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Procrastination can be a form of self-sabotage and a source of self-onduing.
For example, it shows up regularly in people who are working one job, but harbor a secret,
unfulfilled fantasy of doing something else.
Maybe their dream is to become a performer or a writer, or maybe they've always wanted
to learn to play the piano or run a full marathon or hike.
They spend hours, days, weeks and years dreaming about this future self and imagining how
fulfilling and rich their lives will become once they finally make their move.
Someday they think.
But if you're a procrastinator, it never happens.
And the excuses they come up with to explain why very likely have nothing to do with the
real reason, which in nine cases out of ten can be traced back to experiences they had
and the patterning that was imprinted in their early childhood.
Number one, health and wellness podcast.
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Hey, everyone.
Welcome back to On Purpose.
I'm so grateful that you're here spending your next few minutes with me, whether you're
on a walk, whether you're walking your dog, whether you're cooking, whether you're driving,
whether you're cleaning, whatever you're up to, thanks for tuning in with me right now.
And I'm so glad that we're living at a time where mental health has taken center stage
and we're more of us than ever before are familiar with the ideas and concepts around
mental health.
I believe that on purpose has been a significant part of doing that because of you.
You've helped spread on purpose, spread this message so that so many people feel seen,
feel heard, feel understood.
And I couldn't thank you enough for all the reviews for sharing the episodes with friends,
the cut downs on TikTok and Instagram.
It's amazing.
Keep them coming.
Today's episode is about the four ways we self-sabotage ourselves and the three ways we
can overcome those instincts and impulses that run counter to our own success and happiness.
While we may not be familiar with self-sabotage, most of us know what sabotage means.
We've all seen films or television shows where one person sabotages another, whether
it's a coworker who steals a colleague's report or a bride's maid who sabotages her
friends wedding by drinking too much and causing a scene.
Outside of the movies though, it's surprisingly common at work as well.
For example, you and your team may be engaged in a collaborative project, but a colleague
decides to withhold important information and his behavior ends up compromising everything
you've ever worked for.
That's sabotage.
But in this episode, we're going to be focusing on the kind of sabotage that's aimed at ourselves.
I define acts of self-sabotage as behaviors where we get in our own way.
We trip ourselves up.
We do or say things or act in ways that run counter to our own stated goals and our own success.
Behaviours where we're our worst enemy and not even aware we are either.
In fact, self-sabotage can even be framed as acting in a passive-aggressive way around
ourselves.
Because somewhere inside our own brains, we don't want what we tell ourselves we want.
Think about this for a second.
There's this beautiful statement by Bahamad Ali.
He said it's not the mountain you're climbing.
It's the pebble in your shoe.
Right?
This idea of what's tripping you up?
What's getting caught in your shoe?
I'm sure you're thinking about that recently as well.
Like what's blocking you?
And sometimes we'll blame someone externally.
Sometimes we'll find someone else to take the responsibility, we'll shift accountability.
But what is that?
It's self-sabotage.
And some of you may even have become more familiar with this idea and you're thinking
to yourself, Jack, keep doing this.
I keep getting in my own way.
But now I feel guilty about it.
Now I feel shameful about it.
And now I feel bad about it.
And that's not the point of this episode.
The point of this episode is not to make you feel worse about it.
It's to help you deal with it and feel better about it.
So what do I mean when I say passive aggressive?
When we use that term about other people, it's usually in the context of say, a friend
making a joking remark, except she delivers that remark in a tone of voice that's not
especially friendly or well-meaning.
Right?
It's like when your partner's mad at you, but they want to try and pass it off as it's
not that serious.
But really it is that serious.
That maybe they're angry at you, but they can't admit it or more like they're not even
aware of their own anger.
And instead of acknowledging, it sneaks out indirectly or passively in a way that communicates
what they're feeling.
But it's not honest enough.
It's like it's coming out in a way where it's like, I hope you know what I mean, but
I'm not going to have the courage enough to say it.
Well let's imagine that you and your partner just ended a night out with a big argument.
Most couples take a certain amount of time to cool off before sitting down and doing
the repair work necessary to ensure their relationship is back on good footing.
But if your partner is passive aggressive, he or she will go out of their way to avoid
resolving the argument.
They might give you the silent treatment or stomp around the house and make a lot of noise
to communicate that they're angry or their feelings have been hurt.
What they won't do is tell you, which means you have to read in between the lines and
be the grown up.
You know all of a sudden I have to become a mind reader.
You have to be that person who understands what's not being said.
And you kind of feel a bit of pressure for it.
What's really interesting is that self sabotage acts in a similar way, but with an important
difference.
In a friend acts in a passive aggressive manner, they're refusing or unable to acknowledge
their feelings.
And as I said, sometimes they have no idea what those feelings are in the first place.
This is why I often frame acts of self sabotage as passive aggressive behavior that we show
not to another person, but to ourselves.
Buried deep in our brain are feelings that for whatever reason, we don't want to let
out into the open.
Things that usually go back to our childhoods, our relationship with our parents or our
siblings and the attachments we developed or weren't able to develop with family members
and friends.
Years afterwards, we're still reenacting these models and dynamics in our behavior at work
and with our friends and in our relationships.
The problem being that most of the time with the last people to know about it.
Another way to define self sabotage is behavior that runs counter to or even contradicts
what we tell ourselves we want.
Let me give you an example.
On the morning you're scheduled to deliver an important presentation at work, you don't
hear your alarm clock ring and you over sleep.
Instead of getting up early and rehearsing your presentation, as you've been planning
to do all week, you roll out of bed in a panic, take a crazed two minute shower and shower
up at work an hour late.
By now, what's left of our nervous system is in tatters.
When the time comes for you to deliver the presentation, you don't do as good as a job
as you hoped.
Your voice is unsteady, the slides in your deck are out of order and you leave the room
convinced you're going to be fired.
Now we all have days that don't go the way we want them to, but it's not irrelevant to
the topic of self sabotage to wonder what's really going on with you.
The answer could be any number of things.
Maybe you hate your job or your boss and I've been thinking about quitting for weeks,
except you fear what your parents might say.
So in this case, by showing up late and being unprepared, you've set up your boss to
be disappointed in you and possibly lay you off.
In essence, what is going on is that since you can't acknowledge your own ambivalence
at work, you end up blowing up your own career.
Does that, can you relate to that?
Maybe not exactly like that, but I hope that resonates.
Here's another example.
Imagine you're in a relationship that from every category you can check off is ideal.
The two of you get along fantastically well, you have the same taste in food and music and
film and TV shows, your families get along, they have things in common and you feel you
could spend the rest of your life with this person.
At least that's what you tell yourself.
So why, even though you feel you've found the person you want to spend the rest of your
life with, have you begun acting so cold and withdrawn to the point where your partner
becomes so frustrated they decide to break things off with you?
Maybe, just maybe, the truth of the matter is that you fear intimacy and you don't know
it.
Maybe you were burned before or multiple times before and your detachment and indifference
is nothing more than a defense mechanism.
Maybe without being aware of if you learned from your parents relationship or somewhere
else that people close to you can't be trusted.
So outcomes and active self-sabotage, in this case emotional withdrawal and from that point
on you tell yourself that you're terrible at relationships and how it's never your
fault, but always the fault of the other person.
That self-sabotage.
You're probably wondering what's going on in the brain that leads to self-sabotage.
Well, remember that the brain has one mission, which is to keep us alive and imbalanced.
In that guys it's focused on steering us away from threats while simultaneously motivating
us with the promise of future rewards.
Self-sabotage typically comes about when these two desires get confused and blurry.
Think of it as an ongoing war between dopamine and other brain regions that include the
hypothalamus, amygdala and the prefrontal cortex.
To use our early example, let's imagine that on the surface at least you tell yourself
you want to excel at work.
There's no reason not to believe you either.
You're eager to show your boss and your colleagues what you can do.
And in response your brain floods your system with dopamine, but other areas of your brain
have something to say too.
Hearing you want to excel at work stresses your brain out.
Watch it on edge, makes it fearful, the hypothalamus kicks off this stress response by sending
a message to the pituitary gland, which in turn stimulates the adrenal glands which release
cortisol the stress hormone.
Your breathing, heart rate and blood pressure all shoot up.
More and more blood sugar is pumped into your bloodstream to give you energy for what's
ahead.
Basically, what's happening is that the reward and threat centers of your brain are at
war with each other.
They're being given contradictory messages, but the problem is you can't admit it.
Remember that the brain is always acting in our own best interest.
Its mission at the end of every day is to protect us.
The reward-seeking part of your brain may be saying, I want to succeed at work.
But the regions of the brain that predict potential threats respond by saying, do I really?
Then why do I feel so angry?
Why am I holding back?
In its chemical way, our brains are like friends through thick and thin who know us better than
we know ourselves.
Here's another example.
You might be someone who is always wanted to follow their passion, but keep putting it
off.
This is because your brain is busy predicting how you would feel if you pursued that dream
but came up short.
In other words, your brain is trying to protect you from emotions it knows are painful for
you to feel.
Future embarrassment, future disappointment, future pain.
This is the essence of self-sabotage.
The brain, knowing things we don't, or that we don't want to admit to ourselves, which
in turn obliges us to act cross-purposes with ourselves.
Self-sabotage isn't a cause or a source of anything.
It's a symptom of a feeling or a dynamic that we're usually not aware of.
When we act in a self-sabotaging way, we almost never do it consciously.
Otherwise we would probably stop ourselves.
Unless we've been seeing a therapist for a long time, rarely do we have access to the
original feeling or model that leads us to act in ways that run counter to our own interests
and ambitions.
Self-sabotage has many faces, but here are the top four ways we do it.
So you can use this as a checklist to understand.
The first way is chronic lateness.
Here I'm not talking about those times when we're stuck in traffic or when we realize
the clock in our car doesn't match the time on our phones and we arrive 20 minutes later
for a doctor's appointment or a meeting with a friend.
I'm talking about the habit of lateness.
Lateness that happens so often and predictably that it's your middle name.
The trait most closely associated with you.
If someone tells you that lunch starts at 1 o'clock sharp, you don't show up to 115,
130 or even later.
You always have a good reason too.
Your car was low on gas.
You couldn't find your keys.
The dog needed to be let out.
A phone call came in that you had to take.
Whatever the reason it's always something.
Now most of us who are late apologize for holding everyone else up.
And after that things are fine.
It's no big deal.
You might even be someone with a genuinely flaky relationship with time and scheduling.
Someone who has trouble predicting how long it takes to get somewhere or get something
done.
But consider what your chronic lateness communicates to your friends and work colleagues.
It reduces the trust they have in you.
It means you can't be trusted to keep your word or be relied upon.
Those are the real world effects your chronic lateness has on other people.
But considering that this episode is about self-subitage, what are some of the underlying
reasons that drive the behavior of someone who's never on time?
You could be someone who secretly believes the rules that apply to other people don't
apply to you.
Maybe you're on the out to your friends, but don't have the heart, the time or the patience
to find another friend group.
Maybe you're secretly a diva who knows that by always showing up late, you can make
a grand entrance with everyone's eyes on you.
Never on whispering about that you're finally here.
Whatever the unconscious motive is, it ends up doing you far more damage than good.
Sometimes life can seem challenging and overcoming problems can seem impossible, but when you
focus on your problems, it can keep you from seeing the good in your life.
One thing that helps me when I need a change in perspective is acknowledging the small
winds in life.
I encourage my team to pay attention to small winds, because it helps them see positive
outcomes and the steps that they're achieving on the road to a bigger goal.
Use the power of small winds to shift your outlook and you will start to see positive
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Like a good neighbour, State Farm is there.
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I mean, think about it.
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A second way we self sabotage ourselves is procrastination.
Procrastination of course means putting things off until the very last minute, or in
some cases, never getting around to their mature.
Like all the examples of self sabotage in this episode, we've all been guilty at least
once in our life.
The problem is always is when we take these actual behaviors to extremes.
For example, I'm sure we've all had the experience in high school or college when we put off
writing a paper.
We were given a week to complete it, and every day we told ourselves we would at least
get started.
And as the week went on, we never did.
At least not until the day before it was due when we stayed up all night writing it and
earned a not very good grade from the teacher or the professor.
Or maybe you were one of those people who always did well anyway.
But when it becomes a habit or a routine, procrastination can be a form of self sabotage
and a source of self undoing.
For example, you might be someone who delays paying bills you know or do the first of every
month, but which you don't get around to addressing in time, which gets you into trouble
with creditors and collection agencies.
But where I see procrastination most often is in our own ambitions.
It shows up regularly in people who are working one job, but harbour a secret, unfulfilled fantasy
of doing something else.
Maybe their dream is to become a performer or a writer, or maybe they've always wanted
to learn to play the piano or run a full marathon or hike.
They spend hours, days, weeks and years dreaming about this future self and imagining how
fulfilling and rich their lives will become once they finally make their move.
Someday they think.
But if you're a procrastinator, it never happens.
There are any number of reasons, and the excuses they come up with to explain why very likely
have nothing to do with the real reason, which in 9 cases out of 10 can be traced back to
experiences they had and the patterning that was imprinted in their early childhood.
The fear of failure, for example, or its close cousin, the fear of success.
Or would it really mean to pursue and accomplish their dreams or goals?
It might mean doing better than your parents in a way that's shameful to acknowledge.
Or maybe your mum or dad had their own dreams they weren't able to pursue.
By procrastinating and putting off what you want, you're protecting your parents and
maintaining a familiar dynamic within your own family.
It's an act of love that ends up damaging you.
I don't have enough time, you think, or I'm too old, or I have responsibilities to your
partner and my family.
All of these things may be true, but it's not the real reason why you're procrastinating.
By now, I hope you've become more aware of the conflict that arises in the brain when
we self-sabotage.
And of the misalignment that happens when our conscious behavior is at odds with our own
unconscious motives.
All acts of self-sabotage, remember, can be seen as defense mechanisms.
They're the brain's way of protecting us from the stress and fear of confronting more
difficult emotions.
The third way we self-sabotage ourselves is by putting ourselves down.
It's pretty easy to make fun of people who take themselves too seriously.
There's even an argument to be made that the TV show The Office gave rise to a new brand
of humor that comes from knowing more about other people than they know about themselves.
And make no mistake, self-deprecating humor is a very attractive and humanizing quality
to have.
It not only shows you have a sense of humor about yourself and your position in the world,
it communicates that despite the good things that are happening in your life, you're still
the person you always were.
And here I'm referring to the constant habit of denigrating yourself, whether by apologizing
too much, showing excessive humility or never stopping to acknowledge the times you have
a win in your column.
Putting yourself down shows up in ways both obvious and not so obvious.
Studies show that girls and women apologize more than men do, and many girls say I'm sorry
almost as a reflex.
But as well as showing kindness and consideration, the habit of over apologizing can risk coming
across to others as insecure and self-doubting, while at the same time undermining your own
self-esteem.
Denigrating yourself is also very common in people who don't know how to receive compliments.
I have a friend who is doing fantastically well in his career, but whenever I would point
this out, he would always say something like, I was just lucky.
Therefore I was in the right place at the right time, but refusing to take credit for your
own accomplishments can end up hurting you.
In my friends case, by refusing to acknowledge and appreciate his own success, he was effectively
asking others to buttress and validate his accomplishments.
He came across his insecure and uncomfortable qualities I knew wouldn't serve him well
in the future.
As is true in all instances of self-sabotage, the origins of our behaviour vary, though
it's safe to say they began when we were children.
If you're constantly denigrating yourself, maybe you grew up around a hypercritical parent,
and putting yourself down is a way of keeping that parent's voice close.
Maybe, and this is a theme that keeps coming up with self-sabotage, it stems from lower
than usual self-esteem, where a long time ago someone gave us the impression that we weren't
good enough, or smart enough, or deserving enough.
If you're in the habit of putting yourself down, you might fear that the act of owning
your success risks alienating friends who aren't at the same level as you.
Or possibly you think that unless you put yourself down, someone else will jump in and do
it for you.
Studies show that while self-deprecation is linked to improve overall psychological
health in most people, as usual the risk comes from overdoing it and being seen as someone
who lacks confidence and proficiency in their work.
So the next time you hear yourself saying, I was just lucky, or anyone could have done
what I did.
Ask yourself, are my words serving me, followed by, or are my words protecting me?
The fourth and final step of the ways we self-sabotage ourselves is perfectionism.
Perfectionism is a personality trait marked by sky-high standards and expectations for
yourself and everyone around you.
If you're a perfectionist, you'll no doubt averse to making mistakes.
And this is often accompanied by fear that unless you act or dress or speak or engage
or produce in any way other than what you deem to be perfect, then you're opening up
yourself to criticism, unhappiness and feelings of failure.
Perfectionism is another common way we self-sabotage ourselves and psych ourselves out of attaining
our potential.
Perfectionism blocks progress.
Perfectionism blocks the process.
Perfectionism can block you from unlocking your potential.
Perfectionism has its healthy, beneficial sides.
It can be incredibly motivating for one thing and help you overcome challenges and accomplish
what you're after.
But what can make perfectionism unhealthy and even toxic is its capacity to paralyze
us and keep us from going forward since our greatest fear is what might happen if we make
a mistake or a bad decision.
Of course, self-sabotaging perfectionists can't admit this and instead believe they have
higher standards than other people and a vision no one else shares.
If you're a perfectionist, chances are good you revise and rework things constantly until
you decide they match your impossible standards of perfection, only to discover the next day
that the work you considered perfect 24 hours earlier suddenly feels imperfect and in need
of more work which means you have to start all over again.
Perfect and perfection are like the proverbial goalposts that refuse to stay put and that
keep inching backward depending on what day of the week it is.
Naturally perfectionism can cause problems at work and in your social and love life.
It can also impair both your physical and mental health.
Perfectionism goes hand in hand with depression, anxiety, eating disorders and eventually burnout.
Since you're convinced that nothing you do and no one you know is perfect enough to match,
never mind exceed your own high standards, this often leads to erratic friendships and
relationships.
There's nothing wrong with seeking excellence.
The problem comes when we take it to extremes, when our own perfectionism ends up boxing
us into a corner.
We forget that perfect as a concept is an abstract ideal, one that can change daily.
When you lead your life expected to be graded for everything you do, you're setting yourself
up for disappointment, dissolution and endless frustration.
By now we know that the reasons behind any act of self sabotage vary, though the culprit
is usually a relationship or imprint from long ago.
It could be a fixed and internalized belief about ourselves or an exaggerated need for control.
Perfectionists have both these traits in spades.
The downside being that their perfectionism leaves them more vulnerable than most people
to anxiety, depression and escapist habits like drinking and drugs.
Taking aim and shipping away at our own self sabotage means beginning to collaborate
with our own brains, and that means delving deep into the root causes of whatever self sabotaging
behavior is creating problems in your daily life or getting in the way of things you hope
to accomplish.
Here are three ways to get closer to the roots of your own self sabotaging behavior.
Step 1.
In this journey is self compassion.
This can be a tough one for self sabotage to accept.
By their very definition, procrastinators, perfectionists, chronically late self deprecating
people are already extremely hard on themselves.
Many have grown impatient with their own behavior and some even believe they're beyond repair.
I'm terrible at love and relationships, they think.
Or I'm hopeless at work and will never amount to anything.
But if you read between the lines, would they really communicating is that their best behaviors
are misaligned with what they really want and they don't know what to do about it?
If someone tells you they're beyond fixing or they're given up, most of the time they're
doubling down on the original feeling or injury they experienced as children that they're
now trying to avoid as adults.
This is where self compassion comes in.
Instead of telling yourself that it's too late or you're never going to change or something
is wrong with you and unfixable, why not try to picture yourself as a little kid?
A four foot tall, 95 pound bundle of love and energy who in between discovering new things
about the world is also absorbing messages from parents, siblings, friends, extended family
members, teachers and classmates.
A child new to the world whose feelings are easily hurt and who is doing everything in
their limited power to understand and defend themselves against a world that can sometimes
seem overwhelming and unkind.
Remember too that they were born with a brain whose job it is on one hand to motivate
them to seek rewards and on the other to avoid stress, hurt, injury and disappointment.
Show your inner child some compassion, treat them with as much patience, empathy and
understanding as you can.
In a way possibly you wish someone had treated you back then.
As you start pinpointing the possible reasons why you and your goals got misaligned, remember
that your brain is on your side and the two of you need to work together and then watch
as everything you've always wanted and I mean really wanted starts making greater sense
and that by making peace with feelings you've spent a lifetime running away from you're
able to soar to levels you've always told yourself you wanted but never thought possible.
Thanks for tuning in and listening, I'm always in your corner and forever rooting for you.
If you love this episode you'll love my interview with Dr. Gabo Mateh on understanding your
trauma and how to heal emotional wounds to start moving on from the past.
Everything in nature grows only where it's vulnerable so a tree doesn't grow where it's
hard and thick does it it goes where it's soft and green and vulnerable.
If you do one nice thing for yourself today you'll feel pretty good but imagine how
you'd feel if you did 19,000 nice things for yourself.
19,000 makes a big difference that's why now supplements performs 19,000 tests every
month to ensure you get the highest quality supplements at the best price possible.
Like their vegan non-geom-o clinically validated common focus with zembrin and Gabo supplement.
Now supplements 19,000 reasons to feel good spending less.
Find more at nowfoods.com forward slash purpose.
Sometimes life can seem hard and tough to navigate but what may seem like the smallest task
such as getting out of bed or even brushing your teeth should be celebrated as a win.
And state farm is here to help you celebrate all your wins.
The state farm personal price plan helps you create an affordable price just for you.
Talk to the state farm agent today to learn how you can bundle and save with the personal
price plan. Like a good neighbor, state farm is there.
Prices are based on rating plans that vary by state.
Covered options are selected by the customer.
Availability amount of discounts and savings and eligibility vary by state.
Starting the journey to feeling great every day means adding some mindfulness to your daily
routine. Like taking a breather with quick meditation, nurturing your mind with positive
affirmations and looking after your mental wellness.
Now let's translate that holistic approach to oral care.
Colgate Total Plac Pro Release helps prevent oral health problems like gingivitis and cavities.
Before they start, it lifts away plaque for two times less gum harming plaque versus
regular fluoride toothpaste with twice daily brushing for six months.
With Colgate Total Plac Pro release, you'll be well on your way to good oral health and
a healthy lifestyle.
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