Hello welcome to a while back to care if you're new here, my name is Ashley and I'm really excited for today's episode I really do gravitate more towards topics where I could just like talk about what I'm thinking what I'm feeling share my own Experiences and help you guys move through whatever it is that you're struggling with occasionally I'll do these very short like motivational videos on tik -tok and the response I get from them really does help me gage what you guys need to hear and and Last week or the week before I did a video on you don't understand how someone could do what they did to
you because you would never do that and I just kind of wanted to expand on that today.
So in today's episode, we're going to be talking about how you should stop expecting you from other people why you don't understand how someone could do what they did to you and just letting people be who they are and not trying to justify their behavior.
I know not everyone does this.
this is probably a people pleasing trait.
But when someone mistreats me, I go looking for what I did wrong.
I think a lot of us think other people's behavior is a reflection of us.
I try to justify the behavior because in my head, I'm like, well, I wouldn't randomly treat someone like that.
I would have to have a reason.
I know I wouldn't randomly cut off my friend.
I wouldn't randomly talk badly about someone that I love.
I wouldn't randomly post something mean about someone on the internet so they must have a reason for why they're acting the way they are.
There's no way that they just woke up one day and decided to dislike me or to end our friendship.
Like, I must have done something wrong.
I think a lot of us have been conditioned to believe when conflict happens in order to resolve it and in order for us to feel comfort we need to apologize and own the situation even when it's not our situation to own.
We need to apologize even when we didn't do anything wrong.
We've been taught that if we want people to like us and if we want our friendships and relationships to continue, anytime things go south, we have to be the ones to fix it and if we don't, there is no resolution.
Being able to accept responsibility is a great trait to have. I think being able to own your mistakes and apologize shows that you're strong and mature and emotionally intelligent.
A lot of people aren't able to do that.
They're not able to own their mistakes.
They're not able to apologize when they've hurt someone.
It takes swallowing your pride to take accountability, but you don't need to apologize when it's not your apology to give.
You don't need to own the problem when you did not cause it.
You don't need to clean up the that you did not make.
When we accept responsibility for other people's wrongs, we step in the way of their consequences and their lesson that they're supposed to learn.
Like let's say that your friend does you so dirty and there's no justifying how they treated you, but you still try to because you want to understand them.
You want to believe that they have a good reason for how they treated you.
You want to believe that they didn't just treat you that way for no reason, that you did deserve it like they wouldn't have done this if you didn't deserve it so you take accountability for that situation and you apologize and you're like yeah I did deserve that you have every right to feel the way that you do and you have every right to treat me the way that you did even though that's not the truth you didn't deserve for them to treat you that way and you did not need to apologize for how they treated you but because you did go and apologize and you owned that situation that you didn't need to,
they will not learn their lesson.
Now they will not have to learn what it's like to lose someone when you treat them so poorly.
People need to deal with the consequences of their behavior to learn that it's not okay.
Otherwise they will go on believing that they're 100 % right and it's okay what they did and they'll go on to do that to someone else just like they did to you.
Just because you wouldn't act the way they did or treat someone the way that they did unprovoked doesn't mean they wouldn't.
You might need a reason to end a friendship or relationship but they don't.
You wouldn't talk badly about someone unless you had a reason to but they would.
Just because you would do the right thing doesn't mean that they would.
You know your heart, you know what you stand for and what you don't.
You know what's fair and what's right you do your best to be kind and loyal and dependable and that's great.
It would be fantastic if everyone functioned that way but the reality is they don't and they won't and you can't expect them to you can't expect the same rational thinking or behavior from everyone.
Not only are some people not willing to do what's right or what's fair they're also incapable of it.
They aren't capable of giving others respect or honesty or doing what's morally right because they don't know how to.
They don't know what that looks like.
It goes back to stepping in the way of other people's consequences.
If they have not learned how to be a good friend or a good partner or a good person because they always get what they want with no consequences, why do you expect them to be that for you?
Why do you expect this person or these people to treat you the way that you treat them.
You can't expect you from others.
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The reason that you're having such a hard time coping with the idea of how this person's treated you is because there is no closure.
It took me a really long time to understand this but sometimes the closure is the disrespect.
No matter how hard you try to excuse this person's behavior or understand their behavior and replay it back in your head and think like, what could I have done wrong?
What could I have said wrong?
You still don't understand it and the reason you don't understand it is because you would never treat that person the way they treated you.
I have struggled in friendships and in relationships also in a way where I ride really hard for that person and it's just not returned and it's not like I'm writing for them because I expect them to feel the way that I do or do everything the way that I do it but it's like well why wouldn't you want to be a loyal friend to me?
Why wouldn't you stand up for me if people were talking badly about me, and what happens is, I go up to bat for them and I burn bridges for them, and then they go and do the total opposite.
I just don't want to ever upset the people in my life and make them think that I'm okay with other people treating them like shit, because I'm never going to tell the people in my life that they can't speak to someone, but I'm not going to sit here and pretend that it wouldn't suck and I wouldn't feel betrayed to see one of my best friends hanging with my ex or hanging out with someone who has hurt me really deeply.
Like, I'm never going to say you can't do that but I would feel some type of way.
When people in your life do things like that to you it hurts because you're so concerned with their feelings, you don't want to hurt their feelings, you don't want them second guessing themselves or second guessing their value, you don't want them questioning your loyalty or your friendship.
So when they go off and well were you even thinking about me?
like were you concerned with how I feel?
I would never sit at a table that you were not welcomed at and I would never sit at a table that you were the topic of discussion in a negative way so why are you so comfortable sitting at a table full of people who are rooting against me?
you cannot fathom the idea of being comfortable around people who openly disrespect someone that you love because you would never do that.
So, you're like, how could they?
How could they be so comfortable being a part of something that they know hurts me directly?
Or like when I see people post storytimes on social media about someone that they were friends with or in a relationship with, and it's clear that the intent of posting that video is to drag that person's character and make people dislike them.
Obviously, it's different if that person's talking about abuse, essay, something harmful.
I think that's much different than just gossiping and posting tea about someone online.
I just can't wrap my head around posting like an exposing piece on someone that was once an important part of your life because you're sitting here being like, this person hurt me so bad and it's like, well, if you actually cared about this person you wouldn't be able to do what you're doing right now.
For me, if you are an important person in my life at one point, and things just didn't work out, no real harm was done, I'm always going to hold space for you just not in the same way that I did.
If the feelings I had for you were real and I cared about you so deeply, that doesn't just go away because our connection does, so I'm never going to want to wish harm on you or inflict harm on you online just because you're not in my life now.
So when I see these people making hit pieces and seven -part series I'm like how could you like how could you sit there and be like this person that I loved so much hurt me so badly and it's like well clearly you didn't love them that much if you can sit here right now knowing the harm that you're causing knowing that you're sending hundreds of thousands of people to bully them knowing that they probably are at home having an anxiety attack because of what you're doing right now.
How are you so okay knowing the distress you're putting this person through?
I just will never understand it, I guess, because I could never do that.
You're trying to reason with how someone could do something that you would never do to them, you're replaying in your head, you're trying to put yourself in their shoes.
You're trying to see it through their lens but you can't because you see the world very differently.
You're looking at what happened with empathy, you're looking at it in a way where you could take accountability.
They cannot do that, That's just not how they function, they're not you.
No matter how hard you try to understand their point of view, you're not going to get it because you see things differently.
When there's conflict, especially with someone that I'm close to, I want to deal with it head on.
Cut the bullshit, cut the excuses, let's just talk about it.
Let's just talk about what happened, how you feel, what you're thinking, let's communicate, let's try to resolve it or at least de -escalate it so we can both move on.
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In my head if there's a problem, the logical thing to is to communicate the problem and try to work through it.
If I had hurt someone, if I did something wrong, I know that I would go out of my way to try to fix the problem and talk to them and see how they feel.
So naturally, I expect the same, but you can't expect you from others.
Unfortunately, not everyone's capable of communication.
Not everyone's capable of having a mature conversation where we work through it and try to come to a resolution And also some people just don't want to.
And that's why I picked up on apologizing because when I want there to be a resolution and I realized that there is none unless I apologize.
I feel forced into the apology.
So many of us have been conditioned to believe the only way to progress that friendship or relationship, the only way for that other person to move on, the only way for things to get better is if we take the fall, if we take the blame, and we apologize because that person doesn't wanna do their part.
But just because someone can't level with you, they can't meet you at a neutral ground and hear you out and try to come to a resolution, doesn't mean that you need to take the hit.
You don't need to apologize for something that you didn't do.
You don't need to make this person feel more comfortable.
You don't need to beg.
You don't need to stretch yourself out so thin for someone that would never and has never done that for you.
I think there comes a point where you realize no matter how much you explain yourself or you try to make someone understand your point of view you can't reason with unreasonable.
You can lay out exactly what you think, how you feel, you could dumb it down to a first grade level but if someone is committed to misunderstanding you they will never get it because they're choosing not to.
The information is right there in front of them and they're choosing to ignore it for their own gain.
It doesn't matter how good of a person you are if someone is committed to painting you in a bad light.
It doesn't matter how hard you try to make someone like you.
If they're committed to disliking you, nothing you do will ever be good enough.
There are so many reasons why people lack accountability.
For example, some people lack accountability because they lack self -awareness, they're literally unaware of how their actions affect other people.
So when someone's upset with them, They're stunned, they can't believe the accusations, they can't believe someone feels the way they do because they literally are unaware of how they're making other people feel.
They genuinely are unaware of the damage that they are causing.
Other times, people lack accountability because there is guilt and shame associated with it.
It's hard to admit when you're wrong.
It's hard to apologize because apologizing means acknowledging that you did something wrong But other times, people lack accountability because they are just assholes.
Instead of apologizing and trying to make things better, they will make things worse and make you the villain.
Taking accountability would shine a light on what they did wrong, which could potentially hurt their image.
So instead of apologizing, they manipulate and try to control the narrative because when people cannot control you, they try to control how other people view you.
And even then, they're still trying to understand why they did what they did.
but the truth is sometimes there is no misunderstandings, there is no miscommunication, there is no layered trauma for why they are the way they are, they're just an asshole.
I get that everyone goes through hardships and all of our experiences shape us into who we are, but sometimes people just suck.
You're trying to reason with them and excuse their behavior because they had a tough upbringing and it's like okay so did you, would you treat them the they're treating you.
No. So stop excusing their behavior.
Stop romanticizing them.
The way they treated you was not cute.
It was not quirky. It's not cutesy that one day they treat you like shit and the next they're kissing your ass.
And I've been there.
I've dated guys who treated me so horribly.
And I still sat there and romanticized them and felt bad for them and treated them like people are treating Joe Goldberg right now.
Acting like he's some troubled soul that needs saving.
No, he's a serial killer babe.
Let go of this idea that you've built of them in your head.
I know you want to see the good in other people.
I know you want to believe that other people have the same heart that you do, but they don't.
Accepting the truth of who they are is going to help you heal and help you move on.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Don't try to rationalize with them.
Don't turn the blame on yourself and don't sit there waiting for them to change their mind or have this epiphany where they're like, oh my god, I screwed up.
I did, you know, hurt you really bad.
I'm so sorry. Don't do that because people who hurt you multiple times aren't making mistakes, they're making choices.
And even if they do come to this realization that they fucked up and that you deserve better and they want to apologize, it is not your responsibility to wait around for that.
It is not your responsibility to waste more time on that person.
I want to end today's episode with a gentle reminder that it is not your job to fix other people.
And it is not your job to understand someone who's morals and values are polar opposite of yours.
It is not your job to match someone's energy.
It is your job to protect yours.
You letting your mind wander and question, like, how can this person do this to me?
Why did they do this?
It's just going to make you feel insane.
You're never going to understand it because you would never do it.
The way that you protect your energy and you heal and you move on is by seeing people for who they are, what they do, and what they want and accepting it, even if it's ugly, even if it's the total opposite of who you thought they were.
Stop expecting you from other people and accept they could never be you, and that's not your problem.
That is where I'm going to end today's episode.
I hope that you loved it if you did make sure to give Try Not to Care a five -star review on Spotify it really helps me out really boosts the podcast and I would appreciate it if you're watching on YouTube make sure to like make sure to subscribe and of course share the podcast if you love it and you want your friends to watch and listen to all my socials are in the show notes the description follow me on Instagram follow me on tik -tok follow me on youtube you know where to find me all right well I love you and I will see you Bye!
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