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Hey everybody, we're back with a bonus episode of Love Letters and our favorite bonus guest, my sister.
Woohoo!
All right, so one question before we get to letters.
So a lot of the advice column is cyclical based on East Coast weather, I think.
Like, even though readers are all over, a lot of the letters come from the East Coast and, at least you know, from readers that have really, you know, big seasons.
Yeah.
And this is the time of year that people are freaking out.
They are worried about being lonely.
They are worried about being trapped in a relationship they might not like.
They are seeing January and February on the horizon as like a bleak nothing zone.
And you know, just in the same way, that in May, like people go a little bit like too wild, like their whole lives are free all of a sudden, in a way that they're not,
Like right now there's a tension and people have specific problems, some of which are tied to holidays, but some are just the vibes, and you're in a place that is same day, every day sunny.
So i just wondered, like what you've seen vibe wise from the people around you like do you think they're like you know when you're like do you feel it at all?
And maybe it's like too soon to know, but like you're california people, are they like?
Oh my god, it's winter is coming.
The timing on this is very funny.
Quite the opposite.
And I'll tell you why.
First of all, loyal listeners.
For those of you that don't know, this New Yorker is now living in Palm Springs.
And guess what we just had in Palm Springs?
Pride.
So it is quite the opposite.
Well, you know I prefer 120 degrees and sunny, but it's like...
75 and sunny.
And it was just pride weekend five minutes ago.
And like the season is just starting here.
So I think everyone's just like super excited and super horny.
Wait, is this like a Australia situation where, come summer in Palm Springs, people are going to be like winter, winter vibes?
Yeah, no, I feel like this is just like a time of the season is starting.
It's celebratory and joyful and everyone is like, you know, ready to party and see each other.
And especially for those people that split their time, I think, between here and other places because they want to get away for the summer.
It's like this renewed sense.
I mean, I'm brand new here, but like joy and community and excitement and you know it's annoying for some people that are here year round.
I mean, I went to a restaurant last night and I
Even when we walked in at six o'clock, it was jam packed wall to wall.
I can't even imagine what it would have been like at 730.
It's like what used to be easy to get around is like now it's starting to be crazy.
But you can feel the excitement in the air.
I think it's very different than the East Coast.
All right.
Well then, I will remind everyone that if you're closer to me in geography, you can send your miserable, bleak
It's dark at five and freezing.
And am I going to be single or am I going to be coupled?
You can send those letters from the East Coast.
And if you're closer to the desert, you can tell me all about your wild winter that's coming and all the problems you have with that.
All right.
Well, I have two letters for you today.
They are both family related.
So I thought it would be good to talk to my sibling about them.
So I'm going to read the first one.
Okay.
And a reminder that these come in at lovelettersatboston.com.
And I answer them on the advice column.
And sometimes we talk about them here. and I'll tell you what I know.
Okay.
Basically a letter writer writes in and says they're getting married to the love of their life, that the guy is a great partner, he is caring, smart and I know he loves me very much.
There is just one thing that seems to make me feel anxious my future in-laws, specifically his sister.
Over the years, I have found her to be hot and cold, which is fine.
I don't take anything too personally, but sometimes I get the sense she doesn't like me.
Fast forward to a few months ago, she got engaged to her boyfriend and we're very happy for them.
There's one thing that I thought was weird, though.
She pretty much has the exact same engagement ring as I do, just a little bit bigger of a stone.
I know this is the one she asked for based on conversations with her.
During those conversations, I would say, the ring you're describing sounds like mine.
And she wouldn't acknowledge what I was saying.
I want to comment again, but don't want to come across as jealous.
I'm a bit weirded out, as this is not the first time she has copied outfits I wear or repeated things I have said and claimed as her own.
Do you agree that the ring situation is bizarre?
Is it okay that it upsets me and that I want it to be acknowledged?
And I want to say, like I was on the fence about answering this letter, because we don't do a lot of letters that are really about, you know, rules and etiquette, or a relationship column.
But to me, there is a third person not mentioned here very much, which is the fiance.
And so much of the advice I had for this letter writer was about preserving her relationship, as opposed to this relationship with her soon-to-be sister-in-law.
So what do you think?
Wait, what do you mean?
So this woman is not her friend, right?
It's her partner's sister.
Her job is to keep the peace, keep boundaries.
But like she doesn't want to do anything with that woman, that completely breaks down what she has with her own fiance.
So like what's worth it?
You don't mean about the fiance getting involved.
You're not talking about that.
No, but like if you basically look at the soon to be sister-in-law and say, oh my God, you copied my ring.
You steal my ideas and you're wearing my clothing.
Like, what do you win?
And like, is that the right way to deal?
Oh, I'm with you 100 percent.
Who who cares?
Honestly, like you got to.
Nope.
Nope.
We don't acknowledge it.
We don't bring it up.
You got to let it go.
Like, no, that's it.
And also, it's done, isn't it?
It's done.
Right.
She's not going to return the ring.
Also, like, maybe I'm missing something.
And I know I have never been married and have been to a zillion weddings.
And I'm not the most visual person.
But there are only so many different ways an engagement ring can look.
Like, I know people will be like, I did it this way.
And people will compliment the cut and whatever.
And, oh, a different kind of stone.
But it's still a ring.
Oh, no.
I think that fully, like, probably the sister-in-law thing.
Like fully was just like, yep, we're going to do the exact same thing and one up it a little bit.
Fine.
Let it go.
Let it go.
And you know what?
It's probably just going to get worse.
So get ready for that.
We have very sisterly advice for that, because I said, basically get ready, because if you all have kids,
It's just going to be, listen, it's good to be an influencer.
Just consider yourself an influencer.
That's right.
Ooh, well said.
You know, but this is like, this is why Pinterest was created, right?
Like so that people can get ideas for cool stuff.
That's right.
You're an influencer on a Pinterest board.
Like that's it.
And yep, it's going to get a bazillion times worse when children are involved.
So this is nothing.
Get ready.
Okay.
All right.
I love when we agree, which is probably most of the time.
When we come back, we're going to have a letter that's a little bit more wild.
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Listen wherever you get your podcasts.
And we're back.
OK, are you ready for the letter that got like a zillion page views on every place I posted it?
Because it really hit a nerve with people or they were just being voyeurs.
It's hard to say.
I'm going to read it to you.
I might read it to you in its entirety because it's it's a good letter.
Meredith, I don't know what to do.
I'm a 27-year-old woman with a boyfriend and I just learned something I can't quite figure out how to deal with.
I hope you can help me because this is something I never thought would happen to me.
I finished grad school and met the love of my life.
He's kind, he's funny, he's great in bed, and I've never been so happy.
We've been together for a year now, but something happened recently that I don't know what to do about.
My mom and dad divorced when I was in college and I had a lot of problems dealing with that.
I lived with my mom most of that time and now I'm in my own place, which is so freeing.
I met my boyfriend after I started working full time and we hit it off from the first meeting.
I had had other boyfriends in high school and college, but he was beyond all those.
I swear we fell for each other on date number two.
It was totally fun.
I wanted to go slowly and he was totally fine with that.
Last year I felt it was time to introduce him to my mom and I felt that introducing him to her for the first time would make it easier to introduce him to my dad.
Everything went well.
We met at a restaurant and had dinner and conversation and everything.
After dinner, my boyfriend and I went back to my place and that's when everything went crazy.
My boyfriend told me that he had slept with my mom in the past.
I was completely shocked.
I could not believe it.
My boyfriend explained that before we met he and some friends had been out to a bar and he met my mom there.
He said they had chatted and shared drinks and she had taken him home for the night.
He told me it was the only time they had hooked up, and he never met up with her or contacted her again.
He was incredibly sorry and didn't know what he should do, but he believed that telling me the truth was the only right decision.
Please, Meredith, I don't know what to do or what to think.
Should I shut my eyes?
Should I forgive him?
Should I confront my mom?
I love my mom and I know she has every right to find happiness wherever she can.
But with my boyfriend, somehow this seems wrong.
Please help.
So now my assumption here, which I think is fair, is that we don't know if the mom knows, because a commenter pointed out right off the bat.
Are we sure the mother recognized him at the dinner?
Because perhaps it was one of those nights.
And we are sure that there is no cheating here.
This happened before the letter writer met her boyfriend.
So, in terms of forgiving, it's more about forgiving a past choice than that the two people involved had no idea what affect their own futures.
And my first thought was, very grossly, if we started dating someone we found out had slept with our late mother while she was alive, would we be Sorry?
Would we have been able to deal with it?
Let it wash over you.
Feel the feelings of the letter writer.
Get uncomfortable.
It was funny.
I was like so totally on board with all this.
Like, ah, whatever.
And also like in a way I kind of like the boyfriend more that he slept with a woman that much older.
But then all of a sudden I like – like I thought about our mom and I was like –
Then I also thought about how much mom flirted with your boyfriend in high school.
So did you.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, still, I'm only four years older than you.
It's not that gross.
No, but it is a little gross.
Yeah.
We're not even talking about dinner with dad.
We're talking about dinner number one.
No, we haven't gotten to dad.
We were starting with mom because mom's easier to deal with.
We have not gotten to dad.
This was the first meeting.
You know, it reminded me of a wedding, and I will not obviously disclose what wedding, but...
I was at a wedding once at a table with people I didn't really know.
Later, I would find out that two of the people at the table had slept together.
They were both with spouses.
This was a pre-married romp that they had.
And those two people sat down and were like oh, I'm going to sit through this dinner and not reveal that I have slept with a person at the table who I've not seen since then.
And they did a really good job, like just as a fellow table guest.
I wouldn't have known.
Two of those people were, like you know, probably grinding their teeth the whole time.
But that you know, the first choice, one of the reasons I did like the boyfriend, I think also is that he immediately was like there's something I have to tell you and do with that information, what you will.
I like I think that's probably the move, even though I'm sure there would have been a part of me that was like Maybe if I never bring this up, it'll just go away and there'll be a silent pact with the mother never to discuss that it happened.
But if he's serious about the partner, the right move was saying it.
I agree.
And it also really just depends on who you are, right?
There might be a world in which somebody is like, all right, we're never going to talk about this and I can take this to the grave, but then there are people who really can't.
And I might be one of those people that really can't, actually.
So I think he did the right thing.
I feel bad for the mom that she's now going to have to have this talk and she's not the one to come forward first.
Like, this sucks for her.
But does she?
Like, if you're the letter writer, do you even say to your mom, I know?
I don't know that I would.
Really?
Well, I guess it depends on the mom, but I might, Or I might, just say hey, I've been told you met before.
We're never going to talk about that.
Like, depending on the relationship, I don't think there's a whole lot to say.
You either say you know or you ignore it.
But I wouldn't want to have like a big conversation about it.
Oh, I would want to have a big conversation about it.
I mean, that's just me.
Yikes, like Well, I don't Not about like the actual sex, but I feel like I would just need to be like I don't know.
I feel like I would need to say... this is what I know.
I feel really, really weird about it.
Like like, I think that we should just put this all out there and find a way to laugh about this or whatever.
And I don't want you guys to have to feel like you've got to be weird.
And I don't know.
I think she should stay with a boyfriend if she can handle it.
I think she should forgive him for it.
I think she should forgive her mother.
I think she should talk to her mother.
And yeah, if she is.
I mean, I'm just assuming she's more like me and would need to put that out there.
If you.
If she doesn't feel like she needs to have that conversation with her mom, then then I just would feel really bad if she dumped him based on this
Yeah, I agree.
I agree.
I think unless she's going to puke, like she should give herself six months.
If she still wants to puke after six months, that's a problem.
If she's okay and doesn't want to puke, then that's good.
I I yeah I, I.
I'm hoping she can get over this.
Uh, I would also agree that a conversation with the mother could just be airing it out and saying I feel weird, but I'm happily compartmentalizing and let's all move on.
And it'll be the weird.
I mean, I kept thinking about the movie the graduate which, like the first time I saw it I was like wait, and I feel like one generation above us.
Like this made perfect sense to, I'm like, but he totally slept with your mom for like a long time.
By the way, how, Do we know how old she is?
27.
Oh, right, right, right.
27.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, forgive him.
It's all just going to get easier as you get old.
Wait, if she was like, I'm 42, you'd be like, no, you can't get over it?
Well, I just feel like Maybe if she was 42, like right now, she'd be like yeah, good for you guys.
I mean, that's the thing.
I feel like some of the commenters were more uncomfortable about well, how old is he and what was the age gap between the mother and this dude?
And is that an issue?
And I'm like, not, no, it doesn't sound like there was anything like nefariously weird about it.
She went to like a bar and picked up a younger dude.
Like it happens.
He just gets points for me.
I love him.
I feel like she gets points for me, the mom.
For sure.
Oh, 100%.
Mom gets points.
He gets points.
Frankly, the 27-year-old girlfriend gets a lot of points.
They all get points.
You're totally right.
They're all fabulous.
Because even the 27-year-old, like, especially – I mean, I was such an idiot when I was 27.
I would have been like, no!
And I would have freaked out and probably, like, you know, I would have freaked out.
And she's like, no, I want to talk to Meredith about this.
I mean, to be fair –
I read this letter in my head with like a very freaked out voice.
I'm sure she wrote it while freaking out.
But she took the time to write it, right?
No, I mean, she could have like she could just she could have lost it.
And this letter would have never happened, because she'd be long since broken up with a guy and then like and in therapy and freaking out.
But what I'm saying is like she's like really considering this because she knows he's awesome.
And I'm proud of everybody in this.
I hope the letter writer is listening to that, knowing that everybody gets points.
And to fully come full circle, what an amazing time to get this letter right before the holidays.
Right before everyone gathers for the holidays, no matter where you live.
All right, Brett, thank you for answering letters.
Everybody.
You can write your own letters, even if they're not as wild and weird, about your dating trouble, marriage trouble, dating fatigue, holiday anxiety.
You know, single life, coupled life, all the stuff to lovelettersatbostoncom.
And Brett, I will see you in California soon.
Yeah, in a few days.
Love Letters is a production of the Boston Globe.
Today's episode was produced by Jesse Remedios and Scott Hellman.
Ned Porter does our audio mixing, sound design, and mastering.
Oh, my God.
And, by the way, if they were like, let's say your age, or something like that, This could be like literally a story at the wedding.
Like this.
Could this could be like so completely public that because it's everyone's such a great sense of humor and mom is like super old at that point.
Everyone's just like, I'm Meredith Goldstein.
Thanks for listening.
