Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and well-being.
Okay, repeat after me.
Your jealousy is not my problem.
Your insecurities are not my problem.
Your dysfunctions are not my problem.
Well, your dysfunctions probably are my problem too, because you're with me and I've got to deal with them.
So they might be my problem.
How about this?
Your inability to accept me as I am is not my problem.
This is something that I learned from my partners in my life.
My first long-term girlfriend, she knew how to stand up for herself.
She knew how to stand up for me.
She had more courage than I did when it came to something that needed to be addressed, and I didn't want to address it because I was so conflict averse.
And my now wife has that same quality, maybe times two.
In fact, we were just having this conversation today.
She said, I'm usually the one that has to say something.
I'm usually the a whole i'm.
She said the whole word.
I'm usually the jerk, i'm usually the one who has to stand up and say something, or i'm usually the one who does say something and um, she's right.
Sometimes people don't say anything and she's the only one that will say it, and then she looks like the jerk.
But Everyone else was probably thinking about it and they didn't say anything.
That's one thing I admire.
One of many things that I admire about Asha.
She will stand up and she will sometimes scare me.
She will say things that I think, oh boy, we're going to have to get involved in something here.
And I'm going to have to, I don't know, I might have to protect her.
I might have to protect myself.
She does, believe me, she does a fine job of protecting herself.
But she's always been the one to, or she's always been a one to stand up.
Not the one, but in our relationship, we both stand up.
But she has been known to stand up for something that is unjust.
She will stand up.
And I mean, not every time, every single little thing, but...
She has she's always voted for the underdog.
She's always wanted the underdog to win.
And, you know, one of the problems in our relationship has been it's going to sound weird.
One of the problems in our relationship has been she hasn't seen me as an underdog.
So I don't necessarily get a second chance.
I say that's a problem because because she doesn't see me as somebody who might not have the qualities or the components of an underdog, that I shouldn't get the same chances as an underdog should get.
Maybe she's right.
Maybe I shouldn't get a second chance.
Not that I, you know, do things that require a second chance, but I've been known to make mistakes and cause problems and I just tell her hey look, when you were married to your last husband, you gave him chance after chance after chance.
You gave him so many chances for so many years.
But her life with him was miserable.
Her life with him was just awful.
He was not a pleasant person to be married to.
And when we get into an argument, it's more like you should know better.
You should know because you teach this stuff.
You know, she puts me on a higher level than him.
And I, you know, I'm complimented by that, of course, but that also puts me on a stratosphere that I'm not used to being on.
That requires a certain level of performance, of showing expectations.
The expectations are there.
That I will not make the same mistakes and I will not show up as dysfunctional or toxic as this other person.
And so I don't know where this is going, but I'm just going to finish it.
She said that he used to mess up a lot.
But, you know, he had all these problems.
He had issues.
He had to deal with those issues.
And I'm thinking, well, I have issues too.
I mean, what about me?
And you know I'm kind of this is tongue in cheek a little bit, but she will tell me The horrible things, just horrible things, that he did to her and while they were married.
And if I even mentioned something remotely off base that rubs her the wrong way, I should know better.
And I get that.
Absolutely.
I'm not disagreeing with that.
I just think it's funny how she was with somebody who she gave a lot of chances to.
And she has a good heart.
She's very compassionate.
And because she sees me...
In a higher place, and that's the wrong way to say it, but in a different place, a more ethical place, a more moral place.
However, you want to say it because she sees me in that light.
I have fewer chances.
Again, I don't know where this is going, but it just came to me.
I just find it fascinating that, even when you show up as being the best you can be doing, the best you can do, that you might be with somebody who gave somebody else a lot of chances and that marriage didn't work.
But just because somebody is not giving you a lot of chances doesn't mean you're bad or unworthy or unlovable or anything like that.
It might actually mean that they care about you more and see you as better in a lot of ways than the way you just showed up, for example.
Like if you made a mistake, I see you better than that.
And, of course, I'm not going to give you another chance, because you're not an underdog and you're smarter than that.
And you should know better.
I swear to you, this is not a complaint.
It just came to me when I was thinking about doing today's episode, which I started off saying your inability to accept me as I am isn't my problem.
I'm not saying that about her, because she does accept me as I am, which is wonderful.
I'm saying that in general, if somebody doesn't accept you as you are, that isn't your problem.
It really isn't.
You shouldn't have to change who you are or adapt to what they expect of you.
You should just be yourself, and if somebody doesn't like who you're being, then they can make a choice to not be with you or around you.
This is something I had to learn myself over the past 15 years of working on myself.
Starting to improve my life and changing who I used to be into, who I am today and who I continue becoming and changing into.
Whoever I evolve into next is learning that I don't need to change myself for someone else.
I need other people to accept me as I am or not want to be with me.
Because I would rather somebody not want to be with me if they can't accept who I am and how I show up and my interests, my likes, everything that makes me who I am, my entire identity.
I'd rather somebody not want to be with me because they can't accept the way I show up.
I would rather not be with them.
I would rather be alone than be with somebody who can't accept how I show up and choose to stay with me.
This is very deep in the concepts I teach over at loveandabuse.com.
My other podcast, if you don't know about it, it's about emotionally abusive relationships.
Emotionally abusive relationships...
They exist because one person or both can't accept the other person as they are, so they try to change them.
And instead of saying, wow, I don't accept that person as they are.
So, instead of trying to control or change them, I'm going to either adapt and change myself, or I'm going to leave.
Which I believe is the entire solution to toxic relationships, any toxic dysfunctional, difficult relationship.
The solution to the difficulty is looking at the other person and saying i'm not here to change you, i'm here to accept you, And if you show up in a way that I can't accept, that's not your problem, that's mine.
If I have a problem with you, then it's my problem.
That is one of the primary teachings in my course, Healed Being.
The program at healedbeingcom is how I help emotionally abusive and controlling and manipulative people change and heal and stop doing these things to the people they say they love.
Because if you love someone, what is the purpose of being with somebody that you claim to love, but you want them to change?
If you want somebody to change because they're hurting you, that's different.
Being hurt in the relationship is a different set of circumstances, because you are the victim of somebody's hurtful behaviors.
Whereas somebody who wants to control and change you, who is not accepting of who you are, because that's the key difference between the victim of hurtful behavior and the perpetrator of hurtful behavior is that the victim doesn't want the other person to change, they just want them to stop.
And the perpetrator of hurtful behavior just wants the other person to change.
There's the key difference.
The emotionally abusive person wants to change the other person.
And the victim of emotional abuse just wants that behavior to stop.
The victim doesn't want to change the abuser.
They just want the abuse to stop.
Whereas the abuser wants to change the person they're abusing.
If you ever wanted to know how to tell, if you are a hurtful, difficult person, that's how you tell.
Do you want the other person to change or do you just want the other person to stop?
And what do you want them to stop doing?
Because that's different.
If you want them to stop being who they are, that's wanting them to change.
But if you want them to stop doing the behaviors against you, Doing behaviors that cause you to be unhappy, that's when you just want it to stop.
So there's more to it, of course.
It's deeper than that.
I'm not going to get really into that because I do talk about that over at loveandabuse.com.
And you're going to learn a lot more over there if that's your situation.
Right now I'm just talking about standing in your power.
And standing in your power may mean that you look at someone and either think to yourself first, because you might have to say something next, but think to yourself.
Their inability to accept me is not my problem.
If you can think that to yourself, how does that change you?
How does that change how you feel about yourself?
How does that change what you're going to say next?
Sometimes you need the courage to say something like that next because it could cause a conflict.
But what it does is it takes the responsibility of somebody's inability to accept you, as you are off of you.
Meaning you are not taking responsibility for someone else's thoughts and feelings about you.
Isn't that wonderful?
It's freeing.
You will liberate yourself if you can acknowledge inside yourself that other people's problems with you are their problems.
If they don't like you, that's their problem.
If they think you're ugly, too skinny, too fat, too short, too tall, that's their problem.
It's not your problem.
You are yourself, however you show up.
And everyone's going to have a judgment about how you show up.
No matter what you look like, no matter how you think, no matter how you talk, everyone's going to have a judgment.
They all have judgments.
And the good, kind, healthy, compassionate, loving, supportive people don't say anything like that.
They don't say anything like that because they're good and they're kind and they're supportive and they're compassionate and they're loving people.
They don't have to say things to put you down or make you feel bad or take away your power.
Because they care about you.
See, this is why, when somebody puts you down, when somebody insults you, when somebody makes you feel bad about yourself, that it shows who they are inside and not who you are inside.
It shows you.
It reveals to you.
Who they are, at least right now, because healthy or healed people don't talk like that.
They don't say things like that.
They don't think like that.
Healthy, compassionate, caring, loving, supportive people don't think, oh, that person is too ugly.
That person is dumb.
They don't think like that about people they care about.
They might think like that about people they don't care about, like they have a problem with.
I'm not saying that's a good thing either, but we've all been known to make judgments in our mind about other people.
We've all been known to say things about other people in our mind.
Even good friends.
Like, ah, did you hear so-and-so talking about that?
I can't believe they said that.
What were they thinking?
They're so stupid.
Maybe that's just me, I don't know.
But I think most people think like that.
We talk about people behind their backs.
I think a lot of that, if not most of it, is just internal emotional energy that needs to come out in words that we may or may not mean.
Because have you ever said something about a good friend or your partner or whoever that you really care about, that came out like you thought much less of them than you do.
You might say, they're such a jerk.
But you might say that in the moment, because of the emotional buildup and the thoughts that you have around the situation and your resistance to it, or your conflict inside of you, or you're talking politics or something
And you just come up with these internal thoughts and they come out later, you know with a trusted person, and you say I can't believe they said that they're such a jerk.
But then you love that person, you care about them and then you go back and you're not going to say things like that to somebody that you care about.
You might say things in the moment about somebody that is not in the room.
It's a lot different than somebody who says it in the moment, while you're in the room to take away your power.
Because that's how I see it.
We can be away from somebody and express ourselves and vent about that person.
But 99.9% of the time, we have no problem.
We love that person.
We're not going to say anything bad to them.
Of course, 100% of the time, we're not going to say anything bad to them.
And we might have something to say when we're not with them, because We all talk in private and it can be gossipy.
It can be just venting because you had a disagreement and you didn't want to get into that disagreement.
All kinds of things that can come up when you're around somebody for hours and hours or days and weeks or whatever, or if you live together.
There are going to be times when you say things that you wouldn't say to their face.
You wouldn't say these things to their face because you care about them.
You care about them.
And just because you say it to somebody else, a trusted friend or whoever, doesn't mean that you're going to go back and say those things to their face because you care about how they feel.
And that's another difference.
You actually care about them so much that you care if you hurt their feelings and make them feel small, make them feel like they are less than they really are, because you know they're not.
When you care about somebody, you see.
Typically, this is how it works.
You see somebody more than they see themselves.
And yes, we can be away from that person and still say things about that person, but we still see them more than they see themselves.
We see more greatness than they can see in themselves.
I can't think of anyone who I would go up to and them seeing more greatness in themselves than I do.
I mean, about them.
I can't think of anybody in my life that, well, actually maybe one person, but I don't like him.
The people we don't like, we can see that happening.
The people we care about, the people we love.
We always see more greatness in them than they can see in themselves, which is why we're not here to take away their power.
We're not here to make them feel small or weak or stupid or ugly, or we're not here to shame them in any way.
We want them to feel good about themselves, and the reason i'm saying all of this is because when somebody can't accept you as you are and tries to change you, tries to make you into who they want you to be or make you choose the way they want you to choose, and make you feel bad if you don't, these are not the people that are showing you healthy love.
They are showing you dysfunction.
They are showing you insecurity.
They are revealing to you what's inside of them, not inside of you.
That's why I started the show off more or less by saying your problem with me is not my problem.
Your inability to accept me is not my problem.
You're being jealous of me.
You know, if you're in your twenties, you're in a romantic relationship and a lot of people are in their twenties.
Sorry to say, if you're listening and you're there. are more likely to be jealous and insecure.
Some people don't ever let go of those insecurities.
Some people do.
Jealousy, I've noticed, typically is something that lasts a decade, like in their 20s.
Then they get into their 30s and things are different for most people, not all.
But what I've noticed is that people in their 20s, even late teens, but even in their 20s jealousy is more pervasive.
It's more likely to happen because they haven't had enough fun experience in partnerships and relationships where you develop trust and understand that some people actually do commit to the relationship and plus, you might be dealing with in your 20s The fact that you have thought about maybe being with somebody else.
And because you are thinking that, you think that other people think that too.
So there's a lot of projection there that we put on other people.
Like, well, I think that, so they must be thinking that.
And because they must be thinking that, I should be upset and jealous.
And that's what happens.
I hate to say this.
It's an immature mindset.
But it's not because you're immature, if you're listening, if you're in your 20s.
It's because you just haven't had enough experience with relationships.
And you may have had relationships that caused you to be jealous because there were real threats in the relationship.
But as you grow older and people start to settle into relationships more, who want more commitments, who want more at least monogamous relationships, who want each other and only each other, then that settles down.
So all I'm saying is that.
These insecurities in our 20s tend to decrease, typically.
Sometimes they don't.
Sometimes we carry them into our 30s and 40s.
Eventually you realize, oh, by being that way, it keeps pushing people away.
The more insecure I am, the more it pushes people away.
Which comes back to my comment about if you can't accept me as I am, that's not my problem.
Your inability to accept me as I am is not my problem.
That's your problem.
So if you are in a relationship with somebody who is jealous or insecure and wants you to change so that they can feel more secure in themselves,
I'm sorry.
Your inability to accept me as I am, and also your inability to trust me, is not my problem.
Because if you know you're a trustworthy person, if you know you're doing the best you can and you know you're not here to betray or cheat or lie or steal or whatever, If you know that you are pretty moral and ethical, then you don't have to deal with somebody's inability to accept you as those things.
That's what I call standing in your own power.
This is who I am.
If you don't like who I am, please go away.
Because I don't want to deal with your inability to accept me as I am.
And I'm not saying that you should accept me as I am.
Just don't tell me about it.
If you can't accept me as I am, it doesn't mean we have to be friends or family or lovers.
We can just be cordial.
But I don't need to hear from you.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm talking in general.
I don't need to hear from you, the person who can't accept me as I am, that you don't like the way I'm showing up.
Because that's just like telling me That I am going to stay in your life and give you a hard time for who you are.
And I'm not going to honor myself and get away from you.
So if somebody can't accept you as they are, it's like them telling you I don't like the way you show up, but I'm going to stick around and make myself miserable.
That's how I see that.
That's why it's so much easier to liberate yourself from their thoughts and feelings and just say well, if you don't like the way I'm showing up, that's on you.
That's your responsibility, not mine.
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Now, what tends to happen is that we want to be nice and we want to be accommodating.
And we think that if we can just change ourselves a little bit, that maybe they'll start treating us better or start treating us nicer.
And if they do that, then maybe we can get along and everything else is great.
Maybe.
But are you compromising yourself?
Because I would rather you not make yourself smaller so someone else can feel more comfortable.
That's why complementary relationships work so well, as opposed to uncomplimentary or whatever the word is.
It's the opposite of codependence.
I loosely define codependence as your dysfunctions that complement somebody else's dysfunctions.
For example, the caretaker rescuer who attracts people who need saving.
Like, I wrote this down, let me just read it.
The caretaker learned that their value comes from being needed.
Perhaps they had to take care of a parent or younger siblings, or they learned that love means sacrifice and service.
They feel worthy only when they're helping someone.
This is dysfunctional because their self-worth is externally dependent.
They need someone to be broken so that they can feel valuable.
And they often neglect their own needs entirely.
Now, the person who needs saving may have learned helplessness.
They might struggle with maybe addiction or mental health issues or financial irresponsibility or just other general life dysfunctions.
They've learned that someone will always come along to fix things for them.
This is dysfunctional because they never develop their own capability or resilience.
They remain dependent and they don't grow.
And I consider this codependence because their dysfunctions complement each other.
The caretaker gets to feel important and needed, and their entire identity is sometimes built on this.
And the person being saved gets their needs met without having to develop themselves.
They don't have to grow or evolve.
They can just be taken care of.
The caretaker can avoid looking at their own life and problems by staying focused on fixing someone else.
The person being saved can avoid the hard work of growth by letting someone else do it for them.
What's interesting is if the person being saved actually got better, the caretaker might feel like they've lost their purpose.
So unconsciously, the caretaker may even sabotage the other person's growth to maintain the dynamic.
Because when you have a dysfunction that gives you purpose and that purpose is suddenly taken away, the relationship probably won't last unless the dysfunction is worked on so you can heal and grow and get out of that dysfunction.
But this is what I'm talking about.
The codependence between two people is that they complement each other's dysfunctions.
My dysfunction complements your dysfunction.
My walking on eggshells complements your violent temper tantrums.
Believe it or not.
Or vice versa.
Often because it's very familiar.
If you were used to walking on eggshells as a child, like for me, I was used to walking on eggshells.
I was very careful not to make my stepfather upset at all because he was a raging alcoholic and very abusive.
And I knew as a child that if I did or said anything that caused him to be upset, that I would be in serious trouble.
So I stayed quiet.
And staying quiet was my safe place.
It was my happy place.
And so I learned that.
I learned to do that as a child.
And that became a dysfunction as an adult because I would often do the emotionally abusive silent treatment.
In my previous relationships, I would withdraw love and connection.
I would stay silent, because I knew in my mind back then I quote, knew that speaking up would cause a problem, would cause someone to be upset with me, and I didn't want to be around that.
So I just shut my mouth, and shutting your mouth when you are in a relationship with somebody who wants to communicate with you is not going to last long, because they will feel like you are missing from the relationship when you do that.
Now I'm talking about people who aren't dangerous.
I wasn't with people who were dangerous, but I identified them as danger or dangerous to me, even though they weren't.
But i had unconscious patterns that just kept running.
They just kept running in the background and as long as those were there, i would always disconnect, i would withdraw, i would stay silent.
So if i had something to say because i was upset, i would withdraw.
I would um give my partner or whoever the silent treatment And in a way that made them feel unloved unwanted, uncared for.
And that was emotionally abusive.
I didn't know it back then because it was just the way I coped.
But that's how I learned to survive as a child is just disconnect, stay quiet.
And that caused so many problems. because I wouldn't speak up.
I wouldn't stand in my power and say this is who I am.
This is how I feel, and I'm not going to say this, but if you don't like it, too bad.
I didn't say that, and I wouldn't say that today.
But I fully believe that if you can stand in your power and feel that way about yourself, that things go differently.
Yes, you will lose relationships because people who don't want you to think for yourself and and have autonomy and independence and be proud of yourself and like and even love yourself.
Some people aren't prepared for others that can do that.
Some people don't want you to be comfortable being yourself.
Because they aren't comfortable with you being yourself, because they would rather be around people that they can change into somebody who they're comfortable around.
It's just so strange now that I think about it.
I mean, this is the person I never was.
The person who can't accept other people for who they are was never the person I was.
It's the person I am today because I had to...
Figure that out.
I had to heal from it.
I had to heal from who I was.
I couldn't accept people for who they were because childhood changes your perception of many things.
It gives you a lot of untruths about how life works and how you're supposed to deal with challenges.
We're not all taught how to do it in the best way or healthiest way.
So as a child, we have to make a lot of this stuff up or we have to role model it from somebody else.
And if the role model is not that great, I mean in an unhealthy way.
If they're doing things in an unhealthy way, then as children, that's how we learn.
And then we grow up and bring it into our adult relationships and suddenly we're wondering why the heck our relationships aren't as great as they should be.
Just like the idea that we can look at someone else and say, I accept you as you are.
And if I don't like it, I don't have to be with you.
That sounds scary to people.
Some people are dealing with insecurities like fear of abandonment, fear of rejection, fear of being alone.
They don't want to be alone, so they don't want to say something like that or think that.
And they'll do everything they can to keep that relationship, even though they can't accept the person they're with.
Or vice versa.
That person can't accept the person you that they're with.
And again...
It's not your fault if somebody can't accept you.
It's theirs.
It's their responsibility to say, I choose to accept you as you are.
And if I don't want to accept you as you are, it's not a reflection of you.
It's a reflection of me.
I wish I knew this in my late teens and 20s and 30s.
I wish I knew all of this because it would have helped me so much when relationships failed.
I wish I didn't take things so personally.
Why don't they love me?
Why doesn't she see the good person I am?
I must not be lovable.
I must not be smart.
I must not be good enough for her.
And you take it personally to the point where you say, I'm not good enough.
So it turns from I'm not good enough for that person to I'm not good enough.
I'm not attractive enough to I'm not attractive.
I'm not smart enough to I'm not smart.
It's all translated personally.
But if I had known back then when I was going through breakups, I might still be painful, but it would have a lot less impact on me personally because I took it so personally.
So it might go from feeling that I'm unlovable.
Like if somebody leaves me and I feel this way, Oh, I'm unlovable.
It might go from that to, I'm not what she's looking for.
And even though that still might be hurtful, that still might be painful, because If you aren't what they're looking for, if there's an incompatibility, it's better that they find somebody that they are compatible with instead of trying to make you into somebody that you're not.
And I know a lot of people listening right now are thinking I'll just turn into the person they want me to be.
That will always make you miserable.
Unless you want to be that person.
If you really want to be that person that they want you to be, if that's something you've been striving for before you even met.
I'm talking about romantic relationships.
If you have always wanted to be that person and meeting this other person helps you get to that point, then maybe that's a good path for you to take.
But if it makes you more and more uncomfortable and unhappy, trying to fit somebody else's perfect mold of who they want you to be, then I believe you're going in the wrong direction and you should be happy.
It's not gonna make you happy if they leave, but you should be happy that they didn't force a compatibility.
They didn't try to make something work that wasn't going to work in the first place.
Again, I wish I knew that in my 20s.
I don't know how much it would have helped, because I still had a lot of growing and healing to do, but I think it would have made me feel better knowing that it wasn't just about me.
It was all about what they wanted in their life and what wasn't working for them.
Just because I don't work for somebody else doesn't mean I'm broken.
And it doesn't mean I'm unlovable or unworthy of love.
It just means that that person is looking for something else.
And I would feel much more empowered than I did back then if I just said well, if she has a problem with me, that's not my problem.
That's hers.
And I'm glad that she's moving on, because I would rather have her find somebody that is compatible with her, that she doesn't have a problem with, because I don't want to be with somebody who constantly has a problem with me.
I don't want to be with that person.
And that's not a reflection of me.
So I'm not going to take it personally.
If they don't want to be with me and they need to find somebody else that works for them.
This doesn't mean I might not have work to do.
Let's just say that I was who I was back then, which is 100% true.
However that came out.
Let's just say that my dysfunctions, how prevalent they were back then, that I was aware of them.
Let's just say that I knew that I had a fear of abandonment.
I was highly insecure because I was back then, 20s and 30s.
I was highly insecure in my relationship.
And so I became jealous and possessive with my then partner.
And she didn't like that.
I'm painting a scenario that's true and dramatized.
She didn't like that.
And she didn't want to deal with my insecurity about that being afraid to be alone or feeling abandoned.
I was clingy.
I was possessive.
I was jealous.
She doesn't like that.
And instead of trying to change me or make me different, she decided that she was going to stand in her power and say look, I can't be with somebody who can't trust me.
I can't be with somebody who doesn't accept me as I am the person.
I am the one who wants to talk to other guys, the one who has guy friends.
And I can't change into who you want me to be because that's not who I am.
So if you have a problem with that, that's not my problem.
If she had said that, that would have had an impact.
I'm not blaming her.
I'm not saying that she should have.
But if she had, if she had said that I would have.
Geez, you know, because I'm trying to put you know back then I was trying to make her responsible for my thoughts and feelings because I want her to comfort me.
You need to change to comfort me.
And that's how I thought back then.
And if I do that, she feels like she has to either change what she's doing or hide what she's doing or not.
Tell me things.
And that's what happens.
Or that's what did happen.
She didn't tell me everything, because she knew telling me certain things would certainly lead to my insecurities flaring up, and then she'd have to deal with me.
That's just how it was back then.
When I was in a relationship, that's what my partner had to deal with.
And so again, if she said, that's too bad that you don't trust me, but that's who I am.
And if you can't trust me, that's not my problem.
It's the same concept.
You can't trust me.
It's not my problem.
I know I'm trustworthy.
So you'll have to deal with it.
Going to talk to my friend now.
Boy, that would hurt.
I didn't know what to do with that back then.
What would I do with that?
I would have to deal with it.
I would have to take the responsibility back.
I would have to take it off of her being responsible for my thoughts and feelings and put it back on myself.
Which means what?
It's the first step into healing if I choose.
It's the first step I would take into taking responsibility for how I feel, instead of putting the responsibility on her to make me feel better.
And that changes everything.
She didn't know.
I didn't know.
I mean, we were young.
We don't know how this stuff works when we're younger.
We're just trying to figure it out.
Today, I'm completely different.
I choose to trust.
I choose to accept her as she is.
Because if I don't accept my wife as she is, I will hear about it.
And I know it sounds like I'm talking harshly about her, but I am so damn impressed by her.
And I look up to her and I admire her and I respect her in every way, because she represents so much of who I always wanted to be.
And I love her for that.
And I can't imagine ever being with somebody else, because I've never had such an authentic relationship.
Why is it authentic?
What makes it authentic?
Because she has no problem standing in her power and telling me if she has to.
I'm not saying it happens, but it can.
It can happen where she'll stand in her power and say something along the lines of well, if you have a problem with that, that's not my problem.
It's yours.
Oh, you're right.
Okay.
So I need to deal with that.
You're right.
I do.
And that's the difference.
That's the difference in how I show up today than the way I used to show up.
Because back then I would say, no, that's not fair.
That's not right.
You need to change for me.
And now I realize that Oh, this person, my wife, represents the lesson I should have learned a long time ago.
But sometimes we just don't get there until it's time to get there.
Sometimes we just don't learn until it's time to learn.
Sometimes we need to go through a lot of heartache and failure to get to the point where we finally understand what it looks like to be functional versus dysfunctional, to be non-toxic, to love in a healthy way, to show somebody that we accept them exactly as they are.
And when you accept somebody as they are and they accept you as you are, That is a complimentary, highly functional, very healthy, probably long lasting relationship that has a very low chance of failure.
Not saying it's not impossible.
It could happen because there are always things that might come up that challenge the relationship.
And if you haven't dealt with them before, you have to deal with it.
You have to figure it out.
Thanks for listening to another episode of the overwhelmed brain.
I hope you got something from today's episode.
I value you and I value the patrons that give to the show like Brad and Ashley and Way and Angel.
Very grateful for your support of this podcast for sometimes years.
A lot of people have been a patron for many years and I appreciate all of you.
Thank you so much.
If you value the show like these patrons do and you want to give back, head over to moretobcom and there are options to do that over there.
And if you want to listen to my show on emotionally abusive relationships and how to deal with the difficult relationships, how to navigate the challenges that come up in relationships, head over to loveandabusecom, and you're going to learn a lot over there.
And if you're the difficult one in the relationship, you know, the one who can't accept people as they are, and you are giving them a hard time trying to change them, trying to make them see the right way to do things, and it's causing a lot of problems in the relationship.
You might want to check out healedbeingcom.
That's where I help people change and heal and get to the point where they create the most loving, healthiest relationship possible.
And it has helped a lot of people heal and even our relationships rekindling.
And, you know, some relationships can't make it and some do.
So I highly recommend, if you are working on your relationship and you know you need to change some things about yourself, start with the free lessons over at healedbeingcom, and you'll find it very valuable.
Remember, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
