All right, so we are live.
Hello duncan, nice to see you.
Um, i want to just let you know that you can write in the chat for those joining live and will go through my presentation, and then you can ask your questions during the time that we have, or you can leave your questions until the end, it doesn't matter.
Whatever makes sense, and then we will dive in.
I'm going to share my screen and we will get this party started.
So We are talking today about this concept of oversharing in social interaction and this idea of being too much.
So in social interaction, am I frozen?
Oh, dear.
Okay.
All right.
Duncan, can you see and hear me clearly?
And am I frozen in any way?
Can you just type that in the chat for me before I continue.
If you are at your computer, I see Duncan typing away.
That's helpful, all good okay great great great great great great, okay.
So um, there we go okay.
Like i said, few tabs open, okay.
So we're talking about this idea of being vulnerable, because that is part of what makes our conversation authentic when we are in social interaction.
However, sometimes we end up crossing the line and it gets into oversharing territory.
So we're going to look at what that means and you can think about and audit your own communication and social interaction and see where you fall in this on this spectrum of authentic vulnerable, without oversharing.
And so by the end of our session today, you're going to know exactly how to open up in a way that's going to build closeness, build rapport, without the oh no.
Why did I say that regret afterwards?
And I'm going to give you a very simple but effective trust and timing framework and some ready to use self-disclosure scripts.
And in the community, as you know, we have a whole section in daily practice with scripts that you can essentially use, you can modify, you can, as i love to say, try them on for size and make them your own.
Now i want to ask you a quick question.
You can drop it in the chat.
Have you ever shared something and then immediately wanted to crawl into a hoodie and escape from your current reality or move across the country?
Because this is, this is something that happens to all of us and it's not a personality flaw, it's rather more of a skills issue.
There's a gap in the skill set, which is part of why we are addressing that today.
So if you feel like you've ever over shared and you replayed it over and over and over again in your head before continuing that rumination train, give a thumbs up in the chat or uh, you know one of these like high fives.
One of these high fives, or a thumbs up in the chat.
So Duncan says that he has learned and experienced that the more you say about yourself, the more people respond.
Okay.
We'll talk about that.
And for sure that's something that we can talk more in depth in our live AMA.
But um, this is something that happens and even if you think before you speak, sometimes you're in that mindset of oh i, i feel closest as a person, so i kind of want to share, i want to share, and then maybe that's a little bit more of an overshare than you would like.
So, when we're talking about trust building, which is a very important skill, Being open and this is something that you're addressing right here, Duncan
Being open is something that builds connection.
It builds rapport.
However, flooding people with unprocessed, unfiltered emotion that you haven't really distilled yourself, that can be an issue, because that's not going to help build connection.
It will backfire.
So today we're going to talk about opening up, because that's important for trust building and rapport building, but we're going to do it in a way that you won't regret later.
That is my promise to you.
So okay, the goal is all right.
Well, i don't want to share.
I'm going to share less.
No, i want you to reframe the.
You're too much to.
Maybe you're going a little too deep too fast.
Or maybe you're sharing at peak emotion.
Maybe you're sharing at a 10 when it really should be more like a three or a four.
Okay, we've all been there.
Like i said, whether you're aware of this or not.
Now maybe, looking back on your communication and your social interaction, you might have said hmm, you know, there's a moment where I might have overshared because I didn't get the input that i wanted, or we're not really friends anymore with that person, or that person has put a little bit of distance between us, kind of thing.
Okay, the anchor idea here is that we have to recognize the pace at which relationships grow professional relationships, personal relationships, intimate relationships right, they grow by gradual disclosure.
I want you to think about growing through layers, step by step, climbing a mountain, rather than confession, canon.
Right, you're just gonna go and all of a sudden you are close to this person.
No because, like i said, oftentimes oversharing can backfire, which is the opposite outcome of what we want.
So i want you to think And, for those watching the replay, you can pause right here and reflect on this.
Where do you think you tend to overshare the most?
Is it in networking settings?
Is it with new friends?
Is it in a dating context?
Is it in a family context?
Is it in a work context?
So think about that for a minute.
Where do you tend to overshare?
Because this is step one of our relationship self-relationship, uh analysis.
Right, we're doing intra personal communication here.
We're introspective, we are thinking about our own communication.
So okay, i see a lot of typing in the chat.
Duncan, thank you so much for all of your participatoryness.
Um, let's see yes, they're absolutely so.
He's bringing up some issues with culture, cultural issues, subcultural issues, formality.
With regard to non-verbal communication, like hugging, eye contact, shaking hands, That absolutely adds a separate second layer of complexity, because somebody can misconstrue a nonverbal behavior, a paralinguistic behavior, for something that kind of is similar to oversharing in that same regard of oh.
And that was maybe not forward of them per se, but that was something that I didn't expect them to do or say and that could definitely encroach on this too much territory.
So it's not about sharing less, it's about sharing better.
So vulnerability is about truth.
Choice, context is about truth.
But there's no container for that oversharing and the people don't know what to do with it.
Like you give them this big you know big tray of emotions and they're like what do i do?
What do i do with all this?
What do i make of this?
What role are they putting me in?
And then there's the difference, which is trust, timing and regulation.
So what is vulnerability and what vulnerability is not?
So i want you to think about purposeful disclosure, disclosing with a purpose.
The purpose is whatever you decide it to be.
Is it you want somebody to something, to help you in some way, to make you laugh, to maybe understand your background or history better?
Are you asking for advice support, are you asking for space?
Are you asking for somebody to just lend an ear?
And you're looking for validation and understanding?
So first you have to ask yourself what is it that i'm hoping to get out of this?
Sharing, Okay.
And this is what I mean by purposeful disclosure.
It's got to have a purpose.
If you just word vomit, you know, throw up figuratively metaphorically, that puts people in a very uncomfortable position because even if they want to help, they don't know how to help you because you're not telling them.
And you want to think about, okay, is this honest?
Is it intentional?
Is it proportionate to the relationship?
Have I just met this person?
Are they someone who's super close to me?
Have I known them my entire life?
Is this my spouse?
Is this my best friend?
Is this my sibling?
Is this my relative?
Who is this person?
Did I just meet this person in the elevator this morning, or is it my barista at my favorite coffee shop?
So who is this person?
What is the relationship?
And you want to make the sharing proportionate to the relationship, how well you know this person.
And then make sure you have a clear ask, a clear direction.
Vulnerability is not a trauma.
Resume a resume of you just going down a list and list and list of explaining all of these issues and problems.
It's not a live stream of unprocessed feelings that you haven't dealt with yourself.
You haven't sat with to unpack them and understand them.
And it is not forcing closeness to happen faster, more prematurely than it should.
There's a pacing to all of this.
There's timing.
So this I really want you to think about the next time you try to maybe overshare.
How are you being vulnerable?
Oversharing does not always create closeness.
In fact, it often backfires.
Well, I want you to start thinking about this.
And let's normalize this.
When people pull away from you, it's not because they don't care about you.
It's because they don't know what role you are assigning them, particularly if the level of what you share does not match the type of relationship.
So if you overshare with your absolute best friend in the entire universe, that's probably going to be okay.
If you overshare with your neighbor that you just met, problematic okay and again oversharing in and of itself is what we want to avoid we're thinking really about sharing to be close to build connection to build rapport as opposed to being overly overly so you know overly done crossing boundaries so know this idea of co-rumination where you're both kind of ruminating over something you're commiserating you're rehashing problems you are you know going back and forth that can increase closeness but it can also increase emotional distress So that's something to be aware of.
It's kind of like a seesaw.
So it could be good for bonding at some point, but then it's also risky for regulation.
So instead you kind of want to maybe ground yourself again with that purposeful disclosure and the more appropriate way to share something and really, you know, Have somebody also feel comfortable enough.
You're being vulnerable, and they're being vulnerable.
Like, yes, the empathy and mirror neurons that Duncan so aptly pointed out.
So we want to be vulnerable without oversharing.
So if you've ever felt like you've become a lot to handle, a lot right, you've been too much or a lot, and you feel like that yourself mid conversation, that's usually an issue with the container.
It's a container issue.
It's that the the way that you're expressing this does not fit the way you are delivering it.
It does not fit the container.
It cannot hold all of that emotion.
For whatever reason it could be, the relationship is not developed sufficiently enough.
The person themselves is not in a good place that day either and they're not able to hear what you're saying.
So there's all sorts of reasons your container could be an issue.
Those are a few of them, but that's something to think of.
So it's not that you're too much.
Is that the container is not appropriate?
Just imagine like you have a.
You made a whole pot of chicken noodle soup and you have only a small storage container.
If you try to put the whole pot of chicken soup into that small container, it's going to be too much.
It's not the appropriate container for that chicken noodle soup.
Even though that chicken noodle soup might be, chef's kiss, the best chicken soup you've ever made, still the container is not appropriate.
That's a good analogy.
Now i have my beautiful trust framework.
It's an acronym, because our brains work well with acronyms.
So t-r-u-s-t.
Okay, trust.
So timing is this the right time to share this information?
There's a wonderful term in communication theory and practice called kairos.
It comes from the greek word and it's about typing.
So is this the right time to share this information?
Do the people that i'm sharing this with have the bandwidth?
Are they in a good spot mentally to receive this information or are they, you know, hanging on by a thread themselves?
R is for regulation.
Am I at a three to six or am I at a 10?
If you're at a 10 out of 10, your brain wants relief.
It's not trying to build relationships.
The emotion regulation framework is a well-established concept in psychology.
So if we are at a 10, we need to bring it back down to a three four, five or six.
That means we need to do the inner work first before we can try to seek comfort from elsewhere.
So if that's the case, you're gonna reel it back in.
You're gonna say all right, let me have a little inner conversation here with myself and think about regulating emotional regulation.
And then usefulness.
Usefulness is the magic, my friends, because your intention shapes how it lands.
I'll say that again.
Your intention shapes how it lands.
What does that mean?
It means do you know why you're sharing this information?
Or is it just verbal vomit?
Is it just talk, talking to talk?
Is there a purpose behind this?
If so, then it's okay, and i have three c's here connection, comfort or clarity.
Which one is it stepwise?
So you want to match the depths of what you're saying, of what you're sharing, to the trust ladder, And then you want to make sure that you are practicing turn-taking turn-taking in conversation.
In conversation analysis, turn-taking is one of the most important elements to a great conversation.
So you don't want to go off on this huge monologue, this soliloquy.
You instead want to make sure there's appropriate back and forth, back and forth.
It's reciprocal.
They share.
You share.
They share.
You share.
Like a tennis match.
Ping pong.
Okay.
So I want to share a couple of scripts.
These are very simple scripts, but they give you the idea.
So the pattern is permission, headline, small dose, clear ask.
Permission, headline, small dose, clear ask.
So the turn-taking disclosure tends to land better than just like a one-sided dump, emotional dump, verbal dump.
So you want to go back and forth.
Again, think ping pong, tennis match.
For people who love pickleball, think that.
A back and forth.
The ball is in your court, and then it's in their court.
It's in your court, and then it's in their court.
So you go back and forth.
So let's look a little bit at the scripts here.
So for connection, let's say, can I share something a little personal?
I'd love to feel closer.
Or I feel like I can trust you.
Or I'd love for us to get to know each other better.
Support is, you know, I'm having kind of a rough week.
Do you think you can lend me an ear for five minutes?
Could you just listen for five minutes as my camera flies into the ether?
That's support, right?
I'm having a tough week.
Can you just listen for five minutes?
Advice could be.
I'm stuck on this one problem or this one issue.
Do you have bandwidth for a quick perspective?
And the reason we say quick is because we want to be, we want to be respectful of people's time.
We don't want them to think that they're entering now like a two-hour therapy session for catharsis.
We're respectful.
Five minutes, two minutes.
Do you have a sec?
Do you have a quick perspective you can share with me okay?
So we're looking for the same honesty but a better container.
The same chicken noodle soup but a bigger container, a more appropriate container.
So let's look at the headline versus the full episode recap.
The headline is the appropriate thing to share, just kind of the hot take, right?
The hot take, the headline, bam.
If they want more information, they'll ask for your.
They'll ask for the full episode recap if they want.
If it's your best friend in the entire universe, they might probably want the full recap.
But be respectful out of respect for them.
Start with the headline.
Start with the headline hot take, not the overshare, not the full episode recap.
So the overshare is I'm falling apart.
I can't handle anything.
And here's everything that happened.
Boom, bomb, bam.
Okay, that's too much.
Instead, you'll say, you know, I'm not doing that great today.
Can I just share a hot take with you and then maybe ask for what I might need?
Okay, and you can hedge a little bit to soften the blow if you want.
You can also be direct.
That's really just, it's tied to how you want to express yourself.
Can I share the headline?
Do you mind if I share the headline?
I'd love to share the headline and then ask how you can help.
Again, you have to also think about the trust ladder and where they are in your social circle.
Like, how close to you are they?
Overshare.
You never ever text back, and it reminds me of my abandonment wounds.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
Right?
That's like red alert, red alert.
Instead, you might say, when texts go unanswered, I feel anxious.
Can we agree on what normal response time looks like?
Maybe it's two hours.
Maybe it's two days.
Maybe it's a week.
Maybe it's within the hour.
Maybe as soon as I send a text and you read it, I want an immediate answer.
So you'll talk about that with whomever you are engaging in social interaction with and again how close they are to you.
I want to be really clear.
We as human beings are allowed to have big feelings.
In fact, that's part of what makes us human.
And arguably, you know, truly socially intelligent creatures, because we have such emotional resonance.
However, let's also be clear that handing somebody the whole unedited footage of what you experienced is not something we should do.
It's not respectful.
It's not appropriate.
And frankly, it's going to backfire.
So this is why we take our feelings, we work with them first, and then we share the headline and like i said if somebody feels equipped and like they have capacity to go above and beyond then i promise you they will they will do that they will sit with you and they will go through the whole full episode recap right they will but you have to know you have to know your place right we have to be aware of the dynamics at play and respect what they're going through themselves so let's talk about the regret filter this will take 60 seconds so that you don't have to regret regret regret ruminate ruminate ruminate after the fact instead you take 60 seconds it could even be done over a minute of just pausing silence super powerful and you do these things these four s's before you share something i want you to one state so Am I regulated enough?
What is my state?
What is my mental state right now?
Are you at a 10?
Don't share.
Are you at a 3 or a 6?
Yeah, that's good.
That's a healthy spot to be in because you've worked with your emotions.
You've thought about them.
You've sat with them.
You've done the introspection.
You've done the intrapersonal communication, then you're in a good spot to share two.
What stage are we at?
What is our trust level?
Where on the trust ladder?
What rung on the trust ladder does this relationship live?
Okay, for example, what you share with your awesome barista versus what you share with your spouse will be different, and how you share that will be different.
Okay,
So that's the stage.
What's our trust level?
Then we think about scope, right?
What is the headline version?
What's the full, full, full, full episode recap version?
What's the hot take headline version?
Okay.
The too long don't read.
Too long didn't read.
T-L-D-R.
Whichever way you want to think about it, it's the shorter version.
And then lastly, what are you asking for?
What support are you looking for?
What's the capacity of that?
Is it listening?
Is it hugging?
Is it having advice?
Is it getting some space?
What is it?
No one's going to be able to answer that but you.
So you first really have to think about, again, purposeful disclosure.
Why am I sharing this?
And if you don't have a good reason, don't share it.
Write it down.
Put it in a journal.
Write it in a notebook.
Tell your stuffed animal or your dog.
You know, just get it out there, deal with it in a different way if you have no good reason to share it with somebody.
My friends, you can be both warmed and boundaried at the same time.
It's just a matter of delineating, setting those parameters and understanding ourselves as well as others.
Being real is not just being open and raw and vulnerable with everyone and to the same degree.
Boundaries show respect.
They are a form of respect, both for yourself and for the people that you're engaging with.
So this is why I really emphasize skillful vulnerability, because that is a sign of emotional maturity, and it's not about being less, being less than no, absolutely not.
It's about showing that you respect yourself and you respect others as well as being emotionally mature.
So i want you to have a little bit of an identity shift.
I want you to say i am the type of person who shares with intention.
I am somebody who uses purposeful disclosure to communicate my needs, communicate my desires, and communicate in a respectful manner, and then this is gold, this is the repair, because sometimes There will be a time where you overshare.
Even if you've gone through the list, you've thought about the trust ladder, you've thought about what you hope to get out of sharing, you might just say okay, mid-conversation again this is gold because it's repair.
Oh, boy.
You know what?
I shared more than I meant to.
Can we reset?
What I actually need is blah blah, blah and you say what?
That is okay.
So let's say you feel really comfortable and you're going on and on and your friend is like yeah yeah, don't worry, just okay, you gave me the headline, now you can give me the full episode recap.
But then you look at them and they're starting to zone out.
Maybe they're looking at their watch, they're stepping away, they're looking disengaged or annoyed or just uncomfortable.
When you pick up those cues, you can literally use this wonderful repair line.
Like, okay, let's reset.
Let's take a timeout.
Let's take a timeout.
I think I overstepped here.
This is what I really need.
I just would love some validation right now.
Okay?
Doing that is far better than just keep it.
Just continue to drag on without being receptive to what they're trying to show you through their nonverbal cues.
Okay.
So if you want some more scripts and you'd love examples in these real life situations that we have face to face i'm posting a trust ladder guide.
Uh, it's for self-disclosure in the community.
It will be under frameworks and in the daily practice so, for those of you who want these guides on in to the community, and then i have plug and play scripts too for various social interactions that we have throughout the day, throughout our lives, and then, if you want to take it a step further, you can join us in our live amas, you can join us in our webinars, and you'll have the practice prompts and the feedback, real support and a wonderful group of members who are motivated and dedicated to the things that we do here, and self-improvement and professional development and all of these things.
So we're being real, we're not.
We're not being too much and i want you to recalibrate your mind around too much versus authenticity, All right.
So if we have any questions, I can get to those now.
Feel free to type in the chat.
We can also for sure think more about this concept and then in our live AMA talk about it further.
Maybe you practice some of the framework the timing and trust framework can share with us how it went.
You can also share in the community in the comment section.
You know how how it went, what you did when you tried it on for size and what went well, what you might try differently.
All right, so that was wonderful and I will see you for the next webinar and in our live AMN.
