questions about managing conflict in romantic relationships and dealing with extreme PMS.
Woo, we're going on a ride here, Rosie.
Let's buckle up. Here's our first question from April.
Hello, I'm April from Savannah, and my question is Headspace teaches us to let go of our wants, and that's how to find peace.
But my wants, my desires, my goals, are what fuel me and make me feel alive and make me feel like I have something to fight for.
And I do not know how to balance these two.
Do you have any advice?
Ooh, this is such a good question, right?
This is one of my biggest struggles in life, so I'm gonna make you go first, Rosie.
Yeah, I don't know that I fully, and here I go, being controversial again.
Oh, I love it. I don't know that I fully agree with the letting go of the wants, necessarily.
I would say, to me, it would make more sense to let go of the expectation, not necessarily the want.
I think for us to let go of the wanting can be unmotivating and can be a little bit disappointing.
I think our desire to, say, accomplish a goal or to have some part of our life, some dream be met, is part of what fuels us.
It's exciting, it creates an interest, it's part of what compels us to move forward every day.
I think where we can get a little bit tripped up is when we have a deep want for a certain result or a certain outcome, and when we don't get it, then we're disappointed, right?
It's the difference between I want to be in a relationship I want to have enough resources to travel whenever I want.
Those kinds of wants and desires, I think, are reasonable, and they're part of just our human existence of what our mind thinks will fulfill us, find fulfillment.
And I don't think there's anything wrong with that, necessarily.
I think if I have an expectation that once I achieve that want, I'm gonna be all of a sudden happy, or it's gonna somehow fulfill me internally, I think that's where the issue comes in, because when that thing does happen and you still don't have that fulfillment, we can get in trouble, right?
We go into the downward spiral of, well, maybe this isn't meant for me, I'm not good enough, or somehow you have a deficit.
And I think this is where the tools of mindfulness really come into play, because we can release the expectation, which I think is one of the most difficult things that we have to do in this lifetime.
I think letting go of expectation is right up there with being less reactive, or it's such a hard feat to get to.
It really is, it really is.
This is, it's so funny because it's like, this is exactly what I think about all the time, because it's like, I've chosen a career path where it's not up to me whether I get to do it in a lot of respects.
It's like, you have to audition, you have to submit your work and hope somebody likes it enough, and you have to do the work ahead of time.
And because of that, I always end up in this place of thinking, well, as soon as I get that milestone, then it'll be good.
And then I get that milestone and then I'm like, oh, no, but I'm gonna get that, I'm gonna get that, then I'll be good.
And then I'll be, and it's like, the reality is I'm never gonna ever have that sense of security in a career in the performing arts industry.
It is not happening.
And you're right, what comes in right behind it are all kinds of feelings of worth, and like, I'm not good enough, or I'm never gonna make it.
And that's a really, it's a really hard place to be in.
But I also agree with what you said, I need goals to be moving towards something, to be, I'm just a very goal -oriented person.
But how to separate, maybe can you speak to that a bit about how to separate being goal -oriented and the expectation, how do we do that?
Yeah, I mean, I'll give you an example.
I talked about this during one of the episodes I recorded for Radio Headspace where I talk about being disappointed, how to deal with rejection.
I'm in the middle of writing my second book and I had a conversation with my agent who spoke to my publisher who said that they weren't interested currently.
But I want to write another book.
I love writing. I have a desire to create something new.
And so if that fuels me, the desire for that want is fueling me, then I can just immerse myself in that.
I can write every day and I can just continue on the path, right?
However, if my expectation is, okay, yeah, I'm gonna get a next book so that I can do another book tour and I can get another advance and just continue that pathway.
My expectation now, I'm disappointed because my expectation was, of course my publisher will want a second book because they wanted a first one.
Why would they want a second one?
Well, this is, as you know, Robin, a very multi -layered industry as is the entertainment industry and it's not that simple.
And so I had to divide the two.
Of course I was disappointed.
Of course I questioned my worth.
Of course I questioned maybe I wasn't a good writer.
Maybe it was a fluke that they gave me a book deal in the first place.
I wonder if they think I sucked, like, you know, all of those things.
And so in order for me to pull out of that negative thought pattern, I had to remind myself of what the desire was, of what the want is.
So ask yourself why you want something.
What is the reason behind why you want something?
And what area of your life is it fulfilling?
What role is this desire taking on your road to fulfillment and to happiness?
Yeah, that's so interesting because it's like that's what I've been trying to work with myself on lately is focusing on the process.
You know, and when I'm not focusing on the process, even when I get the thing I like, it's not fun because I've already gotten it and I'm thinking about the next thing.
Yeah, I 100 % agree.
And April, I would say, keep your wants, examine your expectations, and just keep moving forward.
Yeah, because I think if you're a goal -oriented person, I don't know, can you give that up ever?
I don't, you know, I just...
Well, I mean, I love what you said about how we just move on to the next thing.
Rarely, the people, the archetype that is super goal -oriented, that likes movement, that likes to constantly feel progress, rarely pauses for acknowledgement, self -compassion, and celebration.
I mean, even where you are now, where I am now, where April is now, or where any of us are, anybody listening to this podcast, what are some of the greatest accomplishments that you've achieved, and how often have you stopped to celebrate them?
Oh, that's really powerful, yeah.
Well, good luck, April, and keep us posted.
Keep us posted on everything that's going on for you.
We would love to hear.
Yeah, I'd love to know how that resonated with you or where you are on your journey.
All right, thank you, April.
And let's move on to our second question.
Here we go. Hello, everyone.
My name is Marcella.
I'm originally from Bulgaria, and I'm currently living in Belgium.
I'm reaching out today because I feel like I'm a little bit stuck in our relationship and how to move forward because we've been together for quite a few years now, and we've been through many ups and downs.
I think we've really come a long way as partners, and I do love my boyfriend a lot, and I really appreciate everything he does and how much we've grown together.
However, we do keep on having the same recurrent issue over and over again.
I think we are not as good at conflict management sometimes.
For instance, I would communicate or explain how he said something or did something that made me feel in a certain way, and I don't always think that he is able to validate my feelings.
He thinks that I'm the one that is always creating the problems in the first place when it comes to those things, and I don't really agree with that.
I think it's kind of on both ends, at least in my opinion.
And I have tried to suggest that we go to couple therapy or couple counseling, but he's not really open to that.
So yeah, this is why I'm here today.
All right, that's a big question.
I mean, there's a lot in there about relationships, and I've been with my wife for 20 years.
Those problems don't disappear.
Like the things that are different about who you are, those in some ways just get amplified.
Yeah, exactly. I mean, this is such a multi -layered question, and Marcella, thank you so much for trusting us to try and provide some insight for you, some guidance in some way.
I think the thing that sounds like is adding to the consistency of the conflict is the lack of listening that's happening.
I think as humans, as people, we have this core desire to be seen, heard, and understood.
And especially if we have a romantic or intimate relationship, we feel safe, we feel like we can express ourselves.
And when there's conflict, if there isn't good communication, it can be a huge source of pain, I think.
I've experienced that in almost 20 years of being with my partner.
The biggest issues we've had in the relationship is when I'm not feeling heard, or I'm not feeling like my feelings are being acknowledged properly.
And one of the ways that we have remedied that is to first things first, acknowledge the feelings that our other partners having.
And notice how I'm not saying we're trying to fix the problem or we're trying to fix something because sometimes there's just conflict.
There's two different people, two different personalities, two different upbringings, two different childhoods, two different temperaments.
And it can be very challenging to find the common ground, but I think a great way of finding that neutral space is to acknowledge each other's feelings right away.
And so for Tori and I, one of the big things that I like to say, let's say he's having a reaction to something or we're having a consistent argument about a very specific situation like, why don't you put the dishes in the sink?
It's the sponge in my house, it's the sponge.
Just put it back in the thing.
Just put it back in the candy, that's all I'm saying.
Right, it's got a home.
That's all you need to do, right?
And then it's the back and forth, right?
He said, his reasoning is if I put the dishes in the sink, especially our cups, I knock them over and inevitably they break.
And my thing is they're on the counter, I will knock them over and they will break, okay?
So - And pass. Right.
So both of us are concerned about the same thing, which is great.
There's our common ground.
Neither of us want our cups to break.
So I think when we can acknowledge that we both have a desire to not break something, we can sort of move from there.
Now, one of the things that I like to do whenever I'm in conflict with my partner is say, I can see that you're very upset or I can see that you're bothered by this or I can see that you're having very big feelings about this.
How can I support you?
Oh, that's good. Yeah, because then you're acknowledging your beloved's experience.
And so perhaps for Marcella, one of the ways that she can communicate what's happening, again, I don't know what the conflict is.
She's saying that there's a reoccurring issue going on.
So there's two things to help with the situation that have worked for me.
The first thing is to acknowledge your partner's feelings.
And now I'm not saying, oh, I asked you, now you asked me.
Because then if your partner is not asking you back, it might be an issue, right?
So don't think about that quite yet.
Just think about, okay, I'm in a conflict.
My partner's upset.
This is how I can remedy the situation.
I'm going to acknowledge their feelings and ask how I can be of service.
Okay, once that's done, then I don't really like to have arguments when I'm elevated.
That's my own personal thing because I get extremely elevated and very emotional.
And I oftentimes am not very mindful of my words.
And just because you're loud doesn't mean you're right.
And so I go to loud because that's my childhood experience.
That's what is familiar to me.
And so I walk away from the situation.
And then the next thing that I do is I love to write, I've talked about this ad nauseum, but I like to write the solution to the conflict in a perfect world.
It's like, okay. Oh, that's good too.
Yeah, we're upset right now.
We're having a discussion.
We're not seeing eye to eye.
In a perfect world, this is what would happen.
Tori would say this, I would say this, and then we would not have an argument about this ever again because we acknowledge each other and so on, right?
So it's almost like you give yourself the physiological and mental experience of resolving said conflict so that you know what that feels like.
Because I think it's so important for us to feel resolution because so often we focus on the non -resolution portion of the conflict and we perpetuate that, right?
That's what the mind wants to go pull into the filing cabinet of, and then last year you did this and we love to do that because we love to perpetuate that, not love it.
We don't love it. I'm not saying that.
It's just the nature of the mind.
The mind will always default to what's familiar.
And if it's familiar for you to be in conflict and to go into the filing cabinet of what also is in alignment with this conflict, like last year, what you did or last week or what you didn't do, it's just perpetuating the elevated state.
So I like to remove myself from the situation.
I like to write a good resolution to the conflict.
And then, you know, I talk to my partner and I ask them, acknowledge their feelings and I ask how I can be of service.
That's fantastic. But I also wanna give a shout out to couples therapy.
Marcella did say that he isn't really that open to it.
So what are your thoughts on that, Rosie?
Is there a way? I mean, you don't wanna strong arm someone into couples.
I feel like for me, ultimatums have never worked, although I've absolutely tried them.
So I think for us, what worked was I started going on my own with regard to the relationship.
And I think him seeing how much it was actually helping our relationship, our intimacy, our ability to articulate our feelings was improving more.
And so I think for us, it was just a matter of finding the right person.
And, you know, I think finding somebody that you resonate with might not be the same as somebody that your partner resonates with.
And so we had to collectively find somebody that he liked and that I also liked, and that's how we were able to do it.
And it was a little bit rough in the beginning because he had never gone to therapy before in his life.
I mean, I've been in therapy since I was 13 years old.
You know, like gonna be 40, right?
But, you know, it's really hard to advocate for therapy when somebody's either not open, never had a good experience and so on.
And so I would say to try something more like maybe doing, watching, you know, a therapist on YouTube or - Or a workbook or - Yeah, some workbook or reading a book together, that was helpful for us as well.
We were reading a book about communication together, even though, again, it was mostly me leading the way.
And it's hard to not get resentful about you being the person that's always trying to make things better, but at the same time, it's like the other person might not have the same issues that you're having, right?
So it's really the onus is always on us to do the work, find the therapist, find the workbook, find the course, find the workshop, and just see how it resonates from there.
Well, Marcella, I hope, if anything, what you heard through all of this is that we are here with you and relationships, they're work, they're work sometimes, but, you know, get the help, have the conversations with your partner and really try to get to what's at the bottom of it, because I think that can help,
love that. Dear, where shall we go for our next holiday?
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Hi, I'm Lale Arakogli, host of Women Who Travel.
This summer, we visit a remote Danish island with strong Viking roots.
So I think it was also a part of the history you told yourself, with strong women here, with strong women, this is the culture of this island.
We've crossed the country with a baseball stadium chaser.
Some games could be a day game, and then you drive to your next location and take in a night game, and then you turn around and try to get to a day game.
And, well, how can it be?
