Hi, welcome back to Eat Your Cress Podcast. I'm Crystal. I'm G-Soo and I'm I
Welcome back I the last time she was on the podcast with us was episode
171
Relationship Self versus Single Self this one was a popular episode and I feel like we explored a lot of ourselves in this one
So definitely check it out if you haven't listened to it already and to start off this episode we have a
Gen Z phrase of the week
the phrase is
Is
Blank in the room with us now?
This one is pretty interesting at first when I saw this
I thought this was some reference to an M&M song or something
I
Don't even know why that's a millennial statement right? I
Think I was thinking of what is it? It's like who's the real slum shady or something?
Oh, I don't know why but that's what immediately where my mind went the first time I ever read this phrase
But it is its own phrase and the meaning behind it is
Basically calling out oh you claim that this thing is here, but is it?
Actually here like I don't see it essentially so I'm sorry. That's like not the best explanation
I feel like it's best understood when you see it being used out in the wild I
Guess like one example very rudimentary example would be like
If someone's on tiktok and they're kind of doing story time my friends and I were doing this blah blah blah
And people don't believe the story then they could comment like oh are your friends in the room with us right now?
Yeah, I feel like another kind of example that I've seen is
Someone was doing some sort of remodeling project and then she was like I'm remodeling this
Fireplace to use some sort of like specific method
Let's pretend it was called the wash method or some shit and then I guess the results of how the fireplace came out wasn't the wash method at all
So then all the comments were like is the wash method in the room with us right now
Yeah, I think it's really funny because it really just like calls out sometimes like misused words or like
misdefined words or even just bad takes
Sometimes but I was looking at the origin of this on know your meme calm our favorite website and it says a
possible origin of this can be dated back all the way to
2000 in season 11 of the Simpsons where
Marge is interrogated by a panel of doctors and
After they hear her pray under her breath
The doctor is like this God is he in the room right now
Yeah, there's something so like horror movie
Ask about the joke when they do the Ouija boards in horror movies
They're always kind of like oh are you in the room with us right now?
Okay, there's something like that so I wonder if it's based on that but I think because I'm always kind of recalling that horror movie
Sequence when someone says this it sort of reminds me of
Another line from horror movies, which is oh the call is coming from inside of the house
Like do everyone people used to say that that was more of when people were being hypocritical in their claims
But I remember that one was pretty funny too. I remember the movie that sparked that too
It's like some movie about the killer being inside the home
But also for this phrase I feel like I've only ever seen it in like comment form
I've never heard someone say it in real life
Mm-hmm. It's always just like comments kind of bagging on like the original poster
I'm gonna look for the right opportunity now
Not that I'm educated with these Gen Z terms
Yeah, I agree though. I think this phrase is low-key so funny
But I think it's most appropriate in like text form. I feel like when you're texting someone too
It's like funny, but then if someone were to say it in real life. Maybe it might be too long as soon as they say is
Something and I'm like oh, they're gonna say the room with us right now and the joke is overall ready internally
Okay, maybe I shouldn't try to find out protein. We just say it. Hello fast
Is in the room with us right now?
Yeah, that was pretty good. I got a practice
Well
We'll try to see if for the rest of this episode
I can slip in a is X in the room with us right now a joke. Okay. That's my challenge
I'm pretty excited to jump into the topic today, which is
self-esteem and confidence. I think these two are
For the most parts synonymous, but I do kind of feel like there's a difference between the words a little bit
So let's start by talking about what the difference is between self-esteem and confidence to you guys
I kind of view self-esteem as how you view yourself and then confidence is like how much you believe in yourself
I guess so self-esteem is more rooted in your
Identity maybe and confidence is a little bit about how you perceive your ability to do stuff you think
I guess like self-esteem is almost like your personal evaluation of yourself in my mind. Yeah confidence is like the way
That you go about doing things or like how much you can
Muster up some belief in yourself because I think like self-esteem is maybe more long-term overall and then confidence
You know sometimes you can like muster up some confidence to do something
But like it maybe isn't always consistently there
Yeah, that resonates if we look at self-esteem like the word self is there
So it applies to like your being right versus confidence can be in a particular skill or something like that
Yeah, there's something that seems a little bit more external about the word confidence too
Whether it's the way you are around other people or like how you feel about yourself around other people
But self-esteem feels like something that you may grapple with even when you're by yourself
So then it feels like a lot more internal of a word definitely saying they're pretty
Similar though we're in like the same category
So I just quickly googled the definitions of these terms and it says that self-esteem is how we value and perceive ourselves
And it's based on our opinions and beliefs about ourselves which can feel difficult to change
Hmm, whereas confidence is a feeling of self-assurance arising from one's appreciation of one's own abilities or qualities
Hmm, yeah, I like that. I definitely feel that yeah, the confidence is like a state of being
versus like the self-esteem is almost like a more physical
Group almost of I think the definition was saying like beliefs and opinions about self. Yeah, I agree. I think like self-esteem kind of has that
Deeper meaning sort of like essentially you you have more of that like self-reflection attached to self-esteem
versus confidence is similar to what I said just like a state of being I can agree with that
Yeah, they probably influence each other though in different ways
Mm-hmm like I feel like you can kind of fake confidence, but self-esteem you can't fake
That's a good point
I think in some ways I think of the word self-esteem in like the phrases that it's most used in and I feel like a lot of the times
People are like, oh that person's self-esteem is low
That's like one of the most common usages of the word that I can recall
And it makes me kind of perceive self-esteem as maybe like your friendship with yourself
You know, it's like do you actually like yourself or not because if your self-esteem is low
Then I feel like your relationship with yourself is maybe bad or like in the men's a little bit
But if your self-esteem is high then no matter what external things happen
It doesn't change the way you see yourself or the way you believe in yourself
I see it almost as how you treat yourself and how you choose to think of yourself
Mm-hmm. I think I can agree with that kind of like what we said earlier
You can have confidence in like some of your abilities
But that doesn't necessarily translate to having good self-esteem
Yeah, it's hard because it's almost like chicken and egg because like when you think about
When you feel confident about something there's an underlying belief to that right
Let's say you're confident at snowboarding
So just let's snowboarding if your underlying belief is oh, I'm good at this or like I'm good at learning this
And that is kind of part of self-esteem
But it's obviously not encompassing every aspect of yourself
Yeah, which is why I feel like they're very like tied together
True like the more self-esteem you have the more
whole your confidence is
Yeah, like confidence in every area of yourself
I guess you could start off small by building confidence in different areas of your life and skill set and then
Grow yourself a steam through that potentially. I think that makes sense
I feel like the way I perceive it almost is confidence is
Is sort of the positive side and then self-esteem is almost the negative side and what I mean by that is confidence is always associated with something
Like strong that you have or something strong that you feel like oh, I'm having a good time feeling confident today
Or I feel confident about x y and z
But then self-esteem I feel like is the thing that supports you when the positive stuff goes away
So like if you're having a bad day or if someone
Said to you oh, you're confident about this skill, but I don't think you're good at it for example
Then your self-esteem would be the thing that backs you up and it's like hey, what the hell?
I am so good at it or even if this person thinks I'm bad at something that I'm confident about
I won't let it negatively affect the way I see myself sort of
Hmm. Yeah, I love that
There's like self-esteem there's like self-image
There's like different words to kind of describe this bucket of thing
But definitely self-esteem has like interesting connotation
To the phrase also what Jesus had earlier like self-esteem is often used in
A way to be like oh, maybe this person has low self-esteem
Like it's a little more on the negative side in terms of literal word usage
And I can totally see that because sometimes when someone has high self-esteem instead of saying self-esteem
We say like self-confidence
Yeah, self-confidence also like self-love is another thing
I feel like it's very similar. I don't know self-esteem
Yeah, I feel like usually it is actually associated with the negative right now that I think about it
Okay, well is there anything in particular?
You guys feel like helped grow your self-love self-esteem self-confidence
So for me, I think I have a pretty interesting perception of the word self-esteem because
I feel like it was always something that I really struggled with
I would definitely have moments and for long stretches of time too about feeling really confident
But oftentimes those felt very temporary
So then that's why to me self-esteem is like an even bigger challenge than confidence
Because I think truly it's really hard at least in my experience to grow self-esteem
Sometimes I felt like I was growing just my confidence
And then my self-esteem bucket would still be not filled essentially
So in the last I don't know like 20 years basically
I felt like I was always kind of working on my self-esteem
And what finally helped in my eyes is honestly growing older
I feel like it was something that
No matter what I did felt impossible to grow or improve in my teenage years
Or even in college years
And a lot of it is just I think in those years you're just constantly around
Or like forced to be around many people every single day
Who are exactly your peers exactly your age
And you know competing for a similar spots and stuff
So then it's just hard to really break out of that comparison mindset
But now that I'm older I have my own life
And you kind of start to see how people's lives branch out
And people succeed and thrive in different ways
Not just the one set standard path
I feel like I have a lot less of a problem with my self-esteem
And I'm just so grateful to be living life as like a 27 year old woman
Because it's so much easier than being like a teenager
Or even like a college student age woman I think
Yeah, I feel like I can definitely relate to
Age helping with self-esteem
And I think it's kind of similar to what you said G-Soo
Where as you get older you see the different facets of like success
And how it plays out differently for everyone
And I think along those lines
Seeing myself succeed was also like a self-esteem slash confidence booster
Like seeing your hard work pay off ends up being pretty encouraging
And I think you know taking those wins and really appreciating them
Is helpful because I think it's also very easy to succeed
And then be like okay yeah, but that was expected
And then you know it doesn't help self-esteem at all
Or maybe it's like okay well that's just the baseline
But it's like you know, it's not always like that
If you celebrate each win it just I feel like it's
Better than to always like put yourself down
So I think that kind of helped me
And there was definitely one thing that someone said
That really affected me for a long time
And I sometimes still think about it
But I think it was like a tutor or something
And this guy was like
Yeah, I didn't really go through the conventional school path
He had to like take some years off of school
And like all that kind of stuff just because of a personal or like family stuff
And he was like yeah, and I turned out fine
So at you all the class he was like I believe that you're all
Hardworking and like pretty smart people
So I think that like even if you end up taking an untraditional route
You'll all end up okay
You seem like the type of people who would put in the work
And really figure things out for yourself
So that was like very encouraging
And I think it left a deep impression on me
Because I was like wow this person like really believes in us
And also this person is living proof of success in a less traditional path
Wow that's some good parenting right there
Damn but they weren't even my parents
It was the tutor
For me it's like a very internal thing
And it stems from my meditation practice
And kind of all the personal development stuff that I consume in practice
I feel like I have made a lot of hard decisions in the last few years
Including like changing careers completely
Quitting my nine to five
Starting a business
And those have all put me in spaces where the limiting beliefs come up
Right and those are like thoughts that
Are low confidence and low self esteem
And I really have to notice them
Day to day and shift them essentially
And I kind of know that this will never end
Because I know that I will never be satisfied with like the status quo
There's this thing called like the terror barrier
That Bob Proctor talks about
And every time like you said a really high goal
You're gonna hit this barrier
Because it's going against like everything
That you believe yourself to be
Right for example right now I'm starting a creative studio
I've been in this industry for maybe one year
Like actually
It's like at game and xr
Creative studio
So I'm hitting a lot of limiting beliefs
I don't have enough skills
I have no idea how to do this
Like how am I gonna land any clients
Like all this kind of stuff
So in the future if I'm launching my own product
Or like fundraising money
There's always gonna be a higher barrier
Which is why it's really important for me
To be able to notice those thoughts
That are
You know channeling into self esteem
And confidence
And then changing them
And it was interesting when you brought up like that high school example
Because I recently like went to and finished grad school
Right and I felt feelings
I haven't felt since like college basically
Because it was the exact same environment
Of we're all doing like different
But very similar things in interactive media art
And it was kind of this like little bubble
Right and now I'm doing a residency
Where you know there's like around a hundred of us
But I'm probably
One of the like very few people like
Five people who are like early stages of their art career
So again it's a lot of that imposter syndrome
And thoughts of like
Oh I'm not as accomplished
Not as good as these people that I need to change
It's a very moment to moment thing
I think it's crazy because like when I was in my marketing career
I never experienced imposter syndrome ever
But now I have so many more times
I think it's because I'm actually doing something I care about
Yeah
And it's just like wow
Then like wow
People have this feeling it sucks
Terrible
I hate being not confident
Oh my god yeah
I think also another layer to art in particular
Is that it's pretty subjective
So sometimes it's easy to be like
Oh shoot like
I have no idea what people would think about this
Because it's like a little more on the subjective side
Yeah you really have to like
Know yourself essentially
And I think also love the process
For you to like
Be in the field and kind of like shift that mindset from like
Outcome oriented to like process oriented
So there's like a lot of little I think things and techniques that I've used
I feel like when you're put in a situation where
It's very easy to compare yourself to other people
That's when your self-esteem is like truly challenged
And one of the reasons why I feel like it's
Gone better for me now that I'm
Removed from school
Is you can't really compare your life to someone else's
In your like late 20s I think
Because you definitely can when you're like 18
Right like you compare the college that you're going to
To the college that someone else is going to essentially
But in your late 20s I feel like everyone starts to kind of
Hone in on their biggest priorities in life and what they value
And everyone has a different value set than other people
Right so then I feel like now at this age
When I see someone else who's say more successful in their career
For example
I am not necessarily like wildly jealous of that anymore
And I'm more so like oh well I curated
Maybe these other things or I really wanted to prioritize
These other things in my life
So then that's why my life is different from this other persons
For example
It's no longer like a one-to-one comparison
Which makes it so much easier
But I can totally see how in grad school or in residency
Where it's almost like a direct competition
Kind of environment
Those feelings would stir up again
That's like a great mindset to have though
And I would want to channel more of that in my own life
I think taking like a more non-traditional route
I see a lot of my creative friends
I think struggle with sort of like
Especially like the Asian ones
You know like
Don't have a normal job
We're not married
Don't have kids
Yeah and I think kind of along this line
Of comparing yourself less with people around you
I think I kind of noticed that it felt better
To not compare myself to other people
As I was like growing up and going through
High school and college
So I kind of embraced that a little bit
Where I was like
Oh okay well
Maybe it's better that I don't
You know just do what everyone else is doing
Mindlessly I guess
Especially when I knew that I had an interest in
A different subject
Then like you know what our parents want us to do
Or like what the typical like Asian-American stem route is
So I think I kind of embraced that
And it felt good because one I was like
Oh this is kind of nice because there's less pressure around me
Because there's less people to directly compare myself with
Or even like have other people compare me with
And then also it was like
Oh well I like doing this too
So focusing on that joy helps reduce
Like constantly beating yourself up
Over like comparisons and things like that
Yeah I think that's really key
Like the emotional aspect of it right
Like when I have a thought
I see its impact on my emotional state
And that's how I know if it's benefiting me
Or not benefiting me
Because you know when you're in that comparison mind
That obviously does not feel good
And not feeling good
I mean there's so many things that not feeling good
That's the impact not
But for first and foremost
You probably want to be happier
So making that choice of like
Being proud yourself no matter what the outcome is
I think it's like a combination of those little choices
That you make that overall
Change your general emotional outlook
And self-esteem
And I feel like on the flip side too
It's also what kind of big choices that you make as well
So like every day you kind of
Choose what sort of thoughts filter into your head
And what you choose to keep and give power to
But I feel like if the big actions that you make
Or the big choices that you make in life
Are also choices that you are happy to make
Or that you choose to make to show up for yourself
Or do something for yourself
Then I feel like yourself esteemed grows significantly more
Then if you're kind of letting yourself get
Pulled one direction or another without your own choice
And it basically
So then I feel like it really is a combination of
The big actions and like the daily small choices
Yeah totally
In personal development slash manifestation
I suppose
There's like thoughts, emotions, and then the action
Like without action nothing will actually manifest
But a lot of times what drives the action
Is the emotions and the thoughts
So it's like all very interconnected right
And as you continue to make the actions
That are supporting the new emotions
And thoughts and beliefs that you want to think and believe
And feel
Then you start changing your life and becoming
This person who is more confident and has more self-esteem
Another thing that I think has helped me
Is having very short term goals
As in like probably still having some long term goals
But really focusing on the now
What can I do now?
So like I was saying
Taking that action
And then celebrating those small wins
And then before you know it
You kind of reach that long term goal
Versus like if you're always just focus on the long term goal
And like what's
A waiting for you in the future
Then it's a constant battle right
Because you're like oh when will I
Achieve this big huge goal
Versus like I'm so proud of myself
I like did this today
And it's bringing me one step closer
To this bigger goal that I have in mind
So I think really shifting your mindset there
To focus on the smaller
What can I do now things
Versus always looking into like not now
So like the future or whatever
I think that's a really good point
It's like setting yourself up
Many success milestones
So that you're constantly sort of relishing
And that feeling of success
Instead of the binary of like
No I haven't achieved my goal this entire time
And then yes I have achieved my goal
I love that and I even do that like on a daily basis
With the smallest things
If I met you today
Like fuck yeah
I'm so proud of myself
Or like you know if I stretch for 10 minutes
Then like let's go that's something that I did today
I think like really focusing on the daily things
And like also
Okay in this moment like what are the choices I'm making that
I am taking care of myself with
Or are making me happy
Those are really important choices too
So celebrating those as well
And like something I've been doing lately
Just thinking about what I'm actually doing every day
That's making me happy
Versus what I'm thinking is making me happy
Which a lot of times is connected to this
Long-term future projected goals
Yeah
You know which is like a clear way to be unhappy
Is to constantly feel that gap between where you are now
And where you are in the future
Exactly
It's like it's always easier said than done though
Because it's kind of like the idea of worrying constantly
You're like you're worrying about something in the future
And you can't really do anything about it now except worry
But like it's hard to let go of that sometimes
You have to be like really vigilant of those thoughts
That are making you unhappy
And I remember like last semester
I was like doing my thesis not semester
Last year
I was doing my thesis project
And I felt like so much just like
Stressing Zidie at one point
I was just like dude I don't not give a shit about my project anymore
Like I just need to be happy
And like it was that kind of moment of extreme
Discomfort and dissatisfaction
That pushed me into a new direction
So I think that happens to a lot of people
A lot of times it's called like the dark night of the soul
Where you finally decide to make a different decision for yourself
Hmm
I like that
I think that makes a lot of sense too
Because it's like the turning point
Or like something that's like snapping you out of it
You're like wait what am I even doing here
Like I don't care about this
Yeah
Totally
I mean like ideally you start to change before that happens
But sometimes you can't help but to get better
Yeah exactly us humans and our silly patterns
Actually so I've been trying this new thing recently
Where I just become completely like delusional almost
And it's a really funny and like fun technique
I don't want to say pretend to become someone else
I need to like become someone else
So like for example I was like surfing
And I don't know why I'm just eating so much shit
For like a full hour and a half into my surf session
And I was observing my thoughts right
And they were just so negative
I was like man everyone's look at me
I'm so embarrassed
Like I've surfed so many times before
I do not know what is happening
Am I even going to catch a wave today
Like all this shit
And then all of a sudden I'm like
Dude I cannot
This energy is why
I am not catching a wave
So I literally pretended I was a pro surfer
And I look at people and I'm like
I'm better than you
I'm better than you
I'm like
You suck
I'm a pro surfer
I literally just started repeating those thoughts
in my head instead
To like flip
Right because I just like could not say
That negative energy for
Anymore and I kid you not
Within the next like 10 minutes
I figured out why I was eating shit
And then I like caught most of the ways after that
And that was just like kind of a crazy experience for me
Of like
Holy shit when I'm in this negative
Mind state or like
tying it back to confidence and self-esteem
When I'm in this like negative confidence state
Like I cannot see a new path forward
When I switch my mindset to becoming a pro surfer
There's obviously a problem that I need to solve here
With like serving
Like it's not because I suck
I just have some sort of like wrong technique
Right
Boom saw like two women with like same size surfboard
Same size as me
Realized I was too forward on my surfboard
It was such like easy thing to solve after that
So since that experience
I've been like
Trying it with a lot of different things
And it's been really fun actually
Just like being like delusional
But self-aware that you're being delusional
It's like your brainwashing yourself kind of
Yeah basically
You're just becoming a different person
Yeah essentially
I think I've actually done similar things too
And some of it is from survival mode
So like recently I went skiing
And I was going down this bloom
That blue was probably like the hardest
Course that I had skied that weekend
Going down it
I had to like if I wanted to make it down in one piece
I had to like talk myself through it
So then I was like okay I can do this
I can do this
Like you're not gonna die
The worst is you're gonna fall
Just turn here
Like I was literally like coaxing myself down the mountain
Essentially
And then I was like holy shit
This is crazy growth for me
Because one of the things that my therapist had first said to me
When we started our sessions together
Was she was like I don't know why you talked to yourself like that
And I was like oh what do you mean
She's like anytime you describe yourself
Or like talk about yourself
You use such negative words
And I feel like it really puts you
In this state of self-defense
Or kind of like putting yourself down
And she's like it's gonna render you like immobile basically
So like you have to kind of talk to yourself like a friend
And then I realized that maybe the therapy is fucking working
Because you know me seeing
Down this mountain pre-therapist
I feel like I would have been like oh my god I can't do this
I'm gonna cry I can't do this
Like this is so hard
Why did James or whoever like take me down this mountain
But now I was like able to kind of talk myself through it
Like I would a friend
So then I feel like there is oftentimes like a power
To words and a power to the attitude
Because negativity like you said I could like totally blind you
And it could block you from being like even just
Baseline rational essentially
Totally once you notice that voice in your head
You're like oh wait
Actually I don't want to say what you
You're like shut up
You're like wait pause I actually
I don't want to think that about muscle
Or like about like situations about other people
So I think yeah it's that moment of self-awareness
And then deciding like okay I'm actually gonna like treat myself differently
Or perceive myself in a different way
And that will make a huge huge difference
Yeah
I'm reflecting on like my personal inner voice
And I think I have this funny thing
Where sometimes in like more dire or tense situations
I actually talk to myself in second person
So it's more like oh it's all good crystal
Like we can do this we'll pull through
And I feel like that kind of helps sometimes
Because it's like oh shit we're a team
But it's actually just me
Yeah I love that
You are a team with your inner being
It gives a sense of like togetherness maybe
Like oh actually I'm not in this by myself
Although you totally are
But like you know just that
Like you said the power of words
It feels more
Yeah we got this like let's go through this
Personally I believe in higher self
Which is like your divine version of yourself
That's like always guiding you
So like when you were talking about
Talking yourself in like second person
I was thinking about that
Like you acting as your higher self
Guiding your human self perhaps
To a better place
All right I like that more
It makes total sense though
Like I also refer to myself
In the second person sometimes
And then it just makes sense
Because I'm me right
But then I feel like myself
Like that one is like a different part of me
Like it's not the same thing as me itself
Like the person who's talking
But then I feel like there are two different things
And sometimes it almost feels like
My body is like a tomogotchi or something
And then I'm like I need a control
Like I'm just like the avatar in my physical vessel
And I need to like do stuff to like
Make sure it goes out and get some sun
Or get some exercise or drink water
So it's kind of funny to think about it in that way
Oh my god that is funny
See now we're getting real spiritual
Who are we really
Dude all those games in our childhood
Tomogotchi like the 10 dogs
It was just training us to take care of ourselves
In the future
Oh my gosh
What do you think are like your biggest
Maybe triggers or like obstacles
That make you feel low self esteem
My bouts of low self esteem
Typically come from one thing
So I have always kind of grappled with
Feeling low self esteem about my weight
And that's been like an ongoing journey
Like my entire life
And I don't think it's exclusive to me
Like I think it's relatively common
Especially for a lot of women when
You know the era we grew up
There were always those magazine covers up
Like this person gained weight
And you know like this person looks fat
So then I think a lot of that negative association
With our weight was kind of maybe built into our childhood in a sense
But any time I have weight fluctuations
For example
It really messes with my self esteem
And this actually kind of goes both ways
So I feel like there's times where I wake up
And I feel very thin
And I'm like oh my god
I often call those days like my Kanye days
Or like you know I'm like in my Kanye era
And the times where I feel really confident about my body
But there of course times where I wake up
And I don't feel that way
So then I think those things always kind of shake up my confidence
And it's really tough to kind of break it
I think like break this mentality
And I think I actually have made some really big strides over the last couple of years
But it I think stems from trying not to hold
Negative thoughts about my character
Based on how the numbers of my weight looks like
Or based on how my body looks like
Everyone can have weight fluctuations
And everyone can have times where they feel more confident in their physical appearance
But that doesn't mean on days where I feel low confidence in my physical appearance
I'm like a shitty person
You know
I always just need to like make that line in between those things
But of course it's definitely hard
Yeah I feel like that's such a common insecurity that a lot of people have
Especially because our world is so
People always try to kind of like cover up
But like I think our society is very very like
Externally like you know like physically driven
Or physical looks driven
We can't help it sometimes
Because that's kind of just like what we see right
And then based off that
It's just really easy to go down the path of like making judgments
Or you know not seeing the full picture
But like jumping to conclusions
And I feel like it messes with a lot of people
Especially like if you think about how there's so many like filters on social media
And people have been kind of calling it out more and more where they're like
Oh my god
Some of these filters are insane
Like people just fucking wake up put on a filter
They don't even have to like you know and just make something look perfect
And that's just so unreal
But that's what people end up seeing
And then it creates like all this like potential dysmorphia and stuff
It's like it's such a crazy thing and I feel like
It's definitely like very understandable to have fluctuating self-esteem in regards to that
I feel like also a big theme is like
A lot of Asian Americans with immigrant parents
They all kind of share a similar value of
Skinnyness among like women especially
And I feel like that kind of fucks with us too from a young age
I think we talked about it before on the podcast where
Parents are sometimes like oh my god like you got fatter
Or like oh I can tell you gained weight
Like you need to be skinnier
But then like the next day they're like you'll eat more
And you're like what the fuck do you want me to do?
While y'all were talking
I was just thinking about like the specific triggers that like
Influence that and I think like media is a huge one
Which is why I don't fuck with like
I don't fuck with like Instagram and TikTok especially because I feel like
That part of self-esteem is really heavily perpetuated on that
And I immediately can feel the influence on it like
Day to day you know and I've also had those moments of like waking up
And just feeling like it's a skinny day or like a not so skinny day or whatever
And like how I'm perceiving that as like good or bad
And I'm like whoa
What's happening?
We're in the matrix
You know it's just like it's like crazy
Because those thoughts are formed by these like triggers and things that we see in society
Right?
And it's not actually me thinking that again
So I think like removing those media sources for my life
Has really really really helped me a lot
And also just like realizing when I do look at myself in the mirror
And think those thoughts it does not fucking feel good
Like I can feel it straight in my body
I'm like really hyper aware of my emotions and the feelings by body
And I know that is like to the exact like detriment of it
So in those moments I really try to shift and like I'm obviously not perfect at it
But I'm grateful that I have that awareness now of like oh shit
I just thought the thought of me not looking great looking at the mirror
And now I feel pit in my stomach like wow that sucks
Like I don't want to be like I don't want to live my life that way essentially
Yeah there's actually a lot of really interesting things that I feel like
Have felt small in the moment
But have really changed the way that I look at food
And like appearance and things like that
One of it is something that I sometimes struggle with is like binge eating
So you know there are those weeks where maybe you were really good about eating all week
And I don't want to fix like a value to how well someone eats
But let's say I was eating pretty healthy so like chicken breast and salad and whatnot
But there are also those moments where I'm like okay I just want to eat chips and like ice cream and cookies
For example so I used to look at those moments and be like oh why the fuck did I eat so much
Or like why did I do that and it would be like a purely negative moment for me
It would almost be like a moment of weakness but a couple months ago James said something like
Oh I read this study that after you you know say binge or like eat a lot of carbs or something
You have like a really good workout the next day
And then I feel like something so simple like that
Just like completely transformed the ways that I see like those quote-unquote
moments of weakness where I was like I don't have to see this as like
Oh why did I binge like I shouldn't have done that
This was so horrible and shameful I can just see it I was like okay
Well I kind of indulged last night
But now I'm gonna have like a really good workout at the gym
And this is like feel for my body
And it seems so simple but I feel like it completely changed the way that I look at food
It changed the way that I look at my like late-night cravings
And it helps me not like ruin an entire day anymore
Mm-hmm
I like that
So you saw the belief that was making you feel like shit and then you changed it
Right
It's like so simple but also like not you know like you really have to notice
Those moments of like right and I think in how is that making me feel or how's influencing my life
And then like what can I change it to
And I feel like also when you look at it the next day and you're like oh my god why
I do this it's in a way taking away from your happy moment earlier too
Because I'm sure when you're eating the chips you're like oh my god this is fucking delicious
Like I'm so glad I ate this because I really wanted to right
And then the next day you're like oh shame on me
Like I shouldn't have done that
Maybe like recognizing that you're taking away or like you're
Almost shaming yourself for being happy is like
So it's the thing that you need to change
Yeah I think that's a good point
I feel like a lot of times there's just like moments in life
I think one thing that was causing me like really bad anxiety was
The way that I was chaining those moments
And chaining them to like mean something like oh I did this and then I did this so therefore it must mean that
Mean x about my character or it means that I have no work at the or it means I have no you know self control or whatever
But I feel like you don't always have to
Affix some sort of like meaning to things like things can just live in like the bubble in the moment
And it doesn't have to be like a whole chain of like okay this
Sequence of five events means that I'm this kind of a person
I feel like it doesn't have to be so deep sometimes yeah for sure. I think that really
Will fuck you up
And like going through a career change and like
Working kind of in a new career. I've definitely had those moments where I feel like you know an outcome is
From a result of like a personal character
By realize that's entirely not true and because I'm going to like believe that it's not true, right?
So it really I think is a decision to to not
associate those external events to your internal character
Mm-hmm. I feel like it's still pretty hard though sometimes I still wake up in a cold sweat
I'm like fuck why I do that shit 10 years ago
Well, what if you believed it was easy? I guess that's true
What feels better believing that it's hard or believing that it's easy?
That's what I'm saying everything is a mind game y'all
And you got to master your own mind game. That's a good point
I feel like something that's helped me a lot too is like
Joking about things or just like trying to take things in a very lighthearted way
Like I feel like things that used to feel so cringe and heavy to me like once I joke about it
It's just like a funny story
Now instead of being like oh god, I'm such an awkward and cringe person
I'm like oh this is like another
Memory I could add to like the story bank of funny stories
And it makes things feel so much less heavy. That's how comedians are born. Oh my god
Future comedian
Just working on my set
Can't wait for you to join Netflix
Oh, yeah
So then do you guys think that having
I guess varying levels of confidence in the day to day is normal and I guess to what extent does it feel normal to have these swings
Yeah, I feel like it's pretty normal for sure. I think confidence can fluctuate
Depending on like what I'm doing in the moment because kind of like I said in the beginning
I associate confidence more in specific areas versus like the whole
So I think if I'm doing something new sometimes I have a little bit less confidence
But there is the kind of thing that you said gsu as well earlier in the episode where like yourself a steam back
See you up where it's like oh shoot, you know, I don't know anything about this
But you know, I believe in myself. I think I'll be able to catch on so I think like it's pretty normal to have like
confidence fluctuate depending on what activity you're doing
I think there's like seasons
For sure, but the important part is what we talked earlier like how do you kind of combat it or how do you like regain that confidence and that self-esteem
And that makes all the difference
So essentially the recover ability I guess
Yeah, the recover ability of your confidence
Well, this is kind of silly maybe but I think this can really show sometimes in like gaming so
Oh one interesting thing I saw was in this one game this professional team
They actually have a psychologist for their team
Who helps hype them up he's essentially kind of like their hype man
So in between like these matches or rounds or whatever
Let's say like they lose the first one the psychologist comes in during the team huddle and he's like hey guys
I know we lost that game, but you're doing so well like you're hitting all your shots
The calls that you're making are amazing, but the other team just kind of outstratigized us this time
But like keep a smile on your face like remember you're so good
Stop thinking about the other team beating you think more like oh, I'm so good like focus more on yourself versus like these external things
And then after he did that in like the most recent tournament
They literally came back and they won the next two matches to win like the best two out of three
So I thought that was like really powerful to see
Yeah, the mindset is so key and I think esports and like regular athletes
And I heard like one of the reasons tennis is really difficult is because you can't talk to like a coach on the on the court
So like it just goes to show like how much of a mental game like everything is
I think the faster your confidence recovery time is the easier time you'll have in life
Probably probably yeah
Yeah, like think about it if like someone says something negative about you or like you make a mistake at work
Think about the difference if it would be if it took you a few weeks to bounce back versus a few days versus a couple of hours
Those three instances are completely different people essentially true
And you're gonna be making different decisions in each of those scenarios going back to esports if you
Lost that first match and then you felt unsure about your decisions
The play would be different because you'd be taking different types of risks in those situations
Yeah, exactly
And I feel like this can totally apply to just like regular day-to-day stuff too
Like you don't have to be a pro at anything
To like you know try to change this mindset
Sometimes if I'm playing games with friends and then we just like lose a bunch of games
We're kind of like okay, you know, let's just like step away for tonight
Like that's good for tonight. We'll do a mental resale play again tomorrow. We'll be happy
And no no need to like try to chase that win. Oh my god actually this has happened to us in college me
G-Soo and our other college friends
Sometimes we would play like league
We'd be like oh shoe we keep losing like we can't end on a loss
Like we have to keep playing to be with
But sometimes like you're just on a lot like losing streak and you just can't help it right
So sometimes we would end up playing into like five a.m. or something and we're just like oh man
Like so
Why don't we do that? Yeah in the end it's like oh why do we do that?
We could have easily just like stepped away and just had a great time the next day
There's this woman called Abraham Hicks
And she talks about like how you have like negative momentum and positive momentum
And when you have negative momentum and you can literally like you can't stop those feelings of negativity or those thoughts and negativity
She's like yo just like go to fucking bed. You know tomorrow's a new day
Sometimes it's just too hard to stop that negative momentum
No for real like just don't like tomorrow you will actually feel better. So I felt like that was a really good example of that
Oh my god. Yes, I think that is so true like honestly
It's okay to stop sometimes and just be like let me just take a reset like a break or whatever
True, this is not the momentum
And I think that applies to thoughts also when you're in like this crazy like spiral or like negative thought mindset
Sometimes it's really hard to shift that and it's better should just do something to completely take it off your mind
Right or to just sleep it off go to bed and realize that like tomorrow
You can like start a new with these feelings and thoughts of like self-esteem and confidence. Yeah
Like sometimes even at work if I'm feeling like
really
infused or like down about a project or something
I'll just be like fuck it like I'll just take an early lunch, you know
Just like go distract myself feel happy after eating then come back and be like okay, well, you know
Restart this or whatever
Totally I feel like sometimes when I'm in that negative thought spiral though
I'll like have a conversation with James and then I realize like how bad the spiral was
It really truly takes like an external source for me personally because I'm kind of like a external thinker
I have to be able to bounce my ideas off of someone recently. I was having this negative thought spiral about something at work
And I was like oh my god. Yeah, believe this happened. What am I gonna do?
You know, and I was just kind of going down this list of this person will be negatively affected and like this will happen
And this is like a whole list of like negative things essentially
And James was like dude who cares like mistakes happen all the time other people make mistakes you make mistakes
It's like completely normal and it doesn't have to negatively affect
You're like personal life basically like or like negatively affect the way you see yourself as a person
I feel like when I talk to someone really positive
I'm always like mind blown by the way that they're able to think about life because
With James specifically, I mean you guys know so well, but we've talked about on this podcast about how he celebrates his wins
Really big and he's like not very impacted by the losses that he goes through in life
That's something that I try to think about a lot like I'm always trying to channel like my inner male energy
Of like dude a guy go about oh my gosh
So I talked about this with my friend all the time because we have this mutual friend
We're both like Asian women and we have this white male friend and he's just so damn confident
We're like holy shit
This is how he gets things like like things that he wants in his life and we're always like yo
We got a channel his energy
We let's be white men
No, we're in our white men
Yeah, we are in our white
Wait, I saw the funniest TikTok the other day, which is kind of in line with this
This girl she asks like oh, what would you wish for if there was a genie, but you can't wish for like more money
And then this one girl was like oh, I would wish for whatever I wanted to happen to happen basically, right?
And then everyone's like oh, that's pretty good
And then her friend suddenly goes oh wait no like there's one problem like don't you sometimes wish that you were dead
That would happen right and then she was like no
Like I've never thought about that
That's so crazy all the comments were like
Why did I relate to the friend who said what if you wish you were dead and not the one who was like so
Innocently like I've never thought that before
Oh my god
Dude, but yeah the fucking white male energy is hard to be like I worked with some pretty
Interesting people
But I try to look at like their qualities of like what put them in that place
And a lot of times is just straight up like confidence like can you not?
Yeah, yeah, even like how good they are at their job is literally because they like believe that they can and I'm like I know
like like and it's totally that mindset of like I've never understood when people are like oh
If you want something just like ask for it. I'm like what do you mean?
Like that goes against every fiber of my fucking being. Oh my god
But then I feel like in
Professional settings or just in life on fucking linked infeeds
You see that manifestation or like you see what that does for people and I'm like
Maybe I should just do that like just ask for shit that I want crazy idea
But I think a lot of it comes back down to like
Truly that like self esteem or like confidence or the way you
See yourself or the way you see what you deserve almost. It's like there's this phrase in Korean where it talks about like
You're kudit which is like your dish. It's like your dish is really big
Which means you're like able to receive things or like you're able to like
Receive or like call out or like
Handle bigger things if you're like dishes bigger
And I feel like I need to constantly think about like
Making my dish bigger and bigger. Oh
I really like that phrase slash analogy because it's so true like if you don't believe you're worthy of it
Then you're not gonna get it right even if someone hands it to you on a platter
You're gonna be like oh shit. I can't handle this or like oh wait
I'm actually not good enough for this and like you're gonna push it away
So I feel like a lot of the core is working on like yourself worthiness. Yeah. Oh my god
I attended this woman's panel at work once and they talked about how a lot of women
See a job description and they want to feel like they fulfill
90 to a hundred percent of the job description
Before they apply but men see like 10% and they're like okay. I'm applying. Oh my god
It's like some crazy like low number, you know, and they'll just be like
Okay, you know what I have like one or two of these things. So fuck I'll just apply
And so on that panel they were like yeah, we encourage you to think of more like men like fuck it dude. Just apply
So to like channel your inner white man
But it is so fucking true holy shit
I guess that is like generations of destroying our self-esteem
Yeah, totally time for that reversal. Yeah
Oh, sometimes when I'm in those moments of like hesitation of like oh, do I
Ask for this or do not or like do I you know talk to this person or not
I think of like the people in my life who are super confident
And if they would do it or not and how they would approach it go like okay
If I'm this person like how would I go about it and that is super helpful because removing what I think of myself
From the situation and being like who is like someone that I admire or
That I would want to be in terms of confidence like what would they do in that situation?
Ultimately if I want to get there like I would have to do the same thing, you know
It takes a bit of time to I think cultivate that readiness
But like once you do reach that point like it's up to you to take that action for sure
That's that's like such a crazy concept
I think I do something similar where I'm like what would this person do
But I never thought about it as a way of like removing myself from the situation
And it's really interesting because it kind of to me points to like how much
We or at least I let myself or the way that I perceive myself like guide my decisions
But when you think about it like the difference between you and like the person that you respect the most is not that big
I mean yes like the cultural background like the context the history of your life all of that yes
Yes, yes, but at the end of the day the decision making is still like the same
It's like a choice and it's crazy to think that it's because I'm there that I choose to do these things
But if I channel someone else like my decision making is way significantly different
Exactly if you think about like you versus like someone else it's literally all those decisions
And there's this thing called like quantum leaping in the personal development world
And it's basically like if you are here at what you perceive as point A and you want to be at point B
This I don't know super successful
blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah
You need to think about what that person would be doing and thinking and acting
And literally do what that person's doing
You will get there way faster than like if you tried really hard essentially
You with like your current
thoughts and
perceptions and beliefs would have to take a lot of time and effort to get over there
Versus if you change your thoughts and beliefs and whatever first
You'd make totally different decisions that would then get you there a lot faster hence the quantum leap
Oh
Yeah, that makes total sense and that's basically what you said earlier right like kind of brain
washing yourself into being like I'm this other person
I'm you know this poster for or whatever and this is
How they would think this is like what I need to be doing kind of goes back to like what Jesus was saying earlier
I was like okay, you have like you and then you have like your personality or like your perception of yourself
once you realize that
That personality and perception of yourself is completely mutable
And it's actually you the real use decision how to mute change that then you're like oh fuck
I can be anyone
And like it becomes more of like fun and less burdensome process right
Compared to completely enveloping yourself into this thought of who you think you are true
You take off a lot of those limiters. Yeah, like if you are really wrapped up into some idea of I'll give a personal example like
If I think that I've been doing marketing my whole life. I'm just a marketer
You know like this perception limits me to this the ability to do this one thing versus all the other things I could do
Writing entrepreneurship are all this kind of stuff and I even feel this way with identifying myself as an artist
Then I'm like, but what if I want to make music like what if I want to write a book?
That's why I see these self-perceptions
Not as like permanent things, but ways I can like position myself into different
avenues almost
Yeah, and I feel like there's just so much power in the way that you see choices too
Like this is gonna sound so stupid, but there's this influencer named Norris Smith who's been blowing up on TikTok and
I think she's like a more minute influencer maybe but basically what she's known for is like these videos where she makes things from scratch
So one of the videos that really hooked me in was she was like oh my toddler said that they wanted cereal this morning
So I'm gonna make some cereal from scratch
I don't know why but that like fucking blew my mind
I can't believe you can just choose to make cereal from scratch and I stupid as that sounds
I felt like it opened my eyes to like am I sometimes living my life as a consumer of goods rather than like a living person
Because I feel like being able to make your own cereal is a completely valid choice that anyone can just wake up and like think that way
But I've just I think my brain is wired to not think oh should I make my cereal this morning or should I eat
Cocoa puffs like my brain is wired to think should I eat cocoa puffs or should I eat organic cereal or should I eat oatmeal
Like what am I consuming or like choosing to purchase almost?
It's like small things like that where I'm just like suddenly so vividly aware of my ability to decide things for myself
But I feel like you know it's good to have reminders like that and I think it's one of those things where once you see it out in the wild
You're like able to notice it more in other things
But I do want to kind of ask a final question for you guys since we are coming to the end of time
When do you feel the most confident?
For me, I don't think there's a specific moment in time
It's literally when I make those internal choices to like think differently or like you know
Well, we were talking about a negative momentum before when I'm in positive momentum and I just keep building it
So I think those moments
Are really clear and like sometimes it's easier in meditation because you intentionally quiet your mind
And usually when you quiet your mind you automatically feel better because a lot of our internal dialogues are
Skew towards the native due to conditioning
Yeah, so it's that
Combined with quite the negative thoughts and that combined with thinking new thoughts
I do want to think that kind of channel this confidence
So I would say those scenarios and also like when I actually act upon something that was a difficult decision before
And like holy shit, I actually did it, you know, wow
I feel like I feel the most confident when
I am doing something that is very true to myself like it is something that is allowing me to live my life
versus like living
Someone else's expectation of my my life
I guess it's when I feel like I have full autonomy that I'm feeling very confident because it's like
Yeah, this is something I want to do of course. I'm going to do it and I'm going to feel great that I'm doing it regardless of how tough it might be
Oh, I think mine is somewhat similar to that but in a different lens
so I definitely feel the most confident when
Day-to-day I'm making choices that build myself
Choices that I think will positively impact me whether that's short-term or long-term
Sticking to those choices and building positive habits like I think those are moments where I
Learned to trust myself a little bit trust that I'm able to make these decisions for myself
And that's when I have like the strongest bond with myself
I love it all
Well, thank you I for coming on today and chatting with us about self-esteem confidence
Self-value all of that stuff. I feel like it was
Very interesting and insightful to hear that we all go through really similar struggles
And I think it's nice to know that we can always be there to encourage each other
So for our listeners out there
If you have any thoughts on self-esteem or confidence feel free to share with us
You can find us on social media at eat your crust pod and we also have email eat your crust pod at gmail.com
And if you'd like to catch our other episodes then don't forget to follow us on Spotify
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We upload new episodes every Wednesday morning
Thanks for listening and don't forget to eat your crust
